Robinski

That's good! No problem. That's a good strategy. I'm too easily distracted by going off the search for things.

I did ask, didn't I? (Note to self: in future, don't ask!) Does marrow derived from different bones in the same animal have different properties, i.e. suppose a bone gave you strength. - Not at the moment, but I'm going to acquire that notion from you (I pay 0.001% per idea, so when I make $1M in sales, I'll send you a cheque for $1,000!!! - actually, £770) Would you need to suck marrow from the respective bones for strength to that area (femur for leg strength, humerus for arm strength, etc.)? - Interesting notion, and I'll admit I envisaged the system being so prescriptive. It's in doubt at the moment how closely the ability links to the characteristics of the animal at all. This all needs refined, which I have can-of-worms-ed to Edit#1 Does the marrow need to be pure, or can it be extracted and cooked into something like a wafer, or pickled to give rise to a magic drink? - It doesn't have to be pure, in fact, @industrialistDragon gave me an excellent analysis of process which I must try and capture in my revisions. Do fantastic beast exist, and does their marrow yield fantastic properties? - Ah-ha. There was a little wailing and gnashing of teeth (ooh, pun intended) when it was revealed that there are no magical creatures in this setting. My rationale is that I want to keep as close to (gritty) reality as possible, after the initial ridiculous proposition of the magic system. Is fish marrow useful? If so, what about cartilage-based fish (i.e. sharks)? - Fish, yes. Sharks, nope. No marrow, no show. What about ancient, preserved marrow, extracted from amber (a la Jurassic Park) or from oil (La Brea tar pits)? I would assume that they would have unique powers, but be flawed, in line with their partially preserved status. - Ha-ha. I doubt anyone knows the answer to that. If I get to Book 10, I may have to come back to this notion! Thanks for asking, @aeromancer. Much appreciated. <R>

Hey, thank you so much for reading, @shatteredsmooth. It's a call back to his excuse for leaving the group in the last section. He was supposed to be going to the shed on the beach to store it while he was working, but didn't. I think I'll run with this for now and see how a complete beta read finds it. I'm open to changing it as it's not the strongest section opening. I've tweaked this bit, but also will test the relationship logic in a complete edit, as I can accept the relationship stuff is maybe not completely 'logic' yet. LOL - yes, I think I was hungry when I wrote it Well of course that's exactly what I was trying to do, totally planned . Seriously though, thank you. It's so pleasing when something 'lands' for someone. Thank you. It's something I do too infrequently. There are times in my writing when I'm sure readers are begging for a montage but they get another four pages of 'stuff'. I must try and do it more, but I'm particularly conscious that this is a novella, and therefore I don't get to mark time with narrative. Thanks. I had been using 'dam', but realised it didn't really invoke the impression of an earth embankment. I've fixed that. Yeah, I reflected after posting the message that perhaps I was over-egging the pudding, and that really it was very 'E' after all. Must just be my prudish nature ( ). I think that's a valid use of the expression. I always have to think about that one too. I like your thought process there, and won't say any more about that. Actually, quite unusually for me--okay, very unusually--I've jumped ahead and written two later sections of the story after being pushed into it by pressure of ideas and feeling I had to get them down. So, I know where I'm going to some extent, which is not always the case. There's a full novel in this 'universe' that I wrote a couple of years back, although it's in a different town, a lot of years in the past, and it has a different magic system because... [***BREACH OF CONTINUITY: PLOT POLICE HAVE BEEN ALERTED AND ARE ATTENDING YOUR LOCATION. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FLEE THE SCENE***] Ahem. Anyway, great comments. Thank you so much. I've fixed some stuff there and thanks for calling the relationship issue. That's going to shadow me through this first draft, I'm sure, but I'll get a good thorough refresh of it in Edit#1.

Me too please, places permitting.

