Robinski

Comments. (page 1) - "the light seemed darker" - confused. (page 3) - "Lack of luminescent light" - confused. Luminescent means light not generated by heat, but I think WW means visible light, doesn't xy? Also, who is xy addressing? S? But the Ar can change themselves, as E mentions. WW knows this, doesn't xy? (page 4) - "They are like a disease" - Ooh, nice thought. - "made his stomach crumple inward" - it's not much of an argument, this seems like an over reaction to me. (page 6) - "How far up the wall can they go?" - This is disappointing to me. I really enjoyed when S had the idea of going high in the spur of the moment, while trying to battle through. The scene where he shot up and out of the wall was very exciting, and it was great initiation and agency to make the decision in the moment. having it planned out, premeditated is much, much less exciting and satisfying, IMO. (page 7) - "Thus our transit across the wall" - I'm enjoying being aboard the logic train and hearing this theory unfold. (page 8) - "feeling oddly like MC" - awesome! (page 9) - "So it might be possible after all" - Hmm. WW states something as a known fact, then S say, well, no. But it's a really passive moment. Also, is S not saying that he made it possible? That seems to be the key, but no one acknowledges it. "I cannot say what will happen" - but you just did, and S refuted it. (page 10) - "I think I can help" - But he's already doing the one thing (page 12) - "Fascinating,” WW observed." - I've just seen it, WW is Spock. - "as if a ten-foot tall person was sitting right behind him" - I don't feel this image, seems very abstract. - I enjoyed the description of them constructing the... construct of protection. (page 13) - "never taught him anything like this" - Why would this surprise him? I think this is unfair to Or, since there are two houses in use here, three in fact, which Or has now knowledge of. Okay, S may be talking about the technique, but I still think it's unfair on Or. - "If there had been wind, it would have whistled through his hair" - Eh? I think most of the whistling when travelling at speed comes from the motion of the person relative to the air. The wind in the hair is a misnomer. I don't think it's got anything to do with wind. If there had been any air in the wall, they would have felt it whistling, regardless of any wind being present. (page 14) - "It was the music of the wall itself" - fantastic line. - "back was to them and she reached the other side first, bursting through like a projectile" - I was thrown here. As they approached, there was no sense of them relying themselves to go through the wall, so this felt anticlimactic to me. We got description of the El, but nothing about S readying himself for the last push, the moment of breakthrough. I sounds from the description like they just stroll up to the wall and saunter through. "projectile out of a cannon" - I just don't feel this. And pushing El away from her in a sphere" - it's the sphere that pushes them away--the construct--not En. I have trouble with what is happening here: it's very difficult to grasp. En shoots out of the wall, but the others don't make it through? That's hard to follow because En is shoot like from a canon. In the time it take to describe that, the others would be through, travelling at that speed. (page 15) - "flew through the air in slow motion" - Okay, but I think the description needs to be much clearer. Can she be flung out of the bubble when it comes to a crashing halt? Maybe she even manages to shoot through a hole between the El even as the bubble begins to slow. I don't know, I found it hard to relate to the physics of what happened. (page 16) - "Would he dissolve like the Ef" - Why would he doubt this would be the case? It would be more engaging if he made a positive statement, I think. 'He would dissolve like the Eff'. (page 18) - "NOW MORE PARTS OF MY BEING ARE HERE" - I don't like the vagueness of this statement, specifically 'more parts'. How many is more, 10, 100, 1,000? Is there a critical mass that permits the entity to see him? More parts is effectively meaningless, it seems to me. (page 21) - "The surface of the wall crawled toward him" - I feel like there are mixed messages in the references to the distance and the wall approaching (or not). The pacing here seems uneven. How long is too long? Can he not just run to the wall, and it gets closer? He accelerated himself last time. (page 22) - Nice last line. I suggested a slight tweak in the LBLs I sent, for impact. Overall Good chapter. I like this and I like how it ends with him bursting out into the air. If anything, I think that image deserves another line or two to really driver it home, but I think the symbolism of him bursting back into the Imp and being free (albeit really high up!!) is an excellent one. Nicely done.

I'm a glutton for punishment. I discovered Blacksad in the Vigrin Megastore on the Champs Élysées, in Paris. The French are big into their graphic novels and the store has massive GN section. I have Books 4 and 5 in French, but I need to stop every two or three panels to look stuff up, my French is not quite good enough to read without a translation tool. But darn it, I love those stories and I am not going to wait!! Wiki advises the following "The sixth and seventh volumes were supposed to have been released in French in 2016. In 2019, both volumes 6 and 7 are almost ready to be published in France. English translations will follow but no release date has been confirmed."

