Mental health club!

[Usseewa]

necesito opinion:

 

im talking on the shard to y'all instead of studying

im also talking on the shard and it brings me happiness

but I also haven't done any studying today

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

do I point out the conjugation error
reminds me, I need to continue writing my French literature piece. Currently involves a war on ants, a black hole, and juice boxes.

I mean what are people going to do with the information of where I am? 

depends how accurate info

 

but also for me.. maybe it's... idk. I don't want people to know my country or even time zone, for some reason.

I guess.... I want people to think... of me... differently than i am..?

but also it limits what I can talk about

I can't talk about my education as much..

which is a thing ppl can relate to (if I talked abt it)

 

also... interesting literature piece lol

300 pages.. yay..

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

depends how accurate info

 

but also for me.. maybe it's... idk. I don't want people to know my country or even time zone, for some reason.

I guess.... I want people to think... of me... differently than i am..?

but also it limits what I can talk about

I can't talk about my education as much..

which is a thing ppl can relate to (if I talked abt it)

but like what are people going to do about it lol

 

[Usseewa]

3 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

but like what are people going to do about it lol

well...

stalk you (irl and online)

dox you

blackmail

sell it to people

government stuff

 

idk....

lol

but u should care more

maybe not as much as me but still

ok that was a lame response on my part

btw i was talking about more accurate location than just country or TZ

Edited May 10 by Usseewa

[Aeoryi she/her]

Just now, Usseewa said:

well...

stalk you (irl and online)

dox you

blackmail

sell it to people

government stuff

 

idk....

lol

but u should care more

maybe not as much as me but still

people can stalk me yes, but if they're starting from the back end online here they'd have it in for them. People can do me, so then what? I have nothing to hide here! I'm practically open about where I am in the world and what I do. It's not like people would get much leverage out of threatening to dox me either. And what would someone on the internet want me to do for them in real life? All of our data is already being sold I don't think it's that deep. I guess identity theft is something they could do that would matter but realistically if the shard is going to be the difference between them being able to steal my identity or not they're going to run into a problem 

 

[Usseewa]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

people can stalk me yes, but if they're starting from the back end online here they'd have it in for them. People can do me, so then what? I have nothing to hide here! I'm practically open about where I am in the world and what I do. It's not like people would get much leverage out of threatening to dox me either. And what would someone on the internet want me to do for them in real life? All of our data is already being sold I don't think it's that deep. I guess identity theft is something they could do that would matter but realistically if the shard is going to be the difference between them being able to steal my identity or not they're going to run into a problem 

I suck at debate btw..

wdym by "back end online"?
Like literal backend as in the databases or whatever?

Or backwater?

 

The Shard is just another stream of info leading into the ocean that is one's data.

Idk.

Yeah, ik our data is being sold.

 

It's not necessarily about having something to hide.

Idk....

ima go study now since i im losing hehe

@Frustration

[Aeoryi she/her]

2 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

I suck at debate btw..

wdym by "back end online"?
Like literal backend as in the databases or whatever?

Or backwater?

 

The Shard is just another stream of info leading into the ocean that is one's data.

Idk.

Yeah, ik our data is being sold.

 

It's not necessarily about having something to hide.

Idk....

ima go study now since i im losing hehe

@Frustration

well it's much easier to solve from the forward direction, which is to know me in real life and figure out my online stuff compared to trying to start with my online stuff to figure out who I am in real life.
 

[Verdance he/him]

42 minutes ago, Shatter said:

Sick. I assume co-op is part of that? If it is, that might be a good path to a job.

Do you have housing at uni planned?

Its like a camp, i also have the option of transferring to a small christian university nearby afterwards

44 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

la rêve but yeah

 

what do you plan to do during your gap year? Are you going to try to get into some new hobby? Anything exciting?

 

Erm learn more guitar, if the campus allows i will get a job, of the campus allows i will buy an electric guitar (Fender Telecaster or whatever Jacob Tsafatinos plays at his next concert)

i believe the program sends us on a few trips throughout the year, i earn a majority of the credits i would earn with an average college bimester but with a fraction of the workload, (albeit very difficult to transfer), and most importantly, any homework i do get wont require me to be online all the time so ill have a good opportunity to try and cure my screen addiction 

mainly looking forward to not living in the same house as my dad though, although i will miss my mom and dog and brothers (in that order) (yes i live my dad its just not the same as you know pretty well)

[Frustration]

2 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

well it's much easier to solve from the forward direction, which is to know me in real life and figure out my online stuff compared to trying to start with my online stuff to figure out who I am in real life.
 

 

14 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

people can stalk me yes, but if they're starting from the back end online here they'd have it in for them. People can do me, so then what? I have nothing to hide here! I'm practically open about where I am in the world and what I do. It's not like people would get much leverage out of threatening to dox me either. And what would someone on the internet want me to do for them in real life? All of our data is already being sold I don't think it's that deep. I guess identity theft is something they could do that would matter but realistically if the shard is going to be the difference between them being able to steal my identity or not they're going to run into a problem 

 

Oh boy.

