Robinski

Project 75192: Update 11 - Bags No.7 - "Build, Fit, Repeat" Now we start in on the outer skin, in this case on the front 'wings'. There are two openings (1,3,5) on each panel that will allow a view of whatever detail might go inside. There must be something worth seeing or they wouldn't leave the holes, right? The 'fairings' (sort of) that make the square holes round(ish) are built in two halves (2,4). One pegs into holes on the 'wing' itself, but the other can't do that, so ingeniously they have a piece with side studs (6) that connects straight to the underside of the boards that forms the wing. Neat problem-solving. Then clip to the underside (4,5) and repeat (7,8). I know I've mentioned that this thing is massive. See the scale in relation to my arm: it's heavy!!

Much obliged. 2005! Jeez, I am out of that loop.

Yeah, see I don't even know about this. Yeah, I didn't either.

Excellent. I'm quite into shorts at the moment (hang on, that sounds wrong...) Anyway, interested to see how this goes. I like the title, it draws me in and makes me want to read. (page 1) - The first line is... I'm not sure, a bit odd? I certainly captures my attention, but I think the second paragraph is very strong. The line about the fur being grimy, a very powerful image, and tells me immediate that the monster is a figure of sympathy. - "manufactured" - interesting. - "slot in the metal door opens" - In a short piece in particular, every word and action has to do as much work as possible, imo. Here there is a lost opportunity. The slot can clang open, snap open, flick open: something to make me feels it. This version is just too bland. (I see you do this the second time, much better.) - "A rectangular explosion..." - This line is a really mixed metaphor, it's unclear, and therefore confusing. It's an explosion, but it's a lighthouse, but it's sterile. These are all different things, imo. - "eyes are framed" - tense disagreement. (page 2) - "on well oiled-hinges" - hyphenated, I think. Also, it's weird that the hinges are well oiled, but the latch on the door scrapes. - "Click, click, click." - This works nicely second time, to add tension very simply, by showing, because you set it up well the first time, imo. - "JOSEPH" - This was a bit on the nose for me, given the story of Joseph and the obvious allusion with the monster's situation. Also, I noted the sister's dress with the purple flowers, alluding to bruises. My main quibble here though is the formatting. You really don't need bold, capitalised typo, IMO. That's really unsubtle. - Do librarians have pencils any more? - "importantly--” The Brother shrugs. “--it's" - syntax / punctuation, ya-ya, ya-ya, yah. I think it's a matter of keeping it as clean possible: "More importantly," the brother shrugs, "it's for the good of others." (page 3) - At this point I'm wondering if the monster actually is not physically monstrous, and this this trait is something psychological or behavioural (if those aren't the same thing). Oh, but I'm forgetting the blue for, of course. It's not Sully from Monsters Inc., is it? - "The gray shackles clamp around his wrists" - Who's doing this, and the dragging? I feel like I've slipped out of POV. - "unfortunate tastes" - Yes, I wonder if this is going where I thought it might be on the last page. This hints that it may well be. - "Monsters are human, too, you know" - Some of this cod philosophy makes no sense. - "too-bright hallway" - this needs a hyphen, I believe. - "The pink brick walls that have never been washed" - What about them? This is not a complete sentence, and I had trouble with the line before about the stumble, grammar-wise. - "how colorful the Street had been" - This is not the Blumhouse remake of Sesame Street, is it? (page 4) - "What happens here is not science" - They can still stain their clothes though, hence coats would be a sound idea. - "as if they are the heroes" - Believing they are right doesn't make them heroes, imo. It's something else. - "Cookies..." - Yep. Okay. For one thing, I don't understand the line. I've g**led it, so now I get it. Also, it seems like the line is slightly different; is that intentional? - More importantly, why? (page 5) - "Frog Man" - Since when was this what Ker is? He's 'just' a frog, surely? Anyway, a frogman is someone in a wetsuit. - "Creator… James" - I'm really not happy about this you know. I'm just saying. - "when parents raise their own children again" - Huh ? (page 6) - "Show them that their desires are bad" - I'm kind of confused by the message. I'm not convinced that some of the arguments are consistent. Don't they want them to desire things that are bed for them and lead them into being controlled, like sugary foods and drinks, too much salt, etc? (page 7) - "looks at the monster for a long minute" - Ker is about two foot nothing, monster is up on a table. I don't believe that Ker can look at monster when M is on the table. - "wallet-sized picture" - needs to be hyphenated. (page 8) - "The look in their eyes matches the one" - typo. - I'm confused. I don't understand why they are suddenly sheepish, then adoring. - "Cookies are s-sometimes food" - But this isn't the line, so he's not saying it again, he didn't say it right this first time. OVERALL My biggest thing, above even my squirming discomfort is that I'm a bit confused about the message. I don't think it's totally clear. I think it's that the goal of the unspoken presence (what it that, politician? religion?) is to bring kids up not to question authority, not to question their boring, subjugated lives, am I close? One of the things I don't get is the bit about desires. Let's say that the message was clear, I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with the tone of the story. That's a matter of personal choice, of course. The important thing is the clarity of the message. Thanks for sharing... I think?