Okay, I'm going to try and do this without LBLs, but I'm not promising anything. Need to get caught in time for next week! (page 1) - Good epigraph. My only thing is I'm not sure what enclave is being referred to. - Who is the 'they' that ended up. It starts as if S is on his own. And what enclosure is it that's referred to? - "You were not so insistent before" - Excellent. Glad someone is questioning this. (page 3) - "by their omission" - Not really clear what xy is getting at with this statement. (page 4) - "I have to take them through the wall" - Who's one is this? - "brusque tone and lack of empathy" - LOL, I think Ori should get the credit for this - "made a noise" - What kind of noise? Much more evocative to see he grunted (or whatever). (page 5) - "It wouldn’t help to worry about them now. Once he’d found out they were alright, then he’d let himself worry" - This makes no sense to me. Once he knows they are alright, then he will worry about them? (page 6) - "playing pipes, or a F beating drums, or something else" - I don't think I have ever had any sense of this. - "dispersed to the h-worlds" - I don't see how this thought follows. - "The P’s building" - Confused, I thought they were going to the wall? The way I read it, they were heading to this P house, but it turns out just to be local background. It's nice background, but I don't really feel invested in it when the characters have just got the momentum going. I did start to skim as it became more than half a page. (page 11) - Then, there is background on the Crack, then there is background on WW and the Pru. Having one background segment after another, after another is very slow, for me. It's interesting, but I feel it would come over better if these things were spread out and not all lumped together here when I want forward motion. (page 13) - "A family. That’s what we are" - I don't feel this at all. Has that group even been al together on the page at all? If they have, it's been for a very short timespan, I feel. I could maybe be convinced that S, E, I and O, R and C(?) might be considered a family, but Re and Kh have for the most part been in conflict with the group, quite significantly at times. I mean, I could believe that S, E and I could come to be a family, but this big group, I don't feel that. (page 18) - he took a step off the edge of the bridge and back into the endless crystal" - Confused. This makes is sound like S is outside the crystal on the bridge. Does the bridge come into the wall? I assumed it stopped at the surface of the wall, and that no part of the bridge was inside the wall. This wording implies that is the case, that there is no part of the bridge inside the wall, IMO. (page 19) - "breath trying to escape his body. They couldn’t be here. They had to get back" - I really do feel the tension, the panic, the pressure, Nicely done. (page 20) - "who was closer to her" - Who is her here? (page 23) - "like running through falling glass and rain and mirrors while underwater" - I like this *because* it makes not sense. Rain underwater? I get it! (page 24) - "at the expanse above him" - expanse of what? I need an image here. (page 25) - This last line--for me--is weak. They didn't go through the first time, really, so they can't go back through And En having the last word here does not feel sufficiently weighty to me. I think it needs to be S, and I think the line needs to be stronger. Overall Good chapter, it worked pretty well for me, certainly the second half, but the first half dragged. They make a decision then set off, then we get not just one piece of background, but three pieces in a row. I was skimming by the end because I wanted to get on with the journey to the wall. Once we got there, I though that worked very well. It's been worked over two / three times now? It's really starting to zing, I like it. Oh, and those LBLs I wasn't going to do... I haven't emailed them to you

So, like, all the time... And hey?! So, this is my fault now? @Snakenaps, Blacksad is originally in French (or maybe Spanish, actually), but there are English translations of the first three books in one hardbound volume. Books 4 and 5 are still just in French, and Spanish, I think, off the top of my head.

Oh, I just wanted to put these here, because (per my LBL comments) these are what came to my mind while reading, in the best way possible. The Blacksad books are phenomenal, gumshoe stories in period ~50s/60s, with the amount of 'PC' that goes with that, as you may see from the picture.

I'm going to disagree with this. If all the world detail came afterwards, for me, it would feel false, as Ir and the family would be all het up about her sister and stressed out, and would not be giving all this nice, rich detail about the world, and stories from the docks, etc. I agree there is too much detail about the family, but it would be easy enough to trim that down without losing any of the actual information. I think this chapter could remain as is, but easily have 25% of the words cut out, which would make it flow much better. p.s. Name of the Wind too, very slow at the start, but then... slow all the way through. I see that @Sarah B was in the same column in terms of the pacing, so I make two

Heya, I'll send detailed comments separately, but here are some notes from my perspective. - Too many character names to track in the first chapter. There must be somewhere between 20 and 30 names and it's way too much to remember. I know you have a massive lexicon of world-building, but putting it all in the first chapter is really hard on the reader, IMO. It starts to get frustrating, and as each new name comes, it sticks out more and more as an issue, and feels less and less natural in narrative, I think. (This comments comes when I was delivered the names of her elder sisters kids). - I don't think the timeline of the chapter is realistic. My daughter works in hospitality, in a fairly high-end restaurant (front of house). They do not finish work to really late, and the kitchen staff don't get to go home until all the meals are finished, and the kitchen is cleared up. It was presented that Ir did not go home until the were closed, in fact she locked up, I think. So, by the time she gets home, and it's noted that it is dark, all the people in her family will be completely famished and ill have missed their mealtime by a long way. People in hospitality do not eat meals with their family. And she's home before the dock workers? That doesn't scan for me. They would be working in pitch black, which would be very dangerous and counterproductive for lifting heavy stuff, and breakages and damage to cargoes. Okay, I guess maybe they have to work when the ships come in. But what would the young children not be fed at a reasonable time of day? They should be in bed long ago. Summary: I don't believe the timeline. - I'm a bit thrown off by the mix of characters. So, Ir and her family are 'humans', effectively? But it seems that everyone else is an animal of some sort. That seems odd to me, just somehow not quite right. - Confused. Pem is the country, and Bor is the old capital, but it still has a palace, which I suppose is okay, and yet it sounds to me like the BK has set up in Bor's palace and not in the main palace in Pem's current capital? (page 26) - "would rather die than let my children suffer under the BK’s rule" - I'm not really feeling the stakes at this point. All we've really heard about is the BK imposing regulation, rules and restrictions; it's not exactly the Third Reich, East Germany or Stalinist Russia. The sister's reaction seems disproportionate to what I've heard. Surely, the BK has done worse than is coming across, to justify her reaction? --- And while I'm here "I’m not a traitor for fighting for my home" - She's missing the point of the comment, which I thought was clear enough. She will be treated as a traitor by the BK, of course. I think she's smart enough to know that is how the comment was meant, surely. Overall I think I will put summation reaction to the chapters in the forum threads, although I will email you back detailed LBL comments. I don't mind a slow chapter at the start of a book, although I know a lot of folks don't like it, and it's considered less marketable in some quarters, for some reason. I don't think that's a reason not to do it. I take the example of Fellowship of the Ring, where the start is really slow. Okay, you can say that's the exception, my point is, I don't mind this sort of pace in the start, when I see a world opening up. Now, the narrative itself is a bit slow, and I would suggest that the chapter can be pruned down in length, and made to flow smoother and quicker just be refining the narrative, but I don't think you would so that until a later pass. There is a lot of detail, a lot. Just because you have a whole encyclopaedic wiki of information, you really don't--and I think shouldn't--be tempted to cram so much into the first chapter. It's too much like a history lesson to me. I don't mind some of that detail, but there is a fair amount that can be cut. I mean, there are lots of darlings in this first chapter, I think that's clear to see. I like the emotional arc of the chapter, there is much tension and angst in the last scene, which I think blew up really well and left me at the end of the chapter with some real stakes in terms of what her sister's intentions are. That's fine, but that is going to happen off stage, so I hope that it, or some other inciting incident happens early in Chapter 2 in order to push or pull Ir into action. Thanks for sharing. I am enjoying plenty about this story so far, and I am intrigued to see how Ir gets drawn into the main plot, as she does not seem to have any special skills, or be in a special position, so that will be interesting. So far, I am entertained

