Robinski

Hey, many thanks for reading, SSmooth. Q's marriage is on the rocks. But of course the reader doesn't get to read the synopsis, so presumably wouldn't encounter that issue, still, good point! I also take your point about the arc thing. It's always been an issue with this first bit. I think I need to extent it and have him consider what new case to take, or something like that. Thanks again

Me too. Very innovative, and being about transport, it was very much in my professional wheelhouse.

Hey, delighted to be reading something new from you (page 1) - Ah, jeez. My internal bias is showing, assumed M was a male. Bad bias, go sit in the corner and think about what you've done. - "metal feet" - Huh? So, DC is a robot, but acts like a child? Hmm. Not entirely clear, but I'll read on for the explanation. - "little pad" - Wait, so DC is the more senior / 'aged' of the two? I'm a bit disoriented, trying to figure out the relationship between these two. - The wall of black nothing is a great image, but it could have been worked a bit harder, I think. That sense of not knowing if there is 100 metres of nothing in front of you, or if there is a wall two feet away. I've been in such a situation (not in a cave though) and there's a lovely hesitancy about it, literally the unknown. I feel that could work for sense of wonder here. - So, it was hard to breathe in the narrow section, now it's hard to breathe because of the humidity. So, it's a different kind of hard to breathe? Which one was harder? Seemed a little odd to go from hard to breathe, to another hard to breathe. (page 2) - "mommy" - Yeah, I don't get this relationship, it's confusing me. - "reaching out for her" - Bit confused. Stalactites will 'reach' towards the floor, straight down. If she's at one end, they can't all be reaching towards her, or she would be at some weird centre of gravity. - I'm finding DC's voice annoying. A sense of wonder is created, but then it's broken by DC's childlike ramblings. The tone is quite odd. (page 3) - Why is there a path? It sounds like some sort of formal path, the way it's presented, but I'm not sure if that is the intent. - "Her surroundings felt profoundly alien" - typo, should be plural. - 'Mrs. Cor...' - Huh? Whose voice is this? - Wait, she giggles and the robot accuses her of being serious? The tone again is confusing. I'm having a hard time picking a consistent emotional path through the story. - She's reached the pillar. I didn't see that happening, thought they were still climbing. (page 4) - “What?” M looked at him confused. “Ah, no. Never mind.” - This is two words. Also, it doesn't help my sense of confusion for the character also to be confused. What purpose is this line serving? - "she was hearing voices again" - Yeah this is an issue for me. I'm having trouble figuring who's 'speaking' at certain points. - "turned back to face the path" - But she's at the pillar now, so at the end of the path, presumably. - So DC, the childlike robot, it in charge of medicating the adult woman?! I'm so confused. - And there's a room... - I can't tell the different between the robot speaking and her internal recollections. It's disorienting. - "Look, I don’t want to do this" - See, this recollection is not in quotes, whereas the earlier one was. Inconsistent formatting isn't helping me follow what's happnening. (page 5) - "There would be repercussions for everyone" - typo, should be plural. - she’d predicted would exist" - How in the name of h**y heck did she do that? I don't know what kind of world this is, so I automatically assume it's a standard word of 2019. - "knife through butter" - cliché (page 6) - "in the dripstone" - What is this? Surely these things are made of calcite / calcium carbonate. - "She carried a bit of C-4" - Really? This seemed to come out of nowhere Also, it's so casual, like she always carries it! I don't know how anyone would do that, or be allowed to do that. Surely C$ is a heavily controlled substance, is it not? - She was loath to set it off, but then she's not, because the concept is abstract, and doesn't actually worry her. I don't understand what she's thinking. There are contradictory emotions in this same sentence. (page 7) - So, she dies? The thing is, I don't really care that much. I've never felt an emotional connection with the character, and basically I've been confused by her emotions for most of the story. It leaves me really not invested in the ending. - So, I see how putting this ending together with the title, this is how the magic is released, but she does not get to 'profit' from it, although she does in the sense that she is reunited with her child. I just never felt her pain. That's why I don't really feel the ending. Overall One of my biggest problems was that the neither of the two characters had a consistent emotional tone, and their relationship was confusing too, which added to the overall confusion that I felt reading the story. I think there needs to be at least one consistent emotional 'voice' through the story, something for the reader to hold onto, to anchor the story. One of the short stories in the Hugo voting pack for Worldcon is a slightly similar story of a mother dealing with grief. I've think it's a really good indiction of where the bar is for stories like this (STET - @Mandamon, @kais - have you read it yet? Wow.). I think your story needs a good go-over for consistent of character voice and for emotional buy-in. These are so many threads, and I'm really not sure they come together well enough to form a consistent narrative which is so important for s tory this short. I would be happy to read another version of this, and I'm really glad you submitted it! Thanks for sharing

