Robinski

Ha <sharp intake of breath>, that is very true. Also very true Shud-up, will ya? I'm tearing up here... But honestly, I should have added too that this place is just THE best: it had transformed my motivation, my worldview, my starting point; it's laid my biases bare, cut them out and ground them into chuck, casting them into the currents of diversity to be dispersed by the winds of change (too much?). I'm still working on growing better replacements.

You'll get there. Keep going!!

Agree.

I'm keen to see how this turns out (page 1) - Oh, we're right there with the monster! (Goes back to last week's submission...) Ah, yes, this is quite jarring. A was just talking to one of the crew and suddenly the monster is right in front of her. The line that R says sounds more like the opening of this section. Why would he shout this when he does if everyone is standing on the deck looking at the thing? The order is off here, I think. - And then you tell me they've been waiting for five days, but that loses any impact, doesn't convey any ennui, any dragging of time because the action has already passed that point. I'm not keen on how his first page of the submission is arranged. - I do like the line about changing the world, and I am reminded again how much I enjoy the quality of your writing. I think it flows very nicely, and there is almost nothing that trips me up in the way of grammar, phrasing, word choice, etc. (page 2) - I'm confused by the action around the shooting. The first shot is fine, but then there is a gap of several seconds before P turns his harpoon to bear. Does he fire it? There's no indication. Also, how do the harpoon's work? In more modern times, I think they are powered in some way, where in the past they were simply hand-held, I think. Was there are time in between when they were spring-loaded, and is that what is happening here? Because from my recollection this is a 'low tech' fantasy setting. - Then there are the characters. To some extent this will be Weekly Reader Syndrome (WRS) as we call it on RE, i.e. I kind of forget who H is and his motivation, but I would remember if I was reading this straight through, I think, so it's fine. (page 3) - "disappearing from view" - yeah, this happens way to late after it being short, IMO. I struggle to believe it would take so long for the monster to disperse after the first harpoon goes in. - Ah, my first language issue: I'm really not sure 'ambivalence' is the right word for what she's feeling in that moment. She's conflicted (or similar), is she not? - Also, not keen on the water 'rushing'. I think there are better words to describe the sea, like 'surge', for example. - 'spilled' is rather tame. I'm not really feeling the threat and the full extent of the drama here, I think. - and 'bruised' struck me as an odd word. Surely the bruises will not develop until the next day. I feel that a more immediately word would be more compelling. (page 4) - Hang on: logistical issue. Harpoons usually have ropes attached in order to catch/slow down/tire out the target, and you referred to the rope paying out of the barrel when T fired the first shot. If the harpoon stays in the beast, it would start hauling the ship around, but I don't believe from the description that this is happening. - H shouts that he's hit it, but he doesn't fire the harpoon after lunging towards it. - A tap is real very little force, barely noticeable. I'm thinking it must surely have been more than that. - I like that you have her suffering from sea legs. Nice touch of detail that sticks me right into the scene. I've been there! (page 5) - I get the point of R being 'disappointed', but it's really quite a weak word. (page 6) - There are some nice fine details on this page in relation to the ceremony/rite that make me feel connected with the world. The casual mention of an empire that does not feature and has no relevance, but speaks to a heritage and a richness in world. (page 7) - There are quite a few scene breaks, and the scenes are short enough that those breaks are a mite distracting. Not sure there's anything to be done about it, but you have the comment anyway! (page 12) - I'm surprised neither A or K is questioning the presence of J, since no one else has been visible to them in this world/state of being. (page 14) - "Bit wordy in place, such as "was the only way to tell whether theory matched up with reality", compared to "was the only test for the theory", for example. - Hmm where did this shield come from? Nothing was said about anything else taken by A apart from the sac and the two ribs. This feels like cheating. (page 15) - "to keep the o from striking at her from above" - wording: the shield won't prevent the creature from striking, it's there to guard again the blow. - "it dissolved into the same kind of mist to which such monsters" - grammar here. I feel as if 'to which' should be replaced with 'that', i.e. 'into the same kind... that such monster'. (page 16) - "The sigh succeeded where the rustling and fidgeting had failed." - At the risk of blowing smoke, I'm going to belabour this point. I really enjoy your prose. More often than not it is just, right: simple, on point and a pleasure to read. (page 17) - The last line completely confused me. "went in"? I was waiting for the twist, the coupe be gras, the final flourish, and it didn't come. I was waiting for that resounding clash of the unexpected to such a degree that I misread 'went in' twice, trying to shape it into something fantastical. Went into his body? Went into his mind to possess him after her being the demon all along? In my perplexed state I spool back to try and find the end of the story, the crowning moment, because it can't be a simple and straightforward as them killing the monster... can it? Apparently it can. I feel like this is the thing that lets the story down, that the ending is too simple, too comfortable. Maybe the fact that I'm surprised by this indicates some kind of wizardly subversion or the modern trope of nothing is what it seems. Is 'They all live happily ever after' back in again and nobody told me? I'm sorry to be flippant, but I do that only to try and get across my surprise, and the nagging feeling of anticlimax. I don't take back anything I said about my enjoyment at reading the story, which I though was well written, most certainly, but I'm left trying to decide if I'm disappointed or not. I will be very interested now to read the others reactions to the story, but thank you for sharing it with us, and I will be more than pleased to read other writing of yours in the future <R>

