Robinski

Awesome! Thanks for the links, Sev

And just to set a baseline, so far we have @JWerner and @Alderant for Monday, 10th June. (Alderant, there is absolutely no reason for you to back out; you've earned a slot--first come, first served. Please go ahead and submit on Monday.)

This sounds like a job for Assistant Second Trombone-man. "Don't worry, ma'am; we'll protect the forum in your absence." It'll be fine: there's no chance of a super villain taking advantage of our weakened state to launch a completely unexpected sneak attack... "Have a great trip!"

Well, @Alderant, I've rolled up my sleeves and I'm tackling your extremely comprehensive comments. Looking forward to it... I think I expect it will take me two or three visits, and I like to edit what I can as I go. Can I just say welcome to RE again. I love debating this stuff line-level It's all down to how you read N-E-U. Because I read it as one word then, as you say--technically--it would be 'a N'. I like this because it make it compatible with the expanded version too; i.e. if someone said 'a Neuro Enhancement Unit' (if that's what it's called: I can't remember Whereas, if I'd written it a 'an N.E.U.' then yes, 'an' of course. Thanks: edited! Again, I'm really sorry about this. Just plain forgot the tag. Poor show: profuse apologies Working my way through the concerns, and I've fixed 95% of them (say). There was very little that I didn't accept. Like this one: a lot of folks are tripping up on this. I will fix it. Basically, that stuff is there as setting, in effect, since I don't have much time to develop setting other than through names/places. Aimed to ensure that none of the French actually matters. Example: when P says 'je pense' at the end of a sentence. This means, 'I think', which doesn't matter at all. I was hoping most people would be able to skip over it, or work it out (pense > as in pensive, from the Latin...(etc.)). I appreciate it will turn some readers off: a lot don't seem to mind it, and I hope every takes a sense of setting from it. We shall see Yes, this is a really good point. I'm going to figure out how to tackle this then work something in in relation to his emotions. Thank you again for these super-comprehensive comments. I've got a lot to think about, but I think the story can be stronger again thanks to all this great feedback. <R>

Thanks again, both @kais and @Mandamon. Basically, I've address all of your comments to some degree. Whether I've gone far enough, well, remains to be seen. The other POVs are gone now, with the info incorporated into P's. How clear that is at this point... unsure, but it's better from a POV sense. I will expand the ending for sure. Many others tweaks made on the way. Thank yous!

Thank you so much for the notes, @industrialistDragon. I really appreciate them. I'm getting some good notions about tackling this hard and getting the big wrench out (instead of the little screwdriver I used on it this time around). Also, MAJOR APOLOGIES to everyone for the lack of an 'S' tag. My bad on that one. I have no excuses. And @Alderant, sorry to not have responded to you yet, but I can see I will have my work cut out with your highly detailed critique. I am looking forward to that (and properly trepidatious, of course ).

Hey, SSmooth, please don't worry about that. I think I'm still the worst for late replies It's just sooo helpful to have comments: no 'sell by' date Noted. I can fix that. Fair point. The end is very sudden. I can fix that too, or at least try another ending and see how it flies. I'm sure I can do this too. Excellent thought. I think I'm going to use that. I will pay my usual finders fee for good suggestions, which presently is T-rump's I.Q. divided by his bank balance... in cents. I didn't quite realize this until I read this comment, but it makes a whole lot more sense now. Acht, right: I'll have to tweak the volume on that image up a bit. I kind of felt the same way. I also kept thinking they had some history before he lost his memory because of the tears, but he had memories from before, and she wasn't part of them. I'm being a bit prescriptive now, but I think the relationship would be interesting if they had known each other previously, even briefly. Good thoughts. Good thoughts. Let me ruminate on this. Great comments thank you, SSmooth. Much appreciated. I'm struggling a bit with my James White submission story, which I'm not sure is going to cut the mustard. Maybe I'll come back to this one, if I can fix it in time.

Cool. Thanks. This is helpful

Great stuff. Thanks so much for those comments, JW. They are helpful. I'll want to get something in about the P.I. bit for sure, because it's not helpful not to know. Stronger hook is something I can work with too.

