Robinski

It does. I had been enjoying the glow of that line for a handful of seconds before my physics brain tapped my consciousness on the shoulder. Lol. Very kind, although I don't agree with the premise of the comment, of course. I will try this at some point. Sounds excellent (in the right hands). Mmm. Yes. The more I think about this, the more excited I get about it. It could almost be like the end of a book, feeling as if we'd been following them for 20 chapters to get to that point (which we kind of have, of course).

Excellent. Yeah, I will dive into that again, after thinking about it for long moments in a quiet room. This is the third or fourth edit in which I have not managed to tie that moment down convincingly. Must try harder!! I see your point here, but DM did shoot her (with a dart) in the Cr hospital. Definitely true. I've added a couple of lines here, I think it's clearer, good call. Okay, I'll need to think on this. I was trying to play up the fact that Kr has taken them out of Ko's jail without permission. I appreciate it's maybe it's a grey area, and the Kr would not necessarily be treated as having broken the law, as such. Excellent. Thanks so much for keeping me honest with this. Great comments, as ever

Yay! And, phew. I'm glad I did the excellent crits from last time justice. It felt so much better in the rewriting, so y'all need to take a lot of credit for that. Good point, I can see that bit is still rather weak. In terms of them being on the offensive, it's mean to be Kr who draws on DM, because he puts Q and M's accounts of what happened in his town together and sees DM standing there os the proof of it. That is not coming over well, accepted. When Ko draws, he's really just following Kr's lead, but there's no real justification for this. I will fix the dynamic of the sheriffs drawing on DM. Thanks so much for rereading and commenting again. Much appreciated

Yeah, I think this is the problem for new readers, they have not had two novels and five novellas to parse all this world-building in a gradual manner, it's just all here in the first handful of chapters. It's a lot to take in. I think I'd be having similar problems to LB's if I was dropped in here. Exactly, but I do have sympathy with anyone trying to parse this level of world-building without some 1,500 pages (wild guesstimate) of background and development. I'd be really cautious about that. There is a lot of reintroduction and not a great deal of 'action' in these first chapters. I'm not connived more introduction is going to help with engagement and forward momentum, that's a real challenge, but we do not do this because it is easy, right? (Apologies to, JFK). Good way of thinking about it. Yeah, I think that can be communicated quite easily, without a lot of extra world-building (reprise) up front in this book. I'm fine with it now, and I do remember R having a lot of doubts and swaying in Book 2, whereas in Book 1 it was in the past. I'm fine with it. I think you could play that up a lot more as they come through the portal. You could do a lot more to make is feel that they are bleeding, that they have come off the battlefield and are shocked, distraught at the loss of a dear comrade, etc. There's not enough emotion, depth of feeling, blood and tears, on that first page or two, IMO.

