Mental health club!

[#1 Taln Fan he/him]

1 hour ago, Rynturning_Light said:

@#1 Taln Fan

I know this is like a pointless ask, but do you have any advice about how exactly to open up in therapy?

I've got an appointment coming up, and my mental health has been in the slums recently. My depressed feelings have gotten worse, and honestly overtaken my anxiety, but I'd rather stick a knife in my thigh than tell my therapist that.

It needs to get out tho, and I'm not exactly getting better on my own. I just, I don't want to tell her. Call it fear or something else, but the thought of admitting my actual struggles puts me off to the point of anger, which I know is a defense mechanism, but i can't stop it

Not a great answer, but to some extent it's just gonna be hard, since opening up in person is hard. My recc is to think in the moment, "why am I here?". As I've said before, if you're not opening up fully in therapy, there's only so much they can do. So to some extent you kinda just have to go for it. 
One option is you can try writing it on a note or letter beforehand. I think that writing it out and then handing it to someone is often easier than formulating the words in the moment, so you could try that? 
Sorry if that isn't the most helpful advice  

[Usseewa]

i did have therapy and we talked about a lot of stuff. I talked about everything... except I held back a bit for the suicidal stuff. But we talked about suicide anyway, and self-harm, depression, stress, the lot.

 

Although I think I might... be somewhat in danger of giving myself a bad cut. I almost did it just now, I think. I'm not very depressed at the moment but I'm.. oh wait I remembered yeah. But anyway. uhhm yeah.

 

edit: I'm considering inpatient care or something like that..

Edited May 11 by Usseewa

[Verdance he/him]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

i did have therapy and we talked about a lot of stuff. I talked about everything... except I held back a bit for the suicidal stuff. But we talked about suicide anyway, and self-harm, depression, stress, the lot.

 

Although I think I might... be somewhat in danger of giving myself a bad cut. I almost did it just now, I think. I'm not very depressed at the moment but I'm.. oh wait I remembered yeah. But anyway. uhhm yeah.

 

edit: I'm considering inpatient care or something like that..

1. Did you talk about your SH?

2. Does the therapy help or make things worse?

3. Are you okay?

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

1. Did you talk about your SH?

2. Does the therapy help or make things worse?

3. Are you okay?

yeah we talked about SH and i basically said everything

yeah it helped. i finally got someone to talk to abt it besides y'all and those two hotline times.

I'm... okay at this moment? I guess I've been okay since the session, even if I already SH'd twice since it...

 

In general though, I don't think I'm okay.

 

I also started thinking about trans stuff again and... it's exhausting and deterring to look through reddit thread after reddit thread or post the same questions here over and over. I'm just worrying it's just a phase, like everything else. I've had interests I got really Invested in for a few months, then stopped, and it kinda sucks. Also it's just so hard to do stuff for transitioning. I don't really shave my legs because they just grow back and it takes effort. I basically haven't done any voice training because it's so damn hard and takes a while. The best I can hope for is HRT but I both question if I really want it and I question if the Dr.s will give it.

 

That's just one thing I guess. Probably there are bigger stuff but wtvr.

 

I just wanna cut a deep gash..

I've had intrusive thoughts or maybe just regular thoughts about stabbing my thighs for a while now. I even make the motion holding an air-knife sometimes when alone and when I'm mad at myself

[Frustration]

2 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

yeah we talked about SH and i basically said everything

yeah it helped. i finally got someone to talk to abt it besides y'all and those two hotline times.

I'm... okay at this moment? I guess I've been okay since the session, even if I already SH'd twice since it...

 

In general though, I don't think I'm okay.

 

I also started thinking about trans stuff again and... it's exhausting and deterring to look through reddit thread after reddit thread or post the same questions here over and over. I'm just worrying it's just a phase, like everything else. I've had interests I got really Invested in for a few months, then stopped, and it kinda sucks. Also it's just so hard to do stuff for transitioning. I don't really shave my legs because they just grow back and it takes effort. I basically haven't done any voice training because it's so damn hard and takes a while. The best I can hope for is HRT but I both question if I really want it and I question if the Dr.s will give it.

