Robinski

Good point. It really is very recent, agreed. In the UK, the bedrock of modern Health & Safety and employment legislation are Factories Act 1961 and the Health & Safety At Work Act 1974. The first factories act was 1937. Benefits of being a former company safety officer. So, don't run in the corridors between the threads!

That's good. I forgot that.

That seems fair. It does leave them wearing rings that, I suppose, they would think were purely decorative?

Good tip, I've written that down on a piece of paper, so that's a guarantee, of some kind.

Agree, some physical aspect would be satisfying.

But, don't they all have rings? Does this mean one ring would be the lock and all the others are keys? Oh, oh, oh. What if, because we're dealing with time, at any one time one ring is the lock and all the other rings are keys...that's pretty complicated, probably overcomplicated. But, would that mean that, at a particular time, WW's ring could open S's ring, or vice versa? Hmph, too complicated. But I think there would be confusion over one ring doing something different from the others. Why did S get the one ring that was the lock?

I mean, I worked it out easily enough, but it did stop me reading when I was going at a good pace, following the flow of the exposition and deduction. So, I guess it's a case of deciding which is more important, IF others have an issue, of course, which they may well not. I'm taking the other point into private chat.

Yes, I ROFL'd at that too, but presumed it was a typo.

Challenge flag on the play, it's going to the instant replay... This was my face as I was typing...

Lol, yes. All the classics are there. Heartwarming to see them in print (shortly before the heart expands to the size of a super nova then implodes). Buckfast is one of the tipples of choice of jakeys and neds throughout Scotland. Fortified wine loaded with caffeine. Very easy to drink, rather sweet from recollection (I have sampled it for research purposes). The recognisable brand is a common sight of a morning, abandoned in city centre decorative planters, gutters, etc. As for the king rib; ah, yes, a true delicacy. Almost guaranteed never to have been anywhere near an animal's ribcage until consumed by a human (or urban fox).

That does sound like me. I liked it here!!