Lol, I like your synopsis, very amusing I would be something like this. 1. Have idea, flesh out idea possibly writing sample scenes between characters, open a Notes file and write character outlines/sketches. 2. Outline the plot to somewhere around 50-75% of the story, possibly have an end in mind, possibly not. Probably develop 10 to 20 pages of notes pre-writing. 3. Start writing from the beginning. Write about 30% then start submitting to RE. Stop writing, go back to the beginning and revise with RE comments. 4. November comes around: start Nanowrimo, write 50-70k words. This might finish the first draft, it might not. 5. Continue writing until first draft is finished, target 500 words a day, finished first draft around Spring time. 6. First draft is finished. Edit for everything, because life's too short, then resubmit second draft to RE (see my latest post!!) I don't have your Stage 2, I don't have that kind of time. I would say I was 1 > 3 > 5 in terms of your level of draft. I don't mean that to sound pompous, I just spend more time on the first draft, but I think it's worth spending that time when you're in the story to raise the quality of the writing, not settle. I would suggest that will come with experience and you will find that 2 and 3 start to merge as you get more words under your belt, and your skills increase. How many novels have you finished?

Nope. Never read those. I just thought the name sounded cool. Yeah, sorry. That was a cheap shot, but that name always stands out for me now (scarred for life <shudder>). It's a strong name, which is why it works, no doubt. Huh, I assumed it was too. Yeah, sorry, I should have put 'magic' in quotes.

It's a fake. How am I supposed to know that? She's standing/posing in such a way as to specifically draw his gaze. That doesn't make it 'right'. He's still leering. Each department has its own director. Okay, but I find it unclear. How do they tell the difference? Would they not call them Dir of Inquis Operations; Dir of Admin Operations, etc? He knows. This is a slip of the tongue It doesn't come over like a slip of the tongue. To me, it comes over like the author engineering a situation that allows E to be cheeky. I'm not a fan of the kiss either. I wrote it 10 different ways and just picked the one that bothered me least. Thinking it might be better to cut it and move it to a future chapter when the characters are more familiar to us. This is encouraging to hear. I like that you've tried hard to make something work and come to the realisation it doesn't. We seem to have a consensus I'm reassured to hear that Z is the primary POV. Anything you can do to sway towards her will work better, I think. There's a really danger of losing focus with multiple POV, or that readers favour one and therefore resent the others before they can get back to the one that they like and are engaged with. So-called rules are made to be broken though, clearly, since my last fantasy novel had ten POVs and I think the folks on here were about ready to throttle me I know, right? Why is it the all the villains in all the worlds have to have weight control issues, in one direction or to the other extreme?

