Rules for Surviving a Fantasy World

[Flaming Coinshot he/him]

441: Don't eat or touch anything if you don't know precisely what it is.

[Frustration]

441b: unless the food isn't described, then eat away, if the food is given any sort of attention it is probably poison.

Example: 'the food was on the table', is ok to eat.

'The servent poured wine' is dangerous

[Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him]

442. If you have someone surrounded, and they say an odd, out-of-place phrase (ex: "The eagle flies south for winter"), only to be surprised when nothing happens, immediately finish your attack. They are definitely signaling some unseen party, and if you let them repeat their passphrase for dramatic/comedic effect, you will be finished off before you can attack.

[WrathofaShardKitten]

I can't believe no one has done these already.

443. If ever an attractive, well/oddly dressed person knocks on your door in the middle of the night, do not, under any circumstances, invite them into your house.

444. If ever an attractive, well/oddly dressed person knocks on your door, ask for an invitation to enter, and seem to be smiling, under no circumstances should you invite them inside, even if it happens to be in the middle of the day. And also sunny. They might not be a vampire this time, but the vast majority of evil fairies or other spirits operate under the same rules.

444a. If they are not smiling, but instead look serious, sad, or any similar emotion, they are probably safe to invite in.

444b. The same does not apply to anyone who appears to be mad at you. If you don't know them, they seem to be spiting threats and obscenities for no discernible reason, and still require an invitation into your house, do not let them in! Instead, politely offer your apologies for whatever you might have done (without promising anything in that said apology to make it up to them), close the door, and then call whoever it is that's in charge of disposing of supernatural entities. They likely have a grudge against you specifically and will otherwise be back for vengeance when you least expect it.

444c. If no such authority exists, iron, silver, salt, holy symbols. Keep a minimum of one of these things on you at all times, but do everything in your power to keep all four on you at any given time.

445. Be as hospitable as possible without breaking the above rules. You may offer them food, drink, directions and so on. They may even enter your house, just so long as they do not request a specific invitation to do so. Should they require this invitation, as previously stated, do not under any circumstances give it to them and do not leave your house until they are gone. If the individual knocked at night, you must wait until at least mid-morning of a sunny day. Do not trust yourself to the outdoors if it is overcast, or if clouds are moving quickly across the sun. Vampires may strike at any opportunity. If said encounter occurred during the day and the individual in question did not seem particularly mad at you or interested in you and your house in general, wait until the next morning at least. They may have left by nightfall, but to go out then would be violating other rules on this list, and would therefore lead to your downfall.

445a. The only exception to the minimum time requirement should be mundane tasks that you were planning to do before the individual knocked on your door, or if you gain knowledge that waiting would allow the beings to gather followers who are not obliged to follow the invitation rule. Any human is suspect during this time, even if they can enter your house without an invitation. Exceptions of the first category should still be avoided where possible. If an emergency should occur, such as a loved one falling gravely ill, do not leave the house! It may seem cruel, but the information is likely false, and you would fall into greater danger should you leave. Say you are sick. Explain what happened and claim you feel you are being watched. Do what you can to help remotely, such as via a phone call or over a computer. All this is allowed, but do not leave the house. (Even inside the house, it's best to have salt, silver, and iron close at hand.)

446. Avoid any odd, but seemingly naturally occurring phenomenon such as, say, a ring of toadstools.

447. Also avoid any ancient land marks, especially around astronomically or mythically relevant dates or events, such as an eclipse or particularly meaningful holidays.

[Shard of Reading he/him]

Someone should use these rules to create the most meta fantasy book of all time. I would totally read that. (I think the story would be something where there is an in world book with these rules and stuff doesn’t always happen as these rules describe them. Or maybe they do. I have no idea.) Whatever happens it would be a hilarious book. 

[Spren of Kindness she/her]

5 minutes ago, Shard of Reading said:

Someone should use these rules to create the most meta fantasy book of all time. I would totally read that. (I think the story would be something where there is an in world book with these rules and stuff doesn’t always happen as these rules describe them. Or maybe they do. I have no idea.) Whatever happens it would be a hilarious book. 

Between this and my desperate desire for a parody book that mocks the current trends in fantasy (from the A __ of __ and __ title onward), I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm going to have to write something about this.

[Shard of Reading he/him]

21 minutes ago, Spren of Kindness said:

Between this and my desperate desire for a parody book that mocks the current trends in fantasy (from the A __ of __ and __ title onward), I'm starting to get the feeling that I'm going to have to write something about this.

Oh yes please I need it. 