Ooh, not often I'm first up. Interested to see what you've done with it. (page 1) - Last bit of the first paragraph it weak. Why the hyphen between random and bush? Doesn't seem right. And surely they are still bathroom-breaks, bush-breaks doesn't mean anything, imo. the 'bathroom' bit in the traditional phrase refers to the function, I think, as much as it refers to the place. - "she’d quickly learned to buy her own when she’d moved out here" - I don't think you learn to buy your own, you just buy your own, it's not an ongoing skill, like conserving water or something like that. - "they’d sorely stick out" - split infinitive = fingernails down a blackboard, imo. After one page, I think it's definitely better. It flowed more smoothly for me, I know where R is and where the group are, who they are and what they're doing, I know the blocking of the surrounding and something about the environment. All good starting stuff, all well established. I'm ready for sh1t to happen. (page 2) - "...swill, cringed at the taste, and flicked" - Not needed; rather telling. - "managed to pick out a single word" - imo. - "chipping away at the thing" - missing word. - "Looks fine." - This is a nothing line for me. Don't know that it's worth including it. If her thought was ore intersecting then fine, but this doesn't add anything. - "squares of orange string wrapped around..." - I know what you mean, but 'squares' makes me think of little patches, more like cloth than string. I did not interpret this as a barrier. - "grew noticeably nervous in at her passing" - grammar. Also, them getting nervous feels like repetition of the scientists getting wary, as in it's the same beat, which felt a bit off to me. (page 3) - R is described in terms of her weapons, but hardly anything about her physical attributes. Interesting what that says about her self-image more than anything else, I would say. - "the greatest threat to clients were was themselves" - single/plural disagreement. Threat is singular. It still sounds awkward though, I get that. Maybe best to rephrase completely. - "was always probable" - I think this has more impact without the 'always', it makes it more definite somehow. - "and when she decided she knew absolutely nothing about them" - wordy. - "she said, trying to look as casual as possible, leaning up against a pole supporting one of their sleeping tents" - you tell us what she's about to do, then you show her doing it. The first bit is redundant, I think. The reader will take the right inference, imo. - "There were a few exchanged glances" - This is quite impersonal and distancing. Show they people doing the glancing, like, 'The twins exchanged a glance, while the red-head looked around the group.' Something. What I'm always working on is trying to make things less vague and more specific, making all the words work harder. - "a nearby square of string" - again, I don't believe this conveys what you're looking for. - "R said, feeling awkward." - Show me, don't tell me! - Two cups a day is pretty bland: hardly a dependency. - The trouble with small talk is it tends towards being boring. (page 4) - "miss’ made her skin crawl" - heading towards cliché, maybe just okay. - "by his ankles until all the blood ran into his head until the sheriff" - repetition. (page 5) - "wouldn’t have assumed that at all" - I didn't understand what this was, it's a vague word, not easy to connect with him stating where he came from. You can address be just saying 'R frowned, he didn't have a trace...'. Neater, less wordy. - More repetition in the form of "Let me know..." and "give me a holler." One of these is redundant. - "quickly scurried off, flushing" - Eh? No! That is the most obvious way to admit guilt. She's supposed to be tough, and now she's scurrying? I don't buy this. - "paranoid... cats" - LOL. Like that. - "eat up whatever crap she told served them about herself" - suggest carrying the metaphor through to the end. - "Right as R crested the pit, she froze" - don't like this phrasing: it's kind of mushy, loner than it needs to be. I think this moment works better if it's short and crisp. Also, not sure I understand the size (depth) of the pit. Can't all the other folks see this man? How does she get back up the steep sides of the pit? - "fell straight down the back of his neck" - is it not just down his back? Sounds like it's long enough to go way past his neck. Neck-length hair is not that long. (page 6) - "Peg. feathers" - Would you not say the singular in this form? I think you do. You don't say cattle hide, you say cow hide. - "letting it break apart in the dirt" - If you drop something then you broke it, you didn't let is break. If someone throws the mug to her, and she chooses not to catch it, steps aside, then she's allowing it to break, but she did the throwing. Also, 'break apart' is slow. If you drop a glass on the kitchen floor, does it break apart? I submit that the glass 'smashes'; one word, instant destruction. - "quickly disassembled it" - seems reckless to me. While she's taking that time, he could have a knife in the back of his belt. Surely the disassembly takes both hands, so she's got to take her bow off him? Asking for trouble there, taking a chance. - "by her destroying his weapon" - By definition, disassembly is not destroying, surely, but the ordered dismantling of something in a way in which it can be reconstructed later. - Cool glasses. - "never seen one that large before" - one what? More specific is more compelling. - Last sentence on the page is pretty darn wordy. (page 7) - "danger-klaxons started going off in her head" - Meh, the low-hanging fruit of the internal alarm pantheon. - "didn’t take her eyes off the Stranger" - why is this Capitalised? It doesn't stress it, it just makes me stop and wonder why it's capitalised. I take a book of my shelf at random: Elantris (okay, that wasn't random, but seems appropriate). The only words that are capitalised are the names of people of places: nothing else. I skimmed the first chapter, about 14/15 pages, nothing. The more you capitalise the less impact it has. - "like he was trying seriously to seriously figure" - I split the infinitive occasionally. Occasionally there's merit in it, but I recommend not doing it if you can avoid it. I think it reads way smoother (and technically better) when we don't split. - "eyes filed into points" - I can't imagine what this looks like. (page 8) - "in a cheery voice" - his sudden shift in tone away from the offence takes my be surprise, kind of a jolt. - I like the east science line, but the science is not really directed at him, so its focus seemed a little off to me. - "specs, which were highly UV-resistant" - I know this, seems redundant to me. You don't need to explain to me what sunglasses do. - "plucked her thankfully intact spares tucked from her front shirt pocket" - Firstly, is 'tucked' an extra word to be deleted? Second, how did the specs get into her pocket? It was said that he knocked them off. - No, really confused now. It says she hopes her Cors are okay, but then thankfully intact applies to different glasses, that's really confusing. (page 9) - "an imitation of the... channels that would never work" - This is much better. It shows me how one relates to the other, as a (pale) imitation of an ability she can never have. Good. - "around their findings" - finds, I would say. Findings are the more intangible intellectual outcomes, imo. - "twirling both her hand-bows" - verging towards cliché, but there is something slightly camp in the tone of the story, I feel. Maybe that's the wrong word, something broadly colourful and playful in using a western setting. I don't get gritty from the story, I get a sense of a rather arch and knowing wink towards the genre stereotypes that's quite fun, and which I'm willing to go with. I still don't get the rationale for all the Greek stuff, but I'm willing to accept it no questions asked as the central conceit of the world. I'd kind of like an explanation at some point before the middle of the story, though. - "then took off for the rim of the pit" - so, is she running away or towards him? Away, I guess. - "from the dig site at its two o’clock" - not sure the site has a 2 o'clock. Is it his or, if she's running away, her's? - "at its twelve" - I find this confusing, because I don't see how the site has a clock face, or why she would orient in any other way that to her own alignment? - "took off down the dried, hilly ravine that fed into the dig site" - if it feeds into the dig site (the implication being in the sense of a flow), and she's running away from the dig site, she must be running up the ravine, surely. - "there was no dust or sand" - This made me stop. Seems a bit odd that a ravine would not collect sand that was blown around when it's windy in the desert. Dunno, I'm no expert. And then "sunbaked stone" - if it's in a ravine, that implies to me shadow and shelter from the sun for most of the day. - "bouncing off a rock" - this is kind of vague, also, I don't buy that she can be aware of where the quarrel goes, it would be travelling so quickly, and she would be ducking and doing, running, etc. She might hear something, maybe. - "sneak up on him" - what is she, 12? - "echoing off of the cliff walls" - Try it this way and tell me it doesn't flow better, sound smoother. - "out of her cover" - three mentions of her cover in six lines, it's getting boring. (page 11) - "could keep you alive by awakening survival reflexes" - telling again. - "Yeh and me" - this reads like 'yes' to me. 