Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ashspren]

54 minutes ago, Sorana said:

You'll tell us when the time frame starts and the groups are known right? I'm not sure I'll be able to come back today, but tomorrow is sunday so that should'nt be a problem.

Yes, I’ll let you know!

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

How much time will we get to write the raps?

[Ashspren]

5 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

How much time will we get to write the raps?

48 hours. Then, we’ll have a 24 hour voting period. The competition, in total, should take 21 days. I’ll start the competition in approximately 7 hours by announcing the first 4 people.

Edited July 21, 2018 by Ashspren

[Ashspren]

First of all, thanks to everyone who signed up. Looking forward to reading all of the roasts!

---

Our first four characters are...

Spook, represented by @Zath

The Stormfather, represented by @Nathrangking

Lopen, represented by @BitBitio

The Lord Ruler, represented by @Matias

---

You will have 48 hours to post your roasts. If you do not post them within those 48 hours, you will be eliminated from the voting survey, and thus from the competition.

---

LET THE COSMERE CHARACTER ROAST BATTLE TOURNAMENT BEGIN!

Edited July 22, 2018 by Ashspren

[Nathrangking he/him]

Spook what? Spook who? The only thing scary is the fool that is you. A broken and scared little boy whose power destroyed himself. For whom hero worship led to the near destruction  of what he held dear. Pity gained you a reprieve and yet you think that your power can ever ever match the shadow that rages without equal? What good are your silly coins when the winds tear you apart in all three realms? I'll make you wish that you had gone the way of your failed survivor. Now scurry off and play savior while I stand tall as the master of a untamed behavior. Challenge my power and you'll be torn from the realm within the hour. You fought a fake god and one who was insane try dealing with one whose very name rattles the earth and lays forests bare. To you I could not extend the slightest care.

Well well a puny bridge man stands alone, with but a single arm to call his own. Joke as you will pretend as you might you can't even think to start a fight. A crashing bolt by my will can send you back to Herdaz still. Bow to me and perhaps this day won't be the one where the chasms lay your shattered bones to rest and my breath does not stop your wasted breath. Mine is the voice which wields the storms yours is the sound which could not scare a frightened hound. Your power is given and taken away should you break the bonds that make my child stay. I have no such limits you little fool to insult my power is to expose the King of all of Herdazian stupidity and dance into the heart of mortal's doom. Eat your chouta and breath a sigh for I doubt you'll force me to make your end nigh.

Ah, Rashek a man who knew power, but whose mind grew dimmer by the hour. Once you might have impressed me with the power that you held now all that you are capable is being felled by a child who knew little of what it meant to hold real might. Understand this you glorified troglodyte I hold what you never could immortality not formed by hunks of metal from malformed gods who played tricks and games that risked the balance that comes from their names. Listen close and listen well my power has no story to tell. What have I to fear you little blue man? Through thin lies you held control sad sad fearful little boy. I am not petty like your mortal flesh and I need no slaves like your little pets. Run back to your little hall and try to curl into a ball. If you want to come out and play I warn that you'll not survive the day. 

I'm the power untapped the storm unchained the force that no mortal can ever brave. Feeble minds and feebler powers just can't compete with a being that towers. You all think that you got what it takes I was old when you were not even a thought of a thought in the minds of gods to whom you bow scurry off and know that this day has been won by a power birthed of Adonalsium. 

Edited July 22, 2018 by Nathrangking

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

4 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

troglodyte

What in the storms is a troglodyte?

[Mistspren she/her]

Oh, I wish I had been here to join this. I guess I’ll be in the next round.

[Matias he/him]

Okey, i just read this so wait a couple hours

[Matias he/him]

For a thousand years i've been in my throne
Who have disturbed my.... oh, it's you guys
Ahh let's get this over with


Are you serious? Do you want me to kill you?
You can't defeat me, i'm not like lord sidious
A blind guy, one-arm and loudy clouds
At least your not that blond guy betrayed by his wife

I touch the power of infinity, glorious Ruin
But for that, Scadrial it's not domm ,you see?

But even if i'm wrong, i make some basements
Because those are my people, I live for them!

Whit my army of koloss i take the control
Dont be confused, there are not like those ugly trolls
Maybe my inquisitors will have fun with you
Oh don't be scared, don't be like scooby doo

My journey is full of pain, horror and death
I honestly not sure if i can control this
But i'll try, because you do what you have to do
I'll kill as much i need, to stay this world complete

Its time to show you why im still in here
Just stop the revolutions, there is no match for me
When my allomancy and feruchemy are combined
There is no way to run, just to ryhme

Im the power of greatness, the one above all
Im the law that rules this big caos world
Im the sun that you don't see but you know is there
Im the darkness, the light, all in here

Im a killer, but also your protector
Im the one rashek, who take the job
To protect the people from great devastation
Im lord legislator, Ruin and Preservation

Edited July 22, 2018 by Matias

[BitBitio he/him]

Let's do this. (Will edit the rest in.)