I think you have to spell that out for the reader the first time you use the term turn of life.

Ahem, I sort of did Thanks!!

Cool! I was wondering about the avatar pic. (page 1) - Umm, okay I'm a bit confused. We've got a live hydra now. I'll go with it and see how it's explained. Not sure it's immediately clear that we're in a different POV. - You say historians, but sounds like they are archeologists or, yes, paleo... - I like the specificity of the lens, that sort of detail puts me in the story. - "plateus" - plateaux - "a view that went on for miles" - this kind of disproves the 'nary a...' comment. There must be lots of open space, surely. - The hydra's behaviour struck me as odd. Not so much that it was put off but the light flashing in its eyes, but that it reacts the way it does to what is a fairly subtle stimulus, like it is fairly intelligent. And yet it's treated like an animal, but it can go 'hmph'? Confused: it comes over sentient and intelligent. (page 2) - What's the battery thing, what does it enhance? Confusion; the bad kind. - "it wasn’t often clients were willing to feed her" - this actually seems really unusual. (page 3) - What on earth is that super affected language she's using? Ah, I see. Good, I'm glad he didn't fall for that one. - "Son of a...!" - I really think you need to show the pause, the empty space with something, either ellipsis, like this, or a dash of some sort, not just have an incomplete sentence. - "would’ve definitely done her in" - grammar, ugh. - RL - any relation to Robert Langdon? - "eat science" - lol, good line. (page 4) - "just been sitting atop of" - nope, the point of using 'atop' is that 'of' becomes redundant. - "paleontologists shouting in confusion" - I'm confused by how far away they are now. I'm not sure they's be able to see this. She's got goggles, but not sure they do. - "but it wasn’t fast enough to numb each wound" - this feels inconsistent, since it was said that the wounds healed faster than they happened. - "It was her last Enhancement battery" - I like that 'magic' has a cost, has limitations, BUT, this is a completely different system from the drinking of potions in the first submission. It confusing, I think. We haven't had the first magic system established yet, and now we have a second one. - "pulled her own out" - her own what? Not at all clear. (page 5) - "He pointed his own..." - His own what? What on earth is going on? I have no idea. - "a typical gesture of challenge" - Really? - "she’d strapped beneath her shirt to her stomach" - grammar: clause order, readability, flow, smoothness, etc. - "falling a good ten feet" - why? - "recover a bit of stamina" - I would say her stamina is long gone, I think it is to do with instant energy at this point. I would say stamina is built up over hours. (page 6) - There's a lot of fighting now, which I'm not all the invested in, although, to credit it, it's at least interspersed with banter, which improves the situation. I just don't know how much I care about the outcome of this fight, because I know very little about R. (page 7) - There's no way this guy is still wearing his hat, and yet he's flicking at the feather? He just fell ten feet and landed on his chull (I think). - "Hah!" - Ooh, boy. This is going towards flat out comedy, but the quit dodging is a good line, so let's call it 'uneven' and leave it at that. - "we'll happily vacate" - really? Huh. - "Ha!" - I wish she'd stop doing that. It makes me think The Princess Bride or Three Amigos, which in turn makes me wish I was reading / watching one of those. (page 8) - "come and do some work for me" - if this fight turns out to be pointless and totally avoidable I will not be happy. - "There were twelve Channels" - The next four lines are pretty much unintelligible. You've not set up the world at all, so the Olympian thing distracts me, wondering what that is. I think it's the first mention of gods(?), first mention of patron beasts (I'm more confident of that). Have we heard about dragons before? Not sure we have. - Why is her conclusion 'premature'? She can't know this. She might be right. I would drop this word. - "slashing it horizontally to regain space" - don't understand this (page 9) - "stepping