Comments (page 1) - The opening is... I'm not sure. It feels muddled. How did M get back home? And why did she go when she only just started classes? Is this WRS on my part, or has a block of time happened? If so, I'd like more of a cue at the start. - The bit about her father being that Michael is the first bit that really catches my attention. - Who is the third person? - Okay, we get the time passing half way down the page. That's fine, I think, if the first part was tighter. I've seen that done plenty, where the 'reveal' of time passing comes after the reader has been off balance for a few paragraphs. - We're in tight M POV, I really don't think the narrative should think of her mother by her Christian name. I know zero children who call their parents by their names. (page 2) - "gold star in the middle of the chest" - IMO. Oh, and . - "stash knives" - how do you do this on a skintight suit? - "feeling she wasn’t going to the masquerade after all" - Is the ball tomorrow? WRS, I forget. - I don't know grandpa's role in the story/world. Who is he? What does he do? (page 3) - "they got lost and fell down a ravine or something" - ROFL: stupid backpackers, leave them to it - "he liked to hunt in groups" - so, pairs then? - "A few hikers disappeared this week" - Is he implying it's the investigators? Unclear, IMO. (page 4) - "before she really started crying" - I'm mad as all heck that she doesn't get to go to the masquerade, but this was an effective scene, once I got past the start. It's totally appropriate, I feel, for her to have this disappointment. Actually, it kind of mirrors the treatment of superheroes in many of their storylines, where they have to make a personal / social sacrifice for the great good. I kind of enjoyed that echo here, given what her costume is. - Also, I am interested. I guess you steered clear of calling out Captain M****l, was that for rights issues? I seem to recall we had a short discussion on this when I used the Fan****ic F**r in TCC. (page 5) - "she was over 200" - Meh. No numerals, please. I don't believe you will find a numeral like this in a professionally edited work. (page 6) - "if she could learn it" - Nice thought, and effective description of the place, and how it feels to be there. - I don't know what JV is. (page 8) - If it wasn't for the connection with Mi, this hunt would feel like a sidetrack, I think, but I like how you've tied it back to Mi and his working with the group. I feel much more invested in the trip that way. - I don't think grandpa should ask a question at the end of a section, because it feels open, just hanging, unanswered. Better for it to be a statement, IMO. (page 9) - When did Me get up on the boulder? - Decent fight scene on this page, I think. I'm not doing LBLs as requested, but it was hard to read that scene because there were so many typos. I think it's good. (page 10) - "the battle below her" - I've got a warped sense of blocking and no real details. I don't recall her going up on the boulder. - What hill? Where did the hill come from? (page 11) - Wait, what? Was it Ma who shouted in Latin? I presume so. If she could do that and banish the demons, why in the name of heck did she not do that at the beginning of the fight?! Oh, is it because they were dead? What about the third demon? Also, I think it happens too quickly. No sooner has Me struck the killing blow than the remains are gone. The pressure is off, so they can take a break before Ma tidies up, can they not? - "J's bones screamed." - This is a nice detail. Did it happen back when she was healing Mi? I don't remember, but I don't recall it sticking out as a neat detail, the wounds calling to her in this way, demanding to be healed. It's more compelling than a simply matter of conscience. (page 12) - "A breeze rustled her hair" - I could have done numerous word choices, but this one in particular stuck out for me. A 'rustle' is a noise, which makes that some weird hair she has there. (page 13) - Neat ending to the chapter. A nice moment. OVERALL I enjoyed this chapter more than I thought is was going to. I found the opening a bit disorienting because of the shift in location, which is only explained after half and page. Maybe it was WRS, but I don't recall her talking about going home in the previous chapter. The thing that holds this chapter together, IMO, is the fact that these are the hunters that Mi equipped. I think the more than link comes into this chapter, the more it will feel like part of the overall story, and not a sidetrack with no real purpose other then to show some demon hunting and inject some action after a fair bit of socialising. They fight itself was pretty good. I like the range of weapons in use, but I could have done with just a bit more depth to the other characters. J was okay, but the other two felt a bit flimsy to me, Grandpa the most flimsy. The demons get a decent description, but it could be stronger, and I never felt that anyone was in any real danger. The fight is over with relative few strikes against our hunters, and the wounds felt quite matter of fact to me, as if they were only incurred to allow Me to heal them. I think the fight needs a numbers of edits to work in what I would consider the right way. Maybe some banter between the hunters, an indication of how the demons are acting with strategy, to make them more dangerous. I think the fight needs to have a story to it where the risk level varies, there is give and take, maybe the goodies start well, then suffer a reverse, two reverse, it looks like they might lose then someone pulls out some clever stuff. I can see that the components are there, but I'm not sure that it's singing, yet. Really do like the ending though. I like that we see that to underline the background that we've had for Me, which the whole chapter does, to some extent.