Alright I'll discuss this

First you say: what do I have to hide?

Well if you have nothing to hide, may I ask for your username and password to all of your various accounts?

Your bank account and email in particular.

Or your search history, would you mind sending that to me?

How about giving me live access to your location?

You could very realistically and easily do any of these things, but I'm going to guess you won't

Because even if I have no ill will towards you that's not something you just share with anyone who asks.

However the vast majority of people who have access to this information never asked you, and anytime laws are proposed that would stop them from collecting this information or that would restrict what they can do with it, they fight like their lives depend on it.

So here's my second question? If that information isn't important and doesn't impact your life: why is selling it a multi-billion dollar industry?

And yes it does impact you.

Anything you buy with debit/credit card is recorded, insurance agencies will charge you different amounts based on what they find there.

The thing is we have no reason to put up with this, it's not hard to cut 70-90% of that information gathering out of your life withthout a single interuption in your day to day life.

I can keep going for 2-3 pages about all the ways various actors, both governmental and corporate, are spying on you and collecting information you wouldn't give to your friends, but I think I've explained the basic reasoning behind it.

[Verdance he/him]

I pity the person who spies on me

foolishly subjecting themselves to the cognitohazard that is my personal information 

they shall never be the same

[Usseewa]

40 minutes ago, Verdance said:

I pity the person who spies on me

foolishly subjecting themselves to the cognitohazard that is my personal information 

they shall never be the same

the thing is... it's probably not an individual person. That simply doesn't work for such large-scale surveillance.

 

I assume.

 

Spoiler

also i think i'm suicidal but i can't tell

but I haven't even done any of the studying I was gonna do.

It's been like an hour and I've just sat here thinking about suicide and stuff..

 

[Shatter He/Him]

47 minutes ago, Frustration said:

 

Oh boy.

Alright I'll discuss this

First you say: what do I have to hide?

Well if you have nothing to hide, may I ask for your username and password to all of your various accounts?

Your bank account and email in particular.

Or your search history, would you mind sending that to me?

How about giving me live access to your location?

You could very realistically and easily do any of these things, but I'm going to guess you won't

Because even if I have no ill will towards you that's not something you just share with anyone who asks.

However the vast majority of people who have access to this information never asked you, and anytime laws are proposed that would stop them from collecting this information or that would restrict what they can do with it, they fight like their lives depend on it.

So here's my second question? If that information isn't important and doesn't impact your life: why is selling it a multi-billion dollar industry?

And yes it does impact you.

Anything you buy with debit/credit card is recorded, insurance agencies will charge you different amounts based on what they find there.

The thing is we have no reason to put up with this, it's not hard to cut 70-90% of that information gathering out of your life withthout a single interuption in your day to day life.

I can keep going for 2-3 pages about all the ways various actors, both governmental and corporate, are spying on you and collecting information you wouldn't give to your friends, but I think I've explained the basic reasoning behind it.

A few points. 

Here in Canada, insurers are restricted by law and regulation in what external data they can use. They don’t freely browse your purchases and adjust prices like surveillance capitalism sometimes suggests. Your transactions are recorded by your bank, but your bank doesn't sell your data as you imply. Cutting 70% to 90% of data is optimistic to the point of being misleading. You can decrease the amount of tracking, but it's nearly impossible to cut that amount in this digital age. 

Just now, Usseewa said:

the thing is... it's probably not an individual person. That simply doesn't work for such large-scale surveillance.

 

I assume.

 

  Hide contents

also i think i'm suicidal but i can't tell

but I haven't even done any of the studying I was gonna do.

It's been like an hour and I've just sat here thinking about suicide and stuff..

 

*hugs*

Need to talk about anything?

[Verdance he/him]

2 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

the thing is... it's probably not an individual person. That simply doesn't work for such large-scale surveillance.

 

I assume.

 

  Hide contents

also i think i'm suicidal but i can't tell

but I haven't even done any of the studying I was gonna do.

It's been like an hour and I've just sat here thinking about suicide and stuff..

 

*hugs*
anything i can do to help?

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 hour ago, Frustration said:

 

Oh boy.

Alright I'll discuss this

First you say: what do I have to hide?

Well if you have nothing to hide, may I ask for your username and password to all of your various accounts?

Your bank account and email in particular.

Or your search history, would you mind sending that to me?

How about giving me live access to your location?

You could very realistically and easily do any of these things, but I'm going to guess you won't

Because even if I have no ill will towards you that's not something you just share with anyone who asks.

However the vast majority of people who have access to this information never asked you, and anytime laws are proposed that would stop them from collecting this information or that would restrict what they can do with it, they fight like their lives depend on it.

So here's my second question? If that information isn't important and doesn't impact your life: why is selling it a multi-billion dollar industry?

And yes it does impact you.

Anything you buy with debit/credit card is recorded, insurance agencies will charge you different amounts based on what they find there.

The thing is we have no reason to put up with this, it's not hard to cut 70-90% of that information gathering out of your life withthout a single interuption in your day to day life.

