Robinski

Hey Mandamon, many thanks for commenting. Good, that was the aim. Yes, this was the pitfall. I had hoped there was enough happening to carry the chapter, as it were. I'm not sure I'll really find out how much of an overall problem this is until a full alpha read, which I guess would seriously highlight structural drag. But I'll have an edit at the thing before then and seek to trip / streamline some of the earlier travel, which hopefully would make this later travel more palatable, given that it's more tense too. I would not say they are certain. It's Q's assumption, based on his experience of Tom. Maybe I need to highlight that this is an assumption. I've tweaked the wording. It is. Guessing it did not quite land? Okay. I could come right out and have M explain it, but I thought it was more fun to let fans pick it up unaided. I'll see how it plays among all readers, but noted, and glad you liked it It's a time flag, but I appreciate it's kind of hanging. I've hung a small lantern on it by adding 'It's...' Yeah, maybe too fast. I looked at other animals and tried to scale down a bit. That's 25mph. I research a little (cool source!! https://www.speedofanimals.com/?g=t) and thought it was about right. I would expect it could be overrode for safety reasons, like if there was an obstacle in the way, or after an impact. Fair point. Strictly speaking, he's not government as a sheriff, but it can see your point. I will consider rewording. Fair comment, and on reflection she might reassess why she started crying at that point, but I think her attribute of the emotion is honest enough. Cool, but yes, I had not considered that. I will look at rewording enough to clarify that it was not the airstrike. Great comments. Many thanks!!

I'd like to submit, but it's very unlikely to be Monday, or even Tuesday, I'm afraid

Hey, many thanks for commenting, ID. Yeah, noted. I think the third version is better again, but probably needs another pass or two. After this edit, I'm going down the alpha read route, I think. To get a more homogenous overview, hopefully. Totally. This now pays off in the third version of this chapter, which it did not in the second (rewritten) one. Yeah. Maybe it's going too far. I'm going to see how it plays in an alpha read. I've got some overarching issues to deal with that I've flagged back through the threads this time around. The whole Q/N relationship is one of them. Cool It's back to child, which I think rings truer for WK. Fixed. Thanks. Great comments. Thanks for pushing me on these points. I am pondering!!

Hey SSmooth, thank you so much for reading. Apologies for the delay in responding. Yay! I've revised it again since the second version was submitted. So, hopefully this is better now too. I hope these things are somewhat addressed in the second revision. They now have more of a role in this scene. I think the standoff is more satisfying and the VLs have a role in resolving it, unlike in the second version. I dropped one of the calls too, and revised the Level 3 reference so it's smoother. Yes, this is reverted to the original. This threw me a little too. Initially I was thinking it was just about politics, about the election. It is about the election. Q was using T/F as a metaphor here, as you now know, but the line did not land. I've revised it so hopefully it is clearer. Many thanks for the comments