Wow! Is this shorter than Seeds? That feels shorter to me. Comments. (page 1) - "handicapped our capability" - Really? In terms of achieving technological advancement? How so? This thought, to me, does not flow from the rest of the epigraph. Would organising the maj not make research and advancement more coordinated? (page 7) - "They repeat on a set loop" - This seems unreasonably structured. My benchmark here is Doctor Who, where nothing is structured. - "I assumed the tale to be in error." - Great line. Really feel much more tuned in to WW's personality in this book, than in Facets. - "Then we’ll have to wait for it to change" - Why? (page 9) - "like the inverse of a sun... too dense to look at" - To me, the inverse of a sun is a black hole. One throws out incredible quantities of light, the other sucks light into 'oblivion' (I'm not good a scientific theory). But, this thing sounds like it is really bright. How does that make it the inverse of a sun? Oh... I suppose if it's drawing the light in. Hmm. I sort of get it, but if they are both incredibly bright, I'm still uncertain about it being the inverse. It sounds like they kind of look the same, even if the process is different. (page 10) - "leave a feature so important to chance" - But it's not really to chance, because the order at least seems to be predetermined, according to WW. But then not, because of the new iteration. Just thinking out loud. Carry on. (page 11) - "...learned from eym. E never..." - I hope you know that ia m fully embracing of the myriad genders and pronouns appearing in these books, and this facet in particular, but this--for me--is one too far. This look like a typo, two typos, in fact. We've never met the mentor, I'm pretty confident, so they could be any gender you like. I'm just not sure this is the place to introduce another gender, when the reader is concentrating on this discussion about the nature of the House of Time. I really don't want to be distracted by trying to figure this out at this moment, personally. - "you will never be able to hold off the D" - This is a very bald statement. I know S feels internal responsibility, but this sounds like WW has decided it's S's job to do it. That sounds off to me. Has this been expressed before? Nobody else has made S the chosen one, and I don't remembering WW saying it was S who had to do it. (page 12) - "What had it been like learning from only one maj" - My impression was that they all only learn from one maj, their mentor, but this may not be correct. I feel that's how it's presented in most of the story. I don't recall seeing any apprentice going to class, for example, or going to lessons from any maj other than their mentors. In fact, they are specifically assigned a mentor, I remember from Seeds. (page 13) - I would like to hear S considering what had happened to the houses of T and M in his facet, where they are unknown. - "someone took an inventory" - Do they have it? (page 14) (page 15) - "V and P meeting again" - When did that happen? I don't remember that. I thought V collapsed at the moment P died, sensed it remotely. - "the more danger they were in" - I fail to see the logic in this assertion. (page 16) - "seemed to be interested now" - I refuse to believe xy lost interest at any point. (page 17) - "a little repository" - Sometimes, I think S's word choice is a bit simplistic, making him sound younger than he actually is. When he dropped this word, I was taken by surprise. Jarred a bit for me. But, it's the right word! So, maybe it's other parts of his dialogue/word choice. (page 18) - "upper-middle-class house back on Earth" - This is going to be a highly variable measure depending where one is on Earth, and it's so very weirdly specific. Can't he just say 'large house'? (page 19) - "Where is the list?" - Why does S only think of this now? The list is mentioned on Page 13 and S only thinks to ask 1/4 of a chapter later? I find this hard to believe. It's the first thing someone would think. 