Hey Aeromancer, great to have your comments on this, and thank you enormously for taking the time to catch up. I am also delighted to have your comments on the magic system. That's an area that, after some basic ideas, I've sort of been developing as I go along. To some extent it's been shaped by the story, which might be a risky strategy, but I'll certainly need to overhaul some aspects in Edit#1. So far, so good. Essentially true. I'm keen not to have a big expositional passage about magic, but might try and drop some snippets of 'building' into the story in dialogue. Groups of animals have effects that are related. So, bovine, ovine, equine, feline, canine, etc. Thus, the bird 'family' (avians) has a range of somewhat different effects, but all related to the senses. Great point, and reveals the level of my research/thought on this. I can retcon this to his finding a new(wish) grave in the cemetery. Feels more contrived, but I want to keep it as much based in 'reality' as I can. Cool. I can live with this. This is the sort of thing I feel I can just do and the reader will have no real argument for not accepting it, because, magic (as you said) Ah-ha... maybe we learn that in the course of the story; maybe we will not Perfect, and I should be able to answer all of those questions, whether they are in the story or not. My thought was to have the outline of the system, write the story, then go back and tighten uptake magic system based on the outcomes of the story, and also all the questions that come back about the system. Ask away! Interesting. This might be improved when I go back in Edit#1 and revise some of the stuff around his family. You have read the most up to date version of the text of course, and are on the only person to do so, since I've been tweaking earlier sections as comments arise, but not resubmitting them. I also feel the need to interpose some addition internal thought process, which might improve the feeling for J. Okay. I'm comfortable with that at this stage. I won't say any more just now. I'm glad you 'kind of liked them' ( ). Q & M are on hiatus at the moment. I'm about 2/3rds through their second novel, but stopped subbing it to do this novella for the Tor.com open door, which I will now miss, but hey-ho. I full intend to go back to Q & M. The first novel, TMM, was rejected by AngryRobot, but I'd like to sub it/query it elsewhere. I also have revisions to do to TMM. I've had one beta read of it, but had another two lined up with have not materialised. I will return to TCC after this story, and I have an outline for TRR, which is the 3rd Q & M novel, plus an idea for a novella (TFF). Interesting, very interesting. Okay: good and good. In relation to the tension, I'm going back in Edit#1 to add one or possible two ticking clocks, so I plan to ramp up the tension more consistently throughout. Again, I agree that there is some work to do to strengthen the character motivations for doing the job. Good. I'll take that at this early, pre-edit stage. Thank you again for reading the whole thing, Aeromancer. Much appreciated <R>

Thank you, as ever, for reading, @Mandamon, very much appreciated. Yes. To be honest, that's where I was headed, but I thought I would stop where I did because it felt right, keeping this part shorter, and letting me get a good run at the next bit. I'm pleased that it still seems to be have been fairly effective. Yup. I must agree. If anything, it will get a little shorter, I think, as I pare down language and description in the edit. This is invaluable, and again, I can see where you are coming from. My aim is to tackle this in the edit, so I can see the whole span of the story. I feel like I know what to add in terms of internal recognition and acknowledgment of feelings. I like the idea of how the relationship is defined. I feel like that is a good area to explore. There is a longer arc around this element. Reaction noted, for now. I might need to retune later, but will keep going for now. Okay, okay. That's progress Noted. Clarified. Thanks. Fair comment. Is it about getting in easily, but I now have him acknowledging the difficulty of staying in the house. I need to work on an appropriate pretext for later. Huge thanks. Some great challenges here that will make the logic stronger

Duly noted, @shatteredsmooth

I don't know. I'm wondering if the stakes are enough to support to novel. Are the main stakes of the story all about healing her father? I'm just not sure I feel the scope of the story at novel level. When I said it feels like a novel, I meant from a pacing point of view, i.e. there would be a positive or negative resolution of the situation with her father, but also that the scope / stakes feel like the opening of the novel, but not the main story arc. So, my expectation was that this opening episode would resolve, then the story would move on to bigger, wider stakes, like a classic 'things get worse' scenario.

Hey, thank you so much for reading. Super, we have a second opinion I'm pleased that stuff worked for you here. I will go back and place a reminder or two about the stakes however. I think it does. I am frequently guilty, in my stories, of leaving these vague hints. It's kind of you to give it the benefit of the doubt, but I tend to think I need to give the reader something a bit more solid. Thanks for flagging. Yay! Yup, that's a stinker. Revised. Thank you. I can, and I will. In fact, I have. Ahem: when you put it like that... Done. Thanks. Thank you again for calling me on this. I like to think I'd have caught all this telling in the edit, but darn it, let's get into this now. Much obliged. Great comments; thank you so much. Some good fixes here

Hey Fox, thank you for much for reading, and for the LBLs which I will 'enjoy' after going through the thread

I had no idea what that was, and had to G**gle it, but thanks, yes, I recognise that is in there. It is, I think, a hang over from the initial vibe of J's perception and attraction to Ch, which was of 'dubious tone', I think it's fair to say. Do I still want this tone to his attentions? Probably not in the way of NMS, I think. I will let things take their course for the purposes of completing Draft #1, then pick it up again on Edit #1. Thanks for that.

