Robinski

I thought it was excellent, but didn't have time yet to sit down and really cogitate upon it. I will try and do that in the next couple of days, but tend to doubt I'll have anything specific to contribute.

Excellent!!

Excellent.

Phew, so this has been a real toil, in part due to some bad personal stuff, and in part due to my general struggle with nearing the end. By the time I get to the last 20%(?) of a story, I've changed enough, and departed from enough initial ideas, introduced enough new stuff that it feels terribly untidy. I apologise for that. Hopefully there is enough good here to build tension / conflict and push the story towards a 'big/rousing/satisfying' conclusion. It won't pay off as well in this first draft, I'm sure, than a second, third or fourth version, but I'm hoping the bones are here (lol). This one is real short too, for reasons that probably will be obvious. Many thanks for your consideration!! Best, Robinski

Please may I submit on Monday?

Thank you!

Hey thanks for reading, Kais. You seem to be all caught up, well done Also confused on this I've done a bit on this, and more assimilation to come in the edit. Yes this. What are they arguing about? Why is J so mad? Yes. I've added a few lines to try and tie this down better. I'm starting to work these feelings in, but have more to do on that. Well, I am trying to not make that obvious, like it's a reveal, but it doesn't seem to be working on either level at the moment. I'll CoW it to the edit. The relationship has changed radically (as you may remember) from the initial conceptualisation, so it's probably inevitable it is still settling. I'm kind of discovering writing it. I will consolidate it in the edit. Interesting that you and Mandamon have quite different reactions to it (not necessarily incompatible, I hasten to add). LOL Super. I'm glad the ending worked for 'ee. Thanks so much for the comments. Off now to try and bash out Part 9 before Wednesday morning :-/

Cool, I'm happy with that at this stage. This is me all over, blustering through the first draft and having to fix the plot/chr rationale later. He does, or will in Draft #2. Also, I need to highlight it better, but yes he was being pursued, sort of, but there is a lot of confusion in the house and K and P hustled him away. "be up to high doh" - Scottish english informal to be in a very nervous or excited state: "I don't mind confessing that I was up to high doh with excitement before the game." I guess it's local. I'll leave it in for now. I thought of it as British, but maybe it's not! Excellent point. New paragraph to be included on these points. See answer above. Yes, and I need to deal with this somehow. Thanks for flagging. There's a basis to it, but not clear. I've added some lines on this. Better, I think. Good call. I've highlighted it's his awareness. Also, the pointy bit of the buckle (prong) can pick these locks, apparently (cough). Okay, I'll need to do the research on this and insert some more detail in the next draft. I've aimed identify that better. In short, he remembers pretty much everything, but lacks any understanding of the how/why/what of it. Take your point here. I've inserted a paragraph that punches up the argument. Edited. There's going to be a comprehensive overhaul of the magic system before the edit, so I'll can-of-worms this stuff until then, but yes, it's not consistent or particularly clear or elegant in it's logicality. Yay We do, some weeks back certainly. Looks that way Great comments, thank you. Some good challenges there that will make the story stronger.

We could all submit terrible sketch ideas that might produce concept that someone could produce after many rounds of 'editing'. And/or shout out what logos you like and we'll rip of someone else's

Your very liminal messaging at the end there convinced me...

Well, for one thing I love the title. In my rather simplistic way, I'm happy to take it face value, and not imply any undertones or overtures. It took me a moment to figure out what form I was reading, but I get it after the first few lines. "Unfortunately, their methods evolved..." - This seems part of the previous paragraph. Also, I don't really understand this bit about 'methods evolving with their prey'. It doesn't seem clear enough. In such a short piece, I'm looking for clarity rather than some kind of reveal at the end. "Trolls are instigating..." - I think this is a step too far. Are the trolls 'encouraging' it? It's still the humans who are instigating it, surely? The end of this first section, I feel, should be the disclaimer, which more conventionally would be at the end of something, I think. There's an inconsistency in the capitalisation of 'trolls'. I think it should be no caps, personally. Similarly, for me there are a couple(?) of instances where you need a capital (T)witter. The three lines ending "Trolls do not have feelings" were excellent. I went LOL, ROFL, LMFAO at that part "Sneak away from the protest..." - There's something missing here. It's too easy. How do we evade the troll and leave without the troll noticing? Need something more here, I think. The piece just stops. Even though it is user / how-to guide, it should still have a suitable crescendo at the end, I think: a twist maybe, or an unexpected punchline. It's anticlimactic as it is. Have said that, as a piece of flash fiction, I found it very entertaining, and got some goods laughs. Well done!! I think it will be much sharper and easier to whip through with some edits. LBLs in the mail <R> p.s. questions, sorry forgot: Is the voice consistent? - Pretty much so, I thought. Did it make you laugh? - Definitely, yes. Where are they typos and missing words? - All over the freakin' place (LBLs sent) What could I do to make it better? - As above, the biggest thing (barring word-smithing) is the lack of an ending.