'Yea', I think, is the conventional colloquialism. - "city clipper" - This came up before. It sounds like city slicker: it doesn't sound like something mean and bad. In the UK, historically, bus conductors (who sold tickets and kept order) where called 'clippies', which is what it makes me think of. - "ten-year-old daughter" - She's known about this right when his name came up the first time, but has not thought about it until now? Seems a bit unlikely to me. I think we need at least an o - "confederates" - Huh? Like from the South? Confused. Does this really deserves to be capitalised? I can't really judge, because I don't understand the reference. (page 12) - "He dodged" - She goes all Highlander on her and he just 'dodges', and she's just flipping quarrels out the air unaided by her enhancement? I'm not convinced by the fighting here. It's very insubstantial, no consequences. - "looked like flying garrote" - ??? - "ducked, weaved, pivoted, jumped off rocks. After a half-minute or so of evading" - This is kind of boring. Like I said, no consequences = no stakes. - "Three crossbow bolts sprouted from her stomach" - I'm getting pretty darn frustrated at this point. He farts around for ages not hitting her (deliberately, it seemed at first), and suddenly he just shoots her? All that time she spent going all samurai on him, she's weaving the sword all over the place, but her body must be balanced and solid to do that, surely, for the most part. Therefore, she makes an easy target for a bow. (page 13) - "that R recognized as an..." - Don't need to be told this. Let me work it out, you've set it up already. - "Ya gotta earn yer pay" - "puttin’ ya outta yer misery" - this stuff is more interesting. I don't get any real sense of JT's anger during the fight. He doesn't even seem emotionless, but (page 14) - "miming taking a drink" - Huh? Why? (page 15) - "This was all set up in advance" - Really? All these people? Seems really elaborate. - "make channels" - okay, there's more to it, that's better. - "the marrow" - Ha. I've got a fantasy novelette about an MU using marrow. This dragon thing does prod my subconscious unease about the world, dragons, and all the Greek trappings. I mean how, and why and where? (page 16) - I really don't buy that she has a legend. She doesn't seem that special, just another tough in a world of toughs. I feel like I'm being told she has a legend, not shown. I mean why would towns be fearful of her if she works on the side of 'good', i.e. society / upstanding folks? "Yer a wanted lady" - right, maybe I've forgotten earlier references. - "You just want me to play boogeyman" - what he describes is not her doing that. The black riders would be the boogeymen, she would be telling stories about the boogeymen. (page 17) - "three more appeared between his fingers for a total of four" - for the love of the baby J, don't tell me how to count to four! - "get away... , or survive up to fours lethal injuries" - Why 'or'? These things are not mutually exclusive, are they? Also "I get all four?" - I'm not really sold on how life-changing this is supposed to be for her. There's a cursory (and slightly confusing) comment about escaping something, but it's not much to go on. She burns out a battery earlier in the chapter, and it doesn't well like a big deal. it doesn't feel like she's lost something incredibly valuable to her. (page 18) - "kicked her sword up into his left hand" - I didn't buy this. I suppose he could if it's not lying flat on the ground, but I kind of picture it laying flat on the ground, as a default. - "until they were both bloody" - huh? What's the point in that when they are only shaking one hand, as per convention? - "he’d never had a healing E in him" - grammar: 'he hadn't had', or something else other than 'never'. - "In the unlikely chance" - never heard this, the phrasing's confusing to me. 'In the unlikely event' is the traditional phrasing. I would say 'On the unlikely chance' if you want to use chance. I think it's the difference between something certain (an event) and something uncertain (a chance). (page 19) - "Criminals would run rampant" - There's reference to two dozen of these goons. I have no feeling for how significant this is. If you kill two dozens police, I would expect there to be loads more, and so that would not be a significant number. If there are 30 of these cyborgs, there are still 6 left. Would criminals really run riot? If there are only 30 in the whole organisation, the bosses would be insane to send out 80% of their strength and leave only 20% to defend their seat of power. The logic of this plan confounds me. - "The sorts of people she’d spent a near-decade killing for" - This is a massive turn-off for me. So she's scum, she's supporting criminals who inflict misery on society, who abuse and corrupt and generally ruin lives left, right and centre? - "swipe that there dem" - I know it's a parody, but this grammar is so wrong. It has to be based on reality. 'that there' refers to singular and 'dim' above refers to plural. - "black specter that was responsibility" - I get no sense that she's got any of this. - "even corrupt M" - So confused. - I like the image of the mysterious man at the end. OVERALL I like this SOOO much better with the 'old timer' being mysterious instead of violence bursting out immediately, it's much more engaging, and entertaining to do it that way. The fight though... Fights are intrinsically boring unless they are doing something else at the same time, and I don't think this one is, or rather there's still too much fight, for me. It's better, but still has issues for me, a lot of them details though, it must be said. There's a fair bit of telling things that I can work out for myself, which is more satisfying for the reader. Cutting down on the telling will help things flow much better, imo. And, really, telling the reader that 3 +1 = 4, I mean, jeez. There are some logic issues in the details, I think, as noted. Big issue #1: I have no real sense of how the world and society works. There are all these references to different organisations; political set ups; criminals; families, confederates; robots-cop enforcers. It's all very confusing, and underlying it all is the completely unexplained Greek influence. I know I said I can roll with it, but as more and more unexplained aspects of society emerge, that gets harder to do. Big issue #2: I hate what R stands for. She sounds like a straight up criminal enforcer, killing people at the behest of gangsters, drug dealers, etc. I want nothing to do with someone who does that, and it's spelled out that way in one part. She's not shown to be especially competent, we're pretty much just told that. As a character, R does not engage my interest and very definitely not my sympathy. Positives: It definitely reads better, I reckon. It's clear to see where issues from the first version have been addressed, and I like what you've done with a lot of the comments. I do not think there anything that fatally 'breaks' the story, everything I've said (if you deem any or all to be issues to be fixed) can be addressed. Thanks for sharing the update. It's always interesting to see where people go post-critique

