Robinski

Well, it's almost within tolerance at a tiny smidge over +10% of 10,000 (+12.2%, actually), but I think you'll find that--so close to the dramatic culmination--WE DON'T CARE (well, I don't). (page 1) - "Every day, we gain valuable information" - One day, one of these epigraphs is going to be S's, and I am going to 'lose my sh*t'. One from Or is almost as good and, because it's him, and I know where it comes from (in character terms), I can forgive its slight dryness. - "...had combined ranks" - Loooong old sentence. (page 2) - "wasn’t solid (Huh?) like wood (Hmm, I guess maybe)." - "but rarely left it" - Have they ever? I don't recall it. - "now they had driven out or destroyed" - Suggestion (something like): want more darkness, more grimness, more stakes. (page 3) - "barely had time to talk to each other" - Excellent personal stakes in the first paragraph here. - "the least diplomatic person she knew" - LOL , with a bullet! - "hard enough she could feel the pressure in her bones" - Actually, this is not all that hard at all, surely. (page 4) - "that it took this many" - This is not great scientific method, IMO. Say there are 1,000 of them, or even 200; the biggest group they had together before that was, what, 10, 12? And was that group not pursued? Although, maybe that small group did not attract attention remotely (i.e. from outside the wall). Still, there is a big margin. Most likely, it would not take anything like the numbers they have massed now. There are only two data points (maybe only one). Ergo, not sure R is thinking scientifically here. End of boring rant. - "our new friends in the SoTH" - are they not more his friends than 'their' friends? I can still see him saying this line, and R rolling here eyes and thinking, 'more like your friends'. (page 5) - "pretty much everyone" - How many is it? I could really do with a sense of scale about now, so I can appreciate how terribly outnumbered they are (presumably). (page 6) - "scuttling after him" - I'd prefer a more powerful, threatening word. At this late, late stage, this is war. I want it to feel like a battle, like the landings in Saving Private Ryan, like the Ride of the Rohirrim, like the battle scene in Rogue 1. (First examples that came to mind.) I'm hankering for heroism, risk taking, unexpected reverses, last stands, etc. (page 7) - "R leapt forward" - but not just her, because she is flanked by others. It sounded to me like she went alone. - "keep the creatures from sliding down on her" - But don't they just 'absorb' the guard? Great battle scene emerging here. This was called for, I think, and delivered nicely so far. - "crush the creatures so thoroughly they dissipated" - This is a neat idea, but it sounds like she's coming up with it on the spot. Surely they must have discussed a plan of attack before engaging the enemy? Not saying we need that scene, but I think as brief acknowledgement that it happened would be good. (page 8) - "or chop off a leg with her belt knife" - I can't imagine she's going to put down the spear--which I imagine she's wielding two-handed--to get a knife out. Which makes me think she's using it one-handed. Even though the spear is short, the El will put a big load on it, won't they? Which made me think she was still likely to be using it two-handed. - "the music pushed back on her change" - Great detail. Still enjoying this battle. I feel I can count on my nose the number to times the Syn has been used in battle, actual battle, in the all the books I've read. Which is excellent, not a criticism. Entirely reasonable and right to revere such spectacle for the last in a trilogy, IMO. (page 9) - "R saw a young Et maj" - I continue to feel that tell us the character saw something puts a layer of separation between the reader and the action, compared to just say "A young Et maj", because we are tightly in R's POV, so we're only looking through one set of eyes. (page 10) - "scampered forward" - You've been seeing too many rabbits in your garden . This is a very cutesy word. It's like a line from Bambi, or some such - "could jump surprisingly high" - Oooh, chilling. Unexpected, and therefore nasty. Feels like a modest reverse in favour of the El, but that's good, because there needs to be nip and tuck, I feel. (page 11) - I like the setback here, very good ebb and flow, they look like they're doing okay then things gets worse. Nicely done. (page 12) - "still so weak from his time in the Met spacecraft" - This line seems to come up every time there's a need for Or to use his power. I've no doubt it's true, but there seems not to be any progression. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I just wonder if the line could somehow be different, that there might now be some change in status. It begins feel repetitive to me. (page 13) - "named Kip O'C" - Hang on a sec. This is massive. This, clearly, is an Earth name. I know why it's here, I think. (Kickstarter, right?) The thing is, it can only be a name from Earth, surely. I forget what S's surname is, but no other name in this Earth style has appeared in the stories that I can remember. So, this implies that there is another maj from Earth. If nothing else, I would expect R to have remarked somewhere about the strangeness of the name, maybe. It just sticks out like a sore thumb to me, and seems to have serious implications for the world-building, and for S. It sticks out like John Carter, Flash Gordon, etc. This is a placeholder, right? Tell me it's some kind of placeholder. (page 14) - "limit there was to the creatures’ range" - but I had thought they hat the maj barrier? - "rings of the containments" - Oh, I think I see, not a wall-type barrier then. (page 15) - "accomplished something" - But surely it's temporary? Or is this a permanent change? I suppose it is. But it's something that would gave happened anyway in a little time, wouldn't it? So, it does not seem like much of an achievement next to the thing she sets it against. (page 18) - "Stuart T" - See above. I get the reason for this, but I've gotta say that surely the line must be where something commercial changes the narrative of the story, which this is doing, IMO. Imagine reading LotR: "Frodo and Sam walked the winding ways through Hobbiton, wending their weary legs home to Bagend. Everyone had turned out to meet them: there was Tufty Longmeadow; yonder, Borages young and old; and over there by the fence, Jim Mackintosh was standing, puffing on his long pipe, chatting to Emma Richards by the water-cooler about the latest episode of Love Island." It's like having a big billboard in the middle of one of the biggest chapters (in scale and import) in the book. It's like an ad break. I have to say, it's disappointing. - AND, this 'ad break' comes right before a hugely significant moment in the next paragraph or two. In other words, almost exactly like an ad break. (page 19) - "reformed into" - This is a bit weak for the transformation, I feel. A transformation that most of the people watching will never have seen before. Has R seen it? Has Or, or Man? (I can't remember.) I was expecting more horrified wonder, or some other strong emotional reaction. - "holding someone" - But, there was mention of two 'Sat', the other being Re, no? - "What are you doing here?" - This should be a great dramatic moment, but I'm still hung up on KOC and ST, because I know how they got there, and they've invaded 'my' story, that I was reading to myself and enjoying in my own head. - "did a double take" - To me, this is a comedy gesture. The mood feels wrong. (page 21) - "at least two days before the fight" - It feels like weeks, in a good way. I almost forget they've been reunited once already. (page 22) - "She almost laughed hysterically" - can't imagine R doing anything hysterically. - "which had nearly killed the Ef" - Oh, shoot. I think I've forgotten something. Did he not kill the Ef? "was not actually the one" - Oh, I've certainly forgotten something. (page 23) - "no hard feelings" - LOL. This is a great line here. I don't laugh out of comedy, but from satisfaction seeing En so confident that she can be ironic towards Ri. That's excellent. - "S fell..." - Yes, excellent timing, I think. Just where I want to be going with the momentum pausing in the Imp. (page 24) - "I can see the edge!" - Oh my good gravy!!! (page 25) - S's anxiety here is compelling. Very appropriate: it is a scary place, I'm convinced. - "to hold maybe six people comfortably" - Ooooh, not for S, I think. That's pokey!! [Edit at Page 31: Oh, forgot her prefers being enclosed.] - "plans from those who built it" - I like the feel here. It's a tad Ringworld-y, discovery of some huge artefact. I like it. (page 26) - "Do they control the N?" - This is a hugely powerful line, and I think it deserves it's own paragraph. (page 28) - "UP IN THE VERY SURFACE" - Unclear, I thought it meant this place was up near the surface (even though they came down to reach it). (page 29) - "IT KEPT ME HERE" - As in trapped, imprisoned? - "GROUP OF MAJ" - Oh, so they are maj? That's surprising. I expected something outwith my experience to date. (page 30) - "keep you from coming here before" - Confused. The voice said it built the Net, including this place, so not sure it was prevented from coming here. - It's anticlimactic, I think, that maj guilt the Net. It has always seemed a godlike act to me, and I expected something more, greater, different, beyond my experience so far. (page 32) - "It was like doing calculus while..." - fabulous line. - "Why is it trying to kill us?" - I've seen no sign of this. (page 33) - "These were all actions he could take" - Confused, there is only talk of pushing a button here, no other actions that I can see. (page 34) - "But you have to destroy everything to remake it, don’t you?" - This is exactly what the voice just said. - "trapped over there" - Still not sure I get where the voice is. - "He had sent the Dr" - I can't remember is he did this on purpose, or accidentally, before realising what he was doing, or where it was going. And adjective here would help me with that. (page 35) - "It seemed like facets could move" - They can? I don't remember this. - "facet had aligned" - oh, I thought that was more of a figurative alignment, rather than the facets actually moving. (page 36) - "CYCLE TO PLAN" - I feel that the voice has gone beyond planning, this thing is happening. I suggest 'BRING ABOUT' since it is physically happening, surely. Also, this brings me back to my point about being disappointed the voice was nothing more than a maj. The voice has existed for 100,000s of cycles? How can it be a regular maj? That doesn't make sense to me. - "Was it designed specifically to keep the voice out?" - But surely the voice said earlier that it contributed to the construction of the Next, which includes this place. This seems contradictory. I'm rather confused. - "They were connected all the way...to the Imp" - This sounds like the console is connected only to the Imp, but surely that can't be the case, there must be control consoles for each of the facets then, but I feel that is not how this one was described. (page 37) - "and so much more complicated than anything else in the universe" - I'm disturbed that he sets up this vibration through the entire Net, but he has no idea what it will do, and he does not consider what it might do, doesn't even give it a second though, just does it. If this thing shakes the El, it's going to shake all the other beings in the Net, surely? He does not even pause to consider that he might be killing every living creature in the entire N; every single facet of it!! (page 38) - "And it had been designed by maj like him" - Again, this is really underwhelming, IMO. Not even a 3-house or 4-house or some god-like creature that can hear all of the symphony. Just a few maj? - "Something to get rid of the El" - But I don't really know that he understand what he's done. It seemed like he was flicking switches with no clue what they did. (page 39) - "What if he caused even more destruction then the El" - Ah, you've lost me here. I don't believe S would do what he did without considering the consequences. He is the furthest thing from foolhardy I can imagine. He started from having zero confidence, so, when he has acted--it seems to me--he has always been one step away from not doing anything because of rampant fear of consequences, and now he is doing this? It's like a different character, IMO. - Nice ending, good drama, and subverting what happened to get here, but linking to what he has done before. I like that. OVERALL This was a great chapter, very strong here so close to the end, but I felt it was let down by two, for me major, elements. (ONE) - S's decision at the end. I'm completely unconvinced that he would do what he did, just start mashing around with no strategy and no thought, not a millisecond's consideration, for the potential consequences of his actions. This is someone who, what, a few weeks ago? was paralysed with fear and doubt, and now he's just winging it? I don't buy it at all. (TWO) - There's so much more I want to say about the two 'ad breaks' in this chapter, but mostly I'm scared there will be more lurking up ahead to foul the story narrative and spoil my immersion. [Ed. - Okay, this next bit is rant-y, but that's part of why you're here, right? I hope so. This next part is brought to you by the words 'respect' and 'honesty', and the colour blue.] I really feel it's vanity on their part. No doubt they must think it'll be nice to have their name in a book, that's their (shortsighted, IMO) emotion, but that choice shows no understanding of the impact on the narrative, and everyone else reading the story. I mean, you can do it in an Earth-based / Space Opera SF story, because more than likely the background will permit the name to be inserted with no impact on the narrative, the setting, the world-building, but this is a story where Earth is lost, no way back home: it's a critical part of the main character's background, a main character I've been following for hundreds and hundreds of pages. His world utterly lost to him. Then these names pop up from nowhere that are clearly Earth normal. How can they be there? Why have there been no other Earth-normal names, and why does no one question this? It's a really good chapter. It's got so many of the element I was hoping for around here. That just makes my issues strong even more. The second one, well, that's a story matter. The first one...I just don't know.