Tail-end Charlie is in the house (page 1) - "into different colors rather than different tones" - I love this line, and I enjoy HD's epigraph in general, but... and I know this is for humans, but it says here that the audible range of human hearing is 20Hz to 20,000Hz, whereas the (again human) visible spectrum is 430-770THz. As Tera is 10^12, these ranges are sooooo far apart at their closest point (21.5x10^9 times) that I feel this conclusion, very elegant as it is, can't be right. - "shades of black" - Hmmmmmmm. - "colors here" - Can't remember where they are. Maybe WRS. - "my own nest" - I maintain that O is the most consistent, and most consistently entertaining character in your entire oeuvre. (Egg joke completely intentional.) - "always alluring" - appealing? Hmm, okay, just checked the definition of alluring. Fair enough. I associate it with romantical things, but it doesn't have to be (I find). - "devoid of other furniture" - are lights furniture? - "with a snap" - Ooh, I'm quibbling about this word and that word, but overall, their arrival in this space (and I can't remember where they were aiming) is very effect. Ending on 'snap' is just perfect. (page 2) - And resuming (page-wise) with "Where are we" perfectly captures my own feelings at this point. - I have developed an mnemonic for the E: it's not pretty. 'El' (as in the Spanish); 'Gin' (as in the Juniper-based alcoholic beverage); 'Errdeen' (as in the hind(three)quarters of the Scottish city of Aberdeen). It's not critique, I'm just sayin'. I like the name, and I do not mind at all having complicated names, because I develop a mnemonic and move on. I was never the same after Ringworld (I mean, H-a-l-r-l-o-p-r-i-l-l-a-l-a-r H-o-t-r-u-f-a-n? Come on, Mr. Niven!) But it's beautifully alien world-building. Don't ever let anyone tell you the names are too complicated. They're beautiful. - "they have the same regularity" - Oh, wait. Referring back to my first comment, I'm perfectly willing to accept that there is some sort of conversion factor or universal constant that 'translates' sound into (equivalent) colour. I mean, of course there is, the symphony does that already, but I just think in the epigraph it needs to be acknowledged that the translation from sound (frequency) to colour (frequent) is not a direct translation, but is factored in some way. (Oooh, oh, the crystal perhaps results in some sort of diffraction or refraction (more likely) of the waves such that they are suitably translated. (page 3) - "couldn’t talk" - excellent moment of realisation. - "dialects of K" - on K, or of Kir--ian? - "Instead" - Instead of what? Not sure about this is needed: could start "One of the three..." - "very tasty" - I feel like soup is very tasty, hours d'oeuvre are very tasty, but this deserves a more revealing description. Is it alcoholic? (Presumably not.) Fruity? Savoury? - "honor and propriety" - Eh? I'm confused. Did we take a right turn? I've lost the track. - "the color schemes involved" - redundant, IMO, and detracting from the impact of the statement (primacy and recency effect, also known as serial position effect, I gather). (page 4) - "and which also shared her name" - Not sure it shares her name. It has long prior claim, surely? She is named for it. Doesn't she share its name? - "an art form" - Is a particular musical instrument an art form of its own? I'm not sure it is. Music is an art form, but I wouldn't say violin was an art form. I realise my assessment is based on human terms of reference. Maybe if I was Lob I would see it differently. - "spoke slowly, though they often had insightful comments" - This is kind of pejorative, for me. Why would their comments not be insightful, just because they spoke slowly? Are slowly spoken comments less insightful than others, as a rule? - "as the Ef would" - 'did', I think. - "taking little account of other’s safety" - I don't see how his comment is worthy of this comment. He is only theorising, not proposing that anyone else goes up and touches one. (page 5) - "they could choose" - 'can choose', surely. They are still in existence, and a more present phrasing reminds us the threat still exists. - "though at a creak" - awkward phrasing of this section, to get the sense of it at the start, IMO. - "I am not as loose" - Ooooh, burn!! I don't recall seeing much bitterness in K before, so this shocked me slightly, but that it still perfectly realistic. Could easily be festering in him. (page 6) - "unknown horrible creature" - horrible, unknown creature, I think, but horrible seems a bit tame as a descriptor from R, who is full of anger. - "surprisingly, cocked his head as if thinking" - Why is it surprising that he might be thinking at this point? - "as if expounding on a philosophical matter" - missing word. And is it philosophical? Seems to me it's a matter of fact and practical experience, not philosophy. (page 7) - "I almost forgot about it" - Mmmmm. It seems to me this is almost tantamount to someone telling me my friend's daughter was a Martian. How likely am I to forget that, even given other stresses? Unsure, my first reaction was it seemed unlikely. - "no extra mental capacity" - Surely her mental capacity is finite. I'm thinking maybe 'spare mental capacity '? - "the twins' secrets" - possessive. (page 8) - "gloom..." - I thought it was just the name of the prison. It's not doubt my memory. I guess it's the name of a city as well? That seems odd, as it seems designed as the name of the prison. It would be like Hog Warts being the name of a city. - "two portal transitions" - I don't follow the logic here. Surely someone else can open the portal back? They've all been to the imp, and at least O and R have been to gloom. (page 9) - "O’s suggestion" - but O was just repeating K suggestion. He says so in the previous line. - "these extra additions" - tautology, IMO. - "What do you all think?" - All this suggesting and agreeing and considering is very realistic, I'm sure, in a group that are theoretically all equal(?), the problem is it's quite repetitive and not great for momentum at the end of the chapter. Seems they have basically taken nine pages to decide where to go next. I know that's a bit unkind (sorry); there is some good tension and the Ar reveal, etc., but I'd be tempted to try and shorten this chapter if at all possible, just by making the text more efficient, and take a page out so it's smoother and gets us back to the action quicker. Overall An enjoyable enough chapter, but I would not move this forward. The Man chapter has action in it, it has a death, and encounter with the enemy, tension, and the discovery of the incursion at the front line in the Imp. The S,En,In chapter is similar to this one; people talking, although there is the moment of En's almost attack. I would tend not to have that chapter sitting together with this one, due to their similarity. it's always easy enough to read about long familiar charters that I enjoy, but momentum is the thing here are the start, it seems to me, both in terms of chapter progression, but also within chapters, if that makes any sense. Very interested to read the next one.

