Robinski

I am fifty-two years old (so, I've got a lot of life experience); a chartered civil engineer specialising in transportation for over 30 years (so I have a lot of technical and professional experience in construction, transport planning, development, etc.) and was director and owner (for 10 years, until Christmas!) of an engineering consultancy employing forty-four people (so, I have a lot of experience working with, managing and directing people). I worked for (and continue to consult for) the same company for 32 years (so you may also talk to me about loyalty, commitment and bloodyminded determination - the costs and the benefits ). I have been writing on and off for over thirty-five years, but seriously and consistently for the last ten. I have completed six novels and a number of short stories, novellas and novelettes; well over a million words written, critiqued, alpha read and edited multiple times. As a white, middle-aged male, the greatest and humblest pleasures in my membership of the Reading Excuses group has been the broadening of my world view thanks to the patience of a particular few of my fellow members. I think I was openminded when I joined, but I cannot calculate the immense value of what I have learned on this forum about diversity, gender and sexuality. It has improved my writing tremendously, and broadened my perspective as a person, I think. To summarise, I think where I can offer a (hopefully) valuable perspective on the following: - technical elements, particularly relating to construction and engineering; - distinctive and interesting character development; - grammar (because I love grammar and language, and I love that there are rules, and that they make sense and that, if you follow them, your work will just be easier to read, honestly, it will!)

I agree with @Mandamon (Ho, hum... old chestnuts die hard) Yup. Yes, this for me too, imho. Yah, like Nyneve for me. Speak for yourself; I reckon I can get to seven or eight sucky drafts, no problem