I didn't notice much, as you can see. Good job.

Ooh, flash! (Aah, haaa!!! Queen 'joke', anybody? Anybody Nobody?). - I'm not entirely sure what's being described. I don't do baths, or therefore bath scrubs. I don't like being at a disadvantage after the first line! Also, I don't know what MM is talking about. Too much disorientation in the first line, for me. - Ooh, interesting second line. - "blue glass off of the sidewalk" - read it this way a few times and tell me it doesn't sound better / cleaner / more flowing and engaging. - "Starbursts of sunlight twinkled" - Hmm, mixed metaphor, is it stars or sunlight. There can be one one. - "They can boil you..." - These things are not using the person though, they're killing the person. - "She pocketed the glass" - I think? - "crossed the lawn" - I thought they were on a sidewalk. I don't really know the setting, which is important, surely? Lawn makes me think at home, but could be a park. - Confused. How does the wiz get the blood? Surely, if someone was cut they could clean it up before the wiz came to get it. - You burn whatever blood spills" - How the heck do you do that? - I'm half way through the story and I have no real sense of the world, of what's going on. - "other mother" - more confusion. - "like a felon" - more confusion. - "Do you think the wizards" - missing word. - "I stared at the galaxy screen-printed" - I read this as something called a 'galaxy screen', suggest some form of differentiation, maybe this. - "to scare me into wearing shoes" - Lol. - "crumbling heads off of corroded tacks" - again, suggest a more universal, cleaner approach. OVERALL - Eh, hmm. I dunno. I never really had any investment in the main character, so I don't really feel anything at the end. I'm not a flash aficionado, but it seems to me that the piece needs to work harder, that every word need to do double duty, and that extraneous words need to be excised with clinical precision, to give more space for hard-working words: no freeloaders! All I really take from this is one of two nice images, but I'm left feeling kind of 'So what'? What is the message? Maybe it is really that people should wear shoes because you never know what you're treading in. Tone: MM is a kind of slightly fluffy, verging towards comical name, and yet the second sentence is a quite gritty and grimy image. Mom could be on the mental illness spectrum, and yet there are other moment of cuteness that feel uneven to me. Mechanism: Why would wizards bother with filing the heads of tack on poles? Go cut a drunk on the street at night. Go to the nearest A&E or boxing gym. There must be way more reliable ways of getting blood consistently. It seems very haphazard. Thanks for sharing. I'll be interested to read what the others think I continue my journey into discovery through the outskirts of the flash district, although I'm taking the long way home to avoid it. I don't really think I do flash. Probably that means I should try writing it.

You'd better get your skates on!!

Interesting. I'm trying now to think of examples of this being done in written form (as opposed to TV, where it happens all the time, obvs).

Huh, really? I'm all mixed up on my time lines. I should have clocked that from your comments, of course. Don't worry critiquing will get easier The next couple of chapters have more issues, I'm sure!

Hey, JW, thank you for reading. You've read Q before? Huh, I do not remember that! Interesting, and fair comment. Certainly I was writing this as the end of the previous case sort of thing, so it's jumping in at the point of G's demise. I doubt the reader will think Q is in any real danger, but I'm all for keeping the tension up, so I will take a look at this. Ah, these are supposed to be 'tech gloves' with active warming (as it were). I've referred to them as self-warming. On re-reading, yes, I'm happy with the correction. Much obliged for this one too, I learned something today. I'm usually the one moving about insufficient hyphenation, so this was a good learning point Lol, yes, fair comment. I've changed the second F-bomb to 'b-l-o-o-d-y', as I want to retain the rhythm of the sentence. Yup, I'll take this one too (with a slight tweak). It does, doesn't it? They're now $479.99. This is a numismatist in-joke, as Canada withdrew the penny from circulation in 2012 and transactions now are rounded to 5c. Although, I wonder if that applies to digital transactions or only cash ones? I can't remember, I haven't been to Canada sine 2017. Interestingly (I think) the case for withdrawing the penny was that it cost 1.6c to produce. Another interesting fact, the Currency Act (of Canada), stated that the penny was only legal tender for transactions up to 25c, i.e. if you handed a trader 30 pennies they could tell you to go raffle yourself (Scots expression, you get the gist). Sorry, huge digression. Yeah, I was treating myself to a Dirty Harry homage. On the basis that you're the only complainant so far, I think I'll keep it for a little longer I like that. I've tried an additional line. I think it fits. Much obliged for the comments. Very helpful, thank you.