Soooo, slight change of plan. With your indulgence, I have resubmitted Chapter 17 (23) quite significantly rewritten to address (I hope) what were some pretty substantial issues. I won't bother with the chapter recap, as I think everyone reading knows where we are at present. Many thanks for any comments. R

Yes, entirely fair. No blame at all!! Hurrah!! The line did in fact survive the rewrite. Yes. My first run at the un-G**gleable clue has not quite landed. That is fair. The major incidents are still there, and even if I took out a town or a stop between Cr and YK, there would still be a bunch of stops of the way, travelling and talking. I like this idea, and yes, even though they are under attack as it were, this could still be a thing. Good suggestion. Thanks!

For what it's worth, I don't see that "could not speak..." and "as animals cannot perform... alike" imply that the 'horse' cannot speak, only that 'it' cannot speak as scholars and men do, and that it may (or may not) have any aptitude for learning (although this is proven wrong, as 'it' can read the magic texts). Having said that, I did not see any overt mention of the horse speaking, which would dispel any doubt. I could see it being a horse of few words, and perhaps only speak couple of words here and there, which would have a big impact. I did not have a particular issue with it though, for whatever that's worth. Pg. 5 - "so entwined their hearts, that even the prince could not discover their deception." Me too, but Aero makes a fair point in reference to this line. But I was putting more weight on the passage Turin quotes. The deception line does seem a might contradictory.

Huh. I just don't see that. Yup. Agree. I thought she was well done, operating above it all, but keenly aware of her son's desires, and the obstacle represented by her advisors. I was convinced by their authority as custodians of the law. I was fully expecting some tragedy, because that is often present in classic fairytales. As I note above, I could not work out the ending. I may have to ask more questions. There were some obvious tags like the mother being onside, but I didn't follow the ending, as I said, so no, I guess. I think that would be useful. I didn't get a clear sense of the horse talking, but I did get a clear sense of the sisters communicating. I did trip over this too, as you'll see from my comments, although I also felt that the prince's behaviour was consistent with his position, his environment, and his upbringing. I think it's fair for me to react against it on the basis that I don't like it, because of how I want the story to turn out. I wonder if he had just made a slight, regretful 'whimper' or considered (then instantly abandoned) the notion of resisting, I would have read on without commenting. ... Okay, DISASTER. I thought I was finished at the foot of Page 7 "It was a lovely wedding." I was fooled by the big paragraph space I will now go back a read the actual end of the story!! (Sorry about this. I am such a doh-head.)