Hello @Alderant, and welcome to RE. I too am always keen to read new writers, so this is where I'm starting after being 'away' for a couple of months. As I read... Some of the phrasing is a bit awkward, but I'm happy to put that down to 'early draft' and not bother with line-by-lines: I have a lot of catching up to do I get a clear and consistent feel from the first couple of pages, which I think clearly convey the character's situation and their attitude to it. The 'dream sequence' nicely encapsulated her ambivalent emotions towards her mother. I did wonder about the orientation of the character, because her negotiations have been with a lady, but is that the groom's mother? Also, it seems a little odd that the prospective bride would do her own negotiating instead of say the two mothers, or the two fathers, so I'm not yet 100% sure of how things work in this society. Okay, as usual I'm drawn into LBL-ing, because I can't help myself. Just this one example to illustrate what I mean about the phrasing. The line "and the ninth which I have actually had the marriage scheduled for!", for me, is cluttered, compared to something like "and my ninth scheduled marriage!" It's not that I'm horribly thrown out of the story, just slowed down a bit. I know this is very much the sort of thing likely to be ironed out in later drafts. "Groups of people move opposite us on the road, morosely traveling from whatever event drove them to squalor." - Unclear, for me. When you say opposite, you mean the other side of the road? And going the opposite direction (presumably)? The look of the people is not invoked at all, rather we are told they are in squalor, rather than shown it, with evocative description. The result is I don't really care about the people or their squalor. Also, I find it very hard to accept the notion that people turn to violence in order to slake a thirst for it, surely they are driven to it because they are desperate? If they had a thirst for violence, they wouldn't wait until they were in squalor; they would be violent regardless of their circumstances. Why must the daughter be forced to care for the ageing father? Is it not possible that she does it from love? This character's perspective is very bleak and pessimistic. I like her less because of it. Okay, I see from her reaction to the mother and children that her heart is in the right place. Still, her negative mindset is there in the thought that the women can't suckle the babe. There's a clear indication here of course that she is protesting too much about being a bad mother, since she displays all the correct motherly instincts in this situation. "but a woman with a heart to match" - Match what? I'm not sure the phrase "enters my backside" should appear in any material outside of the Deadpool Cinematic Universe (DCU!?!). Okay, just one more LBL, because not only am I a pedant ardent gramarian, I am also a transportation planning professional. "Traveling at a faster speed" - There's no such thing as a faster speed. 'Travelling faster' would be perfectly adequate, but 'greater speed' or 'higher speed' would also serve. (Sorry, super picky, but still... See my signature block; the warnings were there!! ) "churning through thoughts and sensory input" - I do this too, sometimes. I see you have a habit of using two words when one will do, possibly because of being un willing to decide between them? In this case, I finds the phrase 'sensory input' very modern, and out of place in this pseudo-historical setting. "the smells of horses hangs hang in the air" - this is about the third singular / plural disagreement I've spotted. "their words and meanings muffled" - see? Here's another one. I'm the pot in this scenario, but still, it reads so much smoother with the first (words) alone, and the second (meanings) doesn't really fit, for me. If you can hear the words, you would be able to deduce the meaning, surely. Anyway, sorry, I've already fallen back into my m/o of getting distracted from the overall piece by the grammar. So, I like the tension in this scene post waking from the second dream. that's conveyed well. The voice in her head was an eerie presence, and makes me wonder now if we are in a scenario where she has been possessed by some internal demon during her sleep, and has killed everyone on the carriage. Perhaps that's just my macabre imagination though "cut a favorable deal against my mother" - The deal would still be 'with' her mother though, surely. 'effrontery', rather than 'affrontation'. I like the use of her own assessment of the reflection as a way to describe the character. Well done, I thought. I also like the very immediate mystery air what is going outside while she is holed up in the carriage. Im keen to read on and see what is happening outside. The gear in the compartment is a nice (small-scale) mystery too. "drop onto the straw-covered floor of a stable" - I see a logistical issue here. Surely she would have known the carriage was inside now, since the light levels would have decreased significantly, for the purposes of her trying to see he reflection. Typically, stables have next to no windows, and so are dark and shadowy inside, I believe. "innmother" - Took me a couple of moments to figure out what she was. I think 'inn-mother' would be much clearer, and allow the reader to skim right past without conscious interpution. (Also avoids those nasty red Word squiggles!) It's a real (and unfortunate) trait of fantasy in particular to cast bad or morally dubious people as fat, and also fat people to be morally dubious, or just plain nasty. But, I think it goes beyond that. Thin, pointy-featured folks are also often cast in adversarial roles. Obviously there is a long tradition of using so-called undesirable physical traits as shorthand flags for ne'er-do-wells, but in this day of inclusivity, it seems increasingly inappropriate to me. "to my full standing height" - Goes without saying. Nobody talks about their sitting height, do they? "study on stoicism" - Study 'of', I think. Sorry, I'm lapsing into full on LBLs (slaps back of own hand). Really quite wordy occasionally, the sentence "The quick surge of wicked glee...", for example. "clamping her long braid" - I think this is the fourth story I've ready on RE over the years that has a female character tugging, clamping, gripping, wringing or otherwise abusing her braid. I think anyone who has read Wheel of Time (so, a pretty large proportion of a fantasy author's readership, I would think) will automatically associate this gesture with Nyneve Almera, like, at the drop of a hat, which drags my out of a story now whenever I see it. "pays in copper and gold" - Ah, so gold is worth less than silver? I commend you for trying something different in monetary terms, but it is a bit counter intuitive. My subconscious is rebelling against it. "A faint taste, like bile" - But not bile? If not bile, then what? "Say, to sixty percent" - Again, this sounds modern to me. I feel like it sound more 'in period' to say 'three-fifths' or 'two-thirds', for example. Something feels off about the d/h bargaining for the price of her own room-and-board. Also, I wonder at the fact she's not more outraged at the profiteering of this women when the refugees have no roof over their heads. "send a letter to the Lady E to inform her that we will be requesting the hospitality of her house this evening" - I mentioned wordiness before, but this comment is more about directness. I've suffered in the past, and probably still do (although I hope I'm getting better!!) with being insufficiently direct in phrasing, especially in dialogue, even with well-spoken characters. Here, I don't see the need for the intermediate step. What is an 'estate-lady'? Is it not her ladyship? Also, this whole discussion about charging feels very unseemly for the d/h, lowering herself to bargain with commoners. And, the innkeeper seems excessively brave to take this tone with royalty. I like the last line, that certainly would pull me on to read more. Intriguing. Overall The theme of the reluctant bride, it seems to me, is a very well trodden path, so, any story going down that path has to be very good, or very novel, or both. I enjoyed the flow of this chapter, but I did struggle with the argument between her maj. and the innkeeper: (1) because it seems so far beneath the heir to the throne as to be unlikely to happen at all; (2) because the d/h didn't feel guilty about squabbling over silver after the destitution she saw a short time before; and (3) I was almost on the point of disbelieving the gall of the innkeeper, until I realised that maybe she didn't know this was the d/h. Is that right? Anyway, I still enjoyed this chapter and, clearly, it would be even more enjoyable when it flows better after several rounds of edits. I wonder if the hints at the presence within her might be refined to make it feel more threatening. But maybe you're planning to ramp that up more slowly as we go. I think my issue was that I didn't feel the presence was as threatening as I wanted it to be. Like it was too cheeky and jokey; familiar rather than dark and threatening. I sort of glossed over the names and the geography, as it didn't seem all that important, hopefully it is sinking in somewhat on a subconscious level, as I imagine it will have a role to play later(?). Like I said though, overall I'm intrigued and interested to read more. Tagging I see what you were getting at the with the tagging but really, I would suggest that it will work against you to 'pre-tag' in that way, as some readers might avoid perfectly 'harmless' chapters like this one because of the 'S' tag, the 'G' tag, or whatever. Also, it's a bit misleading for the rest of us, expecting certain type of material, which tends to colour our expectation before reading. Convention on RE is to tag as appropriate to that submission. I'm not convinced it's a good idea to start tagging for overall content of the work itself. Great to have you onboard <R>

