The beginning of something much larger

[Ashspren]

2 hours ago, Ishar said:

With what we have seen of the story so far, I really don't feel qualified to say whether she should show up again, I think it would make sense, but we know so little that it is difficult to say

I agree with Ish, but if you have an idea for her, run with it! 

[Nathrangking]

On 8/15/2019 at 8:15 AM, The Sovereign said:

@Nathrangking I just answered your poll but my answer was based on an assumption I had made. I figured I should verify it... Ms. Devlin isn't really a she is it? More like the face that entity wore at that the time, no? Assuming that is the case the I would say yes to more appearances but not necessarily in that particular form.

Maybe yes maybe no. Also feel free to follow the thread to catch updates.

On 8/15/2019 at 2:37 PM, Robinski said:

Nathrangking, as I live and breath (at the time of posting), how the heck are you?

I'm at Dublin 2019 WorldCon at present, so it'll be a few days before I can get to this, but don't let me forget, I'd like to read it  

I'm well thankfully and still producing. I would never let you forget. Also follow the thread so that the updates come to you.

On 8/15/2019 at 2:53 PM, Ashspren said:

@Nathrangking, the story seems incredible! I’m excited to see where this goes. 

Like some of the previous readers have said, you do go a bit heavy on the adjectives in the beginning. They’re great descriptions, so it would be a shame to get rid of them— my advice would be to spread them out, or tell them in an indirect manner. For example, instead of saying “xyz was warm,” someone could write “he felt the warmth of xyz spreading across his fingertips.” I personally like using the noun form of a lot of adjectives, just because it seems more tangible to me, but it’s really up to preference. 

You have a few places where you could add some commas, such as the following:

They’re not huge grammatical errors, but just something to help out with the flow. 

Overall, I’m honestly just so excited to see where this goes! The amount of creativity and depth you’ve already reached by creating a blind character is amazing. We so often use sight as the only way to display the world in writing, and by eliminating that sense, you are doing something so incredibly original. 

I really enjoyed reading this, Nath. Good luck!  

Thank you!! I am surprised that you and Ishar did not feel qualified the point here was to help me decide whether or not I should bring her back as I did not actually have any plan for her. 

 

 

 

Warped Gate.pdf

Warped Gate.docx

Edited September 16, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Ashspren]

3 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

I am surprised that you and Ishar did not feel qualified the point here was to help me decide whether or not I should bring her back as I did not actually have any plan for her. 

If you don’t have any plans for her, don’t force it. That being said, she seems like a very interesting character who has seemed to make an impact on the main character’s life— there are a lot of different ways that you could incorporate her into the story, especially if you have a major role which needs to be filled. 

( @Ishar, you agree?)

[Pagliacci]

@Nathrangking I'll read and hopefully offer some critiques sometime in the next 48 hours.

[Nathrangking]

(Post Deleted)

Edited September 16, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Zephrun’s Imperium]

19 minutes ago, Nathrangking said:

@Truthless of Shinovar, @Shard of Thought, @Lunamor come on down you are the recipients of chapter 1. *Bows with a flourish.*

*pokes head into the thread* Yes? 

[Nathrangking]

Just now, Shard of Thought said:

*pokes head into the thread* Yes? 

see chapter one above with prologue.

[Truthless of Shinovar]

Oh sweet! I’ll read it as soon as I can!

[Lunamor]

I read the first chapter, and here is what I liked and what could use improvement:

Things to improve:

- A lot of sentences could use commas to help them flow better and add some variety.

- The narrator was a bit confusing, as it seemed to be constantly switching from the blind man to someone who can see.

- There were a few typos towards the end.

- I was a bit confused as to what was happening- was the battle metaphorical or something else? This one could just be my fault, though.

Liked:

- I really liked the action at the end.

- I liked how you wrote things where the nurse and doctor just seemed a little off, like they weren’t quite human.

- The imagery was a lot more spread out while retaining the intense detail, which was really nice.

