Robinski

I'm excited you're excited! I'm on that. I just need to: - Get TMM Chp 1-3 edited then off to A/R before Friday; - Write an SF short, submit, edit, re-read, edit, and submit to James White Award by 28 June; - Do my reading for the next GSFWC meeting next Tuesday, while also reading the whole novel submitted for the session 3 weeks hence; - Do all my Hugo reading in time to vote before August; - Do my Reading Excuses critiques (obviously!! ) - Oh, and go to work, I still need to do that (damnation it). Seriously though, I can't think you enough for the encouragement. I think I'll sub it to the Glasgow Circle (GSFWC) when my slot comes up on 2nd July, but I might send out out before then. Not really familiar with horror/supernatural markets, so I'll be onto Submission Grinder, but I was thinking of Fireside as one possibility. Ooh, now there's an idea. Arrgghh. The last thing I need is another novel series. I'm desperate to get back to W-a-i-f-s & S-t-r-a-y-s too, and I've got many notes for Q-&-M Book 3. Yeah, I'm just literally going to drop a word or two in, I think, here and there for a little emphasis, maybe. I fear that you can rely on my for this. I guess W-&-S wasn't in that style. I'm not totally beyond redemption. Delighted you liked it, but also interestingly, @Majestic Fox explained to me about writing for the ear. It's not something I think about, but I think it happens sometimes by accident/osmosis. I do think it's important to think about the rhythm of the words, which goes a long way to achieving clarity (I think). You just can't beat reading stuff out loud, which is the next edit stage for me on this story. I'm so pleased this line made a splash; I was concerned it was a bit purple. That was the idea. I wanted to convey a complete loss of control, but I've shied away from the idea, I think, and therefore perhaps not landed it. This is an area I will scrutinise carefully. That's about him feeding. This ties back into the are they / aren't they v'pires discussion. There's something needed there, I'm sure of it, just to understand what it actually happening. Really grateful for your comments, @kais, thank you so much

Hey folks, So, some of you might be fed up to the back teeth having seen this at least two or three times in the last three years, but here is the first chapter of Book 1 of my Space (Light) Opera series featuring your friendly, neighbourhood clothes horse and his potty-mouthed companion. Chapter 1 has had another edit or two since those who know it last saw it, and I'm indebted to @Hobbit for some excellent comments back in October after this got rejected by Angry Robot in January 2018. I've been lazy and left the rest of the first three chapters in there, because this is the file I'll be sending to A/R. Please do not read them, unless you're enthralled of course, I can't stop you after all, but I don't expect anyone to read the whole file (about 10K words). Seriously, don't do it. What I would appreciate eyes on, please, is the synopsis*, which I've included in the weekly word count. Oh, and I've tagged it LLLL, because Moth is a foul-mouthed wee s-h-i-t-e, but I love her anyway . Many thanks for your consideration. Robinski ( * Perhaps after you've read the chapter?)

Woop, woop! Thanks, @Silk

Arrgh. I was hoping to submit tomorrow because I'm subbing to Angry Robot again. Deadline is the end of May. I'm unclear if there are five already for tomorrow? If not, I'd like to submit.

Cool

I do that too sometimes, just read a few pages without an agenda, just to remind myself why I wrote something, especially something that I've 'finished' (got to the end of). And on ML9, for me it's not the characters that are problematic: I thought they came across well enough, it's other aspects of the story where the weaknesses lie.

Yes, agree. Lol, excellent point. I dropped my iPad on the floor yesterday and my wife called upstairs, 'Are your alright?' I did not reply, 'Yes, I'm unhurt.' But it is a word that used Yes, I go back to my comment about the ML9 not having any real weight.