I can keep going for 2-3 pages about all the ways various actors, both governmental and corporate, are spying on you and collecting information you wouldn't give to your friends, but I think I've explained the basic reasoning behind it.

my apologies. I was unaware they were able to access my bank account through the posts I make on the shard. 

[Usseewa]

1 minute ago, Shatter said:

*hugs*

Need to talk about anything?

I need to study but it's.. just feels impossible or not worth it.

I didn't even take the best notes, some stuff are completely missing. Each semester I just feel like I'm barely making it through, even if my grades are good.

And... I don't know I was thinking..

And the pain in my wrist is unbearable even though it's so dull..

When I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep or if im just thinking in silence (well... i have a song playing on repeat rn..) then I feel it and I just want it to go away...

I was also thinking of.. different ways I could end myself.. and I couldn't bear to imagine the pain of some of them. I've always hated the idea of pain, especially certain types. It's the subject of some of the intrusive thoughts I've had in the past. It would just be unbearable. I imagined myself just.. wanting to die, if I survived and went to a hospital, just wanting to die and not face the pain. Or be unconscious. But then the aftermath. I don't want all that pain. So some of the methods would probably be less painful, especially if they worked. But I also don't think I want to die... But I also don't want to die in the future.. like I want control of when/how I die..? And idk I'm just really sad I think and it's kind of my fault but I've also been thinking like this for.. a bit. Like maybe a few days or a few weeks or maybe even longer, i don't know. I also thought of how I might make some people who know me lives pretty bad, or at least make them sad, and I don't want that, I kinda wish I could die... without making people sad. Like it would be easier if I didn't have anyone, idk. But I also can't really come up with a reason why I would want to die, like one that I would have to tell a therapist or doctor or someone. But also one of the only things that makes me hesitant is that I have/had so many plans and dreams. Things I want to write, code, create, etc. But also it's not like I'm making progress on anything. I don't even have a plan for my future, which I guess is fine but... I just don't know. I sort of wish I had no one. But I don't want to go to sleep again tonight in pain, even if it's only 30 minutes or however long it takes me to fall asleep, because each second is eternity. Even if I know I'll fall asleep eventually if I just lay there, it doesn't help. I can't handle pain, not this kind. I just feel like... like since I can't tell anyone about this, they just think I'm not trying, or slacking, or being rude, or something when in reality I want to do it but I just can't. And I sound so depressed whenever I talk to someone, it sounds so depressed. I just want to.. be alone and.. idk. I think it would be nice on a roof at night, to be honest. Calming. I don't want people to see my dead body though. No one should see that. But I don't really want to be forgotten? I don't even have that many methods to... do it. And I know.. I shouldn't.. but I don't know. I guess I'm just thinking the my life is kinda pointless thing. Like.. I haven't really talked to people that much IRL in... idk, weeks maybe. Outside of the shard, I haven't even texted people that much. I guess I did talk to my therapist whenever that was, and I had dnd once. but idk. and the semester is almost over and i probably wont really talk to anyone over the summer either. and in the fall ill just have to do the grind all over again. it feels like this class i took once where I had to write an essay every week or something. I get it done, then immediately have to do another, never-ending. I finish my work sunday, then start/procrastinate next week's work. and I have to study. I don't have much time. and i dont even want to eat anymore, I'd rather be hungry and just.. be asleep all day and not wake up because then I'd be awake and not sleepy and couldn't fall asleep again. It's kinda of... surprising how little work i have left for this school semester. But still it feels like a mountain I have to climb, or a race I'm late to that everyone has started already. Basically every week I've been telling myself "I'll take better notes next class!" and.. I don't. And like, I sometimes don't even know what I want to do. And my days aren't adding up to anything, each day is just like the notes, it's just me making it through the day, sometimes looking forward to a future date like the next therapy session. I barely know what day it is, because it doesn't matter. I mean if I think about it, I know what today is, but only because I checked the day a few hours ago. Like, weekends don't really matter to me tbh. They're just for more schoolwork. For more procrastination. And also while I was sitting and thinking, I pictured myself getting my knife and cutting but worse, deeper, longer, more painful, more blood, more serious. And lately I've been thinking how... what does it matter what happens to my body if I'll just die? So what if I don't eat or if I cut myself