Robinski

It's getting exciting now to be so close the end of the story (although as you know from previous comments, it could be more exciting!). On we go... (page 1) - Love Ori's journal entry. - "Finally, they could get behind all this nonsense" - as in put it behind them? Not entirely clear what he's getting at. - "It seemed longer than the normal lifespan of a Meth" - this is an odd comparison, imo, since the eff is not a Meth (in either guise). - R is much more sympathetic now, imo, since we see him acting in unison with the others. It's always satisfying to see a character 'converted' / redeemed (if that is indeed what is happening). (page 2) - "Who’d put her in charge?" - You did with yer tacit silence and unconscious acceptance of her authority, ya big galumph, just like the others. - "an exit to this place" - from this place - "For us to leave..." - I don't quite understand this sentence. (page 3) - "take in slightly different light" - surely all eyes take the light in the same, it's the processing that is different. Everyone will get shone on the same, won't they? - "She just couldn’t help taking charge, could she?" - I'm not sure I believe R is that naive. He must know that someone has to be in charge, and would he argue that Ril is the more resourceful of the maj? - "He wondered if anyone else got tired of their bossy condescension" - No, but get tired of yea bellyaching' about it! (page 5) - "shielded the torch with their body" - but in a corridor, the wall on the other side of the torch will be illuminated and visible to the person approaching from behind them, surely? - "then peered down the three directions available to them" - IMO. (page 6) - Ha! I like that Re discovers that by being reasonable and constructive he gets hears, as opposed to when he is blubbering in to himself about the injustice of it all. - "without even waiting for the others to agree" - typo. - "another cloaked figure, emerging from another a cross corridor" - awkward repetition of 'another', imo. - "they hadn’t checked this one" - I reckon they didn't even notice it. - "like an angry d--- st---" - excellent simile. (page 7) - "steps were oddly tiny" - tinny? small? Bit confused. (page 9) - "he found little incongruities popping up" - grammar off here, I think. (page 10) - "No wonder this place was stored far away from everyone" - it's not the place that's stored though, it would be a thing, the place would be 'located far from...', I think. - "as if they had never finished falling" - this is some great imagery, feels like something very different. (page 11) - "Assuming that's actually what they're meaning to do" - being accepted is not something the LC can do, it's something they want. (page 13) - "I said sommat should talk with 'em" - referring to my previous comment, this form in the accent that R is using means something. I would say 'sommun' would be the equivalent for 'someone', i.e. own the way that young un' would mean 'young one'. (page 14) - "let's give 'em sommat to deal about" - see, here the word is used to mean something, which is the correct form, imo. - "Perhaps one in the middle" - I'd like him to be more certain about this. Certainty and positivity is more engaging than doubt and vacillation. This actually seems out of character in its hesitancy. - "Is it a function of how many s are used" - tense disagreement. (page 15) - "Make sure no one is coming, too" - imo. - "R swallowed" - very tense moments. (page 16) - "was blocking the way he had entered the swarm" - unclear, I think. - "but there was another path" - because they have not coordinated where they are going to run, they could all be bumping into each other if they choose the same routes. - "matching the colors of the other houses" - confused, are all the different colours not showing? Ah no, they can't be 'matching' because all the colours are different. - "The symphony curdled..." - oh this is very awesome. I wonder if we could have more of an impression of the speed of spread of the thing, and if the speed changes when it intersects another sliver. (page 17) - "already too difficult to open" - could they not have opened one before they triggered the drain? (page 18) - "A third, fourth, and fifth" - I think the numbering is off, there have been more than two combined before we get to this point, have there not? Overall This chapter has some excellent tension and action to it. Some comments about, but nothing hugely implausible. I did think the ending was anticlimactic, as in the very ending. You've got some great tension going of not being able to open a portal, and then you've got the conflict of the drains not behaving as expected. However, the fact that someone is coming is a bit lame to me. We saw them dispatch ten people earlier in the chapter, so why should this pose any kind of threat? It's not the crescendo I was hoping for. Great work though. This is some of the stakes that I felt I was missing in earlier closing chapters. I am left with some questions thought, and one thing that occurs to me now. Do they not think off the fact that En could very well be here, and that by triggering a drain and running away they might be killing her? Anyway, good work. I'm very happy with this as third last chapter in first(?) draft. <R>

Cool, aren't they? There are more coming up in the next update. The build is getting ahead of the posts, but I'm hoping to catch up and keep pace. I'm enjoying stringing out the build to savour it more, but I'm erring on the side of forging ahead