Auch, wheesht (have you noticed yet that I'm from Glasgow?). Nobody's a drain. We're all here to make all the writing better

Hey, thanks so much for the comments. yes, always Yeah, I accept this. It works for a lot of people, but for some not. It's still rather wordy. I'll see what I can do in the next edit. Which will be post any kind of non-response from Angry Robot. Cool beans Yeah, I caught this when listening to my 'robot' read me the first three chapters. I changed it to six steps. Phew. Ha-ha. Glad you liked that. If I'm honest, I actually tripped up on it myself as I went through. I finished Book 2 in April and Q's early background has never been revisited. If I ever do visit it, I will not have him as a street urchin, because that is the new farm boy of SFF. Seems like every second protagonist starts as a starving street urchin pickpocket. Noted. I'll bear that in mind. Yes, I imagine I'd get sued if I used the full name (Strangely, I've been in court with McD's before... long story.) Anyway, I might consider a different abbreviation, although I think most people get it, so maybe I won't. He put them on. You'll have noticed by now that he has a very grandiose sense of his own persona. Ha. This used to be the biggest thing in my life, but it rarely seems to come up anymore, so thanks for that. I guess these are remnants from the Great Passivity Purge of 2017. Thank you, I shall be on the look out next edit. Thanks so much for reading, @hawkedup. Much appreciated. Some good things to think about there.

Hey @Alderant, you know you're our resident armourer now, right?

Comments. (page 1) - You've got the Lufs ending in 'vurns' but also 'vern' which doesn't seem consistent. - The epigraph is pretty distancing. I don't really understand any of it, or at least can't relate to any of it very well, since its all beyond my ken. Four genders I'm moving on... - Confused: being passing him grates on him, but he's more used to the being who live here? These things seem contradictory. - "straightened into a smile" - To me, a smile is a curve. (page 2) - Emotion / romance / love - hurrah! However, "for a kiss" - this is very passive, compared with 'to kiss S'. I prefer the more active version, rather than leaning in to allow S to kiss him. - Who said afterward? - "Their guide’s head flaps fluttered between them and the broad building" - confusing imagery, sounds like the head flaps stretch over some huge distance. - Repetition of 'words' close together, awkward. (page 3) - "some holding sheaf of scrolls and tables" - either 'a sheaf' or 'sheaves', presumably. - "colorful and elaborate costumes" - do they all wearing clothing then? That in itself seems a bit unusual. - "The noise of a hundred conversations conducted in squeaks, taps, and grating noises bored into his brain" - The noise of a hundred noises. I will always find repetition awkward. - Oooh, changing in the open. Excellent conflict / action / incident. (page 4) - "He thought his heart might explode" - This is all great stuff. FINALLY, we get to see S fight back against his nature, take control. - S gets his answer, but it's another question. This is not terribly clear / smooth. - "one of Is' arms, pulling the razor sharp claws away from the dignitaries" - is this not singular, or is there more than one claw on each arm? (page 5) - "He pulled the razor claw toward his neck" - Awesome! But see here how 'claw' now is singular. - "sharpened claw pricking his skin like a razor" - Hmm, the razor sharp claw is pricking his skin like a razor... I think there are too many razors around here. - So this is a stand-up-and-cheer moment. Well done!! What emotion, what tension. It's got nothing to do with love, really imo, just sheer palpable relief. Great moment. (page 6) - "What did they do you?" - missing word. - "I'll tell you later,” his head" - CAPS off. (page 7) - "in their ghetto" - Ooh, interesting. - "Here, though, a group of the tripod-like purple P tumbled on some errand, or a trio of N scuttled past" - But this description of being has nothing to do with the use of space, which is what the previous sentence is about. There's a disconnect here. >>>> "devoid" - The connection of these ideas is kind of confusing. (page 8) - "He looked over to see how I was faring, but he was composed again" - The second part is not the converse of the first, so I don't get the use of 'but' here. - "brightly colored patterns of aeir wings" - 'their'? Oh, no. It's another gender. I'm getting confused by all the difference pronouns. There are soooo many. This set here, the 'a' ones are difficult to pick out of prose, imo. (page 10) - "Fashion for a b/s" - Excellent, so immersive. - "a she.” he whispered" - punctuation. - "the next facet" - This is weird; the term is so loose and non-specific. I feel like they would have a more definitive term than 'next'. Also, it sort of implies there is a 'previous' or 'last' facet too, but that would imply a progression, which would raise the question why is one behind another? And I'm now in a dark room wondering what I started this train of thought. (page 11) - "Her claws shrunk and separated" - shrank. - "You're an A" - nice twist, very nice, very in world and in setting. (page 12) - Wait, is WW suddenly female? (page 13) - "He is my other instance" - - "I am not jealous" - lol. This made me smile. (page 14) - "The houses of the m were her 'dears?"- That's not what I took, I presumed she meant the members of those houses. - "many, many centuries" - comma. (page 16) - "Yes, I was. And you must know that P was as well" - I know this is in response to 'were you there', but a second question is asked about living through the war. I think it would read smoother if she answered that question with 'Yes, I did, and P did too'. (page 17) - "N's clawed feet were in sharp contrast to the E" - in sharp contrast to the E's silence, to the E's something, not to the whole of the E herself. - "an A in shape again" - I didn't register this before. Isn't this the first time we've seen the true shape of an A, and yet I felt like almost nothing was made of it, little enough for me to miss it. (page 18) - WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The house of time? Wow. Really, I think this dialogue, which is absolutely momentous, needs to be split out from this paragraph. Overall Great chapter. I was concerned this was going to be exposition / background / setting heavy and, while it was, you did a great job of also giving us tension, action, conflict, passion, emotion, etc. Good job. There were some bits where it felt like there was a lump of exposition that I was keen to get past, but not too much. The ending is a massive wow moment. The H of T, I mean gosh. Nice work

