Robinski

Well, I might have a new short in a couple of weeks that might have M-th in it, and it might be up here for comments, maybe. I love this!

This is a Sanderson thing, isn't it? I never got that. I've only read the first four Mistborn books; that's it. ell, the last three Wheel of Time books too. Sure, I've got more on my shelf, but Sanderson is not may favourite author, so they tend to get pushed down the list. Love all the sketches. I wonder why Ir angry is my favourite. And, Dwarfy, the expression of the guy second from the left is really subtle, kind of forlorn. Nice job. I've dabbled very, very slightly with sketching. Did a half decent one of my daughter. My mum is an artist, but I never had the patience.

Probably not the song by Canadian rock legends, Rush, either (inspired by Coleridge, I'm sure). Maybe the Olivia Newton John album.

That's a great picture, @TheDwarfyOne.

You say that like it's a bad thing! Ah... They definitely could. That's definitely no a crime. I wonder if epilogues are a bit overdone, certainly in the fantasy genre. I don't think this book (or trilogy) would suffer by to having a epilogue, because the 'last chapter' does a really good job of wrapping things up. There is a scene about this a few chapters back. I'll see if it goes better there or at the end. Yeah. I thought it was revealed earlier. The thought emerged here, somewhat after the fact. Wow, was the parent scene that long ago. I do believe I would totally have accepted some kind of weird scenario where the voice turned out to be S's dad, and his parents had created the Net, but that's just my twisted fever dream.

Always.

If you had a snake in your fridge, it'd be dead by now. They can feast for a ridiculously long time, but most species die from dehydration after just a few days. Oooh!!! This got me remembering! Christ Church in Dublin have this mummified cat and rat. The cat chased the rat down an organ pipe, and they died and naturally mummified in the pipe. You probably don't have mummies in your fridge. Yeah, I was joking (I'm sure I was), but that is a great mummy story!!

Not everyone is so enlightened Totally understand. In that case, I'd like the first scene to word harder to engage me, excite me, enthral me. Totally fair comment. A pity, I like the dynamics, the blocking, the appearance, the mood of that scene. There was loads of conflict, character flaws, all that good stuff. I'd like more of that in the new prologue. I think this is a textbook example of low-hanging fruit. Definition can be found on the Writing Excuses website (I think), if you need it. I can expand, if that's helpful. Ah, see, if you had confirmed that for me, I would not have commented at all, but since I didn't know that, it stood out for me.

Didn't really intend this to be a mystery. Was it clear after you finished that this was a transmission from the ship entering the breach? I've just read it again: - "scores" - This puzzled me a bit. On second reading, does it mean musical scores? I thought it meant mathematical scores, as in the readouts, the levels (of something), the scanner results. - "I'm going farther in" - The word 'I'm', I guess, alludes to the rocket being a single-seater? I didn't take that the first time. All those consoles, but only one operator? Does that mean that the pilot of the rocket is the voice? I don't think I got that. Please bear in mind that I am not good at inferring (the correct things) from prose. The wrongs, sure, all day long. I mean yes, but would sort of break the same/different duality built between E and I for the last two books... I retract this comment. I've read the passage again and have come to the conclusion that I was talking a load of old ballhooks. Fair enough. Can change. Just my opinion, of course. Other, less 'violently' demonstrative, opinions are available Hmmm...intentionally didn't go into this any more for fear of cans of worms... Might just need to take it out. Oh, oh! I really like the line, I just wanted a more powerful reaction in S. He's spent two books exploring the three-limbed species of another facet, and now here are dozens, hundreds of other facets, with maybe thousands of new species. I don't think that's can-of-worms (although undoubtedly there will be a worm facet, I'm sure of it ). I just thought it would have been nice to have one more sentence where S imagined going to another facet, and another, and another, uniting them for the greater good. (Murmurs 'The Greater Good'). So, there are rings and diads. The rings we've heard a lot about, as control devices for the HoT. I'm not thinking of them as anything other than that. The Diads? Well, I've sen what they can do, but I'm not sure what they are controlling. The are stores for memory. Is there a House of Memory, a House of Data? (Ooh! When are you starting the next trilogy?). Yes? So, the rocket plunged into the gap between universes, and the control room ended up away down at the root, and the engine broke off, I guess, and remained 'at the surface', so to speak? As in the vibration is damped so it's not as destructive. Might need to expand this section. My feeling is that, if you put a tuning fork in a vice, it stops vibrating, straight away. unless you don't tighten the vice, in which case it'll just keep vibrating. A vice is not a device that allows for a great deal of fine tuning, IMO. Surely, a devices that dampen things tend to have soft, flexible surfaces. Not metal hard surface, like a vice. Yeah, I don't think I was ever completely sold on the 'shaking the tree metaphor'. Now, I've certainly seen shows or movies that have epilogues, then return to events before those epilogues. I feel like I've read books in that vein too. but I take your point, if you show S and In and En 5 years from now, it's limiting. I dunno. If you called the epilogue Chapter 26, you could have an actual epilogue of Ori and Ri on some alien planet. Or, or, or, or, or, or, or...Ori and Ri would be just the folks to journey to one of more of those many, many other facets and feet all the species with six limbs, or two heads, or whatever. My point being, you can do a throwaway scene that you can 'deny' or brush over later than has no real impact on future books (maybe not this prospective one, because clearly I don't know where future books go. (Random thought*.) Sure. I think I would have been entirely satisfied with a moment with Man standing in front of S (or WW) when they tell him about the HoM, and Man's mouth dropping open, and him going 'The House of What?!'. Oh, so different from SoTH, and the Assembly, and the Council? I didn't get that, because, I'm pretty sure that he said earlier that he saw the SoTH replacing the Council (and the Assembly?). Yes, definitely. It will allow me to recant where I have talked a lot of noise, if nothing else. * - There was a scene before (maybe in Facets?) when S ends up on a beach and 'sees' his parents, or there is the implication that he's seeing his parents, or recounting a scene from his childhood, revisiting a location, maybe. I really, really thought that was a promise to the reader that S's parents were going to end up being involved, and that maybe S's dad was the voice, somehow. Am I mad, did that scene happen? I'm sure it did!! ** - 'buckle great rocket' should read 'muckle great rocket'. (It's Scots.)