Hi folks, Chapter 2. Same routine, if you're willing. Any and all comments gratefully accepted. Chapter Recap: - is this helpful? I'll do it anyway. 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; Cheers, Robinski

Hey Hawkedup, thank you so much for reading, really interested to get some new eyes on this. Interesting. I'm not wedded to it, so I've cut it. I'm happy with how that first sentence looks now. Good comment. Excellent. There's a whole background to it from Book 1, but glad it works on a primary functional level. Fair enough. I've noted this for the next full edit. It flows straight out of Book 1, so was really keen to get a handle on someone coming fresh into Book 2 would engage with the main characters. This is super valuable feedback. Thank you! I've tweaked the wording. I think it works better now. Earbud. Good catch, now edited. Good point. I have tweaked to refer to her view of the path ahead (i.e. at ground level). Interesting point. I respect that view. I tried to mesh it into her thoughts about the cold, which it arises logically from, and then segue back into the present station with Q in the house. In that respect, I think the narrative flows into and out of it smoothly, BUT that doesn't change the fact that it's a bit of a dump: guilty as charge. I was trying to give the (new) reader some background. Ironically, I think it probably works better for those who have reader Book 1, as it's a call-back to events that they experienced. So, it's working against the intention of including it!! Really appreciate you commenting on this; very helpful. Cool, I will review. Right. I will take another look at it. Noted for next full edit. Thanks very much for the first instalment. Much appreciated

Thanks so much for reading again(?), Ssmooth. Yes, very much so. That is where she starts Book 1. It's canon Oopsy daisy - thanks. Aarrgh. Looks like I'm actually going to have to make the hard choice on this keep last line / cut last line thing! This is a good point. He's by no means a well known figure. As you say, if G had met him somewhere else, the addition of a moustache would do pretty much nothing to hide his identity. Really, it's probably more of an author affectation for humours effect than of any real concrete benefit on a practical level. I'll keep this in the back of my mind, but roll with the fact that no one else (so far) has comment on it. I appreciate this feedback though; great attention to detail!

Hey, ID, thank you so much for reading again. This is an excellent point. I've fallen into Book 2 syndrome, I think, because I know exactly what they look like, and so does anyone who read Book 1, but of course that ain't everybody. I will do this, thanks And to think Kodak used to rule the world. How are the mighty fallen, but yes, I enjoyed thinking that they might rise again. Actually, from their website, it looks like they are still pretty active, just not as dominant, as ubiquitous, as they used to be. Oh, yeah Right. I'll take another run at that section. <10 minutes later> Okay, I've added a sentence which hopefully draws her thoughts together before she proceeds. Thanks for that. Great comments

Thanks for reading, M. Good, I was hoping this opener was in decent shape by now. Awesome. No. I forget to call it out sometimes. He's still kind of in denial, or maybe actually ha not even got as far as denial, just feels the way he feels, I've added this to the line "...the ladies, of course, and the dwindling small cadre of men he would deign to consider friendship with." Hopefully the addition above will rebalance the signals. I've added a handful of words, which hopefully make that a bit clearer. Many thanks!

Thank you so much for reading yet again! Yep, it's all there. I might be subbing till Christmas, but I'm game if you are, and slots permitting. Ha-ha. I added the last line in response to a comment last time around. Previously, it has ended on M's line and Q's action. I'll consider again. might punch up Q's line. Might drop Q's line. Much obliged. Glad this is in decent shape. Following chapters are more set-y up-y. So I won't get overconfident