[DrakeMarshall]

Well, I still have absolutely no idea what is going on  It’s a bit refreshing to be reading something where I just have literally no idea at all where it is going, but I am still fairly sure it is going somewhere.

The weaving together of seemingly two parallel narratives was pretty jarring at first, but I take it that was on purpose. At first I wondered if the battle scenery was some sort of extended metaphor for their argument, but I don’t think that checks out.

I also noticed a pretty dramatic shift in the parallel descriptions once he put the glasses on. Before there was some kind of battle, but after there was just a bunch of fire and ashes, which doesn’t bode well.

[Ishar]

On 8/16/2019 at 1:43 AM, Ashspren said:

If you don’t have any plans for her, don’t force it. That being said, she seems like a very interesting character who has seemed to make an impact on the main character’s life— there are a lot of different ways that you could incorporate her into the story, especially if you have a major role which needs to be filled. 

( @Ishar, you agree?)

I am not sure if the blind man is the main character...

 

I haven't read the first chapter, but will edit this post with commentary as soon as I do.

 

[Ashspren]

7 hours ago, Ishar said:

I am not sure if the blind man is the main character...

I’m probably misreading things, then. Or you are. One of us is usually wrong (with a 50/50 chance).  

[Nathrangking]

On 8/16/2019 at 8:27 PM, DrakeMarshmallow said:

Well, I still have absolutely no idea what is going on  It’s a bit refreshing to be reading something where I just have literally no idea at all where it is going, but I am still fairly sure it is going somewhere.

The weaving together of seemingly two parallel narratives was pretty jarring at first, but I take it that was on purpose. At first I wondered if the battle scenery was some sort of extended metaphor for their argument, but I don’t think that checks out.

I also noticed a pretty dramatic shift in the parallel descriptions once he put the glasses on. Before there was some kind of battle, but after there was just a bunch of fire and ashes, which doesn’t bode well.

I'm glad that you are enjoying the chaos. You tell me what is happening with the battle. Also tell me if the fire and ash relates to the battle.

18 hours ago, Ishar said:

I am not sure if the blind man is the main character...

Who do you think the main character is?

[Toaster Retribution]

@Nathrangking Havent been on the Shard these past couple days. Will try and read chapter 1 tomorrow (swedish time). 

[DrakeMarshall]

4 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

I'm glad that you are enjoying the chaos. You tell me what is happening with the battle. Also tell me if the fire and ash relates to the battle.

Interesting. Do you already know the answer? I would not expect you to put something like that without having a meaning for it in mind, and yet you seem to have a more open-ended idea of where you are going with this.

The battle comes across as a little too detailed, and a little to removed from the man’s own experience, to be anything purely in his imagination. The best way I can describe the battle and what comes after is apocalyptic, and not necessarily according to the modern sense of the world, more along the lines of the ancient genre. However, I don’t know at all what it is getting at.

I would say that yes, the fire and ash relates to the battle. The moment he puts on the glasses, the scenes start getting scoured by continual flames. It’s ending the battle, but not in a good way. It suggests something sinister about the nature of the man’s deal.

[Nathrangking]

1 hour ago, DrakeMarshmallow said:

Interesting. Do you already know the answer? I would not expect you to put something like that without having a meaning for it in mind, and yet you seem to have a more open-ended idea of where you are going with this.

The battle comes across as a little too detailed, and a little to removed from the man’s own experience, to be anything purely in his imagination. The best way I can describe the battle and what comes after is apocalyptic, and not necessarily according to the modern sense of the world, more along the lines of the ancient genre. However, I don’t know at all what it is getting at.

I would say that yes, the fire and ash relates to the battle. The moment he puts on the glasses, the scenes start getting scoured by continual flames. It’s ending the battle, but not in a good way. It suggests something sinister about the nature of the man’s deal.

I do indeed have a good idea of what is happening here, However, the open - ended nature was intentional as well. 

Apocalyptic is apt. Yet is it totally removed? Hmm....

They are related? The fire is burning the battlefield? Does it speak to the deal?

