Robinski

Good luck!

I would like to submit on Monday, please.

@Mandamon, I thought your excellent LBLs deserved some response. - I have made some change to increase pace as you suggested around the first paragraph, and moved up the bit about the thugs. Also did some trimming. - I've unpacked the bit about 'natural waste' (that phrase is gone, actually). - "I patted my pocket where lay the purse that I had filled with nickel and silver by playing cards on my journeys" - This was a simple missing word, but I can see how it caused confusion. I also added a bit about 'tells' to explain the cards thing. - The term 'clout' is gone now, and I am only using 'marrow'. - He's not actually in solitary, but I appreciate it comes over that way. Also changed the bit about Ch protesting (wrong word), and clarified the three months thing. He's not almost out. Poor wording when I first mentioned three months. - The bit about Ch in the yard is not clear. J is thinking back to their first meeting, but that was three weeks ago, then he comes back to the present to be called over to her. I've reworded. - The reference to preparing the bones is something that has not come out yet. The best way is to boil them to get the biggest benefit. A quick suck maybe nets the user 50% of the power, if they are lucky. - "dancing before the bedding" - Lol, very apropos. - Ch's reputation. Yes, I did dodge that a bit. I like that idea of it being a bit of a teaser, but I haven't even hinted at it here because I haven't figured it out!!! I really need to do that so I know whether I should be dropping things in or not. That's my homework for this weekend (apart from keeping writing). I will seek to grow some beans so that I can spill them in the next submission. Thank you again. Really helpful comments to push me forward

Super comments, thanks so much for reading! Really pleased that it is improved and that's down to you guys keeping me honest. (See, I do listen!) i can work the individual motivations a bit better; they're a bit low-hanging-fruit at the moment, I think. Ch background too is 'light', including why ships won't carry her. I must admit I copped out a bit on that. Must try harder. There's an opportunity there. A fried in my youth called his female sibling his little blister, and the term 'bother' is there too (for brother, of course). Maybe it's an old UK think. Heat is literally the force he was thinking of deploying. The magic works around physical effects, so, the sense, the elements, natural phenomena. That's not clear yet, I guess, but I was trying to hint at some of the different elements. Pursuit and thoughts of family (on capture) - right, I can draw these out. Romance - good. Subtlety always beats weird obsession, I suppose Really appreciate those notes. Thank you!!

Ah right, yes, okay, I see. Hmm, an encounter fits quite well with where I am at the moment. It's denying it a little, but that could work pretty well. Thanks

Thank you, @Mandamon. LBL's very much appreciated I'm glad this is 'more like it', and note your comments. I can certainly tackle those thing you mention in Chapter 2. The stakes thing is interesting. I'm very keen not to have any kind of higher stakes at this point. If I throw in some kind of the world or nation is threatened thing at the start, I feel it will eclipse the personal aspects. I appreciate it might drive the plot harder, but I don't see it as that kind of story. Thanks for re-reading!

I imagine something sweeping and epic, like the West Wing theme music...

Hello again, @Lunarhade, and welcome to Reading Excuses. That was one of the least awkward introductions I can remember

Hi all, So, with your forbearance, I'm sending the first two sections of the story again, which are fairly extensively updated, although the bones are the same (pardon the pun). I'm hoping I've rectified or at least mitigated the main issues from before, and perhaps softened some of the others. Also, I'm hoping that clarify is improved in those areas where it was problematic. I'm not intending to trawl back and forth over the same material, hopefully, as the plot gets going, I'll be able to motor through to the end then edit and put out an alpha readers request. Many thanks to all readers. <R>

'young' man

Cool. We await the results with eager anticipation

Hey Kais, thank you for some very helpful comments, as always. Okay, I'm not sure if the voice is much different, I wasn't aiming to change it, but maybe the 'wrapping' is such that it resonates better? Don't know. I can hope. Now gone. There is a bit more character detail now, I hope, certainly on J and Ch. All this is either gone or changed. I've added more background to J and Ch, so I'm hoping this hangs together better. I'm relieved because there was 24 hours when I was ready to junk this and go back to my Q stand-alone novella. I always feel this way when I've had a (well-earned and thoroughly deserved) critical mauling. So, I think the story has passed the 'first hurdle' refusal test. I still believe in it Thanks again, K. <R>

Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading, @industrialistDragon. You may be my harshest critic at the moment, which is great, because I can't be allowed to get away with this *stuff* All of this is revised, hopefully addressed, or at least clearer, I think. I've tried to strike a better balance with this, and give more info, which was always the intention. Hopefully now more balance. The approach to J is different in this respect, and the descriptive passages modified. Also, the gender balance in the jail, which was ridiculous, unless I went down some weird road about why Ch could not be put in a women's prison. All gone in terms of the infatuation. I can only apologise for subjecting you to that. A slip towards the bad old days before I joined this forum, or certainly before you, Kais and Neongrey did. I'm going to can-of-worms this. The voice is coming over strongly for some people. I don't want to water that down by putting the job first, otherwise it's another heist story. I'm trying to get the USP of the world (magic) across first, as the most unusual (and interesting?) element, along with strong character voice and story tone (gritty). I'm aiming for that because 'heist' is a bit passé at the moment, I think, and I don't believe strong enough on its own to capture the attention of a publisher/editor/slush reader. I may be wrong, but I'll ride with this until the second draft and first alpha read, at least. I'll be really interested to see what you guys--should you read the re-submission of this section--think about the voice on the second run. I'm very grateful for your comments. Thank you.

Thanks for reading, @Mandamon. I think this is better now. More character in there, I just hope's interesting enough. Yeah. I've trimmed the start and concentrated on mistrust. The infatuation is gone. Don't know what I was thinking. I think J's motivation is better now from the start; certainly it is almost completely different. No, this refers to the physical act of sucking the broken ends of the bone. This was the method employed by J in the first section, because he was doing it in the street, in a hurry. We've not seen the full process of extracting 'clout' (slang term), or 'marrow' (more accepted/polite term amongst uses) from properly prepared bones. Completely revised. I'm going to resubmit Section 2 on Monday, slots permitting. Yeah, the infatuation aspect is gone, and with it the instant trust. While this is true, I do like it as a clear conclusion for the section, and it's worked for some people. Keeping it for now. Thanks again for reading. Very much appreciated

Thanks for sharing, Silk. You do write!! It'd be cool to hear an engineered/produced version. What are the chances?

I'd like two have a go on Monday please. I'll resubmit that last section.

Thank you @shatteredsmooth for your comments. Seems like I reverted to some old bad habits in this section (not that you would know that). I'm just tearing it up now. The first section actually was longer by then, and now is longer again, and better (I think). Yes, okay. I know how to fix the trust thing. The infatuation thing is... bleh. I'll fix it. It did? I thought is was pretty clear he was going to 'pokey' (prison), but anyway, I've embellished the last couple of lines a bit. Hmm, yes, okay. I see what you mean. I think it's clearer now. Haha, well, try saying it as 'a honourable' and see how you like it Some people write 'an hotel', which I think is hideous, because it's a hard 'h'. So, unless you say 'an 'otel', which would be crude and common, then I would never put 'an' there. In the case of 'honourable', to me that's a soft 'h', so the 'an' fits, in a way it would never fit with 'house', for example. I'm glad I did something right this week, thanks (It's been a total car crash otherwise, I admit it.) Yeah, this stinks. Notwithstanding that I'm totally revising almost everything to do with the personal interactions in this section, this line is particular malodorous. In relation to trust and motives, I'm going to work on those elements. Thanks again for and for the excellent comments

Thanks for the comments everyone. Lots wrong here. I'm going to re-write this section.

Because of how your story rattles along so quickly, and you don't try and explain any of the tech in any sort of detail, I think the reader would totally accept you just saying something very brief, like "We clumped along in those stupid, unfashionable mag-boots, trying not to bump helmets" (double entendre totally intended). I think this is proportionally brief to the length of the scenes on the Moon. The other thing to consider, though, is that this is a real opportunity to give your story weight (pun totally intended), by considering how really things like reduced gravity and breath masks or being in some sort of controlled atmosphere enclosure, affect the action/events.

Yes to the first bit, I remember thinking about it, but didn't express it. I was going to comment about the emotion (maybe I did; I forget), then I thought 'Did Mo have that much emotion in Society? I don't remember them being all the emotive, so maybe this is consistent? That doesn't mean it could not stand some more emotional investment thought. I do agree with this point.