Good point, and I was not really thinking in those terms. It was lines like 'no plans for tomorrow' that threw me off. I think if S was more antsy about not contacting the maj because En and In weren't ready that might help remind me in reading why we weren't getting on with making progress. Well, I mean you're not going to pick an evil-sounding name for yourself, are you? I'll look back where I've mentioned them together and see if I can make the distinction bigger. I think if they were the other way around blessed sounds pretty unequivocally good, whereas pillars could be seen as rigid and intransigent. Oh, wait. The pillars are bad? Maybe it's just WRS on my part. If I had thought about this when reading them the first time I might not have had this problem. Did the two names appear at the same time, in a way that would encourage me to establish a protocol for telling them apart, or do they come into the story at different times? It's okay: it's me. To me, this is sort of, out of sight, out of mind, for these characters. The three have a lot to resolve between them, which is almost as much a plot point to me as the main Elg thread. Also, presumably the maji are fighting them in the other section. I don't know...I'll have to ponder this one. I think if S had some thoughts (maybe repeated a couple of times per chapter) along the lines of being confident that the maj were taking the fight to the El, then I'd be less concerned that they did not seem all that fussed about what is going on elsewhere. Or, if the stakes were higher in this fact with El, someone was monitoring them trying (but failing) to make an incursion through some barrier or channel or something, then the three could be conflicted between staying to protect this facet and going back to the other one. Dunno. Tricky balance. I think the key is stakes. The reader knows how huge the stakes are in the Imp. What are the stakes here? It's less clear, and they don't seem as significant. What is the Eff here was touch and go to survive (which I don't get any sense of), and the citizens are restless, and maybe there is some dissension against the Ar here, and the danger of someone trying to foment a pogrom. Maybe then I'd feel the stakes here were on a par with the other facet.

Comments. (At which point, I do believe I am caught up, for like a day and half ). (page 2) - "None have as yet" - This feels really important, but I never really got the sense in reading through these chapters first time around that there was a ticking bomb in relation to the El gaining access to this facet. Something like that would add to the urgency of this POV, and I think would counter (some of) the issues I had with the repetition of going to the wall and back, going to the wall, and back, etc. - "He still wasn’t comfortable wearing it" - maybe WRS on my part, but I don't remember what this does. Has it been mention in this book? I feel like it was last mentioned in Book 2. Might need more of a reminder as to what it does. (page 4) - "In scooted beside him" - This is a fast motion. Can he not sidle, or step, or amble; something more casual? Even scooched(?) is a more relaxed, amiable sounding motion. 'scooted' to me sounds like In is agitated, alarmed or something. (page 6) - The background about the food is all very nice, but it feels like filler to me. It's two pages that could be summed up in a paragraph. (page 8) - "but why hadn’t the prophet told him others wanted to meet him" - Because they did. This seems really obvious. - "stay out of" vs. 'avoid' - This is a style thing, so I apologise for raising it, as it's not really my place, maybe. But, I am noticing a lot in this book instances of three of four short words being used when a perfectly well known, but only slightly more 'complex' word exists that is designed to perform the function, like here. Surely, a massively complex 'entity' like the N, which has a bespoke translation function within it, would translate to the most appropriate word to ensure the greatest directness of communication? (page 9) - "I thought it would be easier..." - But these Ar are in their own forms, so it's pretty obvious why it's not easier, surely? (page 10) - "They were darkening" - We've had this image already a few pages back. This feels like repetition. - "The buildings in this city were shorter" - More background detail. I'm struggling with the lack of pace in this chapter, and the lack of character motivation / agency. - "earthy smell of roasted root vegetables" - more food talk. - "were beginning to spiral" - This happened two or three pages back too. (page 12) - "nestled on a bench between..." - doesn't sound very special. - "Soon S found a profusion of food before him" - The food was loaded on the tables when they arrived. This seems inconsistent within the character perspective. (page 14) - "like sweet rice buns" - more food. (page 15) - I feel like this is the first physical description of In I've had in three books. I suppose that can't be right, but this is by far the most vivid and specific that I can remember. I guess it just feels a little odd to be coming so late, but it may be forgetfulness on my part. (page 16) - They start walking towards the meal on Page 2, and the meal finished on Page 15. Fourteen pages of walking to and eating a meal. I know there is some material in there that leads to character growth, but it just really kills the pace of the story. I know that characters have to eat, but we don't need 2,500 words to see that. - "They waddled back to the medical center without speaking" - I didn't get this at all. I don't think I can recall another instance of the narrative aiming for humour, so this popped me right out of this new section straight away. I can hear a character saying it, or thinking it, but in the narrative it completely threw me. - Annnd... we're still talking about food. - "In and S hustled En to the last doorway by mutual consent." - ooh, this feel wrong. The fact that it needs to be said that it involves her consent, I think, is a flag that this perhaps is not working. I DO NOT mean in a sexual harassment kind of way, NOT AT ALL, but the section is using that kind of imagery, which makes me uncomfortable. Why are they not all hustling? Why is it not a male and a female hustling the other male instead fo two makes hustling the female? Follow up: Given what is inside In, is there not a fair chance that she would just rip the two of them to shreds? I don't see any need for anyone to be hustling at all, let alone two people hustling the third. Why is En not just as eager as the other two? Why--given that they are stuffed with food--can't they just walk down a corridor at a normal pace? As a reader, I do not want to be distract by unnecessary details that confuse me when the important thing is the 'conversation' that is about to take place. That is what I want to be concentrated on. (page 17) - "placed on the upper half of the walls" - feels incomplete as an image. In my mind they are hanging in space. Are they on brackets, glued to the wall, in recesses? (page 18) - "En swung to him" - I feel like so often, movements and actions that could, and should, be full of emotion, of weight, of carefully considered purpose, are reduced to quick, urgent motions. To me, it renders the wrong emotional tone. (page 19) - "one of the Pillars instead of the Blessed" - I cannot keep straight in my head which one of these is the good one, and which is the bad. I think the problem (for me) is that blessed sound like the good ones, but in fact are the bad, and pillars is a kind of neutral word that does not create a strong feeling one way or another. I guess it sounds noble. So, they are both positive to a degree, one more than the other. (page 20) - "It will take time, but we can stay here until you’re better" - This is a real motivation and stakes killer. he's ready to abandon any previously stated intention of fighting back agains the El. Very noble, but these are not the main stakes of the book. (page 21) - "Now he didn’t know which he liked better" - but he's never been intimate or even touched an Ar, has he? How would he know this? (page 22) - "She wasn't wearing anything." - There's definitely a very specific and clearer word for this. I feel like this language is putting a barrier between the reader and the intimacy of the moment, which seems to me to defeat the purpose. - "I had to, er, make all my clothes anyway" - Too much language, too many words deflecting us from the emotion of the moment. I don't care why En doesn't have any clothes at this point. She dropped them on the floor for all it matters. If she's trying to kill the mood, she's succeeding. (page 23) - "Good thing we don’t have any plans tomorrow" - Eh, the invasion? Man and Or and Ri could be dead in a ditch? - "The next few days passed in the same way" - I really have missed something. What happened to contacting the maji? (page 24) - "“It’s the maji, isn’t it,” she guessed, and reluctantly, S nodded." - I don't get it. Why haven't thy tried to contact them? Why are En and In so completely unconcerned and oblivious. I must have forgotten something. I must have. - "They’re probably worried sick" - for or five days, more: ya think? I struggle with how this is in character for these three, who are very analytical and sensitive to the world around them, to just ditch their maji. (page 25) - This sudden worry and concern seems hollow after them swanning around enjoying themselves for the last half a ten day. (page 26) - "The sooner we open the portal, the sooner we’ll get back to it" - Does it matter now? Why now? (page 32) - At the end, the concern for the other maj feels far too late, so it doesn't convince me. Also, I've read the attempts to form portal enough times now that I'm not really seeing them properly, so not sure I have any comment to make. Overall - I struggled with this chapter. it just felt really slow to me. Nothing happened really until the hammock seen, but which time I was not really in the right place for it, I think. It was good, but I felt there was several barriers between me and the intimacy. I get that S is reserved, and the other two also are maybe hesitant, but I don't think that means we need all the intimacy muted in that way. It could have a much bigger impact as a scene. LBLs sent separately.

