Robinski

Chapter 6 - (pg.1) - I find the epigraph unlikely. There must be thousands of documents that make no mention of the Ar. They are only one species of what was it 6 or 7 at the time? Thinking of today's political landscape. There must be documents at the UN, for example, that make no mention of North Korea (for example), or Israel (for example). - (pg.1) - "R let his eyes roam the Assembly" - I do this too, but I'm trying to change it. This is very passive phrasing. Surely the really is that R is scanning the assembly quite deliberately, even if the conscious reason is not at the front of his mind. - (pg.1) - "bargained directly with the members" - This rather beggars belief. is there no structure to the debate? People are just free to wonder around and bargain with whoever they like?! It sounds like complete chaos, and they are surely not presenting anyone buy themselves, so any proposals made have no weight at all. I'm really confused by whites going on here. - (pg.1) - "No one told whether they could..." - Something missing here 'told them' but I also don't understand the context: what plan? - (pg.2) - "Yer'll be great" - I mentioned this form before, I think. Ugh. In my head 'yer' is used in our world as a replacement for 'your' in rough speech, hence why this doesn't make sense to me. - (pg.2) - "There had to be other signs they were working behind the scenes" - This seems rather roundabout to me. I read this line as 'Surely that had been working behind the scenes.' So, why would he be interested in signs of this, and not just the fact itself? 'signs' seems unnecessary. - (pg.3) - "to bargain in some way" - Now I'm confused between the previous attack and this new approach. Is he saying they wanted to bargain originally? I can't believe he's that naive. Why bring an 'unstoppable' drain if you want to bargain? - (pg.3) - "scoundrels" doesn't seem to fit R's worldview. He's sympathetic tornados them at the moment. - (pg.3) - "followed him to the chamber" - I find it very hard to believe that a lowly apprentice is allowed to attend such delicate negotiations. Are there other apprentices there? Feels a bit author ex machina. - (pg.3) - "the hanging curtains" - Seems redundant: I've ever encountered a curtain that didn't. - (pg.3) - "The other Assembly representatives weren't here yet" - No, I don't believe this. What are all the rest doing? Gone to the WC? This is momentous and none of the rest of them are standing waiting to go. It feels like a very blatant engineering of a situation where they can talk to the LC without others present. I don't believe it. It would be more believable that the Sa mentor was chosen as sole negotiator because of their shared species, although that's also pretty unbelievable. Another option would be that the LC demand to speak to R's mentor alone first for some reason. I feel that's no less contrived than they rest of the reps being off tying their shoelaces or looking out fo the window. - (pg.3) - "The other representatives, they have not arrived yet" - Surely this is blindingly obvious and doesn't need to be stated. Or, if it's just something to say to fill the time, surely they would say "As you can see, the other reps (etc.)" - (pg.4) - 'noncommittally' - One word. - (pg.5) - At the start of this page, there are a lot of different Sas names thrown around (at least three) and I can't keep track of them. - (pg.5) - "sales pitch" - This does not sound right to me coming from the maj's mouth. It's practically human slang. - (pg.5) - "mentor hadn't heard of him" - But the mentor said he was an old granny's tale, so this statement is incorrect. - (pg.6) - Top of the page, one Sas stops another speaking. The snakes have no personality and no difference in physical appearance. In reading this section, I have no interest in them as characters, and I'm confused and not enthralled by what they are saying. There's no tension, no mystery and seemingly nothing at stake in this discussion because none of the other speakers are here. And it's ridiculous that the Assembly has no oversight of this at all. It's been a good ten minutes and no one has arrived, no guards, no officials, no speakers/councillors. I'm about ready to skip past the rest of this section. - (pg.6) - "They had more than one A" - That was implied before. This is not news to me. - (pg.6) - "Your apprentice, he knows the one called I?" - AHHH. Right. I think this this needs to come way up near the front of this unsupervised encounter, that would hold my interest. I feel that all the rest is padding it out to get to this bit. 'Kill your darlings', etc. If you'll forgive me, I'm going to make a suggestion If you had a ticking clock, whereby these two had sneaked into the room and were expecting the arrival of the Councillors any moment and looking over their shoulders, etc. there would be much more tension. Also, it would give a sound pretext to slash out most of the pussyfooting around on stuff like old nursery rhymes which is killing any tension. Then R, blurting in would be using valuable time. There's no sense of urgency. I feel it's like a chat over a cuppa at the moment. - (pg.7) - Yeah, this is where all the tension and conflict are, in these last two/three pages of R's section. What comes before, for me, was unbelievable (because of the set up) and didn't feel relevant to the story. I read right through a page and a half after R brings up I. - (pg.8) - "The sister for the brother" - Huh? This makes not sense to me. E is no less docile than I, in my estimation. Also, I do NOT believe this of R. He's been misguided and confused up to now, sure (disaffected is a better word), but I'm not invested in this change of behaviour. I don't have any evidence (that I can recall) of such a strong bond between him and I, and now he's going to sell out I's sister and I's close friend?! How will I feel about that? It's totally counterintuitive. - (pg.8) - "Anything to get I back" - I just don't believe this of R. I don't think there's sufficient inciting trauma to basically change his personality (as I see it), and I'm rather afraid it's going to be the major conflict going forward. Now I'm worried about my investment in the rest of the story. - (pg.9) - The next section starts with Maj A speaking, but E think of 'the Kir', then Maj C speaks. Should Or have the first line too? - (pg.9) - "E felt herself feeling slipping away" - Typo. - (pg.10) - trouble.” he ran..." - Typo 'He'. - (pg.10) - I do like O's outspoken viewpoint. Excellent. - (pg.10) - "swiped a hand through the air" - I can't picture the gesture. Sounds like she\s trying to hit him. - (pg.10) - "agreeing the councilmembers can be" - Two words. This is not a word. - (pg.10) - When you describe R as 'E's mentor' it does not sound in E's POV. She would narrate as 'her mentor' surely? - (pg.10) - "R, what's wrong?" - Ooooh, suddenly very interested. "as soon as the S pushed..." - I think this phrasing loses the momentum and immediacy. It's not a phrasing I've ever seen. - (pg.11) - I love this burst of action, and the description of the S being used as offensive magic. Excellent. Would be great to see some more maj combat down the line. - (pg.11) - "Yer didn't tell me yer are Aridori!" - Resubmit my comment about using 'yea' or 'yee' instead of 'yer' where it is used as the object. 'yer are' is super awkward. - (pg.12) - "Because yer’re an..." - I know I'm harping on at this, but I know I'm not unique in a reading sense. I can imagine a statistically equivalent number of readers tripping over this every time it comes up in one of these strange, 'unpronounceable' contracted forms. 'Yerrer' is the closest I can get. I look forward to hearing the audio book - (pg.12) - "on account o' he's a S too" - Ah, see this was not clear before. (See earlier comments). - (pg.12) - "his eyes roved to(?) something far away" - Missing word? Or is it 'somewhere far away'? - (pg.13) - "our objectives align" - This seems very cold and distant, dispassionate to come from R. Sounds more like O to me. I think this is underlined by the last line on the page, where Maj A says no chance but Maj C is thinking about the exchange. - (pg.14) - I confess I don't remember R losing another apprentice to the LC. Puzzled. - (pg.14) - I'm enjoying this interaction with the Sur, and having shared goals and then E giving him something to go back to the LC with. - (pg.15) - "smug grin" - Again, I cannot imagine this of R, either the grinning in this situation or the smugness. Overall I can see why R's section was there at the start, and I believe it can work, but I had quite a few issues with it, mostly the logic / rationale / likelihood of the events in the way they were presented. I think that first bit needs work. The second POV worked much better, I think. usual details, but I'm left feeling tension, feeling progress and looking forward to the next chapter, Still, various ways this could have come over better, I think. <R>