That's excellent. So, presuming that this follows on from L's first chapter. I think I remember most of the relevant stuff from that. Off we go! (page 1) - Lines 2 and 3 of the prayer / invocation sound a bit weak to me, almost childlike in their simplicity. Maybe that's okay for this kind of thing. Don't know. I feel this could stand an overhaul or two. (page 2) - Hmm, the whole lists thing leaves me confused. It's quite odd. Lists don't have power in themselves. I don't see how you can pre-develop a list for every conceivable situation. And her mentor praising her lists... I feel like she should be praising L's organisational skills, ability to strategise. The list itself is nothing more than a framework for ideas. The ability to list just doesn't deserve this kind of attention. - "will of a stablehand" - One word, otherwise it's someone who's hand doesn't shake. - "From this vantage point" - L and J are in different places, are they not? If so, there is more than one vantage point. (page 3) - "He got his off arm up" - This a really awkward phrasing, hard to follow. Can you not say left or right arm? - The names kind of bother me. Some people are named after pre-existing words, like vigil and mastiff, while other people have 'proper' names, like Yes and L and J. There's no pattern I can see, and without an explanation, it just keeps weirding me out when a new name is introduced. (page 4) - 'eyes climbed like a mountain' - I don't like this simile. You don't climb a mountain by looking up to the top. And anyway, a person eyes don't do any climbing in any case. Their gaze might climb something in a metaphorical sense, but not their actual eyes, imo. (page 6) - "patience of a child" - Children are not patient at all. I think you maybe meant 'deliberation' here? - "She held her off hand" - You'll need to explain to me what off hand means. Which one is my 'off' hand? - "so much like a lover’s embrace" - has L ever experienced this? I thought she was a child herself, near enough? Using images like this will tend to confuse the reader's perception of the character if they're not consistent. Also, I'm trying to remember how much it was clear that L fancied J before, in order to judge the context of this 'reveal'. - "#139" - I'm okay with this as a numeral, because it's sort of the name of the thing, but I'm not accepting of '360', I think number of narrative should almost always by in word form, so, three-hundred and sixty, as this is a story, not a technical paper. - "GK on high" - Also this. If there are three-hundred and sixty of these things, is there really only one that starts with this line? I would have thought that almost all invocations would start by appealing to the GK, possible using that very same line. I find it hard to believe that there isn't at least one that starts the same way. Can you think of 360 different opening lines for a prayer? (page 7) - Okay, I don't know what L did with her magic. I thought she was going to change her face so that when they inevitably discovered her, she would not be identified and J would play along that she was someone else. I can see from what they did to J that that would not have worked, but I di not get that she turned herself invisible. - "shuddered to think what kind of toll releasing it" - I think I need to hear this much farther up front in L's POV. This thing about the cost getting higher with time, and it costing more to release is a nice idea, not so obvious as there being a cost to cast the spell in the first place. It feels original to me: I can't remember reading it anywhere before. Good work on that. I would just like to know it sooner so I can understand her other actions in that context. - "who died because of from less" - clunky phrasing, imo. (page 8) - "to lift a horse cart" - This is just a 'cart'. - "couldn’t afford the extra steps" - but surely someone would discover it on her from the smell in any case and she would be soundly punished and possibly discovered? - "wouldn’t change until she slept" - I think you edited it out before, but I enjoyed encountering L for the first time when she woke all twisted and sore. I thought that was an effective way to introduce the cost of maintaining her changed shape (as I recall). - IMO, you don't 'stop momentum', you lose momentum. - "contemplated monetarily" - typo. (page 9) - "with a dragon hilt with blue" - double word is awkward: not comfy to read, imo. - "sweating like a r/ch" - I have no idea what an 'r/ch' is, so, instead of this adding colour and setting it just confuses me, and I can't relate to it. Sweating like a docker, I can understand that, sweating like a farmhand, etc. - I don't really understand that wine chat. (page 10) - "fat city watch" - This is a cliché for me. it comes in all sorts of different forms, bumbling local cop again dynamic FBI agent; close-minded local sheriff against plucky P.I., but time after time after time the entirely necessary local law enforcement are shown as being slow, stupid and obstructionist. It's a pretty tired trope. it's totally low-hanging fruit, first image that comes to mind in this situation. - "the shadow" - I'm not sure what I'm supposed to picture here. Is her form all black and fuzzy then? (page 11) - "bad have take such a lucky turn" - IMO, sounds better. - I don't understand why L is so excited to see the prince. Is this the guy she intends to kill? - Good end line for that scene. I'm not completely sure I buy it, because we haven't seen L in action fighting and such. Still, I'm prepared to go along with it. (page 12) - "in an antiquity tale" - antiquity is a noun, but it's used here as an adjective. Doesn't work grammatically, imo. 'Tale of antiquity' would be more correct. - "allowed herself to be led across the room" - I just don't know how to picture this, because you've really only referred to her as a shadow so all I can 'see' is this really dark fuzzed out shape. The context and use of the word shadow is undefined. - What you describe is called a 'commode', but I guess maybe some readers would not know that word. (page 13) - Wait, what just happened? L just feel asleep? I presume she's been drugged. this just comes from nowhere, for me. She didn't seem to be all that tired. - "same age as L" - You're basically repeating the line above about him also being 14. (page 14) - "green chile, her favorite" - confused. Is this the same food that was described as mush that was being fed to the princess? Where did this nice food come from? Why can't the princess eat the nice food? Why would a princess be fed mush? This is that latest of quite a few things that feel inconsistent to me; that don't hang together. - "You’re Your majesty" - typo. - "If you insist" - Eh? There's no way that L is insisting here, in what she said. - "slop at the servants’ mess hall" - cliché. Why do servants always have to eat slop? Any good ruler would know that a way to keep lower classes happier is to feed them reasonably well. Slop adds to a sense of discontent. I'm not aware from anything in the narrative that there is any particular lack of food. (page 15) - "slipped the vial" - Ah, this is waaaaay too easy and convenient, for me. Why would prince ask for everyone to be fed, the guards, the servants? It feels like the heavy hand of the author to me, manoeuvring something into place that needs to happen for story purposes. - Wait, continuity issue. You say at the bottom of page 14 that L served everyone a bowl. So, they've already got their food when she starts serving them again on this page. - I don't remember who J is. Seems important if they tell the prince what to do. (page 16) - "she served herself seconds" - Whoa!!!!!! What? She served herself before a prince? This seems wildly inappropriate to me. And then she didn't offer anyone else second?! (page 17) - Huh? What just happened? I don't understand. Overall There was quite a few details that confused me, or did not sounds right, or were not believable. There were several things that were not explained and left me feeling confused. 'Off arm' is just odd. It doesn't mean anything without some kind a context, like having a weapon actually in the person's hand. The one voice reference feels throw-away and it's gone before I register any kind of meaning. I've basically already forgotten it. It doesn't add anything for me, because I still don't understand the point of the voice or the nature of the voice from the first L chapter. The ending is kind of baffling to me. It's a good reveal, but I'm struggling to make sense of it, I'm struggling to decide if I am good confused or bad confused. I'm really not sure. I'm wondering if this is not in fact a great big 'bait and switch' because of the way you've been referring to the princess in L's mind throughout her POV as a distinctly different person, whereas L has known all that time that this was not the case. All that talk of princess d/t when she was the princess? I feel rather tricked, in a bad way. <R> p.s. Gone and gone heavily on the negative again, sorry. The narrative style is very easy to read, I skipped through very comfortably other than when stopping to comment. The dialogue is direct. Not all that entertaining, but convincingly functional for most of the time. The pacing--I did find bits rather slow-- like when describing getting the shadow (still don't understand that) dressed, feeding her, etc. I am left feeling frustrated by the reveal, as I note above, but I do have questions that I want the answer to. On that basis alone, I would keep reading, but I would expect to get those answers in the very next L POV. What is she trying to achieve; why is the brother in cahoots; what is the shadow and hw does that work? etc. etc.

Project 75192: Update 6 - Bags No.3 (pt.2) - 'Dejarik Table!!!' The second internal platform is the habitation area with--yes--the Dejarik Table (Image 3) There also are some lovely walkway details, with the internal passageways represented by stickers (Image 1), because the structure does not actually permit this passageways to exist. There's the swivel chair, consoles, walkway and seating. Really makes it feel like you're in the Falcon at this point Then we've got the sloping part of the underside above from front leg (Images 5 & 6). Must post updates faster!! So many bands to go...

Excited to read something new on the site. The title intrigues me, as I'm not sure what that O word means. I think I know, but decided not to look it up, but let you reveal the meaning to me instead (page 1) -The word 'tavern' makes me nervous, because every single fantasy book I read seems to have a tavern in it (I know they don't, but you get my point). However, it's an intriguing and nicely written first line, and it's not about the tavern, so I'm on board! -"complicated explanation" - I love this line. I've heard it before, but it just fits so well, but I think it's indicative of the overall tone and I think your style is very engaging. The little details you use to sketch characters are very involving. I like it. (page 2) -"other man had the right of it" - when you use Kra, but to tag the other man (not Kra, but his companion), then you have Adr refer to 'the other man', I'm left confused which one it is she agrees with. (page 3) -I enjoyed her eavesdropping and following up clues. I'm not clear yet what her agenda is but I'm happy enough to go along with the intrigue for now. I'm not 100% on what it is she's tallying. Is it number of times people mention the beast? It can't be the number who remember and the number who don't, because there were multiple rallies against individuals. I'm okay to go with it for now, but I hope to learn something soon. -Very interesting. I'm getting sense that she has started this rumour to keep people away from a particular area, but I'm prone to following more complicated and unlikely threads (and writing them too, I'm afraid, when I should keep it more solidly (page 4) -Ah, I wonder if she's trying to scare people into going by road so her confederates can rob the wagon trains? I'm probably way off base. -Or maybe she is simply researching, which is cool, and more plausible. -I like the attention to detail in her analysis of the man. (page 5) - "You wanted to know how much of my story is true?" - Ha-ha, I like this line. I'll admit it puts in mind of The Name of the Wind, but it's no less good for that. - "firelight shone..." - great line, love the warmth of the description. - "he would later attribute..." - He being the captain, right? (page 6) - "didn't seem to have any interest in the ship" - Not sure I buy this assessment, since the creature was 'buzzing' the ship for a period of time, making several passes. - "captain's wistful tone" - Wait a second, the man in the tavern is the captain of the ship? that was not indicated before now. Either there's some unclear here, or something was not mentioned previously. - While I like the exchange they have when he gets up to leave, there's no indication that he has any interest in her, in that way, prior his line about sharing his bed. I'm not saying he should be leering at her through their discussion, that would be bad, but I did not take him for this kind of man at any time in their encounter. I hint would have made this sudden turn of events easier to believe. (page 7) - Good strong closing line for the scene. I'd class this as 'out early'*, which is good. - "rucksack" struck me as a modern word. I don't know how modern a word it is, but I strikes me that it's usage is quite modern (1930,40,50's onwards?). I did take me out of the story slightly. (* as in the adage 'In late, our early', good advice in constructing a scene.) (page 8) - Ooh, we come out of Ad's dream very suddenly. Now, that's how dreams work, I'd accept that, still left me wanting more. Good! Definitely intrigued by the young man, and what this dream reveals about Ad's past, and why she's pursuing such creatures in the present. good work. - "swallowed the deck" - fantastic line. I love that sometimes in description you pick out a nice, juicy, unexpected image. I feel like I've been encountering a noticeable amount of cliche in narrative recently, so I am feeling refreshed reading your submission - "took his last three coins from him during the sixth hand" - I would think she really only takes in the coins at the end of the hand, when she wins it. I also I felt the narrative a bit jumpy here: I've hardly absorbed the fourth hand and we're finishing the sixth. (page 9) - "calling the maneuvres" - odd phrasing this time. Not sure I like this so much. Also, it's odd that Rav has been here this whole time, but isn't mention in the scene until he speaks. That strikes me as odd, as he is the captain, and the one that Ad knows best. Furthermore, the said there were 'four officers' in the room. To me, Rav is more than just another officer to be lumped in with the others. Maybe this is where it should be made clear that it's the captain and three officers, so we know Rav is in the room. Even so, it's rather odd that we hear nothing from him for six hands of cards. - "pair of mountains crumbling" - I could see you describing the sea creature in such terms, but they seem rather weighting for a human, even a big man. - "Per---" - Ooh, no. I'm going to stick my neck out and assume you haven't read Wheel of Time? This is the name of one of the three main characters in the whole fourteen book saga. It's verging on calling a character Samwise. Well, okay, I've exaggerated for dramatic effect, but I still think this name is inadvisable. A large percentage of fantasy fans will pause in their reading to start in astonishment at your hubris right here!! (page 10) - I'm not really feeling the significance of being a mage or not. Some people are mages, some aren't, but the ones who are hardly seemed to be treated any differently. - The 'salamander' line confuses me. It seems out of context. - "stay away from the northern route for a while" - Ah, ha! I strongly suspected that something like this was afoot!! (page 11) - "returned to his position" - I really like how you show a little stand-off there between them, but did not draw any conscious attention to it. Very adroitly done, imo - "blue silk" - I don't think this simile is a strong as some of the others. Night sky looking like silk is a pretty common description. It's not bad just kind of unsurprising. - Why are the palaces only kings'? (page 12) - Ooh, a hint of the reason behind all of this. Interesting. (page 13) - And then a pretty much complete reveal. - Because there are some jumps in the story, when you say "narrow passage", I'm not immediately sure if it's on the ship, or somewhere else. - Hmm, problem here. The bit with Ad thinking about Tan then Tan appears is awkward Why does she not think about Rav or Ham? Why identify Tan as they one who would think she was being weird? It seems like the only reason is for the author to gain a convenient introduction. Feel contrived to me just to be able to use the 'summoned' line. (page 14) - Good conflict around what to do with the monster, conflict between Tan and Rav, but also putting Tan in conflict with Ad. That's good. - "He feels like your presence is a disruption." - This phrasing is vague and indecisive (first bit), and overcomplicated, I think, compared to something simpler like 'He thinks your presence is disruptive.' Overall Interesting. I thought this was very well written. I had almost nothing to comment on from a style and grammar point of view, which is always enjoyable, and makes it easier (for me) to appreciate the piece itself. I like how you sketched the characters. They are distinct and consistent (I think) without being knock-it-out-the-park dynamic. I think that's okay. It can be difficult to strike the balance between a caricature and solid, relatable character. There might be scope to tweak up a couple of the character elements here and there. I wouldn't mind seeing a bit more passion from Ad, especially when thinking of her beau, encounter a potential obstacle or even contemplating her potential success. Nice work though. I'm very keen to read that second part!! <R>

