Robinski

Here are my comments, which I read through again before posting, (and the rest that I've commented on up to now--as a means to getting back up to speed and delving back into reading). I tweaked them very slightly, as highlighted in blue. Comments I didn’t really think ahead to this chapter, but if I had, I think I’d want her to be back at the palace, so that’s good. It’s reading well, I like how her entrenched ideals are faced with the challenge of feeling sympathy for the cow, and then her enthusiasm for the kitchens. “found her feet stopping”- I’m firmly and profoundly against people discovering their body parts doing thinks apparently of their own freewill, because, eyes, jaws, arms, etc. have no freewill, and that happens is a deliberate act of the body on some level. IMO, the effect is to make the protagonist sound terribly passive and ineffectual: weak, not in charge of their own body. “main room of the kitchen” – confused: she was going into one of many rooms, but it’s now the main room of the kitchen, what other rooms are there? The larders? The cold store? The rest doesn’t seem relevant after this. “a million other jobs” – Earlier, there were a million kinds of spices. Hyperbole is best used sparingly in narrative, IMO. It feels to me kind of like cheap sensationalism, but you especially don’t get two of these in the same chapter, I reckon, let alone on the same page. Also, I’m prepared to accept that it takes 100 kitchen staff to run the kitchen, but I don’t believe you’d be able to see them all in the same place at the same time, and certainly not when you are standing in one spot. There will be some away fetching and carrying, some in the stores, some on a break, some behind partitions, etc. And I expect there will be a separate nightshift that comes on later to wash up and deal with requests for room service late at night. My mother had this theory about 'night starvation' which involved having a wee snack if one woke up during the night, like cheese and biscuits. Because of course cheese does not give one nightmares...not much!! “human-sized vases of flour, sugar, and more” – This seems hugely impractical to me. The flour and sugar must arrive in smaller containers, doesn’t it? It must do, sacks that can be loaded onto waggons and then carried into the kitchen. So, these then have to be tipped into a six-foot storage vessel. Do you not then need a ladder to get any flour or sugar (grain, whatever) out again? That would be crazy, so there must be some other mechanism, like a hopper at the bottom? It just seems really labour intensive, a lot of double-handing, to use a modern term. Not efficient. Also, they can't be called vases, surely. Vases are for flowers. There must be another word. Change of POV – Hmm, while I don’t automatically object to this, as we’ve been in Ir’s POV almost the entire time (with that small secret agent POV in Chapter…2?); I hope there is a good reason for it. “it would take four” – This is a nice moment, and this POV is nicely done: we get to see Ir enjoying the kitchen. I’m just not sure the POV switch adds anything that could not be conveyed in Ir’s POV. Pe could have said out loud about allowing the extra days. Pe doesn’t actually do anything, just watches Ir. I recall WE talking about whose POV the narrative should be in with a multi-POV piece, and the accepted view (espoused by Dan, I think) was that we should be in the POV of the character with the most at stake. In this situation, that remains Ir, because we don’t know what’s at stake for Pe. “as the small woman” – Wait, is this a third POV in this chapter? This doesn’t read as being back in Ir’s POV. So, we’re in Gol’s POV, it seems. Nope “Ir felt like her blood” – So, we are in Ir’s POV. The ‘small woman’ is a POV typo then. “vowed not to tell anyone else, concerned about voiding the contract because of her lack of secrecy” – Oh, come now! She doesn’t get to be all holier than though about this now after telling everyone she met for an entire day, basically (that was how it felt to me). “coworkers” – So, these are Pe’s colleagues, right? LOL! Sorry, could not resist that. > ‘co-workers’, I think. I read it as cow-workers, of course. “They walked me to the gates tonight” – What gates? Confused. I don’t know what’s being talked about here. “Using your magic to sense how I’m doing” – Confused: that’s not Ir’s power. Oh, no, it’s Car’s POV, but do I know what Car’s ability is? Maybe I did, but I’ve forgotten. OVERALL (Somewhat outdated given your opening comments) – This chapter is really short, and I’m struggling to see how it merits being a chapter on its own. There are four pages in Ir’s POV where we see the palace kitchens, but we don’t see them properly, and for all the ‘big’ and glowing terms used to describe them, they don’t come over especially wonderous. I feel like we are left with the narrative telling us they are wonderous, without actually being shown that. I really did think we were going to see Ir walking through the kitchens, seeing amazing things, techniques, ingredients and people, seeing them working acts of culinary wizardry, which very well could be described, cooking with ingredients that It has never seen before, and cannot even identify. Then, I thought we would get a first episode of Ir and Pe going through the first part of the kitchens to name the staff, of whom there are 100, but that is either skipped over, or they turn around and go out again. Switching to Pe’s POV to see Ir wondering at the kitchen does not work for me, because of the reasons above. It’s all telling, IMO, no showing. The culinary art is Ir’s raison d’être, so, I believe it’s important to see the extraordinary nature of the kitchen through her eyes, not remotely through Pe’s. And, we need much more texture, more detail, the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of her first trip through the kitchen. I was expecting this to spin out into a whole delicious foodie trip through the best kitchen in the world, meeting the characters that she will be interacting with over the next four days, but, the way this chapter is at the moment, you could cut it entirely and just see it as a flashback through Ir’s eyes as she sits shooting the breeze with Car and Gr.