OMG! Glad he's back where he belongs. Our fridge make loads of weird (and extremely annoying) noises, like constantly. I'm kind of hesitant to pull it out from the wall now...

Yes, this. @Sarah B says it better than my rambling. He didn't, though? If you're referring to the conversation with the two young uns. He didn't spill, Master H did. Though now that I think about it, the conversation with old drunky should show that he was desperate enough for info that he risked spilling state secrets in public. My problem is that fact that he sits down with them at all. What I meant to finish with in my detailed comments is that I feel the choices here, in this version, are not based in character or setting, I think they are based in plot, which I feel is a problem. Seriously, research this. I'm not convinced iron is reflective as worked without being alloyed or treated to make steel. I have not done exhaustive research on this, but all the images I can find of iron weapons (as opposed to steel) are black. I'll say again, I'm kind of disappointed you completely chucked out the two scenes that you started with. Surely, those are the scenes you wanted to write. That is how you wanted the story to start. There were ways to fix the issues with those scenes without losing the scenes. The scenes that we now have, a fight scene and a tavern scene, are much more fantasy generic, and I think less interesting because of that. Okay, so since this is 'a wonderfully brutal writing group'TM, if I picked up the book in a store and read the first version of this story (with the issues address), I might well buy it. Reading this version, I wouldn't. Sorry!