[DrakeMarshall]

1 hour ago, Nathrangking said:

I do indeed have a good idea of what is happening here, However, the open - ended nature was intentional as well. 

Apocalyptic is apt. Yet is it totally removed? Hmm....

They are related? The fire is burning the battlefield? Does it speak to the deal?

Not totally removed, no. Just... It doesn’t line up enough to feel like it’s purely a metaphor for his conflict with those around him, and the battle scene isn’t modern enough to be a flashback or something, so I suspect there is more to it than that.

Well, there were already some ominous details regarding Ms. Devlin in the prologue. Combined with imagery involving copious amounts of fire, it almost makes me wonder if this is deal is of the infernal sort.

[Nathrangking]

5 minutes ago, DrakeMarshmallow said:

Not totally removed, no. Just... It doesn’t line up enough to feel like it’s purely a metaphor for his conflict with those around him, and the battle scene isn’t modern enough to be a flashback or something, so I suspect there is more to it than that.

Well, there were already some ominous details regarding Ms. Devlin in the prologue. Combined with imagery involving copious amounts of fire, it almost makes me wonder if this is deal is of the infernal sort.

Possibly a metaphor or perhaps something more? If it is really happening then how? 

Ominous details to be sure. I won't deny that there is a lot of fire. Maybe an infernal deal is in place in which case you got me, but then again have you got me?

 

[Pagliacci]

Righto. Sorry for the late response.

I'm continuing to enjoy the story. I question your choice to keep our protagonist's(?) name ambiguous. At points it was unclear whether the narrative was referring to the protagonist or the doctor. I'm a little confused as to the POV of the story. Is this an omniscient narrator, as would be suggested by the visual descriptors? 

A minor inconsistency was the protagonist claiming to sue the hospital 'for all it's worth' and yet also claims he doesn't have the money to pay for the hospital. Was this just a hollow threat on the part of the man?

The prose mixes a lot of similes and metaphors which makes for some rather interesting results, though you should cut out some of those pesky adverbs. Have you ever read the Gormenghast trilogy by Mervyn Peake? His prose is darkly poetic and it bears some similarity to what you're going for here. Perhaps you'd enjoy the books. 

The narrative is somewhat disorienting but I'm assuming this is intentional and all will (eventually) become clear.

[Nathrangking]

On 8/19/2019 at 3:36 AM, Pagliacci said:

Righto. Sorry for the late response.

I'm continuing to enjoy the story. I question your choice to keep our protagonist's(?) name ambiguous. At points it was unclear whether the narrative was referring to the protagonist or the doctor. I'm a little confused as to the POV of the story. Is this an omniscient narrator, as would be suggested by the visual descriptors? 

A minor inconsistency was the protagonist claiming to sue the hospital 'for all it's worth' and yet also claims he doesn't have the money to pay for the hospital. Was this just a hollow threat on the part of the man?

The prose mixes a lot of similes and metaphors which makes for some rather interesting results, though you should cut out some of those pesky adverbs. Have you ever read the Gormenghast trilogy by Mervyn Peake? His prose is darkly poetic and it bears some similarity to what you're going for here. Perhaps you'd enjoy the books. 

The narrative is somewhat disorienting but I'm assuming this is intentional and all will (eventually) become clear.

I'm glad that you are still enjoying the story. There is a deliberateness to not using the name. I tried to fit it in elsewhere, but it did not seem right it seemed to me to be artificial so I scrapped it. The POV is done with purpose and you will just have to figure out where I'm headed lest I say too much.

The protagonists claim at least in his mind is not a hollow threat. He is broke however, he is confident he could find an ambulance chasing lawyer to take his case. 

I'll see about the adverbs.

Indeed!

 

Edited September 16, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Archer]

Building on something Pagliacci said, this writing is generally very poetic. However, sometimes it delves into the realm of purple prose, making it difficult to get a clear understanding of what's happening. Most of the times when I lost track of what was happening were because the narration confused me, maybe the adverbs thing would help, I'm not sure. Anyway, below are my specific comments. With school upcoming, I don't think I'll have the time to offer critique of future chapters as I attend to my other commitments, my apologies. Still, it's shaping up nicely. It makes you look at the world differently, and that's always a valuable thing. Good job.