OMG, I've gone down the rabbit hole. Thanks, Molah, I think Some great ideas here, and many, many, many other amazing Lego displays on Pantrest. Helm's Deep, dear G*d Those guys are seriously hard core, touring conventions, etc. Project 75192: Update 3 - frame (and Bags No.1) complete There are numerous really strong bracing features in the frame (1>2). Four quadrants of the frame join (3) to an internal cross-shape (essentially). Illustrating the Technic pegs being engaged from the 'ready' position (4), to the 'engaged' position (5) once the assembly is in place, making a really solid connection. The density of connectors near the core of the frame is quite something (6)... and the frame is complete (7). That's the bags numbered '1' finished, only Nos. '2' to '17' to go!

Thanks again for those inline comments, Mr. Fox. Very helpful stuff. I'm glad that you challenged me on a lot of things, and I have tidied up various details. Foreshadowing, probably, is the most substantive thing, I think. I'm going to think carefully about that. I think I will put some hints in, but nothing overly overt, I'm thinking. Many thanks again.

Ooh

Project 75192: Update 2 - early stages (internal frame) The frame is a really key part of the structure, due to the overall weight. There's an interesting doubling of thin pieces in the middle of the frame structure. I love the forward planning, seeing where Technic pegs are not in final position, but will slide into place when married with another construction to secure modular sections together.

Thank you, Mr. Fox, that's great. Sorry to only be replying now. As you can tell, I don't really check that account as much as I should!! Just had eyes on other things. I'm intrigued to discover the issue that you encountered, and may well post them up here just for my ease of reference, if nothing else. (p.s. Hope you had a great trip to the even more 'frozen' North. Sorry the timing didn't work out.)

Really appreciate you reading it again, SSmooth. No 'criticism' is fine by me. I'm on the case.

Thank you so much for reading again, ID, and in your weakened state and all. Top effort in catching up like that. Not sure I could manage it in full fitness. I'll try a version with this modified. As I think on it now, this version is more like 'I own you' sort of thing. That might be right for the actual situation in that company, but 'Who's the daddy?' is probably more logical for the context. I don't think that works quite as well for C's response, but I can tweak the response. Yes, but the stairs go down to the basement. C is down in the basement when she bumps into M, so, they go upstairs back to the ground floor, which is where the disabled toilets are. I'm going to put this one down to your present decaffeinated state Thanks again

Hey, ID, thanks for much for reading this, much appreciated. True. I like your suggestion here. Thanks All good stuff. Nothing here is sacred. I will tackle all of this the next time I edit the story, which will be a wee while away, I think. Unless Irate Android take the story of course !!!! Many thanks for the comments.

Okay. That's fine. I wanted to be sure I wasn't missing something other than the cliché angle. Thanks @Alderant.