Hey, glad to read this again. (page 1) - POV issue: (unless you're going for 3rd Omnipotent?) We get Pet’s feelings, then we’re in I’s head. Pet is described as ‘the b----lord’, which again I think is outside his POV, although we seem to be in his head. - “which made it unpopular” – What? The people, the magic, the god? Specificity is important for clarity. - I thought that they were guarding the crevasse, since I had been raided, but in fact they are pursuing? Not as I excepted, but okay. - First page reaction: Quite a lot of exposition at the beginning. I can see it’s important to establish something of the nature of the world at the character, might. Some of sounds a bit unnatural to me, and probably could be fed in more slowly. Some of worked fine though, I thought. I've got a clear idea of what is going on in the immediate situation though, so that's good. (page 2) - "Without pausing, Pet irradiated." - If he doesn't pause, why do we need to be told that? I heard some good writing advice on a podcast which was, 'Don't described what doesn't happen, or is not there, it is always going to be less compelling that writing what does happen.' - "The material, though rare, was highly prized" - I get what you mean, but the phrasing is kind of counterintuitive, to me. If something is rare, it usually is highly prized, so 'though' sounds weird here, IMO. - Iron swords: so, I thought iron blades were black or dark. Now a steel blade would reflect light all day long, but I'm not sure an iron one would. I'm not expert, but I have a feeling. - "bowmen appeared along the lip of the crevasse" - This sounded quite casual to me. What are they doing, are they firing, or just standing there? - "He was not cold" - I sense this is meant ironically, but I'm not sure I've got a clear picture of what he did. Something with the sun, but did it actually make him warm? - Second page reaction: Okay, there's some fighting. I don't even feel any threat from the tribesmen. I see exactly one of them, and there's not real description, so I feel no threat. I mean, one guy? Is there any reason that Pet is not faced by a hundred ravening seven foot tall raiders, or even a dozen, and manages to vanquish them? I'm rather underwhelmed. He managed to cut one guy after flashing the sun in his eye. Didn't even kill him. (page 3) - "A second group of melee fighters" - I have never heard this term. Surely, they are just fighters, soldiers, militia men, infantry. - "Not bad, glint" - So, he's using glint like a nickname for Pet? Or like a general term, in the way one might say 'Not bad, mage'? - "They seemed confused. Scared, even" - Confused. Why is this news to anyone? Have they not employed the talents of a glint (like this?) before? Ahhhh, it's a slang term. It's fine. Nothing wrong here, I have an explanation in good time. - "stroked his hilt" - Err, what now? I don't know how to read this gesture other than a in a phallic sense. - "blinked at the sudden question" - I feel that it is not the fact that the question is sudden that catches him off guard, but that it's the nature, the content of the question that is surprising, unexpected. - "Anything which prevents raids" - stakes. This sounds like it makes sense to do anything that prevents greenfly on roses. I don't get an sense that this matters to Pet at all. My expectation is for a line like 'Flushing out these scum makes as much sense for me as it does for you. These raids are a thorn in my side." Etc.etc. Just more engagement from Pet with the situation. Does it really matter so little to him? If it's a misdirection, I'm not quite reading it. (page 4) - Prologue reaction: First off, I enjoyed the previous prologue more. It had grandeur, scale, more interesting characters. It had big stakes: a city dying, burning; a massive creature made by misguided wizards(?)/scientists(?). It had a female character, who could quite easily have been 'adjusted' to have more agency. It had more interesting and engaging dialogue (not in style, but in subject, IMO). This prologue, there is some interesting stuff in relation to magic, but there is no sense of scale, or threat (really). The enemy is pathetically weak, and there is not sense of great stakes. I've got to say I think the scene feels clunky and a bit fantasy formulaic. There's nothing surprising, but most importantly, I don't really feel that interested in the characters, and not being engaged with them, I don't really care what happens to them. The characters in the first prologue had flaws, had multiple dimensions, I felt, and reacted to the scene, the events, emotionally, which I don't really get here. Are these characters in the story, or do these events happen much earlier? This reads to me rather like a chapter, looking at low-level events that seem unlikely to echo through history. (page 5) - Yeah, you see these events follow on directly from the prologue, it seems to me. They do appear not to be separated from the prologue in time or distance, and anything else. I think, from what I recall reading and learning from WE, and what I have come to accept as being completely reasonable, a prologue is for telling the reader about something that cannot be shown reasonably in a standard chapter, timeline, POV, etc. I think it's a chapter, personally, but each, the more I critique the less sure about some of my comments I become. (page 6) - "Old Pet had other ideas" - Yes, see this follow straight from the first part. (page 8) - Are's language is very formal. In this setting of a bar, and since he's presumably had a few, I would think it would sound more natural if he used more contractions in his speech. 