Spoiler

 

A sharp antiseptic smell tears into the man as he begins to rise from the darkness of sleep. Tears into his nose? It wouldn’t tear into his body as described, being a smell.

Mancunian accent seem to weave silk chains that cool off his hysteria. The ‘weave silk chains’ bit was difficult to understand.

He makes sluggish yet deliberate movements designed to render him invisible to the that holds him prisoner. I had an initially hard time picturing the movements, more description?

“Sir can you hear me?” I prefer putting commas after words like sir. Eg “Sir, can you hear me?”

You could also name the protagonist here, make the doctors know his name and use it to confirm his identity. "Firstname Lastname? Can I call you Firsty? How are you feeling?"

“My name is Dr. Clark. First time, I think he’d introduce himself as Dr. Firstname Clark.

“ I told the nurse that I don’t have money insurance. Delete money or insurance

His words take the shape of boa constrictors of untainted steel which fly on venom filled wings. This metaphor was a little to bizarre, didn’t help me understand what was happening

Silence responds to his shouted question. A pounding in his skull tears at him. The silence compounds the oppressive power which is knocking him around like debris caught in a windstorm. With surprising speed his hand shoots out to the right. I liked this bit

How can you belittle your sacrifice and those of others by saying these things? I have known your like for years sir This speech seemed unnatural, too unbelievable that anyone would ever say it. The word choice and structure was too well constructed.

The form is written in braille It’s my understanding that braille is difficult to make quickly. I may be wrong, but I don’t believe it’s commonly used for one-use pages like forms.

Then muffled steps are heard the moment before he is once again trapped in an impenetrable darkness. Good ending.

 

 

Edited August 20, 2019 by Archer

[Rebecca]

Yay, there's more! Sorry it took me awhile to get to this. 

So first off, I really liked the battle scenes in the middle of his conversation with the nurse. It was kinda weird, but also really cool and interesting. I’m loving that we’re getting his backstory this way (which is what I assume we’re getting, though I could be wrong). And the past scene where the doctor tells him he may never see again, was interesting. I’m enjoying learning more about the character.

One of my complaints is just that the character is kind of unrelatable, but that’s also a good thing. Though I can’t relate to him much, he is very different from many characters I’ve read about, which is fun.

Also, the paragraph where the doctor says, “Listen to me. ..... but I’m sure that they will matter to someone else.” seemed very unlike how he had been previously acting, and reminded me a bit of Devlin. It was a bit suspicious and creepy.

I think that’s all my thoughts, hope it helps!

[Toaster Retribution]

@Nathrangking Sorry for taking long. But I got to reading it, and you really succeeded in setting up an air of confusion and chaos. The good thing about that is that it is intriguing, but at least for me, that intriguingness (not a word, I know) is harmed by the fact that it is too confusing for me to connect to. I think you need to start establishing the mans character and the backstory and the worldbuilding at least a little bit, to avoid a scenario where it is too chaotic. 

Then, and this is my personal preference, I am a very straightforward ”action and dialogue” guy. When I write stuff, I generally not spend a lot of time on description, whereas you spend a lot of time on it. It really gives the text a great feel, but I disconnect a little bit on so much descriptive text. Again, just personal preference (I have the same problem with Tolkien and Jordan, so you are in good company ). 

Good luck with continuing the story, and above else, write what you want to write in the way you want to write it. 

[Nathrangking]

6 hours ago, Archer said:

Building on something Pagliacci said, this writing is generally very poetic. However, sometimes it delves into the realm of purple prose, making it difficult to get a clear understanding of what's happening. Most of the times when I lost track of what was happening were because the narration confused me, maybe the adverbs thing would help, I'm not sure. Anyway, below are my specific comments. With school upcoming, I don't think I'll have the time to offer critique of future chapters as I attend to my other commitments, my apologies. Still, it's shaping up nicely. It makes you look at the world differently, and that's always a valuable thing. Good job.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

A sharp antiseptic smell tears into the man as he begins to rise from the darkness of sleep. Tears into his nose? It wouldn’t tear into his body as described, being a smell.