Ha! I'm losing my touch. It never even occurred to me that I was reading a Word file, and could highlight that text to see what it was . I must have been so totally immersed.

Hey, you're welcome. Sorry that it was a bit curt in places. When I get frustrated I get...'lippy'. Just ask any of my long-suffering colleagues It most certainly in not personal. I like the style of your writing, and goodness knows there are way fewer LBL-type comments that I would make on the submissions than some we've had over the years, and that stuff matters to me. I would not hesitate to read anything you submitted, and I look forward to the next one.

Comments (page 1) - Good character and good voice in the first section. - "a well-connected Martian plant" - Eh, I must admit that I read this as her uncle being an important local aspidistra. - "Minister of Defense" - The strings holding my disbelief up just snapped. This is just too convenient, and easy, IMO. (page 2) - "which she had purposefully left on the ship to seem negligent" - Okay, this is the fourth in the last month: yes, I've been counting. I choose to believe it's autocorrect stepping in to insert the wrong word. If she did it on purpose, it's purposely. Purposefully means with determination and resolve. That is not the context here. - "She and the man" - What man? - "Deputy Minister of Energy, five o’clock" - What is this? - "the man said" - Where did he come from? Blocking confused. - Oh, five o'clock; it's a clock bearing. I get it now. The problem for me is that her uncle appears from nowhere in narrative terms, so I've got no foothold in the blocking of the scene. - "unnecessary amenities like hair salons and chocolate shops" - What has this to do with the Deputy defence minister? - So, what was the young man doing? Was he the Deputy defence minister? I'm confused. (page 3) - "regular acid rain discouraged even the stupidest of fools" - That and the 880-degree temperatures. - "a true testament to their strain" - Strain? As in breed? I don't follow. (page 5) - "Either option would be a huge display of extravagance" - I like this point, decent bit of world building, but I'm struggling to follow the story. Not in terms of its logic, but I don't know what the mission is, and because of that, I don't really care whether she succeeds or not. A character can be well realised, but if I'm not interested in what they are doing, or I don't know what they're doing, or why they are doing it, it's hard to invest in the story. - Also, what is the timeline? Where did she get all these friends from? I take it some time has passed with her living on Venus? It's not clear. I mean, there are a lot of words going into what people are wearing, and that creates a visual image, and a mood, but I don't know what anyone is doing, or why. - Wait, what? Where did the rest of the chapter go? It just ends on the description of clothing? That's...that's not good. There's not story in that, no narrative, no character. I'm really confused. You need to draw people into the next chapter, or boot them in the backside into the next one. I have no reason to keep reading. This is some kind of typo, right? (page 7) Chapter 3 - Ah, so this is another POV? I don't feel I'm sufficiently invested in the Ca to be faced with another POV. This one seems to be more invested in furniture then anything else. (page 8) - ANOTHER POV? I'm beyond my saturation point now. And another new character, or is it two? I can't keep track, and I don't care about any of them, because no one is 'on screen' long enough to give them any personality, or for me to get to know them, know what they are doing and why. There is excellent and credible advice from any number of sources that it is a good idea to beginning writers to write a single POV, and learn how to do that well before attempting something that their skill is not equal to. I'm not going to say that I have mastered that, or even that I followed that advice, BUT character is where every story starts and, IMO, finishes. There was some good indication of character in the first submission: two characters, each given enough space on the page to achieve some depth and texture for the reader to buy into. Here though, we get character after character after the character and none is given any space or time to shine, to allow the reader to engage with the, and learn their motivations. I think this is as major issue, and I'm going to bow out at this point, because I don't see any way back from here for my engagement with the story. My advice would be to go listen to Brandon's lecture series, if you have not already, or maybe Season 13 of Writing Excuses, which was all about character. Some of the headings from that season are listed below (forgive my annotations, couldn't be bothered deleting them!). I feel this is where the problems lie in this submission. Too many characters leads to insufficient development leads to no reader engagement, IMO. Sorry if that comes over as harsh, but that's what I felt. S13E1 – 7/1/18 – Hero, Protagonist, Main Character – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E2 – 14/1/18 – Writing Active Characters – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E3 – 21/1/18 – What Do Writers Get Wrong (WDWGWA)? – DW, MRK, HT, Aliette de Bodard S13E4 – 28/1/18 – Protagonists Who Aren’t Sympathetic – BS, VL, DW, HT S13E5 – 4/2/18 – Villain, Antagonist, Obstacle – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E6 – 11/2/18 – External Conflicts for Characters – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E7 – 18/2/18 – What Writers Get Wrong – BS, MRK, DW, HT, with Lou Perry S13E8 – 25/2/18 – Making Characters Distinctive – BS, VEM, DW, HT S13E9 – 4/3/18 – Quick Characterisation – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E10 – 11/3/18 – Handling a Large Cast – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E11 – 18/3/18 – Writing Secondary Characters, with Charlaine Harris – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E13 – 1/4/18 – Character Voice – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E14 – 8/4/18 – Character Nuance – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E16 – 22/4/18 – Avoiding Flat Characters – BS, VL, DW, HT S13E18 – 6/5/18 – Naturally Revealing Character Motivation – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E19 – 13/5/18 – Backstories – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E22 – 3/6/18 – Character Arcs – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E23 – 10/6/18 – Internal Conflicts – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E25 – 24/6/18 – Our Journey With Character – BS, VL, DW, HT S13E26 – 1/7/18 – Character Relationships – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E27 – 8/7/18 – Characters as Foils – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E32 – 12/8/18 – How To Handle Weighty Topics – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E40 – 7/10/18 – Fixing Character Problems, Part I – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E41 – 14/10/18 – Fixing Character Problems, Part II – BS, MRK, AEM, MB S13E43 – 28/10/18 – Characters Who Are Smarter Than You Are – MRK, DW, HT, AEM S13E44 – 4/11/18 – Alien Characters – BS, MRK, DW, HT S13E45 – 11/11/18 – Next Level Narration – BS, MRK, AEM, MB

Comments! (page 1) - "find the bacon" - LOL. - "hoped that her head would’ve healed while she slept" - Oh, boy, I have hoped this a time or two... - "Worry and anger warred in his head" - Yeah, it took @Mandamon's comment on the last chapter to remind me of this, because it is brushed over as the most natural thing in the world, something that's accepted, that she can, and chooses to, sense his emotions. If this is happening specifically as s result of the demon damaging her mind--and she does not in fact want to do it (as was discussed earlier on), then I think you really need to show her calling herself out, or feeling that something is wrong. (page 3) - "Blackout Protocol" - I don't remember what this is either, context or detail. - "What’s a Siphon?" - not sure that we've heard about this either. - "people reading her texts" - yeah, she does totally deserve this after reading his mind all those times, and others'. It's rather poetic justice. (page 4) - "glowing being growing gradually dimmer" - really awkward. I know it's LBL, but I thought it was worth special mention - "My device recorded you almost dying in a trap the people I built it for had set for you" - This is excellent and very much the sort of stakes that I want to be coming out now. I said last time that a slow chapter was cool as long as followed by one that ups the ante, and this fits the bill for me. A good bit of conflict is just what the story needed, especially between these two. (page 5) - "An attack up in Maine would keep their attention away from Boston" - Maybe WRS, but not sure I really grasped the geography when this happened before. - "They would’ve died" - Who? - "I watched you through the scanner while you slept" - Excellent. (page 7) - "I just told you I can’t keep your feelings out of my head" - Whoo, this is a really passive aggressive way to thin of it!! Like it's his fault! - "searching her memories for Blackout Protocol" - Was it? I don't remember it being specific about what it was looking for, but that might be my DRS from yesterday. (page 8) - The redacted stuff is cool. Nice touch. And the introduction of Ev----ar. - "you’re supposed to be taking a break from all this" - Since when has this been a thing? I don't really remember this from earlier in the story, but it might be WRS. The thing is, she got call to go help grandfather et al, so it must be a new thing. (page 9) - I don't really follow the logic of the breakup here. He doesn't come out and say it, for one thing, and then she assumes (although he does not deny it). I'd just prefer if it was clearer, and I didn't have to guess or presume their intentions. OVERALL Yes, I like all the conflict in this chapter and the inevitable breakdown when all this stuff came out. I think it's pretty well done (although it want emotional intent to be much clearer during the argument. She is rather getting what she deserved with all the head reading stuff, so that was good, something like this was coming, and I rather enjoyed it when it arrived. Good job.