Firstly, thank you for submitting, ID. I'm so sorry it's taken me such a long time to get to this. I hope that these comments are of some use. I'll have a read through the thread afterwards, but right now, I'm looking forward to reading this! (page 1) - I thought 'studded' was a rather hard word for copses of trees, but I get the image, so maybe just me. - The fact that the prince was searching in pastures and rolling hills struck me slightly odd, but didn't affect my reading. I suspect it's there for a reason. - I'd think his duty might take him to different places. Thought maybe 'went about his duty' would be a bit smoother, BUT, fair warning, you said it was rough / early draft, so I'll stop noting small drafting stuff like this. Sorry - I have a clear image of the setting, and it's pleasing, very bucolic. - I can see the threes cause the light to freckle (interesting word choice I thought), but did not think it would be the light of the trees. - Okay, one paragraph in, we seem pretty strongly in the POV of the prince. I'm convinced by the character, not sure I'm entirely sympathetic, but I get a sense of privilege and authority. - Speckled and freckled on the same page kind of clashed a bit for me. - Oh, I'm doing it again, but there are some lovely turns of phrase, and when I trip on one, I don't want to miss the chance to have my tuppence worth. I thought 'siren call' (singular) would be a cleaner evocation of that wandering spirit. I know there are two elements invoking the siren call, but I see them as components of one thing. - For me, there's a bit of a jump between the horse coming towards her, and her turning to follow it. The scene is playing out in a delightfully, summery, golden hour slow motion, then there's a skip, and it kind of jarred me. There's also a kind of subtle tension in the horse approaching her, and the skip takes us past the moment when they 'meet'. I'd enjoy just a handle of words to describe the moment they are closest, and the horse passes her, before she turns. - The word 'dreamlike' trips me. While the scene is dreamlike (no argument), the adjective is used to describe the girl or the act of her following. I'm not sure how a person can be 'dreamlike' or how they can follow 'like a dream'. Thinking out loud, 'dreamily' would be more of a directly descriptor for the girl, or her movement, but perhaps that's not really the intention. <ramble ends> (page 2) - It's such a strong reaction in her that I almost suspect a kind of hypnosis or emotional control from the creature. - I enjoy the poetical tone of the piece. I like this sort of magic realism in a shorter piece like this. I'm definitely curious about where this is going. - "nothing if not persistent" - COL (chortle out loud). - "took her arms from" - I know, drafting, drafting, but this is clunky for me. I'd like a stronger, more descriptive image here, since it's the first description (okay second, but same paragraph) of physical contact between them. - "were never much for subtlety" - While I enjoy this type of line here, I think the message could be a bit clearer, tighter, so I have no doubt over the intention. It didn't seem to me that the subtlety was part of the discussion in the previous paragraph, so I'm not quite sure of the target the line is aimed at. (page 3) - 'prince had cared more'? - I feel like he's already witnessed it. - 'folded into' - I'm not sure what to take from this phrase. Not arrested then? Not detained? It's just a bit vague, IMO. I do like them being 'taken for study' though, which just underlines the uncaring, impersonal attitude of these royal types, which seems appropriate if not sympathetic, of course. - 'lack of knowledge' - Not sure about this. She must have knowledge about some things, just not the sort of things that would interest a prince. I wonder of it's lack of experience, lack of worldliness? - I really enjoyed the depth of the last paragraph on this page. (page 4) - "wizards' oath" - I don't think this is mentioned before now, and I don't quite see how it applies in this instance. This last part left me puzzling. - "horses in particular are unsuited..." - COL - I've never encountered the word 'horn book'. - "lost more obligations to linger" - Is this in the sense 'in order to linger'? I think that would be much clearer. - "and quietly added..." - Oh, nicely done. - "figured out" - for me this is a clunky modern phrase. I think there must be a more elegant and in-tone alternative. - "an ineptitude..." lovely phrase. (page 5) - "but very happy" - Apologies for commenting on style, however 'but always happy' would scan really nicely with 'often tired' as both are reference to frequency, where 'very' is a reference to degree. (page 7) - "would cost more dear" - I don't follow: is this a typo? Oh, 'dear' in the sense of expensive. I see, but I think the grammar is off here, or at least is difficult to exact the sense of at a glance. - "that day" - I took this to mean the present, day, but then realised it was a reference to that original day. Not entirely clear, IMO. - "but saw no other way" - Oh, now. This does not seem especially character to me, since the prince's love of horses is well trailed. He has seemed a bit cold and aloof at times, but I'm not connived by this, in terms of his character. I can see you need some high stakes here at the end, and the fairytale nature of the story points towards there being some element of tragedy in it, but I wasn't quite ready for this. I see two alternatives, but not a happy way out. - "and neither the one begrudged the other..." - for me, this is extraneous and trips up the rhythm of the phase. - "to those thus so gathered" - I feel that 'thus' and 'so' are doing the same thing here, and one can be cut. (page 8) - "her professional smile' - not connived about the word 'professional'. Her position is more than paid employment. Institutional smile, public smile? I feel that there is another word that would fit better here. - "The price had wondered..." - typo, obvs. Overall I enjoyed this a good deal. I enjoyed the fairytale style, and the frequently poetic language, and the intriguing premise. I was caught, hook line and sinker by the threat of someone getting sliced up. The story finding a way around that was satisfying (more on that below), but I still feel the prince was a little out of character in his apparent acceptance of the cost. As to the ending, I think the story would benefit from it being clearer. Was the prince a horse at the end? No, because he could take, and I don't remember any of the other horses talking. There are clues like 'brass' and 'senses' (plural), but I'm just not smart enough to decode the ending, which is a bit frustrating, if I'm honest. Really glad you submitted thank, thanks ID. I had a good deal of fun with it. I'd just love to know what happened in the end EDIT Okay, having now read the end of the story, please disregard all my misguided comments about the 'ending' above. I thought the ending was very satisfying and nicely delivered. It was completely clear, and any misgivings and misconceptions I had on Page 7, are now addressed. (And my latter page references above as incorrect.