Huh, interesting. I thought we might have seen a bigger conflict by now. I'm not sure I'm feeling the threat of the LC on the scale that I was expecting at the climax of the book. We shall see. (page 1) - "And our help be toward inviting..." - I tripped over this several times. not even sure I've got the full meaning yet. (page 2) - "possibly just one" - this goes back to my first comment above. Whilst I know that Dis is a threat, I don't feel that--this late in the book--it's looming large enough. I just wonder, if it's only a 10D away (as I think M is implying) if we wouldn't be seeing holes in the ground open up, and bits falling off the wall of the N, etc. I know the tone has been sounding, but that is a warning. I just wonder if the stakes my not be ramped up more by this point? On the other hand, maybe I'm wrong. I'll reserve judgement: but I would just like to have a stronger feeling of impending doom at this point. - "What exactly would this thing do" - using 'will' would give a much stronger sense of immediacy, I think. (page 3) - "He was getting too old for this" - LOL. Presumably Bruce Willis will play him in the movie, or Mel Gibson (joking, waaaaay joking). - "None are over fifty thousand" - Oooooh. That is very interesting. (page 4) - "G's furry muzzle opened, his lips making an “O” shape" - Too cute, the teddy bear's making a confused face - "his middle fingers meeting more often than they should" - this is a great idea, nice touch, but I don't know what to take from it, I'm not sure what it means. Are they swearing? - "all professionals near the top of their fields" - I think this should be singular. - "device will siphon off their energy to protect us against the coming D" - I don't buy this. How can now person's energy deflect the 'end of the world'? Even a 3HM. (page 5) - "Come on, come on" - comma between repetitions, as with repetition of a single word. - Back in E's POV, it took me most of the page to remember what she did last time (and that I enjoyed it). I wonder if it needs a call out early in this section, or if it's just my WRS. - "the others moved past her" - I felt she was behind them. (page 6) - "She lifted a gloved finger from where it pressed against a device on her wrist and E felt something loosen" - I don't follow. I'm not able to picture this gesture, or the mechanics of it loosening something. (page 7) - "long and bounding in the light pull" - this phrasing confused me. I thought it was about illumination levels at first. - "it was the better part of a lightening" - I can't remember how long this is. About an hour? Forty minutes? That's a long walk. - "Many had been killed... it had not reduced their numbers" - This is not possible, it must have, but those numbers have been built up again. Even one death reduces the numbers. (page 8) - "She was the only one to wear them" - I don't understand why this is. Ah, okay. (page 9) - "When, and if, the time becomes right" - Excellent!! I love that, at best the Ar seem to be chaotic neutral, and yet their goals appear to align with E's. This is great conflict/challenge to reader perceptions. Love it. It's almost a kind of Dirty Dozen vide, suddenly - "They fell silent for the rest of the way, as they walked through populated areas of the caverns" - suggested for flow. - "to keep away dispel the sense of vastness" - suggest for flow/elegance. - "larger-than-average cave, with a false ceiling, four times her height" - no comma required, imo. - "Aris' prison" - it's the collective possessive, so apostrophe at the end. - "Dark cloaked figures were spread scattered around the room" - This sounds to me like the individual were all squished and dismembered. (page 11) - "Should we wish, the Imp" - need a comma hear, imo. I read straight through the pause. - "Then everything changed" - This word is weak in this context, I think. I tells me the very least possible, I think. - The voice in E's head is convincing to me, because it has an airtight rationale earned in E's previous section where she 'subsumed' the other Ari. (Forgive me for pointing out the comparison, @hawkedup, but there is such a big difference between the voice earning it's presence and the reader not being given the basis for a voice appaearing in a character's head.) (page 15) - "pitiful excuses of their species" - I'd say 'excuses for their species'. (page 17) - "unraveling like the song" - I don't follow: what song? - Two instances of 'even as' in the same paragraph is awkward. - I don't really understand what happened at the end here. How did the Ari end up fighting Na? Did Zh release En in order that she could attack Na, because the other LCs were against him? Are the Ari trying to escape? I didn't see the translation points, and I don't really understand the motivations at the end here. Overall Most of this chapter worked fine for me. I enjoyed M's section, with certain reservations. En's section was slow in places, and I had some confusion in places. I like the overall course of it though. I just wonder if maybe it could be streamline in places. <R>

I did not get that. I got the impression she was calling it to her from some distance, and that it arrived at the shed and landed on the window ledge. Maybe I was projecting my assumption on to the situation.