'She is always like that', 'She will buy...' and 'Our table is right here.' - Clearly, I am not say this is wrong!! it is what it is. If you intend that this young man is very formal, uptight and well-educated then fair enough. In that case, it might assist to have At think of him that way, to show it's deliberate? Just a suggestion. - “I’ll -” - beware of the use of '-'. You see all sorts on here, but good layout and correct use of punctuation is important, and I think most publishers, agents and editors will expect and want writers to know what they are doing. Here is a good source: https://www.touchstone-editing.com/2017/10/mini-lesson-punctuating-interrupted.html We've had some discussion about this stuff on the Craft Book thread. I honestly believe that serious writers have an obligation to learn this stuff and do it properly. Punctuation is there for a reason, and works in a particular way and we don't get to just do what we like. Rules can be broken to a purpose and with a specific intention. But I think that to break rules, we need to know how they work and why they are there. This is my belief. I think it's something we all should think about. - "a tray of drinks" - did no one ask him what he wanted? It's a small detail, but without it, I think it just communicates to the reader that the drink is just a device for the conversation, and the tavern is needed for the scene to take place, but has no real texture of its own. - I think the pretext for this conversation is weak. A total stranger bars At's way from exiting the tavern and he just gives in, sets aside his important task, and sits down for a drink with two people he does not know from Adam? It doesn't seem plausible to me. I preferred the previous scene. Once again, it had much more substance than this one, more character, more texture. Okay, there were issues with how the female character was treated, but this female character has no substance. I don't know her demeanour, her appearance (in terms of character). The conversation is artificial, for me. They sit down and start firing complicated political question at him. It feels like it's all set up as a device to deliver plot. It feels unnatural to me. The previous scene felt entirely natural. Exposition was delivered around the events of the scholar visiting him. At was sequestered away in him rooms: that felt natural. Now, we're in the generic fantasy tavern scene. Tavern scenes have to be strong and characterful to stand out from the literally hundreds of others. - I'm getting frustrated. The style is good, but I'm lacking immersion, intrigue, character, colour. These things were present in the first version, but I don't get now in this version. (page 9) - "lifted his glass and took a long drink" - Of what?! - "campaign was doomed to failure" - I just feel there's a great big exposition flag here. 'Pay attention, plot details coming.' - I feel that Har is the convincing note in this scene. He behaves in a realistic way, adds colour, makes choices that make sense. (page 10) - "They both stared at At" - I'm still struggling with the fact that At can't how transparent these two are gouging him for information. I guess he's a bit sheltered an unworldly, but I'm shouting at the page "These two are bad." Either that or artificial plot constructs. - "The man is entitled to a secret or two" - He's entitled to his privacy, is what he's entitled to, and not being trapped into a conversation he doesn't want. It tends to show At being weak-willed as well. Which maybe he is: not especially compelling character trait for a main character. - "For a moment, he’d felt his worries ease" - But he showed no desire to have this talk with these people whose characters are almost completely blank. And we did not really get enough of At's emotional reaction to them to see his emotion change during the conversation, to reveal that he was coming to enjoy it. So, is he lying here? I don't know. Overall The writing is good, the style, the flow. it's easy to read. I made a handful of LBL comments in text, I'll email them, but almost nothing. I like the writing. I guess you shied away from the first version because of the issues raised with the female characters? I'll stand by what I said above, that I think the first version has more character, more colour, more engagement in the world, and that the issues could quite easily be addressed be tweaking the character of the two female 'roles', and ho they are treated by and in the scenes, but retaining the scenes themselves. The new characters here, two main parts in the prologue and the two random, blank people in the bar; I just feel they are so much less interesting than the characters we have 'lost'. And the locations, the high hall with balcony and At's office, were more colourful, more evocative of location. If I was guessing, I would say that you have been writing and editing the first version for some time, have lived with it, embellished and improved it, whereas this new version feel like a first draft, an outline, without the detail and depth that comes from editing, and editing several times. Sorry not to be more positive. I'm trying to help. If this is the version you are going with, I think it needs punched up in several ways.

Fine by me.