I strenuously approve

Well, this is a momentous occasion, reading a story from @Majestic Fox that is not The Green Ocean! I am looking forward to this immensely* Page 1 - I'm not going to go line-by-line. Having said that, not keen on "jostling" as something laces do in the wind. I always think of jostling as something done by animate objection deliberately, under their own power. - There's a difference between "Small wonder..." and "It was a small wonder..." - The former is one of those 'reverse' phrasings, i.e. actually means it was not surprising that she was able to follow him: it was a small wonder, not a large wonder. I didn't think that was the sense you were after, since you point out the valley was dangerous. So, really, it's a large wonder she managed to follow him. Page 2 - "little flames had become even less" - Tense. I thought this sounded out of step with the rest, compared to 'became', because her watching him is happening now. - "You can die of cold" - He said this already, a close variation of it, on Page 1. - I like the exchange around the setting and maintaining of the fire. Light touch, but effective, I thought. - "Want me to turn around?" - Slightly odd that he felt the need to ask this, I think. Page 3 - "clenched his stomach" - Would he consciously do this, or would it not rather happen unbidden? - "Well if you couldn’t afford to pay" - Confused. I don't understand the context of the statement. What did she pay for? Why would she? I feel like some fact, some strand of plot or setting is missing. Page 4 - "They’re gone..." - I like how there's an ambivalent tone to this part, almost like he's confessing to something. But when he says this, with some certainty, he then produces another possible outcome, so I'm actually none the wiser whether they've gone or not. - "a knat" - gnat. - "the R City" - Part of the name, therefore gets CAPS. Like Manchester City, for example. Page 5 - I like how you end the section with questions, which draws me in, or reminds me why I'm already being drawn along. Something is up! - I'm immediately skeptical about two POVs in such a short story, but the girl's has a lovely evocative opening, nice imagery and seductive prose, I thought. I like the idea. I'll admit I wondered if she wasn't wearing another form, but I was by no means certain. - "small, white cylinders" - I don't quite follow. Is this a rolled up piece of paper? Page 6 - "hep his mother" - typo. - "trying to help her children" - This feels like completely new information. I'd rather have known that before now, and been able to pick it out myself, to recognise it. - "brood hall’s fountain" - I don't think we've seen any of these words used in the story so far. I don't know she''s got a brood, or that there's a hall, or that there's a fountain in it. So, when you put them all together like this, it takes me three or four reads to make sense of it. - "They had shown none to hers" - I feel like there's a lot of new information around here. It makes it hard to accept things. - "weighed the value" - I don't buy that there is any computation to be done. I don't see that there is any balance that would deflect her from the necessary path. One less thief in the world. Do it. Page 7 - Pretty sure shapeshifter is one word. Yep, no red squiggles. - "around the moist air in the creature’s throat" - I don't buy this. That air must be recirculating numerous times. By the time he thinks about casting, the original air is long gone. - "two pieces of clay into two" - This is an excellent image. Very effective description of how difficult particular skill is. - "He released his grasp..." - That air is long gone but now, must be halfway across the room and out the door. - "expelled from the college" - This is a nice call-back to the first mention of the college. Page 8 - I do like the standoff between the two. - "one boy and his mother could not hold weight" - For me, this was an obvious conclusion, snd a I struggle to accept that it took her so long to come to it. - "spider silk in moonlight" - I can't remember what it was that smelt like this before. Overall I'm a bit confused at the end. What was the significance of the blood? That's not what she was looking for, was it? I didn't really get that. She goes off in search of more prey, so the blood clearly is no good in helping her out, so him leaving ends up looking kind of pointless. There were good notes in the story, and I found it very smooth to read in general. I just think that the story/plot is not yet quite strong enough to carry the words and the characters, and some of the scenes. it's all about developing and strengthening of course, and I believe there is a good story to be had here Another point, I didn't really feel anything very strong or compelling for either of the characters. One was a thief, and one was largely incompetent at her mission I enjoyed the read, but I think there are some issues that I think need to be addressed. Thanks for sharing!! (* - I love TGO, I do, but I just mean it's nice to see something else!)

Excellent. I'll get my score cards ready.

Yes, yes, yes I think this is a USA vs. UK think. We do say 'woodworked' here as a colloquialism. Why doesn't this surprise me... <grumble, moan, gripe>

Good grief!! The prodigal returns!!! Looking forward to reading your story, Fox.

I do remember the scene from Journey - so I'm not completely useless, memory-wise! It does feel like a (completely) separate arc, and so I can live with that. Any more frequent, and I think it might take over in my head as a more prominent arc.

Pah, it's only been 5 weeks(?). Bring it on.

Ta-da! #iagreewithshatteredsmooth And @shatteredsmooth has diagnosed why I was dissatisfied with S's section, at the beginning. Agreed. I am slightly concerned how long I might have to wait to see the conclusion of that trip. Feels a tad severe to cut it in the middle. I hope the next part is not, like, two chapters away or something.