Glad I wasn't the only one who saw this Really? Someone will need to explain why that's an unfavourable parallel.

Very excited to read a new on the RE forum (page 1) - I like the title. I'd be surprised if there were not other SFF stories with this title, but what the heck. I like the first line. Cool name, not difficult to pronounce as long as I take care to get it right first time. (For about 15 years, I though Aragorn was called Aragon... ). (page 2) - About a page in and I'm definitely enjoying it. Space exploration, varied crew, the unknown ahead: what's not to like?! I thought you conveyed the background of how humans came to be in space well. Not heavy expo, enough headlines to involve me, but back to the action before it becomes a drag. - "with this level of technology" - What level of technology? - "waited for an answer" - to which question? (Bit unclear). (page 3) - The repetition of the word 'signal' is a bit awkward. - It's just more professional: don't need the '-sounding' bit. - "Barnard’s Star"- <sigh> Puts me nicely in mind of earlier Larry Niven. - "flushed a deeper green" - hmm, green skin: interesting. Hard not to picture the credits of the original Star Trek. - "without ever taking his eyes off the tablet" - What tablet? J's tablet? I need more clarity here. - "signal has obviously changed, which means it isn’t just a pre-recorded message" - I don't see how this follows. Surely the spacefaring nations must have tech that could make a signal change automatically. Might not the planet-dwellers have the same tech? They might all be dead, but the equipment is still functioning. I think this conclusion is a bit lazy. - "quantum leap" - Lol, great show. - "Inter - solar" - Excellent. I like this. Very subtle, and clever, I think. This is a great example of avoiding low-hanging fruit, I think. It's easy enough to call the thing 'Interstellar', but why accept the most obvious nomenclature? Well done (page 4) - "If they were unfriendly, they could have obliterated us the moment we entered the system." - Not necessarily. They might be unfriendly cavemen, for example. They might be unfriendly superhuman without a system-spanning weapon. Just because they can't strike across interplanetary distances, doesn't automatically make them friendly. - When did A take the time to sit down? - What's T-a-l-a-r? (page 5) - I am really enjoying the classical style of this story. Don't take that the wrong way. It's intended as a complement. It really puts me in mind of many of the earlier SF stories of the 60's and 70's. The prose is very clean; the characters maybe fit into classic moulds of crew members but, to be honest, after the all the gritty realism of grim-dark and steampunk, Dark Fantasy, etc. this is refreshing. - "that stimulated some brain regions and depressed while depressing others" - Not keen on the word 'depressed'. I suggest this as being more immediate, flowing more smoothly, imo. - Also, if he's supposed to be sleeping, why is he wearing equipment that is intended to keep him awake? I would have thought he would be wearing a sleep aid. That's certainly the way I was reading it, until I got to that part of the sentence. It seems counterintuitive. - "but it could still only go on for so long" - This bothers me too. The technology, presumably, can go on for as long as it's got power. Surely, it's his ability to tolerate its effects that can only go on for so long. - This explanation of the Tal comes too late for me. I needed it the first time they were mentioned. - "their five limbs" - Just excellent. Puts me in mind of Mote in God's Eye, which is one of the formative works in my SFF upbringing. Symmetry, schmymmetry, I say. - "Mac was an engineer..." - and therefore instantly becomes my favourite character. I think we can all agree that it's no accident that your engineer character has a Scottish surname. <a proud Glaswegian engineer, @Robinski polishes his fingernails> (Dear G-x-d, I just tagged myself, sorry about that. It was funny at the time... Yes, I've had a glass... Oh, no: the Scottish stereotype subverts itself and the world explodes). <meanwhile, back with the matter in hand...> - "but he had spent a fair amount of time on ships" - Why is this statement contrary to the fact that he's an engineer? Surely all ships must have an engineer on board, and therefore the 'but' here is superfluous. - Ah, I see he's a scruffy individual (stubble). Normal service has been resumed. - "so the ships that first took people to those settlements" - awkward phrasing, even for character dialogue. (page 6) - "I am from here." - That's just perfect. I love that. A statement of individuality. - "a silly grin" - lovely character note; simple, uncomplicated, joyful. - "six known sapients" - I struggled with this a bit. A we saying then that there is only one sapients pieces on Earth? Okay, there is only one with the 'sap' but in the title, but... (page 7) - "please forgive any offence" - I know it's dialogue, and he can say what the heck he likes, I just thought he might say