I totally came around on R's POV in the last book, to the point that he is one of my favourite voices in the whole shebang, because his voice is so strong, and opinionated, where maybe one or two of the others are less so. Brash and brazen, for me, always sets the sparks flying. (Why are you not surprised by this, I wonder? ). So, I am totally here for R's POV being present and being loud and inflammatory. My difficult really was that I didn't see the consistency in the thread of his thought process.

Sounds like an established term to me. I've heard it plenty of times all over the place, including on WE. While I'm here, I didn't have a problem with the talking heads approach to the chapter itself. I thought there was bags of tension in the body language and the arguing. My problems were I was completely lost in the logic of it, and it R's increasingly (again) detestable position. All he has seen in the two books is the LC and the Ar imprison, torture and kill people, and use reprehensible methods to enforce their will based on some kind of body-shaming cult on the world and he thinks that's the ideology that is going to 'free' the N? He's just so misguided, and it seems so transparently wrong that I find it impossible to give him the benefit of the doubt as being 'grey'. (Sorry, I thought I was done ranting. Apparently not ).

Comments. (page 1) - This is one of the driest and hardest to get swept up in epigraphs I can remember. It feel overlong and, it seems such an obvious explanation of what is likely to happen in the chapter, because of the title that I wonder if the information could not be quite easily conveyed within the chapter. Like an epilogue or a prologue, I think of epigraphs being there to convey information that it is not possible to do in the main narrative. This doesn't seem to be the case here. (page 2) - "a bloodbath so quick he would’ve missed it had he not been watching carefully" - contradiction here. If it's a bloodbath, by definition, there is blood everywhere, literally bathing the surroundings. So, even if it happened in an instant, the remnants of the blood would still be visible as a sign of what had happened. So, there's no way it could escape his notice, which I think is the feeling of his thoughts. - "Why had they saved him?" - This line is very important, I think, and it's not part of the thoughts in the paragraph. I think it deserves to be on its own, which also allows a smoother transition into the next paragraph. (page 3) - "columns arched" - meh, IMO columns don't arch, they go straight up. The arching bit would be an arch, not a column. - "picked up one boot to see slabs" - but he can see the slabs around his boot, surely? What has picking up his boot got to do with seeing the slabs? Confused. (page 5) - "Your mind moves between the corridors of power, as ours do" - This is a nice line, but I don't quite follow the message. Are they indeed saying the R is like the Ar, thinks like them, has their kind of attitude to the world, and to power structures? It's an interesting thought, and I'd like it expanded upon just a bit, for clarity. - "The voice caught his attention" - But no, surely he's already looking at the that conversation. What brought his attention to it was the Ar pointing at it, so his attention is already caught when he hears the voice. He's still looking right at them in that moment, surely. (page 6) - "Instead, there were five Coalition leaders, talking" - Confused. Where is this? it was described before as only N and J talking. Are there in fact five in that group? And then the last sentence in this paragraph jumps to a different thought about R being protected. That should be a new paragraph surely? It feels really jumpy around here. - "You can help us with that" - how, I still don't see it. (page 8) - So, J has been replaced by one of the Ar. I'm just trying to get the point of this argument, since both N and 'J' are on the same side? Is it just to convince everyone else around them that 'J' is the real 'J', or is it to generate dissent? I'm not clear on the purpose of this conversation, and whether it's real or not. (page 10) - Wait, N doesn't know that this is not the real 'J'? How can that be, he was right there, was he not? - "They are all physically the perfection of their kind" - I don't see how this follows. It seems to be based on the assumption that the first one is the ideal form, but they have no way of knowing that. Just because all the El look the same doesn't automatically mean that is the ideal form surely. I don't see how that logic flows. - "the other leaders clambering over each other" - None of them has said a word, have they? this seems unlikely to me. (page 11) - "favoring only those who take part in the A" - confused by this. Some Sa are maji. But also, don't they hate all the imp maj, regardless of whether they are in the assembly or not? What different does it make them being in the assembly? They're still not Sa, and therefore not the ideal form. - "The one who had knifed his E" - More confusion. Wasn't it N who stabbed the Ef on the bridge into the wall? The wording implies it wasn't N. NO WAIT, this is R thinking that he himself agrees with N. But, has it been established that this is what R wants, to overthrow the Imp, the whole structure of the assembly?!!! I know he is dissatisfied, but I never got this level of revolution from him that I can remember. He must know that the only way they will be overthrown is if they are killed en masse, surely, or at least brutally put down, jailed, whatever. R is basically an anarchist. I've never thought this of him before. It seriously affects my view of him, not in a good way. I thought we were passed this, but I guess not. (page 12) - "He’d seen poor families on his world, when the maji were given money to throw away" - Too simplistic, IMO. It sounds from this line that he's going to into a big diatribe in his mind about the injustices of the way the maj operate, but it goes nowhere, just stops. This is not enough, I think, to justify a whole radical internal philosophy that overturns everything he has been taught and worked towards for the last several years(?). (page 13) - "the one we should emulate" - Eh?!! But this surely is a nonsense statement. The cult of F is about being a physical match for the IF, is it not? No Sa can match the form of a El. This statement must either be complete lunacy or utter heresy, isn't it? - "who didn’t hold him back in time" - Hmm, not sure I believe that they can just be incompetent when it suits the plot. - "was on him in an instant, knife drawn, stalking forward" - contradiction. If he is on R, he doesn't need to stalk forwards. 'on him' implies physically on him, so there is no distance between them. (page 14) - "to find a way out of this" - No, I'm confused again. We've just heard that R agrees with N's goals. What does he need to get out of? Surely he supports N, does he not? Okay, N is threatening him, but surely he needs to convince N that he supports N's position? But now he seems to be going along with what 'J' is advocating, that the Sa should emulate the El? I'm completely lost by the logic of what is going on. (page 15) - "this is yer chance" - I just don't understand R's position at all. How can he possibly believe that the LC's intentions are noble? I thought we had been through this in the last book, and that R had had a realisation that the LC were bad. I just don't get it. How dense must he be not to see that their methods are cruel and murderous? They tried to physically destroy the assembly and everyone in it. And yet, R's thoughts sort of implied that this is what he wants too, maybe not in that way, but the end result, which he must see can only come about through violence and death. And then he thinks the Sa will just give the power to the people and/or act completely fairly? I just don't think it's plausible after what he has seen. - "You and I, we shall confront the El" - Huh?! So N just changes his mind instantly. 'Oh, you were my enemy about half-an-hour ago: let's be allies? (page 16) - "Agreed, J noted" - So now J has just rolled over to accept N's position. What about the other elders here? They have bee almost completely absent from this discussion, and yet don't they have a say, do they not make a majority? I can't clearly recall their position, and I'm just so confused. - "though whether for the N" - No. No, no, no. He doesn't get to decide he wants to tears the N apart, decide that he supports the regime that imprisoned all of his friends at one time or another, and wants the assembly destroyed, and then, right at the end of the chapter, decide nah, maybe not. I just want to go home! Overall I had massive problems with this chapter. I bounced off it really hard. R's motivation is all over the place. I've got now sense of what he wants, and he seems completely inconsistent about it. Not in a doubtful, conflicted kind of way, but in a way that involves deciding one thing, the completely undermining it. I don't understand the debate between the two factions in the Sa leaders, and then without warning they seems to reach some sort of agreement that is unclear and I don't understand what happened. I found it really, really hard to invest in anything in this chapter, and I'm still totally unclear what R believe, what his position is and how he will act going forward. This chapter seems to have torn up and lot of his character development from previous appearances although, honestly, I can't remember how it turned out before. I know he wasn't satisfied, but he seems ready just to jump into the arms of a murderous rebel who wants to destroy everything that R admits he is missing right at the end of the chapter, effectively invalidating all the soul-searching and decisions he made during the chapter. I'm kind of dreading R's next POV now, because I have no clue what is going on with him.