Chapter 5 Ooh, what a great chapter title. I’m excited straight away. - (pg.1) – I think you could drop ‘…of beings.’ because that phrasing is quite easy to interpret two ways, whereas dropping those two words, it’s perfectly clear it’s one’s own memory you’re referring to. - (pg.1) – I’ve forgotten who J is, if I even knew. WRS, of course. - (pg.2) – “may still be some of that ancient race still in existence” – Repetition. - (pg.2) – “proof for” – I would have said ‘proof of’, but potato, potato. - (pg.2) – “E shivered at the memory” – I didn’t remember Z from Seeds. Did you highlight they were recurring in the last chapter? I forget. - (pg.3) – “hiding a small metal box between them”- How did they get into the hall? And how did they get a potential bomb in? - (pg.3) – “if it were him” – I wasn’t feeling the case was big enough to contain a body. “With no shape?” – I was not thinking in those terms. - (pg.3) – “She’d been hiding for such a long time” – Great couple of lines there. - (pg.4) – “fifty thousand beings inhaled” – Huh? I think this has tripped me up before. I know the Ef can damp or otherwise control the ability of people to be heard, but there a moment where everyone was speaking and shouting and I was imagining maybe a couple of hundred. If that damping tech was not used continually there would be the kind of continuous roar that comes at football (soccer) matches. I just never seem to get that impression of scale. I also tend to confuse the Council and Assembly. - (pg.5) – I like to see E using her ability, the narrowing down of the music, picking out themes at a more targeted level, I found that very effective. - (pg.5) – “decided she didn't want to know” – Then why did she look in close in the first place? - (pg.5) – “did not allow changing form” – This feels like new information. Did I know this from Seeds? - (pg.5) – “but any trick was impossible” – I feel like on its own this line is incomplete. I feel like it means ‘any trick is impossible until you see it.’ but it doesn’t say that, and I think that interpretation is too big a leap from what’s on the page. - (pg.5) – “It rested on the… floor” – Not sure what’s happening. Is it standing up? But if it has no legs it won’t be, I suppose. Can’t really picture what’s in front of me. - (pg.6) – “device underneath” – Underneath the collar? Not sure what’s being described. - (pg.6) – “no sign of genitalia” – Slightly curious she thinks to look for this so soon in the revelation. I know she has a very analytical mind, so I can accept it. It just kind of struck me odd that it was one of the first features she looked for. - (pg.6) – “was less than that” – I like how well you convey the internal bias / sensitivity / inferiority E feels about her own heritage and true nature. It’s very effective. - (pg.6) – “A larger problem? More than… More than…” – I like the dramatic construction of repeating the phrase, but why change it to ‘more’? I think it would have way more impact if you repeat ‘larger’ twice. - (pg.7) – “What they sent to attack the Assembly”- I just don’t remember this from Seeds, but it does occur to me that I haven’t actually read the final version of Seeds, and I have a terrible memory for this stuff, even if it was in the last draft I read. - (pg.7) – ‘lizard’, ‘cat’, ‘dragon’ – But it was bipedal, wasn’t it? - (pg.8) – “He had talked to E long into that night” – This feels important, but we don’t see it? Also, would it not be more ‘He and E talked…’? I presume he was not the only one talking. - (pg.8) – “had hidden completely” – Is there a way to not hide completely? - (pg.8) – “This hallway’s walls dripped with paintings” – Grammar. Also, I really don’t see a wall ‘dripping’ with paintings, them being solid and all. If nothing else it tends to imply the paintings aren’t dry. - (pg.8) – “difference in the” – Not between? Also, “species' favored methods of art” – I struggle a good deal with this. For one things, it’s far too general a comment. No single species creatures art in only one medium. It’s like saying he can tell the different between one species’ movies and another. There are so many different styles and genres, etc. Personally, I would suggest ‘modes’ of art, maybe, or ‘expressions’, ‘approaches’. This is like saying methods of sport. I just don’t think it makes sense. - (pg.8) – “which seemed far too tiny to hold…” – I feel like the opening to this section is repeating many of the same thoughts that E had, with the result that it feels repetitive. - (pg.9) – “wicked-looking scythed blade” – Pretty sure (okay, positive) this needs a hyphen. - (pg.9) – “had entered intense” – into. - (pg.9) – “The A had rattled” – this is kind of vague for me. What about it, or why had it rattled them? The reader knows the answer, but it’s an opportunity for drama / tension / colour. - (pg.9) – “E had been scarce” – Slightly odd phrasing, I though, compared to ‘absent’. - (pg.9) – “woodworked as a hobby” – Kind of awkward, I thought. ‘worked wood as a hobby’ sounds smoother to me. - (pg.9) – S’s behaviour is all over the place. I can see him looking at the carpet, because of how awkward he is, but analysing the pattern? - (pg.10) – “He was stillwearing the sameclothes” – This felt repetitive to me, like one of them is redundant. - (pg.10) – “The E’slips lifted” – typo. - (pg.11) – “That was better done that many others” – ‘than’. Also, really? This felt condescending to me, and yet also unlikely. It’s not a difficult name, also, it seems to me there’s no logic for S to be any more comfortable in this situation than a speaker would be. - (pg.11) – “are coming to ahead” - (pg.11) – “fingers. “Your” - CAPS - (pg.12) – Repetition of ‘as if’ in the first paragraph stood out of me. - (pg.12) – “advertisements” – lol. - (pg.12) – “should have paid more attention then” – Oh, so he was Ef in Seeds? I don’t remember him, but that’s not exactly unusual for me. - (pg.12) – “He wants to talk about the chime?” – This piece of internal monologue seems redundant. - (pg.13) – “barely more than two months ago?” – But the chimes only just started, didn’t they, so why couldn’t S know about them? - (pg.13) – “I fear this is one of them” – Not entirely clear what he means? Is he saying that he should know what the sounds is, but dears he’s forgotten? Isn’t there anyone else that old he might be expected to remember? Then again, maybe that’s not what he means. - (pg.13) – “He'd only shown”, “The Ef only smiled” – Maybe it’s just me, but word repetitions also stand out for me, and I always feel the need to eradicate them (unless it’s a deliberate dramatic thing, obvs. - (pg.13) – “Dissolution” – Oooohhhh! Boom. - (pg.13) – “The being that stole his memory” – I wish I remembered this better. This is the sort of thing that would send me back to Book 1 searching for the relevant scene. - (pg.14) – “with the other set of music” – This is s phrase I have never heard, or said. Not just ‘piece of music’? - (pg.14) – “Sam,” the Ef said” - (pg.15) – Very nice close to that scene, with the Ef reaching for the crystal and S clicking the door. Very portentous. Is the Ef under thrall of someone, or up to no good (the whole Palantir thing)? - (pg.15) – Yay, M&G are back, and grumping away at each other. Excellent! - (pg.16) – “in that direction” – You’ve described the air, but not the surroundings, which seems odd. G points, but in that direction I don’t know what I'm looking at. - (pg.16) – “Were one of you” – Typo. - (pg.16) – “soft ground”, “marshy ground” – Still don’t know what this place looks like. - (pg.17) – “Swelling will occur” – Lol. - (pg.17) – “call that a “Negotiator.”” – I feel like single quotes, since he’s not quoting atual dialogue. - (pg.17) – “since everyone knows…” – ROFL. - (pg.17) – “are you,” he said.” – This is a question. - (pg.17) – Nice to end the chapter on a friendly note, rather than suspenseful or impending doom-laden. Changing things up is good. And, it seals my satisfaction with this chapter. Overall I thought that S's section of this chapter started a bit weak, in that it felt repetitive of some of the questions and thoughts in E's, but it finished strong on the meeting with the Ef. M's section easily my favourite, but would have liked more description. Good, solid chapter overall. All parts leading elsewhere after the revelation of the LC and Ar, which is fine. A good transitions chapter, I thought. <R>

I love a mushroom omelette, but I sense that's not what you're talking about...

Err, not sure what I could trade, skills-wise. Have you ever had a hankering to design a roundabout?

I'm there.

Lol. I think that's harsh. But quick first draft, I can accept. My approach is, I'll never learn to polish a turd, if I don't start off with the turd in the first place

Hmm, yeah. Difficult one. I can see how it's good form for the youngsters to do it, showing respect for their mentors and elders. I presume that m a j i would not refer to each other in that way. It's possible that it's just me being a grumpy old man, but that would not cover your own dissatisfaction with it, of course And I kind of got that from reading on. I almost left my comment out. Whoa, what are you James Cameron now No, absolutely delighted to hear there is a long game at work. I've kind of flip-flopped a bit on this. R's POV is so distinctively different from the others, not just because of the patois, but because of his standpoint, and that does bring a valuable change in feel to that section, which serves to contrast against the other POVs which, essentially, are all striving after the same thing. I can relate it back to Callan (the 'villain')'s POV in TMM, which got adverse comment at the time, but maybe that is just a good sign that it really reached people on that level, and was effective at what you wanted it to do. As long as it's not in every second chapter, it could be perfectly serviceable, I think. Also, it allows us to hear his mentor's Sath POV on what's going on.

Ah, okay. Seems reasonable.