Ha-ha!! That's going on the Reading Excuses T-shirt (only half joking, pre-orders for WorldCon?) (page 1) - Good. Definitely better. I'm completely clear that I am in desert setting, no water, sore feet. Good. I still think it's curious someone marked out a road. For one thing, those cobbles are going to get covered up by drifting sand. I think it would be like building a road at the North Pole, or in the Sahara: pointless. - pick out of a crowd - great line, and very pithy way to instantly describe the character in outline: a very effective first impression. (page 2) - Good, some long range visual description. It's not hugely detailed, but it's enough to put me in the scene. A little more detail wouldn't go a miss for me personally. - Where does the blue come in for the wood? - The mental journal is a cool idea and gives you the chances to trick the POV and tell the reader things that otherwise would probably sound awkward. - I LOVE the juxtaposition of her thinking of ways to kill someone in a jokey way then the next bit... "A bit of humour... going to die within two days" BOOM! That's great. The problem I have is that you lose the impact of that great line with all this stuff about beds and blood and legs cut off. I'm not saying drop that, I'm saying give us space to absorb the thought of her being dead, then go to a new paragraph with the next thought. Too rushed. - Is L missing a leg too? Confused. - More confused. All these stuff with Star and Straight, the Council a boat raiders: for me it's all too much too soon. The reader has no chance to make any sense of all that stuff. In other words, the paragraph about the 6th Sett is very, very tell-y, in a bad way. I think it stretches the mental journal idea--which has worked well for me till now--too far. - "Back home, it was called the D" - Interesting. (page 3) - "three figures had appeared down the road" - This goes to what I was saying earlier about description. The description is better, but I want more. Do they appear from over a crest in the road, from a dip in the road? Around the corner of a dune? I don't know what the landscape looks like, and yet it is all around. - "weapons, though at least they forward..." - These are part of the same thought, therefore same sentence. Also, forward? I think 'honest' would be clearer, and is quite funny. - How are they pale when they live in the desert? I know you get cold deserts, but this doesn't seem to be that. (page 4) - Yes, for me this encounter is already better than the previous version. It feels more realistic. - "In her past of recovering from the injuries..." - This sentence is way long and running-on and confusing. it's four lines long and not clear. Very wordy. And the last sentence about metal is overkill. You've just explained that, then you say it again, but in seven words which would replace the four lines prior to that. - "Dire Strait" - Money for Nothing: best riff EVER!! <rocks out for several minutes> - aaaaand we're back. Interesting fact 'Money for Nothing' uses the word 'faggot' three times. Fairly sure you could't do that now... and quite rightly so. - I like that L considers fighting a risk, even though she is implied to be highly proficient, although he has lost an arm, so presumably lost to someone? Unclear. Anyway, I like the idea. I would say that the phrasing / wording around here it a bit muddy. - "let's get her!" - The goons still come over dumb in a bad way. I mean to say this out loud? It feels like low-hanging fruit dialogue, i.e. the first thing that suggested itself. I suggest looking harder at this and finding a more interesting and original line. - "D's the leader..." - This is lazy logic from L. Some of the most renowned leaders have not been tall. Napoleon, for example (5'7"). Churchill was 5'6". Shorter people tend to have to rely on wits and intelligence, therefore arguably are more likely to become leaders, even in a fantasy setting. - "whacked his smaller subordinate" - this is contradictory, like D has two subordinates, but D is not the tall one? So he must be the boxer. But the boxer is the nervous one. Very confused. Something not right here, methinks. (page 5) - a chip? Like fries? Confused. It must come from something. A vegetable? - I am enjoying the debate. I think it's much more realistic that there would be this kind of negotiation, showing that both parties would prefer to avoid violence, although neither will admit it out loud. - "just a little over two feet long" - that's pretty small for a sword. You're talking a glades-type weapon at this length, I think. And then your describe the rest of the sword and I'm thinking nope. Swords like falchions and rapiers tend to be 3 feet long. But I'll just wait to read what @Alderant has to say about this - what does 'edge outwards mean? I can't be edge on the inside. - "she flipped it around in her hand a few times" - on the one hand (sorry...) I don't think a proper swordsman would do this; on the other