It really is. I'm expecting to get gout at some point if I don't get run over by a bus. What is your favourite cheese, @Snakenaps?

I know, I know; I'm just blatantly cheating now, having read ahead of the class. Yes, I'm a snotty-nosed swot My excuse remains that I'm attempting to promote debate. A happy side effect of me posting comments although I read the chapter three weeks ago* is that I have no un-posted-in threads on the forum (got to keep the column of stars neat and tidy). Also, I love this story and I love talking about it, so there. Overall This chapter is a bit slow, IMO. There are some good notes, and I completely agree that we need to see Ir doing her job, so that we can establish a new baseline. It’s not a long chapter, so that’s fine too, but I think there are some details and some notes that are off. In particular, I would raise Ir’s attitude to mundane animals, which is pretty insensitive, verging on cruel. This is not her as a character at all, as far as I can see. I mean, there's just no need at all for her to be referring to ‘stupid’ animals. Still, these quibbles aside, it's still an enjoyable chapter, and I am having a good deal of fun strolling along in Ir's footsteps. That's not me 'having a pop', at the pacing, not yet; there's plenty of time for that As I read... Good form is to use words not numerals, certainly in fantasy. In SF, I would say it's more grey, depending on what it is. Here, she's reading numerals on the cubby, so I think that fits okay, but in narrative, quoting a number, I think you'll find that any professionally edited book uses words. Also, Ir must be able to see that next to her 188 cubby, there will be 189, 190, 191, running off down the row so, logically, I think she would say ‘More than one hundred and eighty-eight people work here.’ “And to think the restaurant ran on only sixteen employees, including herself” – This comparison is not helpful, IMO. There is no comparison there that makes sense, IMO, between one restaurant and a palace kitchen. “They’ll be interviewed, and the records amended” – Excellent line. We needed something to show that P was not as sweet and welcoming as she seemed to be. It was all ist a bit too cosy up to now. “stupid mundane” – Hmm, no. That doesn’t sound like Ir to me. She is, IMO, a sensitive and caring person. I don’t believe she would think of an animal as stupid just because it’s not one of the elevated creatures. Perhaps domesticated? Or unintelligent? Or perhaps just ‘mundane’ on its own. “how little magic she had” – I don’t buy this. She’s been using her ability the entire day, and it’s still going. I think that’s really very good. Also, it makes me wonder if—by this intensive use—her ability will get trained up to be stronger. That would be interesting. “like the warmth of the sun in the unfamiliar, cool halls” – Standing outside on a summer’s day has just been used to describe a bad thing, so this is awkward to then have it as good. “could never be a friend” – This seems rather prejudiced, to think that there are no good M, at all, and every one of them is bad. I can understand why Ir would hold that prejudice, but objective experience shows it’s not true. E.g. Oskar Schindler, to pick the first example that comes to mind (to the limited extent of my knowledge based on how he is presented in popular media). “a plague in a flower garden” – Flowers don’t catch the plague, surely, (day they?!) so this seems like a mixed metaphor. The description of the effects of the war is weak, IMO. The losses the Ir recounts in her head are light. ‘Nearly lost the restaurant’, ‘economy suffered’: there are three deaths mentioned, and a lost leg. There must have been much, much, much worse, and that is what we need to hear about here, IMO, thousands dying, parts of the city being razed to the ground. To me, this section actually just highlights how lucky Ir has been. “on a stolen boat” – Surely there was no need to steal a boat. Also, the king can requisition a boat, command its helmsman. I don’t see how it’s theft. “how the war might have affected you personally” – P continues to completely disprove Ir’s opinion of her by being totally sensitive and thoughtful. It makes Ir an unreliable narrator, in this case at least. “stupid little sparrow” – I really dislike this. It’s not in the tone of the story at all, IMO. “nice to not have worries beyond survival” – I experienced a crash in my sympathy levels for Ir right here. She’s falling out of character, I think. Where is her determination, that she has demonstrated from the beginning? This thought is unworthy of her, denigrating creatures that don’t have intelligence is not a good look, IMO. I mean, I get the concept, I can see where a thought that like might come from, but I think she might at least reproach or challenge herself after having it. ( * @Snakenaps, I've edited the comment slightly so that they read better, maybe changed the emphasis slightly here and there. Not just a straight cut-and-paste. Sorry!! Although I don't think anything is significantly different.)