something about any offence being unintended. - "word for star." - Boom!! That's a fantastic line for a break. That's how you do breaks. Excellent I did get just a tad turned around here. So, Y is Tal; fine, but it left me trying to remember what J is, and I couldn't. - "the past week" - Ooh, big jump. I feel like I must have missed out a bunch of really interesting stuff. (page 8) - Oh, yes. J's a Barn; I remember now. - "FTL ships" - Are these different from the light sail ship they are on? I'm just not clear on the message here. So, the FtL ships have just been repaired, now the light sail ships are disabled. So, an FTL ship could be sent to rescue them? (page 9) - "one of the most brilliant medical minds" - Hmm. Is he not far too valuable to send on a mission like this, then? (page 11) - Ooh. Good conflict. Enemy within is a trope I enjoy. I find myself asking if A is the only female character that we've seen so far. Some of the characters are not especially memorable. - "greatly willing" - This is not a pretty phrase, from the grammatical viewpoint. - "If it is decided to be impossible" - nor this. I'm thinking 'that it is impossible'. (page 12) - "watch those people die" - I don't buy this at all. This is the first emotional note that has thrown me off completely. A is feeling sorry for the planet because it might have to watch his crew die?!?! There is no way anyone is that selfless or sensitive. - A's thoughts about sims and sabotage threw me. The s's thing: I was confused. - And again I'm confused by A's reaction. Why is he more concerned about Mac? As the captain, he should be more concerned about Al, and the incident that Mac is reporting. Clearly, he's well enough to make a report. I think A's focus here is not the right one in this situation. (page 13) - "E had glared" - This phrasing takes all the immediacy out of the situation, compared to if she was actively glaring at him now, instead of the in the past. It's very passive. (page 14) - Again "suspicions were justified" - surely would be better as 'suspicions are justified'. The situation has not yet been established. Active, positive phrasing is much more engaging than passive (obvs). - "what this was about" - The situation is still ongoing: suggest 'what this is about' (page 15) - "dismissed" - Booyah. I really enjoyed A's hard stance with them; very commanding. - Ooh, big jump. I'm trying to decide if I feel I've missed out on anything. Not sure I was expecting the marines to take their censure that easily. And I'm disappointed that we don't get to see Al's reaction to being accused. She was the centre of that whole conflict just now, and we don't even get to see her on screen? (page 16) - "each time E itself up" - missing word, I think. - "inched closed to their target" - So, are they moving towards Earth/Alpha Cent, are the en route? I don't think it's not clear that they've begun their journey. - "manipulations of his own substance" - The planet was neutral before, was it not? Why now is it male? I feel like there are no prominent female characters in the story, and the one that is, Alice, seems to get no dialogue. I think the gender balance of screen time could be much fairer. (page 17) - "genderless voice" - I'm thinking that the slip to refer to the planet as male was just that, a slip? - So wait, Al is communicating with the planet, but we don't get to see Al on screen in her moment of triumph? Boo; that's poor show. (page 18) "This is having become friends?" - this is awkward phrasing again. I think the payoff line of the whole story deserves better, punchier, phrasing. And then of course it's repeated. But is this grammar, the planet's mode of speech, actually supposed to sound awkward and affected? If so, I don't think that comes through strongly or clearly enough for that to land, it just feels to me that the grammar is off. Overall I really enjoyed the story. The prose is excellent, and the dialogue is very readable: it's slightly dated, but I thought that was your intention, to place this story in the style of this classic SF exploration stories of yesteryear, and I thought you did that very ably. I raised some issue as I went, of course, as noted above. By far the most troubling element for me was the way that Al, who--in conjunction (see what I did there ) with the planet--saved the day, was given no voice and no active presence in the story. That feels wrong for me, it feels like men getting all the screen time but not doing the work. It makes me ask if Ab actually deserves to be the main character. How much did he actually do in that situation? He suspended two soldiers for attacking the most important character to the crew's survival, an attack we do not get to see, for the same reason. I just wonder if Al is not in fact a better main character for this story. I very much enjoyed reading this though. You've got a strong ability with the mechanics of the story, I'm just not sure that the message of friendship is no overshadowed by the way the story treats Al. Thanks for submitting! <R>