 

That's just one thing I guess. Probably there are bigger stuff but wtvr.

 

I just wanna cut a deep gash..

I've had intrusive thoughts or maybe just regular thoughts about stabbing my thighs for a while now. I even make the motion holding an air-knife sometimes when alone and when I'm mad at myself

Have you tried the rubber band method?

[Usseewa]

 

there's also not much room anymore for new cuts and it's annoying 

Just now, Frustration said:

Have you tried the rubber band method?

i tried it for like a day...

idk if it worked or not

 

one time i snapped it multiple times in a row for the pain

[Frustration]

2 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

 

there's also not much room anymore for new cuts and it's annoying 

i tried it for like a day...

idk if it worked or not

 

one time i snapped it multiple times in a row for the pain

Would trying it again be helpful?

[Usseewa]

2 hours ago, Frustration said:

Would trying it again be helpful?

Not really.

Also my arms are covered in cuts so like idk if it'd be good to snap a rubber band over them

Also rhe blood smears when put my sleeve up

 

now some have red surrounding

 

i keep pressing so hard

I'm worried I'm gonna escalate it too far

i don't think my blade is sharp enough 

 

edit: uhhhhh

Edited May 11 by Usseewa

[Verdance he/him]

3 hours ago, Usseewa said:

Not really.

Also my arms are covered in cuts so like idk if it'd be good to snap a rubber band over them

Also rhe blood smears when put my sleeve up

 

now some have red surrounding

 

i keep pressing so hard

I'm worried I'm gonna escalate it too far

i don't think my blade is sharp enough 

 

edit: uhhhhh

This is a lot- but i have heard worse people than you who have survived.

not sure how else to respond though

 

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

This is a lot- but i have heard worse people than you who have survived.

not sure how else to respond though

 

tis fine..

i didn't end up cutting deep or anything, js the usual

 

but I've started cutting on my thighs more cuz i need more space

but also

I'm scared to hit artery

but also

knowing about arteries is scary in case I'm suicidal 

[Verdance he/him]

Just now, Usseewa said:

tis fine..

i didn't end up cutting deep or anything, js the usual

 

but I've started cutting on my thighs more cuz i need more space

but also

I'm scared to hit artery

but also

knowing about arteries is scary in case I'm suicidal 

Stop cutting!!!

please!

[NerdSandwich she/her]

@Usseewa
*hugs*

Ik it's hard

I'm not one to tell you what to do

Just keep trying ok?

*hugs again*

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

Stop cutting!!!

please!

Sorrrry

I think I might be...addicted somewhat...

I did it three (or four?) sessions today and I usually only do once.

 

But also

 

I'll talk to someone soon

Just gotta... wait.

 

Also why does summer have to be a thingggg

I can't keep wearin hoodies forever

 

My cuts'll probably heal in a bit. Idrc if they scar at this point..

But the thing is if i keep cutting then i get new ones, yk?

1 minute ago, NerdSandwich said:

@Usseewa
*hugs*

Ik it's hard

I'm not one to tell you what to do

Just keep trying ok?

*hugs again*

I'm making progress... like, in the large scale of things

 

even if I'm... what's the word.. doing worse in other areas

 

also I'm not in the right mood (I'm neutral/happy) to be talking about this stuff. Not the same.

[NerdSandwich she/her]

Yeah I get it---I unfortunately have had...erm...similar experiences.
*more hugs* (shocker)

[Verdance he/him]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

Sorrrry

I think I might be...addicted somewhat...

I did it three (or four?) sessions today and I usually only do once.

 

But also

 

I'll talk to someone soon

Just gotta... wait.

 

Also why does summer have to be a thingggg

I can't keep wearin hoodies forever

 

My cuts'll probably heal in a bit. Idrc if they scar at this point..

But the thing is if i keep cutting then i get new ones, yk?

I'm making progress... like, in the large scale of things

 

even if I'm... what's the word.. doing worse in other areas

 

also I'm not in the right mood (I'm neutral/happy) to be talking about this stuff. Not the same.