Comments (really keen to get my grits in sharpish and do some actual writing this week!!). (page 1) - Great first line, really sets me up for the chapter, someone is striking back, thank goodness. Hurrah! Good first page too. I get a real sense of the hunt, and the 'strange' knife sounds well cool and mysterious. Did we hear about that before on the bridge? (page 2) - "much confusion when they left the fight" - Confused: when who left? What fight in particular? - "catch one of the soldiers in the act" - What act? Unclear. - "creepy crawlies" - excellent. So R. - "the sight of the El" - do they have eyes? (page 3) - "argumentative old lump" - (page 4) - "whatever that was" - yes, so not sight then, I guess. - "they were like sand..." - what were? (page 7) - "as soon as it was created" - Erm, but surely energy can be neither created nor destroyed, per the First Law of Thermodynamics. I know there is the appearance of the El consuming energy, but that's not really the same thing. So, surely R is not thinking about the creation of energy here, but releasing energy? (page 9) - "Was he seeing double?" - No, he's seeing x1.5! - "was that an Ar in a cloak?" - Has r seen an Ar before in its natural form? (page 10) - "When he glanced over again, the soldier was ordinary again, unassuming" - I feel the blocking here is clunky. My default is that all three can see each other, so, the Ar should be able to see the soldier. That doesn't mean "the Ar" (oh, yeah, I know, I know) can see the transformation in the face, might be blocked from that, but R looking back and forth is the clunky bit, I feel. - "look like one of the assassins?" - But he doesn't. Would R really conflate all Ar with all assassins? Hmmmm, maybe? - "as he lost consciousness" - Why? This feels a bit lame to me. Because he hurt his leg? Meh, feels kind of plot / narrative convenient, here at the end of the section. (page 11) - "must only have been out a few seconds" - Bah, this compounds my dissatisfaction. It feel like he only passes out to give a convenient reason for a section break. If he doesn't pass out, the POV is continuous and there's no break. - "Thank yer two" - This feels like cheating. In 'proper' English, he would say 'Thank you, you two.' I don't think he gets to drop a whole word just because it's pigeon. Then again, would he not just say 'Thanks, yer two.'? (page 14) - "encircled the assassin" - What about the spikes and the wet sound? What just happened? Confused. (page 16) - "giving them a chance" - not entirely clear in what sense. (page 17) - "people he thought he had known, people he thought he could not know, and people he thought did not exist" - There are confusing things going on here. I'm not sure this works. My head gets fuzzy trying to work it out so I move on. (page 20) - "They should be used to it, what with them hanging around S all the time" - Oooh, meow! - "feel the silk of scales" - I would not say silkiness was an innate quality of scales. - "to their own form" - Confused. Wouldn't the El respond most quickly to their own form? - "before they first caught on. Then we had to separate and disguise ourselves to keep them from sensing us" - No, I don't understand what they're saying. Caught on to what? Disguise themselves how? This goes back to the point above, and me not understanding the 'quickly' scale. (page 21) I don't understand the last line. I don't think it's clear. OVERALL Good chapter. Action, a little fighting, and a coming together. Several, in fact. I think the tension could be ramped up. It starts well, and I get good flavour of hunting and tension and the chase in the first page, but, as pages go by, it ebbs away and ends up being people standing around talking. I'm interested in what they say, but the tension is gone some time before the end, IMO. Still, that can quite easily be fixed, but this will remain a good solid, forces of light continuing to muster chapter. Nicely done. R's reaction to the twins was fell judged, I thought. Continues to be fun seeing through his eyes, and hearing his internal (and external) banter

Occurs to me now there was an episode of the X-Files about a golem 'haunting' a neighbourhood. Early one, I think... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaddish_(The_X-Files) Okay, not that early Season 4.

@Silk, that was super! Enjoyed that

Oh, man. Can I watch it back somewhere?

Well, I'll certainly bear that in mind. I'm writing two stories presently, a novella that is too long already and only 66.6% finished, I suspect, and a thing that takes the total word count of the two projects up to 25,000 words. So, that will probably be flash fiction at the rate I'm going , but, that second story is going to be in the Q&M world, featuring Q, so I think I might shop that one through here. It's Q&M 2.5, and will be a short story, I'm sure of it. After that, I I'd like to go back to Secret Deceased Equine project, since I feel I can get that into shape for shopping around in a decent amount of time. After that, I will either write Q&M Book 3 (TRR), or go back to the novel I have at Draft 2 in the same world as D/H. Sorry, what was the question? Oh, yes. I would love you to read more of my work too. Your feedback is very helpful, while also being entertaining! Ahem. Yes, it's Sanderson long, but has no magic!! What could go wrong??? LOL. I know you mean geographically, but I'm trying to decide who would be more insulted by this line, Canadians or Mainenites? (Maineans? Mainese?) I have to say this sounds really interesting No. I've tried to do it with a couple of shorts. In fact, wait, I did sort of. I scribbled down an idea and wrote a thousands words in 2002, then came back a wrote a novella out of it in 2009, then edited in 2010. It's the first instalment of a six part supernatural series of which I've also written Part 2 (a novelette) and Part 4 (a novel). They idea is that each part is set in place that I have been and that I like. But this doesn't really count, because I never finished the project initially, so, no, not really I guess I'm disqualified on account of not having done it, really. Err, not really. Excellent . Hope we get to read it sometime.