I'm glad to be reading more of this. I did encounter one big issue that really rocked my ability to suspend disbelief, and when I say rocked, I mean shattered. - "Centuries ago, roads in this town had been built based on game paths, and eventually widened into multi-lane monstrosities" - Fair warning, I am a professional transportation planner. A network of game paths would--I have little doubt--be completely incompatible with a modern, strategically-developed network of 'multi-lane monstrosities'. Unless of course, the game in question were exceedingly well organised and forward thinking. - I'm reading Dresden Files book (I don't know what, 10, 11?), and so when I see SE now, I think SI. - "seemed to hover" - This was just a bit too literal for me. I was about to complain about stilts not hovering when i realised it as a metaphor. - "we need to sneak out looking like someone else" - This felt crude and unnecessary to me. We all know how a disguise works. - I found the short paragraphs on Page 3 annoying. Once has impact, after that... Annoying - Did I mention I was an engineer? If the world is as wet as described, the water table is going to be really high. I don't believe that these tunnels are not completely flooded. This smells like Hollywood making s * * t up to me. - L M A O at Z's mom delivering concerned line about the shoot-out. - ROFL at the disguise making m/s 'look more human' - If the rat is the height of a wolf, as implied by the eve level, it must be 30 feet long. How does it fit in the tunnel? I find this implausible. - Hmm, so D had the artefact, was in the same room with the artefact and their mother, and now has the artefact again, and has to do something with it. Feels like we've gone round in a couple of circles here. This really is a classic MacGuffin. Am I bothered? Not especially, just seems a bit 'plotty' at this point. - Not a very good security system on the van, or is D's phone special and illicit? Also, I'm not entirely clear of how Oo works and what benefit it is in this situation. - Why would D think the man running at the car was a real thief, and not the owner of the vehicle? That seems the most obvious thing in that situation. - I thought Al and Z were rather quick to abandon their familes and go with D. There's a lack of emotional weight to some of these decisions, and I must admit I'm not really feeling the stakes. - R popping up seems really convenient. How or why is he there and why did he not bring the bag? D can't fly the rocket and here's R just in time. - "The four stayed quiet" is out of D's PoV. They are one of 'the four'. - I felt like they got into the black of space too quickly. There was a nice moment when they took off then, suddenly, it's all black. The motion of taking off from the Earth was good, and I felt it, but it was a jerk, and D's thoughts about it were a little superficial, I thought, over too soon, imo. - PROBLEM: You've got characters on the moon. The moon has 1/6 Earth gravity and negligible atmosphere. You haven't dealt with that at all. There's a limit to stuff that you can dismiss with handwavium, in my view. Rocket cars that can leave Earth atmosphere and reach the Moon, I can accept by suspending engineering judgement, but not the fundamental nature of the Moon. I think you need to address that. By all means make some s * * t up about being in tunnels with establishing gee gaws and gravity convertors, but personally, I lost belief here. - "He didn't do anything." - Yes, he did: accessory. - I like the transfer of R's memory to D, although the PoV was confusing at first. A and Z's reactions are very unemotional. Overall, the pacing certainly rattles along, sometimes too quickly I think, leaving me cut off from the emotions that the characters should be feeling. It's like it's all too quick, never lingering on anything long enough for me to really appreciate it. The time on the Moon is a big issue for me. I know this is not hard SF, but if you gloss over stuff like leaving the Earth and being on the Moon and the nature of that, you are leaving the story bereft of the 'weight' of these things. My lsat completed novel is about 60% set on the Moon. It's not hard SF either, although it treads closer to the boundary, I think. I wrestled with gravity and atmosphere for quite a while. I'm not expecting that from you when they are there for about three pages, but I think you need to take the benefit and wonder of being on the Moon and let the reader appreciate it for a moment. So, science bit aside, my main problem is the stakes. Because of the clipping pace and scant emotions, I'm having trouble investing in the characters. I don't really feel their goals and motivations. D instantly accepts Mom's task, doesn't seem to give anything thought to it's significance, or meeting her father, but just embraces it and goes. Her friends drop everything without a second thought. It's hard to stay invested in the story when they don't seem to care that much about it. I think the outcome is that there isn't that much conflict, actually. Sorry to be rather down on this submission. It's not the writing or the style, it's the weight and the emotion that I'm missing. I'm that call all be rectified, if you think it's an issue. Always happy to read more, of course <R> (Line-by-lines sent by email)