a good way’s back" - Nope. The narrative is not consistent. There is plenty of narrative that does not adopt the western tone, so you can't just drop in some when you feel like it. The narrative needs to be consistent, and for the love of G don't have it in that western vernacular, a little of that stuff goes a loooooong way. - "Enhancement batteries" - this is good, this is a strong moment because it was foreshadowed. This is probably the strongest moment of the fight. - "glowy lights" - lol (page 10) - "one of his knives were was missing" - I've been trying not to comment on grammar because I just don't have time, but really, I can't let this go. - "there was a brand- new battery installed" - okay, I like that: that's sneaky and again, foreshadowed. - I don't understand T's big, rambling treatise on... something. It's all over the place. (page 11) - You tell me how to feel about the M/Hs, but you don't tell me what they are. Who runs them? Are they the hand of an overbearing authority? Are the evil raiders? What are they? I need context, how they fit into the world. - Now you're telling me about the W/V, it's shallow. T says that the papers say that R is formidable. I want to see that, not be told it. She was not particularly awesome in the fight, so I'm not feeling it. - 'W/V was two people' - now that's interesting. (page 12) - Confused. I don't think it's clearly explained that the M/H are after R. With people speaking in a rambling way, it's harder to get a proper understanding of what they are saying. - "flat, morose gaze he was now using seemed to pierce through her" - Imprecise phrasing like this is just a big fat turn off. Don't be vague, be definite, be precise. Does it pierce her or not. If she's not sure, how am I supposed to be? Search your novel for 'seemed', 'might', 'maybe', 'perhaps', 'possibly' and DELETE THEM ALL!! - It's not been explained what a clipper is. Don't know, so I just ignore those references. - "She had no problem with killing people, so long as they deserved it." - Again, you are TELLING me she's badass. - "You could have stopped them" - I don't believe this for a single nanosecond. - The Registry has not been explained. I don't know what it is. Overall I'm willing to set aside any disbelief at the cultural mash-up, but I'm frustrated at all the telling that's going on. The arc of the chapters has been pretty similar. Also, what was the point of the first chapter if R is the M/C protagonist? I don't think the character building is up to scratch. I don't feel anything for R. She casually says killing bad people is okay. I'm going to say it, that's lazy characterisation. True involvement and interest comes from the shades of grey that challenge characters. There are a lot of things that are not explained, that's another turn-off. I see this again and again and again on here, novels that try to spill out the entire plot in the first two or three chapters, and that cannot wait to hop from POV to POV to POV. IMO, it's essential to establish reader engagement with a (main) character before launching into a lot of plot detail that I am not going to care about, because I don't care about anybody in the story, yet. Establishing character is not easy, it's not a cursory physical description, it's not a big lump of telling us someone is mean and formidable (yawn). I listened to an excellent Empire podcast (UK movie magazine) yesterday which had an interview with Eddie Marsan (excellent British character actor: Lestrade in Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes). He said that "characters have to be paradoxical, have to have conflicting elements to make them real". That struck a real chord with me, and helped to underline me feelings about character: character is everything, without character (in a story) you have nothing. And conflict does not mean fighting, it's personal and/or internal conflict. I experience the story through the writer's characters, if I'm not invested in them, not amount of plot, setting or action is going to interest me. Sorry, you've caught me in full rant mode, but I feel like I've read so much recently where character is lacking (critted novel in my IRL group, listening to critique podcast, etc.). <R>