'There's a list.' 'Oh, can I see it?' (page 20) - "wait around for it to appear when you need to look something up" - That is madness. Smells strongly of plot device / author intervention. - "trying to parse the meaning behind the speech" - @kais and I had a discussion about the word 'parse' recently. For some reason I felt that it fit here, although see above in relation to S's vocabulary, (but I appreciate that it's in narrative, not dialogue). (page 21) - "S had thought this facet had it together" - But, earlier, he mentioned how there was no formal maj houses, and how their arrangement is loose. This seems contradictory. - "Then you’ve only known about this only as long as we have" - But, did S and his facet not only know in Book 2, when the tone started? (page 22) - "He was almost at whatever conclusion he needed to find" - How on earth does he figure that? He's made no deductions at all from all the questions that he's asked. At this point, I'm expecting him to be thinking he's no nearer to finding a conclusion. (page 23) (page 24) - "It was as if the HoT was changing to accommodate them" - But hang on, WW said the order was fixed. - "He wasn’t entirely sure where he was going with this line of thought" - This seems to contradict the line above about him thinking he is almost at the conclusion. - I'd say that a ledger is a bound book, not a scroll. - "that meant little to him" - They either mean something or nothing, which it seems is the case. He either recognises one, some or none, surely. If they mean little, that is still something, but we are not told what the something is. (page 26) - "Yes, twenty-eight" - I don't buy that S is so much more intelligent than WW what he can make this deduction (which does not seem like rocket science at all), and WW never had. (page 27) - "instead of all together" - I don't understand this. The G/S contains all the music of the individual houses, does it not? So, time and matter too. I don't see what different conclusion S is reaching here. (page 29) / OVERALL - "The ring is the key to the HoT" - Okay, I think the description on the last page or two, when he starts unlocking the mystery needs to be much tighter, clearer and more compelling. I enjoyed all the exploration and problem-solving in this chapter. It's enjoyable detective work, and really feels like an important juncture in the story, like a discovery is going to be made. But, when it comes, I feel the discovery is underwhelming. I don't really understand / cannot picture what S is doing with his hand, with the ring. I don't see what he is seeing, or entirely follow the process he is going through. Also, I don't think it's clear that the pattern in the ring (which isn't clearer described) matches one of the 28 designs on the scroll. Also, where is the evidence that the ring is a key? I'd like to see another step or two in his thought process. Not long exposition, just another short step. Further, I feel there is a bigger revelation, or as big at least. Surely, there must be another 28 rings, another 28 maj of the HoT, mustn't there? Also, they are already in the HoT, so what use is a key? That's another aspect of my being less than totally whelmed by this ending. I don't know what use this key is. It's a good chapter. As usual, I think it can be tighter on word count, which will make it read smoother and more tense, but I enjoyed it, and am looking forward to the next. (LBLs emailed).

