Robinski

Hey SSmooth, thanks so much for reading! That's excellent Good, I'll take that. Weekly reading and gaps, etc. are always going to induce effects that 'normal' reading would not. So, I think I can go with this, at this stage. I've tweaked the line. I agree it was not 'ringing' true. I think it's better now. Thanks! Yay! Thank you again

We're watching Parks and Rec through for the first time, so this made me laugh.

Hey, Asmodemon, so glad to have you onboard Feedback seems to be universal on this. I am changing. I thought it might some doubt in the reader's mind. Fair enough. Kr has sort of gone off the rails in the last few hours in response to how he sees things on the ground. In my head, he's conflicted about this, hence his action. I think I will need to tag this in the rewritten chapter, show him coming to an acceptance of this. Fair comment. I was hoping to gloss over that and not have to explain too much. I guess I could drop a scene earlier in the story. I'll need to think about that, but I do take your point. From memory, someone commented on that at the time he came into the story. Noted. I'm not planning for them to remain like they are presently, anyway. Could not possibly comment... Yes, I'm rewriting this, and your point about letting them like is noted. I had tried to tag this, but think I need to revisit how I've handled that. I'm thinking about him using the as hostages. Great comments. Many thanks, greatly appreciated!

Hey, Sarah, thanks so much for reading. I’ve tweaked it slightly but, unusually for me, no pun was intended! Maybe a UK/NAF thing Great minds! I’ve started my rewrite and ‘little’ is already gone. Yes. The wording is muddled at best. Reworded. Happy to cut the maniacal grinning. Check. Inserted ‘carry’. Me neither. I’ll see if anyone who knows calls ‘foul’. Check. Added ‘and’, deleted ‘occasionally’. Excellent. I’m glad they seem to be going over well, generally. I feel they are the Chekov’s Gun of the story, being mentioned so early. Will I pull the trigger, as you suggest? Well now, we’ll just need to wait and see, won’t we... Thanks for commenting! Very helpful

Thanks for reading, Silk. Much appreciated. Yeah. Re-write coming up, although I don't think I'll submit it again, since I don't see it ending up in a greatly different place. We'll see. I may or may not be able to submit on Monday, depending how long this takes. These are all good thoughts. I mentioned earlier having the group undertake part of the conversation on the move, and that would tie in with them going to the house after all. That has to be more satisfying than them standing around, as has been noted. Okay. There's more to come on this aspect, so I'll wait and see how that plays out before changing anything in this thread. Yeah, thinking of cutting this call. Check. Other typos also dealt with, thank you. Check. Good point. I've 'name checked' the curfew. I'm going to reword these couple of paragraphs. They're not ringing 'good' to me. Fair point. Because it's a cool Spider-man line, obviously. But, for reasons, I'll probably cut it. Yeah. As noted, I'm going rewrite this chapter and take up your suggestion of sending them to the location. Maybe I will re-submit it on Monday, if I get through it, and if you guys can bear yet another rewrite. I have just had a neat idea (I think), that could play really nicely in this chapter, I think. There are some great aurora images on Streetview, which I was using for layout and mood in some of these locations out on the lake. Thanks for the endorsement of this! I enjoy what these images/this description does to the mood. Great comments. Thanks, Silk!!

Hey, ID, thank you so much for reading. Yes, I accept there are plenty of issues with this chapter. I think most arise because I'm still stumbling my way around the plot fixes, but I'm looking to rewrite the whole thing with all these good, motivating comments in mind. Thank you!