Ooooh. I'm looking forward to this. [Edit: I should add here that I read an updated version of the story, not the original submission.] (page 1) - "Vlad" - I'm doing LBLs so as not to weigh the thread down with minor drafting things. I keep wanting to change the name to Vladimir, which I think is the 'actual' Russian spelling, but it's a name, so it can't be 'wrong'. Even g**gle wants me to search for Vladimir instead. Pah. It's just me trying to be conformist. Just ignore me. As RATM would say 'f*ck the norm'. (page 2) - I'm fairly clipping through this. I like it. I think the writing is very good. There's a lovely depth to it, in lines like "A piece of dying land". It's simple and direct, and yet the words are working hard, phrases performing more than one purpose, like this one, revealing the state of the kingdom in the conscious and subconscious mindset of the character(s). (page 3) - "to liberate my people" - Hmm. This implies to me he's trying to overthrow the monarchy, but I can't imagine he would admit that to the king, especially when trying to curry favour with him. - "speaks of sickness" - Where does her do this? I may have missed it. (page 4) - "skirt of woven belts" - how does this work then? Not sure what to picture. - "it would float off..." - exceptional description. Wow. - "pours it(?) at her waist" - Unsure what's happening here. I'm a bit confused by the description. - "melting the frost" - <3 - clever. (page 5) - "made smooth by ceaseless months of chanting my name" - I don't know how this works in a practical or metaphorical sense. (page 6) - "apprenticeship you seek" - Hmm, but that's not what he asked for, surely. - "coalesce into..." - beautiful phrasing. (page 7) - "a grove of oaks that have been woven into a bower" - struggling to picture this. - "swishing as she moves" - somehow I had pictured the belts as hooped, but I think they must be attached one end to a waistband and hanging down, which makes more sense, of course, but I did not picture that from the initial description. (page 8) - colons: there are a LOT of them in this piece. 25 by my count. I don't use them much, admittedly because I am not confident in their use, but I found them the sheer number of them distracting. (page 12) - "One who... too tight" - great line. - "half my life" - I don't feel I got any sense of that in the initial pages. - Is it not ball-peen hammer? I think it is. (page 19) - "whilst" - I like the tone of the story very much, that mythic quality that comes from the formality of the language, however, 'whilst' is just a bit too archaic, I think, in this context. I think 'while' is fine for the purposes of sipping tea and staring at the floor. - "What a grand failure that would be" - OOH, and actual substantive negative comment!! Watch out So, I find his complete nonchalance about becoming a ghost rather unconvincing. If he's so obsessed with name, surely he wants to be alive to enjoy his fame? I'm starting to think that he's not all that invested in this quest. I mean, the internal monologue is reasonable, and he questions his own commitment at times, and his path, but here he just seems far too casual, to me. Actually quite sarcastic with this comment. (page 21) - The name F*y is very on the nose. It can be put down, I suppose, to her sense of humour, but still, of all the names she could have picked... It's just a bit boring. (page 22) - "You have lasted longer than most" - I enjoy the recurrence of this phrase. (page 24) - "whispering spells" - What spells does he know? Confused. I don't know what he can be whispering. I understand there has been some kind transfer of knowledge, but not of objective magic. "Grow", "Go..." - ah, but these are not spells, they're just instructions. Anyone could make up such a spell in this situation. I feel a bit mislead by this aspect. (page 25) - I'm surprised she leaves footprints. - "two directions" - oooh, cool. (page 26) - "join me in the water" - But he went into the water before, he's still in it. He wades into the water. "urges me toward her" - yeah, continuity issue here. - Also, confused by the very elegant 'poem'/speech about the blackened blade, which hadn't been mentioned before, as opposed to the moon blade. - "queen of the... city" - But the 'poem' said she a menace of the city, not queen of it. (page 27) - "lost to the other realm" - But his name is held in the other realm, surely. Surely it is lost to this realm. OVERALL I enjoyed this a good deal. I think it's very publication worthy, and would easily find a home in any number of publications. I do hope you are going to submit it around. The style is so economical and elegant, very much what I expect from you. I think it's a little more reined back than in Gr--n Ocean, and I think that works very well, especially in this shorter format. The writing feels very assured, and I think has a real maturity to it. Thank you for sharing (LBLs emailed directly).

