Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ashspren]

Our first pairing is... 

@Gray to, representing Vin!

@AonEne, representing Odium!

 

LET ROUND TWO BEGIN!!!

[+Ark1002]

Ooh. Hopefully we get some new characters.

[Ashspren]

@Ark1002, all four of the competitors will be representing their current characters until we determine a single tournament winner. After that, though, we’ll get some new characters for sure!

[+Ark1002]

Oh. Still cool.

[Ashspren]

@Gray to @AonEne 21 hours left!

[AonEne he/him]

*gasps for Breath* Sorry! I'm here now!

Okay, Vin, let's do this thang. ("Never say that again" - Mizzy)

Spoiler

Hello, Vin, it's nice to see you again

Despite the fact that you're weaker than a spren

Sorry, kid, but you're dead; you might've once had power,

But now you're less to the PR than a Marewill flower.

 

You killed Ati - Silverlight has photographs,

But if you think you'll beat me, you should hear my laughs.

Sure, you held a Shard for a day or two: Yawn

Well, I've had mine almost since Roshar's dawn

 

Listen, I know, you have a group of friends

If only they were also Elend's

Your husband just isn't popular, hon

His mother is dead; his father is scum

 

You've accomplished things I'm sure you'd call great

But they're basically nothing to a Shard of hate

You killed a Shard, whoop-de-do,

I was barely even trying and I killed two.                                       (Note: this refers to Aona and Skai. Obviously he killed more than them as well.)

 

You can try to fight me, Mistborn dear,

But I AM the cognitive incarnation of fear.

When it comes to the readers, our fate is tossed

But I think it's pretty clear who won and who lost.

Hope you all liked that! I'm having way more fun with this than I ever thought I would. Good luck, Gray to! (I hope I win though!)

[Wyndlerunner he/him]

21 minutes ago, AonEne said:

*gasps for Breath* Sorry! I'm here now!

Okay, Vin, let's do this thang. ("Never say that again" - Mizzy)

  Hide contents

Hello, Vin, it's nice to see you again

Despite the fact that you're weaker than a spren

Sorry, kid, but you're dead; you might've once had power,

But now you're less to the PR than a Marewill flower.

 

You killed Ati - Silverlight has photographs,

But if you think you'll beat me, you should hear my laughs.

Sure, you held a Shard for a day or two: Yawn

Well, I've had mine almost since Roshar's dawn

 

Listen, I know, you have a group of friends

If only they were also Elend's

Your husband just isn't popular, hon

His mother is dead; his father is scum

 

You've accomplished things I'm sure you'd call great

But they're basically nothing to a Shard of hate

You killed a Shard, whoop-de-do,

I was barely even trying and I killed two.                                       (Note: this refers to Aona and Skai. Obviously he killed more than them as well.)

 

You can try to fight me, Mistborn dear,

But I AM the cognitive incarnation of fear.

When it comes to the readers, our fate is tossed

But I think it's pretty clear who won and who lost.

Hope you all liked that! I'm having way more fun with this than I ever thought I would. Good luck, Gray to! (I hope I win though!)

I liked Elend...

 

[AonEne he/him]

1 minute ago, Wyndlerunner said:

I liked Elend...

(So do I. Odium doesn't.)

[Gray to he/him]

Spoiler

Yo it's your favorite half-skaa Vin,
And this rap is just another battle that Odium won't win.

You're trash at rap but got a gift for losin'
Always hiding from fights cuz you fear a little bruisin'

You're a nobody, the laughing stock of Greater Roshar,
And Your ability to fight is just as bad as your bars

Relying on a champion is the way to become
An imbecile to many and a master of none.

Losing a hundred wars with Man; you need a coach.
You'd have a chance if you fought instead of hiding like a roach.

You've gotten so weak, you cant even torture a guy,
But just one day of my wicked words will make you cry.

I'll always remember you as the wimpiest Shard, 
Now it's time to face an opponent that's actually hard.
 

 

[I think I am here. he/him]

OH SNAP

Both of these are so good.

[Ashspren]

https://goo.gl/forms/frQTNhyMBs8QNK8I2

Amamzing job, @AonEne and @Gray to! This is going to be a very hard choice...

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

[AonEne he/him]

Nice, Gray! Good one.

*feels not even the slightest regret as she clicks on her own name*

3 hours ago, Ashspren said:

@AonEne@Gray to

VOTE VOTE VOTE!

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE

[Gray to he/him]

1 hour ago, AonEne said:

Nice, Gray! Good one.

*feels not even the slightest regret as she clicks on her own name*

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE

Thanks! You too!

[Wyndlerunner he/him]

These were both so good!

[Ashspren]

Sorry I’m late, everyone! Congrats to @AonEne, who will be moving to the Roast Battle Championships!

Next up, we have...

@Zath, with Spook!

@Nictorius, with Wayne!

Good luck!

[AonEne he/him]

YES!

*bows to Gray to* I congratulate you on making it this far. Yours was really good.

Good luck, Zath and Nictorius! Can't wait to read them.

[Gray to he/him]

*Returns bow*

T'was a good match 

[Nictorius]

Congrats to @AonEne for making the final round.