Hey Mandamon, many thanks for reading, I totally accept there are some major issues with this chapter. Well, they're not there yet. That's revealed in the next chapter. I was going for the heightened nervousness of the unknown in this chapter. Check. Yes. I was hoping it was clear enough, since they're not looking for anyone else. I meant in terms of darkness, covert action, sneaking around messing stuff up. I've rewritten around here, so hopefully clearer. Check. Second comment about. But if keeping to reveal till next chapter is causing an issue I might need to move it. It's an ammo clip reference. I will review. Heh . I'll see how it plays through the two chapters and revise from there. Yes. I think this is the problem around here, and I need to ramp up the tension hugely as to why he wouldn't just kill them. Okay, that's a problem. There is a reason for it, but... Oh, good. Sight reprieve maybe, but still. I'll need to look at the whole second part of the chapter with the various calls which are killing to the tension, as noted. I was going for angry. To be reviewed and light of all the comments in this round. Comes back to the underlying reason which... A lot of these issues I'm sure are arising because I generally only ever have a rough outline of the plot, but not the details of the back end. So, by this point, I am discovery writing to the end, and my propensity for adding layers of complication has been largely unchecked. Thanks for the great comments. Once I've harvested everything from these great critiques I will chop up this chapter and try and knock it into shape. Thanks again

And I'm back. Sorry for the delay. Great comments these. Yes, yes, and hundred time yes (well, three anyway). Rather lazily, I've cleaved (cloven?) to the previous path of this chapter without really embracing the re-writes of the previous two which was lazy. What I will do, I think (I'll got through the other critiques first), is recast the chapter so that any necessary dialogue from this version takes place on the move in a West Wing-y sort of wise, so that the potential that I may have managed to generate in Chp.18 is 'released' and converted to kinetic energy as quickly as possible. Thanks again for calling me on this. I loooove VLs, These are old skool 6/7' tall John Hammond / Richard Attenborough / JP variety all the way. Check. Thanks. No, not really. He doesn't get a lot of lines. He comes in back at Chp.14. I think if you'd been in sine then you'd remember that he was there Good point. I've done that. Maybe a bit cluttered now, but I'll refine it on the next pass. Fair comment. Done. I think I'm going to put one conversation in the vehicle. I would put it out on the lake, but they're supposed to be keeping quiet and not attracting attention at that point. Ah, this is the British origin of the 'long shot' expression. Perhaps it's archaic. I hope I have ramped up the tension a bit before this passage, so that it resonates better. I've reworded. I agree it wasn't clear. I think that might be a factor. I'll see how the others find it. Yeah, it's Q responding to M. Now tagged. Okay. Noted. I'll see how it plays with the others. I was going for things getting worse in the sense that DM has the now. However, I need to ramp up the danger. Why would he not kill them? I tried to explain it through Kr's line about going by the book, but I agree there is a whole mess of calls around here and nothing else is happening. It's really flat. I need to fix it somehow, probably by cutting at least one call. I've changed it to Kr hanging up, but it may go anyway. Thanks for the comments, Liz. Very helpful

I'd like a slot on Monday, please. Need to get the momentum back

Hey, ID. Thank you so much for reading. I always appreciate you comments (I hope!). Another vote. Yes, see above. Could be doable. Okay, good. Things getting clearer sound like progress to me. I hear what you say about the opening discussion. I agree, it's still a bit clunky. I keep poking a prodding it. I'll leave it for the next full edit, but suspect strongly it will change again. You were right the first time. Shear carelessness on my part All reaction is good? Dunno, but I'll always take 'glad' Thanks so much for reading, ID. Comments much appreciated.

Hey Asmodemon, great to hear from you. Glad that you are still lurking around here super! No (further) comment I'm glad this worked for you, because it was completely absent from the first version!!! And well might you ask that! I'm not going to do all the (future) constitutional homework. I'm happy for people to be wondering if he can do that. (He can't do that, can he?!) Many thanks for reading. Comments much appreciated!!

Hey, thanks for comment, Kais. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back here. Yay! I'm pleased it's coming together, so much down to all the wonderful feedback and critique, of course. I'm indebted to you, and to everyone here. Well, there's at least one short in it, I'll guarantee* you that. And also the Berlin library excursion*. He's trying to distract himself from thinking about his son, and all the implications that arise from him being here in YK. I've made that a bit more blatant at the first use of the word 'distraction'. I need everyone to get it. Oops. Ta. Yes, yes. Ok <goes away>. <comes back again> Ok, done. I like it. Hopefully the world will too! Yup. The bit after she pitches for the job. Now cut. Hmm... the next book. I have a lot of notes for it. I'll say no more about this now. Your pleading his been entered into the record Heh. Yay . I think past edits and future refinement will clarify the whole thing. It's been taking better shape as we go, but re-writing these two chapter has helped a lot. Great comments. Thank you so much! (*...assuming the right people survive this book, of course)