Feta? Sorry, that feta comment was a bit meta. I meant cheesy. Maybe, but even just a stirring recollection (for a paragraph?) of hopelessly outnumbered maj striving to whittle the impossible numbers down, protected by the remaining soldier, gradually turning the tide over lightenings of effort, bone weary, driving in on the invaders, decimating them, decimating them again, and again, and again. Maybe a maj or two still fall victim until finally the maj, the Gr, the Pi, the Ari stood the morning light and the last El was gone, and the Imp was freed. I just thought the final victory might get more of an acknowledgement. Ah-ha. Funny you should say that... Interesting what you say about the cheer moment when the El are vanquished. That's kind of what I was getting at, as noted above, that we didn't really see that moment of soldiers on the battlefield, finally lowering their swords, grim-faces breaking into smiles of realisation that they'd won. Weariness catching up to them, hugging each other in relief, etc.

Epilogue (page 41) - I inserted a page break, see above! - A seventeen page epilogue? I go back to my point about whether or not this is in fact a chapter. I don't know that answer, but it feels more like a chapter to me, especially since the final chapter finished at the same pace, and without a particularly resounding moment. (I don't know if this is any help. It's just how I feel at reaching the end, not just of one book, but of three.) - Transmission from whom, to whom, from where? None of the other epigraphs have been so vague, I think. Here at the end of the it all, the last thing I want is another mystery. I want answers, not questions. Ri POV (page 43) - "R didn't argue with him." - I feel that this is the end of their story, and, again, I think it can pay off in a sweeter, more satisfying way. The absence of a response from her, or the expression of a negative at the end is--I feel--well, negative, not positive. I've made a suggestion in the LBLs. It's a really nice, satisfying scene, and I very much enjoy where they have ended up, how they play against each other, and where they seem certain to be going. Nicely done. As I say, I just crave a more satisfying last line. In POV (page 46) - Is it not more fitting for it to be 'Three paths in life? It's not as if En and In's have been the same. Decent scene. I'm not bowled over, I have to admit. It was always going to happen, so it's not surprising. There's some sweetness in the moment, but I've always been more invested in Or and Ri's relationship, if I'm honest, from a romantic POV. Re POV (page 47) - "A new Assembly" - What happened to the old building? Can they not just go back to that? Good, reliably entertaining Re scene. I'm not convinced he's changed much over the three books. He has grown, a bit, I suppose, but I don't think his personality has changed. He has progressed in his profession, I suppose, but still seems to be an apprentice. Once again, the end of the POV, the last line; it's very prosaic. It doesn't leave my with any upswell of emotion, which is what I want at the end of an arc. Man POV (page 49) - "could potentially usher" - vagueness, lack of investment. Here at the end, I think it's so important for clarity, optimism, etc. (page 50) - "But what was to be their purpose?" - Hallelujah. Glad my main...birdman is asking the same questions as me - "their universe is winding down" - This brings me back to my point about this being a chapter and not an epilogue. I would not expect to get the whole reason the story happened being revealed in an epilogue. Surely that should be in the main story? (page 51) - "subsume the maj" - This sounds like an evil masterplan. Subsume sounds like what the Borg do, or the Cybermen, the Sith, etc. Good POV. I'd prefer a bit more of Man's impressions of certain other characters. I'd like him to think about Or (which he does), but also Ri. I guess we know his intention for her though. Mmm, okay, maybe not needed. (page 52) - "facets and reflections flashing by" - I think there has been insufficient wonder about this. All of these other facets with other creatures completely unknown to our characters. Sa POV - I really like the opening with him 'falling'. Great description, this place feels knew and fresh. I get some of that sense of wonder I was talking about before, about them knowing something radically different and new about their world. - And here is the 'showdown' with the Voice that I felt was missing from the denouement. It just makes me feel more and more like this is a chapter and not an epilogue: it has major plot strands that are connected to the main story. (page 53) - "into that expanse" - I get no sense of an expanse, I get nothing concrete, just vague blurriness. (page 54) - "Two were missing" - yes!! Major payoff. - "also two missing" - (where is the exploding head emoji........) - "Maybe they had been control devices" - No, no, don't you dare leave it there!!! Control of what? Used by whom? How did they get here (Other than in a buckle great rocket now buried to the neck in crystal)? Where did the rocket come from? How many people were on it? - "after the Net grew from it" - - I don't think I understood this before, in that scene before when S came here at first. There were too many distractions, too many other things I was trying to understand. Was I supposed to get this before? I kind of hope not, because I would then be expecting him to tell his friends about this very fact, which he did not. I think this can be a good point at which to explain clearly what this reveal is, I just can't remember how it played in the first scene, when he didn't know what he was doing. - "into the slash of light" - I don't understand what this is, or really what it looks like. (page 55) - "push it back in" - The craft? But I don't get any sense that the craft has moved from its original position, that the voice was in any way progressing its goal, or approaching success. - "I am the Symphony" - But, was not the Voice presented as (just) another maj? That's what I remember. But it has also been spoken of as the Symphony of the other universe. That seems at odds with it being (just) another maj, but rather more in tune with what I was hoping for, that the voice would be something beyond ordinary, something amazing, godlike, but ultimately misdirected in its aims. An another thing, this implies that the Symphony of the universe the contains for worlds of the Assembly also has a voice, but no one has heard it (yet). Doesn't it? (page 57) - "Push the plug deeper into the hole" - I've never had the sense that the plug was coming out of the hole. - "the aura around his body grew too bright to look at" - POV issue: S doesn't need to look at it, he is it. - "deeper into the rift between universes" - This is massive, monumental. There is no way this is a prologue, IMO. These are the immense, world-altering events that I expected at the conclusion of the novel and the trilogy. For me, an epilogue should be five cycles later, totally removed from the main events, with S, In and En living somewhere new and interesting and learning what they do now. Ri having been in charge of the SoTH for five years (oh, wait, issue), Ori questing out somewhere, and all the apprentices being full maj. (page 58) - "a ringing tuning fork had been stuffed into a vice" - I don't really get this analogy. - "He suspected it would take longer to endanger the tree of the Net" - New concept on the last page. Tree of Net. What does that mean? It's been crystal for three books, how many hundreds and hundreds of pages? Now it's a tree? Hey, where's that rug that was under me a moment ago? - "How many caverns..." - What? Eh? The language here is... When S came down here, he passed many, many facets. I asked a question about that. Many facets that we have no concept of. The variations near endless, that would take lifetimes to explore. Then he moves the rocket, and now there are hundreds and hundreds more? But there were already more than could ever be explored in ten lifetimes. Creating a bunch more seems...repetitive. I got the wonder of that concept on the way down here. Now, the same concept again, but I've used up my wonder on the way down, so this feels...ho, hum. More facets. Okay. - "within it" - But there is no it, surely? There are hundreds and hundreds of new facets. What is 'it'? It is the Net? And the Net is one universe, but there are lots of new facets within that one universe, the Net? - Great last one, but I'm coming back again one more time to me feeling that this is in the conclusion of the novel, when S faces his enemy and 'resolves' the situation. I really think this is contained within the arc of the novel, and this is a chapter, not an epilogue. OVERALL - Why were the El taking the energy? I'm not sure I really understood the nature of the Net from the scene at the root. Also, the villain being some other maj us, and not some special, different, extraordinary creature. And we never saw their defeat, as it were, never saw them howling in anger, did we? I forget. The scene down in the root never felt like a great showdown. I'm not sure we really got a great climactic scene. - Okay, the above point gets answered, but only in the epilogue. Also, I think there is insufficient wonder among other people about the HoT and the HoM. Completely new houses that no one knew anything about? Also, Did we establish where the HoT was, the one in Man's facet? I felt that would be a big thing. Maybe it doesn't matter. - Hang on, if Man wants to the SoTH to replace the Assembly and the Council, why has he put Ri in charge of it? That seems counterintuitive to me. Surely he would be at its head? At the end of it all, my overriding emotion is confusion. I don't think the takeaway in relation to the nature of the universe, the facets, the Net, the root, the ship, the spire, the Voice, the tree, the caverns......... There are so many components that should, I think, at the end of the novel mesh together seamlessly, but that's not what I'm feeling. I really want the end to be tighter. The last couple of paragraphs are spot on in terms of emotional tone, for me. It's what comes before that I am struggling with in its present form. I know I will have more thoughts later, once I have processed this. Tomorrow, maybe. But, for now, thank you