Hey SSmooth, many thanks for reading. Phew. I'm very pleased there appears to be a comment reaction to this, which seems to suggest it's the right place for a 'sequel' chapter, now with more of a scene before it (in Chapter 17). No, it's here, and I'm very pleased about that. (from above response) 'I'm really trying to develop their relationship in this book as a lead in to Book 3, which is outlined emotionally in my mind.' Yeah, it was MC's parting shot way back when they were sitting in the car out from Crest. And it might have been a consequent edit, actually. So, really don't worry about not remembering. Ahem, well, see above discourse with @kais, who has helped me greatly in refining the tone of these. Oh excellent, I'm really pleased this worked for you, and it seems to have landed pretty well with other readers. Still more tuning to do in terms of placing references in the overarching plot, Tom, MC, etc. back through earlier chapters, but I'm glad it feels that things are building effectively here Supper comments. Very much appreciated. Thank you.

Thanks so much for reading, Kais, and for your help with the interaction stuff. Phew (although I will be aiming to inject more impetus as a result of rewriting Chp.17, but it will still be a 'sequel' chapter. At least now there's something more substantial for it to be a sequel to. I'm indebted to you for the off-line discussion on this topic. Thank you! Yeah, it's a work in progress. More rewriting on that way, but still a 'down' chapter. That is heartening. I'm really trying to develop their relationship in this book as a lead in to Book 3, which is outlined emotionally in my mind. Yes. I have not handled that well, and will clarify the Q / Kr dynamic in the re-writes as I go. It's very, very safe I have changed the tone, I think (without cutting-and-pasting your suggestions, honest). Reworded. Thanks. I'm changing this. Thanks again. I have a much better idea of where to go, I believe. So, now there is less patting, and the one instance has a different emphasis, and E tells Q to 'Let it go'. Ooh. Yeah, this is very much in a UK sense, which is the first, and not the second (that I've ever heard here). A quick look online seems to show a fairly even balance, although Urban Dictionary and Wiki seem to place it below the racial slur. I'll keep it for now, but thanks for the note. I think this context is clear enough. Thanks. The line is gone now, for what it's worth. Cool. Great comments, as ever. I feel much happier about the dynamics here, much appreciated

Thanks so much for reading, Sarah. Yes, accepted. I've edited Chp.17 (23) fairly heavily, and it has more action and momentum, I hope. I will carry some of that into an edit of this chapter, and hope to get another edit of Chapter 19 in before subbing it on Monday (or Tuesday... ). Yes: this is a terrible line! Thanks for flagging I've changed it completely. While there was some emotional strain, there wasn't that much physical effort in the last few hours in particular, just accumulated strain from days. Still, he's not some decrepit desk jokey like me!! Ooh, super comment. I've actually thought this myself, but let it go because I figured she was smart enough to figure it out, and I didn't need to use words showing those cogs turning in her head. BUT, since you mention it (so that's two of us, at least), I'll go back and take a look. Thanks! After checking back, I've actually modified a line in Chapter 16 (22) where E first questions the term T-- O-- M--. Good spot. No, you're absolutely right. It's my incorrect use of the term 'highball'. I will tidy this up. It's a lowball glass she has, with ice, and is drinking Scotch (whisky) on the rocks. Thanks for calling the confusion. Fixed. Thanks. Great comments, really appreciate those, some good fixes there

Hey thanks for reading, and thanks for being first! I'm sorry it takes me so long to get to the feedback. I tell myself I'm catching up... Yeah. My biggest takeaway so far is to work the details that I learned in the back end of drafting back through the first half. I've cut the equivalent of two chapters out of what's gone before, but I expect to cut more, or rather to replace slow words with more tense and motivating ones in the next pass. Yes. The two sheriffs on screen together don't really spark. There is not less shared screen time, for what that's worth. Fair comment. Having substantial rewritten the previous chapter, I think it leads into this more naturally. Now I can get my editing shears onto this one, align them, and seek to trim this one back some more. Ok. I'll seek to adjust E's reaction. She's not supposed to know. Insufficient communication on my part. It is vague. Excellent point. I will address the stakes specifically. Yeah, insufficient threat/stakes for this. Agreed. I need to revamp the threat level. Check. Earlier reminders of EC's activities. Yeah. Waaaaay back in Chapter 3 (I think, without checking) we had the short scene with the pres and the politico. I hadn't intended Koo to be villainous, and I think that's clearer now in the rewrite of Chp.17. This chapter now gets a rewrite, in which I'll be tidying references up. Great comments. Thanks so much. Really helpful