hand (really sorry!), I can see why she would do this to intimidate them without actually engaging them. (page 6) - Oh, so boxer is the largest goon? That's not clear up to now, I don't think. - "splotches" - This is a terrible word and should only be used by people aged 5 and under When you're talking about bruising and implied violence, this word just undermines that who vibe, I think. - "It was obvious that he was being abused..." - I agree, which means you don't need to say this, you've just shown in. Strike this line. Or, at very least delete "It was obvious that". (page 7) - I am so much more invested in this encounter than before. It's so much more effective, I think now that it's much more a battle of wills. - "earthquake" - kind of crude image. I would imagine being in a earthquake doesn't cause a body to tremble (directly). (page 8) - "towards the ground" - I don't think the ground is far enough away for something to go towards the ground. He'll reach the ground in less than a second, I think. Going towards the horizon, towards the town, fine, but this sounds off to me. - She doesn't have time to jump aside to avoid a thrown knife. What is he, ten feet away? The knife crosses that distance in a second maybe. And then, if he's close enough to tackle her, then he's too close to throw the knife, or too close for her to jump aside to avoid it. Try acting this out with a friend, relative or colleague, I think you'll uncover some logistical issues. - Big, long run-on sentence for four lines. - Huh? What just happened? Why did he let go of her? And you can't say "Boo" at the same time you're grinning. Try it. But there's no way he just recoils for no reason. did she do magic? Don't understand. - "bolted" - 'Bolt upright' is an expression, but it's not a verb. I presume it come from being as upright (straight) as a bolt of cloth. (page 9) - The line about her mustering the courage to kick him in the balls confuses me. It doesn't seem consistent with her strength to date. - Knees knocking? Really? Why? This is a comic image, I feel it has not place here. - Fighting is boring at the best of times: dissecting it afterwards is ten times more boring. I'm skipping this bit about what she should have done. (page 10) - "deprived of plants" - devoid of plants would be the more usual phrasing, 'deprived' sounds like they had plants, but someone took them away. And if they have no plants, they most have all sorts of health problems. Where do that get Vitamin C from or a host of other nutrients for that matter? - "comrades...kidnappers? Acquaintances" - Smacks of the author not being able to decide which word to use. Pretty untidy and I don't think it really says anything. - "Another hole?" - Huh? Don't understand. (page 11) - "did decided" - typo. - The bit where he starts running is awkward. I think it would be more effective if he just started walking after her. The running is strong behaviour, walking is normal. Also, her going all combat: weird. Just tell him to shove off. (page 12) - "outtake" - Huh? What does that mean? - "raised a single eyebrow at him" - you really draw attention to how arch this gesture is by the phrasing. If you say 'eyebrow' that is only one, you do not need to say single, which is excessive, imo. (page 13) - "Pi" - Still? - "I'll follow you for now" - This is repetitive of her say 'for now' before. - "part of her wanted to hope that he was sincere" - over-complicated. More direct phrasing is more engaging, like 'part of her hope he was sincere'. - "rib" - still don't know what one of these is, but I appreciate that they have been much less referred to in this chapter. I still think you need to convey something about them, not just drop the name. You could say 'before the rib come to feast on your buddies' thereby implying they are scavengers, which is more than we know at the moment. Also 'buddies' bodies' is awkward, and makes the writing noticeable, which it shouldn't be, imo. (page 14) - The last journal entry is confused. I don't understand the phrasing. something missing. - The whole end of the chapter is confused. There are several sentences that on their own could be summing up lines, the winding road, her being dead, the journal entry. When you run them all one after another, the end of very much stuttering. I think you need a clearer, sharper image to leave the reader with. The options she has from being dead are good. The bit about being scared come from nowhere, I think that's a bad thing to end on, or even to include here; it has no basis I can see and asks too many new questions at the end of a chapter, imo. Overall This is waaaay better than the first version, well done I think there are still issues, but so many of the awkward / not working stuff from the first version is gone: it's very much tidier. I think the ending is probably the roughest but of the chapter now. L's emotional tone there is all over the place and her fear comes out of nowhere, for me. Good work