because... yeah. And I don't really know what's wrong at this point. It could honestly be related to my being trans. I haven't done anything more to get hrt, or to transition really, besides what I already have done. I haven't even wore a skirt in... weeks, months, idk, because it's inconvenient and .. yeah. I looked in the mirror a few times the past few days and I liked how I looked. A depressed girl, or just a girl, is what I saw. I liked it. But then earlier today I was thinking how I thought of myself as a guy, maybe in a dream or something? And then I thought that I'm just seeing myself as how I've always seen myself, and that person is not really a guy, nor a girl. Basically emo, or something. Or some shy loser. But also I don't really know what a guy is like. And I'm worried about my sexuality and whether I actually like guys. And voice training is too hard, I just want an easy fix that never exists. And sometimes I still question if I'm trans or if I'm just convincing myself I am, like all these other things. Like, and I kinda avoided saying this in the past, but for the past month or weeks idk I've basically convinced myself to some level that I have schizophrenia. but in reality the only signs I show are the depression signs which don't really mean anything on their own. but it doesn't matter. I can just keep it to myself so no one judges me, you know? I keep stuff to myself sometimes because I know if I say it I'll get refuted or judged or something. Like you know all those thoughts like if you say "I'm a loser" and someone says "no you're not" then like... it's kinda ignoring the purpose, I guess? Like the point is that I feel bad about myself not that I need affirmation. And sometimes I do need affirmation. Also why do random muscles keep twitching, it's annoying... But back to schizophrenia, I know it's not a joke or anything and it's a serious thing but. And I've basically noticed all my possible auditory (and some visual) hallucinations that in reality are probably either normal or simply actually happened (and therefore not hallucinations). And I don't want (but maybe need?) anyone to say I don't have schizophrenia, or anything else for my other things I think. I already know that logically I probably don't, but I can't.. I can't explain it? Like.. I know something so I don't want someone to say it, I don't want to just be judged when I've already judged myself in my mind or been judged before. If someone says I'm not suicidal, I don't want to hear that because it's shameful that I thought I was. If I think I'm dying of cancer and the doctor does a friendly laugh and says it's something innocuous, I don't always like hearing that (this specific example has not happened, but I'm talking about stuff similar). I just feel like a fool. If I tell someone I'm worried/I think I have schizophrenia and they say "Lily, you clearly don't, no need to worry," then I won't feel relieved, I'll just continue thinking maybe I do while knowing that anyone who matters will say I don't. Idk, this kinda devolved into me venting about my general mental health crap that I've been thinking and struggling with for a while. But yeah. And... please do not judge me, but in a sense, I want to have schizophrenia. Please do not judge me. I already know I shouldn't want that, it's serious, it's not a joke, idk... And I think maybe my whole not wanting to be judged could be a problem. Oh yeah that reminds me of what I was gonna say, that I hate being wrong or corrected or something. It hurts. I've probably talked about this before, I have yeah. But when I got my essay back recently, I got a fairly low grade (for me) and I didn't really want to read the feedback but I did and some of it was what I already knew. When I was writing the essay, I knew it felt disorganized and that I didn't really take the time to organize it and that is one thing the instructor commented on. Lots of times when someone's talking to me, I either sense the "but" or falsely assume there's one, or whatever. If someone says something good, I sort of cringe or wince and wait for the ", but..." Or if someone breathes in then I know it's gonna be bad and I can't stand/handle it. If I start reading a message/post and see that it's bad, then I just.. die, kind of. I want to hit myself, I guess. I just know I messed up, even if I don't know exactly how, and I know I can't undo it. I just feel like I'm somehow gonna do poorly academically. I have imposter syndrome l think. I also struggle to formulate my words or whatever the generic phrase is, so I feel like a... fool compared to people who speak or write so eloquently, so confidently. I guess sometimes I quit before trying because I think I'll fail, so it ends up just being a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess. But there's just so stormin' much. So much in my confused brain, so much I can't explain properly, or so much I... idk!! I had a habit when I was younger of saying "I don't know," and clearly it hasn't faded. But I just want people to understand me, but I can't even understand myself. There's just too much, in my head. And sometimes I feel like I expressed something greatly, but either I didn't or it's just a once in a while thing, a fluke. And my arms are sore... and I just want someone to notice... And if I try to word