Comments!!! (page 1) - Epigraph: I find the phrasing a bit bumpy in places, but 'first draft'. - I'm marking up the Word file so as not to fill the forum with minor drafting comments. - First page is compelling. I feel E's stress and the tension of the situation. (page 2) - "S must have done something" - Hmm. Not sure that follows automatically, but I suppose him going away might be considered to be doing something, and might cause them to stop oscillating. - "she must be the only other living thing not an El" - sentence, or at least though, not complete. - "attention further" - But it was stated they had not noticed her, so she can't raise it further. - "she had to appear as an El" - Oh, yes. That's good. Surprising, but completely understandable. - "They had spoken" - Who had? Huh? Don't follow. - "felt as if" - How can she feel what they are like if she still has organs, and therefore is not like them? (page 3) - "only now able to rise to the surface" - Why now? Seems randomly convenient. - "scuttling like crabs" - Hmm. Crabs have a very particular mode of movement. I'm not sure about this description. - "They caught up to the first two quickly" - How? Have the first two stopped moving? This troubles me, because it starts to sound like villains acting conveniently for plot purposes, like that horribly artificial Hollywood 'trope' of only attacking one at a time. - "but they were fast" - Apart from the first two. - "insides to match her outsides" - Eh? I don't see how that would work. They must look different inside from out. (page 4) - "slowed their scuttling" - Except the first two must have slowed before now. (page 5) - "not enough left to sustain" - Not enough what? (page 6) - "take her away" - But she doesn't know they're taking things away (somewhere else), they could be flashing out of existence for all she knows, surely. - "They politely didn’t follow" - How does she know they are being polite? - "streams of nonsense" - I did not think it was nonsense at all. It seemed to make sense. I really don't think she would characterise it as nonsense. (page 7) - "It was the third one" - Third what? Unclear, and I don't follow the first paragraph on this page either. - "the fear she got from the P and F and L" - Where are these creatures? How can she feel their fear (my suggested wording: more urgent). (page 8) - "she didn’t know how they did it" - Hmm. But she seemed to be able to feel how they did others things? (page 10) - "still arriving... though at a lower rate than the original influx" - E was not there to see that. This sounds out of POV to me. (page 11) - "she talked to the speaker" - I'm a bit confused between the speaker as in the voice inside her, and the speaker as in the position in the assembly. I'm not 100% which is being referred to here. - "The shops beneath were crowded" - But there's no one there. This seems directly contradictory. I don't think the wording is clear. - "Then where were the El from?" - This didn't land for me, because S has already come to this conclusion, I think, and so this feels rather like we've been at this beat already. (page 12) - "It felt like they had walked this path again and again" - But S has walked it way more than In. This didn't land for me. (page 13) - "Maybe strike up a conversation with that cute one" - Eh? What? This sounds all wrong. He just ditches his sister and S at the drop of a hat? This came over romantically to me. "E was in danger" - Exactly!! So thinking about moping around here is not something In would do, surely? This crisis feels a bit manufactured to me. The doubt yes, I thought that worked well, but not the initial conclusion of giving up. - "Just like S" - Yes, the counterpoint of the two's relative confidence and ability to operate under mental 'attack' is nicely done here. This will be a quite visceral, empathetic scene once polished. - "passed the dia from one hand to another" - If he has not put it on before the end of this chapter I will be righteously disappointed!! - "plunged the dia" - Hmm. Something a bit more cautious would seem more appropriate. Surely doing something like this one would not plunge something into one's skull. (page 14) - "Part of it was under construction" - Hmm, I'd say it's all under construction. It's like saying the building is complete, apart from the roof. (page 15) - "face to face with B" - Confused. This dia, whose is it? I thought it was BP's. - "Then was this during the A" - Surely if the war had started, this A would be the enemy? How would they be of good standing? "still accepted after the war" - I need more clarity around here. Is this Ar accepted by BP because they are a maj, and therefore have a kind of diplomatic immunity? Why are they not the enemy? - I forget the distinction between the Bl and Pi. - "taken from their parent for the sin of their species" - confused. I thought BP was the eff., but forget they are Ar in another form. I'm not thinking of BP as Ar in this scenario. And the body In is inhabiting, I'm forgetting it's BP's other instance, yes? I think there's a need for a couple of lanterns around here. I think maybe it's because these two in this scene are at odds, but they are both Ar, right? And for so long in the books BP was something else (not Ar). (page 16) - "The Ar's people" - But both in this scene are Ar, are they not? - Oh, I forgot that BP had been replaced by the Ar. My bad. Possibly WRS. - "tenants" > tenets. - "and anyone who suspected would be replaced" - Eh? By whom? This Ar can't exist as multiple people, surely. That could not operate in the long term. (page 17) - "pulled the circlet from where it had been hiding" - Huh? But surely the Ar BP has been wearing the dia since he replaced the original eff in the scene we just saw. So confused. - "thrust it down" - I still don't buy this violent action to plunge stuff into one's head. Did time flash back then, to when the actual BP put on the dia? But they weren't wearing it when the Ar killed them. Still confused. - "Which memories?" - I too am lost. - "continued to be BP" - So, the meth BP also wore the dia? This was a question I had from previous chapters, whether non-Ar could wear it. Good to have it answered, but was confused for a good couple of pages. (page 18) - "were still a viable species" - but surely the Pill's alone are not the only ones remaining, we know that's not true, because In and En's parents were not Pill, were they? (page 19) - "like the last leaf falling from a vine" - In my experience, vines do not wither, they are incredibly voracious and spread like, well, vines. Killing and removing them is a major operation and, most likely, they will return anyway. I suspect there is a better plant to use in this analogy. - I like the memory swirl, but I think it needs edits for clarity and flow. I think it could be streamlined, clipped a bit, and work better. I expect to be disoriented in such a scene, but I think it still needs to be clear at some level. OVERALL I enjoyed how much I learned about the El in this chapter, and I liked the mechanism used to do that. The voices within E worked well, I thought, although they do tend to swamp her character. Some good emotional notes in the In scene, and I'm pleased he put on the dia, but after that I got, really, really confused by what was going on. I liked him getting swept away, but I got too confused by the 'focused' bits and who was who and why. Long old chapter too. Why not split? There's no law against having a short chapter every so often.