Looking forward to this "I raised my eyebrow" I like how we get right into it where we left off, and there's tension from the start. "I think it could give my place a nice fung-shway that it's lacking" - LOL. I think the spelling is 'Feng shui', but I think misspelling is a nice way of implying that T can't pronounce it. I keep lapsing towards line edits, but it's only because I don't have any other issues. It flows really nicely. "He ducked and I missed my target, though my weapon found a home in his forehead" - You say that m/c 'swung wildly'. That suggests to me that he didn't have a specific target, so how could he miss it? Also, when you say he missed his target, what was he aiming at? If he was swinging wildly, I presume his only hope was to hit W somewhere, which he does. There are quite a few bits of phrasing here and there that throw me off. I think these bits could flow way better, but I don't want to drop into line editing at this stage, depending on your plans. What are you planning going forward? Are you taking the story to market? I'd be pleased to do a line edit of the complete piece as an alpha/beta read, once it's been through submission, if that is of any interest/help to you. "A gun-shot sounded and shattered Wart's laughter back into his throat." - Suggestion: these two words slow down the sentence and put space between the shot and the reaction. To me ear, it's more immediate without them. Just a suggestion, obvs. Great tension in the stand off with Ad. I like the simile of the pyramid of cards. I think the phrasing could be clearer, that you're alluding to the house of cards still standing, but being in danger of collapse, yes? I think 'a readiness to kill'; grammar not quite right with 'ease'. Maybe 'willingness to kill'. How can he fall into Ad's arms if Ad is still holding the gun? That's like one of those horrible scenes where the dumb-as victim knocks the rescuer's gun aside and the bad guy gets away/gets the drop on them. "Hurry now, I’m hungry" - lol. Ad is a good character. They both are, but m/c is a bit 'blank'/standard protagonist. I don't get a good sense of who he is, yet. I'm surprised m/c can take his jeans off and untie his shoes, given the condition of his leg. He should be feeling that stretching pretty badly, shouldn't he? "a few bricks shy of a load to aim" - this is a bit tortuous. "I don't know how you can walk around without dragging your face on the ground." - I don't understand his meaning here. The bit in Ad's hideout with the gun sapped the tension for me, and the momentum. It feels shoe-horned in, a bit. It's not that I don't want the background, but it feels here like the focus comes off the wound, when the wound has been the focus. I think that's the point where the momentum falls away. For me personally, I'd prefer to see this background interspersed with Ad sewing up the wound. That would keep the tension/momentum up, while also importing the background/world-building (maybe pared down a little). The 'storm coming' line is verging on cliché. That's a well used line. I'm not saying don't use it, but I am saying try and find an innovative way to deliver it, rather than low-hanging fruit of the direct approach. Why does it matter that a handgun is safe, when the people it might have meant something to are dead? I'm not sure this lands for me. Also, I'm interested and invested in the main story, and I'm definitely VERY curious to know what is in the box that m/c found. All this background is distracting me from that, and it's feeling rather drawn out. It's good background, but I'd consider condensing it. I DO like that you are continuing the conversation during the sewing up of the wound. I think you could make those two things overlap completely, if you condensed the side story. I didn't notice it snowing, but I like the description of the sleet battering on the roof; very atmospheric and moody. Nicely done. Huh? I don't understand how one soldier's body can completely disintegrate due to the nuclear strike, but another one is still alive many years later, with no apparent ill effects. This makes no sense to me. Walls don't stop radiation, surely. And the other soldier, B, was outside the walls then? Pretty dramatic end to the chapter. I like that. A few irksome details, typos, etc., but I really enjoyed the chapter. I think you got away with the back story, and I wouldn't delete it, but a good edit would help keep it tight and therefore less of a drag of forward momentum. Everyone is entitled to a sequel to an action scene, I just hope that forward momentum will be resumed straight away in the next chapter, which I'm very keen to see. Nice work

Yeah, I totally thought it was a novel.