Thanks for reading, Silk. I always look forward to the Canadian Inquisition Yay! As a top line, I'm very glad to hear this. No, no it does not!! I've tweaked the slider up a smidge. Yes, this is what I hope I've done. Excellent Sorry about this. It seems to happen every week now. It's like the style tags don't move when I edit the text, or something. I think it's a Mac vs Word scenario. I'll try and weed these out before sending future files, but I think it only happens when the file is reopened. You're right. I agree on all counts. Edited. Okay. My thought was that he blanked it, because it was impossible, in his mind. Not least because of the access MC has evinced. Thanks. I always fall for that one; one of my (many) blindspots. Check. I'm glad to hear it, as I kept it. Hmm... I'll think on this. Good. On balance, I'll stick with it at this stage, I think and see how it feels in the next full edit, some weeks from now. Most excellent comments, thank you, Silk!! Much appreciated.

Many thanks for reading, Liz. That's good. I take your point about the cuteness. Silk commented similar in the first version, and I tweaked slightly. I guess I could dive into an analysis of M having lost her parents at an early age and subconsciously overreacting against / overcompensating for her own loud-mouth, abrasive public persona, but that might be me protesting too much. I'll consider how I might adjust it. I've cut a couple or three tags / directions. Good call. Agree. Rainbow is gone. Yes, that doesn't come across right. I think maybe the word 'measured' is causing the issue, so I've changed that, but also tweaked Q's response. Noted. I've tried to soften the edges a bit. Ah, this was aimed at something else, but is now out of context after modifications elsewhere. I've cut it in preference for M being more determinedly teenager-y. Ah, well, originally it's an Aboriginal Australian phrase relating to a rite of passage undergone by (male) adolescents. Name and theme of a powerful and interesting film by Nick Roeg (1971). By this point, I think this is clear, without it actually being stated, so anyone who hasn't guess before now, will get this, but maybe by 95-99%, but maybe still have a chink of doubt. Hopefully though (and I appreciate you have come in more than half way through), it plays out in a satisfying way over the course of the chapters leading to here, and still will be a 'satisfying' reveal when it comes. Okay. I'll note this and see how it plays out across the group. This is a callback to an earlier instance of such communal listening tech being used. Noted, but maybe it plays better for someone who read that earlier chapter. I will see! Hmm, okay. I'll take another look. Maybe it's my long-term the wordy old BBC Ooh. That wasn't my intention. I was aiming too allude to the control that TOM has been exerting. I'll take a look at that ending. Great comments, thank you so much

Mr. Fox! Good to hear from you. As a father, I would say no, not indecent at all. Go for it > 1 vote.

Our garden is very wet, just because of the way it sits in a bit of bowl, and, you know, Scotland... So, we have a ton of slugs and snails. I loooooooaaathee slugs, loath, detest, abhor them. Althoughhhhhh, centipedes are faster. So (for me), it's like the difference between fast zombies and slow zombies.

Ok, yes a new (reprised) description would help. LOL, I'll add it to my growing collection Ah, this takes me back to all my travelling apologies (not to be confused with the Travelling Wilburys). This will help a good deal, I expect. There are may good things happening in this facet, it's the lack of direction / indecisiveness / constantly trying-and-failing that I found frustrating. Well, as I hope you know, I will b*tch from dawn till dusk, but I will always still with it