Hmm, another POV, okay. Let's say I'm going in sceptical. (page 1) - Interesting. Yes, for me this is as engaging as Z's POV. Well enough written that I didn't have anything to haul over the coals on page 1! (page 2) - "It’s exactly [missing word(s)] you’ve been waiting for" - "past the turn of age" - I've said before that I don't have a clear understand of what this is. Is it a simple as going grey? But there was an implication in earlier chapters that some dire thing happens and people disappear (literally). I'm still confused by this. - "a trait shared [missing word(s)] true rift chasers" - "the new ache in his knees" - If he's having issues with loss of cartilage, or with rheumatism, or some such, it would be odd for both knees to be equally affected, I think. I think, from my limited experience, one is like to go before the other. (page 3) - “New uniform?” - This reads very much like he says it, because you give him a thought in a paragraph about her. I got confused with who was speaking here. - I had the impression that the army was in control anyway, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe my mistake. And yet, it was a soldier that told Z's village that they could not have their fiesta, was it not? - "every curve of her slender form was revealed to him" - VERY male gaze. Does he value her any anything other than her body? I get the impression he does, in which case this kind of line cheapens any regard he has for her as a person. - "like a woman with no shame" - Ooh, yes, this is going downhill fast. - "would have risen his ire in the past" - poor grammar. There's no law against just saying 'made him angry'. The trick is to not have the reader notice the writing, because it's smooth, flowing, elegant and involving. (page 4) - "excellent scribe with a bright future" - Okay, better... "M was a distraction" - Hmm. - "What is it this time?" - Bit confused about the timeline. You say at the top of Page 2 that this is a summons to the palace. Then on this page he doesn't know what it is. - Why are there more than one Director of Operations? That's really odd. The whole going of being a director it to have sole responsibility for a particular area, imo. - "How he missed doing real work" - Double italics like this is weird. (page 5) - "had been a rift chaser" - don't know what this is. (page 6) - "These orders were the best possible thing that could have happened to him" - this is the third or fourth time that he's thought this or something like it, it feels repetitive by now. - "insocient" - did you mean 'insouciant'? This sticks out like a ten-dollar word where the prose has not been all that elaborate up to now. (page 7) - "DoI was hired by the GK" - Why would the GK need to hire them, he commands them all, does he not? Department implies part of a the larger whole of the same administration. Now, it can be the case in some corporation that certain departments have to compete with external providers in bidding to provide services even to their own company, in order to maintain open and competitive practices, but I don't get the sense that's what's happening here, since I don't see that there would be any competitor organisation to the MC in the private sector, I just think it's the wrong word! - Ha!! Well, aren't I a chump! If only I'd read on one more line Let me come at this a different way. I don't get any sense that J is stupid. He's been painted as a very standard pen-pushing chull-pain. Look at this guy, he's a bad guy, you can tell because he's fat, and his sidekick is greasy. I think it's kind of lazy characterisation, if I'm honest. Surely, J would need to be pretty shrewd to rise to the head of the department. He certainly would know that the GK would not hire them out. - Extending this point, E's reaction to J is dismissive, which also seems imprudent, and unlikely. If J has risen to this position past him, and he's been working with the