You cut… three or four times… in one day…

i have only cut once

i literally dont know what to say, this is so far removed from me

we’re here for you, just… i literally feel like the muscle around my sternum is just clenching and my lungs feel weighed down by the air… please, stop doing this to yourself. You are worth so much more than this

[NerdSandwich she/her]

It does pain me to see someone other than myself going through this.

I'm glad you're making progress in general, though.

[Usseewa]

4 minutes ago, Verdance said:

You cut… three or four times… in one day…

i have only cut once

i literally dont know what to say, this is so far removed from me

we’re here for you, just… i literally feel like the muscle around my sternum is just clenching and my lungs feel weighed down by the air… please, stop doing this to yourself. You are worth so much more than this

Oh Ado I know that feeling... I actually wrote a poem about it (it's called "Chest Cavity," scheduled to publish in a few days)

I never knew how to describe it tho.

 

I can stop talking about it for a bit or something if you like. I apologize.

5 minutes ago, NerdSandwich said:

Yeah I get it---I unfortunately have had...erm...similar experiences.
*more hugs* (shocker)

Thanks

I hope you're better

1 minute ago, NerdSandwich said:

It does pain me to see someone other than myself going through this.

I'm glad you're making progress in general, though.

Yeah. It's like.. therapy progress. Self-awareness progress. I'm probably more depressed or about the same as I was a month ago, but it's progress in other areas? And also progress in being able to get help and talk about stuff.

[Verdance he/him]

Just now, Usseewa said:

Oh Ado I know that feeling... I actually wrote a poem about it (it's called "Chest Cavity," scheduled to publish in a few days)

I never knew how to describe it tho.

 

I can stop talking about it for a bit or something if you like. I apologize.

Thanks

I hope you're better

Yeah. It's like.. therapy progress. Self-awareness progress. I'm probably more depressed or about the same as I was a month ago, but it's progress in other areas? And also progress in being able to get help and talk about stuff.

You’re not triggering depression… just… painful empathy, to nearly a physical sensation.

im glad? Cause i still feel empathy, which i feel like ive been faking a lot lately 

but still like- this is not good. 

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

You’re not triggering depression… just… painful empathy, to nearly a physical sensation.

im glad? Cause i still feel empathy, which i feel like ive been faking a lot lately 

but still like- this is not good. 

that's... good, in one way, I suppose. That it's not triggering depress stuff.

Empathy is good, but it can also be painful. In my experience, at least, it can make you feel helpless when you try to help someone but just.. can't. (Nothing traumatic or anything dw.)

Yeah,

 

I know that it's not good,

and I should take my meds.

But I think I'm addicted,

To always being sad.

I wanna make it hurt,

It's better when I bleed.

I can feel the misery pouring out of me.

— Alterclad, Problems

[NerdSandwich she/her]

Yeah, I'm doing better, but I'm a...work in progress in more ways than one.

That poem---strangely---made sense to me.

[Verdance he/him]

Just now, NerdSandwich said:

Yeah, I'm doing better, but I'm a...work in progress in more ways than one.

That poem---strangely---made sense to me.

How long are you clean?

Do you have scars? Are they cool? How do you view them?

[Usseewa]

Just now, NerdSandwich said:

Yeah, I'm doing better, but I'm a...work in progress in more ways than one.

That poem---strangely---made sense to me.

It's actually lyrics from a song but yeah.

I related to it a lot.

Just don't listen to it on repeat like me!

I got suuuper depressed.

 

It can take a while, I think though. To get through stuff.

Vocaloid version:

 

 

Human (female) version:

human (male) version:

 

 

Just now, Verdance said:

How long are you clean?

Do you have scars? Are they cool? How do you view them?

also btw if it makes u feel any better, none of my cuts are deep or bad or anything.

[NerdSandwich she/her]

I have scars physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I don't view my scars as 'cool' certainly, I view them as part of me. I made some of them happen and I regret doing it, but I couldn't really help myself.
I was a cruel, hopeless, depressed, dumb, manipulative, arrogant, lazy, selfish, insecure, angry, stubborn.

Well I could go on

[Usseewa]

if they were I'd have to go to le hôspitál

[NerdSandwich she/her]

But now I mean I recognize that I'm a person ig.