Comments. (page 1) - "are in fact uses for all six houses" - applications. And I'm not keen on the use of 'cause', which does not sound like a deliberate effect, but more like a side effect. - "keep away or allow" - The language in the epigraph is not, I feel, sufficiently technical for someone as experienced and senior as a lead surgeon. It's the word choice, I feel. - "poked their roofs above the shrubbery" - But the houses don't do this sentiently, as this wording suggests. This is a case where wording should be passive, IMO. The roofs of houses poked above the shrubbery. - "there were none of the other species of this facet in evidence" - Super wordy, and why is this relevant? It's not like there are a bunch of Meth present (for example). Is it not just the case that there are no other beings present at all (regardless of origin)? - "nearly dropped the arm he was carrying" - sounds like the arm is separate from the body. Suggest 'supporting'. - "surrounded by a crowd of familiar beings" - But how long has he been aware of these beings? Days? I struggle a bit with him considering them familiar. (page 2) - "Don’t be like this!" - I like this plaintive protest against his fundamental nature. I like to see him fighting internally against it, when in Book 1 he gave in so often. - "called up to his" - How are they above him? I don't understand. Earlier, they were across from him, and they're carrying the sam person. - "that does not take our other in." - But the Ef's other inst. is already dead, are they not? This line does not seem to represent the situation in this case. - "tremors going through this one" - Is this not the form of address used by the Sa? Or is it the Ben? It's not used by the Ar, is it? Oh, wait, she's referring to the diadem. Unclear, IMO. (page 3) - "with them so close" - who/what is them? Not totally clear it's the two diadem, as only one has been mentioned. - "he didn’t quite touch" - Either he does or he doesn't. Vagueness like this is distracting / frustrating. - "He watched the A houses" - too passive, IMO, if he's trying to distract himself. Maybe 'examined', 'scanned', 'studied'. - "She allowed me to study her" - 'it', I think. Or 'her's', I suppose. - "had ever had anyone he could be intimate with" - really awkward. Could say 'had every been with someone'. (page 4) - "He guessed x was nervous, though the N" - I think 'though' is off. If he has to guess, then the N is not translating at all. - "seemed to want to tell him" - vagueness again. - "He had been aware of a lot..." - a lot of what? This sentence is kind of vague and wandering, I feel. - "and he tried not to make eye contact" - vagueness again. Avoiding eye contact is easy, in a physical sense. 'and he avoided eye contact.' is clearer. Just because he's uncertain, does to mean he can't act to avoid eye contact, in fact, it should be reflexive for him. - This stuff is interesting, but it all feels too relaxed. It feels rather like they're having an intellectual conversation when the Ef is hurt. I'm not sensing much urgency, or concern for their health. (page 5) - "the handsome A" - Mmm. This clashed for me when I read it first, but I let it go, however... S has only known of the existence of aliens for how many weeks? And for Ar for how many days? And with all his his terror of the world, now he's find them romantically attractive? I struggle with this. Not least because I don't know anything about how this creature looks, 'anatomically'. I and E and basically 'human' to all intents and purposes, are they not? I.e. Meth in appearance? - "Then you think some old memories may be intact and stored?" - Seems to me this is exactly what they just said. This line seems superfluous to me, and makes I look a bit thick. - "There were some aspects of Ar anatomy" - this is a comment from a previous chapter, but I forget the answer. Surely, there have been non-Ar Efs and they must have worn the diadem, have they not? - "They may well be" - He said the were above, now he's almost second-guessing his own comment. This dialogue could stand to be tied up / energised, m'thinks. (page 8) - "You are different" - But