Normally, I would do this in a heartbeat, I hope you know, but I just can't stretch to it at the moment. If it's still a thing in July (2nd half) maybe I'll come back and stick my hand up. I'd like to see where the story ended up, and it was in that anthology!! I want to read it again even more. ATM though I'm critiquing all these novels at the moment Not to mention failing miserably to write 25,000 words for a thing

Section 4 (page 32) - "dragged an anchor on his back with each step" - Is the point of dragging an anchor not that it is in the ground, and acting like an anchor, instead of just a deadweight on the back? - "kept the El from moving" - the analogy was one of shaking a tree, and shaking them off, I thought, but the effect has been different. - "shaken from this reality" - I thought they had to do the pinching thing to actually get rid of them, although only now I do remember that some which fell seemed to go through the floor. - Can a hum roar? Seems a bit of a mixed description. - "Once again, I’m no use" - I don't really believe that even S would think this. He then goes an immediately disproves it. - "He was doing something" - And he showed them how to do it. I'm just not convinced even he would believe the initial thought. Seems a bit contrived. - "garden around the Spire" - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Broken promise alert. It was carefully set up, more than once, that there was a big concentration of El around the spire, and they were digging a big hole, intent of finding something. (1) How can the garden still be here: where is the big hole?; (2) surely clearing the big, big concentration of El would be a task needing many maj, but it's been skipped over. I was seeing it as the Battle of the Pelennor Fields. At least, I thought it would get a mention; (3) mystery, what were the El looking for at the spire, we certainly need to know that. (page 33) - Ha-ha. Okay, I should have read on a sentence, but you know me, react first, consider carefully later Still, I thought we might get to at least hear about the titanic effort it took to clear the last massed force of El, the heroism of our key players. Maybe that is coming up too. - "who had eaten into the Net" - I feel like the El are 'its', not 'whos'. They have no individual identity, and have been described as creatures. (page 34) - "Go get him" - This mystery feels contrived. Why would she not just say Fel? S is not going to resist in his state, and why would he anyway? (page 35) - "put together" - Surely In or En would just have told him this? - "keeps them from opening new voids" - Ah, now. I raised this before: I don't think this was stated before. (page 36) - "popped out of the breach in the wall as they did, clambering up the pitted crystal and earth" - Confused. The hole in the wall and the pit were described as being different, but having Or and HD clambering up makes it sound like they're coming from the pit, IMO. They also say 'down there'. I thought the breach in the wall and the pit were different. (page 37) - "half-revealed in the crystal" - Not clear. I thought at first that the El had brought the device. Then I guess they are trying to excavate it, but I'm not sure the description is clear in that respect. (page 38) - "Perhaps it will provide answers we need" - I'm really quite underwhelmed with how this is dismissed by Man. "Oh sure, that looks interesting. Anyway, what was I saying?" I really wanted something like 'It's the lost Geegaw of the House of Radiation*?! Lost for a thousand cycles.' Or, 'Can this be an artefact of the founders themselves?!' Just, more really. - "It looked like a rocket engine" - Okay, that will do nicely. I retract the above comment. I think this line should be in a paragraph of its own. - "The Net had grown from the root, and the root looked very much like the cockpit of a spacecraft" - I don't remember either of these conclusion being clear from that chapter. I'm not convinced this is WRS: I'm sure I did not take those points away with me from the 'control' room. - "plunged between two unis, piloted by the peers..." - - I just didn't get this from the narrative before. I really want more clues in that earlier section, and S is presenting this like he has already worked it out. If he did that off screen I am going to be annoyed, because that realisation has been withheld from me till now, which I feel is unreliable of S, which I'd say he has not been before. (page 39) - "but it felt like a pedestal growing underneath his music" - I don't follow. If he can't hear it, how can he feel it? Confused. - "buoying it up from sinking below the waves" - I don't know what this means. - "gently lowered his composition into the construct" - No, you've lost me completely. This construct is entirely of potential, which S cannot hear? How can is it he can use it, interact with it? - Issue: was the original sound heralding the Dis not a chime? I feel both the problem and the cure are being described using the same term at point. By this point, I'm not sure if the chime was the bad thing and the hum is the good thing (I'm more clear about the hum, I think.) - "no longer approaches so fast, but at a normal pace" - This reads clunky to me, and is less whelming than I would like. (page 40) - Endings are hard. I find this one, the very ending, disappointing. I feel like it's relying on the epilogue to do the heavy lifting in terms of emotional satisfaction. 'There's a lot of work to do': meh, verging on cliché. I want a cheer moment at the end, not a kind of don't get comfortable, there's lots of broken stuff to fix, which is how I felt. It is not aided, I think, by the fact that the epilogue does not start on a new page, which I think is a must, for effect. We need to see that blank whiter paper after the last line. Overall - Section 4 I found a fair few things rather difficult to grasp, and I think an edit or two for flow and clarity would benefit this a good deal. The epilogue stars a 10 day later, which is not much time at all. For me, it feels more like the final chapter. In the same way that a prologue is supposed to do things that one cannot do in the narrative flow of the novel itself, is a prologue not in the same sense, to deal with matters significantly discontinuous with the main narrative? Anyway, back to the ending. We've just discovered that there is a big rocket crashed pointy end first into the Net (if I've understood correctly), but that is sidelined by some rather bland ending statements. For some reason, I'm thinking of the original Planets of the Apes, Charlton Heston on the beach, 'Drat you, drat you all to heck!' Okay, we're not in that kind of scenario, but I want to cheer at the end, and be uplifted, and I don't really get that. It's nice, and peaceful, but that's about as much as I'm feeling. And another thing, there actually is a note of uncertainty as to whether they are actually safe, viz En's question: it's not certain, which strikes me as a bit off. I'd really like to be sure the Dis is over. Speaking of that, WW's comments about it similarly leave me rather dissatisfied. 'The end of the world is still coming, just more slowly.' Oh good, I feel much better now. I know this is still the case, but can we not have the emphasis on the upside. Like S saying, we have hundreds of cycles to work on that. I know they don't, but society does. Last batch of epilogue comments to come.