I hope you're humble in defeat, as well as victory 

Here goes:

 

Arrrrr come on mate, now this ain't fair,

I'm only here because you were there.

Back before the Catacendre, doesn't matter i'll still end ya.

Whats over your eyes mate? Underwear?

 

Lord Mistborn, Spook, or Lestibournes.

I'll roast you, with gratitude, rest assured.

What is it with lords and all there names,

let me say now, you won't survive these flames.

 

You weren't Tineye, more like Tin addict,

lucky your mate was emperor, you could always have it.

Kelsiers barman, with all the drinks you were serving

only Mistborn in the end because he put a word in.

 

There's nothing you can do, nothing to really hurt me.

You could be Twinborn, Mistborn, Compound with Hemalurgy.

You'll be forgotten in era three, i'll be going strong in era thirty.

You nearly killed yourself, you want victory, you ain't worthy.

 

I come from a time of electricity and cars,

you don't need allomancy to glance at the stars.

You come from a time ruin and ash,

you had no idea what you were doing, your trash.

I sure as hell won't forget to mention,

how useless you were in the Well of Ascension.

A sword and some tin? you need a better armoury,

I'll Ruin your Preservation, you will never know Harmony.

 

 

[AonEne he/him]

2 minutes ago, Nictorius said:

Congrats to @AonEne for making the final round.

I hope you're humble in defeat, as well as victory 

We'll see

Nice one. I await Zath's with eagerness...

[Zath he/him]

Storms, these have all been great!  Everybody give yourselves a pat on the back!

And then brace yourselves, 'cause Spook's about to drop the beat.    (Major spoilers for Mistborn Era 1 and minor spoilers for Mistborn Era 2):

Spoiler

 

Gonna give you a friendly warning, Wayne:
After I'm done, consider yourself slain.

I am Lestibournes.
I'll leave you as forlorn as
A bitty baby bird,
Bereft of its beloved.
Using just my words,
You'll feel like push has come to shove.

You say, "There's no cause for concern,"?
You act with no pause to discern
The trouble you're getting into, Bloodmaker,
By trying to outmatch me, you faker.

Wrap a cloth around my eyes,
But it comes as no surprise
That you cannot conceptualize
That I still see straight through your lies.
Book one: scout.  Two: spy disguised.
Three: character arc actualized.
Now, I'm the one folks idolize,
Children, elders, gals, and guys,
The Basin, the Roughs, the mists, the SKIES!
Anywhere you go, my name is recognized.

I wrote down the secrets of Hemalurgy,
I was pretty much the first of the Survivor's clergy.
I was friends with "Harmony" before he Ascended,
Worked side-by-side with him as this world we defended!

I took down The Citizen - yeah, Quellion!
That crazy, over-zealous hellion.

Then (don't you know?)
I saved Urteau
With a single throw
Of a lever below
The burning building of the Canton of Inquisition,
Putting the canal locks back into their old position.
That stopped all the fires within hours -
I did this without using my powers!

I am a legend in your time,
You're just a guy who ain't worth grime.
You make out with lady-kandra-slime,
While your pal Wax is out fighting crime.

You dropped a water tower onto your best friend's wedding!
Tell me, is that sweat or pure stupidity that you're sweating?

You think you're so clever, being cruel to Steris?
Back in my day, anyone who so harries
a fellow crew member is tossed out on the street.
I have standards that you clearly just don't meet.

You couldn't handle life back in the Final Empire -
Don't believe me? Let's ask this vinyl umpire... 

*Spook places a vinyl disc in a phonograph, smugly folds his arms and leans back as his own voice issues from the record player*

Taking of this to the level of next.
Being of you out of this context.
Wasing the yearning of being the hero?
Wasing the learning of you being zero.
Taking of you of the heat? Being joking.
Being the me of elite, you of choking.
Surviving of me of the World of Ash,
Surviving not of you of this word-clash
Having of you of Bendalloy and Gold?
Needing not of me of such handholds.
Being this new world of not of existing,
Excepting of me and my friends of resisting.
Wasing of us of the fighting of gods,
Needing not even of the aid of Synod.
Being of you of fighting of the Set -
Rescuing of you of the women kidnapped, yet?
Needing not of answering: seeing the shame of you.
Competing not of you against an old school thieving crew.
Taking of you of your "lucky" hat and dueling cane -
Being the only prizes of the getting of you in this game.

 

 

[Ashspren]

A difficult choice for voters this round! Here’s the link:

https://goo.gl/forms/f0YWYVF0V57GqnKw1

VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

[AonEne he/him]

That was awesome.

All about the hype vote train! Yoot yoot!

[Wyndlerunner he/him]

That moment when Spook started rapping in high imperial, I busted out laughing!

[Ashspren]

Congrats to @Zath, the winner of this round!

The Championships will commence in less than 24 hours! Good luck to @Zath and @AonEne, our Final Two!!!

Edited August 6, 2018 by Ashspren

[AonEne he/him]

So in 24 hours, you'll let us put out what we write?

Okay. Let's go. Good luck to you, Zath, and congratulations on your win; may the best of us win this one.