Apologies that, for you, this is repetition, but I like to think me sticking it up after you've already seen the comments stimulates debate on the chapter, and I get to discover if I'm barking at the moon or not Also: I never like to see a writer giving them self a hard time. Hold your head up high. Last week's chapter was not painful and boring at all, IMO, and I'll argue with anyone who categorised it that way. I thought there some good scenes, and plenty of good moments. Sure, there were areas for cutting and editing down, but that does not make the whole chapter a duffer. [Following pasted from notes file, with minimal revision.] “built up the steep hills” – Hmm. This implies that some streets also are steep. Which is fine. If I'm honest, I think this sounds more like a feat of civil engineering than the temple earlier. I'd be tempted to switch the temple reference to architecture, and refer to the palace being an engineering feat. You might even draw the comparison if you wanted. “tax breaks” – Modern phrasing in a fantasy novel, to me, is anathema. I think, as writers, we must use every trick in the book to keep the reader grounded in the setting, and by extension, the character. In a fantasy setting, assuming it’s not a modern/urban fantasy—basically, if it is a pseudo historical fantasy—using modern phrases like this, I think, will jump most readers out of the setting quick smart. There have been others, but this one got the rant. For me, this is every bit as disorienting as having a gym or a vaping store show up. “joined the line” – What line? Important blocking issue here, IMO. When she arrives, it sounds like there is no one else there, and we get two pages when no one else is there, then there are guards, who would have been watching her the whole time she stood there looking at the building. Then we learn there is a whole line of people in front of her. The scene is not as presented in the opening of the chapter, and its disorienting to have these other people pop up out of nowhere, when Ir has been able to see them from the first moment. In relation to the non-disclosure contract (NDC), I just thought that was waaay too modern a phrase, and is like suddenly being in a episode of LA Law or something like that. (That was an age joke, I think, although the joke might have been on me.) or The Good Wife, maybe, even Better Call Saul. I’ve mentioned before about how such modern language, in a work of ‘period’ fantasy, drops the reader out, but I think there is another dimension to this. You need to assume that among the people who read your work will be a number (on or more) of lawyers. I think it’s fun for the reader to recognise things from their everyday life that have been translated into a fantasy setting. So, I suggest Contract of Confidentiality. I mean, I think there are or used to be such things. So, maybe an Undertaking of Silence!! That sounds fun, and a lawyer would think, ‘Huh, that’s an NDA.’ I think that recognition of anything we have a personal connection to is fun, in that same way that the reader guessing or solving something for themselves rather than being told it straight out by the author is fun. Sidebar: this is a great chapter: I'm loving it. I love a bit of contract talk, AND espionage, AND wrap it up in a moral dilemma? Perfect! “inheriting the debts of the conquered monarchies” – This is an issue that I’ve been carrying from near the beginning. It has not been so frustrating or puzzling that I've felt the need to raise it before now, but it’s been nagging away at me, and this notion was the trigger. This new monarchy of M defeating P in battle and taking over the country. It’s all very polite. Why would an enemy take on the debts of the defeated country. Surely, they would just say tough bananas to the creditors. I appreciate they have their own creditors to pay their own troops, but taking on the debt seems to defeat one of the purposes of waging war at all, i.e. to profit from it. That’s what companies and corporations often do now. A corporation will be allowed to go bust, corporate debt is written off, then someone comes in a buys the assets for less than they are worth. (Another model is that a debt-ridden company will be bought for $1, because the company coming in knows that there is $100M of debt which they will have to deal with, and the vendor gets out debt free, but that doesn’t apply here.) Also, all this offering employee contracts is very modern. In these pseudo-historical times, I would have thought the monarchy would not be so generous as to set down how they will behave, but just keep the agreement verbal, so they can change it later. I would be surprised if anyone at Ir's level had a contract of employment even in Victoria times, or certainly any earlier. “Indentured servitude” – Yes, see this is more like what I would have expected. No complicated contracts, just a one-page deal. You enter servitude for seven years, we rebuild the restaurant and pay the staff in the interim. You say nothing about ANY of our dealings, including anything relating to the fire. Simples. “it still would not pay for the amount” – It’ll pay whatever the government says it pays. I think we’ve established that. I don’t see how there can possibly be a defined pay scale for indentured servitude. That would vary from case to case, surely. “to recoup some of the monetary expense of the restaurant” – This internal debate is going on for a long time. I think it’s too long, and it’s becoming too complicated. Take this phrase: she’s getting this turned around in her head now. Her services are worth whatever the monarchy decides they are worth. They have decided they are worth the cost of the restaurant and interim salaries. The government is not going to earn an income from her services. I think she is going way off track here, and it’s confusing the debate, going down a blind alley relating to monetary value when the important question is why are her services so valuable to them? “Now she had to tell her family” – Eh? I know she is allowed to tell them she is now employed by the palace, but this sounds like it flies straight in the face of the contract she has just signed. I wonder if this could be qualified in some way, like “Now she had to tell her family…and Car, what little she could.” This also reminds us, at the end of the chapter, that she is now bound to secrecy, and has to hide so many things from those around her. OVERALL: enjoyed this chapter a good deal. Putting aside the mechanical things that I’ve noted as concerned (IMO), I like the idea of it, how she goes through her feelings and sees that she is almost trapped into accepting the position, and there was really good tension at the end when she signs. I can see and appreciate the arc of the chapter, and now it feels like the story is really going to get into the intrigue that I’ve been promised from a fairly early stage. The stand out issue for me is that the chapter is a bit repetitive of certain concepts, and Ir goes over in her head some of the same questions and concepts more than once (or twice!). I think this chapter can be more efficient. Trust the reader to remember why she’s here, recount the reason once, then maybe once more later in the chapter in a shorter, summary form, and I would suggest simplify some of the contractual stuff and try and avoid repeating concepts. Bottom line though, I enjoyed this and I am keen to read on.