Yup. Was it subverted? I'm not sure it was. I had an issue with this. For one thing, if L is 'riding' this body to get into the palace, and its prettiness is a problem, why not chose a different, less remarkable body? I thought there were way too many details that were not explained. I can carry some mystery forward in anticipation of a future explanation, but here, basically, nothing is explained. I can't think go any thing that is explained to a degree that I would understand. That's a problem for me. Yes, definitely. That vagueness is really what I'm talking about when I say no explanation. Yup. Yes, agree. Easy way out. But there was no introduction. Tell me one thing about the world? It has a G-K, he lives in a palace, some of the people are hungry, everyone has a soul lantern. There is almost nothing. Yes!! #iagreewithmandamon I was okay with L's section. I've got no need of any more action than that, personally, but I need information, I need to know what's going on, why I'm reading this, what journey am I going on? That way, I can decide if I want to go on it.

Hey, thanks for submitting, @hawkedup. Excited to read your stuff for the first time! As they say on the Empire magazine (venerated UK film publication) podcast, every day is Christmas Eve! (page 1) - I like the title, very epic! - Hmm. Starting with a suicide note is interesting. The formatting of it is rather affected. I'm not convinced someone who was suicidal would be interested in writing the last lines--some of which belong in one paragraph--in that poetic way. (page 2) - Wait, what? So, this is the actual prologue. The letter, for me, is not a prologue. It's kind of like the prologue has a prologue. - Why is this all in italics? - "bouncers and security" - Huh? So, I'm cruising along imagining this pseudo historical setting where people starve in the streets and then I read this, which plonks me in the middle of Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday night when the clubs are in full swing. This is very modern terminology. Now I don't know what kind of setting I'm in. - "last meal, if you could even call it that" - Half a chicken is not an inconsiderable amount of food. I think this is too much for the way the narrative characterises it. Now, a chicken leg, or a wing, that would be measly and hardly constitute a meal, which I think is what is described. (page 3) - "had filled her belly to excess" - yeah, see this is inconsistent with the 'if you could call it that' comment. - "rats nest" - I feel like this is a nest belonging to rats and there should be an apostrophe, i.e. rats'. - "rat’s nest" - Ah ha!. So, the instances preceding this have no apostrophe. Also, this is a next belonging to one rat, which seems unlikely to me hence, I still think it should be rats' nest. - "harder and harder to breathe" - typo or two. - Okay, I'm really quite confused. The issue of pissing must happen about 20 times a night, or more. If there are 36 people in this nest, someone of them being old, there will be people needing the loo all the time. Are they support to excuse themselves from the nest to go out a pee? Why would anyone let them back in? If you don't get let back in, you're going to freeze. So, who would go out to piss? I imagine the most practical solution would be to say "Push back a minute will you," to the people around you. "I need to pee." People form a wee (pun intended!!) circle, person urinates, which will provide some little warmth to those close by, then the circle closes in again. - Also, the snow globe. I'm struggling with this one. If someone had a snow globe, would they not have sold it for food long ago? Curious that he still has it, so I'm interested to see where that goes. - Don't understand the soul lanterns, but I'm rolling with it at the moment and hoping it will be explained before too long. (page 4) - "doesn’t notice the shape of the attackers’ soul lanterns" - Why would she? I don't understand the significance or mechanics of the lanterns yet, so I don't really follow this comment. - "manslaughter" - No, this is not manslaughter. Have you checked the legal definition? You have to be specific and correct about these things. Manslaughter and murder and different. This is murder, most certainly. There is nothing accidental about it; it's not a crime of passion, or killing in self-defence or a jealous rage. These people are killing sin cold blood. - Furthermore, the term manslaughter is another modern term in what I had thought was a low tech, pseudo historical setting. So that did not fit for me. It's a nice turn of phrase, but I don't think it fits logically. Well, this world certainly is grim. Soooo many fantasy world are grim. People dying on the streets, freezing to death, dying from hunger. It's not original so it has to be really well written to stand out. I thought this was well written. I thought the prose flowed very nicely. That alone encourages me to read on. I have points of confusion, as I've noted, about the setting because of some of the