sorry i forgot what i was gonna say

but sayonara, gotta study...

[Verdance he/him]

2 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

I need to study but it's.. just feels impossible or not worth it.

I didn't even take the best notes, some stuff are completely missing. Each semester I just feel like I'm barely making it through, even if my grades are good.

And... I don't know I was thinking..

And the pain in my wrist is unbearable even though it's so dull..

When I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep or if im just thinking in silence (well... i have a song playing on repeat rn..) then I feel it and I just want it to go away...

I was also thinking of.. different ways I could end myself.. and I couldn't bear to imagine the pain of some of them. I've always hated the idea of pain, especially certain types. It's the subject of some of the intrusive thoughts I've had in the past. It would just be unbearable. I imagined myself just.. wanting to die, if I survived and went to a hospital, just wanting to die and not face the pain. Or be unconscious. But then the aftermath. I don't want all that pain. So some of the methods would probably be less painful, especially if they worked. But I also don't think I want to die... But I also don't want to die in the future.. like I want control of when/how I die..? And idk I'm just really sad I think and it's kind of my fault but I've also been thinking like this for.. a bit. Like maybe a few days or a few weeks or maybe even longer, i don't know. I also thought of how I might make some people who know me lives pretty bad, or at least make them sad, and I don't want that, I kinda wish I could die... without making people sad. Like it would be easier if I didn't have anyone, idk. But I also can't really come up with a reason why I would want to die, like one that I would have to tell a therapist or doctor or someone. But also one of the only things that makes me hesitant is that I have/had so many plans and dreams. Things I want to write, code, create, etc. But also it's not like I'm making progress on anything. I don't even have a plan for my future, which I guess is fine but... I just don't know. I sort of wish I had no one. But I don't want to go to sleep again tonight in pain, even if it's only 30 minutes or however long it takes me to fall asleep, because each second is eternity. Even if I know I'll fall asleep eventually if I just lay there, it doesn't help. I can't handle pain, not this kind. I just feel like... like since I can't tell anyone about this, they just think I'm not trying, or slacking, or being rude, or something when in reality I want to do it but I just can't. And I sound so depressed whenever I talk to someone, it sounds so depressed. I just want to.. be alone and.. idk. I think it would be nice on a roof at night, to be honest. Calming. I don't want people to see my dead body though. No one should see that. But I don't really want to be forgotten? I don't even have that many methods to... do it. And I know.. I shouldn't.. but I don't know. I guess I'm just thinking the my life is kinda pointless thing. Like.. I haven't really talked to people that much IRL in... idk, weeks maybe. Outside of the shard, I haven't even texted people that much. I guess I did talk to my therapist whenever that was, and I had dnd once. but idk. and the semester is almost over and i probably wont really talk to anyone over the summer either. and in the fall ill just have to do the grind all over again. it feels like this class i took once where I had to write an essay every week or something. I get it done, then immediately have to do another, never-ending. I finish my work sunday, then start/procrastinate next week's work. and I have to study. I don't have much time. and i dont even want to eat anymore, I'd rather be hungry and just.. be asleep all day and not wake up because then I'd be awake and not sleepy and couldn't fall asleep again. It's kinda of... surprising how little work i have left for this school semester. But still it feels like a mountain I have to climb, or a race I'm late to that everyone has started already. Basically every week I've been telling myself "I'll take better notes next class!" and.. I don't. And like, I sometimes don't even know what I want to do. And my days aren't adding up to anything, each day is just like the notes, it's just me making it through the day, sometimes looking forward to a future date like the next therapy session. I barely know what day it is, because it doesn't matter. I mean if I think about it, I know what today is, but only because I checked the day a few hours ago. Like, weekends don't really matter to me tbh. They're just for more schoolwork. For more procrastination. And also while I was sitting and thinking, I pictured myself getting my knife and cutting but worse, deeper, longer, more painful, more blood, more serious. And lately I've been thinking how... what does it matter what happens to my body if I'll just die? So what if I don't eat or if I cut myself because... yeah. And I don't really know what's wrong at this point. It could honestly be related to my being trans. I haven't done anything more to get hrt, or to transition really, besides what I already have done. I haven't even wore a skirt in... weeks, months, idk, because it's inconvenient and .. yeah. I looked in the mirror a few times the past few days and I liked how I looked. A depressed girl, or just a girl, is what I saw. I liked it. But then earlier today I was thinking how I thought of myself as a guy, maybe in a dream or something? And then I thought that I'm just seeing myself as how I've always seen myself, and that person is not really a guy, nor a girl. Basically emo, or something. Or some shy loser. But also I don't really know what a guy is like. And I'm worried about my sexuality and whether I actually like guys. And voice training is too hard, I just want an easy fix that never exists. And sometimes I still question if I'm trans or if I'm just convincing myself I am, like all these other things. Like, and I kinda avoided saying this in the past, but for the past month or weeks idk I've basically convinced myself to some level that I have schizophrenia. but in reality the only signs I show are the depression signs which don't really mean anything on their own. but it doesn't matter. I can just keep it to myself so no one judges me, you know? I keep stuff to myself sometimes because I know if I say it I'll get refuted or judged or something. Like you know all those thoughts like if you say "I'm a loser" and someone says "no you're not" then like... it's kinda ignoring the purpose, I guess? Like the point is that I feel bad about myself not that I need affirmation. And sometimes I do need affirmation. Also why do random muscles keep twitching, it's annoying... But back to schizophrenia, I know it's not a joke or anything and it's a serious thing but. And I've basically noticed all my possible auditory (and some visual) hallucinations that in reality are probably either normal or simply actually happened (and therefore not hallucinations). And I don't want (but maybe need?) anyone to say I don't have schizophrenia, or anything else for my other things I think. I already know that logically I probably don't, but I can't.. I can't explain it? Like.. I know something so I don't want someone to say it, I don't want to just be judged when I've already judged myself in my mind or been judged before. If someone says I'm not suicidal, I don't want to hear that because it's shameful that I thought I was. If I think I'm dying of cancer and the doctor does a friendly laugh and says it's something innocuous, I don't always like hearing that (this specific example has not happened, but I'm talking about stuff similar). I just feel like a fool. If I tell someone I'm worried/I think I have schizophrenia and they say "Lily, you clearly don't, no need to worry," then I won't feel relieved, I'll just continue thinking maybe I do while knowing that anyone who matters will say I don't. Idk, this kinda devolved into me venting about my general mental health crap that I've been thinking and struggling with for a while. But yeah. And... please do not judge me, but in a sense, I want to have schizophrenia. Please do not judge me. I already know I shouldn't want that, it's serious, it's not a joke, idk... And I think maybe my whole not wanting to be judged could be a problem. Oh yeah that reminds me of what I was gonna say, that I hate being wrong or corrected or something. It hurts. I've probably talked about this before, I have yeah. But when I got my essay back recently, I got a fairly low grade (for me) and I didn't really want to read the feedback but I did and some of it was what I already knew. When I was writing the essay, I knew it felt disorganized and that I didn't really take the time to organize it and that is one thing the instructor commented on. Lots of times when someone's talking to me, I either sense the "but" or falsely assume there's one, or whatever. If someone says something good, I sort of cringe or wince and wait for the ", but..." Or if someone breathes in then I know it's gonna be bad and I can't stand/handle it. If I start reading a message/post and see that it's bad, then I just.. die, kind of. I want to hit myself, I guess. I just know I messed up, even if I don't know exactly how, and I know I can't undo it. I just feel like I'm somehow gonna do poorly academically. I have imposter syndrome l think. I also struggle to formulate my words or whatever the generic phrase is, so I feel like a... fool compared to people who speak or write so eloquently, so confidently. I guess sometimes I quit before trying because I think I'll fail, so it ends up just being a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess. But there's just so stormin' much. So much in my confused brain, so much I can't explain properly, or so much I... idk!! I had a habit when I was younger of saying "I don't know," and clearly it hasn't faded. But I just want people to understand me, but I can't even understand myself. There's just too much, in my head. And sometimes I feel like I expressed something greatly, but either I didn't or it's just a once in a while thing, a fluke. And my arms are sore... and I just want someone to notice... And if I try to word