Comments. (page 2) - "It was so quiet she could hear the bell at the end of her braid chime as they walked" - I would imagine she could hear this in most circumstances. A bell ringing (like a phone) tends to cut through hubbub. (page 3) - "I would think to see more escaping at one time" - Confused, what's his point? (page 5) - "blue-ish winged" - this is rather awkward. Are they not just blue? Why blue-is? (page 7) - "If I am to be just" - Hard to read a fragment of O's speech and get the sense of it. (page 8) - "as starting to move towards the gate" - I think they've waited too long The things must be right on top of them based on their rate of movement. And they need to go at the old E's pace, not their own. But wait... "If they waited much longer" this seems contradictory. I thought they had started moving already. (page 9) - I can't follow what Car is doing with the wall. Fingers? (page 12) - "They wouldn’t be fast enough" - Yep, this was my thought four pages ago. R is more astute than that, to only realise this now and not when she had time to think about it all that time the El were approaching from blocks away. (page 13) - "a natural chokepoint, inside the wall" - I don't understand. So, is this bit not wide enough to ten walking shoulder to shoulder? The earlier description of the gateway does not leave room for a natural chokepoint. (page 14) - "They’d taken so long to get to this point" - I think she means in their relationship, but it's not clear. Could be a reference to the chase. - "She took another step forward, but hesitated, uncertain what to do" - this whole bit with R's tension trying to come up with something to save O and having nothing is excellent tension. (page 15) - "They’ll come after us if we don’t stop them" - This is desperately obvious. We're well acquainted with this by now, don't need R to be saying what evident to any and all in her group. - "The shield of air popped into being, blocking the opening" - What shield and what opening? (page 16) - "she called over the hideous voices" - R should not have to call over another maj. These are 'professional' magic users and must have some motivation and common sense of their own. Surely they would take some initiative in this situation, seeing the O needed assistance. (page 17) - "make this concoction evade" - What concoction? (page 18) - "slick of evasiveness" - evasion is a positive action taken by by an entity acting positively, I feel. So, I don't follow the use in this instance. Is it the barrier that is the 'slick of evasiveness'? I feel that it would be more of an 'obstruction' as it, in itself, is passive. (page 19) - I'm not really getting a clear picture that they are acting together to build something. - "You’re alright,” she whispered to him. “I’ve got you" - Lovely, tender moment in the middle of all this madness. Excellent. (page 21) - The logic of R's deductions confused me. The El can still have an overall plan that is formulated by their leaders. Just because they dissolve doesn't mean they are not following a strategy, it seems to me. Surely it is reasonable to assume that they could be a hive mind, in which case the soldiers transmit on-the-ground details to their 'queen' (whatever) through their eyes before they dissolve. (page 25) - "but left him his dignity for now" - ooh, harsh. She'll come back and take it later, will she? Also, "She’d make certain he slept well tonight" - there are two ways to take this. I must say I assumed the lascivious one: my bad . (page 27) - "with his long steps" - I'd imagine his steps would be shorter because of his weakened state. (page 28) - "centipede-like things" - this phrase is awkward, also, not all the threatening-sounding. (page 29) - All that exposition about the Gr, it's too much for me, it feels either totally irrelevant, or a very heavy plot stick. - "what body language the two species shared" - Excellent moment, O's reaction, lol. (page 30) - "passed a hand up her face" - I don't know what this looks like. (page 31) - "They spoke with us, so they are intelligent" - No, I don't see how this can be inferred. The El may be capable of repeating a message, or transmitting a message from sone kind of mental link, but have no actual intelligence of their own. (page 33) - "over two months ago" - So, I forget, what is a lightening then? No, so, there are three 10 days in a month? - "what works on them" - this is a weak phrase. I think it needs more energy. It's very passive, compared to something like 'How to kill / injure / hurt them.' or 'What their weaknesses are.' R is a pretty aggressive character. I think the language needs an upgrade here, and in any similar places. (page 34) - "We must watch them feed" - but there's no certainty that what they are doing is feeding. How can they be feeding if that action causes them to appear to be destroyed. That is kind of the opposite of what 'feeding' is supposed to do, is it not? - Nice ending line, although I think the ending loses a bit of punch because of all the people speaking on the last page. Then again, that shows them cooperating, which is good. I think maybe overall that ending could be brought home of R finished off the chapter with an additional line at the end, something pithy and aggressive like "Well, we know someone who can." Overall I like a lot about this chapter, and there is good action and good portaging. There were some details that I felt let it down a bit, and some confusing areas and passages that could do with some tidying up. I think it works better than the last incarnation. I did enjoy a lot about it.

