Robinski

Hey Mr. Hawk, interested to read this, and sorry for the delay. Seems to me it's getting really busy around here!! No excuses though. So, the word 'prologue' always makes me pause, but we'll see. (page 1) - Decent epigraph. It's clear and unambiguous. RCs = important. I get it and I understand what they do and why it's valuable. - I like the style. I think I've said this before, but anyway... it's direct, uncomplicated. I think the prose could be tidied up. Some of the word choice could be more colourful and descriptive. You use 'horrible' twice in different references. That word doesn't really say much, it's telling, without showing why something of horrible. (page 2) - There's a pretty complete lack of description. I don't mind that too much because it adds to the directness of this section. Some authors write that way and leave surroundings rot the imagination of the reader. I think maybe the prose is just a bit too sparse. - I'm not quite clear. When you say share a bunk, are they lovers, or is it a top bunk, bottom bunk kind of deal? - There's good tension on the page, I think. I'm invested in her feeling the rift, in being disoriented, and in this fraud thing. The thing that really hits me is that I don't quite see how this is a prologue yet. It reads like as chapter to me. Is there a time shift? This may become clearer. As an opening to a story, I'm happy enough. (page 3) - Iv: I don't buy this. The knot is a good idea, but I would have thought that they would be much closer than the feel. Iv is mentioned almost incidentally, whereas I would have thought they would be very close as a unit (of three) and one of their first thoughts would be about the third member of their knot. In other words, I would have thought she would be mentioned higher up on page 2. - The knot offers loads of potential, especially if R and C are sharing a bunk in a carnal sense. - You're missing several hyphens. There are compound adjectives that should be hyphenated (like high-pitched shriek). (page 4) - "Good woman" - I'm not really invested in R's experience and seniority enough for it to set comfortably that she's expressing superior-sounding opinions about others. Okay, this is a new recruit, but because you're referred to R in a way that makes her sound not all that capable, I didn't really buy this. Not sure I've got a sense of R's age either. - The description of T's horror is good but, for me, it comes too late. Surely it would be the first thing that R clocks when she kneels down, before calling for doctors and noticing other soldiers, etc. - I'm finding some passages quite wordy. Okay, first draft, fair enough, but this really can be a lot tighter, imo. There's a fair bit of repetition. E.g. "one of the soldiers asked from nearby as he pulled on his body armor. He, like the rest of the barracks, was already nearly dressed for battle. He paused when pausing in strapping his sword and quiver harness over his shoulders." - "everyone in the immediate vicinity was listening" - this does not sound like a well-drilled group to me. They should not all be standing around listening, surely, but rather taking up their positions for deployment, or something else more productive and organised. - I'm getting confused by all the terms. So, R is spec; M Corp; and an RC. It's a lot to take in a sort out. Can you be spec and MC, but not RC? Or an RC but not MC? I would look at simplifying this, it's confusing. Similarly, why call them non-spec and mundane. Don't have two terms if they mean the same thing, the reader will be able to see that mundane means non-spec. Also, mundane sounds just a tad like muggle. - "The soldiers around them turned their eyes away and pretended the RCs weren’t there" - I'm getting more confused. First the soldiers are standing around listening to them, now they're ignoring them? This feels inconsistent. - "Her limbs had gone catatonic" - I don't buy this: that can't be right, surely. Either a person is catatonic