So, quick FYI to those reading TCC. I've rewritten Chp.17 (23) fairly substantially and there is now a gunfight in the jail. DM shoots the deputy and Sher Ko, then escapes. Sher Kr then takes them out of the jail on the basis he's not convinced about their safety there. The rest of the chapter plays out largely as before, except they are now sort of on the run again, albeit under Kr's custody (sort of).

Project 75192: Update 23 - Bags No.17, Part 1 - "Patchwork" Literally filling in the gaps now. First, a couple of slivers (1-4) on either side of the cockpit tunnel assembly (5). Satisfying completion of the 'access' cutout on the other side (6,7). Then, in a mirror of the assembly underneath, the circular inset housing the heavy laser turret on the top of the Falcon (8-10). Slots in nicely (11) to (almost) complete the top surface (12).

Me too please.

Hey SSmooth, thanks so much for reading. Yes, thank you for this. Each time someone expresses the problem in a slightly different way it becomes that much clearer. I'm going to rewrite this chapter, and it will play out differently. They will end up in a similar place, but by a different. more exciting and I hope ratifying route. I am going to convert one or two of the earliest chapters to Mo's POV

Yes, this very thing! Thank you. I wasn't grasping it, but see EXACTLY what you mean and I want that in this chapter now.

Thanks, much appreciated. I will find it easier, I think, to address this when I do the next full edit continuously (i.e. not week by week). Cheers!

Thanks so much for your comments, ID. Yeah, yeah. You've got me. I'll get right onto this rewrite thing. Yes: this exactly. My rewrite/reshaping of the scene will be from (and including) the firefight, so I'll get the chance to work on the Q / DM confrontation again (and again, and again). Hmm. I like the idea of the second part, but still feel I need to address the concern of the first part. DM having time to swan around being spiteful to no great purpose, it seems to me, will tend to undermine his arc, although in the next breath, I do need to tidy up his whole thread, so who knows? I will consider introducing this gloating option. Yeah. Confused, and although I've changed this already in the space of editing here, I will take another run at it. The rewritten firefight will address it, I'm certain. I will fix it!! Promise. Fair comment, and I'm completely sold on the idea I need to revise this chapter substantially. The outcome of that will be to leave them on the wrong side of the law (again). All of them, including Shef WK. Great comments. Thank you so much for reading!

Hey Sarah, thank you so much for reading. Cool. Yes, I'm going for a couple more Mo POVs certainly. She has more in Book 1. Also agree with your comment here, and I'm now going to rewrite the chapter substantially to take the outcome in a less law-abiding direction. I'm glad all the comments are pointing at this: it feels right Thanks, fixed. It is, isn't it, and I can't remember why she's not looking at the clock. I think I'll just cut it. Nice point, subtle. I like it. It might get lost in the rewrite, but thank you. Well spotted. I'm delighted it took till now for you to get this feeling! I accept the charge that things should be faster around here. This leads me to rewriting the jail scene, which I think will improve the pacing around here. Yes, good point. I think the rewrite will give me a chance to show DM at his worst. Thanks for flagging this. Good point. excellent. Thank you so much for your comments.