Ooh, another POV. Hmm... Chapter 4 - (pg.1) - "ten homewolds" - typo. - (pg.1) - The difficulty I have with the epigraph is that it's not clear that it's referring to the original incursion by the LC. I guess there's no army or drain this time, but that's not been confirmed yet, so until R refers to S's intervention, there's some chance it could be a retrospective description of what is happening now. - (pg.1) - I'm confused. Where are we? And when are we? Who is this other apprentice that he's starting at and where did they come in? - (pg.2) - "Ever since the presence in his head had made itself known in his head" - Flows better if the parts of the object are kept together, I think. Also, again, at first glance, I thought this was happening now. Hence, suggest adding 'had'. And I'm not really clear what his logic is here. Is he saying the entity made him more confident? - (pg.2) - "You thought you might be able to help MA?” He asked E" - 'he'. Part of the same sentence. - (pg.3) - Where did the other apprentice go? - (pg.4) - "their group filed on with representatives of all ten species filed on" - You keep splitting the object of the sentence by put the verb in the middle of it. - (pg.4) - Wait a minute. They filed on, now S is back on the platform holding the banister. I assumed he filed on with the rest of them. Unclear, I think. And this new apprentice, she's in this group and open the tram? No description despite the fact that S was looking at her. - (pg.4) - "M a j i C and C" - This is starting to bug me. You never used to do this, putting M plural in front of two m's and capitalising it. We can argue the toss back and forth about the syntax, but my main point is that you haven't done this in any of the other stories that I can recall and I think it's weird, 'cause my brain always tells me it's one person. It's all over the place now. I just don't see why it's necessary. Why not just say C and C, or IF and HD? it just all seems so cluttered with titles every time an m appears int he story. I guess it's only in S's POV, but it just makes me like S POVs less than I did before, and they are (and always have been) my least favourite, because he's the least competent and confident. - (pg.4) - "a deep pealing sound" - So, is this a different noise to the one before? I presume it is, or he would have said 'That sounded happened again.' - (pg.4) - Ah, he does. But why not on the first instance, if it was the same noise? - (pg.5) - "he signed"- He's a bit late to the party. His response comes several seconds after the sound, and the responses of the others. - (pg.5) - "That's very observant" - And that's very condescending. - (pg.5) - "damage to the Dome" and "some remnant of the drain" - Eh? But those things happened ages ago, why would this sounds only start now? - (pg.5) - "Don't cry in front of them. Don't throw up." - I roll may eyes and keep reading. - (pg.6) - "crest of feathery hair K's" - Typo: no apostrophe. - (pg.6) - "beltknife" - Not a word, two words. Typo? - (pg.8) - "not all prejudices common on his homeworld were true" - I know it's his thought, and so entitled to be grammatically 'incorrect', but are prejudices not valid or invalid? - (pg.8) - "head incline" - This does't sound right, to me. Incline as a noun is a slope, of course. Incline as a verb, to me, associates more readily with someone having the inclination towards some mood or action, rather than literally to tilt something, which is what makes me suggest 'tilt' instead. - (pg.8) - "more important the beauty" - Typo 'than', obvs. - (pg.9) - "Mebbe" - Does this mean 'maybe'? I recently had a bad experience with dialect (in The Name of the Wind, the ludicrous patois of the woodsman / pig-farmer(?), which is skipped.) Is this going to get more extreme? I don't mind the yers, and the contractions/abbreviations, but this seems like a new level, just because it's his POV. - (pg.10) - The sessions begins before the Eff waves for it to start. - (pg.11) - "our organization has been around" - This is very informal and does not mesh with the rest of the language, imo. Easy enough to say since our org was formed, or something similar. - (pg.11) - "claim to the m" - Sounds off to me. His claim to the status of m, the title of m, perhaps. - (pg.13) - "to catch every word" - Repetition of 'word'. Suggest 'catch them all.' - (pg.13) - "we will respond with those who still fight with us"- Really awkward. I feel like there's a much simpler wording, like 'we and our allies will respond.' for example. - (pg.13) - Hmm. R's last line reads to me like the start of another paragraph. I thought you had the zinger with the previous paragraph. I think leaving it at "the A." is a more powerful ending to the chapter. Overall For me, the weakest chapter so far. I'm always kind of ambivalent about S's POV. As usual he was a spectator, so momentum dropped quite a bit. Then R's POV. I can see why you wanted this one to give the LC an open hearing, as it were. I don't think the voice brings all that much, but the I can see how the perspective was useful. Not entirely convinced that there isn't another POV that would have served for this. Maybe even E's. Seeing her internal reaction to that last line would have been a doozy. I'm hoping to be back to R's POV, or even (faint hope) back with Man next time. Events have progressed, no argument there, but I feel like this chapter was really quite passive. I guess that probably would have been the case whoever's POV it was in. <R>