or they are not. Catatonia is a state of the mind, is it not? It can't just apply to limbs, surely. (page 5) - "If the girl’s soul lantern really was gone, that meant she had become what was called a shadow. Being a shadow was Worse than death, it was a complete loss of one's humanity. personality, a loss of the very essence that made one human." - Huge amount of repetition here. Clearly, you are telling us what it means, so you don't need to say this. Sorry, first draft, I know, but this stage just screams at me. - Does the other soldier matter? I really don't care the she came back for her bag? She'd better be some kind of double agent/infiltrator. Even if she is, and your foreshadowing a later reveal, it's still kind of blatant, just described directly. If she's not coming back, cut her, imo. If she is, I'd cut down the reference to her even more. Maybe the doctor bumps into her. - Average is a very cold, analytical word to use in describing something beautiful. - "honey-colored eyes" (page 6) - "also a walking staff" - you said this already, I'm sure. - "Vice Captain" - there is no such military rank. It's purely a sporting term. I current usage. If you want you military to have credibility with people who know about this stuff amongst your readership (like soldiers, sailors, etc.) I would strongly recommend using actual ranks, like lieutenant in this case. See this week's Writing Excuses podcast, which is all about war How convenient - "still the shuffling soldiers before him" - this is really bad discipline for trained soldiers. You said they had formed up ranks. It doesn't sound like that from this description. It's one thing for them to be whispering to each other, but they can still do that and maintain good drill form. (page 7) - "all five hundred plus soldiers" - No commas. - "but only the worst rifts ever opened" - grammar. - "sugar coat it" - cliché, imo. - "able-bodied soldier" - hyphen - "GK's Empire" - if it's an empire, shouldn't he be an emperor? - The rousing speech isn't all that rousing for me. Kind of tame. (page 8) - "The sky outside was blood red" - So is the sky inside. It's the same sky. - "they would hit the atmosphere and spider-web out over the entirety of the Empire as thick bars of lightning" - Really confused: so there is real lightning, but also manmade lightning? What's the purpose of that? Also, this phrase, just replace it with 'over the entire Empire' - this is another example of overwriting. I do this too sometimes, but it's so much easier to pick up other people for it - "Soon, the others followed" - Not for me. Are we saying a section is 100 soldiers? So, you've got the first sections filing out, which is very unspecific, then the rest of them followed, which sounds like it happens instantly. There's a real disconnect between the numbers of the description, imo. Overall So, I'm trying to think what I learn from this prologue. I made a list: 1 - There are rifts and RCs; 2 - There are mages, specs, munds, demons, world killers; 3 - There is an empire with a GK; 4 - There are soul lans, but I don't really get what they do - but I think I know enough, I don't need more expo on that; Does R's story continue in the book, or is this happening 100 years before? Likely, I'll learn that in the next chapter, and I'm pleased about getting five chapters of Z. I don't object to prologues automatically, but it seems to me this is either (1) your Chapter One (if R is in the book), or (2) you could easily cut it and provide the same info in the form of epigraphs. Or, (3), I think you could easily core this out and provide the salient information in two or three pages. Seems to me there is a lot of irrelevant stuff in here if it's a prologue, or even if it isn't. A prologue's not about telling us story about the character(s) (like the date she rebuffed, or the young soldier being nervous, but should only provide information essential to the reader understanding the story. I hope this helps! <R>