Hmmm...this was an attempt to show that they're outside the Net and so aren't seeing the "smoothing" of communications between species. May be to complex to really show. It's a really nice idea. I'm sure there must be a way to make it work. I would like it to work, and to still be there. Maybe just needs a lantern on it, something like: 'R waved her arm and HD started. R jerked her hand down again. I hope I've not just blurted something horribly offensive. We really do take the N's translation for granted, don't we?

Comments. (page 1) - It feels a little odd to be here, in the immediately aftermath of the attack on the eff, as late as Chapter 6 in the story. Am I right in saying that this is the first time we hear Elg mentioned? I can't remember if S, I and E know that name. They must do. That's my WRS. This opening, even in the first couple of lines, feels more urgent and intense that Man's POV, and conveys a lot of information very quickly, whereas Man's POV conveys less information less immediately. I know you've reordered the POVs before. I don't know, this one just very quickly struck me as more compelling than Man's. - "someone after my own n" - awesome line. <3 O. - R thinks banal of O, but she seems to be thinking the same thing about the colours, really. Seems a bit hypocritical. (page 2) - sending LBLs separately again. Minor stuff. (page 3) - trying to process what happened" - She's been processing for two pages. This thought seems late to the party. - “Not all at once,” R said. She waved her hands at the three L. “One a time. What do you want? We’re new here.”" - WHOA!! Hang on a minute. HD brought them here, so HD must know where this is, and has already demonstrated that by explaining things about the room. R is being incredibly rude overriding HD, to whom this place must be personal. (page 4) - is a vial a glass? To me, a vial is a very particular shape associated with the storage of chemicals, poison, etc., as opposed to a drinking glass. I giggled 'vial' and got many images like this: Just seems to me that the description is inconsistent. - a strange sense of hospitality" - offering refreshment to weary travellers does not seem strange to me. Especially given that their hosts do not know the situation. - "answer M A’s question as to where we are" - that was over two pages ago. Completely forgotten about the question by now. (page 5) - "She referred to the musical instrument upon which she performed, and which she was named after" - There are two grammatical forms here of the same type, but a different form is used for each one. It's confusing to my brain. 'upon which she performed', it seems to me, logically, would be followed by 'after which she was named'. Having said that, this is a more formal form which does not appear much in the prose at all. I think maybe more 'everyday' phrasing would fit better. - "Still, it was certainly art, no matter what one called it" - I get the point, but my first reaction was 'Well, one just called it art.' - "looked around as if counting" - I think it's way too late for him only now to be counting to see where Re is. They've been here for what, ten minutes? Re is a talkative chap, and no shrinking violet. I think they would have noticed his absence by now. Surely, the first reaction on escaping from somewhere as a group is to do a head count? - "R asked" - but she's making a statement here. This sounded weird to me, as a tag. it's flanked by two statements. (page 6) - The flow feels really jumpy around here. They were talking about one thing, then jumped to Re then jumped to the elg. - "R almost grinned" - Eh? The tone seems to be swinging wildly here. R has been very earnest the whole time, a grin, when they've just realise Re is missing, seems inappropriate. - "like a branch breaking in the wind" - we had the branch breaking image just recently. - Still jumpy. We go from considering the portals back to the apprentices being missing. I know the maj are sort of arguing, but it's quite distracting and hard to focus on a line of thought. (page 7) - Perhaps if we were to be testing them" - another different subject, although I do expect it of Or. My issue is the narrative jumping around. - "HD jumped at the gesture" - but surely the L must be used to meth and other races using hand gestures to emphasise their speech. This must happen a hundred times a day when the L are around other species. I did not buy this reaction. I like the idea, but HD must be well used to this. - "dug at her eyes" - Huh? I can't picture this. (page 8) - "could even affect my signing" - awesome line, completely convincing of the setting and the race, feels very natural. Overall This chapter started well for me, but I got rather frustrated with it as 'its' attention seemed to stay all over the place in the middle. Some of R's behaviour was off, for me, particularly her rudeness in demanding to know where they were when Cleary HD had brought them to somewhere that she knew. Secondly, in asking about accommodation only for her and O. I get she is under stress, but still, these instances felt off for me. Otherwise, as per comments.