In that case, I believe you. Although if you got your butt kicked... Excellent, I look forward to reading again, because I thought your style was excellent, very smooth and readable, it was always content that tripped me up

Whoo boy, JW... you are going to LOVE it here! Hey, @Alderant, I'm looking forward to you reading some of my stuff. Top quality critiquing, super thorough, I like it Yeah, the italics things just looks like a mistake, whereas the use of 'commas' instantly conveyed on the first use that something was up. I guess because you can't put inverted commas in by 'mistake'. This is true. If anything we are too enthusiastic Yes, I was uncomfortable with this, but @kais expresses the issue way better than I could. She seemed really unlike herself by the end of the chapter. Yup. How long are we talking? If it was a good reveal, and maybe it was in the next chapter... What is conveys to me, if I try and go with it, try to understand it in the context of the story, it seems to me like she's not actually there, like her consciousness is projected or possessing the body and she is speaking remotely (in effect) through the body's mouth. In the second novel in my light SF trilogy, I used italics for the absent party when characters were speaking to someone on the phone for this very reason. The other speaker was in absentia and, if I didn't use italics, it felt too much like they were 'in the room', standing next to the main party. The key difference is that it was completely obvious someone was on the phone. Now, that may be nothing like your reason, but if I had to accept it, that's the sort of thing I would assume. Oh, Option 2, she's using telepathy and her voice is in his head, not spoken out loud? Either way, the lack of understanding in the reader is frustrating. Yeah, the group's superpower is honesty. I think I can say with some confidence that we all have suffered AND benefited from this during our time here. Someone people don't come back, but if you can take it on the chin (as I know I have, fairly hard on certain occasions) your writing will feel the benefit For the record, I did not mind the setting at all, BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE IT!