Section 3 (page 20) - "roof to roof, faster than a cheetah" - This is tongue in cheek, but a cheetah runs circa 70mph on the ground, not going up buildings. Just seems a slightly mixed metaphor. - "he grunted in pain" - I'd like to be reminded that S and WW are plummeting towards the ground. I know they have slowed, but still. - "until she came abreast of them, and then above" - Hmm, right, Referring to my comments on Section 2, is it the case that the Gr only glide, and do not fly? Regardless of that, I think it's still the case that if she waits until S and WW are past them there is no chance of catching them, and that she should be diving off when they are still above. Looking at it another way, S and WW will have reached terminal velocity (although I appreciate they are then slowed from that by S efforts). Still, En and In will have to stop and push off, so they will be starting from a velocity of zero. If they wait until they are level with S and WW, I don't think they would have time to catch them. I'm tempted to break out some equations of motion here. (page 21) - "Then he and WW were enveloped" - Too fast!!! That is almost instantaneous. They were a speck in the sky when En saw them 'somewhere in the Imp'. - "found himself sitting on the curb" - The deceleration to nothing happens too fast, IMO, to be believable. I think they would feel some Gees as they brake hard to a stop. (page 22) - "It was the Symphony" - WRS is hampering my recollection, but I thought it implied that it was a maj (which had contributed to the building of the Net itself). Now it is an actual (other) symphony? (page 23) - "they had only to build enough presence" - Why then are they so intent of looking for something at the spire, I wonder? - "eyes still closed" - How did he see the El sinking then? - "but there wasn’t time" - This is so blindingly obvious that it doesn't seem worth him articulating in thought. I think something even more all-encompassingly general would work better, like 'but he could not.' Because he has the small matter of the Net to save. - There are lots of good synonyms for 'noise', almost all of which are more emotive and expressive than 'noise', or 'humming': viz, tumult, din, racket, fracas, uproar, etc. Humming just isn't dangerous or scary, IMO. (page 26) - "to the brim" - I've never really had this sense. (page 27) - "Let’s take care of the others" - This is an unrealistic statement. There are hundreds upon hundreds, tens of thousands, I thought? They need every maj to be given this information. How many maj users are there? 1,000? Surely they need to do 50 to 100 El each. It can't just be a case of this group mopping them up. They are spread all over the place, for another thing. I feel it would be more appropriate if En's statement was, 'We have to get this knowledge to all the other maj.' If not, then finishing the El will be too easy. It needs to take hours and hours, IMO. There are too many for this one group. - "a puff of white and green smashing together" - Ha! After all my bleating about raising the intensity through word choice, this one seems a bit over the top. I'm trying to imagine two puffs 'smashing' together. Smashing sounds negative to me in this context, although I suppose it is a destructive act. Still, puffs... - "Other maj" - Going back to my earlier comment about numbers, setting aside the issue of logistics of clearing the Net, I would find it helpful to know ho many maj there are around here in this group. And anything thing, can the same maj make the same change in the symphony so close together? How far away does the next target need to be to avoid the barrier of making the same change in the same location (this bridging of the gap in the symphony)? - "would the El come right back?" - are there still drains appearing and dropping more El in? - "his crest rose in nervousness" - Really? Why? Or is a tireless explorer and has faced many alien situations and forms, why is he suddenly nervous? Seems a bit out of character to me. (page 28) - "Yes, we do" - Great hutzpah: En has grown up alot. - "mouthing “soon.”" - Meh, this felt a touch on the feta side to me. (page 31) - "That knife was imbued..." - Now that is interesting! Very interesting. (page 32) - "From the wrinkles on their hands, S assumed they were older" - This coming at the end of the section feels off. It's a minor detail and doesn't convey anything to me. I think it detracts from the drama and portent of the end of the section. OVERALL - Section 3 Another good section, bringing people together. You maybe remember how I griped (cough, understatement) about various characters assuming the everything would be fine in the end some chapters ago. The same feeling emerges here, and it feels like the battle is winding down, BUT they have earned it here, earned the change to be optimistic about the future now that they have the upper hand and it appears they can banish the El. So, I have no problems with this. But, with only 8 pages to go of the 'main book', there are still unresolved matters like the spire, and there has been no final confrontation between S and the voice, which I am expecting. I am slightly wary that we are just going to run down to the end without a big crescendo.

Awesome! We have wild strawberries in the garden, but they are tiny, and the birds gobble them up.

Section 2 (page 10) - "combined forces pushed into the Imp" - Yes! This is what I felt I was missing in the last section, and idea that someone was thinking about strategy / the plan, and not just standing around arguing about Ar. - "It’s an ambush" - I really don't think it's an ambush. The El don't seem to organise in that way, or form conscious strategies in advance. I feel it's been presented that they are reactive to what is in from of them. Ri could just be plain old wrong, of course, but I feel that she's seen enough of the El to come to this conclusion. (page 11) - "did have strategy. They just hadn’t shown it yet" - Mmm. They are digging around the Spi, so that shows intent, purpose strategy, but their movements around the Imp, I feel, have been totally reactive. What we have seen of them anyway. - "can you handle them?" - Vague. Handle what? Also, I know Man is not a war commander, but it would be much more exciting and compelling if he was shouting 'Go get them!' I really don't think Genghis Khan shouted may questions to his troops - "A spike of earth speared up and into an El" - Why has no one done this before? This is an incredibly effective tactic, and no one has thought of it? They could deal with dozens per hour if they could replicate this enough, in Strength, right? (page 12) - "following him into a grand thoroughfare" - POV issue: how do they see all the consequent actions? How do they see the W/Bs and Na acting? - "chunks of the city" - this sounds like whole neighbourhoods. I struggle to figure the description. (page 13) - "I can’t hear the Symphony" - Excellent drama. Very tense moment. (page 14) - "They ran closer" - Closer than/to what? (page 15) - the noise level was overwhelming" - General comment about word choice. There quite a few instances when I think that the emotion / threat / stakes, etc. are downplayed by word choice, or rather suppressed. Maybe a better way to say it is that there are opportunities for stoking up these things. I know this is something that you tend to do on second or third pass, but being aware of the deadline, I thought I would flag what I thought were prominent ones in the LBLs. Here, for example, 'noise level' sound to me like the buttoned-up Health & Safety manager taking sound readings in on office to make sure they are within guidelines, when we might have something like 'cacophony', for example, which I think is more emotive. (page 16) - "as if they were vines planted in a field" - Not the most effective metaphor, for me, not for something that is rolling, anyway. (page 18) - "It was clearer up here" - What was clearer? The air? The noise? Thought? The Symphony? - "faster than thought" - Hmmmmm. - "winged arms spread wide" - There was mention of thicker skin between the arms to pull them up, but if they are not actually flapping the wings to create uplift, that skin is just deadweight, surely. They do not seem to be flapping. - En and In are going up really quickly, and S and WW are falling really quickly. Their closing speed must be huge. I think the judgement that En is employing needs to be more sophisticated. She mentions 'soaring toward S', but if they aim for a point at which S is (as this implies) S and WW will have plummeted away past them. I would think that they need to aim for a point well ahead of S and WW. Moreover, the description has been of En and In going upwards, but S and WW were specks some distance away, up, but also over lateral distance, I implied. That being the case, En and In have not closed any of the horizontal distance, and so will have a fair amount of flying to do to reach S and WW's vertical path. I think En should be more concerned about gaining enough height (which she does mention) to be able to fly horizontally to intercept S and WW's path while still having enough height to arrest their plummeting descent. Overall - Section 2 Sorry that took so long, I go interrupted by all sorts of things. Actually went into the office today Lots of good tension in this section, comments notwithstanding, this will be exciting stuff. S's intervention plays much better up here than it did when we saw him do it before. It really does not seem to inconvenience the good guys that much, only the baddies, which I kind of convenient. It feels too easy to me. S does something random that he doesn't understand and it works fine, melts the El, blocks the voice and everyone lives happily ever after. It's just too easy, IMO.