(page 1) - "the results they enact on this universe are simply a side-effect?" - I like this conclusion a good deal, but... 'results' is a very emotive word, consistent then for a 'scientist' to use that word, but this is the last chapter: I'm looking for drama, something like 'destruction', maybe? - "trained in martial arts" - this is a bit vague/inspecific, and therefore less engaging. Can it be more specific in terms of names of martial arts, or style, or something? - "for one proficient" - This reads like R is the proficient one, but the sense of the sentence (grammar) is that it's N. Confused. - "should we be attending to whatever the Drain is doing?" - argh, more tension, more urgency. This is out of character, IMO. O would be demanding her attention, surely, not timidly (seeming) asking her in this way, IMO. - "Now the void had proved" - "who had shown up" - Urgency! Drama!* Like, 'who had burst into the room', or whatever. [* I know we've had this discussion before about how you work by ramping up tension and drama in the consequent drafts. Having said that, I"M STILL GOING TO CALL IT!! I shall use the abbreviation NED (=Not Enough Drama).] - "watched her back" - chance to show his mood, loathing, angry contemptuous. - "was squirming, and growing" - R has her gaze locked with N, so how is she also seeing the void? I figured it was behind her. - "were welcome changes" - Huh? In what sense? - "made up for it with her good suggestions" - Ergo, not useless. First thought needs qualification. - "void seeds,” she told..." - same sentence. (page 2) - "rough compressed material" - more specific is more interesting. - 'displacing' is not a compelling word. Surely it's more like ruining or invalidating or something. Also, boo: the standoff between R and N was tense, good conflict, waiting to burst into violence at any second, while they sparred verbally as a nice counterpoint. This new encounter better be better than that or I'll be disappointed. - "setting off all the seeds at once" - repetitive of the same phrase a few lines before. - "Careful planning scattered to the volcano’s pit by pure luck" - But no, the pure luck has realised the same thing that the careful planning was trying to achieve, by the sound of it. So the planning isn't really scattered at all. - Can it be a rematch if the first match did not even start, really? - "Another C came up behind" - Ooh, this is very Basil Exposition: random NPC comes up to explain the plot to the reader. The blocking of this scene is now rather comical. Someone comes up to one shoulder, someone comes up on the other side, another person comes up on the other side. (page 3) - "Everything can be proved by study" - I have not said it for a while, because I had not really had cause--because his part in the story is not large--but I just love O, O is A1, IMO. (Imagine that, grumpy old engineer identifies with grumpy old theorising, detailed obsessed character. Who'd have thunk it .) (page 4) - "hiding what was really inside" - This is certainly good tension. I am rapt. It could be at this level from closer to the start of this scene, getting us to this point sooner, or having greater tension as the background to the exchanges that precede this point. I was going to mention before, there were an awful lot of different voices speaking before. - "Z?" - I don't remember who Z is, so this drops the tension for me. - "It was good to face it" - Good is a word that does very little here, NED! (page 5) - The end of this section is rather weak. the creature being all blobby drops the tension, since it has not eyes that might glare, no claws that might rend, no mouth that might bite. - "How had he not realized that many notes were missing" - This can be read two ways. I suggest removing the doubt by rephrasing. - "with mental fingers" - bleh. Let me just pluck this apple that I can reach so easily because of how low it's hanging on this tree. - "The contracting circle..." - Huh? What circle? Where did the circle start? - "if I tried something like that" - missing word. (page 6) - "do great things" - Ooh, ooh - I've got another acronym, Low Hanging Fruit = LHF. - "took in a deep breath" - This is the third such phrase in the space of the page: it's tiresome by this point. - "but not from the arrogant K" - bit harsh for me. While that is true, it's also not quite that simple, I feel. S knows O better now, I wonder if he would make such a superficial assessment. - "was getting suspicious" - a bit LHF, phrasing-wise. (page 7) - "They're either all at M A's..." - This is way too simplistic an analysis. (1) Surely there's no way they would be at R's apartment, unless E had been recused. In the space of only a day, when I don't think they had located the LC's base before S and I went off? Also, the statement is a self-fulfilling prophecy: either they're at A, or they're any other place that isn'y A. I know that's a bit harsh, but read in isolation, it does seem like a rather unproductive thing to say. - "But no one was at the former Councilor's apartment either" - negative phrasing un-engaging. The first episode of the Death of 1,000 Cuts podcast featured the excellent advice, don't tell us what isn't the case. So like 'The former callers apartment was empty too.' - "The LC? E?" - Well of course that's where they are! In the last chapter of a story, I want to see our hero(es) taking charge of the situation, showing the competence, showing where their arc has brought them, not still staggering around not doing what's going on. NED alert (Level 7!) - I'm speed reading now, I need to find the moment. (page 8) - "I'm just the surgeon" - No way does the surgeon leave his patient's side to go find someone. There must be other people who can do that? What if the Ef takes a sudden down turn? This is tantamount to the captain going with an away team: terrible command skills. (page 10) - "the prophet" - Who's the prophet? I forget. Is that supposed to be WW? - Okay, so, here we have people in a room talking and I'm fewer than 10 pages from the end of the book proper (excluding Epilog). What has become apparent over the last page or so, I believe, is: (a) the end of the world is not what's at stake in this book, because there is NO WAY you tie up the end of the world in 9 pages then we are not even in it; (b) there is no realistic of the threat of the LC (okay, N stabbed the Eff, but...) presenting a threat to the Assembly, based on how things are arranged at present. So, I don't know what the threat is anymore, I've lost sight of the stakes. (page 11) - "there are more