***

 

You hear a scream, to your left, to your right.

What's going on? You're full of fright.

Are there chasmfiends here? Are they gonna eat you?

I don't think so cause, cause the Lopen is the true.

Dancin on the sky, soarin through the wind,

It is me. It is I. It is the Lopen.

You got two arms? Well I got one.

No wait, now I got two.

All the more reason for me to beat up you. 

You don't got no skills, you don't get to talk.

Cuz the Lopen will just Lash your mouth and seal it shut. 

I got what it takes, you know I'm the real deal.

While you're crying to your momma I am getting real.

 

Hey there Spook, how does it do?

Not as good as me cuz I am me and you are you.

But you can burn tin so you can see me win better.  

I am the one, the one with one arm. And I got a lot more talent in that one little arm.

Dancin on the sky, soarin through the wind,

it is me it is I it is the Lopen.

I can guarantee that I know the truth. 

And all you got is your self, ya big brute.

You think that you are macho?

I am the Gancho.

 

I have the gloryspren, floatin round me.

All you got is a little in your pants, it is pee.

Yo Stormfather, you all sad and alone? 

I know you were her dad.

But you know what?

I got the cousins from Herdaz.

I toughed out the bridge crews, sad little Rashek. 

What did you do, find a cure for a headache?

Now you all know, what it means to be great.

Don't try to stop me or I'll bash you on the pate.

 

You don't got no skills, you don't get to talk.

Cuz the Lopen will just Lash your mouth and seal it shut.

Edited July 22, 2018 by BitBitio

[Zath he/him]

Going to put this in a spoiler tag just to be safe, because we're in the General Brandon Discussion topic. 

Spook's entry for the Cosmere Character Roast Battle - Round One! (spoilers for Mistborn Era 1 and Stormlight Archive):

Spoiler

Lord Mistborn of the Basin
Is who you will be facin'.
With Tin I see
(Can't hide from me)
That now your pulse is racin'.

Lefting I'm born,
Raised on ash and rust.
Now I'm Mistborn,
I'll leave you in my dust.

Call it High Imperial
or Eastern Street Slang,
I will always outmatch y'all
In every single thang.

Yeah, the Survivor named me "friend".
I was best buddies with Elend.
You got no copper clips to spend.
Ising this being your end.

- - - - -

You’re the Lord Ruler?
More like insular-
minded head
of an empire now long dead.

Oh Rashek,
So brash -- heck,
You messed up our whole planet in just.  A.  Sec!

When they’re handin' out medals, I’ll get gold,
but you’ll be left with naught to hold.
You mistreated the skaa, into slavery sold
Thousands, millions, a billion-fold.
You’re cruel, conceited, and really old.
How would you feel, if you were told
Your plan to save the entire wo’ld
Was flawed and weak, like ice is cold.
It would’ve failed, if not for bold,
brave skaa like me (and my blindfold)!
Your Final Empire’s gone, behold!
Those ashen wastes turned to gently knolled
lands of grass, blue skies, marigolds!
In this new world, guess who’s enrolled?
Not you!  You’re dead, can’t be consoled.
(Maybe you should’ve stored more Gold).

You say your cruelty came from Ruin?
That’s utter garbage that you’re brewin’.
Guess what?  I also had a spike
That let me listen to Ati’s spite.
But unlike you, I saw through his lies!
E’en though he wore my friend Kelsier’s guise!

I lead the people you oppressed,
Guided them out from your darkness.
Founded Elendel, that’s right!
With my metals burning bright.
I built schools, to teach fools like you
Not to try to “save” the world from doom
By thinking up a fate much worse.
Now your name’s just a forgotten curse.

- - - - -

Stormfather, eh?  You’re just hot air.
Without my Tin, I wouldn’t notice you there
Trying to blow (you’re just mussing my hair).
You come, you storm, you go -- who cares?
You’re only a shadow of Tanavast.
An overgrown spren!  You wouldn’t last
Five minutes on Scadrial, present or past.
Maybe with an oath to hold you fast,
you could spend time here and have a blast.
But what Scadrian in their right mind
Would promise you anything? You’d be declined.

Your li'l daughter Syl has done more than you
To help out Roshar, and the Cosmere, too.
Ya can’t comprehend the intricacies of mortal life,
unlike me and Beldre (my super hot wife).
So pass on by, so high above,
You can't grasp concepts like trust and love.
All you've got is stubborn pride,
But at a glimpse of Odium, you run and hide!
I'd stand my ground -- I've faced gods before.
I keep hope in the face of doom and war.
I'm the Survivor of the Flames!
Nips the me of playing of games!
I'm the Tin savant
Everybody wants.
You are just a Splinter
that doesn't know summer or winter.