Hi JW, very interested to read your work for the first time. Straight to the comments: (page 1) - Interesting opening: my curiosity is engaged. - I'm not sure what a flanking cobblestone is, but I know what a path is, so I'll go with that. hang on though, the path is surfaced with grain (I read this to mean wheat or barley or some such). - Because the narrative flows very nicely, and is smooth and easy to read, I'm tending to focus on small line-by-line details. To me, they are strips of dried meat. - I think she'd be dead before she made it back, not by the time, which implies she would die on the doorstep of the Star, exactly. - Confused how to picture the longsword. If it's sheathed then there would be an actual sheathed that covered the entire length of the blade, however the only reference is to a loop, which isn't a sheath. - 'marauders' is a kind of vague term. Are they thieves, raiders from another land, deserters from the local army, local resistance to an invading power? Seems like that word is an opportunity to give us more information about these people who might attack her. Also, no clue what a 'rib' is, so don't know how much to fear it. - What's a 'tine's this context? I mean I know forks have tines, but I don't know what's happen here. - Wait, what? People getting bigger? Like Ant-Man? - Huh, what? She's only got one arm? I'd prefer to know that when she's checking the sword. I think at the first possible opportunity to reveal it. I've got no sense of how far away these people are, other than very far, since there is a horizon. More importantly, I've got know idea of the surrounding terrain, so it's extremely hard to picture what L can see, and therefore to evaluate her actions and reactions. - typo: "of her the shift she wore" - Convince who, the five newcomers? Again, I don't know how far away they are, so I can't evaluate this situation. I need more blocking at the beginning, when the path is being described. (page 2) - What happened? Did the marauders just stand there or did they come forward her? Confused. - If these marauders are wild and animalistic, effectively barbarians, I don't believe that they are just going to stand there while she approaches. I'm trying to understand why they don't charge her. - What is a 'heap of a knife'? I can understand a heap of sawdust, a heap of potatoes, but a knife is a single object. I understand the phrase 'heap of a car', as in a wreck, but I don't understand that phrase in the context of a knife. - Who or whites Sl? I can't read anything into that if I don't know what Sl is. - "Can we kill her, boss?" - Need a comma here, otherwise it means he want's to kill her boss, i.e. immediate superior; the general presumably. - We don't need the internal monologue here. It's obvious. The reader has already clocked this for themselves, so it's unnecessary, imo. - "rhe man" - typo. (page 3) - "She'd heard far worse..." - I don't think the 'b' word even deserves this thought. I've had worse than the yelled at me. - Up to now, the marauders don't seem very maraud-y; they seem very stupid and not scary. The advance of the kid to attack her is the first good bit of tension and conflict, for me. Interested to see how it plays out. - Repetition of 'defeat/defeat(ed) sounds awkward/clumsy. - Eh?! He just turns around and gives up? I'm very confused. Also, he didn't have a weapon, he was going to use his fists? And he must have known the boss would club him, so I struggle to believe that the kid would turn away, and also not try to defend himself against the boss. - Still don't know what a 'rib' is. For all I know it's like a muskrat or a gerbil or something. I can't be afraid of something I've never seen or heard of, in the absence of any description of it. I'm certainly not going to just take the author's word that it's something to strike fear into my heart. - What's 'Ex'? Is it a person? A combat group? A form of sword fighting? Also, have you researched fencing? I have friends who fenced through Uni, I've seen a little up close, but not done any. There isn't quite enough description to truly picture the stance, but the sabre fencing I'm picturing has toes of the back foot pointing right and the toes of the front foot pointing forward towards the opponent. The fact that L's toes are pointing leftward tell us she is left-handed, yes? (page 4) - Right, you've lost me here. I don't mean confusion, I mean engagement. If you were facing five opponents, do you really think they would do you the courtesy of attacking you one at a time? I've never been a marauder, but I'm pretty sure the would never happen in this situation 'in the real world'. - Is Sel mentioned here the same as Slone before, i.e. Slone was a typo? - Loose stone? Where, on the path? It's really just a stone. It being loose doesn't affect the outcome, as far as I can see. - "He laid still" - wrong tense, 'he lay still'. - "searing pain down the back of her thigh" - Hallelujah, I'm pleased some's had the gumption to strike while she's occupied. (page 5) - "forcing him into impaling himself upon his own weapon" - Sounds very unlikely. - Eh? She's only killed twice before? Or is that only with this sword? (page 6) - "look for feel deep" - typo. - "Both his hands were raised..." - 'both' is redundant. - "The two of them stared at each other..." - Again, it has to be two of them to stare at each other: this reads overwritten to me. 