Hah, ha ha!! So, if I read your subs late this week (here I am on Sunday afternoon... ), I get to read four chapters pretty much right through as I get two more tomorrow!! I trust (page 1) - "with a notch which held his C-shaped ring" - Don't understand: is the ring not on his finger? - "to this iteration" - Which one are they in now? - "I have as much experience with this as you" - LOL. You just can't beat having a straight man...err, being. And that's straight in a comedic sense, of course. (page 3) - "That way lies unknown consequences" - I'm enjoying this chapter a good deal already. Straight away there is danger, the unknown, playing with forces they don't understand while the Dis approaches. Excellent - "to change T and M at once" - but he's not supposed to be doing that, changing T, surely? - "As he altered the music of T" - I thought they agreed he washy supposed to do that? (page 4) - "The crystal" - What crystal? Is this the ring? - "It’s like the N" - What is? - "Be careful" - But before WW was talking about S changing both. (page 5) - "Tell me if I’m changing too much" - I don't see how that is in any way possible, because once the change is made, it will be took late, surely? - "raised two of xyr hands in caution" - This easily could mean 'stop'. How does S know that it doesn't? (page 6) - I feel there would be much more tension is the timescales were counting down. Also, Rule of Three. So, would 'Cycles, months...tendays?' work? (page 7) - "Was it all just a waste of time?" - Good. I like that he's having doubts here. (page 8) - "like fingers on a chalkboard" - Gaaaaaaah! Very effective. (page 9) - I enjoy seeing S getting more confident. It's been a long time coming, LOL, but he is, and we've seen it evolve a long way from his first arrival in the Net all those pages ago. I think this has been very well judged across the books, frustrating as it was in the first drafts. (page 10) - "giving her orders" - pronoun slippage. - "would have told him to stop whining" - Really? I never sensed that her tone was so harsh towards him, as a general rule. - There is something poetic about his thought towards In, and his taste. Well done. Also, for a straight chap like moi, the suggesting of something 'sharp' and different about kissing someone of the same gender resonates very effectively as a general concept. (page 11) - "a brown strata" - strata is plural so this rang odd to me, like 'a brown bands'. (page 12) - "imagining the invading creatures" - Good good: stakes! (page 13) - "The lines...bent around him" - Excellent, I really feel like I'm witnessing him deep in the process, committed to it. (page 14) - "I’m a failure" - For me, this thought it very cold and analytical, where I'm expecting his thoughts to be wild and panicked. I think this is the thought he has an hour later, when the hot emotion has ebbed away into cold failure. Here, it's almost still happening. I think he's too controlled in this moment. (page 16) - Oh, very well done. Surprising yet inevitable, I was not even thinking of WW's ring. Nice emotions here, S reluctance, WW's faith. (page 17) - "The music climbed and grew" - I don't know what this means. Climbed what? Grew how? (page 19) - "split, and tumble" - Again, I don't know what this is. I'm stumbling over these descriptions of what he is actually doing to the music. Also, "generate a new iteration", this sounds like he's creating a 29th iteration, or a 30th, if he did the same the last time. It doesn't feel like they are moving from iteration to iteration, but that they are creating new ones, which seems wrong. - "The manipulations of the N" - Oh, wow. The description of this iteration has a real impact, on numerous senses. Nicely done. - "iteration looked more promising" - I can't remember what they're searching for. Why is this one more promising? (page 20) - "at the other two iterations" - Super confused. There are another 25 iterations, surely? Why two? And which two? Can they only access another two? Like I said, this is confusing, IMO. (page 21) - "the echoes of her claws" - pronoun slippage. - "waggled her head flaps" - and again. (page 22) - "could see white roots within the transparent material" - Awesome. Gardening brain is engaged here - "consistency of a slab of steak" - wow! (page 23) - "thought of AM in several days" - I always struggle with the timescale being as short as it actually is. It feels like a year to me, not a few weeks, just from the progress the S has made psychologically if nothing else. I think 'hadn't thought of AM in a long time' would give the reader some flexibility in that regard, however, I appreciate that might not be something you want to do. (page 25) - "dragging the entire knot of the D toward them" - this is a great analogy. (page 26) - "thrown back to the star projector" - this is very satisfying for someone who has read Book 1. (page 28) - "I wasn’t able to do that before." - he is really stating the obvious here. I guess for readers who don't remember, but it really not worth saying 'out loud' in internal monologue, IMO. - "He would have to talk about it with En and In. Which meant he would need to leave this place soon" - To me, this is way out of pace with the stakes, IMO. His anxiety is totally subservient to tackling the Dis. There is no way he's going to leave this unfinished to go and talk to his friends. I think the emphasis is off here. I can't believe he thinks this 'Oh, I need to stop saving the world and go talk to In and En about my anxiety.' That's what I'm hearing here. OVERALL Good strong chapter at this point. So much more of the stakes that I was missing in earlier chapters, so much more recognition of the impending disaster. That aspect was good, and raised the stakes for everything that happened. The exploration of the two in the HoT was much more dramatic because of the restatement of those stakes at several instances, IMO. There were some really nice character moment for S, and some knock-out phrases and sentences that really chimed for me (pun intended!). I think this is another strong building block as we ramp up to the end of the story. One difficulty, I think, is that we've been away from the El and the Imp, and so we are not seeing the destruction, seeing the stakes in the raw, but I trust that that is coming, and kind of hope that is where we are going next. Even though S is at a critical point, I still think we can spend a chapter away from him after that quite long one. Nice work. Looking forward to tomorrow

I'll also look at this and see if I can add a hesitation, but I'm also more in the "wrap things up" phase than "it doesn't work" phase. Definitely, I agree that a try-fail would be too much here, and a lot of readers might be like 'Really, again?' Just a moment of doubt, and couple of breaths (oh, the old classic 'Did the CPR work? Nope, still dead. No, wait: he/she/they are alive!' Oh!! @Mandamon, I used In-s full name twice in my comments. Many apologies!! I've edited my posts, but it occurs once in one of the quotes in our response. Sorry!

Ooh, I just that 'at' Mandamon this week, complementing him on an excellent example of 'out early' in Chapter 21, I thought. This is a cool idea. I think it works really well. It's a big part of where the first Q---- and M--- novel came from, or certainly Q's character.

Happy anniversary! This is my impression, just from employing people at my company (in the past, no longer!! Woo, hoo!), but also dealing with professionals for 30 years. Ooh, that sounds interesting. I do sometimes continuing typing when I know I've spelled a word wrongly, relying on autocorrect to catch it. I might even 'have a go' at a word im not sure of just to try and get close enough for Word to help me out . All very chucklesome when I know ho to spell these words, but I can imagine the problems of kids not knowing, and not bothering to find out, and then of course getting the wrong word (there vs. their is the first one that springs to mind). Bittersweet. Yes, it's hard to imagine someone being able to keep that level of enthusiasm up for say 10 years without paying a price in the face of institutional indifference (or incapacity due to lack of funding) Same. When I really get immersed in a story, then I can manage to not look at social media for a while, but otherwise, it definitely sucks up a lot of my time. Yup. I mean, I can justify it to myself because I'm connecting with writers, agents, etc. (on Tw-tt-r mostly), but it still sucks up time, and it's not really constructive, because 75% of the Tw--ts seem to be about racism, homophobia or cats (and it's about 65% cats). These are the best kind of stories though. The first novel I published, Power Surge, was something I dreamt up when I was 18 or 19 and it took me ten years to actually get it into a novel. I actually wrote and shelved an unrelated novel before I was able to finish it. Cool. Maybe one day, when I've got time, I'll put my 224,000 word first novel through the group. I figure that would take 45 weeks, although you'd be ready to kill me after 7 or 8 .