Dear all, A new chapter, the next one in fact, as luck would have it. For continuity purposes, in the second re-write of the previous chapter, the group went to the house where they expected to find TT and MR, as previous. Now the VLs play a more active part in getting the drop on the agents. The second call from MC is cut and the information is conveyed more organically (I think) through the conversation with the SAC. This latest chapter is just edited and has lost 700 words from where it was a week ago. So, I'm hoping it's tighter and more pacy and momentous. Any and all comments very much appreciated. Best, Robinski

I have no problem critiquing 6k words, and thanks for the feedback, @Mandamon.

Quandary: I've re-written the ending of Chapter 19 (25), but I really don'y want to submit it a third time, that is unfair, and the first bit (up to where they leave D's house) is unchanged. They end up in the same place, subduing the agents, and with the same last line, so I feel I can push off from that point with Chp 1A (26) just as easily. Any opinions about what you would like to read next (A) 1,600 re-written words of that blinking Chp19 again, or Chp 20?

Me too as well, please.

Yay! Many thanks for reading two on the bounce, @kais I think I can engineer this, although perhaps not exactly as envisaged. Excellent. YW. It was not, and I thought you would Good point. This wasn't in reaction to any particular comment. I'll go back to child; it's accurate, and is more Kr, to be fair. LOL Grammar's not right. In the sense that M and D are not uncomfortable around firearms. Good. I'm hoping it's about to get better still, as I've had an idea in relation to @Silk's comments about the interaction with the FBI. Thank's so much for reading those back-to-back. That's a very valuable perspective, I feel. Much appreciated

Hey, Silk. Thanks for reading. Right then... <rolls up sleeves> G Yeah. Okay. I can payoff more at the house if it’s a problem for folks. Again, this is something I can address. Check. Will fix. Good point, and I aim to maintain that as we go from here. Yep. Good spot. Fair point. It may be. Will check when I get to my Mac. Right. It may be that this is too big a subject to resolve in week-to-week edits like this. I have a long-term full edit action to review all references to TOM and MC, given that the context changed a bit as it transpired that Q had never spoken to TOM at all, and that the background had flexed a bit, shall we say, as I was finishing the edit, than again somewhat in this round of submission and editing. Cool. Argh. I've tweaked again. It was. Nice to know it works twice You ask a fair question, and the issue arises, of course, at the point DM releases all the other TF. The pretext, from recollection is that it was done by the eco terrorists, and that is the story that DM gave to the authorities (off screen). I just need to underline that somewhere here, I guess. Rewritten. Thanks. Check. So right. Thanks for catching that. Ooh. Ooh. I've got an idea... Okay. Fair comment. I'll have to have another go at that. Great comments, as ever! Thank you for reading

Hey Sarah, many thanks for reading Ah, well now. There’s some subtext running through Book 1 that maybe doesn’t spring out so much in Book 2, but there are shall we say questions about Q’s sexuality. In his subconscious, but also impinging on his conscious sometimes. These feelings are unresolved, as yet. Yay! That’s excellent. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. I’m still working in this. It’s a teaser. Thank you so much for reading again. Glad it’s closer to being acceptable

Whoa! Double level-up?!! Yus. <fist pump>

Many thanks for commenting Right. Good! But, some clarification required, got it. They go to D's house to arm up, but what's not coming through is that they ditch the truck so as to throw off potential tracking / pursuit. That was the intention, but it's not stated explicitly, so I will need to tag that 'out loud' to make it stick. They are going to the hiding place that was identified from the photos M found in BR/MR's house. I was hoping not to restate that (just to save words). Maybe it's WRS? Maybe not. I'll think on that. It was an allusion to Tom attempting to control Earth politics from the top down, but it's not clear, I accept that. I have reworded in a more direct and clear way. Tom. Hmm, okay. I'll think on that, but will clarify it's Tom. Okay. I'll play this through to the 'reveal' as written and see how the turn out plays then revised from there. I've clarified earlier that they are going to the mystery hiding house that D identified from the pictures that M found in BR/MR's house. It was identified as being on Lath island, so I think there's some WRS in this. I think it will read through much clearer considering that I have only subbed 3 chapters (versions of) over the last 8 weeks. Jan C is my attempt to show that D knows lots of people in YK, to imply expertise by showing his familiarity with the area through dropping details. I can reword so it doesn't sound like a character the reader thinks they should know. Check. Yeah. I wondered if I'd get away with this. I will reword. Yeah. Again, as I wrote this bit I had that niggling feeling this wasn't right. Why would they stay in the road? Will modify. I'm still hoping this is WRS. I'm trying to reveal through hopefully logical in dialogue references/clues what game DM is playing. I've rephrased the question so it sound like it's asked more in hope than expectation that MC would know the answer. I think it works better. Thanks. Yeah. They used to be right next to each other, but then the rewrite happened. I'll look at that. Great comments as ever. Thank you for challenging these things, it is soooooo helpful

Ok, yes, this definitely needs to happen. Steady on now, don't give in to demands for fan service . @kais can write their own dodgy, three-in-a-hammock fanfic

Oops. My bad. Oh, I did not get that before, back in Man's chapter (I think). Always a pleasure to help.