important matters" - Which he's not going to tell us about even though we're less then the pages from the end of the book? (page 12) - The big orange slug-thing is hard to relate to, hard to feel any sense of wonder in the presence of. It's rather disappointing, like a slightly dodgy Doc Who villain. - Arrrgghh: cliffhanger. Boo, hiss. S recognises the voice, but doesn't reveal. In this instance, I would suggest doing to Brandon. BS has talked more than once in the context of cliffhangers that he likes to make the reveal then cut away, leaving the reader to wonder over the potential consequences of the reveal. I think that could work really well in this situation, especially since the reader is not getting the stakes that they thought they were: i.e. then end of the world. - "stepped through the portal after the LC" - no need for the comma there, IMO. (page 13) - I had forgotten about the 5 asses. WRS, sure, but you might play up even more before we cut away from E in her last scene what a huge potential threat they are/will be to her friends. - I like the whispered warning. - "The LC huddled together, but they didn’t have their manacles and collars now" - Why is there a 'but' here? The first part of the sentence is not in opposition to the second part, they are complementary. (page 14) - "There was too much going on" - I'm inclined to agree. There's an awful lot of cutting around, and as I noted above, no clear indication of what the threat is, or what the stakes are. - "she could have told them it was riddled with flaws" - Aye, you see I think you're falling into dumb villain syndrome here (DVS, yay!). The LC are made to look really stupid in this section. There's no way they are they naive, or they would not have got as far as they have, ergo, this sudden weakness . indecisiveness, etc. is not convincing. (page 15) - "concentration of power" - this is an awkward phrase before it gets repeated three times in quick succession. - When did R discover P was an Ar? I don't remember that. Was it not discovered by S and the knowledge brought back by him? When did the others get it? - "For an extinct species" - Lol, but then 'species' is repeated in quick succession referencing another group. - "fin on its back waggling back and forth" - "A voice cut through the separate conversations in the room" - No, I don't buy this. A completely unknown race of creature is present among them and no one is paying attention to what it's saying? Not plausible, IMO. (page 16) - There can be peace but still conflict (of sorts). These are not mutually exclusive. - "S clutching his head, E and I gathered around him" - <sigh>, S takes a massive backward step again. (page 17) - Why would the LC know ay more than anyone else? Doesn't seem very astute from R. More than this, so close the ending of the book, this seems like the start of another mystery, the beginning of another puzzle that will not be answered here. - "with whom" - This doesn't sound like Re's internal voice. - "They’d spoken of access to great power in their prophesy" - this sounds like the power is literally in the prophecy. 'They'd spoken in their prophecy of access to great power.' - "listening to the Symphony paint the energy" - mixed metaphor, methinks. - Re has got all the agency in this situation. Everyone else is just standing around, and we're cutting away from him for the last page of the book. There is no conceivable chance this can end in a satisfying way, just none. Things aren't coming together her, it feels like they are flying apart as more and more new questions arise and no existing promises or questions are kept or answered. - "he felt his body shutting down" - the actual death of (Sam's) agency. - "A discordant jangle" - There's good potential for this scene to be really tense if it was clear what S was able to hear and what the others can or cannot, but it's not clear to me at all at this point. I'm still very concerned at this point about not being satisfied by the ending. (page 19) - The El are not working for me. They've got no personality. I'm put in mind of Daleks when they come through and make their announcement. It's really quite corny, if I'm honest. These are the big bad? I want badder; I want personality. The sharing of the peace has potential, but it's a wee bit 'You will be assimilated.' - I'm not going to talk about the ending until I've read the epilogue. - "and none of us thought to question that, even K" - I know it's G and dialogue has license in terms of grammar and diction, but this is the end of the book and it needs to flow and punch hard, with clarity. - "better to see your own tail" - this is a great idea, but I'm not sure the logic scans. I tried to think of what was up with it and my approach to that was to consider how it might be clearer. I thought of 'The way to see your tail is to look over your shoulder' or 'You only see your tail by looking over your shoulder.' I dunno. - "m of the Houses of G and P" - it's not one house. - "clenched a hand and banged in on his thigh" - It's not going to make a bang on his thigh. It would bang on a table, maybe, although I would say thump was better. He would slap his thigh, and it would make a slappy sound. - "Why had he assumed" - he's better than this, we've seen this in other stories. I think this needs a review in the edit to show his uncertainty, but it's like the only option they've go. It's more tense if he's unsure, less confident, but nonetheless determined. There's even scope for conflict among the members of the Society, although I appreciate that will add to M's word count. (page 20) - "conclusively say this was a different universe" - What is 'this' referring to? Unclear. - "One piece of good news" - That's pretty lazy logic too, not worthy of M. (page 21) - I don't think 'of Book 2' is appropriate. It's just 'End' surely? OVERALL 1 - Bottom line: I'm not satisfied by the ending. The epilogue is okay, can be punched up, but it's still a weighty concept, the death of a universe. 2 - In S's POV, there is still a creature attacking the attendant people. There is an immediate threat unresolved and the book is over. What do I do now? Am I satisfied? Or could be dead, Ri could be dead, or Re. S, E and I are in full flight. How can I be satisfied with that? 3 - What is the status of the end of the world? The D is still approaching, presumably? How far away is it? What are all the Ar assassins doing at this point? The LC? We're right in the middle of this story, and in the middle of a fight. I'm going to process this some more and might comment further. <R>