Err, so this is a remnant of me posting my comments in the wrong thread (I managed to get myself mixed up with JW's Ancient Greek western So yes, I always think 'gasp' is a wee bit melodramatic, but if I'm the only one that says that, then keep it! Unless you agree. I sometimes fall into a trap of trying to fix everything that's raised, but if it's a lone voice of five or six that's raising something, maybe you were right the first time My bad!! Please disregard any references I made to YA, my mistake. But still 'knife through butter'... It may well have been. If you haven't motived by now, it's not beyond possibility that I have taken the wrong end of the stick. I have a large collection of sticks from over the years that I'm not sure what to do with, because all I've got is the wrong end Certainly, it's because I'm a d-u-m-b-a-s-s and read the wrong thread introduction

I don't think I've ever read one of these. I watched Cowboys and Aliens, does that count? Looking forward to this. Okay, so comments: (page 1) - JV. Great western name. Certainly helps drop me into the setting and theme. - First sentence is confusing on various levels. I imagine someone cooking a meal, but they're cooking a whole steer, which seems wrong. Who is Hel? Oh, wait, this is a deal steer in the sun? It's a complicated opening line when we don't know the setting. I think clarity is important in an opening line, and I don't think this has it. - "...to keep far away from." - Big run-on sentence there. Hard to read. Suggest breaking into two. - I really like the double alteration of the dirt. I think this a full-on descriptive style will suit the western setting, but the first line still lacks clarity. - "hued with shades of red" - I confused this with 'hewed' because you were talking about rock, which often is described as having things hewed from it. Possible also because you've already described the colours of the setting. - "to the man pot-bellied man" - typo. - You refer to the steer as 'im and it very close together. Consistency. - "if there were outlaws..." - why would there not be this type of outlaw? I imagine there would be plenty of them. (page 2) - "welded on off from atop his horse" - What the heck? Confused phrasing. That's amazing, four prepositions in a row? Are you shooting for a world record? - "With a few flicks and clicks of locks and joints, he combined them into a r-b" - I like the tech references. They're not too heavy, just slipped in to give the suggestion of difference. Also, missing word here, I think. - "big game" - I like it, the tone is good. I think you are handling the elements that make this world different very well. Not putting in too much so as to cause confusion. You don't have to explain annals things if you use them sparingly, and create curiosity in the reader rather than confusion. - "tailing trail the other seven fed into" - awkward phrasing to read. (page 3) - "hiding behind the horizon in the distance" - that's where the horizon tends to be, this seemed redundant to me. (page 4) - "pinkie raised, his Adam’s apple bobbing furiously" - this is great description, really puts me in the moment. - "serranos" - I don't know what this is. - "for fear of her uncle..." - more good characterisation; well done. - "Sort've Sorta would defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it" - This is not an abbreviation of 'Sort of', but is 'Sort have', which doesn't make sense, of course. The contraction of 'Sort of' that I've seen is 'Sorta'. (page 5) - "Whatcha want to do" - This was odd, to hear a major contraction then the full extended version of 'want to do' right next to each other. Then again 'Whatcha wanna do?' is pretty heavy on the contractions. Dunno. - "worth ‘bout ten gold drachma" - for me, this is maid-and-butler. Her old uncle would know exactly how much the hide is worth, surely, so she's only saying this for the reader's benefit, making it sound very unconvincing. It's a just a matter of rewording to a form that someone might say to remind someone else who already knew the value of the hide. Something like 'Well, I reckon we can get the full ten for the hide, maybe more' (page 6) - "smart cookie" - It doesn't seem all that smart to me, seems fairly obvious thing to do, sell all the parts to people who can use them. I don't think she earns this compliment. - "iron-edged ruler" - Youch!! Also, I'm not sure of J's age. She's at school so 14? I don't think she's more than 15 or 16. She talks pretty grown up. - "quarrels off of his belt" - I know this form is US standard. To a Brit like me, it sounds terrible, awkward, unnecessary. In all seriousness, does nobody think that 'quarrels off his belt' flows better, sounds simpler and more elegant? (page 7) - "He smile at her" - typo. - Is there no way that D can cover her from a distance? It strike me as odd that he would not try, but I guess I don't really know how capable J is. - "pebbles pushes out" - typo. - "I am the fear. Grrr." - Nice line: I like this thought, good bit of training and motivation. - "slipped a quarrel" - I'm really surprised she hasn't loaded before now. She doesn't know where the thing is. I really think she needs to load before she goes in so she's ready to fire if the thing should surprise her. (page 8) - "was dead" - Excellent surprise, good solid mini-twist. Like this very much. You might have piled a bit more tension onto J's approach, which would have made this even more of a surprise and release of tension. - "BK Rider" - I'm actually a bit disappointed in this particular aspect. It strikes me that this is a pretty much universal trope in new writers' work, that there is a mysterious/ outlawed/ famed/ feared/ revered group that someone (usually the MC) either belongs to, or wishes to belong to, and that is their goal, or a significant part of it. I'm not 100% sure that's what's happening here, but I think it might be. I think as a motivation, it's too easy, it's a bit low-hanging fruit. But maybe that's not what's going on here. - "low Con" - If Old Front is all CAPS, should Low Fed not be too? I presume it's the name of a place or a language. - "missy" - love it: puts me right in the Western setting. (page 9) - "He probably drank an Elixir" - Something I've more recently gained an appreciation of is specificity and certainty. Words like 'probably', 'might', 'maybe', etc. a vague and leave the reader in doubt. Having your character be more certain, more confident and having your narrative be specific is much more compelling and engaging for the reader. Even if you said 'must have drunk' here it would carry more energy than 'probably'. - "slid off the side of the ridge" - QED, per my earlier comment about excluding 'of' from this form. This is much more compelling and immediate. - "with pitying express" - I guess this means 'with a pitying expression'? (page 10) - I really don't believe you can use and pistol crossbow in close combat like this. I at least need to hear something about 'D pushed away from the rider and drew his bow' to believe that there is enough space and time. It's not like a hand gun, it's bulking and awkward, from what I've seen (never used or held one). - "could drink up to two" - This is odd phrasing, because there are only two options, one or two. It's not much of a range. Up to ten, that's fine, there's a broad range, but I don't think 'up to' makes sense for only two. I think this limitation (which is good, it's important to shows the limits of magic, and have it cost the user) could be better phrased, more simply. Like 'it was a real risk to take another flask so soon after the first one, he could pass out or die'. - "reflux" - LOL, Dear Zeus, that's awful. I've had some issues with the good, old-fashioned human version: this sounds horrendous! - "clenched her fist in triumph" - but there is no triumph, the fight's still going on. This thought is totally premature. She should be helping, not cheering. Also, repetition of 'triumph' is awkward. - "cracking blow punch across" - typo. - You've used triumph three times now. Waaaaay too much. One is fine. (page 11) - I like the reverse you pulled in a moment of supposed triumph. It shows J's naivety apart from anything else. But still, too many instances of 'triumph'. - "drank them before you got injured" - that made no sense to me, but, D would know that, and surely he would have drunk it before making his attack? There's an inconsistency here. Also, it would lead to massive overuse of healing draughts, surely, people drinking them just in case, and then they would not be able to drunk another channel, would they? There something inconsistent here, I think. - "lay on the..." - Tense. (page 12) - "stood to her feet" - grammar: this ain't it. - "downed all three at once" - This does not make any sense to me. We've been told that drinking two is a huge risk. This is more like committing suicide than doing something powerful. I'm just not convinced. Why not just drink two? Which we've been told is the limit? I'm not convinced her anger is hot enough to make her do this. - "maybe twice" - this is too small a number for her not to know it exactly. It's either once or twice. - "recessive arm" - what's this? Don't understand. (page 13) - "lopped off her forearm" - okay, good conflict! But, I'm assuming she drank the healing draught among the three, BUT, won't that return her to the state before she drank it, in which she had a wounded leg? - "but in abated" - typo. - "pushing him over the side of the cliff" - this bit is redundant, imo. - "furnace for her rage" - I like it. (page 14) - "dripping off of her fist" - the rest of the world will thank you, believe me Also, if you look at published works that have been professionally edited, how often do you see this form? I would say very, very, little, if at all. - "her grief and terror exacerbated by the blood roaring in her ears" - This is excellent. YES, there is a cost to killing; YES, I feel her grief. Excellent emotion, totally conveying her pain and confusion. - YES, and here comes the cost of using the magic, the cost of her victory. Very good, very satisfying. And the last line is spot on. It feels like a kind of closure, but I very much want to know what happens next. Overall I really enjoyed this. There are some details that need work, I think, but overall I got a great sense of setting (there's always room for a tad more description though, using other senses, the heat, the sights: could perhaps have got a bit more sense of scale of the surrounding and the landscape). I thought the pacing was strong. There was very little exposition, but you still put might into that setting with small references that I didn't need to understand now, but am confident that I'll find out about later. Very strong conflict, good action that wasn't boring, and you used it to show your 'magic' system in action instead of telling us how it worked (there was that one bit of maid-and-butler). I think this is a fair bit stronger than the Scar Sab in terms of the writing, and I'm very keen to read more. <R>