Chapter 3 - (pg.1) - Weakest chapter title to date, imo. - (pg.1) - "fade from of memory of the GAoS" - 'the' - (pg.1) - "a greater number may life better lives" - 'live' - (pg.1) - Epigraph follows on nicely from the last chapter. - (pg.1) - "to her left at Ray" - 'R e y' - (pg.1) - Straight away I'm sceptical about being in E's POV. Do we really need another? I'm asking myself why we're not just in S's. - (pg.2) - "then moved it to smooth her pant leg" - Sounds like she moves S's hand to do the smoothing. - (pg.2) - "from the brother" - 'her', presumably. - (pg.2) - "think they've got the right"- I read this as meaning R's people, not the LC. - (pg.2) - "But then, a Drain hadn’t occurred" - Positive phrasing awkward. Suggest 'But then no drain had occurred...' - (pg.3) - "fuss that covered the rest" - 'fuzz'? - (pg.3) - "to cover the slip" - Suggest 'his slip', makes it more personal and direct. - (pg.3) - "only to ground her teeth"- 'grind'. - (pg.4) - I like seeing E's antipathy towards R. It's good that it's not all sweetness and light between the friends. The xenophobe comment sounds a bit repetitious after hearing it on the last page. - (pg.4) - "LC's army" - Is this common parlance in the N? If so, R would seem to be pushing against popular opinion. - (pg.4) - "but yer've got to look" - Gah. I'm okay with the use of 'yer', even though sometimes I don't think it sits right in the context, but this is too far for me. Coming from a culture (Scots) that uses 'yer', we would never say this, but instead more like 'yee've'. - (pg.4) - "the LC had some" - 'have', surely, as they're a live threat. - (pg.4) - "Still, he fell silent at her touch" - Nice, subtle note. - (pg.5) - "moved from the A" - Suggest 'moved off' or 'moved on from'. - (pg.5) - "see him breathing in and out too fast" - Suggest this is redundant. That's what breathing is. - (pg.5) - "'Shaking things up' is not the same as attempting to assassinate" - I think this phrasing works better with the elements the other way around. Usually, it's the extreme element that comes first. - (pg.5) - "roller coaster" - One word. - (pg.6) - It's good that R sounds a bit like he's making sense. Good for a convincing debate. - (pg.6) - "MA directed at them" - Awkward, compared to something like 'snapped'. - (pg.7) - I'm pretty relaxed about POV changes, as you know. Reflecting back to my earlier comment, I can see why we were in E's there, and I'm fine with it. - (pg.7) - "to round them all up" - Hmm, they don't have the equivalent of a phone system, do they? - (pg.7) - "running this this meeting" - (pg.7) - "she did need to him to explain" - (pg.7) - "like ducklings unsure where the crocodile was" - Lol, awesome phrase. - (pg.7) - "the LC was a small percentage of the S" - Phrasing. I think it's confusing the original way. Better still to rephrase: 'S made up only a small percentage of the LC's membership.' Even then, the important thing, surely, is if the membership of the LC is disproportionately S. - (pg.7) - "Though from their argument" - Seems to me this is a fragment that belongs on the last sentence. - (pg.8) - Regarding V, is some know it's him, but most don't know he's in GL, this implies to my that there are some who assume he is at large. That can't be right, can it? - (pg.8) - "some of which had helped her gain" - This is in the past, and I think reads better if that's stated. - (pg.8) - "or what remains of it" - Eh? I'm not aware that any of the houses is unrepresented on the Council!! - (pg.8) - "making a joke" - Lol. - (pg.8) - "backdated their support" - LOL. How very morally accommodating of them. - (pg.8) - "she only hoped to have" - Don't understand this. In the sense 'could only hope to have' (Which I think is better, more accepted phrasing)? Or does she actually hope to have it? In which case, how could she, when she doesn't have that house? - (pg.8) - "The problem is not that the" - (pg.9) - "by which they create the Ds" - Present tense would be more threatening. Presumably they still can create Ds? - (pg.9) - "He'd been busy with research on the phenomena. Perhaps to the detriment of training his apprentice" - Again, I feel like this is one sentence. - (pg.9) - "ramble off on a side tangent"- Is there another kind? - (pg.9) - "at memories of his dexterity" - Again? Phew. She's got a bad case if Ori-ginal Sin at the moment - (pg.9) - "that had reduced the workload in the N" - Hmm, seems to me the workload is the same, but the SBs have taken up a significant share of it, thus reducing the workload of the species. - (pg.9) - "cut travel times by a factor of ten" - Haha, I don't often get travel elements to comment on. I doubt very much that SBs are ten times faster than a humanoid over a short distance. Even long journeys, while they would be faster because SBs don't need to rest, surely would be more likely made by portal anyway. Human walking speed is about 3mph. Cheetah can sprint at 70mph, factor of 20, but the cheetah doesn't maintain that speed for any time. The streets of the N would be chaos with SBs tootling around at 30mph, would they not. Oh wait, so are you saying basically that the N has cars now? If so, why, given the presence of portals? - (pg.9) - "Any house could keep a change going nigh indefinitely" - 'nigh on' is the usual phrase, is it not? This sounded weird to me. - (pg.9) - "She jumped into the silence" - Otherwise, it means something different. - (pg.10) - "our focus now is to find the leaders" - But she said they had permission to find the supply bases. - (pg.10) - "had taken her an hour" - Hmm. I'm trying it decide if this sounds impressive or not. - (pg.10) - "hadn't totally been his fault" - How was it his fault in any way? That's not how I remember it. O saved lives!! - (pg.10) - Ouch. This hint (dollop?) of prejudice in R certainly adds a spark to proceedings. It's good that she is not perfect. I like this aspect. - (pg.11) - "particularly fundamental" - fundamentalist, I think. Fundamental only gives the base meaning. - (pg.12) - "would certain make" - 'certainly'? - (pg.12) - "put in. “One..."- Period. - (pg.13) - "right now" - This does feel rash, and therefore rather unlike R, although I can accept she has changed, and is under huge pressure over this. Even if she is ready (which I kind of doubt), the others are unprepared, possibly unarmed. There's been no discussion of tactics. - (pg.13) - "A secret one person holds is no matter." - I don't follow. - (pg.13) - "though whatever means" - 'through', I think. - (pg.13) - Why is E calling? Is everyone still shouting? I can't 'hear' that. - (pg.14) - "apprentices,” She gasped" - CAPS off. - (pg.14) - Boom! What a great last line. That's a real zinger, surprising yet inevitable. Nicely done. Overall Another good, solid chapter; progress and momentum and tension, etc. maintained. I like the pacing. Does not feel in any way forced, but rather completely natural, I thought. <R>