sorry i forgot what i was gonna say

but sayonara, gotta study...

I can’t respond to all this

i literally can’t hold it all in my mind at once

[Usseewa]

16 minutes ago, Verdance said:

I can’t respond to all this

i literally can’t hold it all in my mind at once

Sorry, it's okay.

[Verdance he/him]

2 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

Sorry, it's okay.

Do you have any irl friends you could talk to? That might be better. If you go to a public school, your best bet might be an LGBT club, from my experience 

[Usseewa]

Just now, Verdance said:

Do you have any irl friends you could talk to? That might be better. If you go to a public school, your best bet might be an LGBT club, from my experience 

No.. not really.

I have some people that i haven't texted in weeks and idk if it'd be okay to text them abt this i dont even know them that well.

i have therapy coming up soon.

 

i studied some at least. gonna do more.

and go to bed hungry

last night i gave in and ate smth

[Frustration]

1 hour ago, Shatter said:

A few points. 

Here in Canada, insurers are restricted by law and regulation in what external data they can use. They don’t freely browse your purchases and adjust prices like surveillance capitalism sometimes suggests. Your transactions are recorded by your bank, but your bank doesn't sell your data as you imply. 

This is all of course dependent on local laws, yes, but the fact that you had to have a law about it in the first place tells you that it was happening. And your bank doesn't necessarily sell that information, but it can be retrieved, and used against you.

1 hour ago, Shatter said:

Cutting 70% to 90% of data is optimistic to the point of being misleading. You can decrease the amount of tracking, but it's nearly impossible to cut that amount in this digital age. 

I would argue otherwise. System hardening, VPNs and control of what software you use can pretty easily get you down that far. Now the remaining 30-10% becomes increasingly difficult to outright impossible to remove you are correct, but it is doable. Simply by changing my browser I've blocked close to 400k trackers and ads in the last couple of months. Use of a VPN hides my location and IP address from the websites I visit, as well as my activity from my ISP.

51 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

my apologies. I was unaware they were able to access my bank account through the posts I make on the shard. 

Not what I said.

The shard keeps very little information on you, but caring about privacy in general is highly important.

33 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

I need to study but it's.. just feels impossible or not worth it.

I didn't even take the best notes, some stuff are completely missing. Each semester I just feel like I'm barely making it through, even if my grades are good.

And... I don't know I was thinking..

And the pain in my wrist is unbearable even though it's so dull..

When I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep or if im just thinking in silence (well... i have a song playing on repeat rn..) then I feel it and I just want it to go away...