Now posted in the correct thread, <slaps forehead> (page 1) - "abounded inthe image" - I felt the grammar was off. - "each one a critical [missing word?]that could not be lost, each one representing a squad of Ws fallen" - I felt there was a word missing here, critical what? Also, I was unsure if you meant fallen Ws, if not, then fallen from what? I was unclear. - I'm really confused by what's going on. I thought that Ws were against the POV characters. And there are lots of terms and names flying around none of which mean anything to me. What whole thing will fall? I really think the opening has to be clearer. Do we need to hear about the graduate MJ thing here? I had to read that 2 or 3 times to get the sense of it. - You could quite happily start the Prologue with "The doors of the small war chamber opened" Everything there is clear, unambiguous and his instant conflict with none of the confusion over all the facts and titles and names in the first few paragraphs that cause confusion (for me). (page 2) - Yes, this moral conflict between the two is much easier to read. I flew through it until I got to the term 'mi--'. I don't know what this is, so I don't really feel the stakes. I feel the stakes for humanity, by why do I care that the creatures want the 'mi--'? (page 3) - "right outside" - Huh? If there is battle going right outside the war room then this is the last gasp surely. But, if the pal is actively in the midst of fighting, how can they just stop and come into a meeting?! Very confused. - "left out the door" - Obviously. Doesn't need saying, he can just leave the room. (page 4) - The pal arrives so quickly. This feels unreal, like no time has passed, but Vin had to go to the front, then they had to come back. And who is now holding the defence? - "thismonsters can be" - typo. - "To his left, E gasped" - I always struggle to remember that I'm reading YA, when I'm reading YA. This sounds melodramatic to me, but I guess it's okay for YA? (page 5) - "both of our peoples" - Confused. So, are the Ws of a different race? - "remove the Council" - This seems bizarre to me, and far, far too easy for someone to abuse that power. One person, not elected, can remove the ruling Council on a whim? Weird. - "panicked retreat proved its own profession of guilt" - This is freaky. What exactly is she guilty of, expressing a contrary opinion? And now that disagreement is going to be settled by butchery. I really hope this P is the bad guy, that's how it reads to me. (page 6) - I don't understand the significance of 'Descend'. They's standing right there. As something that is unexplained, I don't know how to deal with it and therefore have no choice but to ignore it. - What is the backlash? Confused. - "held firmly by an unseen hand" - I have no idea what is going on. (page 8) - What's the significance of the boom, seems weird. - "as most of the scenery faded to gray" - I don't think the term 'scenery' applies to internal furnishings. I would say it's a terms applied to external settings, landscape, etc. (page 9) - I rather like the description of going into the Un---- World, and it explains Descending to me, but it's rather late on page 9. I think you need something in place earlier when Descending is first mention. Just enough of a hint to keep me going till I get this demonstration. - "both wore matchingexpressions of muted horror" - This is redundant, repeating the function that 'both' serves. Or could say 'They wore expressions of muted horror.' Otherwise, it is cluttered. - On page 7 he says he needs her soul, but he gives her something, so she still has her soul. Doesn't seem consistent. (page 10) - "your death ensures..." - Yeah, confused. - "she whimpered" - I don't believe this of her. She's set up as the toughest warrior in the land. Seems like she would meet death with defiance. No one is coming out of this prologue well. But the female characters seems either to be traitorous or cowardly, which is not great. - "one or two of the MJ gasped" - Wait, where did all these people come from? Blocking problem. This is the first I've conscious of anyone else being present apart from the people playing some part in events. - "knife through butter" - Terribly clichéd metaphor. One of the tiredest ones out there. I know it's YA, and maybe cliché is not an issue, but this is very low-hanging fruit to me. - "was already [missing word]her lungs" (page 11) - "locked his gaze" - I feel like it's the second or third time he has done this. It's another overused phrase, imo. - "until the light faded from themcompletely" - Grammar issue: the reference is to her gaze, which is singular, so he can't lock with 'them' unless the reference it to her eyes (plural). - "Once she was dead, the world shook" - Why? Don't really understand. - "the only survivors of D assault on their city" - What? Confused again. What happened to the other people in the room, who were gasping? So, everyone's dead now, just like that? The event has no weight, so it's very difficult to believe, not least because there's not explanation of what just happened. - But wait, they haven't survived at all; they're dead. This is so confusing. - "The world shook a third time" - The shaking and the booming is not explained. (page 12) - "kept the continent aloft" - Whaaa? No foreshadowing of this, it just appears from nowhere. Without the set up, it's just another unexplained thing. For things like this to work, I really need a reference to 'the floating continent' or some such early in the story, so that I can buy in when something happens to it later. - "Rag-------" - No way. This is just a completely undisguised (almost) anagram of Ragnarök. - It's not a bad ending to the prologue. The final couple of lines have impact, but would have so much more if what went before was not so jumbled and difficult to buy into. Overall I had a lot of issues with this. There is so much that is not explained, or which just happens with little emotional weight to it that it's very difficult to buy into the situation. The overall arc of betrayal and deceit is potentially very powerful, and the planetary forces at play could be compelling, but I think there is a lot of work to do on the clarity of what is going on, and a lot of the references, characters and set up. I don't feel the danger of the situation, the hopelessness, the last gasp desperation. The Pal being called in from battling at the very gates of the citadel, I didn't feel that: I didn't seem plausible. My overall take-away was a sense of confusion, and lack of explanation. In some case, I think the right thing to do would be to remove details that are unnecessary and can be introduced in the main story itself. One of the recent Writing Excuses podcast (Season 14, Episode 22) is entitled Characters Out of Their Depth, but it deals also with reader confusion. I recommend (if you haven't already) listening to the cast from about 13/13:30 minutes in, when Brandon poses the question about new writers confusing their readers and Mary-Robinette responds about good confusion and bad confusion. Well worth a listen, given the issues I think there are with this opening to the story. Summary: there's potential, but needs plenty of work, IMO. Thanks for sharing!! <R>