I think I'm right in saying that nobody reads the comments before reading the submission. To be fair, I used to point that out myself when I commented, back in my early days, but stopped because I think it's universal. (Someone tell me I'm wrong?) Just thought I could save you some typing each week

Comments, with apologies for the delay: (page 1) - "banged it into her hip" - This innter conflict has played really well in this book. It had never been far away, but not so completely dominant that En has felt like the main character. Nicely judged, I think. (page 2) - "talking with M and K" - probably WRS, but I'm having to stop and try to remember who these are. The Ar leader in the other facet, and...the doctor? - "Fine. Let’s go" - Whose line is this? I don't have everyone's houses memorised (apart from S's), that's too much for me to retain. - "Useful if the Imp was not salvageable" - Good, some big stakes, some recognition of that. She might have shuddered at the thought, but maybe not, since In and En have a refuse in the other facet, so are maybe slightly less invested in the Imp surviving than say, Man. (page 3) - "They were curious about how Ar work together" - so, not actually in support. (page 5) - "an entire organ of bells" - But an organ is made of pipes, surely: mixed metaphor, IMO. - "I believe the Ar will be a valuable addition in fighting" - Kind of weak. The stakes are slipping away again. Maybe 'We have to have the Ar to stand any chance' is a bit strong, but something like 'We will be that much weaker without them', or 'Our chances will be diminished without their aid'. I think Man is entirely capable of putting huge (unfair) pressure on others to do his bidding, for the best of reasons, of course. (page 6) - "They had grown attached to him" - Really? Huh. That seems uncharacteristically soft for most of the voices. (page 7) - "will be back to judge those with concerns" - I don't think she judges them. Surely she adjudicates their concerns? Or something like that. - "she felt a connection already" - I don't remember this before. This feels new to me. And it's not like she has not been in the room with V before, is it? (page 9) - "read through it three times, very carefully" - This feels verging on out of her POV, since she can't really know he reads it three times, surely, or how carefully he is reading it. - "but we are asked by our lost son and daughter" - First time I read this I was thinking is was the Ble who drove them here, for some reason. I think because the Ble are the 'baddies' and the Imp are 'goodies', by implication, although the Ar War is less clear cut. (page 10) - "have asked the question as In had" - He doesn't ask a question, IMO; he basically gives Mat an ultimatum. - "their staff thumping on the floor" - The staff is mentioned three or four times, but it performs no role in the scene, that I can see. I appreciate it is somewhat dramatic at the end of the scene, but - "an eternity...reflection" - awesome line. (page 12) - "at the expense of forgetting who one was" - Great line, but it seems as much or more about forgetting the memories that one has stored (like some of the ancient digital photos one takes, but only remember when one sees them). - "At last In found hazy memories" - I'm not for a minute suggesting bulking out the section, but this feels too easy. Okay, the memories are buried, but he just slogs away and, oh 'at last' he found them, in the course of a page (basically). He doesn't have to solve a puzzle, circumvent a barrier, work and intricate lock or maze of memories. Here at the end of the book, I want more stakes, harder challenges, characters dogged constantly by the chance of failure and losing everything. - "captured like salt...ice" - very nice simile. (page 13) - "He ventured...this direction or that" - Oh, very nice. There are some great lines in this scene, very evocative of the kind of mysterious atmosphere I want to be feeling right here. (page 15) - "and V jerked" - Oh, that was so immediate. Kind of disappointing not to have a moment to wonder if it worked. - "I had full faith in you" - At the end of the chapter here, I don't like this line. It comes over like 'Of, sure, well obviously you were going to succeed; there was never any question.' I feel like it undermines the whole scene, selling us short on any belief that In might not have succeeded. It feels out of character for Mat too, IMO, who is good at accentuating the positive*. I know he's trying to compliment In, but I just had that contra feeling in the same moment. - Nice conclusion: totally qualifies as 'out earlier', IMO, and a strong note to end on. OVERALL Good chapter, I enjoyed it plenty. My gripe is that I don't think the stakes are high enough, not that we need to hear the Imp and ending all over the place, but I don't really feel the chance of failure. It goes too easily, IMO. There's not try-fail: that's okay, I don't think we have time for that, but there is little sense of resistance from Mat, or from the Ar in this facet. Neither is In's search for the memories quite hard enough, IMO. Okay, it took him 2 days, but as we experienced it, was quite easy, per my comment above. Nice work. The forces of light are mustering! (* Cue for a song, @Silk, that would be my request for your next live performance, but suspect it wouldn't work without the vocal, and I'm pretty sure you can't play the trombone and sing at the same time!)

My experience in the UK nowadays is limited to hearing my two friends who are teachers talking about such things, but I'm pretty confident things in the UK, generally speaking, are similar, certainly in a lot of schools where socio-economic factors are such that many of the kids probably don't get much motivation at home. No one would blame you. I have another friend who is a trained accountant, went from their to teaching Maths, but had to give that up for health reasons (the stress was destroying him). He is now a postman, and very happy with that. So that's like 9/10-year old? Wow. I mean, wow. Absolutely. The scary thing I notice now is that I am less focused. I find it really hard to sit a write for an hour without looking up. I can do it, but it takes effort. It is absolutely and without any doubt social media that does this. I can completely convinced. Eyes flicking back to the screen, back to the screen, back to the screen each time a reply comes in on F-book, Tw-tter, Dis-ord, Insta--am, email, etc. So, kids have no chance, I am not even a gamer anymore, which is another level of distraction, I suppose. I'd go 10% system; 60% parenting; 30% state of society/the world, personally. You make a good point there. I remember WE making the comment that, sometimes, one is just not a good enough writer (read experienced enough) to write that book that one is trying to write. For what it's worth: 6 novels; 2 novellas; 2 novelettes; and 11 short stories, totalling 900,000 words. That's not the issue though. It's the other 400,000 words of projects that are in progress / shelved This is a solid strategy. For what it is worth, based on what I've read of Name so far, I will read anything that you write Side project!! Sounds like novella / novelette time to me

Yes. 'Fortunately', I have a terrible memory, so I am forever checking on the meaning of words and basic facts that I am 'sure' I know. I think I learned this over many years of being stung (don't know if it was 1% of the time, Aero: I never counted ). I think we can all agree that you now have to legally change your actual real-life name to "Ms. Snakenaps". I think we should give ourselves a break in respect of where we are in the writing spectrum (and boy, is that a spectrum). A professional author, who is commissioned by a big publishing house to write fiction that is based on a particular period, place or person, sometimes does (I am positive) a massive amount of reach to get them to the place they need to be to write that book. For some reason the book that comes to mind is Hillary Mantel's Wolf Hall based on Thomas Cromwell, but just as an example. I presume she must have done a massive amount of research to write such a long and detailed book (trilogy) about the life of an actual historical figure. Some authors, serious heavyweights in literature, will I think do months of research on a subject in order to be convincing and right. Of course it's a matter of balance in terms of how central and important the detail is to your story. Taking your example, Ms. @Snakenaps, you could have written that book, but you might have needed--I dunno--two solid months of research, talking to sensitivity readers, practicing members of that religion willing to open up, experts or other authors in the field.