guy, even trained the guy, he must now that his is resourceful in some way, even if it's as a career-building, non-team player. Surely E must know how J rose to the position he's in, because he's observed it happening over the years. I'm not convinced by this exchange / background between E and J. (page 8) - "If you’d like to stay here and wait until I get back, you are of course welcome to stay" - repetition rather awkward. - "Have a beautiful day" - I'm disappointed by E. He's very flippant, almost recklessly careless. He does not come over to me like a shrewd operator. I can see there is resentment between these two, but the way he deals with J is kind of childish actually. There's a reading of this scene in which J is in the right, setting aside what has gone before. J doesn't do anything wrong as far as I can see, he doesn't threaten or seek to undermine E in this scene, and E is the one who is insubordinate. - "Oh, thank you, Enrique" >>> "And then she kissed him" - No, I don't believe this. It's very old-man fantasy. I expect him to wake up at any moment. It's just too easy, and somewhat disturbing. If you're going to go down this route, I think you have to be clear about how this apparent adoration of the young, female subordinate is earned. There has to be a cost, there has to be doubt, maybe some shame/guilt, some reticence. (page 11) - Isn't C a general? Why would he be running through poleaxe drills assigned by a captain? Maybe I'm misremembering. (page 12) - The door is locked from the outside? Confused. Why does the person outside knock? More confused. (page 13) - Who is Ger? - What is a siphon? - "as if that explained everything. She supposed it did" - It really doesn't:" I don't know what's going on. - Who is Z? (page 15) - Completely mystified by what M does with her lantern. It's the first time we've seen anyone does anything like this. But there's no explanation, so I just let it wash over me, not understanding, but reading on to get past it. Overall I'm not invested in these strands of the story. I feel there is so much that goes unexplained, it's just mystifying and therefore not involving. I don't like E, he feels shallow and his priorities are kind of warped, it seems to me. His regard for M is wholly unwholesome, it seems to me. And M, I don't fid her convincing. It seems like she should be self-seeking, using E to fulfil her own lust for advancement. For her just to be trailing around worshipping E feels wrong to me. I can see there is call to feel sympathy for Cr, but for me his situation has not been well explained or shown to the reader in order to earn to emotional pay off of him being used as a tool by the GK, almost cast aside. I think there is an underlying weakness in story and that is a lack of characterisation, of character establishment, clarity of motivation, that makes it difficult for me to invest in what the characters are doing now. That is okay for Z because she is young, and because she is coming from a position of complete ignorance (in a good way) of what's developing around her, so the reader can discover it with her and not be confused. (Although as noted by others in the last sub, there is maybe a need for Z's character background and emotional state to be better established.) With the other characters, maybe because there are so many, their introduction feels rushed. There isn't enough space to establish any of them in a detailed and rounded way, so they end up feeling like cut-outs, sketches, that I don't really understand in terms of motivation. Sorry to be harsh. I like the set up. There is a good idea (several really) running through this story, but I think there is too much going on for me to get properly invested in any of the characters for the reasons noted. If this was a tight single POV on Z from the start I think you would have a much stronger story. I don't think the other POVs really add anything to that. <R>