he has noticed these physical differences before, has he not? Surely, they would be completely obvious to him, especially the eye colour, since he has been intimate with E. If he did not notice before )in previous chapters), I really think he would, wouldn't he, before now? - "snapping a report back" - 'retort'. - "she’s able to pull me out" - who's 'she'? Is WoWo not a 'they'? (page 10) - "though the N supplied them with what they needed" - seems to repeat an earlier line. - "through waves at the ocean" - awkward wording, kind of disjointed, compared to something like 'through ocean waves' or 'through waves at the beach'. - "and relief" - I'd suggest not using the word 'relief' until they get there. It releases the tension too early. I thought he had emerged when this word occurred, but he hasn't. Keep us gasping, IMO. - "It was only then when he recognized" - redundant. - "against the other end of the wall" - other side of the wall, IMO. They're not going to emerge at the end of the wall. (page 13) - good tension over the last pages, and them encountering the El and being blocked, and them eating the wall, was all good 'things getting worse'. - "invading fingers" - this threw me, because it's just a voice, how does a voice have fingers? I feel there's a better description. - "He was resisted them as the voice weakened" - typo. Not sure math's intended. - I don't see how drum beats can rhyme. Rhyming is very specifically about the sound of words. (page 14) - I like the description of them running through the crystal. - "like a three-legged stool set on its side and pushed" - Too much, unnecessary, IMO. We know S has been 'shot out of a gun', we know they're tumbling. - "It was the first time he’d really had a chance to look up" - Meh. I don't believe this. - "instead of grass" - it say glass previously. Inconsistent. (page 15) - "S’s eyebrows raised" - apart from the fact that 'raised' always grates with me, and I think should be 'rose', I have problems with characters noticing this in their own POV. Imagine if it was first person. 'My eyebrows rose...' It's just not a thought we would express, is it? Feels weird to me. - The narrative around the portal feels rambling and disjointed to me. - "then turn in a circle" - turned, presumably. (page 17) - I'm getting fatigued by this chapter. It was plenty of good stuff in it, tension, background, personal interaction, but near the end here, it's going all scientific and theoretical when it should be carrying me to the end and some sort of satisfying conclusion. It could have ended with the El trapping them inside the wall. That would be a good, incredibly tense, chapter conclusion. I think the pacing is problematic beyond that. - "an extended metaphysical discussion" - exactly my problem at this point. - "There was a feeling as if things were moving" - this feels like retconning. I don't remember this. (page 18) - "this little metaphysical discussion" - repetitive. - "not be sustained long enough to reach any other destination" - What's the point of this discussion? Why did they stop considering portals, that seems the clear answer and I was expecting S to create a portal to Dal. - "but I want to get E and I first" - What?! So this was a second abortive trip to the wall, and now they're going back to the city AGAIN?! Overall This chapter has plenty of satisfying things in it, and a couple of very good scenes, but it's very baggy, IMO, and the we end up back where we started, for the second time. By the end, I'm frustrated that there is no word motion after all of that running around. Try-fail is all very well, but usually there is some forward motion. I feel like we're just stuck, and our M/C is now going to wait around while the world ends, for his friends to finish some sort of self-discovery, WHILE THE WORLD ENDS. It's like I'm reading two stories, one with POVs trying to do something about the problem (Man, Or, Ri - also Re), and one where where the POVs are focused on their own personal issues and relationships. The grown-up POVs are much more compelling to me, and I've ended up becoming frustrated with S again.