LOL Yep, hard agree. I believe the problem here is the general state of editing (and proofreading?), BUT, I think you can spin that back to the state of higher education of English, and probably creative writing. There is a glut of fiction the like of which has never been known, all due to the IT revolution and the ability of any individual now (in the fortunate position to be able to afford a personal computer of some sort) to write a book. This results in a significant increase in the number of publishers trying to make a buck, and therefore a proportional increase (I guess) in the numbers of editors, agents, etc. The problem is I believe that quality and skill takes a hit in that situation. Furthermore, even in my experience--and I was in what you would call grade school (I think) in the 70's, the teaching of the mechanics of our language, the grammar and word-smithing skills that drove me to start this thread, were winding down. Now, I think, the massive load and pressures on teachers tend to make it impossible for them to correct grammar in school work, or maybe they are actively directed not to bother with it, because of spellcheckers, etc. The end result, I think, is a glut of graduates whose word skills, whose vocabulary, whose understanding of text, statistically, are poorer than the previous generation, and that tends to compound. Presumably this will bottom out, but I think we end up because of the volume of writing that is being produced and published with an industry that ends up employing many people who are presumed to be able to do the job of editor, but don't have word skills, or the time, or the commitment, or their employer (or the author?) does not put the resources into alpha and beta reading to good, committed readers, and the quality of the publishing process suffers. We've discussed her before what happens in small publishing houses (of which @kais, @Mandamon and @shatteredsmooth have direct experience of being published), but to read your point Snakenaps, well, it's very disappointing indeed, and I totally agree.

No, no. It really wasn't painful at all. I just wanted to flag that there was 'stuff'. I've read much worse from folks who where trying to produce submittable work*!! I once read an ARC from some guy in answering a request on Reddit, and it was...there were issues, loads of them, and he was like 'Oh, hah, yes, I suppose so.' And I'm like, 'Hey, you were going to (self) publish that, like next week. I mean, really?' Anyway, not painful, not. (*Disclaimer: this comment may or may not apply to anyone or no one who is currently, was ever or never was a member of Reading Excuses.)

<sigh> It's certainly a lot clearer when I read your post properly I retract my misdirect remark.

LOL Also, 'fewer dead witches'

Follow-up: Some more comments, after reading the other comments. Excellent, as always. I feel like I dropped the ball here. There was a nagging sensation of something digging at me, but I will admit that the smooth style carried me along, possibly past things that I should have commented on. So, word of warning, I am now digging in specifically looking for markers and--when one does that--I think there are several. 'Helen' I almost commented on the description of H, but, in not commenting, I sensed the Kais would pick this one up. Reading the piece again, I would say it's not just about the fact that everyone's hair is described--or at least everyone gets some physical description, which is true--but as kais says, H is only described in terms of physical aspects that are considered 'measures' of beauty or attractiveness. Viz: her seductive smile; running fingers through long, black hair; her hand on his bare arm (implies physical attraction, or why mention that his arm is bare?); the fact that her eyes 'distracted' him (again, physical attraction implied, strongly); and, she links her arm with his (again tending to imply physical attraction on her part, especially with the body language that has gone before). What we are not told, but should be IMO, is what her role is, why is she important? Another factor is that she seems subservient to him in numerous ways, either in her own eyes, or in his opinion: emotionally (she's afraid she has upset him); intellectually (he tells her she doesn't understand, and later, she drops her objections to his course of action very quickly); authoritatively (she is very eager to help him); protectively (he tells her he killed their children, and she tries to rationalise it for him, excusing his 'terrible' actions); compliantly (she is angry with him for not destroying the creature, but, when he decides he won't do it, she immediately drops her objection to fall in with his completely contrary position). It's not that you can't write a character this way, but it is going to hit various triggers that are likely to be distasteful to a significant proportion of your readership. Also, I feel there is a difference between calling out her being his subordinate, and recognising in the narrative that she is doing these things, an doing it silently, or even unconsciously. Lu I... also don't understand this criticism. She's a student assistant. Who feels bad about letting a giant platypus into the room (now there's a sentence I didn't think I'd ever write). Then, when there is a true emergency, she becomes much more efficient than the male protagonist. Once more - I welcome further explanation! Similarly, reading the piece again, there are some similar triggers. A - When she appears at first, she is very subservient to him, repeatedly apologising. Okay, she is his assistant, but it's worth asking if there was an automatic presumption that she would be female. There's no reason that this character could not be male. Not in this section at least. B - She's portrayed as being disorganised or a bit thoughtless for not tying the creature up. And yet, when the chapter goes on, she is the one who takes charge. Why then would she be so forgetful in the first instance, when she seems very capable in everything else that she does? C - 'Her hair is long and dark.' - Yes, his hair is described too, BUT, its very well known that such standards are not equal for men and women in the workplace. Men's hair will tend to be judged on a scale of how silly it looks, whether jokes can be made about baldness, thinning, etc. whereas a woman's hair will be (tend to be) judged on a scale of attractiveness. In life, in many environments, there is no equality in this, and most other aspects of appearance. D - 'She seemed calmer now' - Here, in the middle of a minor(?) crisis, At is judging her. Why does he not think about his own calmness, or lack of it? He equally might have thought, she was quick to take control of the situation. That would imply capability, resourcefulness, decisiveness, but instead the first thing he seems to think about is where she lies of a scale of emotional upset. E - Lu arrived at his office the next day, the tris------ favour.' This can be read as saying that Lu was bestowed upon him like a gift, like a possession, by this 'tris' (we don't know what that is). That is not a good look. F - 'inwardly cursing Lu's tongue' - At has been really pretty mild-mannered through the whole piece, but his feelings here are very strong, and he's cursing Lu's interjection. That's a very strong reaction. And yet, when he think about his own contribution, which is that he has been lax about getting the platypus's venom pulled, there is not self-criticism. Also, his phrasing: cursing her words would be one thing, but he curses a physical part of her, which seems more personal. It's one thing getting a 'tongue lashing', which is a phrase associated with words and tone, but here, as I read it again with these thoughts in mind, it feels like he is cursing her for being careless and unthinking, and tends to sound like she is always doing this. G - "The man would probably curse her" - Why should Ha curse her, and not At? Also, At seems to send Lu to escort Ha knowing that Ha will curse her, but not caring. Conclusion I think this is unconscious, but there is a general effect in relation to how both of the female characters are treated, as @kais has raised, that is worth examining. This is a particular sensitivity area for this group, as are matters of gender, sexuality and race. I made a comment about there being no particular reason for Lu to be female. What I was not implying was that Lu or He should be male characters to avoid difficulty, but a more general point about why a character is assigned a particular gender. Is there a default happening and why? It's a question worth asking oneself. Just as general background, when I came to this group seven years ago, I had entrenched defaults in me in terms of gender roles, male gaze and character sexuality, which--in the first few years of being here--were roundly challenged, and I have moved on considerably (I hope), and developed a lot (*not there yet, never there yet--true enlightenment seems always just out of reach). What I have learned, for what it is worth, is to try (it's not automatic, not for me anyway) to challenge my defaults at the very first stage of writing. Why is the MC male, or female, or white, or straight? And this applies to all characters. Is it because I imagine a romantic relationship between certain characters in the story, or the possibility of it? If I do, why is it M/F, why not M/M, or F/F, or maybe there is a non-binary character in a prominent role? (That is an area I have not yet stepped into, but I want to try, and could not have better sensitivity readers (I hope!! ), if I do at some point.) If we don't challenge our defaults, as writers, our work is going to be much more bland because of it, and likely to exclude a significant proportion of readership, especially in genre fiction, and especially now, when the SFF community is getting better at embracing its own diversity (not there yet...etc., see above*). One of the ways to underline this point, I think, is to look at the trends in SFF and review the nominated works at the major awards: the Hugos, the Nebulas, BSFA, BFS, World Fantasy, and look at the breakdown of M/F authors, but also M/F characters, LGBTQI+ representation, etc. Seven years ago, I would have said I have almost no experience in my life of diversity issues, but I have learned that (IMO), as writers, we owe it to our craft, our work and our readers to expose ourselves to the diversity in SFF, and to learn about things which we know nothing about, to expand our awareness to the point that we can represent society and explore what society is, in all its diverse aspects. You have been watching 'Robinski rants about..., Season 3, Episode 9'. Sorry to go on at such length but, changed as I am over these past years, I tend to be a bit overeager to discuss these matters. I hope this is helpful in some way. Others here are far better placed to analyse these subjects than I am, and I will forever be indebted to those who have helped me stumble around on the wrong side of a wall of my own construction. I hope they will forgive me for 'rambling on' about this. p.s. I just wanted to stress that my overall reaction was positive, and I think the story has great potential. If you think there is a point here on this matter, I think it can quite easily be addressed without changing the path of the story. p.p.s. A point that I totally sidelined, but again others have raised, is clarity. This is my biggest current problem, not being clear, hinting at things instead of just coming out and giving the reader the information. I like mystery, but if the reader doesn't understand then there is not point. I'm trying to be much better at just giving the reader the information, revealing it. If nothing else, I think at the start of the story it is more likely to engage the reader better.