Aw wtf? I just posted my comments to Alderant's submission in your thread! Apologies: senior moment on my part. I was wondering where the Western theme was

I must admit I read it as 'protagonist is accosted by thugs who have tribal tattoos because they think it makes them look tough and threatening, but which have no wider cultural significance other than to reference a Westernised society that is ignorant of the designs' origin'. I totally accept that "swarthy" is problematic.

Project 75192: Update 5 - Bags No.3 - 'Mini-figures!!' So, this is the first of four 'platforms' constructed separately, that fit into the four quadrant of the frame (Image 5). It has a sliding 'trapdoor' that turns out to house a cannon. Odd to find a rubber element, not common in Lego and therefore of particular interest! It's purpose seems to be to give resistance to the sliding of the door, so it only slides under finger pressure, and not randomly as you 'fly' your Millennium Falcon around the room in hyperspace. The platform is satisfyingly 'pegged' into place with the prepositioned bolts. Then, it's minifigure time!! Porgs! Woo hoo. They don't seem impressed by Chewy and C3-PO. Porg #1: "That shiny one, he never shuts up." Porg #2: "Tell me about it, but at least he doesn't shed on the carpet."

There is a style of tattoo that it referred to as tribal, but which is--as far as I am aware (I know a bit, but am not an expert)--completely different from actual tattoos used by tribes such as the Maori and Polynesian peoples. Not that this is a clear distinction drawn in the text it has to be said.

I sit corrected

I love listening to writers talk about writing. I also love to listen to journalists talk about film. Anyway, for RE purposes, there's a very enjoyable (I thought) interview with Lee Child (author of 25? Jack Reacher books) from the Empire Podcast (well-respected movie magazine in the UK) in which Child talks about various things, but touches on his writing style and process. I thought there were some good snippets. It's not technical, but I just think he's very easy to listen to. Episode #290. I think you need to get via iTunes or Soundcloud or some such. https://www.empireonline.com/tags/empire-podcast/9/

Real-world slang for diarrhea. Yeah, it the was context, I didn't read it as that because it was just that one word sitting on its own. We're here to help! Sounds interesting.