"She didn’t think so, in fact if her father had been well then, he most likely would say that he wanted her to take care of herself first, worry about him second."- My point was, if her father had been well, she would not have felt any guilt as there would have been no reason to worry, and he would not have been called upon to tell her to think of herself. If her father been well, there would be no dilemma, so, it's sort of self-defeating statement. "That was one thing she like here, the servants were there to cater to her. She understood the need to be self - reliant, but it was so convenient to have servants take care of the little things." - Yeah, this makes her really unsympathetic, to me. She comes over so entitled and self-important that she can't be bothered to select some gloves (for example). I'll settle for some revisions No problem

Hiya, hiya, hiya!! Here is Submission 7, which is Part 6, because of the time I went back a step. This certainly progresses events (I feel that is certain), but does it hold the interest, unfold the background, add to the tension, and does it entertain? Does it progress events quickly enough? As ever, any and all comments will be most welcome. Thank for the encouragement to date from all who have critiqued. Best, Robinski p.s. This submission is brought to you by the letters 'L' for naughty language; 'S' for sexual situation(s); and 'E', which is for erotic content, because I thought maybe it was a touch steamier than my usual fare. You have been warned...

Hey man, thanks for reading and commenting. Good challenging stuff, as always Roughness, yes, fair enough. It was rushed in a bit at the end. I like to try and make at least a second pass before submitting, but I'm not producing the words quickly enough on to do that and keep pace. I could make all sorts of blithe comments about how long casting has been in existence, but that would not really answer the question, so I'll need to take this away and think about it. I appreciate it will be unpalatable to a fair few people, but I feel like it is 'on tone' for the story. Legitimate reason to be in the house but, as you say, is that such a big deal when they would 'just' break in anyway? I think I will play up the fact that it is not so easy to break in. Hopefully WRS. They had already jumped down. I've made him question his reaction more closely. I will need to foreshadow the storm better. I accept it's not clear. It happened in the week after J got out, before the first meeting. Maybe, but he is practically spoon fed the chance. The delay talking to the children. Clarified, I hope. Ideally they would be 'cooked', but they can function at a lower level (66%?) by eating it raw. It think it might be clearer in the previous sections, as I've been back-editing as we go. Hopefully so, and an alpha read will pick these points up. Low, yes. He's no angel. Explanation, yes, that seems reasonable. I've have added some. Thank you very much for the comments. Some things there I really do need to think about, and some more clarity gained, I think