Ooh. Interesting thought. I am minded of the Sat and their role in hunting the Ar 'out of existence' in the past, a task they were only too pleased to undertake.

Lol. That is one of my jobs too. I am a registered necklace detangler.

Let me know if you get the hang of it; I could use some pointers

* current (of course) - pah. Ah! That's much more attainable, phew. Most definitely. I was concerned that the brief was 'Help my kid win the competition', which would be like, really? Yes, maybe some published writers too. Good experience going for the application too, I suppose. Very occasionally someone puts a synopsis or submission letter up here for comment, so if it would be of any benefit at all, I'm sure you'd get some input on here, if that was of any help.

Seems to me that there's no real shortcut to reading a bunch of correct or classical short stories. Although the competition refers to a 3,000 word limit, SFWA goes up to 7,500 words for 'short story'. I reckon that reading the Hugo and Nebula-nominated and winning (of course) short stories would be a good place to start. If it were me, I'd probably go back to the Writing Excuses episodes that are tagged 'short story' and 'short fiction' too. That seems like a tall order. Apart from anything else, the judging of short stories is a fairly fickle business, I reckon. How many entrants are there? It seems a very specific tutoring position, like someone looking for a tutor to help them win Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Good luck!! Does the kid have any background in writing, and in writing fiction? Starting from scratch would be...hard. I reckon you should be interviewing them. Does the kid have a voice, do they have anything to say? Any flare for words?

That may have coloured my reaction also... Ah, now. I'd just like to go on record an say I don't think A should change her mind. I think it's cool that characters to hold unpopular opinions. Because they have every right to hold them, and it makes them more interesting. And the threesome--I mean, M's reasons for not participating are entirely reasonable--she was exhausted from the healing and disoriented from her encounter with (a) Mi, then (b) T. I also find that completely acceptable from the POV of the story arc. I don't have to like it, but I'm not expecting the romance plot to come to fruition <cough> this early in the story. So, while I moan about these things, I think they make sense. It's completely standard for a reader to be frustrated because things don't all go the protagonist's way, but you would not want them to get all that they wanted too easily, of course.

That's what we're all doing on this thread, Emi This is a writing / critique group. @kais and @Mandamon are also published, and the rest of us are aiming in that direction. @shatteredsmooth, I also love the cover.

That's fair. It just sounded to me like she expected equally billing. Hmm, very interesting, but I got no sense of that before this statement, so it came from the blue, somewhat. Cool! Agree, adorable. I just couldn't remember the names. I don't think they stuck. I suppose some WRS, but than it legitimately could be a little while between reading Book 2 and 3. I mean, it would help me, but I'm only one voice (yes, loud, I know, but still only one ). Not at all, IMO. Good chapters that give the reader emotional rewards Hmm...where are you seeing this? I'll come back to you on this. Presently yawning my head off. Time for bed, said Zebedee.

That sounds ideal!