Hey Silk, thank you so much for reading. Much appreciated. Actually, there's Mo POV in Chapters 1, 6, 13 and here in 17. I'm thinking of converting one, maybe two Q POVs to Mo, as she has such a fun and entertaining (I think) voice. Got the reword, thanks. And it's Q dressed like a tramp. There has been some reference to the 'dirty' clothes they stole quite a time back. Yeah, that's not Mo's voice. Changed. Note what you say You're right, and have changed this already in response to comment from Mandamon. HOWEVER, I'm now going to rewrite the chapter. See reply to Kais, above. Yeah, lack of clarity in description and intention. Whole chapter rewrite will deal with this. Fair point. I've ramped up Mo's reaction, although the rewrite is likely to negate this line, or change substantially. Yeah. It's a problem. He was the 3rd passenger in the plane that crashed. The other patient killed by DM in the hospital. Yeah, that was not the intention. I tried to flag that she was not going to C, but it come a bit later. Oops. I love wine. This was not my intention Thanks for all the typos. For this one, I cut 'one of'. I've given the patrons a reaction: good call. I'm always worried about whether something like this is too blatant, or too buried to carry the right effect, so, I am smiling now Maybe, but that I really hear when I read your question is 'Why hasn't Q asked himself this question?' Which is EXACTLY the right question for him to ask. Awesome. I'm totally using the personal stakes for Q in this chapter. He's now fighting against this penny that's trying to drop, but his entire being is willing against gravity to make it go back up! Yeah. I feel this, and I think, as Mandamon and Kais and... everyone, has noted, the problems are entrenched in the previous chapter when DM comes to the jail. I'm going to rewrite Chapter 17 to put our group and more importantly WK in conflict with the authorities and local law enforcement. I think that will work way better. Didn't find the book, and the problem with that is I cut a lot from that chapter, including how Mo found the book. But tracking them down, maybe. It's not supposed to be a vacation home, but how would you know that, right? I need to go back and leave a flag in the Book that Mo found that shows it's not just a vacation home registered in their name. Awesome comments, @Silk. Thanks so much

Hey, kais, thanks for reading. Comments greatly appreciated, as always! Yeah, sitting around. Interesting on E. Yes, I've dialled up her input a bit. When you say M would needle E, you mean DM, right? I thought you meant Mo, on first read, and could not figure that. Yeah, really. Typo, I guess. Changed, thanks. Yeah, I think I'm going to COMPLETELY REWRITE THIS CHAPTER. There's no need for it to play out 'politely' and 'by the book'. More exciting to have fight and for them to escape custody and therefore be on the run, and hide out at the bar, probably through D. Thanks for this. Good call. This approach (a fire fight), will put DM square in the 'bad person' category for the authorities as well. Yeah, see above. I've embellished a bit, BUT... now see above: complete rewrite initiated Yeah, I do think I need another M POVs chapter (at least one). I've flagged a couple of previous Q POVs to try switching to Mo. Well, we are heading towards stuff being done, but I appreciate this is quick-slow, and the next chapter is more slow. See above: I'm going to totally revamp the hail scene. Thanks for the great comments. Have really helped me focus on changing this chapter radically.

I don't know how you do it, but thanks as always for doing it! Right. Fair comment. I accept I need to ramp things up here (and in the next chapter, as you will discover), and I think what I shall do is drop a more significant reveal--that will not surprise some (any?). I think I need to reveal here who MC is, which should up the stakes and push events more than they are being pushed at the moment. Yeah. Thanks for noting. Good point. I will revise this to introduce a weapon and a way to deal with it in terms of circumventing jail security systems, which is why he didn't have one to start with. Yup, thanks. TT and MR. Not clear. Reworded. Reworded. I meant in their history means nothing, but that wasn't clear. Accepted. Yes, it's jumping around without clarity, I can see that, and I need to revise / upgrade the conversation between Q and DM. Thanks for flagging. Right. I'll hope this is WRS and that a refresh of all the TOM entries through the story will help clarify this. Hmm. I think what I'll do (which will play nicely against Book 3, I think), is have DM trying at each encounter to coerce/persuade Q into coming back in to the E-C fold. It was meant to be in terms of Sheriff Kr never having seen DM, but now believing Q in relation to a man in black in the hospital. Sheriff Ko does know DM. I've changed this so that Kr draws on DM, but Ko and the deputy draw on Kr, aiming for more of a confusing stand off. Good flag. Noted. I'll leave it for the next read through. Okay. I've done a bit more work on this. Thanks for flagging. The third passenger on the plane that crashed in Cr. I feel I have to use the name, because Kr would. I'll hope that it scans better without the WRS. Okay. If I can ask a supplementary, Is there something in particular that makes you disbelieve it? Yeah, good point. I've cut the line. I'll see how this plays with the group. To some extent, MC is releasing just enough to keep them going. Q managed to have 80 close down the connection (when in the drone 'copter). Not a big deal, I think/hope. Yeah, I can accept that. The whole thing was morphing as I was completing the original draft. It's tidied up to some extent in this edit, but still rough, and still needing rationalisation. This edit is distilling it, but it will take another (continuous) edit (without weekly submissions), to start to tighten it up properly, I feel. Naturally all comment are invaluable for this!! Great feedback, thank you so much for your continued patience!