That sounds like a good plan. You've earned a change!

Thank you all for commenting again, and for all your wonderful, insightful and extremely helpful feedback through this submission 'saga'. It's a great sign, I think, that I am actually burning to dive right back in at the start of the story and beginning editing again, but I am going to be disciplined, and plan set TCC aside for a couple of months to let all these excellent editing ideas mature. I'll keep trying to tell you how much help everyone has been. Yous; are; the; best. p.s. detailed response to this feedback in the next day or two, I hope

Hi Asmodemon, Ah, well... Maybe not like LMM, but... Accepted, and @kais pointed out how I had flubbed this at the moment of their physical reunion in the habitat, which I have edited a fair bit to deliver more emotion there, I think. The problem is that E is rather heinously involved in the experimentation on N, but I had not brought out the right response to that in the plot. So, she needs to 'go away', and E is somewhat broken by it, of course. Awesome. I am rather pleased with it. The 'star line' from the poem is quite often used in the wrong context, as N used it. It was particularly satisfying to let M have the moment, since it would have been easy to give the lines to Q. Many thanks for reading and commenting!

I also like this idea. Not just that Q. would be forced to work with DM, but that DM would also be forced to work with Q., showing even more clearly that there is a hidden villain pulling the strings and that DM has lost control Yeah. I'm thinking maybe DM redirects them to Level 6 rather the Q, which answer another critique question. Yup. I'm happy to go that way, of making him stronger, and having DM still alive gives me a subject that he can display his terrible might on for the others to see. The second failsafe is a great idea. There is a slight snag, in that N has been able to operate digitally basically thorough the entire story. Still, I think there is a mechanism that will work. Much obliged for the suggestion, it's very helpful Yeah, I think this is virtually guaranteed. D doesn't really have any great lines that I can think of that Kr could not deliver. I think it can work. Great redirect. Thanks!

Sorry about that As luck would have it, I'm in the process of editing Book 1, Chapters 1 to 4 for submission to an agent. It is in Chapter 2 that M's nickname is first mentioned, so I have the perfect opportunity to insert some logical explanation as to why it's 'mother' and not 'mama' I just need to figure out what that is. I think the easiest explanation is that they spoke English in the house, or her mother was of English-speaking decent. Thanks again

A thousand apologies for the lateness of this critique. (page 1) - "they have been the one part of the Symphony held in a sort of awe" - The only part, really? (page 4) - I'm doing LBLs in a tracked file, so less comment here. It's been all mechanical stuff up to now, but... "would be completely filled with them" - How do you define filled? Seems to me there is no way to define it adequately, because you can always with another one in the gap between people. When is New Your full? I bet they are still cramming folk in!! (page 5) - "are leaving for the home worlds, until authorities are figuring out what to do about..." - Yaaaah. So prophetic. What an eerie resonance to present times. - "He doubted all of M Imp and L Imp were so deserted" - not sure about the accentuation of the negative here. I feel like this would be more evocative if he was commenting on there still being hundreds of vulnerable people remaining in this area, panning, afraid and not being looked after. (page 7) - "gain some small measure of value in the deaths today" - but they could have caught one without anyone dying today. I don't see the link between these two things. I don't see that the deaths in any way contribute to their ability to catch one of these things, really. - "you walking mousetrap" - ROFL. These two are the Thomson and Thompson of this escapade. Excellent! - "they were at heart a bunch of scientists, after all" - Oh, no!! (page 10) - "which only one person had managed to affect" - I don't understand this reference. What is 'which', the voids, the creature? I don't think it's clear from context. (page 11) - "The other four found them there, recovering from their brief fight" - I find this kind of vague, like it's in the wrong POV, or maybe it's passive. I tried to think how I would say it and came up with "They were still recovering from the fight when the other four returned." (page 12) - "The Eff had looked much as he did" - this paragraph, I have several issues. For one thing, Man has not seen the Eff for some time I believe, whereas this sound like he just saw him. I don't think he's well placed to make this judgement, or to judge that there was something different about him. Also, I think Man jumping to the conclusion about the dia. is based on nothing. It's too easy and why would he care, or be thinking about something abstract like that when he's just received the shocking news that he has? It felt to me like a big old plot point dropped in from nowhere. - "No more hiding" - I was not under the impression that they were hiding. Also, his plan is basically to go hide in Pol and study the creatures, so this kind of undermines the plan, or the plan undermines this line, I think. To me, the line means taking the battle to them, but that does not sound like his plan, not yet. (page 13) - If 'home' is going to be the punchline at the end of the chapter, I'd suggest not using it again just before the punchline. - "the skills that were common back in the Society" - I want more from this. The skills were abhorred by society and led to the society being disbanded. I'm not feeling how 'wrong', how feared these skills were by the general populace. Overall For me, this chapter was not as cohesive as the previous one. Lots of good scenes and moments, but also moments and lines that made me stop and go 'Huh', as noted above. I think the attack on Man can be stronger. Somehow I didn't feel the fear and danger there. Also, Man's moment of taking charge: I wanted it to resonate more, to be a bigger moment. I wonder if it would have more 'grander' if someone, more than one, of his companions were to tell him he needed to take charge, that he was the leader now, and they all murmur in agreement and gather round him. It just seems to be glossed over as a 'moment'. I did enjoy the chapter, but I wanted to enjoy it and the its key moment a bit more. LBL sent separately.

