Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Nictorius]

23 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

But then he’ll soon have Dominion over all puns!

And the Cultivation of puns will be his burden, not ours.

[Ashspren]

11 minutes ago, Nictorius said:

And the Cultivation of puns will be his burden, not ours.

And we’ll force him to live in Autonomy, so he does not spread the burden to us...

[Edgedancer Jak]

Man, these puns are getting Odious.

Also, I'd like a spot in the next round!

[Ashspren]

31 minutes ago, Edgedancer Jak said:

Man, these puns are getting Odious.

Also, I'd like a spot in the next round!

Of course! And nice pun. The Endowment of good puns like that is a blessing. 

Edited July 27, 2018 by Ashspren

[Herowannabe he/him]

How did our rap battle thread turn into a pun contest?  

[The Harlem Worldhoppers he/him]

Intro:

Yeah the name's Moash (That's a Listener name)

I'm here to drop bars and put you lot to shame

People can despise me, hate me, deride me

But none of you can fulfill your end of the rivalry

Kelsier:

You think you're so tough, huh?

You're full of crap

Rashek killed you with barely a slap

Yet still you refuse to take your nap

 

Let this be a warning to you, Survivor

I respect you as much as my old slave driver

And that dull miser who drove me to yawn

Is still more interesting than you, Mistborn.

 

You're a Shadow of what you used to be, Sovereign

And with my Surges I'll be hovering

Over your body as they dump you in a coffin

 

Odium:

How can a legendary god of hatred

Ever sink to become so frustrated?

Maybe in your haste you were easily manipulated

By the very forces you so casually underestimated

 

You seek to use me as just another tool?

Maybe you should go back to Shardschool

Your greatest asset was just trapped in a jewel

And you look at me like I'm the fool!

We could get along though, hatred is our fuel

You want me as your champion? Ok, cool

The time is now for the old gods to rule.

 

Amaram:

Well if it isn't Amaram, the scum of the Earth!

I pity the woman from whom you were birthed.

You're the symbol of all that's wrong with Lighteyes

 And if you mess with this man you'll be in for a surprise.

'Cos you've built yourself up as a paragon of virtue

And now your good rep will come back to hurt you.

 

I'll charge you with my spear as you cower in fear

while I suck in light from this sweet, sweet sphere.

You think yourself a son of Honor?

To me your not even a bother who

probably doesn't even know his own father.

 

To behonest your arc is kinda lame

You're nothing to me but a measly stain.

This is the end for you; you've met your bane.

Now grovel before me and give me your pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2018 by The Harlem Worldhoppers

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

Here goes Meridas:

I am Meridas Amaram, the most accomplished general in town

In blood and tears my enemies shall drown

A Son of Honor I am

And with my Shardblade (legally won, do not ask) my enemies I slam

 

And I begin with you, Odium, Shard of Passion or Hate

Can you please decide before Cultivations plans settle your fate

You think you are a being of power and might

But remind me, at Thaylen City, did you win that fight?

You took my pain and you wanted Dalinars

But I doubt you can handle the pain when my rap beats your chull to the stars!

 

Kelsier, Survivor of Hath-sin

Survive this roast, you old trash-bin

You killed a tyrant to boost your ego

But that only unleashed a mad Shard who tried to smash your planet like a piece of Lego

You made a plan that required you to die

But tell me, was saving the world just another elaborate lie?

Because you don’t care for anything, except getting a new spike for an eye.

You are not a deity, not worth worship 

The people only likes you for your death (RIP)

 

Moash, Moash, a (former) member of Bridge Four

You could have gone down as the most epic bridgeman in lore

But instead you had to betray everyone just to kill the king

And that lost you your friends, all in one swing

When I betray people, at least I do it right

Face it, you are only alive because Kaladin didn’t wanna fight

 

[Rhapsody she/her]

wow. those two roast were already so good I would have trouble deciding. And there are still two more to come *looking forward to this*

also @AshsprenI would also like to compete in the next round if possible.

[Ashspren]

@Rhapsody, you’re on the list!

[Ashspren]

Just waiting on @AonEne! You still have 24 hours, though, so take your time.

@Ishar told me that he can’t participate, so this round will be a three-way battle instead of four-way.

 

Edit: sorry for the double post...