It's a real mix of younger people (20+) and everything older, up to one in their 60s, but in terms of street cred do you mean experience/success rate? Neil Williamson is serval times published novel-wise and numerous anthology shorts, Cameron Johnston has a two-book deal with Angry Robot, others variously have published shorts. There are also however numerous who are unpublished, and I would say several whose writing is... inexperienced. It was a bruising session, but when you dig down into the comments, they are not that bad,. Some of them are just plain whacky. Elsie (who must be 65) thought that job interviews in a coffee shop was a hugely outlandish idea! Now, we all know that's pretty much de rigour these days. There were lots of positives too, so although it was a rough ride. Many of the comments, which tended to recur of course, were entirely valid and worth addressing for clarity. I'm still very much enthused by the story and will edit and maybe ask you guys to take one more look towards the end of the year, then start subbing. Your point about street cred is a good one though. If anything, I would say they are--as an overall characteristic--a bit more staid than this group.

Right. Yes, that's what I thought. Okay then...<flexes fingers>

I too would like to submit on Monday, please.

Hey SSmooth, great to have your comments, as ever Okay. Reactions are somewhat mixed on the plethora of POVs. My general take-away is that they're going over better than last time! You're reaction (and analysis) is pretty much spot on. I'll need to consider if I should dispense with the other POVs and just have G's. It was set up as a trail, but I see your point. It's an interesting notion. Yeah, that was the point of the trail; each POV overlapping to lead into the E POV, which is the major one of the chapter, obvs. This is fascinating to me. Satisfying, and fascinating. I'm really interested to see what you make of future chapters, if you stick around for the journey (please stick around for the journey!!). Yup. Noted, and marked for edit. That's T-a-n-i-a. I can see how that could be unclear from the first mention of Terj. I've tweaked. Right. I will have a hard look at this section when I edit, starting in about an hour's time, I think. I could not possibly confirm or deny your theory. If that were to be the case, all I can hope is that (if I had intended it) you would find it surprising yet inevitable Yup. I'm going to tackle it. Hmm. Okay. I'm torn between just editing the bally thing or, since yous lot are my test audience, just telling you what's what so you can comment on this bit. But I don't want to colour your approach to what follows. So, I'm not going to tell you straight out. @Mandamon contemplated that there was an implication in E's words that the entity in Hab. #10 was a human. Also, the last line implies that there has been a death. I think it's the second that is the problem. Great comments, greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Hey, thank you for reading. Phew, that's great. There was a general down on this last time, I think, so I'm glad it's coming around. Yup. Yeah. I spend a lot of my professional time justifying technical findings to skeptical people, I've got this covered... somehow or other <waves hand in the air> "These aren't the 'droids you're looking for." Check. I'll aim dilute the telling around E's feeling. Yeah, right? I still don't know where this came from I love is as a passing note about that state of the world. Right, I'll need to tackle this. I was trying to reveal a little more to heighten the reader's curiosity about what was in there. I thought it was quite clear that the inhabitant was a 'he'. Many thanks for the comments! Always appreciated

Hey ID, really appreciate your comments, as always. I believe M's was in there before, but I've revised these first half-dozen chapter 3 or 4 times now: I'm losing track! Very pleased about this. Yeah. I've got a notion for a couple of sentences that call out how E experienced a 'reverse'. I mean, as you say, it's not a secret that she has genuine feelings for T, so there's no reason for me not to call her out (err... you know what I mean). She can still be a badass. And now, having manipulated people in her past using her sexuality, she is experiencing the thinly veiled abuse from M that perhaps she might think she deserves because of what she did to others (well, one prominent person at least) in her past/present. This is the nub of it. This is what I have to ameliorate. I'm glad the number of issues with this chapter seems to be reducing! Thanks so much for reading. <R>

Whatever the outcome, I certainly don't get to make a statement like that without proving a much more solid basis for E's position. I need to reconsider this carefully. Imagine how reprehensible it would be for her sole basis for this decision to be the advancement of her career (which is implied). Might there be someone who was sufficiently cold and calculating to do this? Yes. (Recent example of Emma Stone's character in The Favourite.) However, E would need to face the consequences of this somewhere along the line, one would think. I think what I will do is expand the backstory a bit to deal with the problem here where it first appears. Thank you for calling this out.

Hey Ace, thanks so much for reading. I'm pleased there are things working for you here even though we are away from our MCs. Hmm, this is interesting. So who are we talking about, if might ask just to be sure. T? G? Ah, okay, this helps a lot. I see what you mean. I'll take a note to look at character motivation for TT and GM when I run through the chapter against once the critiques are in. I like your suggestion about specificity; it's all the rage these days, for good reason!! Excellent question and, quite honestly, I did not have an answer until you asked it!! I was hoping that I had put in enough highly specific detail about the hybridisation that the reader would be willing to accept the overarching conceit of the T-F. You have called my bluff, gosh darn you to heck! I can come up with some pseudo-scientific or practical reasons why androids cannot be deployed, and perhaps I should, but I'm reluctant to weigh down the chapter with it. Let's see if anything else mentions it <cut> <paste> Actually, I might just have them find some amber... There's nothing to say that they don't do that as well, although GenX in one offshoot of a group of companies. Whereas GenX does hybridisation, no doubt some other company within the larger group will do crop/food tech stuff. I would think. Great comments, @Ace of Hearts, thank you. Love to be forced into thinking harder about what I've written <R>

Hey, SSmooth, thank you for reading. Fair comment, I'm hoping I've addressed the concerns and it's better again. I'm hoping now that he picks Berlin and R's job as filler, that the job review scene works better. Also, I've added compelling reasons for dismissing almost all the other cases. I've trimmed the recap down, so hopefully it's less intrusive, and disguised as something else. I'm glad you found the info useful. There's enough in other places. I've trimmed it in this chapter, but there's still some there. Yeah, it's both sequel to the last chapter, and also scene setting, so it's a double whammy of water treading. All the comments have helped me make cuts, refinements and distilling into what I think is more effective. Tension though, is an uphill struggle in this chapter. Hopefully better in the next, and the next after that Thanks again!