'They stared...' would be smoother, I think. - Please tell me the boxer's not going to become her travelling companion. - Why is L's dialogue italicised? (page 7) - My understanding of the term 'marauder' is that they are raiders, but him being called w/lander implies he's local? Still confused about the status of her attackers. - Use of the word 'lead' implies to me she's seeking something specific, not just a way home. I get that 'lead' can be used in that way, but the first thing I think of when I read it is a private detective kind of thing. I don't think of get a lead on a way home. - I'm a bit puzzled be the live or die thought. I take that she's an experienced warrior. She has skills and she reports to a general, but she doesn't know any battlefield first aid? That's hard to believe: that she can't wash out her wound a bind it. More than that, her thoughts are such that it doesn't even sound as if she would try to treat herself, but would just lay down a die. - The italics for her dialogue are really annoying now. (page 8) - "cobblestone road" - Wait. No one builds a cobblestone road into the wilderness. If there's a cobbled road it most go to a town. So, if she was as good as she supposed to be, wouldn't she know that? - "she reassumed her stance" - everything's a stance if you're not moving. I think battle stance would be clearer here. - ...also, I knew he was going to be her companion. This is a heavily used trope: predicable. - Why does the kid want to go with her? It seems really improbable. He's terrified of her. - "And what exactly makes you think I don't want to kill anyone?" - Lol. There are glimpses of her character, and what I've glimpsed, I like. I think maybe some more in these opening pages would be good. (page 9) - I didn't get the impression it was dark, but then L need a lightning flash to see the road ahead? Seems inconsistent. - "whirling plumes of rough, black sand" - What is this, a beach? A sandstorm? Dunes? I don't get it. - If lightning is needed to see the road, it must be dark enough that she can't see a dark smidge on the horizon surely. Also, 'horizon' tells me absolutely nothing, nada, rein about what this place looks like. How far away is the horizon? Are there houses, trees, hills, cattle, pyramids, giraffes? (page 10) - "didn't have the right medicine..." - Seems to me the medic is what is important, not the medicine. I can't shake the feeling that this type of comment displays and underlying lack of knowledge and experience in her. - "If she showed any weakness to this Pisley, she was dead." - This really bothers me, and I feels like author ex machina. P's is a total coward, and she has dominated him already. She has given no reason internally or externally for allowing him along with her. She seems to have no need of his help. If she's concerned, just kill him!! Her position seems really inconsistent to me. -"As the hours passed, the pain in her leg grew worse with every passing step." - Seems to me these statements are doing the same thing, showing the passage of time, but they are contradicting each other. Makes for awkward and confusing. - Wait. They were on a cobbled road, now they're walking on sand? Confused. Also, I don't believe a swordsperson would use their weapon as a crutch. Surely there are trees around, to hack a branch off? But no, she doesn't need to do that. There are four bodies with weapons lying around that she could use as a crutch before using her own sword. I just don't believe she would do: it's not necessary. She could not have walked away from the bodies without a crutch, surely, so it's not like she would only think of that once they'd left the bodies behind. Also, she's resourceful and competent, so I really believe she'd make a makeshift crutch from something else. - Why is speaking in quotes? - I don't feel the wind. There's no description of its effects, blowing dust, whipping leaves or branches, buffeting, clouds scudding, trees bend in the distance. (page 11) - Why is 'screaming' in quotes? (page 12) - The dialogue here is bizarre. Is he seriously suggesting there is someone called 'Feces' (Faeces)? I don't know what to make of this world. And I'm not sure I understand the tone of the story. This conversation is like something from a Seth Rogan film. - Confused again. Are Slo and Sel different people then? Their names are confusingly similar, especially given that we haven't met either of them. - "Millions? How many is that?" - Lol. Good line. This is a nice, subtle detail that underlines P's character. I like that, and yet there is some much that seems inconsistent or unexplained. It's a bit frustrating. - "someone of his...lacking upbringing" - grammar. I'd say 'with his lack of upbringing' is closer. (page13) - No. There's no way he can do multiplication given the level of intellect you've illustrated so far. Don't believe it. - What is 'gellegmite'? - "that he knuckles" - typo. - "A wave of nausea suddenly punched her in the gut" - Using 'suddenly' actually makes this seem less sudden, because the reader has to read that extra word before getting to the thing. Overall Good character voice, although it could be punched up a little more in places, I thought. Very easy style to read, but some of the logic seemed off to me (as commented upon above). Also, an almost complete lack of description of the surroundings makes the story feel very small, centred on the characters. I never felt like I was in a 'real' place. The little description there was seemed mostly visual, although pain was touch of course. There is such a rich tapestry of sensation-based description available. The story feel kind of grey for that lack of description. All in all, the dearth of incoming data from the world makes the events feel almost muffled. The fighting, meh. I find combat quite boring most of the time. I liked that your combat was pretty direct and to the point, not dragged out, however for me it was let down by the baddies acting like idiots, as baddies always seem to do, but not just rushing her. It happens in films and many stories because in reality, three or so baddies could subdue most human opponents. They never felt like any kind of threat. My ultimate take-away is frustration. I like the situation, and the characters and their relationship has good potential, but there was too much that put me off the story in the form of inconsistent or illogical behaviour; lack of setting; etc, (per notes above). Thank you for sharing. I'm very interested now to go read the thread and see what the others have made of it <R>