Welcome! Yeah, me neither, but I post all the time We'd to hear your thoughts and read your stuff sometime

Do, really, do. In my opinion he is, by a fistful of light years, the most underrated / overlooked writer in the SFF genre. I couldn't even begin to recommend something. Araminta Station maybe. I was always partial to Wyst: All-star 1716, although the first I read was was the Demon Princes series.

I just love that you used that word 'docket'; that's a great word right there

Ooh, sign me up for some of that, please I tend to struggle getting Magic into my stories. For me, characters bring the magic, if you want actual explosions, meh, the Michael Bay Annex is down the hall (through the fire escape, turn right at the trash compactor and keep going far beyond the point and which you should have stopped). Refer to my earlier answer: when can I read some of this, please? (I mean, when I see the words 'Dying Earth', I dare to hope that I might have stumbled across a fell Vancian...) Again... when?

Cool. I look forward to reading new stuff from you

Thanks! There will be submissions. Not in the neat future though, I think. I would be please to read LMM again if you put up the revised version

Ah-ha! I am a man of shadows. I am everything and I am nothing. I move in the dark spaces between worlds. I see, but am not seen. In other words... I'm a consultant.

Hey folks, hope everyone had a really great Christmas / [insert alternative festival of choice]! I must apologise for my absence of late. I've been selling my share in the business I've worked for since 1987 (and owned for the last 10 years), and it was been a mad crazy month, with no time for writing. Now, seeing as a I don't have a job anymore(!!), hopefully I'll have a bit more time to contribute, starting with my backlog

Yeah, I got mine. I'm slightly nervous now that there is some small chance that they might 'use' (some of) us on something completely different, and not what we wanted to do!

The piano

Ahem, 'youngins'? Hmm, now THIS is real music...

Amen. Nothing like it on the planet. There's a new album coming out soon, don't you know....