Looks like it worked out to me. Well done

Quality!! Well done

Excuse me, miss, I think you dropped this penny

This did not come through at all for me. I think it would be reasonable to just come out and tell the reader this, otherwise it starts to look like some of Me's behaviour in the draft before it was commented on here, about the unsanctioned mind reading, etc.

Comments!! (I'm on a roll ). (page 2) - Good set up, good backstory for the uncle. I almost feel I know him better than Mom. I like the atmosphere created by the drive back to college too. Wind in her hair, probably it's cold, dark, clear sky maybe. Cars whipping by on the highway. Nice. - "trampled, slimy feeling in her head" - Effective impression of the incursion by the demon. (page 3) - "because every memory of him was tainted now" - It is? Why? - "run into his arms and make new memories" - Oh, good line. - "Why did you run off?" - Oh, okay, but surely that doesn't mean that everything is tainted. (page 5) - "Blurboard" - I don't know what this is. (page 6) - "lit up a mudroom" - I don't know what this is. (page 7) - "The sharp edges in her head were starting to soften and hum" - great line. (page 8) - "The darker energies seemingly appearing out of nowhere drove me to his notes" - I can't remember him opening up to her about demons and other dimensions. WRS, I'm sure. (page 9) - "You think these things eat people?" - Why does he not react with more surprise that she accepts this stuff when he spouts it? I like him revealing the scene in which we already know it was her that saved him, but I don't remember them having a clear the air chat. - "like pretzels" - Great line. And always with the food similes OVERALL This is a very gentle, relationship-y chapter, with lots of feelings and sensitivity. That makes it quite slow, but I kind of like the places it goes. It does put pressure on the next chapter to get on with the plot, and provide some 'action', but I have no objection to a chapter like this. It's nice to see these two becoming (more) comfortable with each other. One thing that is quite apparent from reading this chapter, I think, (although not directly as a result of it) is how it highlights that the overall plot / story arc is pretty weak. I can see how there are pieces, and they link together, but I really want a much more compelling and cohesive story plot so that, when we fall into an action chapter, I have something to hold onto, and to recall from the previous action chapter. To recap what I think we do have: (1) Me saves Mi from some demon - fair enough: good action early on, promising; (2) Mi is into paranormal, he has as secret, Me wants to know - so do I, but it's really not in focus after first being mentioned, and, after a good early action chapter, I think the story (in terms of plot) very quickly loses its way and become lost in a web of relationships, teen-age angst and emotional confusion; (3) There is a group of humans who are up to no good, and maybe working in tandem with...; (4) The X-roads demon, which has no identity or personality, and I think should be a known entity, as we have an antagonist that we can have in mind and direct our worry, fear and scorn towards; (5) The bad humans try to kill Mi - this is or can be very important to the story, but it is played way, way, way down to the point that I don't care, because this group have no identity, no personality on the page, they are pretty much a blank. Maybe all the demons, the antagonists, etc. are the B plot, but the reader still needs to care about them, and I really don't because I know nothing about them. It feels a bit like they are only wheeled out when something needs to happen for the M/C to react to. So, there we go. I hope this is helpful. I am still enjoying the story, but I want more from it.