terminology. (page 6) - Is this the same girl from the rats' nest? Confused. If it is, then 'Snowglobe' should be Chapter 1, imo. if it's not, then I'm really confused. What are the timespans involved here? Is this all in the same timeframe? - "The way her neck bent could not be comfortable" - The POV is a bit odd. - The Voice? Confused. So, it's not her voice. (page 7) - "summer held on like a shadow clinging to the prospect of light" - Huh? This seemed like quite a tortured metaphor that doesn't seem to work. Light banishes shadow. Why would a shadow cling to that prospect. Okay, light is necessary to create shadow, but summer is associated with light, but you've associated it with the shadow, with the darkness. Hence, my impression is confused. - "How much longer could she do this?" - Do what? Confused. (page 9) - "weigh in", "positivity", "therapeutic" - very modern terms in a pseudo-histofical fantasy setting put me off. It confuses the setting, I think, and the world-building. - Why is she taking to herself? - "she’d have no part in its source" - Confusing: I don't know that this means. - "Sub-Basement 3" - modern terminology again. - "J and R" - as in José? Tone issue again. Hispanic names? Because the setting has not been established this seems wildly anachronistic. (page 10) - "knew beforehand when “random” bunk inspections would take place beforehand" - as I noted before, I find the prose very clear and smooth. I really do enjoy reading it: my confusion comes from aspects of the content, not the style, which I'm enjoying. Here, however, I would see bring the important bit of the sentence to the front, that she knows beforehand, then what she knows. Much clearer, imo. - "with her charge" - R's charge? Not entirely clear. Also, L clearer did not spend last night, so does she spend other nights with R's charge? - "It was a quarter of five" - Now you see this bugs me. To me this is a pseudo-historical phrasing of a time, but in the same work you are using words like sub-basement, positivity and weigh-in. Not consistent. I don't even know what this is. Is it 5:15, or 4:45? - "no alarm necessary" - What, like a bedside clock, smartphone? - Pacing: okay, I know it's the introduction and you're trying to got a lot across, but this chapter has felt rather slow. It's taken her five pages to get out of bed. - "He called it yoga" - Whaaaa? Another modern anachronism. - What happened to the constant, unending pain? Seems to have gone... - "a hunch or a limp" - Ah! Okay, question answered, but what I don't understand is where the pain comes from. No explanation of that. (page 11) - "been causing back problems before L was born" - - "too many “accidents”" - Eh? Really? Find that hard to believe when their lives could be so much worse (having seen what it's like on the streets), but okay, I'll roll with it. - No need for the brackets, just put the snow globe comment in main text. (page 12) - I'm interested to know what others think about the 'pretty' train of thought. I kind of struggled with her thinking she was too pretty. That's not her fault, it's the reaction of others that is the problem. Is she really wishing she was less pretty? Hmm. - "wearing this face" - What? So it's not her face? I feel like I needed this much, much earlier. To drop this at the end of the chapter, when I've had ten pages about her pain, and her body and all of that, then suddenly she's not wearing her own face? What about the body, is that her's? - "and that that is thanks" - typo. Overall Phew. Well, that was interesting. Very well written prose, I would say. If I was just reading this, I would breeze through it quickly and easily. I got a decent sense of character and motivation. Pacing? Well, aside from my comment about how long she spent in bed (slightly facetiously), I thought it was okay, as there was always a flow of information, so I was entertained. I thought character voice was good too, strong, a bit many maybe, but clearly with significant internal conflict. Setting / world-building: this is where most of my problems are. I think it's all over the place. The world doesn't feel consistent to me. There are modern terms scattered around, yet there are lots of period details that speak of low-tech standard fantasy fare. There are lots of things introduced that are not explained, G-d Kings; hispanic NPCs; Mage C--ps; Lanterns (that for me is the easiest to accept without explanation, yet); body swapping, etc. I don't think the world has any kind of sense of identity and that is a real issue for me. I believe there is good potential here, but I think there are problems that, honestly, if I was reading this in a book shop, would cause me not to buy the book. Thanks for submitting. I hope we'll get a chance to read more if this since I'm presuming we go forward from here and things start happening in the here and now, which really nothing has yet. There are lots of things set up, and I am interested to see what is actually going to happen now that I presume we're past all the set up. <R>