Sorry for the delay in these comments. On the plus side, I know have two chapters to read through! (page 1) - Interesting epigraph. I now want to know what Term is, and I'm feeling a sense of tension. - The use of 'entrance' and 'exit' is rather formal. I didn't think they fitted with the tone of a young girl's thoughts. - "had both worn matching turquoise dresses" - redundant. If the dresses are matching, clearly they both have dresses on. (page 2) - Very much like the tradition of gloom, and the letter sets of a pang of emotion. Nicely done. - The opening to this chapter if fairly heavy on scene-setting, but I'm okay with that, because you weave other notes through it, like the statue and its overtones, and the burning of the messages. (page 3) - "no issue lying to a priest" - I like what you're doing with the character of the kids, I think it comes through clearly enough. It's not a case of having strong character strokes: I find the notes more subtle, but they are clear, I think. (page 4) - I'm trying to think back to earlier chapters and how invested I am in the idea of demons being the enemy and being engaged in a battle with mankind. I'm not sure I'm really feeling the emotion around it that I would expect. Z does not seem in the least afraid and they talk about facing the demon very matter-of-factly. (page 5) - Z jokes about the demon threat. All well and good, but I don't get to feel any underlying emotion that I feel should be behind a jibe like that. - "Are you saying that this demon thing talks to you?" - I think this is a part of my issue. We haven't seen a demon (that I can recall), we don't know what they look like, what size they are, how the organise or operate. Without knowing what they are, it's hard to know how to feel about them. I don't think you've sold us the demon threat which, by this point in the story, is important to the reader's investment. (page 6) - I think it's clear that M loves R from the description of her at the top of page 6, yet it feels heavy-handed to me. I think the line "This implied that M..." is straight out telling the reader how to feel and that's over the top for me. I'd try deleting that line. - "Like with most moments like this" - awkward phrasing, repetition not elegant. - You're really labouring this M loves R thing. Not sure I see what's so impressive that Z is congratulating herself. Maybe want to make sure that this but is more clearly about Z herself and what this pride says about her. - "straight forward terms" - this is one word. (page 8) - "Even the hands don’t know what’s down here" - confused. What are the hands? They sound like officials of some sort. - Confused why Z does not know the word for grandmother. You go on to talk about this, but you've never explained what 'turn of age' means, so all I can do is dismiss this is something I don't understand. It's frustrating four chapters into a story, when all the characters know what this is, not to have it explained. I think it's s flaw. (page 9) - I'm having trouble believing that there's no tension about the demon. Not recognising the lump in the bed seems unlikely, because it's such a classic. Any tension is completely lost because of the discussion about grandparents. - R rising about and shouting seems bizarre to me. Surely they would not want to alarm the demon if it's sleeping or just wakened. Why are they not reading carefully and quietly? - Interesting about the hearing of the demon. It's beginning to look as if Z is some kind of special one. In all honesty, I'm kind of fed up with special one stories. I think it's far more interesting and involving to see character that are not special achieving things rather than being privileged from the start, but I'm jumping ahead and making assumptions. Let's see where it goes (page 10) - "who still has a soul light" - Do you mean doesn't have a S/L? I thought Z did not have hers yet. - "stopped in mid air" - one word, usually. - "knew this on an intellectual level" - seems like a very sophisticated thought for her, based on tone previously. (page 13) - "used to be the GK" - - "even if I don’t plan on making it through the week" - This is inconsistent wording. Even if someone expects to die, they don't phrase it in these terms, it's not a matter of planning. You might say 'don't expect to make it...', but planning is a whole other thing. - "one who is not infected" - Ooh. Okay, this would circumvent my 'chosen one' concerns. - The TV is potentially a good idea, but where did it come from all of a sudden? There's a real problem, for me, with reader disbelief. I can't see the war, I can't see the demons, I can't see the effects of the virus. I'm being told all these things and it not in a particularly graphic or involving way. More on this in my summary below. (page 14) - "I am thirty-two" - This is a good gut punch, but see above, and summary below. - "the sounds of battle filled the bunker" - Same issue. I'm not feeling this, I need to hear the sounds to be affected by them The description that went before needs to be ramped way up, imo. "how much each cough hurt" - this for example is better, makes me feel something. - "I’m sending this drone through a rift" - confused. Are they fighting on the demon's side of a rift? (page 15) - "They’ll wipe our minds" - for me, this is good stakes, good tension/conflict. - Decent end to the chapter. It reminds us that they are just kids and so reinforces the tone of the story, I think. Summary Once again your prose and dialogue skip along at a good clip. Your work continues to be very easy to ready; I enjoy it, I enjoy not stopping three times per page because of grammar and phrasing issue. Nice work on that, and will continue to look forward to reading your submissions. As far as content goes, I'm still interesting. There are some instances of telling in this chapter, I think, which is always less compelling. I don't know that I'm really emotionally invested in the whole demon war thing. We can argue the toss about whether or not the demons should be revealed early on, but what I'm not really seeing or feeling is the cost of the demon war, the evidence that these are terrible creatures, or (if they're not) the evidence that is being used to hoodwink the people into believing that the demons are terrible. I know you say people have died, but are there no more visceral and terrible accounts of battle and slaughter that might be 'played' for the reader so we get to the feel the fear that the people presumably do? I think that is the only major issue. There's not much in the way of description of everyday things. The description's not bad when you stop to pick out some particular tableau, like the preparations in the square for the fiesta, but everyday things being described puts the reader in the scene. For example, was the metal ladder down into the hideout cold or rusted? Little things can add greatly to reader immersion with very few additional words. In terms of the overall story, I remain interested and invested in this POV, and largely much, much less interested in the other POV. It's like two different stories: one of them is interesting and involving, and the other is not working, kind of incongruous and feels different in tone (L's POV). If this was my story, I would be trying to figure how I could drop L's POV altogether and just write Z's story. Nice work here though. I'm looking forward to the next instalment. <R>