*spoiler alert!!* (page 3) - "Isn’t there a reddit thread for that?" - LOL. I reckon Reddit would be Caps. (page 4) - "I kind of went off of them" - Okay, I know this is a grammar point, but I need to know the answer to understand the line. Is it a typo, i.e. 'I went off on them', in the sense that he blew up at them (which would be perfectly reasonable for them setting him up without telling him; OR is it as typed, in the sense of 'I went off them', i.e. he didn't like them anymore as friends? (page 5) - "It took every ounce of self-control" - this is good, I like this new internal conflict. - Loving the fencing in this conversation. I think it's really nicely balanced between kind of sweet / hesitant, and also slightly investigator on M's part, knowing her position in this. What is don't remember, or maybe don't know is if she has any kind of relationship back home, any other love interest, or if she is footloose and fancy free. - "running from one bad idea right into another" - Nice line. (page 6) - I can't remember who T and A are, which way around they are, but I guess T is the sk8rgrl she met in class, and at the mixer. (page 7) - "T leaned on M" - Is M still holding T's hand at this point? Not entirely clear: I would like a cue on that. - "T smelled like v---- and a-----" - excellent line. - "M let got of T" - I don't think enough is made of this. That is a long hand-hold. That means something, but it's ignored in the scene. (page 8) - I like the internal struggle in M between healing the wound and not. The kissing doesn't seem to come into the debate but that's fine. I like that M is aware of T's intent, but I'm happy to accept that M doesn't have enough resources to process T's urge at this moment. (page 9) - Phones ringing and buzzing: yes, it's very, very frustrating, which feels completely realistic. It's a bit convenient when it happens, but I'm able to accept it as life intervening. (page 10) - "because her roommate was not only awake, but had company" - This is A, right? Can you say A at the earliest opportunity? I need a reminder of that name to help me keep them straight. - "But I don’t want you to pretend we’re not here..." - Is this A's thought? Unclear, IMO. Also, I don't really understand the thought. That's okay, maybe I'm not supposed to, but I'm reading all sorts of weird and whacky things into it. - No, wait, I'm completely confused. I think there is a presumption here that I understand the geography of the suite, but I don't. There is a common room that is accessed via the front door. It's like a lounge, a comment casual space, linked to the kitchen, I presume, probably open plan? Then the bedrooms are off that common room. But, my assumption is that everyone has their own individual bedroom. This is how it would be in the UK. Multiple small bedroom, like really small, with a desk under a bunkbed. So, I don't understand the use of roommate. It implies that A and M share a bedroom? That seems crazy to me. But I guess there must be twin beds in there? I've been completely fine and enjoying this chapter up to this point, but this is the bit I don't believe. I do not believe that M, in the emotional state she is in, would walk in on her roommate having sex with someone with the intention of lying down in that I'm presuming is a twin bed, so like three, four feet away from the a couple in the throes of a consenting sex act and trying to go to sleep. That's just not plausible. Also, it's actually pretty rude if you think about it, and thoughtless. I never lived in res, but there is a code, is there not? - "Just pretend I’m not here" - No, not in a million years. She knows--on some level--that is an impossibility. - "But I don’t want you to pretend we’re not here. I don’t want you to go to sleep." - I don't buy this either. LOL, I know I'm going around in circles. So, this is M's thought? It's completely unclear to me. (page 11) - "barely making it up the ladder before passing out on the top bunk" - I just can't believe this. However, on another level, I just want M to get some There's a point at which self-denial is just incredibly frustrating for the reader. I'd prefer if you played up M's physical state a little more here, her exhaustion. (page 12) - "the image of the girl in the alley" - I can't remember what this is. Maybe WRS? Dunno. - "spilling your secrets to me" - he really didn't. He's right. He comment is not correct. - "share your bacon" - Tear his head off and *take* the bacon. Friendship ends when there is bacon. - "How many classes do you TA for?" - (page 14) - "Cap is creepy. Kirk is cool,” A said" - Okay, me and A are finished. I'm not in love with Cap, but creepy? Really? And James T. Kirk is many things - brash, swashbuckling, assertive, noble, confident, compelling, commanding, but cool? Never in a month of Sundays. So, my assessment of A's opinions just went through the floor - "still hasn’t forgiven her for it" - ROFL. - Sorry, all this chat about cosplaying is great and all, but this is the end of the chapter. What is the arc? Where is the arc? (page 15) - Decent ending to the chapter, I suppose. But it's all very light and fluffy. I can do light and fluffy, but I feel like I was promised the demon hunting plot of the first chapter and it has disappeared. I need constant reminders that is still relevant, and that there is still darkness and threat in the story. There is no threat in this chapter, really, and IMO that makes it feel like the foot coming way off the gas. Overall I enjoyed plenty about this chapter. There were some really sweet, awkward moments. My problems were that (1) magic and supernatural issue were very much in the background. If I'm reading a story, I'm reading for the genre aspects. I really don't hardly read any general fiction. Like none. I don't mind 'mainstream' aspects being to the fore, but I need a good balance of the 'unreal'. Okay, she heals, she reads minds, she thinks about flying, but the the real problem, I think, is that she has almost completely forgotten or disregarded the supernatural elements of her interest in Mi. (2) M's behaviour when discovering A in flagrante delicto was completely unconvincing to me for various different reasons, both of character and circumstance. (3) Lack of threat, which kind of rolls back into (1). On a general note, I really like the writing. Sure, there are typos all over the place, but I've been good and not done LBLs. The style, the stone: it's good. Another issue, while I'm thinking on style matters. Most of the character voices sound the same to me, which think is less than ideal, but it's a drafting think, and could be dealt with easily enough in pickups at the next edit.

Lilacs can take a long time to flower, I believe. We have one in the front that is 6' tall and only really bloomed 'properly' this year.