I'm passing this on in case, like me, you're completely up to date with Writing Excuses, and your daily flow ( ... no, not that daily flow) of whispered constructive writing advice has reduced to a trickle. (If it's the other flow, seriously, see a doctor.) This podcast was recommended to me by a fellow GSFWC member, and it is highly entertaining (I think), and potentially very useful. It is also 15 minutes(ish) long. The caster, Tim, deconstructs a first page that some poor unsuspecting writer has sent him. There is some excellent advice and observation wrapped up in acerbic wit. Later episodes feature discussion with names (e.g. Chuck Wendig is on my horizon. I'm at Episode 8). Full disclosure, Tim is not a published author, but it seems to me that he knows his stuff, and he's got a lot of experience and education under his belt. http://www.timclarepoet.co.uk/death-of-1000-cuts-podcast-pilot/

<Dofs cap to fellow engineer> Much technical nerdy ensues... <tugs cap forward slight to disguise a modicum of disgruntlement> "Good sir, I assure you I am at least passingly aware of the principle of resonant frequency..." Just thought it sounded a bit... orf. Ah, heh, now then... let's not be hasty. I'm sure a little judicious pruning, a tad of light recasting, would suffice I didn't manage to get to the last chapter yesterday, but that just means spreading the fun to today!

Okay, I purposely saved this penultimate submission until the last one was available too, as I wanted to read straight through to the end. My apologies if that threw out your note harvesting / editing process!! So, breath bated (check), tenter hooks in belt (check), reader expectation checklist updated and pencil sharpened (check). Let's go (page 1) - "much of our advancement has languished" - I feel that this is too specific, suggesting certain individual projects have languished, but possibly implying that others have not. I thought it may be better to frame this in all-encompassing terms. - "I am reminded of what wonders" - Conversely, 'what wonders' sounds like a question, and that the wonders are unknown, so how can M be reminded of them? Surely he is thinking about specific wonders of the past, so they will be well known to them and this phrasing could be more specific, simply 'reminded of the wonders'. - "like a giant bowl where the depths were around" - I don't know what this phrasing means. - "Where, according to M’s notes" - Why is this a separate paragraph? Reads odd. (page 2) - "three more additional gates" - is one of these not redundant, unless they've already used some additional gates, and these are indeed more additional gates... it stills reads awkward. - "What in blazes is that?" - Confused, surely he has been in the Imp and was hearing the regular sound that everyone else heard? How can he not know what it is? Or, wait... is this POV so far behind the others in time? I had not clocked that, or maybe I just forgot. - "harder to reign in" - rein in - "She was pointed at" - 'pointing'? - "vibrational energy" - surely this is just kinetic energy, is it not? - "epicenter as being on other side" - suggest. Or, much cleaner, 'detect epicentre on other side...'. (page 3) - "Then we carry on..." - Wait, surely they did not cause the tone?!?! - Ah, okay, it is the timeline. Oooh, this is the penultimate chapter and it feels like we're going away back to the beginning. That's a bit of a blow to momentum and sense of urgency, also plot progression, maybe even stakes? (page 4) - "Some inner clock in his subconscious was ticking down" - Yeah, okay, but it's not really enough to get my nerves jangling this close to the end of the story. Only one chapter after this one! - "remember to use some caution" - Excellent speech, well said G. (page 5) - "lowered a set of goggles" - Should he not do this before the switch is thrown, as they don't know exactly what the effect will be? Also, should they not all be wearing goggles? - "a month’s worth of my pension fund" - financial services quibble!! And forgive me if this is just a drafting thing, and I'm teaching my 'grandmother' to 'suck eggs', but typically, the monthly payment is called a premium. However assuming G is claiming his pension, as he is an old codger, if I recall correctly, I assume he's drawing his pension. I dare say he is taking a fixed amount per month, but I would think that the fund itself--the principal--although being drawn down, would still be attracting interest. The point I'm trying to make very clumsily is that I don't think it's right to refer to the fund in this context. (page 6) - "changing key each day" - how is the key changing,? is it rising? This is significant, I feel. I need to know more: it's an opportunity to increase the tension and 'ticking clock'. - "The days spent until the fuse was ready" - I don't think this is right. Spent how? 'They spent the days it took for the new fuse to be made and delivered...' - "the thing was basically finished" - vague is not compelling/engaging. - "pushed his glasses up, and looked over" - I'm bad for this, but why is there a comma here? It hampers the pace of reading. - "natural resonating frequency was higher, too" - If this frequency is abnormal, how can it also be natural? Is it not then unnatural? - "the chime rang all day" - I'm trying to remember this happening in S's POV. Does this represent events in M's POV having overtaken events in S's POV, because I don't remember the chime ringing all day. - "the finer portions of the device" - This is not a scientific or even and engineering word. How about 'elements'? Components? (page 7) - Confused: how does M know that the fuse is arriving, i.e. when to go upstairs? I'm presuming he didn't hear the doorbell. - "followed a set up tubes" - set of tubes? - "They'd adjust the startup" - adjusted? And why the comma before 'so'? Sucks out the pace of the sentence? (page 8) - "the flow of the current" - isn't 'flow' redundant, as current by its nature is intrinsically a flow? Also, 'the' is redundant. Seems to me this can easily be shortened to 'the current'. Ah, especially since 'flow' is repeated in the same sentence. - "The glow in the middle of the arms" - suggest 'between the arms' for precision and flow. - "burned his eyes otherwise" - this is connected to him using the goggles, but it's so far away from him pulling down the goggles that they are disconnected, and it sounds odd. - "on the other side of the machine from him" - redundant. - "It was a report" - oooh, tell me this was a description in Moo's report. - This is good tension, everyone shouting stuff, no one quite sure what's going on. (page 9) - Like the description of the phenomenon, really quite gripping. - "as it flung itself across the room" - Nooooo! This is a scientist's perspective. The arm of the machine does not possess it's own energy so it can't fling itself. Surely it's the energy of the breach, or the other dimension or the energy from the machine that propels the arm. - "embedding halfway into the dirt of one of the walls" - Halfway is not compelling, because I don't know how long the thing is. It's way more gobsmacking if you say 'embedded three feet deep in the wall' (it doesn't matter which wall, that's just unnecessary words). - "was near G and K in an instant" - It's much more immediate to drop this. Why does he have to move? Just have him speak. - 'stolen from us' - Harrumph. This is annoying. I feel like I was promised a transcendent first encounter and now it gone. (page 10) - Don't like the first line, kind of boring. Why not go straight to the second? I'm sure there's a way to incorporate where S is and what he's doing while still opening with his dialogue and his action. - "a higher key that rung almost" - rang is the past tense of ring, rung is the part participle. Use of the past participle in place of the past tense always sounds terrible to me. I would say 'the bell had rung at noon', 'the bell was rung at noon', but surely it has to be 'it was noon, and the bell rang'? Otherwise, what is the word 'rang' for? - I feel like I want more tension, more jeopardy in this scene. I think this is only because of where I am in the book. I am not feeling the stakes at all. Insufficient conflict / tension / danger. (page 11) - Confused. He grabs at stone, but feels parchment? (page 13) - "He seemed happier than he had since E rescued him" - something off here. (page 14) - I don't think you 'have' a smile. You have a cold. - "Nevermind" - never mind: two words. (page 15) - "They'd need an ambassador" - I feel like this is a hint, or a promise to the reader. - "After they found out..." - Surely this is a fragment, not a sentence. (page 17) - "Flakes of rock sifted down from the ceiling" - typo? The material that is made of fragments or particles is the thing that is sifted, it doesn't do the sifting. Was this meant to be 'drifted down'? - What is it she's shifting? Unclear. - "The music was fracturing above her" - Does this mean way above her head, in the cave? I think it needs to be clearer, like, 'Somewhere far above her, the music was fracturing.' (page 20) - "The center of things was through there" - This is super, super vague and therefore not compelling. (page 21) - There should be a really compelling moment between R and N, but its not nearly satisfying enough. The dialogue is underwritten (R's threat is low-hanging fruit), there's no spark, N doesn't say anything (lost opportunity), there's no tension OVERALL I think there are paving issues. The fact that the second last chapter in the books starts with a montage is seriously problematic from a pace a plotting viewpoint, IMO. There's plenty that I enjoyed here. S's scene was good, but needs more tension. E's scene was good, but need to more tension, more stakes, pore conflict, IMO. M's scene, well, I'm not sure what you do about it, but I think it really does have issues. I know you've said before that you tend to put a lot of the tension and conflict in on second draft, so I'm not going to bust your proverbials over it too much. What I do like is that we check in with all the POVs in this chapters (to some extent or other) and that we see them starting to come back together, which is good. As a general comment, I think the most significant issue I have is a lack of investment in the end of the world as portrayed on the page so far, but I've said that on previous submission too. <R>

You are absolutely right. Thank you, ID. Shocking(ly lazy) conclusion jumping on my part, I stand corrected!

Me too, please.

Project 75192: Update 10 - Bags No.6 - "More Mini-figs!!" Now into some major skeletal elements that are forming the outline of the Falcon, as per last update at the back. This time however, we are at the front. Things are 'times two' in this bag, making struts that carry quite a bit of external texture in the form of little finicky bits (2,3,4). Very satisfying moment as the first strut is attached and defines that characteristic 'jaw' of the Falcon's nose (5). There's another one where that came from, of course (6,7); ooh it's getting good now. Han and Rey can only stand back and drool at the thought of getting their hands on the 'tiller' (8). (I think they might have airbrushed Harrison Ford for this one...)