Yeah. I'll trim the description a bit. Check on the sexual tension. More than half-way.I'd say maybe 2/3rds at the end of this section. I'm glad some parts are working, so I know which bits not to break! Hmm. I will cogitate on this. it's a good suggestion, and I did actually have in mind such a liaison at a particular moment in Part 8. Heh. Again, this is for another novella!! In fact, I need to revamp the magic system. I've got the bones of it () down, but I'm not mad keen on the internal consistency, and it lacks elegance and symmetry. It's missing an ingredient, an element, something. @aeromancer prodded my with some good testing questions. I'm going to look at the whole system again before the edit. Yeah. Not entirely sure what happened there. I went into the scene intending to make it more steamy than it turned out, and somehow it didn't happen, didn't feel right. And yet, I guess I managed to convince myself I was still going further than I usually would. Apologies for the let down I will reconsider this scene in the context of your comments above, and a potential additional scene in Part 8. The fact is this is not the actual reason. So, I need to flag better that Ch is dissembling. I've tweaked the conversation a bit, maybe it's better. I'll review this carefully. Done. Thanks for the call out. Good, challenging comments. Thank you

Yay, thank you for reading, Kais. No doubt, no doubt. I shall attack it again in the edit. Hmm. I'll aim to up the tension, but also weed out what can. I do take your point. This is happy news: that part seems to have universal approval. It bodes well for a continuing series of novellas in this setting, which is what is was aiming for. I'll go back and strengthen slightly this thread of J as minstrel/bard. Maybe. I thought that him playing on her vanity/pride (once she had hinted at it) would cover that. I'll look at refining it in the edit. I'm going to call first draft here, and mark it for refinement in the edit. I've been discovery writing--largely--for the last several parts around a fairly thin skeleton of a plan, but by the later sections, other then certain touch point, I don't have particular events or an ending in mind. Great comments. Thank you so much.

I'll change the name. It was pretty much the first I plucked out of my noodle, which obvs means it was well lodged in there

Yeah, I acknowledge that. I dunno, I think stories have a 'feel' about their tech level that makes me think about the technology in different ways. Ard with its wooden spaceships felt more natural to me in the sense of them not having phones or computers (really, I know they did, but I didn't think too closely about how they worked). In Oomph, with its autodocs and touchscreens, it feels to me like the level of personal tech would be higher. I'm sure it's not a huge issue.

... Yes. Thank you so much for picking up, Kais, really appreciate it. Was wondering about this, too. Everyone else has to give up their bones, but not this particular family? Why? Yeah, maybe it's status. I'll think on it. >>> >>> >>> !! Yeesh, that's almost... not saying. So, when you do that, Peruvian Amazon send it to you in the post, right? Like Amazon in any other country? Hmm, that's deep background. You might need to read another novella for the answer Sorry. I think the page lengths are perhaps defaulting from A4 at my end to US at your end. Was it omitting the tone of the gardener (who claps his hands and splits the group)? I am now doing the 'someone-used-the-word-compelling-in-their-critique-of-my-sub' dance. Yeah, I think I've flubbed this one. Inn-- is not the master of the house, but a major-domo or LordP. The lady J encounters in the wood is indeed intended to be the children's governess. This couple are in a position of considerable power on influence in the Pen household, but I may not have conveyed this well enough. I'll need to work on this. I feel the word 'unctuous' coming on... Great comments, thank you @kais

I am so very sorry for how horribly late this is, and I really only submit it now because there is only one other sub this week. If you are still willing to read it, any comments would be very much appreciated. I know there are issues here, but I need to hear them, so fire away Kind regards, Robinski

Soooooo... who all's going to Worldcon in Dublin 2019? https://dublin2019.com There's a few of us from Reading Excuses going as it is the writing/critique group's 10th anniversary next year. http://www.17thshard.com/forum/forum/38-reading-excuses/ What do you mean you haven't been to Worldcon 2018 yet? The future is just around the corner: no time like the present for planning ahead

Uh-oh...

lol, when is it my turn? you've had it for about a year and a half...

Excellent point, ahem. (p.s. just read my post again. I will try and more of the words right next time )

Awesome idea. I've taken this discussion over to the WC2019 thread >>>>>>>>

Let's do this. I can't see that there is a down side, and what a great up side that would be. Looking on the Dublin 2019 website, threes nothing at present under the 'Programme Ideas' heading, and it seems that they presently recruiting Programme Area Heads, so we farewell in advance of the 'game', it seems to me. I don't see a form complete, so maybe we just go ahead and pitch. Spitballing: It seems to me that Kais would be an essential panel member as a published author and an RE diversity champion. Then, I'm thinking that Mandamon or I would be the 'traditional' hetero male perspective. Mandamon, I would say, has fully embraced issues of diversity in his D-verse, with multiple examples. I am perhaps an example of an author still working through these issues, and fighting a feeling that I might be including such themes for the sake of it. By which I mean open, I hope, but uncertain. I defer to Mandamon as to which one of us might've undergone the biggest change in our time in the group I guess that WC19 will provide a impartial and unconnected moderator? I'm guessing that's how these things work. Also, we probably need another panel from the local Dublin writing community, but, unless there is someone lurking on here, we probably would reply on WC19 suggesting someone? Sidebar: I think I'll put up a thread on the main forum for WC19-goers on 17th Shard. That might be fun. Sidebar2: We should have a logo for REcon#1!