Hi again, Dwarfy One, Really interested to reader your first submission. (page 1) - The...frontpiece(?), is interesting. I find it intriguing. There are parts that are little hard to figure, and I feel there are typos, but Im not sure what they are. Still, you have my attention. "nest in its thick coat of vegetation" - The main source of my puzzlement is the spk itself. I thought it was in the form of energy, so I'm puzzled as to how it can have a coat of vegetation. I think this first page, therefore, can be clearer and smoother, but it is interesting, and encourages me to read on. I feel a world in the names, and the titles of things. (page 2) - Interesting. I get a decent, clear impression of what is going on, without getting all the facts: that's good, draws me in. When the building blew up, I expected some noise to come with it (I felt that something exploded). Also, smell plays a strong part where fire is concerned. More senses in the description (just a smidge, doesn't need to be a lot) could really boost the impression of the scene, IMO. (page 3) - "They crossed the...lawn" - Oh, I thought they were inside, for some reason. I think because of the balustrade (which of course could be outside, but I imagined a balcony), but more so the fact that he heard her dress swishing, which I'm not sure he would outside. Then again, high out and away from the bulk of the noise, so maybe. - "into the ruins of the king’s palace" - Confused. The earlier description said the tower stood out, and was much higher than everything else (implied), but they walk straight from the peak of the tower into the ruins of the palace. This contradicts the earlier description, IMO. - "Tell me...creature" - I liked the earlier reference to 'them going too far' (or words to that effect), and now this. I'm definitely nervous of the creature now, starting to imagine how terrible it is. - "Who knows..." - I like her tone, she definitely has some promise as a character, and it's almost always compelling, IMO, when you show through dialogue that one character knows another well. He is a bit more of a blank, I think, although to be fair I do get remorse and guilt from him. (page 4) - "Fine then!" - He actually comes over a bit childish in this part of the conversation. She exerts authority, and he is the one who responds with petulance. I think he changes his mind too soon here, which doesn't help my impression of him. - "figured the city would surrender after" - Oh, I was figuring this was his tower and, if not the king, he was the king's advisor. (page 5) - "I like it" - Oh, my impression was that she disapproved. This feels like a vault face in her position, without any real justification for it. Felt clunky to me. - "refugees throughout the city cringed downwards" - POV issue, IMO. I felt we were in a tight 3rd person on him, but this is not in his POV, clearly. - "Trembling the ground beneath their feet" - grammar: I'm seeing this a lot lately, and maybe I should take this to the Craft Nook [Edit: I have done], but I believe that 'tremble' is a passive verb, in the sense that it is a reaction that happens to someone or something else as a result of an initial action by a third party. Example #1: the creature causes the ground to tremble by stomping on it. So, 'trembling the ground' misses out a whole step of what it is the creature does that makes the ground tremble: it's a shortcut, and it misses out that inciting action. As a result, I think it makes the description less compelling, less involving than it should be. Example #2: a person trembles because they are weak from malnutrition. The malnutrition does not 'tremble the person. I'm pasting this into Craft Nook in case anyone wants to discuss this point. It's not personal, please do not take it that way, I've read at least two other examples of this in recent subs. I guess third time's charm!! THOUGHTS SO FAR So, after the frontpiece and the prologue, I'm interested without being swept away. It's a fairly novel thought that the people of the city built the creature. I did not get that immediately, I suppose because I was thinking that wizards or whatever had built it. I thought the creature was attacking the city, for some reason. I think a bit of clarity around that point would help. Maybe it was me not reading carefully enough. As an opening, it's fine. I've read the like before, destruction of a city at the opening to a story, but I thought the style was solid and the narrative flowed well. Pretty good sense of character for these two, which is always the most important thing for me, so that bodes reasonably well. Although, as a prologue, I appreciate that we may not get to see them again. (page 6) - I get a very clear sense of what the stakes are for At, which is really good at the start. I can identify with him straight away. It helps that it sounds a bit like he's an engineer, or related profession, so I can identify with that too, as a fellow engineer. And there is a time factor, good for pacing. - Lots of nice little grace notes in the description of things, and people. I get a nice, clear physical image of H straight away, and also of his mood from various little cues without heavy description. I'm warming quickly to the story proper. I am pleased about this! (page 7) - "You know what I meant" - I was just a touch uncertain about who was asking for the info, and who was giving it, but I think that was just me not paying attention. This line, however, is not clear, I think. because it can be read as both an endorsement of At (Yes, clearly, you know what I mean), or a repudiation (No, you know what I mean, but are not answering the question.) - Confused: how is At writing a foreword and break for Ha? I feel this is a non sequitur. - Also, I'm high alert here for maid-and-butler dialogue. The history At describes seems pretty general. I'm wondering why Ha doesn't know it. BUT, of course maybe he does, as his statement implies, and it's At being kind of deliberately dense. - "I suppose I would" - LOL. Again, there is very nice subtlety of character shown in very few words. I think this is well done. (page 8) - "Keep your office door open" - I wouldn't mind a little bit of setting. I'm not sure if At is in a private office in some commercial building, or if he is at a university, or other place of learning, and institution of some kind, him being a scholar. Unless I've missed a reference, of course. - "he said to the younger man" - Not sure who is spreading here. It sounds like Ha, from the words, but I think there is a POV slip, since we are in At's POV, I think. Also, not sure which is the younger man, so that doesn't assist. (page 9) - Minor point, but there are close instances of word repetition from time to time. Here, Ha gasps then, seconds later, Lu gasps. - "She seemed...emergency" - I shouldn't bother highlighting these now, but again I think you've done a good job in bringing our character in very few words. It feels sort of akin to Dan Wells approach to detail and world-buildling, to explain one thing in great detail in order to convince the reader of the depth of background that is there. I feel this is working similarly in terms of character. (page 10) - "towards the stone" - I forget what the stone is. Did I know this? - Whats a 'hag--'? - "We don’t know what it will do" - What is 'it' in this context? Getting confused around here. - "the tris------" - What is this? A person; a race of people; a position within an organisation? (page 11) - "He investigated any edge" - I'm all at sea. Any edge of what? Confused. - "knew better than to betray the tris------" - I don't really feel the stakes here, because I don't know what the tr------ is, so I'm not sure I care whether he betrays it or not. - "pre-Still---" - Another thing that I don't understand, because I don't know what it is. One on top of another starts to get frustrating. (page 12) - Close repetition of 'the man'. - I feel that there is a quite a bit of additional information at the end of the chapter: desert folk; orthodox; tribesmen; still---; and curses (which I took as literal here, as opposed to just cussing. - "even desert tribesmen respected him for that" - Since they tore him to pieces, apparently, this should be past tense, I think. (page 13) - Still don't know what the tris------ is. - I like the ending. A list Its woes and then an understated line like that, in a 'things can only get worse' kind of thing. OVERALL - Very good. I enjoyed this. A few issues of a minor nature, but I'm onboard, and interested to see how things develop. Good job, especially on character, I though. Maybe some background matters that could do with just a little more fleshing out. Smooth read too. I had few complaints about language and grammar