I was also thinking of.. different ways I could end myself.. and I couldn't bear to imagine the pain of some of them. I've always hated the idea of pain, especially certain types. It's the subject of some of the intrusive thoughts I've had in the past. It would just be unbearable. I imagined myself just.. wanting to die, if I survived and went to a hospital, just wanting to die and not face the pain. Or be unconscious. But then the aftermath. I don't want all that pain. So some of the methods would probably be less painful, especially if they worked. But I also don't think I want to die... But I also don't want to die in the future.. like I want control of when/how I die..? And idk I'm just really sad I think and it's kind of my fault but I've also been thinking like this for.. a bit. Like maybe a few days or a few weeks or maybe even longer, i don't know. I also thought of how I might make some people who know me lives pretty bad, or at least make them sad, and I don't want that, I kinda wish I could die... without making people sad. Like it would be easier if I didn't have anyone, idk. But I also can't really come up with a reason why I would want to die, like one that I would have to tell a therapist or doctor or someone. But also one of the only things that makes me hesitant is that I have/had so many plans and dreams. Things I want to write, code, create, etc. But also it's not like I'm making progress on anything. I don't even have a plan for my future, which I guess is fine but... I just don't know. I sort of wish I had no one. But I don't want to go to sleep again tonight in pain, even if it's only 30 minutes or however long it takes me to fall asleep, because each second is eternity. Even if I know I'll fall asleep eventually if I just lay there, it doesn't help. I can't handle pain, not this kind. I just feel like... like since I can't tell anyone about this, they just think I'm not trying, or slacking, or being rude, or something when in reality I want to do it but I just can't. And I sound so depressed whenever I talk to someone, it sounds so depressed. I just want to.. be alone and.. idk. I think it would be nice on a roof at night, to be honest. Calming. I don't want people to see my dead body though. No one should see that. But I don't really want to be forgotten? I don't even have that many methods to... do it. And I know.. I shouldn't.. but I don't know. I guess I'm just thinking the my life is kinda pointless thing. Like.. I haven't really talked to people that much IRL in... idk, weeks maybe. Outside of the shard, I haven't even texted people that much. I guess I did talk to my therapist whenever that was, and I had dnd once. but idk. and the semester is almost over and i probably wont really talk to anyone over the summer either. and in the fall ill just have to do the grind all over again. it feels like this class i took once where I had to write an essay every week or something. I get it done, then immediately have to do another, never-ending. I finish my work sunday, then start/procrastinate next week's work. and I have to study. I don't have much time. and i dont even want to eat anymore, I'd rather be hungry and just.. be asleep all day and not wake up because then I'd be awake and not sleepy and couldn't fall asleep again. It's kinda of... surprising how little work i have left for this school semester. But still it feels like a mountain I have to climb, or a race I'm late to that everyone has started already. Basically every week I've been telling myself "I'll take better notes next class!" and.. I don't. And like, I sometimes don't even know what I want to do. And my days aren't adding up to anything, each day is just like the notes, it's just me making it through the day, sometimes looking forward to a future date like the next therapy session. I barely know what day it is, because it doesn't matter. I mean if I think about it, I know what today is, but only because I checked the day a few hours ago. Like, weekends don't really matter to me tbh. They're just for more schoolwork. For more procrastination. And also while I was sitting and thinking, I pictured myself getting my knife and cutting but worse, deeper, longer, more painful, more blood, more serious. And lately I've been thinking how... what does it matter what happens to my body if I'll just die? So what if I don't eat or if I cut myself because... yeah. And I don't really know what's wrong at this point. It could honestly be related to my being trans. I haven't done anything more to get hrt, or to transition really, besides what I already have done. I haven't even wore a skirt in... weeks, months, idk, because it's inconvenient and .. yeah. I looked in the mirror a few times the past few days and I liked how I looked. A depressed girl, or just a girl, is what I saw. I liked it. But then earlier today I was thinking how I thought of myself as a guy, maybe in a dream or something? And then I thought that I'm just seeing myself as how I've always seen myself, and that person is not really a guy, nor a girl. Basically emo, or something. Or some shy loser. But also I don't really know what a guy is like. And I'm worried about my sexuality and whether I actually like guys. And voice training is too hard, I just want an easy fix that never exists. And sometimes I still question if I'm trans or if I'm just convincing myself I am, like all these other things. Like, and I kinda avoided saying this in the past, but for the past month or weeks idk I've basically convinced myself to some level that I have schizophrenia. but in reality the only signs I show are the depression signs which don't really mean anything on their own. but it doesn't matter. I can just keep it to myself so no one judges me, you know? I keep stuff to myself sometimes because I know if I say it I'll get refuted or judged or something. Like you know all those thoughts like if you say "I'm a loser" and someone says "no you're not" then like... it's kinda ignoring the purpose, I guess? Like the point is that I feel bad about myself not that I need affirmation. And sometimes I do need affirmation. Also why do random muscles keep twitching, it's annoying... But back to schizophrenia, I know it's not a joke or anything and it's a serious thing but. And I've basically noticed all my possible auditory (and some visual) hallucinations that in reality are probably either normal or simply actually happened (and therefore not hallucinations). And I don't want (but maybe need?) anyone to say I don't have schizophrenia, or anything else for my other things I think. I already know that logically I probably don't, but I can't.. I can't explain it? Like.. I know something so I don't want someone to say it, I don't want to just be judged when I've already judged myself in my mind or been judged before. If someone says I'm not suicidal, I don't want to hear that because it's shameful that I thought I was. If I think I'm dying of cancer and the doctor does a friendly laugh and says it's something innocuous, I don't always like hearing that (this specific example has not happened, but I'm talking about stuff similar). I just feel like a fool. If I tell someone I'm worried/I think I have schizophrenia and they say "Lily, you clearly don't, no need to worry," then I won't feel relieved, I'll just continue thinking maybe I do while knowing that anyone who matters will say I don't. Idk, this kinda devolved into me venting about my general mental health crap that I've been thinking and struggling with for a while. But yeah. And... please do not judge me, but in a sense, I want to have schizophrenia. Please do not judge me. I already know I shouldn't want that, it's serious, it's not a joke, idk... And I think maybe my whole not wanting to be judged could be a problem. Oh yeah that reminds me of what I was gonna say, that I hate being wrong or corrected or something. It hurts. I've probably talked about this before, I have yeah. But when I got my essay back recently, I got a fairly low grade (for me) and I didn't really want to read the feedback but I did and some of it was what I already knew. When I was writing the essay, I knew it felt disorganized and that I didn't really take the time to organize it and that is one thing the instructor commented on. Lots of times when someone's talking to me, I either sense the "but" or falsely assume there's one, or whatever. If someone says something good, I sort of cringe or wince and wait for the ", but..." Or if someone breathes in then I know it's gonna be bad and I can't stand/handle it. If I start reading a message/post and see that it's bad, then I just.. die, kind of. I want to hit myself, I guess. I just know I messed up, even if I don't know exactly how, and I know I can't undo it. I just feel like I'm somehow gonna do poorly academically. I have imposter syndrome l think. I also struggle to formulate my words or whatever the generic phrase is, so I feel like a... fool compared to people who speak or write so eloquently, so confidently. I guess sometimes I quit before trying because I think I'll fail, so it ends up just being a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess. But there's just so stormin' much. So much in my confused brain, so much I can't explain properly, or so much I... idk!! I had a habit when I was younger of saying "I don't know," and clearly it hasn't faded. But I just want people to understand me, but I can't even understand myself. There's just too much, in my head. And sometimes I feel like I expressed something greatly, but either I didn't or it's just a once in a while thing, a fluke. And my arms are sore... and I just want someone to notice... And if I try to word