Edited July 27, 2018 by Ashspren

[AonEne he/him]

2 hours ago, Ashspren said:

Just waiting on @AonEne! You still have 24 hours, though, so take your time.

@Ishar told me that he can’t participate, so this round will be a three-way battle instead of four-way.

Sorry, I wasn't on yesterday! Here I come, Moash, Kelsier, and Amaram. (I hope fourth-wall breaking is allowed. Mimes may be needed.)

Intro:

Spoiler

You all think you're great - but I have to say

This "match of wits" is more like wordplay

Compared to a Shard, none of you even matter

Your insults to me do nothing more than flatter!

 

You call it roasting, but it's more like a simmer.

You call it burning, but your lights couldn't be dimmer!

You say you wanna fight me? Fine, come on, let's go

Suppose now I have to endure the touch of a rainbow

 

When it comes to this battle, you all struck a good match...

But you didn't know you were standing on a roof of thatch.

Moash:

Spoiler

You call me frustrated, but let me tell ya, I'm not.

The only thing that might frustrate me is how your burns aren't hot.

You claim I went to school? Like ordinary women and men?

Wow, I didn't know that I could summon laughterspren!

 

The thing is, you already admitted to giving up your pain

I won without trying? *sigh* How lame.

Your friends all hate you, and I flourish on that;

The whole Shard treats you like you're a doormat.

 

You failed the first time at killing one inept king

While I plan to kill every single living thing

It's no secret that you'll show up next book,

But readers will groan after just. One. Look.

Amaram:

Spoiler

You amuse me, kid, you really truly do

How could there be a challenge when I'm facing you?

I retreated at Thaylenah, this I will admit

But I wasn't scared, I didn't submit

 

I know I'm Passion, joy-lust-hate,

But it took them TWO Shardcasts to decide my fate.

How many did you get? That's right, none

Guess you just weren't cool enough, son

 

If Moash is a doormat, then you're a bad smell

Everyone avoids you in the court, can't you tell?

The only reason you exist is for Kal's development,

Once that's done, to Braize you'll be sent.

Kelsier:

Spoiler

Too scared to join this contest, I see,

Not that it's much of one when it involves me.

Heard you wanted a punch; where's that bravery now?

I guess a Shadow like you doesn't even know how.

 

I hear you founded a religion by dying,

While I started one without even TRYING.

You glimpsed two of the powers of creation,

But seeing me would destroy your entire nation.

 

You had an army but it got wrecked.

I've owned countless. The parsh are next.

Unlike the others, you have a semblance of immortality.

Me, I've killed immortals; fatality after fatality.

*mike drop* *hopeful look*

[Gray to he/him]

Wow, it's actually really hard to decide who I want to vote for! These were so good!

[Nictorius]

@Gray to, Totally agree here. All 3 are, as they say in the biz, FIRE!

[Ashspren]

All right, all raps are in! Here’s the survey:

https://goo.gl/forms/SxFS6QMtk0mFvXF53

VOTE VOTE VOTE! The Triumvirate of Villains... Moash, Amaram, and Odium. This is going to be a storming hard choice...

[Rhapsody she/her]

wow that is storming hard....

[Rebecca she/her]

Agreed. Bravo to all of you.

[AonEne he/him]

Thanks!

*shamelessly votes for self*

[Sherlock Holmes he/him]

All of those raps were loads of fun to read out loud.

[Wyndlerunner he/him]

@AonEne, I admit to having out loud rapped the Odium rap

[Ashspren]

I’ve been saying every rap out loud, and even got one of my friends to drop a beat for me. 

Edit: 5 hours of voting left!

Edited July 28, 2018 by Ashspren

[Ashspren]

Thanks to all who voted! Awesome job to the winner of Group 3, @AonEne, who represented Odium!

Our next four competitors...

@Perspective, with Hoid!

@Life&Death, with Vasher!

@Nictorius, with Wayne!

@Apollyon, with Sadeas!

Good luck everyone!

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

Congrats @AonEne! Great rap! 

[Life&Death]

How long do we have to post?

[I think I am here. he/him]

@Ashspren

Could I reserve a place in the next competition, please?

[Gray to he/him]

16 minutes ago, Life&Death said:

How long do we have to post?

48 hours