Hey everybody! I'm just going to dive in. Apologies to Silk, but the slot's still there, dang it! So, now that this second novel in my future P.I. series is complete in first draft (as of April), I would like to pass it through that sharp and reinforcing filter that is Reading Excuses! Some of you 'old stagers' have read this first chapter three times before (June '17, Jan. '18 and Feb. '18), sorry, but if you're willing to give it another go I would be grateful. I am very much interested in fresh eyes on it though. While it is the second novel in a series, it is designed to be self-contained, so those with no prior knowledge of Q&M should have no problem absorbing it, I trust! Tagged L for Language (always); and Sr for sexual references. Chapter 1 - EXT, night: How appropriate on July 1st that we find our protagonists north of the 49th parallel... Many thanks for any and all comments. Nothing specific, just everything and anything Cheers, Robinski p.s. - Sorry I'm a bit behind with my critiques. I'll be catching those up over the next couple of days now that other deadlines are behind me.

Ahem so maybe I could steal home and take that last spot for tomorrow? Since Mandamon's about finished I just know y'all must be hankering after another long term project...

Project 75192: Update 9 - Bags No.5 - "Flashy Back End " So, this time I'm building these angled 'arms' that use ratchet pieces to form the appropriate angles that define the outer edge (2,3). They click nicely into place on the ratchets at one end and with pegs at the other (4). Then we move to the back end, putting in place an anchor block which turns out to be the connection for the flexible hoze-y bits that form the impression of the Falcon's drives (5,6). The finished area looks excellent (7)!! Some clever people online have installed lights to illuminate the drives. That looks seriously fabulous, but it's above my level, for now... Strong hints of Falcon starting to emerge in the shape (8).

Some 'trivia' from me that does not involve Lego!! I just booked a place at Amal El-Mohtar's launch event in Glasgow for This is How You Lose the Time War, written with Max Gladstone. She is a (formerly active) member of Glasgow SF Writers Circle Woop-woop! Something to look forward to after WorldCon

Me too!! Squeeee Hey, @Asmodemon - I took a note somewhere that you are attending WorldCon, do I remember correctly? If so, we really should include you in the pre-con planning of the Reading Excuses meet-up.

Project 75192: Update 8 - Bags No.4 (pt.2) - "Fourth Platform and a Bit of Rear " Not much going on in the fourth platform, which makes me think something will be dropped into it later. A fair number of the 7,500 pieces are small bits that go onto external detailing (4,7). This part of the tail construction (4,5) turns out to be a section of the underside (8). It's hinged in two places (7) to allow the sides to angle up when they are fitted (8).

Woop-woop!! I am excited

I read something about this is one of the reports. Let me look into it.

Err, I guess I should go look for mine... Ah, they sent it to the email address I used for my wife's membership. Odd. So, yeah, two panels, one about 'the gumshoe in SFF' and another about a little niche concern 'the role of technology in the future of human society' Actually, I'm very pleased with that. I actually feel like I could contribute reasonably well to both! Although, now feeling sudden immense pressure to start cramming NB: Now that the schedules are coming together, we really should discuss and put something in place for the purposes of meeting up. How tragic would it be if we were at WorldCon and didn't manage to get everyone in the same room at least once?!! So... (a) - I suggest coms via a PM group for those attending, since the schedule is still confidential; (b) - I think we can book some space so that we could have one more 'formal' meet-up for the purpose of RECon#1 itself What do you think?

True, but you could just hang them out the window...

Project 75192: Update 7 - Bags No.4 (pt.1) - "The Third Platform" More habitation space and gangways (2) and passages (7). I don't remember what the hinged washing machine like doors are (4,6). Escape pods? So far there is no analogous detail on the outside of the frame, but that's because there is no detail at all on the outside of the frame, yet.

Arrrghh. Put that down to reader confusion. Getting my Effs mixed up, I think. My bane for this book! It worked for Aaron Sorkin

Ah, I see. I didn't read it with a sense of irony, I just read it straight. Yes, I saw it as I read on of course, but it's still odd for me that no one else seemed to think it was odd to eat with a prince. Ah. Well, I think you just need to come out and define that when you first use the term 'off hand'. I think with something like this, because it's so specific, just come out a straight on tell the reader what this means.