I certainly completely understood the reference, and there is excellent precedent for cats in SF (Heinlein again, The Cat Who Walked Through Walls, Friday, etc.). I think the problem is that there is nothing really to day that the title of the chapter is not to be taken literally, and then the narrator comes right out and says that Sh is the ship's cat. At the start of the story, IMO, the reader is looking for facts to hold onto and anchor them in the story, so they are going to take what it told them literally, even though the narrators then uses the phrase ships human. I believe that, in Space Opera, the tech does not need to be accurately, it just needs to be convincing. This is not Hard SF: I strongly presume that is not where the story is heading. I really don't see any need for the tech or the physics to be realistic, just convincing enough, no more. I vote for incongruous juxtaposition

Hi Sarah! Pleased to be reading more of your writing, and also pleased to see a Writing Excuses exercise up here. I always thought there would be more, and more crossover with our neighbouring thread, but there you go. As requested, no detailed critique (which for me, is like saying read this out loud, but not in English ). 1. What tone and type of story are you expecting? A - I'm thinking that either there is life after death, or the narrator is unreliable, since they seem to be narrating from the grave, as it were. B - There are a bunch of different (alien) races on the ship, which hints strongly at Space Opera. E/F - Politics, alien races, interstellar travel and trade agreements = Space Opera, but that does not particularly say anything about the tone of the story. I'm still not sure about that, not sure whether there is a supernatural element at all, or it it is only the narrator being unreliable and oblique. G - I think this (see below) puts down a strong tone marker, and I really hope that's where we are with this story. It could be a bit more apparent from the start. I can sort of see it on reflection looking back, but I think it could be brought out more. H - black humour. 2. What elements would you expect to see? A - Transmogrification (see what I did there?), since Sh seems to have been a cat before being a person. A - There seems to be some kind of supernatural element, if the narrator can see She life spread out for them. C - After two pages, given that they are on a ship being transported to somewhere, I would expect them to arrive, or something to go wrong that prevents them arriving. But from the mention of Sh and the narrator being partnered for some time, I would expect that they must arrive somewhere. I don't know. It's not completely clear. The whole story could be told on the ship, it depends what the inciting incident is. D - The fact that this has come so near the beginning tends to confirm to me that the ship itself is not really significant in the overall story, because it is not named, and there is not description of the crew sand their exploits. There's no feeling that the ship or its crew is important. This in turn confirms my point at 2C, above, that this is a longer story, and will largely take place elsewhere, and this an introduction of character, not of setting. H - black humour. 3. What big moment/climax would you anticipate, based on the first chapter? A - I mean, it could be the death of the narrator, but they say that they and Sh were partnered for some time, so, maybe not. I think it's too early to say what the big moment might be, but the narrator death is the only implied / expected event mentioned so far. I - I don't know. I see no indication of what the arc of the story will be. Is Sh going to be a fugitive? I guess it could be that from the wristband, but I'm guessing. Comments So, as well as answering the questions, I have to post my reactions, as those will play into the questions, of course. I'm coding my reactions with a letter, is you can see at which point each comments arose. So, A is after the first paragraph, etc. A - (first paragraph) - Very nicely written, nice flow, contours interesting ideas eloquently. No setting, or description, but that's okay at this point. Definitely intrigued. B - (page 1) - So, now we're in Sh POV, and they're not a cat, but a human, the only human, it seems? I would put a break in after the first paragraph, as there is a change of voice. its quite disorienting to switch from the narrator POV to She POV without a clear marker, I thought. Although, I suppose it could be omnipotent, and the narrator just knows Sh's emotion and thoughts. It's a bit disorienting, IMO. C - (page 2) - I'm going to have to make some comments where things get in the way of my understanding (thus impending me from answering the questions). "security deterrent" - I don't know what this is. It sounds like something that deters security, but that doesn't seem right. "The human gasped" - See, this is where I think I'm in the narrator's POV, although I thought I was in Sh's before. Not quite got a handle on the voice yet. D - (pages 3 and 4) - Good action and threat here. E - (page 5) - Confusion again: "walked towards his own crewmates" - You mention invaders, but I still found it hard to get a grasp of what is going on. There's very little tension in this scene if these are pirates who have come aboard. Why was there not shooting? They are already subdued? They must be rubbish pirates if they just walked on into the guns of the crew and laid down their weapons. Despite my confusion, this does nail down the Space Opera vibe. There is mention of more races / types / kinds. Not particularly clear to me, but clearly not human. So, this point doesn't feed into expectations above, it kind of gets in the way of them, IMO. F - (page 6) - "you can’t expect them to understand Politics" - LOL . (page 7) - There are lots of nice details and phrases that make this a pleasure to read, and I would certainly read more of it. I'm restraining myself admirably from comment on various grammar and formatting points, as requested G - (page 8) - "tore him in half" - . "learned two things very quickly" - Ah, now then. This passage displays a comedic tone, but laced with tragedy and a degree of farce that gives this passage (not so much what has gone before) a strong flavour of some classic Space Opera, maybe even a smattering of Heinlein, a dash of Vance, a spattering of Niven. Don't get too excited ( ), but it's that come-tragic way of delivering horrendous events with tongue-in-cheek that is a classic hallmark of some of the great SF of the past. Scalzi's good at this too. H - (page 9) - "hard to argue innocence...entrails" - Oh, this is so funny. Well done! I laughed out loud for a good thirty seconds. This is a very strong and important element of Space Opera, IMO. I know you don't need it, and Hard SF / Hard Space Opera (?) probably would not have this kind of humour in it (apart maybe from one character's dialogue), I really like Space Opera that does take this approach. (page 9) - "first contact" - I got not sense from the scene that this was first contact. This is a transport ship, I didn't get any sense that this was exploration. In fact, its explicitly stated that it is not, because these are established trade routes, I understand. I - (the end) - OVERALL COMMENTS Very good, and I'm keen to read more of this. I must repeat though, I got no sense at all of what the big climax would be, unless it is the moment of the narrators death, BUT, since the narrator is telling the story from 'beyond the grave', I'm not really sure that is it, and, in itself, the death of one character would not seem particularly of a scale that would fit with Space Opera.