I'm glad to be reading another chapter of this, especially one that's had the benefit of a good edit. Sometimes, first chapters can be the most difficult, and following ones can be more in rhythm and progressive, so I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes. (page 1) - Interesting epigraph, but why is it on a page of it's own? I should come before general chapter text, I suggest. Why not review examples in books on your shelf? This was odd to me. Also, I didn't get a sense of numbers attacking the lord. It's a good idea for an epigraph, but I think it lacks punch, scale, description. It's hard to picture the scene. (page 2) - "was probably happening outside" - Vague words like 'probably' are a turnoff, I think. It's more engaging for prose to be more direct and positive, assertive, if you like. - "weren't uncommon" - Similar to the above, negative phrasing is less engaging than positive phrasing (i.e. fights were common). - "if someone wasn't bled" - This sounds more like a medical procedure, as in bleeding to let out the poison, use of leaches, etc. Also by someone, do you mean each individual person? Phrasing not the clearest. - "The hut was one room large" - this is redundant for me, and phrasing sounds odd. Not needed, imo. - Actually, I have a lot of issues with this sentence. I feel there's a lot of redundant stuff in it that just clutters it. "The hut was one room large, with a cook pot to cook his food in, a bed opposite the door, and his a thigh-high surgeon’s table for his patients, which stood against the adjoining left wall." Covered large already. We know what a cooking pot does, no need to tell us. Doesn't matter where the door is. The surgeon's table will be the correct height for the purpose, no need to tell us that. How is the wall adjoining? Does that mean it is shared with another building? Not clear. You describe what's in the room, but the description is very basic. I don't know anything about colour, feel/texture (i.e. materials), smell, light levels: all the things that allow the reader to picture a place. I'm not saying write twice as much, I just think the description could be more effective. (page 3) - "latched shut with a deadbolt" - In that case, it's bolted shut, surely? - "pounded on it from the other side"- Again, this is redundant. Obviously they are not pounding on it from his side of the door. I'm not going to mention any more of this redundant phrasing because there's too much to read to stop on every page (I imagine there will be more!). My message would be to ask if something it necessary as you write it. If it's obvious, leave it out. Readers get pretty tired of being treated like they're dumb pretty quickly. - "he would have felt dirty in turn" - This sentence confuses me. He seems to know about sanitation, so he knows it's not a waste of water, surely, otherwise his patients could get infected from a dirty table. His thought doesn't help to convince me about his abilities. - "But as the only person with medical experience in CP" - You've said this already, no need to repeat. Or, at least rephrase so it sounds different. - "refused to divulge his knowledge" - good detail, like that, and enjoyed the line about the teeth. - "definitely, stabbed" - What's this comma for? Strange. Suggest delete. (page 4) - "burrow their way..." - Nice bit of gruesome alteration there - "bright orange color" - I'm not medic, but I cannot imagine it's necessary for a blade to be that hot. It it's orange, is that not forging temperature? I'd suggest researching that, but I'd tend to skip details that either cannot be confirmed or aren't relevant. He heats the blade to sterilise it, fine, move on, imo. (page 5) - "looked like that all the blood" - typo/grammar. - "It was definitely a process" - I don't know that this means: a hard process? I don't follow. - "needed their help" - I got no sense that they ever thought he needed their help: they never offered any. (page 7) - "out of emotion" - Grammar: this ain't it. What emotion, there are lots. "Twisted, rabid emotion." - I know, but you still haven't said what emotion: anger, lust, jealousy, fear. - The name CP is a bit odd, or rather, it's odd that some places are generic fantasy names, but CP is not, and even Star is something else. Generic fantasy names, to me, don't convey any sense of setting or world-building, because they mean nothing to the reader. I've been there myself, making up names for places. I think it's more interesting and rewarding for the reader if they have a basis in setting or world, language, something that the reader can identify with. - I think the Lig--- town is spelled differently in this two instances, but same place, yes? (page 8) - On one level it's weird that Outpost is a city, but then the reader can surmise that it used to be an outpost of very little, but grew into a city. This kind of goes to illustrate my point above. - "Walking with on feet that" - extra word. Also, sentence structure around here not great. First one is not a complete sentence, imo, and the second one is a run-in, imo. There are ways to break these rules effectively, but I'm just not sure it's happening here. - "barraging her with an avalanche of questions" - Heh, classic mixed metaphor here. Would he not barrage her with a barrage of questions? Just sounds kind of messy. - "they tended to hound you" - I don't feel all that engaged with L's supposed blood-soaked background. It's pretty much standard for hard-bitten antiheroes these days. I know we've seen her in a fight but, I don't know. I think it's telling not showing and I think that always will be less effective. The "been fighting half my life" line, for me, was rather jaded, verging on cliché. I mean, so what? Say you're 30, you've been fighting for 15 years, why do I care? Im sure there are plenty of others who have been the same. - "wrinkled old hag" - What L? That line doesn't land for me, because it's clearly untrue, is it not? - "brain damage" - You've indicate that the italics identify something by way of a twist. I'm trying to keep references like this in mind in order to judge later how I feel about the whole thing when it's revealed. (page 9) - "Probably eaten" - This is a great bit of world-building, I think. Subtle, better than telling us about ribvs, which I don't know, and can't picture. - "he obliged her" - You said they were 10 minutes away, but then it sounds like P talks for at least 10 mins with all the info he gives her. - "--runs--" - I don't get it: what's this? (page 11) - "two-foot distance" - That's very little if it's a cordon sanitaire to prevent him attacking her. His fist could reach over that distance and pop her one. I think it should be further. - "that's a kid's story" - I don't know enough about the world to buy into this properly. It doesn't really carry as much impact as it should, I think. Compared for example if this was set on Earth and she was from Atlantis. (page 12) - "overpowered or killed" - These two things are not equivalent and opposite. I think maybe 'and' would be better than 'or'. - "A wordless half-hour dragged by" - you said they were ten minutes away: continuity. (page 13) - "outermost part of the town's perimeter" - The perimeter is the our edge. This feels like saying the same thing twice, imo. - "yet even more desert" - again, one of 'yet' and 'even' is redundant. - If it's only a foot wide, it's not a drawbridge, it's a plank. You would never design any kind of bridge to that size, imo. - Why does the brothel have a 'moat'? Confused. - "fist-sized hole" - I'm not sure what the tone of this story is. It comes over all hard-bitten and gritty, although I don't really feel that, then there is a broadly comic moment like this, which feels odd to me. P as the shambling fall guy feels like he's from a different story. - "old and wrinkled" - I did not get that sense from the scene with G before. (page 14) - "noticed her for the first time" - I really don't buy this, she's standing right there and G is incredibly nervous of violence after what just happened to him. He's going to notice someone with a sword right away, probably before he notices P, imo. - "did you lose an arm on your way up here?" - I don't buy this either. He's enough of a medical man to know that if sh'e just lost the arm she would not be able to walk around as nothing had happened. - "Come on in" - For a man about to run from the town for his life, he gives in awful easily to treating her, isn't seem to thin about it much at all, or put up much resistance. - Hmm, POVs - I'm trying to decide how I feel about an other POV shift so soon. I hardly feel like we've been in L's POV at all before we are back in G's, and practically in the middle of the same scene. I don't see a good reason for switching. Who is the main character of the story? How am I supposed to know? I would suggest trying to write and good story well in one POV before hopping around in multiple POVs. - "at the earliest" - Weird way to describe age. What is the point of that? - "a fair amount of silver hairs" - Grammar. It's 'fair amount of silver hair' or 'fair number of silver hairs', otherwise you've got singular / plural disagreement. I don't mind characters talking with poor grammar, but it bothers me when it's narrative. (page 15) - "pilfered through the chest" - wrong word: 'pilfer' means 'to steal'. Clearly he is not doing that as he has G's permission. (page 16) - Two people 'starting' at each other is weird and repetitive. - "She seemed in no particular rush to explain." - I just don't understand enough about the world, so these references and sense of surprise and shock don't really land. Why should I be amazed at someone knowing what a prune is? I don't have enough set up. - Also, prune juice. If G uses it regularly (ha-ha, see what I did there?) he's going to burn through his supply very quickly. How does he replenish his supply? Sounds like he can't, in which case. He'd run out in a matter of weeks, would he not? Physiologically speaking, I don't think a couple of drops in ones tea is going to have the desire effect, is it? - "Two by midday" - Does he mean patients? If this is such a violent place, I would have thought that would be quite low, but certainly not unusual. All you would need is two people fighting to have two people in need of medical attention. (page 17) - "And both of them had enough muscle between the two of them" - grammar. This is repeating the same idea. You only need one of these, they don't work together. In fact, they're contradictory. 'Both of them had enough muscle' means that one of them had enough muscle on their own, whereas 'had enough muscle between them' means that neither had enough muscle on their own. Maybe both had half enough muscle. (page 18) - He's stitching her wound with twine? Surely that will get infected in a New York minute? Do they not have cat gut or something like that? Maybe not. - "she is paying" - She said she would. Why would she bother saying she would if she wasn't going to? Why not just threaten him to treat her? I wasn't convinced by him doubting she would pay initially. - She's heading for the door, but she's staring at him? That doesn't sound right, like she would need eyes in the back of her head. (page 19) - "too dangerous to perform life-saving maneuvers on a man with a stab wound" - Huh? But he's dead, what's the down side going to be? He can only die once, might as well try to save him. Not good logic here. - "still have time before C gets back" - I thought G already had decided to leave? This seems to present a different situation, or maybe I'm reading it wrong. (page 20) - "slice off [missing word?] bodyguard's private bits here" - like 'your'? - How can you make a crutch out of one shin (bone)? - "any chance you could take these guys? I'm afraid I’m making a case for us swapping names right about now" - Half the town?!?!?! That's not a reasonable question to ask, imo. Also, I don't understand the line about swapping names, because everyone knows who they are, so there's no premise for that to be funny. Overall I'm still missing huge amounts of background on the world, so I cannot understand why it is the way it is, and why some statements are significant. I can't invest in things like F being a mystical place, or prune juice being this amazing elixir, because I have no context. The characters are not as engaging or immersive as they could be. I don't feel any personal connection to them, certainly not to L. G was fine, rural sawbones in trouble. I think it's the lack of description, or rather the description there is not really pulling its weight, or rather showing that the character have weight. The tone, I feel, is rather uneven. I mention above where I thought that stood out. I don't feel the grimness, only occasionally glimpse it, I think, but I just don't feel it's driven home. Sorry to not be more positive, but I think this needs more work. I think maybe it would be a benefit to read some stuff that is in a similar vein, to see how other authors convey the sense of grime, and violence, and hand-to-mouth existence. POVs - I'm really not a fan of having more than one, when the central POV is not on screen for very long, and isn't grabbing me by the throat and dragging me through the story. Hope there is something useful here. I'd be interested to read this after some more revision. <R> p.s!!! - Sorry, pretty heavy on the negatives again. I do like the doctor as a character, I think he's go good potential to be the more compelling of the characters on screen. I do like the set up, but I'm frustrated at not having a clear picture of the world. I like a good deal of the dialogue, some bit's not so much. The pacing, for me, is good (notwithstanding POV changes). There are positive here, and I think the story has potential, I just think there is more work to be done to get there.

I like it! What a great concept that pairing up of songwriters. Did they draw the names out of a hat, or was it more organised than that?

Oh no, hope everything gets resolved okay. Good luck.

Onto No.3 packs. There are minifigs! Tune in to next exciting episode

Fair enough, I can remember being 18 (vaguely). Sounds cool.