This is great, @Alderant. No problem at all to post this stuff in a thread. There is no rule (that I'm aware of) against creating threads that are not submissions, but serve the overall purpose of the forum. nice job

Good! Get well soon.

All noted, thanks @Alderant.

Me too.

Hi Alderant, really pleased to have your comments. Please don't worry about the timing. Often, I get to the next weekend before I get through my crits. Than my other submission, NEU? That's cool. This one's had more work overs, but also is closer to my heart, it's fair to say. Yeah, I've changed this. It's never really sat comfortably, but you've prompted me to follow up on your comments and look into that. Dropped the 'hrs' and introduced the colon. He's making fun of the fashionista set. 'darling' would do pretty much as well. I'll think on it some more. So, if I understand your point correctly, simply put the different language into italics? I'm happy enough with that. The language is there for local colour, and in attempt to put the reader in the setting. I tried to use phrases that I felt were either not important to understand, or understandable by educated guess-ery. I accept it's a calculated risk in relation to some readers, but I've seen it done in other books, from time to time. I love being pulled up on grammar; it doesn't happen all that often, so I'm very pleased to debate it. I like this comment about semi-colons. I'm going to end up with some really long sentences is my only concern; but I'll definitely look to use there more often. Yup. I'll take that. Prefer your version. I'm pleased that you like it, and that generally it reads well. I'm certainly conscious that it's not action from the first beat, and some say that's the way to engage the reader and carry them forward. I'm banking on them being engaged by the character, because that's where my passion is in this story. It does lead to me being hauled up about action, but there is more in it more quickly than there used to be! In my cover letter I described it as Space (Light) Opera. There are no space battles (for example), so that terminology might get my into trouble. We shall see. I really appreciate your comments, and they are bang on time as I'm going to submit it today. Thank you! (I'll get to NEU in due course, and it doesn't surprise me to hear you flag greater issues there.)

OMG, this is the most awesome and hilarious thing EVER. I just set up my Mac to vocalise text and it is now reading the first three chapters of my novel (TMM) to me! Suddenly, my android character is my narrator

Thanks so much for those comments, @Mandamon, much appreciate you being 'on the (yellow brick?) road' and all. (Oh, no wait, wrong franchise.) Enjoying the pics. Not been to the MK for about 15 years. You seem to be having a great time The comments are excellent, I've done a couple more tweaks that tighten things up some more. Really helpful.

Right. Thanks!

Thank you so much This is very heartening. I'd say this first chapter (which didn't used to be the first, of course) has been edited a goods 6 to 8 times. Got it, and managed to get a short line in about Mary too. Now added. Excellent point. I've toned this down slightly. I'm not quite sure about this one. Where in the next paragraph? I've added a couple of sentences here which I think really help to add nuance to his emotional state. Much obliged for the pointer. I'm willing to give that a try Most excellent comments. Thank you so much!