That's 100% Robinski! Process; process; process Because what would happen is that I would stand on something: guaranteed

Yes, me too. Like it said, I think the good, gritty tone is gone now. Yeah, HUGE problem. If that's the case, you HAVE to get an explanation of that on the first page, and make sure everyone has a clearly Hispanic name, so that the reader never questions it. Especially the m/c. For example, why isn't Isa, called Isabella? I would assume she was Hispanic. And if you described a little of the furniture / decor that would be another way to make it clear we were in a Hispanic setting. Also, is it an alternative Earth? Why not just tell us we're Cadiz, or Cordoba? Or, make up a name for the city that sounds Hispanic. Lot's of ways to fly the flag very early in the story.

So, first of all @hawkedup, kudos for rolling up your sleeves and diving straight in. I'm interested to see how that has gone. (page 1) - I still like the title of the book. The chapter title causes me to ask questions: good! BUT IT'S STRAIGHT OUT OF GAME OF THRONES, are you aware of that? The epigraph, I like. If there were a single thing about it that still holds that niggling suspicion of emotionally blackmailing the reader it's the line "I can't go on." For one thing, it's very clichéd, very melodramatic. I think the epigraph would be much stronger without that one sentence. - I don't know what "the turn of age" is in this context. What would a woman's age turn past? I don't get it. - Right, the alarm clock and the modern time format 0600 gives me a clear guide to the type of setting I'm in, that's good. (page 2) - The writing flows well. I'm in the setting, although it's a bit generic castle, since there isn't much sensory input or description, but maybe that's okay, put get me engaged with the character in the first instance. - Characters hearing voices? I'll reserve judgement. It's a trope I'm not Kean on personally, because my fear is always that either (a) the character is not sufficiently resourceful, smart or capable to deal with the situation on their own, so they need help; or (b) the writer is not resourceful, smart or capable to write a compelling main character using only internal monologue and NPC interaction. - "Great, the Voice said. Perfect way to start the day." - Yeah, see this bugs me. Why can't L have this thought? If the voice isn't going to offer some kind of arcane insight, specialist knowledge or great wit (this really isn't great wit, it's a kind of nothing line, imo) then I don't know why it's there. Also, because the Voice gets this line, I don't know what L is thinking, so the Voice distances me from the main character. (page 3) - "futbol" - Whaaa? So, this is the Spanish word for 'football'. I can see why you might use this to distinguish from grid iron football, but it's still quite odd. Why is it italicised? I can't believe it has some significance for the story. Are we in a Spanish or Hispanic setting? Odd, but okay. - Again, the Voice's dialogue is like stating the bleeding obvious. Is L incapable of free thought, is that why it's there? - "whatever unoriginal quip" - Careful, nothing that the Voice has come up with has been original either. - "Good one...funnier every time." - Meh. (page 4) - "put down like animals" - This is the first line that has really punched me in the gut. It's a good powerful line. - "The disciples had a rolling membership" - Lol. That a good line. Made me chuckle. - "Your personality?" - LOL again. This is the snarkiest, most cutting line so far, imo. The fact that it comes from a speak-carrier is a bit disappointing. A cautionary note though. I don't think L has shown much personality so far; she had more in the last version, I think. I'd like to see more of her pain on the first page. This new version just tells us she's in pain. I think you had more showing before (from memory), which is more effective. Is's personality seems to be one note cruel, whereas this disciple has some smarts to come up with that line. - "This got a bigger laugh" - QED. The problem here is that you kind of invalidate Is as a character by making the nameless disciple cleverer than Is. I want to know more about the disciple now. - "She hated Is and the disciples" - this is rather pat, low-hanging fruit, BUT the paragraph ends up with the good line, the one about companionship. Writing Excuses talked about this ages back, about turning paragraphs around. Bring your good line to the front, reversing the order of the elements, and try it that way, I suggest. (page 6) - Starting this page, well into the story, I've got very little of L's internal monologue. There was some good stuff on how she felt about being alone, but that's it. Not much to build a personality on, or to engage a reader with. - "a hedge wall" - what's this, is it a hedge or a wall? If you don't call it one or the other, a lot of readers will be confused, I think. - Wait, what? Vines covered in roses? Confused. (page 7) - "how this excited her" - I think I have a notion why I'm not feeling L's personality. She doesn't really analyse or reveal how she feels about things. The bit about her being jealous of the other girls was good. Here, her emotions--to me--feel superficial. She is excited by J's attention; she then thinks about amorous attentions, so I presume that is why J's approach excites her. And yet, she knows that it's fake, because he is not seeing her as she really looks, and yet there's no acknowledgment of the dichotomy in her internal monologue. Also, the Voice, which was taking all her lines before, seem to be completely absent now. I'm confused about what it is, but more about when it deems it necessary to but in and when not. Without any explanation, it seems inconsistent. (page 8) - I presume from the fact that there is a