Glad to read the next part of this (page 1) - "destroying and killing" - odd pairing, I thought. Killing basically applies to live things, but destroying can apply to live people, animals and buildings. I think a more thought-provoking choice of words would be more effective here. - 32 BGK is not immediately recognisable as a date. It could conceivably be a place or a location, at first glance. - Why is speaking the old tongue anathema. Need an explanation of that. I don't see a reason to keep that reason concealed from the reader. - I'm already thinking this is a better opening than L's POV. This chapter's opening is much cleaner, it introduces one idea at a time and, for the most part, explains them, drawing the reader in. I like that the GK is... (Oh, I see what BGK is now ) introduced in a neutral way, implied to be good. (page 2) - I like the opening. I like that you've set up a family-oriented situation, but with an undercurrent of conflict (mama's disappearance). I'm not someone who needs action from the first line. What I want is interest and engagement with character (or maybe setting) from the first line. Some people find that easier to do with action, but it's not the only way to do it, imo. - I like Z's voice. I'm convinced she's a 14-year-old girl. - "There was were always leftovers" - grammar. - "the dawn hours" - I'm not convinced dawn lasts for hours, does it? Or is that my gruff northerner bias showing through my grizzled beard? - Why do they need to touch the Chile when they're soaking it? This reads like you've researched it, so I've no reason to disbelieve, just not sure why they don't use an implement to avoid numbing of the fingers. (page 3) - "She had long hair" - Odd to describe the length of the hair and not the colour. I don't know how to picture her. Also, I don't know how to picture the woman because I don't know when "the turn of age" happens, or what it is. - "tall, gnarled walking staff" - for me, there should be a comma between words listed to describe and item because traditionally there is a slightly longer pause between such descriptors, I would say. (page 4) - "There’s soldiers with them" - Grammar: There are soldiers with them. - "still outwardly kind" - Eh, what? How's that? There was no indication that other were not until now. Why does no one else respect P? You need to explain that. Every character in the story knows why this is, so imo it's not right to keep that from the reader: it's frustrating. (page 5) - "Meet in thirty?" - Bit unclear. I presume she means meet at the hall in half-an-hour. - "But she knew better." - Better than what? Unclear. - "when he accepted a spot on the town council" - Nope, super confused now. How is it he's on the council when no one respects him (apart from his family, I guess, and Es)? I would think that would make a council position untenable. - "the the" - delete repeated word. Also, ah, I see about the lack of respect, but you need to explain why that is. It's not mysterious to hide it from the reader, it's frustrating. Okay, we know a little bit more, but this is not the mystery at the heart of your story, this is background and--as I mentioned--everyone else in the story, in particular the POV character (Z, I presume) knows all about it, but chooses not to think about the details. Not really plausible, IMO. - "my little avocado" - ooh, that is not a nice pet name. "most deplored nickname" - just by her, or by everyone in their society? (page 6) - "Go enjoy the fiestalike a normal kid" - How can she do that when everyone in town hates her? I just don't follow the logic. How is it she's got any friends when everyone in town hates her and her dad? - "because she didn’t have friends" - But her dad must know that. No way he doesn't know that, so saying what he said is just cruel. - "the tears to fall" - much more emotionally involving to say 'her tears', imo. Otherwise the emotion is kept at more of a distance, disassociating her from the tears. - "two story home" - 'two storey', or is this an Americanism? - "Her plan was..." - You don't need to explain this. Let the reader figure it out. I think most people would assume this was what she was planning. Spoon feeding the reader is not engaging, imo. (page 7) - "Out of all the children at school..." - very wordy sentence. This can be reworded to be more compact and to flow better. - "the pueblo turned ugly" - I really should not have to be on page 7 before I lean this, IMO. - "The only reason..." - two reasons are given. 'No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!' Also, the thing about the term is not a reason not to kick someone of a Council. I'd suggest deleting the reference to the terms and just referring to the one reason, that there's no proof of complicity. That would be much cleaner, and therefore would impact more, imo. (page 8) - "But--" "Just..." - Why do you use different punctuation in these two instances? I'm not seeing a difference between them. Seems inconsistent. (page 9) - "The rope on this side" - The reader doesn't really have a 'this side'. - "hysterical desire to cut it" - Surely Z only needs to let her end of the rope go? - "grouping up with these two seemed like her only chance" - That wasn't the case when she set out though, since she didn't know they would be there. (page 10) - "well-tended grass" - this is a compound adjective, should be hyphenated. - "Not much else to do here for fun around here" - extra word. - "feeling a strange sense of surreal euphoria" - overdoing it with these two adjectives. One is plenty. In this forms, it's duplication, imo. - "When was the last time she had done anything besides study with someone else her age besides study?" - You've split the first clause in half with the second, imo. - "There were no guards to stop them, of course" - Why 'of course'? I've been thinking since this scene started that being able to just wander into the house is ridiculous. Doesn't the mayor have any security at all? Even personal homeowner-style security? A door that gets locked? Seems a bit bizarre when they are having an emergency meeting like this. (page 11) - "the meeting area" - This makes it sound like an office or public building, but it's just the mayor's house, right? I think it would place us more in the setting if this was just the mayor's living room. It seems unlikely that a house would have a room only for meetings. - "pulled from the dining table" - Ah, so its the dining room, not the meeting room. Also, pulled 'back' from the table? I can't picture it so well because I don't know it they're sitting around the table or have pulled the chairs into some other configuration. Ah, you go on to describe the set-up. - "walking staffs or cains canes" - typo. (page 12) - "They all looked frightened" - They've gone from being on edge, to be being nervous to being frightened. I don't mind that, but it seems a bit one note that everyone is one thing at the same time, then another, then another, without variation. - "get back to my regimen" - typo. - "and Agent of the" - should this be 'an'? Also, no need to capitalise 'agent'. If you go around capitalising a bunch of stuff, it just ends up that nothing has any impact. - "You may have heard of me" - Oh, dear G*d this is the most horribly insecure thing that any person in authority could say. I have just dismissed him as being an idiot. No, wait, it's Troy McClure, I remember him from such novels as I'm A Non-entity, Get Me Out Of Here, and Ready, Steady Snooze. - The line will have the impact you're looking for if you just let us see Z's almost-gasp. - “By order of the..." - new paragraph. - "I’m sorry, but, but... what?" - Need a comma between repeated words. Also, this dialogue sounds cheesy. All the stuttering and pauses. I've been happy with everything so far (barring minor comments) and the voices have been convincing and consistent, I think, but this scene / last page is not working for me. It's not up the same standard, imo. Have you read it back out loud to see how it sounds? That's a great technique for weeding out roping dialogue. (page 13) - "no way for us to make up the losses" - Huh? Do they charge people to go to the fiesta? - "What kind of threat could we possibly be to anyone?" - does she not understand what quarantine means? - “I can’t reveal much, but I can say…” The general hesitated. “Nothing I am about to say can leave this room, do you understand?” - More awkward dialogue. He sort of repeats himself with 'say'. - "go off on it’s own" - typo: its (page 14) - Can we assume that no one whose name we know said any of the lines that are untagged? - "the silence that followed was tantamount" - wrong word, not sure what might have been intended. - "Z reluctantly followed" - split infinitive. Maybe it's just me, the writing fraternity, certainly at our level, seems to have given up on this. I still think it sounds bad a lot of the time (I do occasionally do it myself). I think in this case, 'Z followed reluctantly' sounds much smoother, more direct. - "hear them back here" - awkward repetition of the sound, imo. And then 'hear' is used again in the next sentence. - "I know where it is" - Boom! That's a massive reveal, surprising and unexpected. nice job. - "What? Know where what is?" - I really don't like this line. What on Earth else would he be talking about? I don't see how he can be referring to anything else, and Z is definitely not daft. I'm sure she would know instantly what he was talking about. (page 15) - "Why not?" - Good question. This explanation better be good. - "written ORPHAN on every page" - I'm not a fan of the bold type here. CAPS should be plenty. (page 16) - "Her pinky interlocked with his" - This sounds like the finger acts of its own volition. It would be more engaging, especially at the end of the chapter, if she interlocked her finger with his, making it more like a personal investment of trust. OVERALL This was a way more engaging chapter to start with. I thought the style was just as smooth as the other chapter, but that the content flowed much more cleanly, the ideas were introduced and general explained as they came up. There were other characters who were convincing, solid backstory, almost nicely delivered. I didn't like the gradual, teasing reveal of what her mother did. I'm not saying spill it all at once, but I think the way it's revealed is frustrating. Rather then doing it in a linear way, only giving one event in the chain at a time then stopping, you might consider showing the whole event, but going down through layers of detail vertically (if that makes any sense). In summary, I enjoyed this chapter more than the first one, because of its clarity. I think that was the biggest problem with the last one we read, too much too soon not explained. Good work here. Thanks for sharing <R>