- - - - -

One arm, two legs, no brain, what’s new?
You're so dense you volunteered to join a bridge crew.
Stone fingernails, they must be nice,
When searching your hair for cremling lice.
Hey Lopen, you got your Herdazian lingo,
You really think you can take me, ya dingo?
I’ve got slang that you can’t handle.
Yours can’t compare, can’t hold a candle.

Wasing the rhythm of the beat of the laying.
I’m sorry, can’t you understand what I’m saying?
Being my league?  Ising beyond what you playing.
Being the beating of you, even slaying.

Wasing the running all over of you,
Wasing before of knowing two plus two.
Ising the now of the me of Invest,
Being the top of the best of the best.
Ising the you of trying this contest?
Telling of you of the needing of rest.
Going of you of the home -- nips a jest!
Caring of you of your bridgeman’s vest.
Asking of any, ising them of attesting
Of me of the eagle and you of the nestling.
Saying of you, “Eagle?  Oh, like a chicken?” 
Seeing of the ignorance of you, so thick ‘n
Sad, ising my palm of my forehead of resting.
Being the you of the losing.  No protesting
In the reaching of hearing (needing not of the guessing),
When announcing of the winning: “Spook’s most impressing.”

 

 

Edited July 22, 2018 by Zath
Added spoiler tag, just in case

[Ashspren]

Seeing as all four people submitted their raps, I'm just going to send the link to the form right now. 

Before the voting starts, I just wanted to say that all of the raps were AMAZING, and I laughed so hard reading all of them!

https://goo.gl/forms/3qFCCGn77NaUx9W42

The form will no longer be accepting responses in 24 hours.

VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!!!!!

[Herowannabe he/him]

Bravo to everyone in round 1! Fantastic job all of you!

Now I really want to play. When can we sign up for *round 2? 

*EDIT: meaning the next tournament, not the next round of this tournament, of course. 

Edited July 23, 2018 by Herowannabe

[Ashspren]

@Herowannabe

I’m going to open up the next round about a week after the first round ends. Each tournament lasts about 3 weeks, so... mid/late August, maybe? Earlier if everyone posts quickly, like today.

Edited July 23, 2018 by Ashspren

[Zath he/him]

Thanks!   And great roasts, Nathrangking, Bitbitio, and Matias!

@Ashspren, I'm assuming that the four of us are NOT allowed to vote this round, correct? (Edit: Incorrect, see below)

Edited July 25, 2018 by Zath

[Ashspren]

3 minutes ago, Zath said:

Thanks!   And great roasts, Nathrangking, Bitbitio, and Matias!

@Ashspren, I'm assuming that the four of us are NOT allowed to vote this round, correct?

Nope! You can vote! Don’t worry about it— it’s completely anonymous. I would vote for myself, so... 

Edited July 23, 2018 by Ashspren

[Mistspren she/her]

Great raps, everybody. Also, can I reserve a spot for next round, or is that not a thing?

This is a really great thread, props to you @Ashspren for making it.

Edited July 23, 2018 by Mistspren

[Ashspren]

@Mistspren thanks! And I can take a reservation, it just might be good to remind me as we get closer to the second start date. You too, @Herowannabe. 

I can take a reservation for your spot, but not for the character, sorry. It just wouldn’t be fair to the others.

Edited July 23, 2018 by Ashspren

[Zath he/him]

24 minutes ago, Ashspren said:

Nope! You can vote! Don’t worry about it— it’s completely anonymous. I would vote for myself, so... 

Oh!  Well, in that case...

*shamelessly votes for self*  Spook's the best!  Who's the best?  Spook's the best!  You know it!   

[Herowannabe he/him]

Okay yeah reserve me a spot please @Ashspren. I have a couple characters in mind that would be fun to do, so no worries about characters.

[Nathrangking he/him]

The stormfather votes for himself and promises bounty and a bond for those that vote for me.

[Ashspren]

6 minutes ago, Herowannabe said:

Okay yeah reserve me a spot please @Ashspren. I have a couple characters in mind that would be fun to do, so no worries about characters.

Perfect! Both you and @Mistspren are reserved.

@Nathrangking, hey, no bribery! 

Edited July 23, 2018 by Ashspren

[Matias he/him]

Give away, 2 Skaa for everyone that vote's for lord Ruler

[Ashspren]

3 minutes ago, Matias said:

Give away, 2 Skaa for everyone that vote's for lord Ruler

That’s a surprisingly good deal... 

[AonEne he/him]

Those were all great! I voted for the best one though...

Um, can I go in the later rounds? I'm at my family's cabin or a while and Internet access only comes sometimes. Sorry.