Heh, oops! I realise that it may have come across that I was suggesting scorched earth and tearing everything apart. I didn't mean to do that (although I see that might be how it came across). There's nothing wrong, IMO, with her having a loving family, I just though that everything in her life seemed actually to be going pretty well. The restaurant burned down, and she really sunk into the guilt of that, which was really good, but then she got a golden ticket from the BK. The seeds of family disruption are there already, and I think you are right to focus on the friction between her a Su, but her mum and dad can still be a rock. In LotR everything turned to ash and darkness but Sam was still there, F-do's emotional rock. The arc off the story takes her to the palace and into the BK's employ. That's a really cool opportunity to entangle her in darkness, without her being dark herself (as it were). It certainly doesn't need to be Grimdark, but maybe one aspect of her life can be darker, and the BK maybe has hiked up the taxes to pay for his war machine. Maybe it not about paperwork a permits so much as it's about the cost of getting those permit, shortages of food since the BK needs to feed his army from the lands that previously only fed the locals (did you mention that already in the story? I feel like maybe food shortages were mentioned already.) I also need to remember that I am reading Draft 2 when you are already formatting changes for Draft 3, so I know things will be different from the version that I'm reading.

I thought the demon pushed her out of its mind and escaped. I do agree that the arc could be clearer in certain aspects, but I felt that I got it. I do hope that she goes back to Mi now to really try and get to the bottom of why this demon is stalking him. I made a comment about the demon having more identity (that's what I mean, although I didn't say it in those terms). For some reason it puts me in mind of the Voice from FotI, a disembodied presence attacking the M/C. In that case, the Voice has a much stronger identity and sense of character, whereas there is no interaction between Me and the X/R demon, which is kind of what I felt was missing, if it is the Big Bad.

Heya, more comments. (page 6) - "time would all but stop for her" - Hmm, so why not tell Mi she was going to the rest room, if she could be back in minutes? I mean, having said that, I get why she would want to make a break, so not biggy. - "took her dagger out of her purse" - I thought she had them in her boot sheaths? I'm sure that's what was said before. (page 7) - Who is Lu? Confused. (page 8) - "took her dagger out of her pocketbook" - She already took her dagger out of her purse, now her pocketbook, and she still has not gone near the daggers in her boots..... Ah, now she had. Still, there's duplication here in some form that's not consistent. - Grenades don 't make flames, do they? Not that I can recall from movies. I'm being really good and not talking about grammar or nothing, despite the cravings and the voices in my head (page 11) - "in the mud, gasping, staring up at the underside of a bridge that cars rumbled over" - Great image, I really feel the location. I imagine the sky is grey, and it's raining. OVERALL I got a really good vide from the this chapter. I liked how M got called away, it had a real superhero vibe, I thought. Character is torn away from an emotional situation in order to confront a terrible enemy. Even more so when it turns out to be a trap. Nicely done, that, but I also enjoyed the scene with Mi and how that worked on an emotional level. In terms of the x-roads dem, it seems like it might be the story's big bad? Maybe, maybe not, but I could have done with it being a bigger, badder, more standout village. I never felt that they were in danger they might not escape. I always figured Me would get to of that demon encounter. Anyway, still totally positive about the chapter. Good job