This exactly. I'm wondering what it all was for. Me too. As usual I was rather grumpy in how I put that across, apologies again. Titles: - The Shattered Throne; - Broken Palace; - Killing For My Sister; - Attack of the Killer Bots! (hmm, maybe not...); - The Enemy Within (been used several times before, but could allude to the palace bots turning on them (per my earlier suggestion), but turn out to mean the aunt); or - Family At War (could allude to the sister, then transpire to mean the aunt)

Ack, okay I'm going into this not having finished the last submission, but here goes. I've read the summary notes, of course. (Page 1) - Recap: okay, I think I've got it. - "a smoking gear" - like a cog wheel kind of gear? - Dialogue's a bit clunky here. (Page 2) - Why is 'heart' in quotes? Why would Reem say it like that, instead of just straight? - The getting the people to safety thing is rather abstract. Do we ever see the people? Why/how are we invested in getting them to safety? - "The pieces of thetheirsuit hissed as they came apart" - make it personal to En, that way it's more involving, I think. - "They chockedon their first breath" - choked. (Page 3) - Whoa, fairly substantial disconnect. Seems like it would be quite a long way from the throne room to sleeping quarters? - Where did the blaster come from? The implication previously, I thought, was that they were only taking the knife. - Lots of typos, not noting them individually. - Had we seen En's mother in the story before? I don't think we had, just the aunt. That seems odd, and doesn't help me invest here in the death of a character that would be really important to En, but who I haven't seen in the story (I don't think), unless you've revised that since the first submission, or I've forgotten. (Page 4) - Decent description of En's pain at mom's death, the breathing stuff. - Same again. Had we seen father before? I don't remember so, in which case this death is kind of abstract. I don't really feel it. - "giving into grief" - 'giving in to grief'. The action is really giving in, so in to needs to be two words. - "their parent’sback" - OMG, FFS, no apostrophe, it's a plural. (Page 6) - Too many sentences starting 'En did this...', 'En did that', En jumped up'. (Page 7) - "someone stepped out" - But doesn't she know who it is? This is weird, this late in the story, for it to be a no one, and for her mind to try harder to identify him. - "inhales" - This is NOT a noun. 'Inhalation' is the noun. Have you ever read this in a published novel you've read. Can you imagine and actor saying it on screen. Brad: Oh, Angelina, every one of your inhales sends my into raptures. (Page 8) - Confused: so are the spider bot and the roach bot members of the Nine? They're not given anything like their due as the titular villains of the story. It feels like they are just some random bots wandering around. - "But was it her blood or someone else’s?" - This is the third or fourth time this question has been asked in different circumstances. I think it's being overused. The question has not been answered once and so, by this point, I don't really care. - Confused: En gives no notice to Eld suggestion that Ul is the perpetrator. Why is that? Why would they not acknowledge the suggestion, even if they don't believe it? - Wait, now En just flips to believing it's Ul, with no internal consideration, no struggle to decide who's right and who's lying? I find it hard to follow, and I'm not given any thoughts to help me invest in what's happening here. (Page 9) - "hadn’t even managed to hit the person she was trying to defend herself from" - It's not clear whether this is a reference back to the time that En saved Ul's life by killing her attacker, but I think that's what is being referenced to? - Now we do get some internal monologue, but its flipped back to En thinking that it's Eld who is the baddy. The problem is that each time En flips on who the baddy is, their thoughts are phrased like they totally believe it's that person, then they totally believe it's the other person. There's never any doubt, any questioning, which is what there should be to make this situation convincing. - Now I'm totally confused. Does En have their gun on both Eld and Ul? (Page 10) - Confused again. the spider-bot's been blown up before? But not in this story, right? - "Make your sister do it, and I’ll happily go meet the Goddess" - This doesn't make sense. Why would she happily go? How does shutting off the Nine fulfil Eld's aims? Don't understand. (Page 11) - Eld is an old woman, but she's blocking and kicking and grappling and holding her own with a youngster? I don't buy it. Then she's been kicked in the ribs. That's going to lay her out for minutes, maybe even break a rib. There's no way she just jumps up and starts grasping. Not believable. - "You wouldn’t know" - Of course Ul wouldn't know, she didn't kill them. This is a kind of nothing comment. - "sunk to her knees" - tense sounds wrong. I know it's a US thing, but any readers from any other country in the world will think this is a mistake. If you say 'sank', that is universally understood. (Page 12) - I like the punching, 'stunning' and shooting. - You don't put fingers 'in' someone's neck to check the pulse. On or against. - What? That's the end? It's so... unsubstantial. Overall The typos make it really quite difficult to focus on the story. There are so many. I know it's been a number of weeks since I read the first section, in which the sisters' relationship is set up, but I'm just not sure I care that much about either of them to be bothered all the much about the outcome. It still feels insubstantial to me. The Nine are almost completely irrelevant, which is really disappointing. They are the title of the story, but they are completely irrelevant to it. They have no identity, they are not fearsome. It could have been some random bots of unknown original. It could have been the palace bots turning inexplicably rogue: in fact that would be more interesting, I think. The ending is terribly brief, like an after though. It has no weight. There are elements of the m/c's character that are interesting, but they're not given any development, so I don't really care. En is really quite blank as a character. I don't feel that En is invested in anything, really believes in anything, so why should I. Really, I much preferred your work on Intertidal which has real depth and strength of character, or Oomph which again gives us an m/c we can believe in, and wild, spacey antics that are fun. In Life Minus Me, I believed the character's despair, their stress. This, there's just nothing for me to care about, it's kind of mis-sold by the title, and the ending is very cursory. I know it's harsh, but there's no point in me pulling punches. I really don't think this is a short. I think it's a novel or novella, where you can spend the time to develop the character's feelings, conflicts and give the Nine some personality, make me fear them, or it goes in the trunk. Sorry, I just don't think it's missing the skill and heart and feeling that you've brought to other works of yours that I've read.