sorry i forgot what i was gonna say

but sayonara, gotta study...

@Usseewa You said you're making plans.

Do you have one you keep coming back to?

[Aeoryi she/her]

9 minutes ago, Frustration said:

This is all of course dependent on local laws, yes, but the fact that you had to have a law about it in the first place tells you that it was happening. And your bank doesn't necessarily sell that information, but it can be retrieved, and used against you.

I would argue otherwise. System hardening, VPNs and control of what software you use can pretty easily get you down that far. Now the remaining 30-10% becomes increasingly difficult to outright impossible to remove you are correct, but it is doable. Simply by changing my browser I've blocked close to 400k trackers and ads in the last couple of months. Use of a VPN hides my location and IP address from the websites I visit, as well as my activity from my ISP.

Not what I said.

The shard keeps very little information on you, but caring about privacy in general is highly important.

sorry if this is off track but is this really the greatest place for this right now...

 

[Usseewa]

4 minutes ago, Frustration said:

 

@Usseewa You said you're making plans.

Do you have one you keep coming back to?

You mean plans for.. ending it?

Idk, I guess.

More like.. two. I thought of some new ones earlier, though.

Spoiler

Either jumping (on campus)... but that would be kinda public...

or using my knife.

i kinda feel closer and closer to doing something bad with my knife, like bad cuts or stabbing myself. I already cut myself if you didn't know. 

i thought of walking into traffic or smth too. Might be easier tbh, than some others.

But at least for tonight I'm probably fine except.... the knife

but

I'll probably be too scared so yeah ...

uhm

 

i did think of some more details like notes or something. i imagines myself bleeding out in a bathroom stall...

 

[Verdance he/him]

Is it morally wrong for me to guilt someone put of committing suicide

Hypothetically 

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 minute ago, Verdance said:

Is it morally wrong for me to guilt someone put of committing suicide

Hypothetically 

And just make them feel worse about living?

[Frustration]

2 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

You mean plans for.. ending it?

Idk, I guess.

More like.. two. I thought of some new ones earlier, though.

  Reveal hidden contents

Either jumping (on campus)... but that would be kinda public...

or using my knife.

i kinda feel closer and closer to doing something bad with my knife, like bad cuts or stabbing myself. I already cut myself if you didn't know. 

i thought of walking into traffic or smth too. Might be easier tbh, than some others.

But at least for tonight I'm probably fine except.... the knife

but

I'll probably be too scared so yeah ...

uhm

 

i did think of some more details like notes or something. i imagines myself bleeding out in a bathroom stall...

 

@Usseewa I need you to do something for me alright.

Find someone, be they a roommate, a friend, a family member, anyone. And I need you to give them the knife.

[Verdance he/him]

3 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

And just make them feel worse about living?

See this is the debate. I have been growing steadily more accepting of suicide as a morally justified action, even though it’s honestly something they should be avoided at all costs

actually to the point where i cannot use morality as a shield against my own self destructive behavior. The context of using guilt as a shield against suicide would be more along the lines of ‘i would probably kill myself if you did’ than involving making life hell. But then again i also believe in hell and so suicide isn’t really a release from pain in my eyes

i was less likely to consider suicide when i thought i was going to hell, actually. 

Edited May 11 by Verdance