So, it's someone you know, who knows the pronunciation of the names, etc.? Where can we access it? Will you post a link when the podcast is up? (Or send a PM?)

I'll bear this in mind. You should be, it's fun, and very on tone. Are you reading it for the audio?

<face palm>

Hi Alpaca! Normally, I would jump at this, but I've got so much on at the moment, and I'm already behind on various critiques. Sorry! Good luck.

Sorry, I keep posting / editing above. I'm not finished (clearly), but I'm having cut-and-paste issues and need to navigate away from the page : O /

Nice to be reading in the Ard-verse again. I hope these comments are still of some use. I'm emailing LBLs, so there is a lot of minor line comments in there that I won't clog up this thread with (page 1) - There are 17 ways, but then they are identified as types, but I think there are only two types, Type 1, and Type 2, which has 16 variant ways (2 thru 17). I have my doubts about the description of the second type also, at first it seemed there was no distinction, until the sash was mentioned, and the bit about the girlfriend is an absolute: wear the robe or not, only two options, and so could not produce 16 different variants. As the opening of the story I think this needs to be tighter, the logic feels loose to me. It's so important to humour to be accurate, IMO; precise. (page 2) - Why does her feeling great lead to her standing next to the other two while they talk? I feel something's missing here, like 'Which is why she was standing...' not paying attention, or with a smile on her face. - What does the place being a town/city (difference here, but both terms are used) have to do with diversity? The N's are there anyway, so the population is diverse. (page 3) - "feelings about the whole third party issue" - I like this as a conflict. I was wondering if this was just going to be a straightforward relationship story (which would have surprised me), but thankfully it seems anything but! (page 5) - "sudden haircut" - This sounds weird, and tells me little about the situation. It sounds everyday, and not something relevant to crisis. (page 6) - "busy unwinding a day’s tension" - but she's only been in the chamber a short time, hardly the tension of an entire day. (page 9) - In the 'making out' scene, I have a lot of comments about word choice. I feel many of the key words are not erotic or sensual at all 'grabbed', 'snuck', 'crashed'. These are ugly, forceful words. I need this to be much more sensual and word choice is the way to do that, IMO. (page 10) - "I have a meeting in the morning" - Who does? Unclear from lack of dialogue tag. - "had sex" - the directness (let's call it) is not what I look for in this sort of arc. Seems to me it's about romance and commitment, and the passion that comes with that,. I feel the directness undermines that. (page 11) - There are four sentences starting with 'So' on this page; that's three too many, IMO. (page 12) - "koalas" - Lol, yes. I'm fine with this in a way that I'm not about the rabbits in Q. I think it's down to overall tone. I always felt Ar has a freewheeling, almost humours and relaxed tone that I never got from Q. - ...but, if this becomes all about the koala, I'm walking out. It's a cute detail, but not as a/the major theme, IMO. (page 13) - "Fruit" - Grudgingly, I will say that this week much more organic, much more woven into the arc of the story in terms of foreshadowing, then the rabbits in Q. (page 14) - "roughly the size of her head" - This threw me off completely. Surely this is too big for a koala to eat? Surely, they don't eat such large things in the wild? They eat leaves, don't they? - Also, how did the koalas get here? It seems they have no keepers, so is the implication that they piloted the ship themselves (maybe I overlooked something)?!!! This implies some intelligence. Is there a 'keeper' somewhere? - "small pocket knife from her boot and sliced the fruit in half" - I really think the fruit is too big. This would be a major exercise with a small knife. She'd need to put it down, hack all the way around and the middle would still be joined. I think there's a big issue with scale here (pun intended). - "A tree ring." - Mmmm, but is it? E would know that if she said 'tree ring' to Ata, Ata would think dendochronologically, yet E did not correct her, or explain. This seems unlikely to me, and feels like author ex machina. (page 16) - "E is in danger!" - I'm not completely clear what type or scale of danger she is in. Is it purely because at thinks these creatures will mob her a rip her to bits? I'm struggling with that a bit. They don't seem antagonistic, in the sense that they would mob together and attack (like say, ooh, I don't know, MTs for example ). (Page 18) - "boot slipped on one of the woven rungs" - Eh? I thought E was climbing the ladder? At is still gasping up the hill to the top of the town, surely? - "What was the use of being a god..." - - "good spot to do it" - I'd say I've been thinking this is a reverse play by E for three of four pages now, basically when the rings appeared in the first place (and I wasn't sure what size they were. at first). (page 19) - "was in a dress" - Yup, it's coming. Suspicion confirmed! (page 20) - Good emotional tone in this build it. Surprising yet inevitable that this was what we were leading up to. (page 25) - "gold" - Oh, nice touch. Well done. Very satisfying. (page 27) - I think the last two lines need work. I don't think they're satisfying enough. Don't think I've every heard E swear, so that feels out of character. And 'word poorly' is grammatically lax. I realise verbing a noun can work as a counterintuitive punchline for humourous purposes, but I think it awkward at the end, a cheap shot when we need everything to be just right. Overall Good story. Effective arc, nice pacing. Great to be back with a couple (plus brief glimpses) of familiar characters. I thought the pages around the gazebo could do with more work. There was a lot of stuttering and random thoughts flying around. Just a bit flabby maybe; I think the ending can be tighter. Very satisfying overall though. Good job. All the LBLs by email. Thanks for sharing

Wow, quick response! Thanks so much, Liz. I hear you, and completely accept your overarching reaction. Several ideas came to mind pretty much instantly of ways to address this, which is a clear indication--I think--of how weak the chapter arc/action/momentum is. Thanks for calling me on it. I'll come back in detail later, and so sorry I have not yet responded on the Chap.18 re-submission. I will get to that as soon as I can, but need to do some critiquing now