I totally thought that was what he was going to do, when he was judging the distance. I don't remember this, either. I realized I hadn't set this up. I've included a bit about him studying portals in the first few chapters. Now then, he's in the House of Pot, isn't he? I remember this from the short story he was in. Isn't the HoP good with portals?

I am about to enjoy my weekly instalment of the Nethery goodness (Page 1) - "has also had" - awkward wording. - "Ask any m a j u s" - ? Think this should be singular, as the line goes on to say receive a different answer (singular). - 'interact' with other houses? - "to untie other changes" - I think this means something different from "untie other houses' changes", which I think is what is meant. - "next section over" - Lol. Sounds like the house next door. - "Bunch of weirdos" - Ah, good old xenophobic R... I nothing else, it's good to have a viewpoint that is not noble (that's the best term I can think of), which all the others are. It varies the tone of the POVs - Hilarious description: flagpole, lol. - Is the Sa's a "healthy" appreciation? I sometimes forget that it's only the LC that believe in the ideal form. Is that right? Not the regular Sa? - "first opportunity he has" - The double 'h' bothered me. I feel like 'he gets' lands better. - "Made a guy not want to put in the effort" - R's already put in the effort. Rather than this phrasing, I think maybe 'Made a guy regret putting in the effort'? - "Could this be sommat other manifestation" - Sorry, I'm going to hit R's parlance again. 'Sommat' is a word using in UK numerous local dialects, and it means 'something', not 'some'. For that reason, me and all your UK readers will think this is a typo. So, he might say 'This was sommat else.' for example. - "busybodies that they were" - I am this close to skipping R's POV. He's an arse. I dislike him twice as much now. He's an ungrateful sod, and I want bad things to happen to him, sooner the better - Ah heck, and then you go and do this "like the last stump...". That's a great simile right there. (Page 2) - The dialogue that follows "Nak..." is really very tell-y. Sounds like a thespian giving it full throttle. 'Colonel Mustard! What are you doing here, I thought you were with Miss Scarlet in the library!!' - "blue and dark purple" - I forget what this means. Also, I'm in the garden, so I can't check my shelves. Does Seeds have a glossary of terms in it, with the colours of the houses? I feel that it does. If not, Facets definitely needs one!! #whatdowewantaglossarywhendowewantitnow - "almost as quickly" twice in two lines. - "flowed into the two" - The two what? - Confused. K's dialogue implied he was in on the LC plot, now he's attacking the attacker? (Page 3) - I was confused by what R was doing. I wasn't clear immediately if he was helping Na or hindering. - "grabbing on to the cold slippery steel" - I was going to say it should be 'onto' (I think), then I realise you don't need it either way. - "assisted by the energy stolen from N" - "In the few instants that had passed" - I takes several instants to read this: I would consider cutting, it's not doing anythinfg. - "was moving even faster than he was" - But N isn't moving at all, is he? I thought he was scrabbling against the shield, which must be stationary in front of Ori, isn't it? Yes. You say N had fallen over, so clearly not moving faster than R. Very self-contradictory this piece of action. (Page 4) - "his face the most surprised R had ever seen on the caretaker" - grammar is off here. It's saying this is the most surprised face he'd ever seen the caretaker wearing, like the face is a hat. It's just off. - ", and R made another grab for" - Run-on sentence. - "his robe flowing out in a spiral around his boots" - If the robe is flowing out, I don't understand how