Yes, this was a hot mess, but with with velociraptors!!!! I think there is an arc in the 'repaired' version, thanks to all the nice people calling me on that in this version. Okay, okay. I surrender. Ice noises already!! <sigh> You people, honestly. When you get an idea in your head You know what? I was specifically thinking of you when I wrote that line, thinking, K will either (a) giggle; or (b) rip me a new one. I am relieved it was (a). Dare I hope I might be about to level-up in my discretionary Sensitivity to Diversity skill (like maybe to Level 1 from Level 0/WTF did you just say/write?)?

Cool. I'm looking for that ineffable, undefinable feeling of love, reciprocated. And of a joint acknowledgement that there is something there. Lingering looks into each other's eyes for no reason, unnecessary and prolonged touching, etc., etc. No apologies necessary. And this was explained, maybe it was my WRS, maybe an extra tag would help. Sounds like a plan, I'm still concerned with the overall length (see later comment ).

Huh, weird. I thought it was crystal clear.

This chapter is 8,000 words?!?! Wow. (page 1) - "supplied as a derogatory laugh" - LOL. Pshaw! - "helped several others of my species help move" - extra/duplicated word. - "capering" - really? I don't think of spiders capering. To me, the scurry very determinedly in whatever direction they decide to go. (page 2) - 'high-pitched', IMO. - "The N translated" - Why would the nether translate communication between animals. These are animals, are they not? Even if these are not, I feel like bird 'talk' has been translated in earlier books. - "through his subconscious all night" - I think I'd like to see foreshadowing of his 'discovery' rather than only learning about it now. - "so there will not be resistance from both of us changing the S" - awkward wording compared to 'So we will not obstruct each other in change the S'. (page 3) - "A family. That’s what we are." - See my comments from the previous sub. I just don't buy this. Also, we've had this line at least once, if not twice in this chapter already. - "base notes" - Not 'bass' notes? - "an oblong cylinder" - I think a cylinder is always oblong, by default. - "hair flinging out" - I would say flinging is a deliberate action. A person flings something out consciously, I don't think it happens passively, like blowing or drifting. - "He could tell they were moving much faster than before" - This is really passive. I want them to be running or jogging. A quick walk compared for a slow walk is not dramatically faster. I imagined that they were going to burst out of the wall, that's the point, isn't it? Take the El by surprise? (page 4) - "their random collections of teeth" - how are they random? I thought they were all the way around the underside of the creatures, which would not be random, surely. Maybe I misremember. - "When where they" - typo. - "There was no air to make sounds with inside the wall" - I tripped over this. - "come forefront to his mind" - 'come to the forefront of his mind', surely. - "a sort of music that trembled the ground" - trembling is the reaction of a medium to a vibration, the source causes the thing to tremble, but does not actively 'tremble' it. Sorry that I'm always harping on about detailed, but I honestly think these things matter, and that you don't see the stuff that I complain about in 'big' publisher, fully copyedited works. - "so they can walk through the crystal" - tense, could. - "There wouldn’t be time to catch" - lacks immediacy, IMO, compared to 'there wasn't time'. (page 5) - "trying to make the same change" - Hang on, I thought you couldn't make the same change in the same place / vicinity? Does he not have to make one change that affects the area they are all standing in, so that all the bodies within the area of that one change are affected? - "They had one good chance to get out of the wall before the creatures caught on" - Kind of confused. I thought the idea was to go through quickly. This is not quick, so I don't really see what the advantage is from last time. - "the whole the El" - Meh, this is supper convenient. I'm not a fan. My image is of El covering the whole wall. Why would they leave one gap? It's very much like this plot needs this random act of carelessness from the El. - "As it hardened, it squeezed him" - this is excellent tension, albeit a bit repetitive of them being stymied before at this stage (was it the previous chapter?), and it's taken a while to get here in this chapter. (page 6) - "hadn’t spotted her yet" - Hmm, they seemed all over him before, blocking him. This seems... surprising. - "creature’s ranks closed" - creatures' (multiple possessive). - "and on to the bridge" - onto, surely? (page 7) - I really like the exchange, the fencing, between S and the voice, WW protecting I, it's all good stuff here at the end of the chapter. - "back the way they had come" - Oh, no, please, not again. - "no one else had access to in who knew how many" - kind of wordy and clunky in terms of flow, I thought. - "C-shaped ring" - The what? When was this? Maybe WRS, but that was still a long time ago. Is it this book? - "Was this helping him" - Well surely he'd be able to tell if it was influencing him, would he not? (page 8) - "the same rules of physics" - so, not the rules of physics then, the rules of something else. - "If I am..." - this is a great line. S taking some kind of initiative, it should be a transformation, I hope he draws strength from this and backslides less in future into his anxiety. Not saying he'll never backslide, because I expect there will be a massive crisis somewhere near the end when he has to overcome his worst ever attack to succeed. - "thousands of El" - I feel this supports my comments about the massive unlikeliness of there being one single gap. I can see there being hundreds or dozens of small gaps of which he might exploit, the closest, but one single gap among thousands of creatures? - "dropping away..." - excellent description. (page 9) - "have to get to her" - yes, yes. This is all great. These last couple of pages. - "but his goal approached ever slower" - bit unclear and wordy/clunky, IMO. How about 'goal never approached'? - "felt like a closet" - very odd analogy, I thought. 'Cupboard was bare' does spring to mind, but the introduction of clothes is so specific and random, especially for Sm who is not a fashion- or image-conscious person at all, to my understanding. - "it until he had to be was flying forward, even with the lack of any stimulus to tell him so" - (1) it's more compelling if there is certainty here: doubt is less engaging; (2) to men, 'stimulus' is something that causes an effect, it's not something that feedback afterwards. - Yes. Nailed the ending. I was hoping this would be the last line, and this is exactly where/how I wanted the chapter to end. Overall I like the conclusion very much, the action that led to it, the crisis with one sibling through and one not, and S stuck in the middle. All great. The chapter is just too longer before that, IMO. Too much repetition of beats and emotion that we have felt before more than once in trying to get through the wall. I really feel it can be cut down quite severely. 8,000 words is a big, big chapter. I think reader attention and engagement will suffer, personally, at a time when we want the pace and the stakes to be picking up, not dragged back by long introspection, and one (or two?) flip-flops too many, IMO. There's a fantastic chapter in here though, and I know it will emerge. Nice work. <R>