I've tried to tackle these things. I think it's better again. The big thing, I think, is that Q takes the Berlin job, and the R job to will in the time. I've edited the call, and given Q much more initiative, which I think improves that too. I still want to convey the creepiness of T.O.M. knowing too well what Q's doing. Good! They are still there, but I've hacked into them again to prune them down, but retain the essence and almost all of the character notes (I trust) Not at all. You've given me reassurance that the town stuff has merit while also confirming the bits that are still 'festering'. Very helpful

NO problem, AT ALL! (Ahem, just need to look at my record most weeks and you'll see you are not the worst offender nay a long chalk!) Yeah, I've been battling this issue for three or four edits now. I'm still reluctant to rip the chapter in half (metaphorically), but I've wielded the knife again and cuts the offending stuff back harder. Hey nothing to apologise for!! Hoist by my own petard, etc. No, this is good, thanks. I think 'must now be covered' is more certain, but allows for the fact that he does not actually know. I feel there is some worthwhile stuff in there but I have cut down fairly hard, looking to try and ensure it's saying something about this story, and basically is no longer a recap. Agree. I'm obliged to you for this from last time. I can see it now. I've just done a search a replace for relevant instances. Typo. I've adjusted this. I thought so too when I was going through Mandamon's comments. It's already gone Rephrased. Is being shot of someone or something just a UK expression? If so, I can go to 'rid'. In fact, I think I like 'rid' better anyway: I think it's actually harsher. Ah, this in unclear. It's actually the phone-call that is tracking the person down. It's mean to be spooky AI sort of 'feature'. I'll add 'the call'. Yeah, total typo, thanks This line got cut in the purge of local colour. Agree! Unfortunately I cut that line in trying to streamline the chapter. It's gone. It's reassuring to see that quite a few of the troublesome lines are being culled in the tightening up of the chapter. Cool beans I've clarified that it M's reaction was ironic, and also used the 'mockery' instead of cruelty. Much obliged for this and all the other mechanical stuff. Thanks JW--excellent comments. Definitely have helped to tighten things up

Hey, really glad to have your eyes on this. I've missed your comments Yeah, problem this. I've ramped up the BR job a bit by making it more mysterious (I think), and introduced problems with taking most of the other jobs. I'm glad them taking the Berlin job works for you. It's even more positive still after some further edits. I've leaned into this a bit more. Yeah, I know what you mean. I've tweaked the end scene a bit, putting the motivation and initiative much more into Q's hands, and with a new joke embedded the end. Great comments. Thank you!

Project 75192: Update 13 - Bags No.8, Part 2 - "The Upside-down" I promise you we're getting there. Sorry about all the pics for those not digging it So, now we're working on these cut-outs which were featured in previous updates, building the internal gubbins (2) that shows through to the outside (3,4). Each square panel is form of lots of wee random bits of mechanical looking stuff which is mounted on both sides (5), because there are cut-outs on both the top and bottom of the fuselage (4). (7) shows all four units in place, and (8) shows the final effect from underneath. Nice contrast between the light and dark grey. Another nerd-out to follow soon!

Not really. One or two offered suggestions, no more so than we would get on there, I think. There was one though... There's always one! I'll admit I kind of brought it on myself choosing this to submit as my first thing to the group, but hey-ho. There were lots of good comments about style and voice, which I'm happy with. I assured them that I was not a serial killer I'm really keen to submit them some Q&M now, after a decent passage of time.

You may be interested to know that I had my Glasgow SF Writers Circle baptism (of fire) last night with this story. Eleven people in the room and, let's say that I was fairly consistently eviscerated! People fairly consistently liked/loved the strong voice and bold style, but had various issues. It was really interesting how lines didn't work for some, but did work for others, so that didn't bother me. Definitely some issues with lack of clarity in places, and uneven tone and voice (what age is C? Eh... undetermined). Halfway through I was ready to burn my laptop, but by the end I was on an even keel and ready to forge ahead with this (once edited). One of two people tried to re-write the story for me. One guy said make the mother the main character Another person said the M/C could/should be male, because of some of C's voice - I mean how in the name of the wee man could that character ever by male with some of the things she does? Unless it was two blokes, of course... Anyway, I held onto (clung? clung's a strong word, but yes) the fact that you guys liked the story. I will let it sit till post WorldCon and pick it up again for edit and then scout for a market. Thank yous all again for your super helpful comments on the story