it's still around his boots. - ", and though the L was" - I think this is another run-on. (Page 5) - "The last opponent..." - This depersonalises the action. Would be better if it was 'N's last opponent', or 'his last opponent', to keep is right at the front of the action. - "He had a good judge of the distance needed between opening another portal" - Confusing grammar. I can't understand. - "was too far away to catch" - Again, the phrasing is rather remote and distancing. It's not direct, forceful. Compare to 'R couldn't catch N now, and could only look on...' I think it's because the verb is placed 'too far' (in my assessment) into the sentence, making the action more remote (literally). - "skidded his boots as he got nearer" - For me, you don't skid your own boots, maybe you go into a skid, or you skid, without the extra step of considering how you're doing to do it. (Right, I have to skid my boots now.) It sounds odd. - "strengthening it beyond his ability to jump" - That is excellent. Go Car! (Page 6) - Not keen on the description of the leap. One instant he's summersaulting (surely unnecessary), then he's sliding. I can't picture it. - 'Time sped back up to normal as R took his notes back from the music holding the extra energy to him" - Awkward and wordy sentence. - "R silently counted" - In a sentence with only three words, I think it might be harder to split the infinitive than to avoid it! I need to test this theory: [R counted silently; Silently counted R; Silently, R counted; Counted R silently?; Counted silently, R?]. Yes, there are two split infinitives and four non-split version. Sorry, that was slightly aimless. I think it sounds way better un-split in such a short sentence, that's all. - I'm confused by the portal logic. How were the portals linked together? (Page 7) - But, reading on, I like how R pieces together information towards making his own portal. (Page 8) - Ril taking control, snapping orders, is excellent. (Page 9) - "R told the majus" - he's not telling Ori, he's asking him, or demanding of him. (Page 10) - handle 'on' the mess - no? - "I won’t leave the Effature to potentially die" - The word 'potentially' here absolutely ruins the flow of what should be a powerful statement. Why is it there at all? Strongly recommend deleting. In fact, drop the whole rest of the sentence, it's just padding, Til babbling, which I don't expect her to do. - In fact, Ril goes on tell-y and exposition-y here at the end. It's washing away the impact of the 'leaving him to die' line. - Ending: hmm, unsure. I feel like he's not really acknowledging the assault part of the equation. How will he get answer if the assembly just burst through a portal and attacks the LC? Overall After you got me all riled up with R's nasty attitudes, not a moment too soon you subverted that by throwing the attack at 'us'. That was well done, because I was very narked with R and this deflected my anger onto another. The attack itself was exciting, frustrating in a good way. They got so close to laying a glove on Na, and yet they didn't. It also made Na look really competent, which was well done. Re becomes active and resourceful, well done again: that makes him more appealing, certainly suitable to follow for this chapter, before he gets time to think xenophobic thoughts again. Na's attack is excellent tension, and then the Off being wounded very tense again. Nicely done to show (potential) loss, a defeat, but getting the vital information from it, making it a costly victory too. I thought this was an excellent chapter. You almost lost me in the first coupe of pages, but timed the intervention perfectly. One gripe (other than the details above). The bit where Ril gives orders went on a bit long, I thought. It was almost like we slipped into her POV and out of Re's. Great job here. <R>