Thanks you, @kais. Much appreciated

Not at all! Very glad to have your reaction. Thank you. Yeah, as soon as this popped up, I had a strong feeling it would work better, so I'm very glad to hear this. OMG... What if Q was forced to work with DM for a chapter or more?! That would address DM's rather unsatisfying demise.

Hey again. Excited to read what you made of this one. Yes. I'm content to agree with all of these points, and you will see that the rest pretty much all said the same thing, so that is essentially unanimous. I need to do a complete rewrite of this chapter, but I'll do it as part of a complete edit. N's arc through the whole book was changing as I went through this edit, so by the end it's starting to get quite messy. I think in all likelihood, I will write Book 3 before I go back to Book 2, because it will feature the closure of the overall arc through the three books (or will it ). I appreciate you underlining the issues though. Lol, fair point. And yes, another aspect that I think would more clearly be revealed (to me at least) by writing Book 3 and then rolling it back into the full edit of Book 2. I'm glad that the reveal works, but yes, I need to answer those questions. This is a good point, and something I did not at all consider, but will need to fix the close issue in the next edit. Good questions which need answers in this book. You're right. I does sound like an M line. I think I gave it to E because she was being marginalised in the chapter, but it's not her style, especially not in this situation. This is also the large majority reaction. I'll need to consider what to do about this. I'm trying to think if I could put another, better established character into the Dulcie role. My first reaction is that Shf. Koo is a much better and more naturally established character. Or, is there a way that Shf. Kr could be 'reassigned' so that he's present to fulfil the role that D plays. (I wonder if I might lure @kais, @Mandamon, @shatteredsmooth, @Silk, @industrialistDragon and @Sarah B to this question here. What do you think of either of these possibilities? (Also, see response below to the last comment, if I can trouble you for just a moment longer.) Good points all, and while it might want to keep some of that misdirection, I'd be lying if I said that it was all on purpose. This is very much a symptom of the changing plot line in my previous edit, where the underlying rationale had not solidified into a consistent through line. N's intentions and his message need to be much tighter, I completely agree. Agree. I need to fix the tone of those discussions, and inject more tension and threat into those early scenes. Fair comment, and maybe Q is just showing signs of paranoia here. I think what he's considering is that he's been so royally manipulated that anything an everything is open to question. I could have him dismiss this line of reasoning. I'll consider that. Well, Q hugged her at one point, which is where his 'contamination' came from, but clearly cannot be as bad. I'd need to read back through to see if she discarded. I can't remember!! It's entirely possible there's an inconsistency there. Yes, the whole chapter rewrite will need to address this. Blocking was mentioned by numerous folks in the other comments. This is a kind of throwaway line, and does not help with general acceptance of the through line. I think I might just cut this. I think certainly using it twice is a bit much. I will look to substitute one of the Nmp uses for something else. I agree that the emotional dynamics are not right, not well balanced, and as noted above the threat level is not right. The lack of clarity of N's motivations just supports all of that. In fact. IN FACT.... I've just had a great notion. HOW ABOUT THIS: N is set up in this version to be a physical threat, and while he appears that way in the first instance, what if in fact he was actually physically very weak from his long incarceration? He tries to kill Q's companions, not Q, deliberately not Q, because he wants Q to kill him. When the droids are NMP'd and it's just down to N himself, he tries to physically attack them but he is weak, and pathetic. There's no need to NMP him the second time, Q is able to fend him off physically, but he keeps coming and eventually manages to trick M into shooting him, even though there was no real danger of him being able to choke Q. I feel much more excited about the emotional resonance of this approach to the ending than what is on the page at present. Great comments, thank you so much. You've really triggered some good thoughts here. Very much appreciated Take care, R

Hey, thanks agains Asmodemon, it's good to hear from you! Hope you and yours are safe and well. Awesome. That is very much the tone I am going for. I'm not sure it lands and people have rightly called a later issue, but that editing, after all Okay, and it's a fair point. I was hoping that it would seem like they were all just swept along by events and it would not seem remarkable. I will say that I think you're the only person who has mentioned it, but that does not invalidate the comment, of course!! I'll need to think about that. Another reasonable point, and it does imply knowledge of the facility's layout that Q would be less likely to have, compared to E. There are a couple of fairly vague references that suggestion Q has been to the facility before in his past life. They're not played up at all, but they are there. It's something else I'm going to have to consider. LOL. In the news the other day (although I saw it mentioned on Twitter) there was reference to a proposal (not sure how serious it was) to reintroduce bears to the UK. I mean... bears?!?! Oh, darn and dash your ironclad logic!! I... You've got me there. I actually have no answer to that in the moment that does not sounds rather forced and reverse engineered. I'm going to have to consider the logic of M's nickname reveal. This is good, I think. I think your reaction is somewhat more positive than maybe a couple of others. It's a gamble to do that to M, for the reason you note, and really relies on the reader buying into the bigger stakes, as you describe. There's work to do on the ending and no mistake, but this is a really helpful comment, thank you! Great comments, @Asmodemon, plenty for me to chew over there and no mistake! Much appreciated.