Mancunian accent seem to weave silk chains that cool off his hysteria. The ‘weave silk chains’ bit was difficult to understand.

He makes sluggish yet deliberate movements designed to render him invisible to the that holds him prisoner. I had an initially hard time picturing the movements, more description?

“Sir can you hear me?” I prefer putting commas after words like sir. Eg “Sir, can you hear me?”

You could also name the protagonist here, make the doctors know his name and use it to confirm his identity. "Firstname Lastname? Can I call you Firsty? How are you feeling?"

“My name is Dr. Clark. First time, I think he’d introduce himself as Dr. Firstname Clark.

“ I told the nurse that I don’t have money insurance. Delete money or insurance

His words take the shape of boa constrictors of untainted steel which fly on venom filled wings. This metaphor was a little to bizarre, didn’t help me understand what was happening

Silence responds to his shouted question. A pounding in his skull tears at him. The silence compounds the oppressive power which is knocking him around like debris caught in a windstorm. With surprising speed his hand shoots out to the right. I liked this bit

How can you belittle your sacrifice and those of others by saying these things? I have known your like for years sir This speech seemed unnatural, too unbelievable that anyone would ever say it. The word choice and structure was too well constructed.

The form is written in braille It’s my understanding that braille is difficult to make quickly. I may be wrong, but I don’t believe it’s commonly used for one-use pages like forms.

Then muffled steps are heard the moment before he is once again trapped in an impenetrable darkness. Good ending.

 

 

I'm glad that you enjoyed parts of it. Not everything works for everyone. Good luck in school!

6 hours ago, Rebecca said:

Yay, there's more! Sorry it took me awhile to get to this. 

So first off, I really liked the battle scenes in the middle of his conversation with the nurse. It was kinda weird, but also really cool and interesting. I’m loving that we’re getting his backstory this way (which is what I assume we’re getting, though I could be wrong). And the past scene where the doctor tells him he may never see again, was interesting. I’m enjoying learning more about the character.

One of my complaints is just that the character is kind of unrelatable, but that’s also a good thing. Though I can’t relate to him much, he is very different from many characters I’ve read about, which is fun.

Also, the paragraph where the doctor says, “Listen to me. ..... but I’m sure that they will matter to someone else.” seemed very unlike how he had been previously acting, and reminded me a bit of Devlin. It was a bit suspicious and creepy.

I think that’s all my thoughts, hope it helps!

I'm glad that things are working well! His unrelatability is part of my experiment. Creepiness means that I have succeeded. Every comment helps. I hope that you will continue to read.

3 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

@Nathrangking Sorry for taking long. But I got to reading it, and you really succeeded in setting up an air of confusion and chaos. The good thing about that is that it is intriguing, but at least for me, that intriguingness (not a word, I know) is harmed by the fact that it is too confusing for me to connect to. I think you need to start establishing the mans character and the backstory and the worldbuilding at least a little bit, to avoid a scenario where it is too chaotic. 

Then, and this is my personal preference, I am a very straightforward ”action and dialogue” guy. When I write stuff, I generally not spend a lot of time on description, whereas you spend a lot of time on it. It really gives the text a great feel, but I disconnect a little bit on so much descriptive text. Again, just personal preference (I have the same problem with Tolkien and Jordan, so you are in good company ). 

Good luck with continuing the story, and above else, write what you want to write in the way you want to write it. 

This keeps me grounded. The confusing nature is part of my experiment. Perhaps it will grow on you. I hope that you will continue to read when I put out more.

[Toaster Retribution]

I will indeed keep on reading. I might not be able to do so right away when new chapters drop, but I will read on :-)