(All my own work, any narrative consistency is purely coincidental.)

Hey, thanks so much for reading, SSmooth. The thing is.... this week's sub..... is a rewrite of this one But I'm really glad you're keen to read the next bit!! You really do need the next chapter. It should be 'up' on Monday coming (17th). Err, I'm glad you liked this, buuuuttttt... it's now cut. There was a fair bit of very reasonable and rational dislike for the number of calls in this chapter, so there are now two fewer than there were, and this was one of the victims. Good. Completely intended. Ah, well now. You can now read the next scene in the rewrite of this chapter! So, I guess you don't need to wait until Monday after all.

Comments. (page 1) - In the epigraph, is 'frequencies' the word, I wonder? To me, that is the number of occurrences, but the context relates to different times, in the sense of instants, surely. - "at all times" - Is it though? We're in his intern a monologue a lot, and the panic does not appear to do this. I think of it as 'so often'. - "The other four arms and legs" - I can't get much senes of the description, so many limbs spinning and weaving. I'm almost skimming. (page 2) - "six legged" - hyphenated, I would think. (page 3) - "translate to him" - I'd say 'for him'. - "edge of pride" - trace or vein? - "Do you think there’s any other way around the El" - Okay, I've been nursing this comment since the first page. We've just come from a highly tense and dangerous situation, but there is not sense of that in the first three pages of the chapter, it's all world-building and background. It felt really to of place to me. I think we need this these up front in the chapter, reminding of the tension, the danger and the (further) setback from the previous chapter. All that world-building was like running into a wall, IMO. - "He could feel the lack" - not completely clear. He feels the loss of his notes, yes? - "flaps fixated on him" - this sounds more like mental state than say 'fixed', which doesn't distract from the things around it. (page 4) - "to digging into the N wall" - just underlining my point from before, but here on page 3/4 is where all the urgent, pressing and dangerous issues are, instead of up on page 1. - "They were eating it" - I think using the word 'eat/ate' implies that the El are consuming the wall for sustenance. I know that's not the only meaning of 'eat', but I feel that's implied in the way S relates this. - "to get a clear picture" - This implies to me that he thinks he can see something (i.e. by getting close enough to see), but I don't think he means in a visual sense, just sounds like that's what he means. (page 5) - "engage them, though preferably without danger to ourselves" - This seems super unrealistic, from a clear very intelligent being. - "You act like it’s a part" - 'talk', IMO. - "it would have to, in order to provide translations" - Not if it's a machine, surely. Then it would not be 'active' in its observation, would it? Since it was automatic; a process, not a choice. (page 6) - "turned curious" - more tension, please! Like all the background and w/b on the first pages, it feels like more of an intellectual problem than an actual, physical crisis. - "the crystal.”" - like this. It seems to be S's mindset set / internal monologue, or the narrative voice that is dragging down the tension / stakes. - "They were avoiding the question between all of them" - Phrasing odd. 'Between them, they were avoiding the question.' - "Someone needed to contact the m" - Yes, yes, we know this already. Just get ON WITH IT, please. (page 7) - "fingers play over the smooth crystal of the d" - Ahhhhhh. I think maybe I have it. I think maybe... - "they seem content to let us have it" - But it's the dia from their own face, is it not? Why would this lot be anything other than content, if it was in S,I,E's possession? - "Don’t leave me." - Eh, but he would be leaving them. (page 8) - "portal suddenly sounded like" - Not sure about it being 'sudden'. - "What could he hear that the others didn’t?" - disagreement is kind of clumsy. Suggest did and didn't, or could and couldn't. - "thought the six houses" - 'that', IMO, because 'the six' is not eight at the time S has the thought. - "Don’t let your thoughts wander" - I don't think this is his thoughts wandering, I think this is his thoughts absolutely concentrated on finding a solution to the problem in hand. He's got to be thinking in the right area here; the whole arc of certainly Book 2 points to the solution being rooted in 8 hses. - "looking down at the ground, in the I" - great line, but no comma, I think. I don't see any need for a pause. (page 9) - "both frowning with similar expressions" - redundant, IMO: they're both frowning, and are 'brother and sister' therefore obviously similar. - "as is normal for a portal" - clunky, maid-and-butler. Regular readers know this, and since it's Book 3, nobody will be starting here, IMO, and if they are, they deserve to be confused!! - "Where were you placing the port" - This almost sounds like Kir phrasing, because of the tense, I think. 