Here we go... Page 1 I like the first line, and the first paragraph, I get drawn right in by a direct style and no punches pulled. I think maybe "foregone dream" is meant to be "forlorn dream"? "Struggle is..." - Pow: that's a slug in the gut. Very effective line. Should 'struggle' be in inverted commas? Page 2 "like the hair of my mother" - awkward phrasing: 'mother's hair' seems more natural. "dirty their coat sleeves" - I'm not familiar with this phrase. Not sure I see how it works, so it came over rather awkward. There is some really powerful stuff here. "an 'R' rating" - methinks You've used capital 'R' rating, but small x-rating, seems inconsistent. I'm glad there is what appears to be a positive turn towards the end of Page 2, as things were pretty unrelentingly grim to that point. "Food is scarce and often friend" - This came over as a comic line to me, which has not been the tone so far. "I was shocked to find something in such good condition wedged in a drainage pipe" - I did not associate this with the van; 'something' was odd to me, because you'd already specified what the something was, so I didn't take the step back to associate that with the van. Also, to me (Scottish), a drainage pipe is a small thing. In the UK, we don't have those huge big, exposed storm drains that you guys have stateside. Page 3 "I'm a refuse" - Hrm. I got stuck on this. To me, 'refuse' is a verb, or it's an indefinite noun (I know that's not the right term. What I mean is you can't count refuse, you can count items of refuse). So, my brain is telling me that m/c might be a 'refuser' or a 'refusal' but, to me, they can't be 'a refuse'. "streets smelled better" - lol, er, ew. "I’m always on the lookout for something better, easier ways to make money mostly." - Surely this can be said of everyone? What makes m/c so special? It doesn't sound like an especially insightful stretch of the imagination. "I'm a full time e/w scavenger" - Cool idea. I wonder how much gold they get from what weight/volume of waste, but I'm willing to be convinced. I presume these two are not the only ones. Others must have this knowledge but, again, I'm willing to believe there's enough waste to go around. I'm a bit sceptical about how they get the chemicals; that must cost money, doesn't it? "lanky like a flute" - rofl. Page 4 "A sells me the acids I need on the cheap" - why? Doesn't seem to make much sense for a scavenger. I'm thinking "A smiles and nods..." maybe is a new paragraph. Seems odd to end a longer one on dialogue. "heaps of RAM" - as an acronym, I think it needs to be capitalised. Sorry I'm harping on LBL stuff, but I tend to do that only when something feels closer to the finished article, and this does to me. It's really good, and I'm enjoying it. I don't buy that human spit is going to sizzle that loudly. Page 5 Okay, I would say this is the first page where I've felt there was a bit overmuch exposition. Up to this point, I've been fine with it. It was the second half, the start of the next section. I don't mind the exposition, because it's kind of poetic, and full of good ideas that engage my interest. For me, the national park paragraph is good, and then the columns of smoke has good ideas too, but they are quite similar in tone, and one after the other felt like a bit much. I wouldn't like to lose the smoke para though. Maybe it would fit somewhere else? Page 6 Ah, when you say W o r t, you mean the skin blemish? Isn't it spelled 'Wart'? The internet seems to think so. I notice the exposition on this page more, because it doesn't seem to mesh so well with the action. I felt that the paragraph about him getting there interrupted the flow of two paragraphs about T&W. Page 7 Where do they buy things? I feel like they can't get off the island, but maybe that's not true. Page 8 The narrative seems to pick up some momentum around 7/8 when we get into the encounter with T&W. As I say though, I did not mind the exposition in the earlier stages. Page 9 I like how R doesn't now their names, then learns D's. I like the idea of the 'get laid' insult, but it didn't flow smoothly for me, I had to re-read it. I think maybe a little light rephrasing would make it land stronger. Page 10 "I twisted around and saw the ground manager watching us, along with twenty other workers who were now distracted from their jobs." - I'm not sure how this works. I got the impression there were big piles of trash around, and did not imagine there was such a wide field of view. Maybe I just didn't pick up the setting quite right. Can a smile be seen at that distance. I imagine it's a good fifty yards. Also, I'm quite surprised there would be so many official staff working on a rubbish dump. What are they all doing, I'm wondering. Page 11 Not sure his adversaries were outfoxed, seems to me they are tolerating his presence. Not sure I would categorise calling for help outfoxing. "Any workers had long ago disappeared to their homes or any seedy bar welcome to the night." - Don't understand the wording of the last bit. Also, I'm a bit confused about the island. I'm imagining it as one huge big rubbish dump and nothing else, but are these homes and streets and bars on it, or do the workers return to the mainland on boats? "Picking up a few more servers..." What size are these things? Is this a world of future miniaturisation? My mental image of a server is much bigger than this. Page 12 The light is very intriguing. "Even with up to my shoulder emerged..." - Huh? Don't understand. Some of the language around here needs a pass. Page 13 "Some kind of metal trunk" - Oooh, very interesting. I don't understand how he might lose himself. Is it from the trunk falling on him? It's unclear what's happening here, I think. Page 14 Oh, frustrating cliffhanger, but I'll go with it, as I had already decided that he wouldn't be able to open the trunk because of the locks, so I wasn't expecting instant gratification (of seeing what was inside) before T arrived. Summary I enjoyed this a good deal. You style is direct, and I did not mind the exposition much at all, until maybe Page 6, which I started to feel it was in the way a bit. Sure, there are a few words out of place and it needs an editing pass, all easily fixable, but it was easy to bypass that and enjoy the ideas and the story. Some of the details made me stop and go 'Huh?' but that's what critiquing is for, of course. I think maybe you might considering dropping in some other sense in the description. I felt that there were good chances for sounds to be front and foremost, not to mention smells, here and there. That would give the dump a bit more life. The characters seem okay so far. I like R's voice, kind of snarky, but amiable, and yet also aspirational, and quite positive, which is good. There is maybe a danger of T&W being a bit pantomime villain-y, but I'm assuming they are not the big bads of the story anyway, so no big deal. I think this is good work, and I'm looking forward to seeing the next bit <R>

You were completely correct, of course. I changed the word. I don't mind word-level comments at all. I'm constantly doing that to others. Live by the (s)word... etc.

Oh yeah, been there. One of the most stressful things you can do. Good luck with that!

Hey Zay, I've got to apologise; I've been terribly slow at reading after spending responding to my own critiques (from last week!). I'm reading now, and will post up comments later today, or tomorrow morning. I wanted to chime in now, though, and say that I absolutely love the title, and have done since you posted the sub, so, I have great expectations!!