Personally, I'd rather see these as chapters than save ~500 words on the week and have to parse across chapter breaks. Comments: (page 1) - "thus more notes are required to make changes" - For me, this could be more dramatic. I imagine this is gong to play a part near the end, and I want it to be really hard for S (presumably?) to do whatever he needs to do to save the day (presumably?). So, would it be overstating to say 'thus, vastly more notes are required...'? - Love 'Prophet' being the name of a time maj. However, "quite valuable" again seems to underplay the value. - "surge of hot jealousy" - At first, I reacted against this, then I remembered that S is really quite young. Then I remembered that I was not at all sure what age S is. I reckon 15/16? In which case, this phrase is entirely right. - "hand was no longer stuck in the half-melted shape" - Maybe WRS, but I don't remember much about this at all. Does it need to be played up more? Might there be a line when In tries to grab S with the twisted hand? (page 2) - "the last of the distance to the back wall" - suggested to flow. - "Someone had told him that, many times" - What? What about it? Unclear. - "hadn’t wanted to use that method in on him" - typo? 'on' sounds better, I think. - "Not at the moment, he wasn’t couldn't" - I feel that S's thought should respond to the question directly, to improve flow. WW say's 'can you?', hence 'couldn't', imo. - "Xyr turned" - Isn't this 'Xy' - as in He/She? - "in shock at the callous use suggestion of eugenics" - It's not actually a use though, it's just a suggestion in this case? Maybe, inference, implication, but WW does not 'use' it on S. (page 3) - "There was a gauze of silk-like fabric covering the opening" - Redundant: you're describing the same thing twice, imo. - "The wall of the Nether loomed very close to the edge" - No need for a comma here. I can't hear a pause. - "hard enough without any disadvantage" - Awkard. I think 'a' or 'this' would both be better than 'any'. 'any' is vague and non-specific. Either of the alternatives would be more positive, and therefore engaging, keeping the reader in the moment. - "heat that blossomed in his belly" - I think this is supposed to be anger, but I didn't make that connection. heat in the belly sounds more like indigestion to me. I think it would be easier to understand heat in his face, clenching his hands, something more closely associated with anger. This aside, I like seeing some backbone from S. - "is a prejudiced bigot" - What? Where the heck does he get this from? Don't understand. Seems like a huge leap. Is he saying WW is prejudiced against people with vertigo? I hardly think that's an obvious and likely prejudice. - "different angle than the section they came through" - This feels vague to me. Suggest adding '...to get to this facet' or 'to get here'. (page 4) - "There must be another corner" - This is very interesting to me. I think it's important and I want more information / clearer description. Is it a right-angled corner? If so, to me it could imply two more facets!! - "The HoT is through here" - ...or maybe not. - "an arm's reach away" - I don't believe this. For one, has he ever experienced that? For two, I think he would be curled up in the ball on the ground if it was that loud. That would be unbearable. - "I can hear what you're doing" - Confused. WW brought them through the wall to the facet. Now they're asking S to take them through the wall. S replies indicating he will use Matter to do it. So, is WW of the HoM too? But S says he should be able to hear other houses, so WW must be using another house, not Matter. Confused. This bit is unclear. (page 5) - Still confused. I thought gold and silver were matter and time (or vice-versa). I don't remember. The whole new house thing seems in flux and I can't keep track of it. It's gone from exciting to confusing. - "passed through like a wet finger through a soap bubble" - Wouldn't the finger burst the bubble? (page 6) - "As easy to tell how far away an island was when spotted on a stormy ocean" - Confusing analogy the way it's phrased. I don't understand the comparison being drawn. - "The colors of all the houses flashed along her path" - More specific please, and more wonder in description, please. All eight(?) houses? What are the colours? I want to see them. - "There was little sound inside the wall" - We were told before "all was quiet". This seems contradictory. - "but was probably only a few minutes" - I think a stronger distinct between his perception and reality would help here. - "supplied everything his body required" - This is repetitious of what you said before about him not need to breathe and being supplied with O2. - "fish slipping through the water" - Nice image, nice analogy. - Repetition of 'around' is disorienting. (page 7) - "This is the HoT" - Awesome. It's sooo cool that it is inside the wall and no one else can get in. Nicely done; very different. Surprising yet inevitable, maybe? - Narrative about the notes etc. and is over wordy, I think, and not easy to read. - "I will explain more" - Exposition alert. This is a bit too on-the-nose for me. Pin your ears back, I am about the explain a bunch of stuff to you while the reader goes and makes a cup of tea. - "S followed her" - pronoun typo, methinks. I believe this was not the first one. - "In would have loved it here" - This is really good relationship building, thinking of the other person first, it's very convincing and really makes me believe S's feelings for In. (page 8) - "pass through the column walls" - Could this be simplified to 'columns'? The use of the word 'wall' in describing columns is confusing when you are making a comparison with 'wall walls', if you see what I, mean. - "pushed a screen of hanging vines back" - Two things: (1) splitting the subject of the sentence (WW's action of pushing) with the object (the vines) makes for awkward reading: compare with 'pushed back a screen of hanging vines'. By 'diluting' the action you lose the clarity and the flow of the sentence, imo. (2) Have you every tried to push vines? I think you would end up pushing a couple of strands, your hand goes through and the bulk of the curtain would remain. Isn't it more likely that WW would pull the vines back like a curtain? - "between in the centuries between then and now" - repetition of 'between', typo? - "she gestured" - What, wait? Does WW's sex change from time to time? It's reeeeeeeeeeally confusing. Maybe it's WRS, maybe you told us this before but, if it is that case that their sex changes from minute to minute you're going to have to tell me every second time it happens, otherwise, I am never going to remember. There's too much else going on. (page 9) - "passed down from prophet to prophet" - No, confused again. Some time ago (in SoTH) how two house maj had specific names depending on the combination of their houses. Earlier in this chapter, you used 'prophet' as a title, which I think I conflated with that THM designation (and possibly also with Brandon's Mistborn titles for different types of MU). Now I'm confused--perhaps from my own initial misconception--that prophet seems to have a different meaning. It seems like another layer of title in a world with myriad titles and designations and titles. Gets confusing sometimes. - "there is fabled to be all manner of artifacts there" - grammar kind of muddy here. - "were once plentiful" - numerous, I would say, not plentiful. I would say plentiful is more commonly used for a substance which cannot be quantified individually. As in 'water was plentiful' > bottles of water were numerous. IMO. - "any maj who belonged" - This seems weird to me. So if you're HoM, you are also automatically HoT? There seems to be no basis for that. The corollary might be that no maj of any other house can also be either an HoT or an HoM. It's rather inelegant if I'm honest. I feel like it undermines the wondrous diversity of the symphony and the maj. - "I can teach you" - Confused by the punctuation here. Is WW saying they can teach S of the HoT and the HoM? (page 10) - "the inside of the Spire" - This could be more elegant. 'interior'? - "They went up into the gloom of the ceiling" - I thought this was S and WW moving. Specificity would help here 'The shelves stretched up into the gloom...' (page 11) - "I can feel the time in this place" - age? years? 'time' as used here sounds to me more like, it's 11:15. (page 12) - "A pool where any outcome may or may not happen" - missing word. Sentence sounds off without something in here, imo. - "Perhaps an effect of the dual Houses" - I struggle to put this beside the fact that it was implied that all HoM are HoT. So is it not that case that all HoT are HoM? Confused, still. - "I know there are records here which reference the HoM" - sounds repetitive of what was said earlier. We know this already. (page 13) - I like the feeling of portent, and the reveal of the implication that S may not have come to the N by accident. (page 14) - "much faster than any of us anticipated" - typo, I think. Overall There's a lot of exposition here. There are good emotion notes, and there is a lot of good information, but I just think there is a bit too much walking and talking. I would be trying to cut this chapter down at a word level. I think you very easily could take 10-15% off the words out without losing any of the information. I would like to feel the tension higher throughout the chapter, maybe inject S's sense of time slipping away at the start of the chapter, then it can run through the whole chapter instead of just being raised in the last couple of pages. I like the S is taking a bit more ownership of events, very good. I love that he has a fancy gee-gaw, like a sonic-screwdriver-ring-thing!! There is some logic off in relation to the way the relationship ship between HoT and HoM is described, I think. I do really like the HoT though, how it is situation and the set up within it. Even still, I probably can be dialled up a little more. There doesn't seem to be much special about the building itself. Crunchy old stone temple seems a bit low-hanging fruit. It's a good chapter, I just think it has the potential to pop way more than it does at the moment. Good first draft. <R>

Project 75192: Update 4 - Bags No.2 - 'Mass' Production ("What the heck are these things?") Only three bags this time around, and construction of six identical elements. But what the heck are they...? Nice ratchet detail allowing the edge pieces to fold in and create an angular appearance. Ohhh, they're feet! Of course they are.

Thank you! I'd love to say I was putting the finishing touches on it, but I'm actually trying to revise Il Rosso and submit to GSFWC tomorrow.

The correct answer is though, that I am going to fix it! (That should have been my first answer ).