Excellent comments. I am conscious of not breaking the pace. I just think maybe I can tighten up this aspect with just a few well chosen words here and there. Also, I feel like if I know better in my head what's happening, I can tweak without putting that back-knowledge(?) on the page. Thank you for the counterbalancing comment thought, very valuable!!

Yeah, this bit is muddled. In JB's Dresden books, which I trust in such matters, Susan Rodriquez's conversion is not complete until she drinks blood, although as you say, that doesn't mean drinking vamps blood, and indeed in some version vamps don't have blood themselves anymore, I think. The caffeine is supposed to aid feeding by increasing the object's blood pressure. The daylight thing... I think you've hit on another weakness certainly, which is that the vamp side of things is not very rigorous. I will go back to change this. Maybe I will have a new type of vampire. Or maybe they're not vamps at all, but something else more closely linked to caffeine, or maybe they are just common-or-garden cannibals. Lots to think about, but this will make the story better, I think.

What do you think from looking at the latest posts?

Hey Helge, it really is great to have you back. Delighted to have your comments on this. Good start. I am pleased. Yes, I can understand that. I really don't want to through supernatural in too early, as I'm looking for that shock moment, BUT, I appreciate that the reader needs to know what kind of story they are in. I'm going to challenge myself to find a way to engineer a solution to this. Thank you. Okay. Good point. I really didn't want to use the word 'vampire', but there are ways to give a better clue, and basically show the reader, without using the word. Again, I'll try and clarify this. I totally accept that M's revealing here is rather nebulous and unclear. He doesn't feel the need to spell it out, clearly, but that doesn't necessarily help the reader. This is a good point, because clearly a vamp would either not care about the blackmail, or would kill her or something. There is a bit where M congratulates Cl for being 'clever' and getting herself back in, earning her place when she didn't before. I can still make that work, but I'll aim to make it much clearer how she's earned that place. Ah, yes, I've seen Limitless. Interesting comparison. Thanks again, @molah. Very helpful comments.

Hi @hawkedup, thank you very much for reading. Straight to the comments. This is a good point, I like it. I don't think it needs a lot, but I can see that something subtle in that first page would help to reinforce where the story ends up. Fair comment. Obvs there isn't much room in something this short for a third character to play much of a role at all, without probably adding 50% to the size of the piece. I feel that would be a big decision, and might break the story. I will ponder this some more. True. There are some bits in there that are important to the story, I think (the weight of bills, which is a strong motivation for Cla). I'll dwell on this some. Certainly she's supposed to be anxious and wound-up. I would accept the bit about clarity of the moment she decides to act. That is something I will aim to address. Awesome. I'm glad you liked that, and the texts as you mention earlier Okay, I'll re-examine that. It does, and thanks for noting this. I've got reasonable confidence in my technicals skills, it's the storytelling / plotting I'm usually most focused on improving (and usually it needs it). Okay, I can look at this again. It very much was the endpoint I always had in mind, so it it's rushed I will seek to give it a bit more room to breath. This is most helpful, and it's something I've overlooked when writing. I will have a good go at rectifying this. I think this is important and entirely fixable. I do! At home and at work, but I take your point. I'll consider chaining him to something else, as it's a reasonable shout that there would not be a radiator in this situation. I really appreciate your comments. Thank you kindly.

Thanks, @mandamon, very much for reading, and I'm so glad that the fixes have fixed the bits that needed it, and that I didn't break anything!! Yes, I'm going to submit the heck out of this. Very excited

Heh, so sorry about this. I had intended to submit something else, but that has not worked out at all well so far. I've stalled at 1,300 words and it's just not working. So, I hope you don't mind, but I've submitted an updated version of Il Rosso E Il Nero and crave your indulgence to have another read through (those who have read it already). It's 500 words longer, and I hope that you will find the issues from last time tidied up and stronger in those areas identified. For those who haven't, I hope you enjoy. Do be aware of the content warnings, please. Here is the spiel from last time: "I put on S for sexual content because it felt wrong not to. D is for implied drug use. SV of for sexual violence although again, it's maybe more coercion, or something like that. BF is for bodily functions, and L is for choice language. Obviously, I'm hoping to sell it to the D1sney Channel. As ever, your forbearance and comments would be greatly appreciated. If you decide it's too much, please feel free to stop reading and castigate me soundly on this thread."

I'm sorry, I've done it again, waded in a not stressed enough the things that I enjoyed about the story. The two main characters are enjoyable, I like the tone and I like the pacing. I like the colourful almost OTT setting, although I think the tone maybe is a little off in places, but that doesn't affect my enjoyment of the feel of the place, the characters. The trouble comes from the elements that aren't established, which you've got feedback on already! I think the ML9 is a great idea and I crave for them to be so much better defined that I can buy into them with fear, awe, trepidation, etc., so that when you drop the name it resonates and makes me fear for all those people. I would read an upgraded version of the story, I really would. No hesitation. <R>

Thank you @kais and @Mandamon, great comments as always, thank you. Headlines: more relationship (agree); temper the action (can do); develop the ending (agree). I'll come back to your very helpful detailed comments shortly

Yeah, totally WRS. Hmm... all well and good, but I felt like there was a mechanism at work there that I had no knowledge of, and that was difference from all the other mechanisms in a story where all of the mechanisms are very well defined. Cool. I think the space between Book 1 and Book 2 must be really fertile ground for their relationship to have moved on, and us seeing that in the early chapters can only drive investment in that three-way (oh, stop sniggering you at the back) relationship between S, In and En.