Lol, I'm skimming over your posts because I've only seen the first two eps, and I don't have any excuse, as I'm in the UK. I was as nervous as ever I am when a new Doctor comes along, not to mention a new show-runner. I thought the first episode was difficult, clunky and not as engaging as it could have been. It felt forced to me in places, but there are some good characters there, and I did very much like the way the new companions feel much more like back in the early days with a small group instead of one stand-out companion and heavy relationship overtones. Not that I didn't love what they did with Rose Tyler, Amy Pond, Clara Oswald and Bill Potts, but the dynamic was beginning to feel stuck. For me, the second episode was much better, more in the groove (all though a bit more mourning would have been appropriate, that lack felt odd to me). Glad to hear there is more good stuff to come.

Just finished 'Cold Days' (Dresden Files #14) by Jim Butcher. As a long-time writer of un-published SFF, the Dresden books are punishingly good and sickeningly readable. I am thoroughly looking forward to some more head slapping and shucks-ing when I delve into 'Shadowed Souls' (Dresden 14.5), although it is an anthology, so some variation there, I imagine. My real concern is I'm running out of Dresden books!! On the side, I'm reading 'The Name of the Wind' by Pat Rothfuss (finally!!). I've not doubt it's accomplished, but I must say I found it rather self-indulgent to begin with. I never don't finish reading a book, but I do sometimes put them aside for a period out of frustration. That happened with this particular tome. Things have picked up (~page 100), but I can't help noticing some moments that feel to me like 'auctor (author) ex machina'. Sorry, my pretentious way of saying I think the writing shows too much in places I'm enjoying it now though, although Kvothe's personality gets on my nerves from time to time. I mean good grief, his 'Woe is me' act can get pretty tiresome, like no-one else has ever suffered hardship, or had a great love, please.

This is all great advice, and important to follow, however the first and most important thing (to reinforce what @Ixthos said), is to write and write and write and write, then write some more; share it with people, get critiques then go back and re-write, edit, revise then move forward again. You're a writer right up until you stop writing.

Good grief!!! I haven't replied to your kind comments here. What the heck is going on?!?! That's a 6-month oversight! Wow, I'm really sorry about this, I have no excuse whatsoever. I have just reached this chapter in my edit, so I am all over these comments now and will post back replies shortly.

I agree. I agree. I dunno, I think that maybe would attract a lot of people; that chance to get publisher authors' eyes on work (without paying for the privilege in $£€). I agree.

There is a line earlier about storybook magic, where J uses the term making a reference to it not existing (i.e. fireballs and such). Wouldn't you blinking know it 'The Name of the Wind' page 96, third paragraph...bah!

Hi Aeromancer, great to have you around for the end of this and I think very useful to have a slightly disconnected critique of this last piece. I was looking for an overarching title to tie together several different stories and AK worked very nicely with a novel that I wrote in the same world. The geography and place names are based on a transposition of a real world location, hence the super title AK. BUT, some dastardly chap has used it already, so I'm in a bit of a quandary. I continue to use it as a working title, but I'm 99% sure I going to have to change it. P.S. would you mind replacing the full version of 'A------ K------' in your post with the abbreviation? I suppose it's not that common, but G**gle being what it is, these posts might pop up when people are searching for the other chap's work This is a fair point. I'm not sure about constantly, but certainly there is a bit of dog (not that much); the tiger (x2) and the horse. I haven't had a complete read through from anyone (including myself) yet, so I'll tag this for Edit #1. Interesting point. I think I'll need to mull on this one. Again, tagged for Edit #1. I'm glad this worked for you. That 'm' word is a really strong one, but I won't look the gift horse in the mouth (pun intended, of course!). Yes. Others have said as much. I'll call first draft on it, but it's good to have what is hopefully a sound base to develop. I'm looking forward to working in more of Ch's action into, although it will kill the word count. I already need to slash a fair bit to get to novella length. Not quite sure what to do about horse, but I'll think about it. I'm glad there are aspects working for you, and thanks for all your comments!

...fewer weird typos (Sorry, but if you're gong to set them up that well, I'm gonna take them )

LOL. Once an engineer, always an engineer.

This is what I wish I'd said.