Excellent pictures

Hoo-ha. My goodness. The end, of the book, and of the trilogy. I think I'll split comments over more than one post for some reason that is not immediately obvious to me. Maybe 3 posts. Also, because I'm inserting LBLs and it's a long Doc, my page number are going to get pushed out at some point. Sorry about that. Here we go. This is exciting. Section 1 (page 2) - "E and her other instance" - This is really cold. Why doesn't she call him In? - "allowing them to hunt at their ease" - I tend to doubt any really felt 'at ease' in this situation. They are not soldiers, after all, and even if they were. - "hit on a joined change" - Don't follow this phrasing. (page 3) - "throbbing mass of black and orange, like a nest of caterpillars" - shudder. (page 4) - "En leapt to stop her" - Ok, this is my first significant (small 's') issue. En and In knew this exact situation would arise, and easily would be able to forewarn Ri that a bunch of things that looked like El were going to arrive, but they were not. En even knew the timing of the event. So, this scene feels kind of deliberately dramatic, but the drama easily could have been avoided, which is the more likely thing for En and/or In to have done, surely. - "El grew arms and legs" - chuckle. This is a laugh-out-loud line. In a very real sense, it's a case of the writing showing, but it's impossible for me not to appreciate this line. - "Anything not El" - good line, reinforces the new paradigm wrt the Ar, and also the dire desperation of the situation. (page 6) - "those ones are new and different" - But the Ari are not new, also, there is serious baggage with the Ari, which there cannot be with the Gr. Not the best logic here, IMO. - "Could they all fight the El together?" - For me, this is kind of vague and weak. I don't think it's a sharp enough and decisive enough thought for this late in the story. En's character is stronger than this somewhat timid thought. - "She put action to word" - I think this means she extends a hand to Na, but it's not clear, IMO, and needs to leap to make that connection. I think it would read more positively if it's just stated outright. More importantly though, where does she get the authority to make such a call? Man is still in charge, is he not? I suppose he's not here. (page 8) - "patiently waiting to begin killing El" - I struggling a bit with the setting, in the sense that there is still a battle going on, is there not? I thought there were maj holding back a tide of El, the maj in their crescent formations. So, how do the Ar come through the gate? Are there not El between the Ar and the maj? - Also, people are standing around talking again. An important debate, I accept, but I've lost the feeling of tension given that the enemy is present, and maj are fighting to stop them breaking through, (I thought). - "unless no other outcome was possible" - This doesn't really chime against peace. No others outcome than what? Anger is not an outcome, as such. - "It took another three light..." (page 9) - "They can’t keep fighting tonight" - Who can't? - "the El have stopped coming" - When did this happen? I've been distanced from the conflict and what was actually happening. As above, I thought there was a battle going on, but I had no sense of the movements, where the threat was relative to the people standing around talking. - "It will be better to attack again tomorrow" - Attack what? It was the El who attacked them from the city, surely. Have the maj done anything apart from repel the attacks of the El? - "There is another movement in the N" - Vague, what does this mean? What is he sensing? - "We’ll need to hold off the El off a little longer" - Huh? But what are their tactics? Okay, this is Big Issue Number 2. All these forces have come to the aid of the maj, but there are no tactics. We saw some tactics in the previous chapter, I think? (WRS), but now their strategy is to hold off the El and what...hope something happens? That is basically waiting for the end. They need to have a positive strategy, surely??? We've got Man, Ri, Or working together--and the speaker, but there is no strategy, no plan of attack? (page 10) - "their losses from today" - I remember now that the maj forces dropped the barrier and let the El out, effectively, but they never had a strategy for going in a trying to take back ground, or how to deploy forces. I don't need to know detailed strategy, but I think in the previous chapter, and here, I would just to know that they had some kind of plan. If it's WRS and it we there before, I need it to be reflected here too. The strategy failed, or whatever, but this POV seems directionless. The powwow they are having is not about strategy, but about whether to accept the Ar? That's completely moot if they are going to lose and be dissoluted out of existence anyway. OVERALL - Section 1 I just feel that this section has been quite directionless, and dwells overly on the arrival of the Ar and its significance for society when the biggest stakes surely remain the El and the Dis. I think Man would now that: I think Ri would know that. Or, I can see getting distracted, but the leaders I don't think would be distracted by what is really a side-show compared to the El. It's been identified that the El are doing something mysterious, but there is no discussion of that. The more I think about it, the more I think that the decision makers have, in this chapter, gone down a blind alley. IF, in this Council they are having, they are arguing about tactics against the El, I don't think that's clear, but I don't think this is the subject of their debate, I think it's the Ar, and that feels like the wrong stakes to me. More to follow!

Well done. I wish I could say the same.

I think for everyone it's just a function of when you were born. For example I saw A New Hope in the cinema when it came out. I believe that part of D*sney's rampant exploitation of the IP is going to be to bring in some of the characters from Clone Wars, etc. into various shows like the Man DeLorean, etc. But I refuse to buy D+ in a similar way that I have refused to buy Sky--in that case because Rupert Murdoch is the Prince of Darkness.

Happy new lawnmower, @shatteredsmooth.