Hi folks, Chapter 3. Usual routine, if you're willing. Any and all comments gratefully accepted. There is 'only' one 'F' word, but I've tagged it anyway. Chapter Recap: - is this helpful? I'll keep doing it anyway 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; Cheers, Robinski

Yeah, my first too - and definitely looking forward to it

Excellent!! Are you participating in any panels? We have a draft RE participant schedule but we're not supposed to share details of panel participation yet, as the WC schedule is not published. We've shared it off-line though just with the handful on RE who are participating. Oops, that might be a (slight) plot spoiler too!

Project 75192: Update 12 - Bags No.8 - "The Upside-down" Another couple of mirrored sections. First, a hinged cover (1,2) that encloses part of the underbuilding around the legs (3). Then a couple of panels at the sides (4), covering internal structure to finish off the sides (8). There are four of the altogether. You can't see from the photos, but these panels fit on a rake, they are not flat. Two Technic struts (5), which are hinged, fit through two cross-holes (6) and are retained by two 4x1's with appropriate holes (7). There are angles on the main frame (6, top ~middle, dark grey) that adjust the other edge of the panel at a different 'height', thereby creating a pleasing slope in towards the centre.

I would like to submit on Monday, please.

Hey, thanks so much for reading Yeah, I'm going try having M naysay each case as it comes up, for some reason or other. Yup. I've had another go at this portion, with a mind for cutting down, but also turning the banter up a bit. Fixed. Flagged for my next full read through. I'll wield the scalpel. Yeah. I imagine this will be roundly hated by everyone. I rotated it back. Sometimes I go off on a wee Word excursion, just 'cause I like tinkering with how things function. I've included more active discussion of the options (basically through editing, not word count), having them argue (hence upping the banter quotient). I think it words better. Thanks! Heh, yes, quite... If I'm going down the road of M nixing the other cases (because Q would have too much fun on those) then I will change this line. No clue. Thanks for the spot. Yeah, argh. I've marked this section forward to chapter end for heavy pruning, but will retain some of it, I think. No really good reason. As noted above, I'll try a heavy edit of this 5+ pages and see how it goes. Great comments, thank you so much, Man.

Mission accomplished! Yes, I can see how this would be very preachy if you had a very black-and-white reveal of the message. Not an easy path to tread. You've definitely done something interesting and challenging. It's important to try these things, even what they don't work, and the more challenging the mote likely they are to divide people, of course.

Excellent! There's so much good stuff to soak up. That's good work. It's taken me 4 or 5 years to get caught up with WE from the start.

Sure, I'll track that in detail: so first time he shoots at her is at the foot of Page 9 when he takes her bows away and she rolls away. Something in his manner made me think he might be toying with her there. Then, on Page 10, she thinks "praying that T didn’t decide to just go and shoot her right there and then", which says that he could shoot her is he wanted to, which leads to me believe he's toying with her. Then, there's the conversation. He has a lot of things to say to her, and if he shoots and kills her, her doesn't get a chance to say all those things that sound like they need to be said. I guess the reveal of the meeting comes up after he's put her down, so that's not giving anything away about whether or not he's trying to shoot her. At the top of Page 12, she does all the sword twirling stuff. That distracted me from what he was doing, I think, because I guess he hit her when he hip fired, but you will recall I expressed concern about all the stuff she was doing making her a sitting duck. I guess it did. Bit if her unit is dead at this point, surely she would feel the strike? It seems odd that a skilled fighter would not be aware of being hit. I mean once, maybe, but three times? She logs where most of his shots go, missing her ear and rattling off rocks, but she's unaware of the ones that hit her? It just felt unreal to me. I know the term, but adding the 'er' softens it, for me. Makes it sound like 'chipper', which means happy / upbeat, of course. The way that 'city cl' aliterates (okay, not phonetically, but visually) also makes it sound kind of jolly and light-hearted, I think. True: I read right past that!