lighthouse that they are right on the coast and this is an aid to shipping that might go around on rocks at the foot of the cliffs that the palace is built on. I'd really like to know about the setting, and there's an opportunity to slip in a little world-building here, just a few words would really cement the setting for the reader. Wider worlds are more interesting, imo. Sadly, there is no explanation though. It leads me to realise that very little is explained other than at a very general level. - Why is there a break? We continue straight on. I feel cheated, like it's a crude attempt to create tension. And then L is acting like a child. The hardened assassin is complete gone. It makes me feel that the tone is really uneven. "she suddenly realized how ridiculous she was acting" - I agree. This was an opportunity for her to show regret that she'd had to set aside childish things, be grow up before her time, or whatever. If this is an assassination story, I'm expecting it to be grim, gritty and violent. It doesn't feel like that sort to story to me. the first version had the gruesome rat-pack scene (Didn't it? Tell me I'm not confusing stories.) I feel like all the grittiness is gone. (page 9) - Now here is some good tension, sudden urgency conflict: that's good! But why doesn't J explain the danger to her? There's no reason for him not to say 'C-r-u-x!' That makes it feel like the author engineering a shock reveal. (page 10) - 'C-r-u-x', really? I laughed out loud, in a bad way. It makes me think this is a broad comedy. - Another break? Why? There's no break in the narrative flow. Doesn't make sense to me. Breaks are for scene changes, POV changes, etc. - I like the idea of her abilities, but I don't see anything of a cost for using them. She's maintain the mask permanently? That must be using a lot of energy, is it not? It does not seem to cost her anything. (page 11) - I don't know what the F-less is or are, so this means very little. Also, I would like the explanation of L's mission much earlier in the story, also her abilities. - Ah, this stuff about her not wanting to put a burden of trust on J is good. This is the kind of internal debate and conflict that we need more of in order to see L's personality. - Is F/f not with her? I assumed it was like a familiar and stayed with her. - "made her nauseous" - that's good: a cost to using magic. - "strangely sl-nted eyes" - Danger; danger. Pejorative POC reference. "a slinky black dress" - Whoa, and you're going to objectify her too? I'm concerned now that you're going for the full set. Sensitivity is watchword here. How do you think this description would make a real, live person feel? (page 12) - "stood over fifteen feet tall" - Nope, I'm not having that. Unless he commands an army of giants, which is what he is, commanding an army of normal humans could be completely impractical. He won't fit in any human buildings, or be able to use any human equipment, - "pretty flowers, want" - I'm this close to stopping reading. Why is Cr developmentally challenged? There is NO WAY that someone without communication skills can command and army. Just can't do it. - It's tone again, this throws me out of the story, but not before I've been smacked around the head several times. Why? Why is he 15' tall, and developmentally challenged? If he speaks another language and commands an army of his own kind, that's fine, but there's just no clue of that. (page 14) - "So much for luck" - Why? Why the voice? It does nothing, adds nothing to the story and again it takes lines that should come from L, and when it 'speaks' she never replies to it (in thought), never responds or reacts. - How can L see J? He's hidden. - Good tension and excitement here. It's just a pity that it's predicated on the inexplicable character of Cr. (page 15) - Voice again, annoying; stating the obvious, lacking any insight, not contributing anything useful. Overall The narrative is very clear (for the most part), the style very clean and easy to read. The pacing was okay, although the breaks were completely unnecessary, in my opinion. There was no changes of location or character POV or time line, so they don't need to be there. The characters are rather one dimensional, not particularly interesting. There is great scope for internal conflict in L, but it's not realised, I fear. It's touched on when she shows jealousy of the other girls, and there is an AWESOME opportunity for internal conflict when she experiences affection (or whatever) from J, but we know he's directing it at someone who doesn't look like the real L. These's huge potential for pathos and emotional weight there, but it's not taken. A lot of things are dealt with at a quite superficial level, but not deeply enough to be engaging, I thought. I missed the early part where you showed us L's pain. Cutting that out has changed the tone of the story, I don't think for the better, personally. The V is very frustrating. It appears at the start, takes all the lines that should be L's then disappears. I need to have a clear explanation of why she hears the voice, whose it is, and why it is there. I would stop reading after the first chapter solely because of the voice. Not only does it not contribute anything, but I think it detracts heavily from L's character. POSITIVE ENDING!!: I think there is a good story in here, I think there is an interesting character, although the Game of Thrones issue is a massive one. I still think you can distance your character from that if you make the effort, and change think to me it different, especially the name. The prose flows excellently; that's a really strength. There are good ideas in there. I just think there is work to be done on the Tone, which is a problem for me, and bringing out L's personality, which is lacking. <R>