Huzzah! I hope you're going to be submitting

Oh, goody <claps hands... repeatedly>. Chapter 2 - (pg.1) - Another strong epigram. R's no-nonsense tone comes shining through. excellent - (pg.1) - "O suggested"- To me, it's not a suggestion, but s statement. - (pg.1) - "S’s teeth" - ...and anyway, who is this S, and what's wrong with their teeth? - (pg.1) - Just lovely, lovely, snarky chemistry between these two straight from the off. Perfect. Glad to be back. - (pg.2) - "It’d be like being on the Council again, except all of the paperwork and none of the responsibility" - Something off here, for me. Bit wordy for one thing, and I don't think the sense of it comes out right. Isn't it about influence? 'It would be all the council paperwork, but none of the influence.' - (pg.2) - "They thought..."- Who's they here? The Council? The MCs? - (pg.2) - "but they were also falling back" - Surely, this means the same as 'on the run', compared say to 'they were also consolidating' - (pg.2) - "looked both ways down the hallway in the S of the M" - We know this from the last page. We're past this kind of introductory detail, I feel. - (pg.2) - "I still have clearance" - But I thought they came hereto get clearance. So what were they asking the Council for? - (pg.2) - "Councilor F disappeared" - He did? Is this new? Oh, no!! - (pg.2) - "I’m thinking I need to find where the LC is hiding" - Eh, but this has been the whole point of the 10 pages I've read so far. If she delivered this line with irony or sarcasm, I might be able to buy it, but straight like this it seems, illogical. - (pg.2) - "stroking her fingers down" - Have they stopped walking? This doesn't work if they're still walking: it's a soft gesture, but if they're pounding along a corridor... - (pg.2) - "running down her back" - Oh my, so back together. Good. I hope this doesn't get forgotten about in the course of the story. I'm hoping to see gestures and dialogue to underline and emphasise the state of their relationship. It's satisfying for the reader, also, it would be good and enjoyable to see a stable and caring (cough) relationship at the heart of story, i.e. not yet another romantic pursuit arc. - (pg.3) - "Rilan hesitated..." - Confused by this paragraph. Who's accepting what she's done? She is herself? But only because O comes along? Not quite following. - (pg.3) - "You have plenty of studying to do on the voids"- Too wordy for R, imo, compared to 'You have voids to study.' - (pg.3) - "his new house" - It's not just S's new house, it's the N's, surely? R's phrasing tends to belittle its significance. - (pg.3) - "She’d travel to GP, just one more time" - Why the comma? - (pg.3) - Repetition of 'step' is awkward. - (pg.3) - "climbing up toward them" - Something off here. S is looking down at the steps, but could be travelling up or down, but him being scared of falling down the steps implies he's going down, otherwise he'd be concerned about falling forward (his direction of movement) into the steps, surely. So, how can he see O coming if O is climbing towards them? he must be behind them. - (pg.4) - "Not that S could blame him" - This sounds like blame him for trying to hide his astonishment, rather than blame him for being astonished, I think. - (pg.4) - "wash over his head" - Two 'wash's in this sentence. - (pg.5) - "What if the linking notes between the portals are part of S’s house" - Grammar off. And does she mean 'isn't part of'? The sentence seems set up that way. - (pg.5) - "exit points for the portals" - 'of'? - (pg.5) - "E may be assisting me while R is" - This thought is not connected with going down the stairs, petit follows straight on in the same paragraph. Confused by the logic. - (pg.5) - "M a j i C"- M a j u s, surely. Even if they are non-binary (I'll admit I don't remember), they are still only one entity. Ah, I see. but if it's citing two maji, I don't think 'maji' it would be capitalised. - (pg.6) - "It would be good to help again" - It's very encouraging to see this positivity from S. However, saying it would be 'good' is an enormous understatement. I'd like to see more emotion, urgency, something stronger here, especially at the end of the section. - (pg.6) - "he'd never need to" - Really, so no exercise? That's barbaric, and seems out off tone. - (pg.7) - "I didn't want my seat again" - Suggest 'back' is smoother. Also, her use of the word 'my' implies she is lying to herself. - (pg.8) - Something seems off the flow of logic through the conversation at the top of the page, and bottom of the last. Flow somehow. Not quite sure what specifically. - (pg.8) - "That’s a V i s h-cursed lie" - 'S h i v'? - (pg.8) - "No. she was here" - CAPS - (pg.9) - "We've got to find him"- Why doesn't she say I? Also, strange to make it about one person: there's so much more at stake, isn't there? - (pg.9) - "His affected lisp was coming back., and R clenched her teeth." - Seems like run-on to me. - (pg.9) - "You do still believe in that organization a little bit, don't you?" - Again, I expect directness from R. - (pg.9) - "R spun around"- She hardly seems to let him finish here. It doesn't feel right to me. He might be about to continue. I think she quits too quickly. - (pg.9/10) - "She tried not to see his expression as she left him" - And she succeeds, because we don't hear anything about it. This seems redundant, unless she does catch a glimpse and it troubles her in some way. Also, she hasn't completed the deal, and V spilled before he had secured the perk(s) for doing it. I think this ending needs tidying up to address these loose ends. - (pg.10) - "lifted an eye" - 'eyebrow'. - (pg.10) - Oh, this is a joy. To see M in the 'main' novel timeline as a POV (I don't think Seeds had that...), and to see him back in P. Proper chuffed - (pg.11) - "with as little pre-amble as M had used" - Redundant, imo. - (pg.11) - "from behind glasses, set on her furry snout"- Drop the comma, imo. - (pg.11) - "She still wore her bandolier" - This sentence is a bit maid-and-butler as a thought that M would have, since he knows all this and would expect nothing else, surely? So, I suggest the 'still' to give him an excuse, or highlight that he is reappraising her appearance against his memory. - (pg.11) - "Me and K have been" - Grammar. Should be 'K and I', but since it's dialogue and characters are allowed to have bad grammar then... But wait!! The N translates, does it? So, does it not correct grammar as part of the process?!?!?!?! - (pg.11) - "certificates of invention" - Patents, surely? - (pg.11) - "I've missed your phrases" - Meh. Not an evocative word, compared to something like 'quips' or 'jibes'. - (pg.12) - "Helped me put K here together" - Hang on, did the 'spider-chair' speak just now? Not quite sure what happened. - (pg.12) - "I’ve been afraid to reach out" - Not sure I believe this of G. No... I don't. One thing for M to be reticent, but why would all parties behave that way, especially if K was dying? - (pg.12) - "Truthfully, though he’d first kept away from any other maji once associated with the organization he’d belonged to in his youth, his term on the Council had occupied more and more of his time." - This first thought isn't finished. he first kept away because... If it's because of the time thing, saying more and more about something that happened in the past seems awkward, and sounds more like something happening in the present, and expected to continue. - (pg.12) - "Bet you could have showed her" - 'shown'. - (pg.12) - "trundled" - Doesn't it have legs / feet? This sounds more like wheels, but maybe it has both. Just wasn't clear about the wheels before, I think. - (pg.13) - "shoulder, He" - CAPS off. - (pg.13) - "for fear of letting their association taking up" - Grammar typo(s). - (pg.13) - "regulated to a curiosity" - Relegated? - (pg.13) - "and just in time"- Huh? How so? - (pg.13) - "It must have gotten worse" - This observation is beneath his intellect to make. Self-evident. - (pg.13) - "She helped me out through the toughest times" - Unnecessary and less smooth. - (pg.13) - "Well deserved"- Nice couple sentences here. Pathos, melancholy. Nice subtlety. - (pg.14) - "if I may have it again"- Great line, plays off the pathos and melancholy very nicely. - (pg.14) - "and it shall require" - Not just 'will'? 'shall' sounds overelaborate, imo. - (pg.14) - "until his face was at standing height" - Awkward and a bit indirect, for me, compared to 'level with M's'. But wait, if M was bending down, does that mean G's face stops being level when M straightens up? Argh. This seems unnecessarily complicated. - (pg.14) - "Our first task,” M said, “Is to restart the SoTH." - I'd forgotten this bit from reading this submission the first time around. I literally put my arms in the air and mouthed 'Yesss!" (It's still only 6:23am). This is a glorious moment. I LOVE THIS. I really hope there's a recruitment montage. This was a really Hollywood moment, and I mean that in the best possible sense. It's the Avengers assemble moment and, for me, it's just perfect. Overall Oh man, oh man, oh man, I just love this chapter. It's everything I could have wanted from the new book, to have M as a main character (I hope he is, and has an equal part). There are a lot of characters and therefore a lot of POVs (I feel somewhat vindicated ), but they are so distinctive that it's no problem at all. Inevitably, there is the risk of readers having favourites, and therefore being less enthused / disappointed when you revert to a less liked one, but I don't think that's an issue because of the clearly different and interesting (for different reasons) voices between them. And this is a huge benefit is helping to 'water down' (in a good way) S's tendency to sound whiny. A triumph. More @Mandamon, please, @Mandamon <R>