I will do that. Also, on some of the additional LBLs... Ch. "P must be up to no good, don’t you think? Perhaps he’s spying on D in return." - You're right, this line was hanging. I've added the second to make it feel more like a reply to J's point. “A pasty for me,” said Ch. pleasantly[SC1] . [SC1] I don’t like this word. Sorry, but your response generates an image like this... Some good tidying up and fixes in these LBLs, thank you very much, SC

Reading these now. Some of the stuff you've noted has changed, so hopefully better. "I skim read the numbers... they can't carry the same wit" - Ah-ha, I consider that a challenge. I have edited that bit, and I think it's quite witty now "What about the stall keepers who paid him to play?" - That's just a note for me, of course, but I made it four songs, up from three, and figure you are right. They've got their money's worth. "What are they doing here actually? Is this relevant to the plot? The story has seemed fairly plot driven to this point, so wandering around kind of jars with that, as much as I like a good bit of milieu and character time." - I've tried to clarify earlier that, when J&Ch they start moving, the wagon is their destination. "Hmm… plot now appears to be hinging on W's secret force of adepts – something we’ve not encountered in the story yet, so it’s abstract and distant from us, which makes it weaker as a primary story motivator. Could be solved with some foreshadowing earlier in the story…connecting the dots of a previous question or something to give it more force, power, more reality." - Good point. See, this element of the plot has emerged through discovery, so I will need to do exactly what you suggest. (P's statement about Pen being wise as soon as he sees his desk) - I meant to imply that Pen thought their task was to steal the ledgers, but it's not it's for J to memorise them. I've clarified this statement from Pen. I see that your reaction to the bones was right up there, then came crashing down when they weren't from a hippogriff (for example). What I've been going is magic based in gritty realism. That does (unfortunately?) lead the level of wonder being reduced, I suspect. I think there are 'wow's to come, but perhaps not exactly in the way you might have been thinking. I'm going to go out on a limb and try to coin a new term here 'Dirty Fantasy' anyone? Anyone...? "Braveheart spent the first 29 minutes of the film making us care about Wallace and Muron (sp?). It was time well spent." - Hmm, maybe for a Sassenach*, but for me, he was still an Australian. If only GERARD BUTLER!! had been a bit older at that time. On your point, I'm glad you found the stakes increasing there, and yes, I'll need to show the family, I think, in some wise. "You've levelled up." - Woop, woop. How much XP do I get? I'm gonna put it on my Plot Logic skill. "He's not staying with you" - G was supposed to be part of the job, but D has sprung this change on them, G included. I've change G's line about friendship; streamlined it. The language was untidy. I think it sounds more natural now. Great LBLs, thank MF (* Scottish term of endearment for an English person )

Hey, thank you so much for reading, and for the LBLs, fantastic. I will get to those after the comments on the thread. Okay. Certainly, there has been a range of reactions, so I'll take this under advisement to some extent. Others have called me on a lack of urgency, and this comment seems to be in the similar ballpark to those. I'm working on a ticking clock which I hope will give this section and the whole story so far more impetus. I can look at trimming this. That's a job for the first full edit. I've clarified this bit, I think. That statement is intended to summarise, but not clear enough before. Hmm, yes. I've replaced 'neutral' with 'impassive'. Right. I've trimmed it a bit. To some extent this is about blocking and aiding the reader picturing events, but I'll accept it's a bit much here. I have trimmed it. I've tidied it a bit, and it will get another work over in the first full edit, but I'm glad you called me where you found it too much. Excellent. That is great news. It's so rewarding to feel that the story is getting stronger with these comments and changes. Thank so much for reading and commenting. Off to the LBLs now

Rofl. I know you can get through it, despite the absence of 'spice' Excellent point; it certainly gives me pause . It was very much meant to reflect that J is still a bit scared of her, partly through reputation, but also being around her, and seeing evidence that she is as capable as her reputation suggests. I accept there should be a line or two more for Ch character building before this point, and I will seek to add that depth in the next pass. Ah yes, I'll agree with this. Everyone is indeed very calm. Yeah. I'm going to add a ticking clock, which was the original intention, but... Ooh, idea!! I've gone back at retconned a ticking clock. Yeah. More bants. I'll watch out for that going forward. I'm not sure how much room there is in what's passed before. Good call. Some description of the market added, which spun into some background detail for J. Lol, yes, me too. I've added a pretty big element to Ch's situation in response to Mand's (and your) comment about ticking clock. I fear it influences (hopefully not changes) this exchange a bit, not the nature of it, but reveals more of the rational for Ch's reaction and gives J something concrete to think about. SO, have I gone and broken it? I don't think so, but I'll really only know when someone does a complete alpha(beta?) read. Thanks for this though, that really made me think harder about the exchange, and gives me great encouragement that I'm serving Ch well (so far). Well cool. Part 5 adds two more female characters with lines, one of whom is a PoC It is, but... Great comments, thank you so much, Kais. Those drugs are not addling your brain at all!