Booya! Yay!! Good job on the characterisation previously, since I feel a nice feeling on seeing M again. - "reports of unnatural creatures" - I think it would be more natural here to say where they were right up front. "An ancient one was seen in the library with a candlestick!!" before going on to lesser details. - Okay, I'm struggling with the narrative being in the Ben form of speech. How does that work? It's third person, because you refer in the narrative to 'M o o r...', but then this section is in M's head. Confused. I mean, if it's in a Ben PoV, would the narrator use M's name at all? - "no other place to go" - Huh? Don't follow. Is this a poor place? Poor and homeless people still have places to go, meet people, do stuff. I'm not really sure what's being implied. - "No one would choose to live here, if they had means not to" - I'm not really feeling this generic poor area. I think this might be a case for being a bit more direct in the description. - "no sign of the original creature" - I'm confused by the narrative line here. One second there's a creature, but M is then absorbed by the surroundings. I presume he's forgotten the creature, then M's still thinking about it. I didn't feel at all invested in the manifestation, which feels cursory, offhand. Also, M basically leaves the Ef and walks straight into the first encouter (it seems), there's no time for any tension to build. I'm not feeling any stakes. Who is in danger? What is the cost? - "Houses of H, S and P" - Wait, what? I thought Maji could only see the colours of their own houses? - I like the alienness of what is happening with the vine, but I'm still not feeling the stakes. - "its back bubbled as little yellow flowers sprouted from it" - again, I like the weirdness, but M's reaction is really bland, imo. - "the entire house glowed" - This is the image. They turn the corner and, BAM, weirdness. The description really needs to be upped here, I think. I feel like we've just arrived in an Escher sketch (see what I did there ), that it's Yellow Submarine meets The Wall, but the description is not blowing my head off like it should. I think this is a moment to sell the whole premise of the story. On that subject, I thought this was to do with transforming creatures, shapeshifting is the way it was presented, but this is something else, my weirder it seems. - "I can't make him stop, the M said" - Emotion!!!!! pleaded, sobbed, begged. I sounds like the parent is filing the nails. "It’s getting worse every day" - Bah, there's a real lack of emotion and investment in all of the characters. Okay, first draft or whatever, but it really does transfer to the reader. I think back to Journey and the emotion from Nat, and also from Man in Society. I'm really feeling the lack here. - "So many changes in the Symphony" - Description again. Would this not sound like some sort of wild cacophony? - It was when you mentioned the infant that I suspect we may be dealing with a being hearing three houses (Am I close?). I see at the foot of Page 5 that is the case, however, how can M see all three colours, I thought maki could only see their own houses. - "A waltz became a march, the snap of a drum became a thrumming string" - These are contrary. I would say a march is much more likely to have drums in it than a waltz, being a martial rhythm, and a waltz would have many strings, classically at least. - I don't think you mention whether the infant is male or female at aany point, do you? - "terrifying" - I feel like there is a need here to really cement the stakes and the terror of the whole situation, to speculate more widely on the potentially disasterous consequences of this situation, i.e. to earn this word. - "The young M held up one hand..." - This passage is cool, and awesome. I still don't see the connection with the original report, which just seems weaker the more we get into this. - "fitting with other, rare, reports..." - I don't quite follow this. Reports around this same incident? Surely not more reports of 3-hour maji, which would seem to be satistically impossible to be expereinced by the same maji. - The last line falls flat for me as a last line. Personally, I think the Cllr should have the last line. I very much wanted him to say "I am to be having an idea for a collection of maji like yourself, a society, if you will..." This feels like a first draft to me. While there are some good ideas and some nice lines, I think there are areas of weakness, some of which are not unexpected, given your MO (like emotion to be added in the 2nd draft) I can see the potential though. I think this will be just fine with a few more passes. It does feel quite rushed though, but I can't see where I would want it to be (a lot) longer, so it's probably just the issues above, for me. <R> p.s. LBLs in the post.

Substantive comments follow. LBLs separately by email. - I don't get why are alchetmists vile. It can't be because they're guilded, is it? It seems these people have a special hate for witches and alchemists that they don 't have for other gilded people. - "The old woman grinned" - I don't get this. They seem to want to kill them, and reject both S & M's suggestions that they will just leave, but when Sam suggests it they are all smiles suddenly? The sudden change in emotion is jarring. - Some of the comments of the witch seem inconsistent. One time it wants S to die, then it wants S to go back. I think it's the die die die comment that seems to have nothing to do with going home. If they are going to die on the glacier, why not let them? - "M would release me from my guild once we finished our trip" - Not sure I get this. S is unguilded, I thought? - "far too alive" - This is not a very technical term for someone who speciliases in these things (meaning S). How do you quantify degrees of being alive? - "I fumed silently about magic," - Is this not the first time a magical force has helped S? I'm suprised S is not questioning its source further. - "And a glacier on the top of the world, away from all the people who love you and insist on smothering you with protection?" - But Magda is here. Does he not know there is a longstanding friendship between them? Also, who are all these people who have loved and protected S? Not aware of them other then Mother, who is also debatable in this context. Overall, it's good to be moving forward, to transition out of the village and be into another stage of the story. You'll have gathered from my writing that I like a bit of travel!! So, I'm fine with this. Some of the events were a bit confusing to me (see LBLs), but it's good to have a trio for the purposes of tension, and it feels like there is a nice amount of that. Looking forward to next week. <R>

Oooh.

Hi everyone, I hope this finds you well. Part the second of DH. All the usual stuff, anything you love, everything you hate. Let me have it and I will do my best to make amends Best, Robinski