I have the perfect opportunity that I've been waiting for to delve into your submissions (having woken at 3am... ). I've been looking forward to this Dramatis Personae - (pg.2) - "Some changed were required" - typo. - (pg.3) - "He was murdered by A" - and yet he's a supporting character? Interesting. - (pg.3) - "He was the designer of the SBs" - One of the designers? Chief designer? - (pg.3) - "Only a handful of people are still living..." - Excellent. The plan is working!! I think 'Society' is still my favourite of your works. - (pg.3) - "when it is in session" - Surely he still presides over it when it is not. If something happens when the assembly is not in session, he is the go-to guy, isn't he? So, this bit seems redundant. - (pg.3) - "They seem to be able to create Ds" - Seems to me early comments seem to be certain about this. I didn't realise there was any doubt remaining. Also, "and have an unknown objective, save that they want to “bring peace and promote life.”" - Phrasing: I feel like this sentence is awkward to decipher. For me, 'save' doesn't mesh with the sub clause about the objective. I think it would be smoother if it read 'their objective is unknown, save...'. I think putting 'unknown' next to 'save' makes it easier to parse. - (pg.3) - "the F--ing Hands" - It's me, not you, I'm sure, but I've never thought of Sass having hands, I think because of their reptilian characteristics. In summary: I too like DPs, and I enjoyed this one. Not too long for me. The main characters get the most attention, of course. Chapter 1 - (pg.4) - Just love the epigram. To open on O's voice is perfect, for me, as he was always my favourite character. Sage words too, the set the scene very effectively, I thought. - (pg.4) - "the sound went on and on" - Very smooth and involving introduction. I feel like a adjective is needed to reconfirm what's happening to the sound. Is it a 'dying' (i.e. continually reducing) sound? The phrase 'stabilised into' makes me think it changed somehow. - (pg.4) - "like specs of salt" - This is an awfully specific simile. - (pg.5) - "sitting here in the dark"- I feel like I should know this before now, having been here for a page. We've seen the birds, but there's no indication of darkness in the room. - (pg.5) - "Probably the chime" - Again, I'd like to know what it's doing. 'Probably that irritating chime.' - (pg.6) - "as his hands clenched around E’s hands" - Repetition of hands is awkward, I thought. - (pg.6) - I really enjoy this little recap. Well judge in length/detail, and well placed in the narrative. - (pg.6) - "other man's skin" - I don't think of either of them as men. What age is S again? - (pg.6) - "he had cowered behind a crate" - I still like my had, and I think there is a place for them, especially here in underlining that S is thinking back to past events. - (pg.6) - "That infernal chiming sound" - Good. I think the more times you mention the chime (within reason) the better win these opening pages. I don't think there is any harm in annoying the reader by constantly mentioning the chime. It's supposed to be annoying, after all. - (pg.6) - "grandmother? Aunt?" - Ah, no. This is a problem for me. I can totally accept that he doesn't remember her face, but he's got to remember their relationship, surely. I get no sense that he's losing his faculties. he just be able to remember the generation that his gran (right?) came from, imo. Also, I found it curious that S didn't even think about the fact that he's lost his parents, when he thinks about loss, and also thinks directly about the fact that E has lost her parents. - (pg.7) - "find him" - Curious that she doesn't use I's name here, I thought. - (pg.7) - "he hummed along..." - Nice detail. This is the sort of little accent that really puts the reader in the moment, I think, and embeds the symphony in the narrative and the setting. - (pg.8) - "even if most of the m don’t" - This last bit is just verging on maid-and-butler for me, I think. I thought the first two parts of the statement are fine (even though they both know this information), but it was this later part that stretched it too far. - (pg.8) - "I know that too, even if I don’t understand how" - This sounds to me like she doesn't understand how she knows it, but I don't think that was your intention (was it?). I wanted 'how' to be 'it'. - (pg.8) - "Told you? Where? When? Who it is?" - 'Where?' seems like the absolute last question someone logically would ask in that situation. Why? How? surely are more prominent and pressing issues than Where? and When? Also, the last question > grammar. E doesn't have a speech inflection, that I can remember, does she? - (pg.8) - "I hurt someone" - Ooh, ooh, ooh, what if he sent the drain back in time to his gran's house and captured his own self?!?!?! No, I'm sure that's not it. - (pg.9) - "unperturbed by the noise now it was gone" - This seems so self-evident that it's not worthy of mention. - (pg.9) - "The waning light" - Oh. This is the first statement about the time of day, I think. I had imagined that it was morning, for some reason. - (pg.9) - "wood, or iron, or gas" - Wood and iron are a specific material and element, but then gas could be anything. It seems out of step with the other things in the list. Even if he doesn't think oxygen (for example), he might think air, I think, rather than just gas. Is it just me? The only time I use the term 'gas' is in relation to natural gas (fuel). - (pg.9) - "done experiments with" - Maybe it too soon for line edits (Oops, too late ), but I feel that 'experimented with' flows better. - (pg.10) - "talk with the others" - What others? I feel like E would be more specific than those, given her steady, analytical approach to things (I think?). - (pg.10) - "lip curled up, letting anger wash" - This sounds like his lip is in control. - (pg.10) - "That's why she's gathering us together" - Hmm, so E knew this and kept it from him when she arrived. - (pg.10) - "reconstruct the location for..."- 'of', surely? - (pg.11) - "being an chull" - I noticed that someone said (above) that they were put out (my phrase) that S did not seem to have progressed. Got to say I disagree. It seems to me that, while he's still suffering from his anxieties, it's not so crippling, and he's much quicker here to realise that his behaviour is impacting adversely on his friend. I think that shows progress. I'm happy with that. The issue will arise if the anxiety gets too much in the way of the story, and the character developoing. - (pg.11) - "S rushed forward" - Eh? No; he's already holding her hands, he's right there, doesn't need to rush forward. Maybe he leans forwards, reaches forward? - (pg.11) - "He checked her pulse, but it was still strong" - This is unnecessary. It implies part of the sentence that isn't there. It implies that he think her pulse will be weak. Because you don't say that, there's nothing for 'but' to play against. - (pg.11) - "some part of him that always looked for anything"- Or 'was always looking', which I think would be even better to flag this unconscious prejudice, although he's just acknowledged it, so no longer unconscious! - (pg.11) - "than just he and E"- I think it's 'him', isn't it? Take away E from the sentence, and I think it has to be 'him'. - (pg.12) - "city of the I stretched out behind it" - Somehow I don't picture him close enough to the window to get this perspective. E has been pulling him to the door--also he lunged toward her, further away from the window--so, it seems to me, he's pretty far from the window, and surely would only be able to see air/wall, not the ground. - (pg.12) - "He was breathing shallower" - Sounds like he's doing that on purpose, compared to 'His breathing was shallower'. And, isn't it 'more shallow'? - (pg.12) - "then brushed a hand down his cold cheek"- This rang odd to me, because although he feels his neck is cold, she's the one touching it, so it starts to sound like her POV, imo. - (pg.12) - "I know what you've been going through, S--, but Inas may not have a lot of time" - I feel like this line could have the punch increased (being at the end of the chapter and all) if she used his name. - (pg.12) - "pushed the door to MC's apartment open" - Again for punch / directness, I feel that when you separate 'door' and 'open', you lose the momentum and the immediacy of the action, compared to 'pushed open the door to MC's apartment...' - (pg.12) - For me, those last couple of short sentences, are kind of melodramatic. There's drama in the sign of I, the unknown sound, the unknown house, the 'misplaced' drain, even going to question V again, but we end on S's insecurity. I was somewhat disappointed and underwhelmed by that as the ending of the chapter. It doesn't feel like the most dramatic thing going on. Overall I enjoyed this as a reintroduction. Keeping the number of characters down lets me focus on the scene, and I like the number of callbacks you've used and where you've used them. yet there is enough new material to (re)involve me in the situation. I think this is an effective first chapter and establishes decent early momentum. From experience, I have little doubt that you will keep this going. I think it's one of your strengths. Looking forward to the next chapter. <R>