[Eluvianii he/him]

Have any rules been made that actually pertain to surviving in a fantasy world? Most, if not all of these would fit if the name was 'How to survive if you're a fictional character' (not that I'm complaining, or that I'm not guilty of it). 

Guess it's impossible since anything can be a fantasy world, but let's try. 

448. Never mock a dwarf about his alcohol consumption.

449. If you need staff, hire rebellious elves whenever you can. Rebelling against their family will have them in need of money, and their long lifespans mean that you won't need to hire a replacement for a while, provided they're good at their job. 

[NameIess]

450. If you ever get sued or arrested, lawyers are your friend. Seriously, never try to represent yourself, especially if you're not the main character.

[Enter a username]

451. People who rely on keeping the throne by keeping their subjects ignorant almost never stay in power for long.

452. Don't be an idiot.

Edited October 15, 2021 by Enter a username

[Frustration]

25 minutes ago, Enter a username said:

452. Don't be an idiot.

Jacob 6:12 "Oh be wise; what can I say more?"

[Chinkoln he/him]

453. If you are the ruler of the land, don’t toy with your enemies and don’t underestimate them. Just kill them straight off. Don’t try to question them, bribe them, make them switch sides, or torture them until they die. Just kill them.

[WrathofaShardKitten]

454. Pay close attention to your surroundings, especially the sounds of the same. Sudden silence, particularly in forests well populated with wildlife, though the rule applies anywhere, is a signal to immediately begin preparing your magical wards. Should you lack magical protection against external threats, one, how have you survived this long, and two, the silence is instead a sign that you should either prepare your weapons, or flee your location as fast as possible. The low, eerie sound of stringed instruments is another warning sign. Boss music is a sign, depending on the purpose of your group, that you are either approaching your goal or should, once again, flee as fast as possible in the opposite direction as the one you had previously been traveling. The only exception to this rule is when you can actually see the musician.

455. Never run with pointy objects. You are likely not the chosen one, even if the chosen one role exists within your world. Therefore, karma occasionally demands idiotic deaths in order to create stakes, increase the randomness of the death, and to make examples for the rule. If you have not been instructed on how to properly run with dangerous weapons, this may be you. You will trip on a root/stone/nothing/your own foot, impale yourself, and either slow the party down* to the point where they are ambushed, or die.

*Such slowing will often cause great annoyance to your traveling companions, and they may kill you out of sheer annoyance. Other options include abandonment, as it is better that one man should die than that the whole party should suffer.

[The Unknown Medallion he/him]

456. If you meet a person with a missing appendage, they are likely evil, or a veteran. Don't trust them.

457. When in doubt, hope plot armor applies and be an endearing character to try to encourage it to do so.

[Robin Sedai she/her]

458. But don't be too pure. Otherwise, you know what happens? You die, because you are Too Good for This Sinful Earth.

[SzethTheHonorblade]

Don't die. *shrugs. Simple enough.

[Quivil]

459. Don't die.

460. Don't make others die (if you can avoid it)

461. If you have to make others die, don't murder them in front of their family because if you do they will come and make you die.

[Frustration]

462. if someone mentions anything that you have to ask them to explain pay attention that is the most useful information for you to have, and if it's about a material acquire some as fast as possible.

Edited December 13, 2021 by Ookla the Frustrated

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood he/him]

463. never get a guide who says you can trust them.

[NameIess]

463a. The exception to this rule is if the guide looks like they have a tragic backstory. Clues as to this include: conspicuous wedding rings, staring at a locket with tears in eyes, etc.

463b. The exception to this exception is if the person seems guilty over something. If this is the case, their tragic backstory has doubtless resulted in a loved one being kidnapped by the dark lord or some similar situation. It may still be worth accepting their help, as they will doubtless have a compelling character arc, but doing so will be perilous.

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood he/him]

464. never trust anyone and I mean ANYONE who claims to see the future.

[AonEne he/him]

12 hours ago, Thaidakar the Ghostblood said:

464. never trust anyone and I mean ANYONE who claims to see the future.

, Shallan.  

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood he/him]

8 hours ago, AonEne said:

, Shallan.  

[Frustration]

On 2/28/2022 at 11:25 AM, Thaidakar the Ghostblood said:

464. never trust anyone and I mean ANYONE who claims to see the future.

464. b However understand that they are correct, so write down everything they say and figure out how it can come true in the best possible way for the protagonist.

Edited March 4, 2022 by Frustration

[Thaidakar the Ghostblood he/him]

On 3/2/2022 at 8:01 AM, Frustration said:

464. b However understnad that they are corrct, so write down everything they say and figure out how it can come true in the best possible way for the protagonist.

the grammar police wants to murder you Frustration.