Project 75192: Update 1 - Inventory Step 1: I've opened the box... I can't actually see the instruction manual from where I'm standing There are 63 packets: six labelled '1'; five labelled '3'; four each labelled, '4', '5', '6', '12' and '16'. There are three bags not labelled at all. And so it goes, up to '17' (three bags). Non-Lego aficionados may think this is strange, but it makes perfect sense!! Honest! Step 2: Re-pack all the bags into the four sub-boxes in the right order for assembly, leaving out the bags for Stage 1, of course: Pages 20 to 76. Are we having fun yet? (Yes!!)

I will provide them Today, I mostly just read the 10 pages of Falcon history and designs' notes.

So, I've got 80% of my Hugo reading still to do; my RE critiquing from this week still pending; I'm working on N-E-U for a hard June, 28th submission date; I want another edit of Rosso before submitting to GSFWC by June, 14th--clearly, the last thing I need is another project, but... I think maybe I'm going to start this: just for a couple of minutes before I get down to work

Pah, trust @Silk to take the week off and everything to go batsh1t crazy!!!!!!! (jokes!) I think it's worth recapping after that flurry of activity. Present status then: for Monday, 10th - @JWerner; @hawkedup; @Mandamon; @kais and @molah (yay!). Full house I'm looking forward to reading yours when it's ready, @Alderant

And there you have it I like that you're thinking outside the box about pushing the envelope though, @hawkedup. @Mandamon and I were in a smaller group online which used G-Docs and it was very effective, but in a slightly different way, for the reasons noted.