Oh, and can I just add, #iagreewith@Mandamon

Wow, that certainly will up the stakes in the middle. Chapter 5 - (pg.1) - "The courtyard..." - Struggling a bit with the description of the building, but especially the courtyard. It's just loose stone stacked up? Why is it at head height, or is it the courtyard wall that's a head height? Struggling to imagine this. - (pg.1) - "over the tops of the stone city" - Rooftops? - (pg.1) - "strung and roped across" - These essentially mean the same thing, surely. Having both seems redundant. - (pg.2) - "as she led them on" - I feel like this phrase has a very strong association its meaning 'to mislead someone', and that is the impression I get, rather then 'led them in' (to the bathhouse) or led them through' (the factory). - (pg.2) - "no one could agree on who should take the bed" - To me, this is beyond ridiculous. I don't think three sane people would allow that situation to occur. All very well for a sitcom, or romcom, but for a serious story? I thinker's a bit off tone, like the rust show from last time. - (pg.2) - "The morning had..." - Real run-on basket of clauses, and fragments in this sentence, it seemed to me. Very awkward to read. - (pg.2) - "You slept last night" - Must say I missed the significance of this line until it was explained below. I think it's just WRS though. - (pg.2) - "Or are the clothes too tight?" - I don't think tight clothes is the opposite of second thoughts, is it? This sounds off to me. - (pg.3) - "I still want to do this" - Referring to your notes above: do they know at this point that one of them will die during the spell? If so, they seem very blasé about it here. Unconvincingly so. - (pg.3) - "when xie still couldn’t think of what else to say" - I don't see what function this is performing in this sentence. Reads fine without it to me. - (pg.4) - "road rode an impressively large grey" - (pg.4) - "what pedigrees or trainings the thing had" - Singular, surely. For one thing, a singular entity only has one pedigree. Similarly, 'training' is an aggregation of all structured experience, surely. You wouldn't say 'I've got trainings in French, Biology, etc.' - (pg.4) - "thousands lined the sidewalks" - I'd like more impression of this through noise and clamour, bustle, etc. - (pg.4) - What does 'breaking from the crowd' mean? The person should have tied up their pet, I understand that, but what was it they did? Then I'm unclear what happens. O falls on the brick, but protects the pot from breaking? Why does LL's dragon rear? Did O fall at its feet? Unclear. I just don't follow the action here. - (pg.5) - "running feet on brick and surmised" - Repetition quite soon after the last use. Stood out for me. - (pg.5) - "guards whom had originally been" - Unnecessary, imo, and do you really need whom? Seems out of tone, overly elaborate when 'who' would flow past unnoticed, imo. - (pg.5) - "hanging around my bed post" - 'to prove it'? - (pg.6) - "One of the guards approached" - I think it takes the guards way too long to get there. Surely, there would be a commander who would not permit them to doze at their posts. Surely, there is an escort that flanks the lady through the streets, especially if some people are booing, implying disaffection and possible rebelliousness (i.e. threat to the lady). - (pg.6) - "four guards bowed" - Only four guards when there are thousands of people? - (pg.6) - "A head peaked from the left side opening" - Don't understand who this is. Someone in the courtyard? Chapter 6 - (pg.8) - "Guards are all dealing with the crowd" - Meh. For me this is quite simplistic and unlikely. It's that classic and unfortunate trope of the opposition being really stupid, lacking any kind of leadership (*see under Keystone Cops), acting as one equally daft unit*, and falling for the first simple ruse that the protagonists come up with*. It's low-hanging fruit. I know this is a short, so you don't have time for two or three try-fails, but could we not even have one? There must be guards inside the courtyard, surely, who would not run outside, because they've been assigned to a location and instructed to say put. It's not like there has been an assassination attempt, it's just crowd control which, surely, is the responsibility of those guards outside near the crowd. - (pg.8) - "Hop in." - Again, I can't believe that O knows at this point that one of them might die. And, if M knows, she's being very callus and calculating, but not betraying any outward sign that she knows someone is going to die. Is it random which one dies? - (pg.8) - "You can’t be in here!" - Thank goodness for this, but it doesn't assuage my doubts enough. Why are there no guards in the courtyard? Who is watching the flame, and making sure it doesn't go out? Who is controlling the equipment? - (pg.9) - "two of the grounds crew were plenty tall enough to see over" - Is this the same wall that was as tall as O's head? - (pg.9) - "without M" - I say again, how is it that everyone's so blasé about this is one of O and M is about to die? Secondly, The ladder must be really hot under xir hands, but O seems to feeling northing. No sweat, no scalded skin (is it only liquid that scalds?)? - (pg.9) - "Ignoring xir burning hands and melting shoes" - I'd rather xie wasn't ignoring them, which sounds unlikely, but coping with the pain in some way, feeling it but punish through it and past it with a great effort of will. Ignoring it kind of trivialises it, to me. - (pg.9) - "insistently reading words in an alphabet" - I don't think you see words in an alphabet, but in a language. - (pg.9) - "pot after pot" - I don't know where this comes from. Maybe with the updated version, this is flagged earlier as part of the plan, but it seems a bit too convenient, that some guy came from Meth to buy all the flowers and handily give O a way out of the dire situation. Also, why do the guards have to climb the wall when they are seen through the open doorway (aren't they?) before O gets into the sleeve? - (pg.9) - "thin packs on the air currents" - I don't really follow this. - (pg.10) - "Xir skin felt too tight, the blisters on xir skin ready to pop" - Close repetition of 'skin'. Could the second instance be 'body'? I think that would flow better, and sounds more personal and immediate to me. Then there are two most instances of skin. There has to be another word. I always think close repetition of words is, well, boring. - (pg.10) - "Her dragon has also started trying to lap the seeds from the air" - I think this was commented upon last time. There have been literally no advantages and a huge number of drawbacks to using Komodo dragons in this way. Why on earth would any civilisation do this? They can't be the only beasts of burden available, surely. (Someone mentioned pigs.) There is no logic to it, which makes me doubt and disbelieve it every time it comes up. There has been chaos every time a KD appears 'on screen', so why would the powers that by permit the risk during something as important as a coronation? I think it makes no sense, and therefore feels like the hand of the writer. - (pg.10) - "We didn’t have weapons and I think that makes us a low level threat. We’ve got time to get away, if you can get up" - This sounds really exposition-y to me. - (pg.11) - "O could hear M walking away" - How? - (pg.11) - "Where there had always been a tinge of consciousness" - But there hasn't been when they've been together, has there? Not that I remember. - (pg.11) - "even after thin glass rained down" - Nope, hang on. This sleeve is a massive glass cylinder big enough for O to lie down in and not touch the sides. Structurally, the walls must be pretty darn thick for it to support its own weight. I don't believe this at all. Even if it is thin glass, there is a huge amount of it. The chances of O coming out - (pg.11) - "O looked at M" - Huh? Nobody died. How does this relate to your comment in the intro? Also, you said that M walked away, so how can O look at her? - (pg.11) - "a few men screaming"- Eh? What? Why? Are the guards tasering the crowd? Why? I can't understand, but again it seems very convenient to permit O and B to escape in the well-placed chaos. What about the guards and ground staff that were coming towards them? Where are they, have the just disappeared? - (pg.12) - "back through the gate and into the crowded street" - But where did the guards and the ground staff go? I'm just not understanding at all. Seems like the evaporated. - (pg.12) - "that brought O and M closer" - This is out of POV. O would not refer to herself in the third person, surely. - (pg.12) - In my humble (Okay, probably not .) opinion, the last line is a bit weak. Summary In the end, I feel rather let down by a lot of details that add up to disappoint quite significantly. I think there's a good story in here, but where is the cost? Where is the test, the trying and failing and the price of magic? I feel like it's all too easy and makes me wonder why I cared in the first place. There's close to anguish and real pain in the early sections, but that is lost when O and M come together. I feel like the tone of the story changes there, and the gritty, painful elements are gone, and it become a caper, and a rather improbable one at that. It's well written and very readable, as always, with effective characters(+) and solid pacing, but I've come to expect more from you in terms of story after the final draft version of Ard. (still to enjoy the finished article), and most especially what is not now called TWD. I finished this with the bitter tang of disappointment on my (metaphorical) palate. <R> (+ Still, I am not totally convinced by the relationship between O and B.)

Hey y'all. So, I got my email confirmation this morning of being selected as a Programme Participant for WorldCon. Presuming that you guys did too? Not sure if that means they've picked up the suggested session that was discussed here. Do we have a response on the overall application, @Silk?

Hey Molah, welcome back. This is great, well done! This is also great. Doesn't sound too shabby for a first publication of an 'unknown' Excited to read some of your new stuff.