'Where did you (try to) place the portal?' sounds more natural, IMO. (page 10) - "sounds as if it matches" - matches what? Don't understand, and... "We shall have to perceive them the old fashioned way" - perceive what? I don't follow. - "relaxing with his boyfriend and girlfriend" - this feels heavy-handed to me. It sounds like the narrative is trying to convince me this is true, but I don't feel it. I think I have this feeling because I don't see enough behaviour to convince me the E and I believe it, or even S, really. I don't feel there is what I would call a relationship, there's some bumbling around, some hesitant signs of affection, but they don't really behave as if things have changed between them (the three) and that they feel a (strong) romantic connection, most importantly and tellingly, they don't talk about it. - "In the day" - kind of awkward. 'During the day', IMO. (page 11) - Who are the Car? Have we met them before? I don't remember them. - "There were steps behind him" - footsteps, IMO. - "A family" - Ooh, I really don't think this is earned, yet. As noted above, they never talk about their relationship, feeling, love, etc. - "but when she was finished…" - What? (page 13) - "Why hadn’t the p told him this before?" - Told him what, that people wanted to meet him? Unclear. - "Yes, though I stay as far out of the hubbub as much as possible" - Too much, ends up cluttered, I reckon. There degree is stated twice (as far > as much as possible), which confuses the statement. - "barely refrained from asking if they can go there to eat" - tense: could - "come on, S" - comma required. - "Think of it is meeting" - type, 'as'. - "The meal was oddly similar" - to what? - "He tried to listen to how the Aridori spoke to each other" - surely, he just listened. There's not barrier to him listening. (page 14) - "peaceful, and friendly, and social" - the second two, fine, but I think it's a bit much to deduce the first from the little he's seen of them. For some bizarre reason, I'm moved to think of Christoph Waltz's character in Inglorious Basterds, who comes over completely civilised, but is of course of horrific Nazi angel of death. - "eyes walked between him and the other A" - how does that work? I get what's happening, but the comparison to walking does land for me. - "went to her other side" - She's right across the table from the two of them, why would they go all the way around to ask her a question? this seems really awkward, thinking of half-a-dozen people sitting at a table. (page 15) - "if they touched her" - if she touched them, surely. She was the one who stretched her hand out. Of maybe just 'if they touched', which seems to cover all eventualities. - "He had to make the journey on his own" - Another flip-flop, really? Surely not. - "She looked at In over his shoulder" - But how does that work, S came to her other side, she's in the middle? (page 16) - "was still of the same mind in the morning" - This indecision, and flip-flopping is driving me demented. - "instead of going through the wall" - But they still have to go through the wall regardless. Dal is through the wall just as much as the Imp is, surely? Overall I still feel like we're going around in circles in this POV. I haven't been keeping count, but they're together, they're apart, they're together, they're apart. They go to the wall, they're back, wall, back, and then wall again. The other POVs are exciting, compelling, they are in the heat of the action, confronting the enemy, or other antagonists (suspected), while S and Co. go around and around, and make not progress, and yet there's in the main POV. It's pretty frustrating. Also, this is a long old chapter in which not much happens, and it's in the least interesting--or certainly least exciting--POV, which I think is problematic for pacing. I'm not satisfied, I guess I'm frustrated and wishing we would get back to Man or Or/Ri's POV.

Dear all, It's the déjà vu again! Sorry to subject you to another rewrite, but at least there are some new scenes here, and less chum, I hope. Any comments at all are much appreciated. Best, Robinski Chapter Summary: 01 - In small town in British Columbia, Q and M close out the Not-All-That-Curious Case of the Stolen Art; 02 - Q and M decide on what to do next, all the options seem to have some issue or other. Q's ex-father calls; 03 - After some political machinations, we meet EM (the administrator) and TT (the scientist) who at GX in Yellowknife, NWT; 04 - T is coerced by M into releasing the MTs. They are meant to kill her, but it does not go to plan for M. Now he has a problem 05 - Back with Q and M, they speak to R before going to meet him at the airport, but the plane crashes in 'unexpected' circumstances; 06 - Q and M are questioned at the sheriff's office then taken to the hospital to see R who they manage to speak to briefly before M appears and kills R; 07 - Q and M are in the frame for R's murder. M decides they should run. Car chase thru small town. They collect 80, 'borrow' N's plane and run; 08 - E discovers T's disappearance, is suspended by DM then goes to see the YK sheriff. He takes her to a kill site, but it's only animals, not T; 09 - After some chat about the past and Mor, Q dumps N's plane on the tarmac, QME are recovered by EMS and taken to hospital, where they escape; 10 - E runs the gauntlet of the press then releases the Vuls. Q and M progress to YK. Q gets a mystery call. K is on Q's trail and intends to make him pay; 11 - Q calls E and leaves her a message, the Five-Star gets wrecked by a bear, DM is travelling back to YK and speaks with TOM; 12 - Q learns M about a local church, Q and M encounter a bear, Mor talks to TOM; 13 - Q and M reach Golden, learn of the election's status, call EM and then learn that people are dead in YK. Their plan will get them to YK this evening. 14 - EM is interviewed by the FBI and given an ultimatum. DM seems to be working with her, but springs an ambush, tries to kill her, but she escapes. 15 - WK continues north, speaks to his office, speaks to the RCMP, considers his moves. 16 - DM takes full control of things at GX, speaks to TOM, issues orders to increase the chaos. 17 - EM escapes YK, goes to a village to abandon her tech, then makes a choice about her future. 18 - In Canmore, the press of time is getting to Q. WK spies waiting for a train north, a chase on foot ends in a one-sided shoot out. QME escape by drone 'copter. 19 - Journey to YK in drone chopper. Q and M learn how bad things are in YK. They and MC exchange views on a range of subjects. Q learns MC has been manipulating him for some time. 20 - Finally, after some prep in the chopper, Q and M arrive in YK. They meet E and a friend of her's who is helping her. They are attacked my a couple of Mts, then see a pair of VRs. 21 - Our heroes drive to BR's house, encounter a roadblock and pull a ruse on the National Guard there. At the house, they search until they are 'set upon' by more nasty T/F. 22 - After battling the Sparkles, the group is rescued by the National Guard, but taken to the YK sheriff and jailed. DM appears at the jail. 23 - Confrontation between Q and DM in the jail, Sheriffs K and K (hmm...) arrive, but DM escapes. Kr releases the group into his custody. A rude awakening leads to the revelation of Q's son. 24 - Q and E share a drink and deduce that TOM has perpetrated an even bigger fraud on the North American people than first thought. PL suspends the election. 25 - Q&E reveal their suspicions, convincing Kr to go after T&Me. Kr is no at odds with Ko and skating close to the edge. From D's house, they go to the hiding place.