Comments Chapter 7 (page 3) - "she’d wanted to kiss one of them" - Al or Ta, as opposed to Ta or Mi? Not entirely clear. - "Maybe she had no right to be jealous..." - great emotion in this paragraph; real energy and heat. I like that, and it really cements in my mind M's feelings for Ta and for Al. For this alone, I think keeping the triangle (or is it a square now? I guess not, as Ta and Al seem to be in the same corner) is a good thing. (page 4) - "But what if I hurt you? > You already did" - Great lines here: just the right amount of snark. - "I bet when you boxed" - Ta boxed? I don't remember that. Also, Ta is taller than M? That's not how I pictured it at all. I've been picturing Ta as shorter. (page 5) - "over her shoulder and stormed away" - Hmm. I was surprised that she stormed away. I thought the tone was different. 'All of you' is an excellent parting shot, but I was more imagining that she would hurry away or stride away. In a hurry, but not necessarily angry. - "getting caught up on school work" - This is good. I needed this, as per my previous comment. Schoolwork is a real thing in this chapter, and that's good. (page 9) - "wanted to be one of them so bad" - I really enjoyed this scene. I thought the emotions were handled really well, the pacing. All going 'well' and then M's crash. I really like how it was handled. The emotions were very convincing, I thought. - I like how she 'runs' away, wanders aimlessly, without direction. The mood around this part is really engaging. I'm really feeling the emotional confusion. Excerpt from Chapter 5 (page 12) Good addition, but I wonder if it takes the edge off the scene in Chapter 7, since M has already experienced some of the shock / surprise(?) at the depth of emotion in Al. Don't know, I think I'd really need to read the newer version through. Both scenes are good and clear, and hit the right emotional notes, IMO. Good job. I think this chapter (and probably the previous insert: disregard reservation above!) are exactly what was needed to put the 'triangle' squarely at the heart of the story. I know you have earlier references, like on first meeting Ta, and the reading first meeting Al, and maybe these need a little embellishment, just to show M's thoughts, feelings, doubts towards the other girls. In any case, I think this is good work in addressing a lot of the comments that have come back

If you have a blank line above and below the quote box, or say two blank lines, drag a selection over the quote box, both sides, and hit delete, it should be deleted

Well done, @Turin Turambar! Congratulations Almost all the advice suggests that some kind of break of some length is advisable, for distance, and to recharge enthusiasm. Great effort. Finishing that first one is such an important moment. I'm sorry that I don't have time to read it at the moment. I am interested though. Do I take it from your comment that you have written more words in a novel, but not finished it? Knowing when you are done, what the end is and how to get to it, is another important skill. Happy for you!

My nickel's worth would be that an overly officious government is not exactly Pol Pot's regime in Cambodia, or Idi Amin in Uganda. It still sounds to me that the greatest horror perpetrated on the people of this country is that they have to do more paperwork and get permits, pay fees and taxes(?) to support a government that treats them as people rather than animals, and does not seem--on the page--to treat them badly. This is fantasy, and we're reading it to escape from the everyday lives in which we have to do more paperwork than we would like and have to pay taxes to governments that we often do not agree with. (That's glib, I know. Some of us have it way harder than that, but I'm trying to make a general point here.) I don't think the stakes are high enough. I don't think--from my external viewpoint, admittedly--that the Government of California is a sufficiently heinous overlord as a model, although I have no experience of it, but we live in a world in which China has just introduced swinging new laws in Hong Kong; Vladimir Putin is a de facto dictator who cannot be removed from office, despite his country pretending to be a democracy; we have the Asad regime in Syria perpetrating wholesale slaughter using chemical weapons, and Saddam Hussein; Robert Mugabe; apartheid; the Bosnian genocide by Slobodan Milosevic. I am also going out on a limb here to suggest that the government of California is not even the worst in the US, never mind the winder world, from the little I have seen from the outside. I mean, I would have said monopolies are a bad thing, why not tear them down? Companies with monopolies don't need to treat their customers well, don't need to try hard to keep them, don't have to give good value or good customer service. Unfortunately some people are, and that is why most 'caring' countries have a welfare state. But, more to the point, a lot of employers in the real world are ruthless, and will cut any corner they can to make a buck. Many employers need to be regulated, or we would end with workhouses and sweatshops on every corner. Permits and license should be a must, how else do you make sure the health and safety legislation is being followed, or that employees are being treated fairly? Putting the soapbox aside, I think it all comes down to stakes. The main character has a loving a supportive family, a good job, which became a different job, but still one for which she is rewarded, and does not seem to undergo any particular hardship or oppression. I'd guess that there are a lot of readers out there seeking escape from difficult and unhappy situations that might look at Ir's life and say 'Yes, I would take that in a heartbeat.' I don't think the stakes are high enough.

Actually, I am a dough-head, because I should have remembered that Kira in Partials also is a POC.

I'd expect nothing less that a really good suggestion from Mandamon. This is would certainly increase S's credibility as a revolutionary. I do like that she has only recently joined though. What if her husband the smith was active before, and now she has decided to join too? Dunno, but I like the idea. I was also moved to comment on the fact that the BK's government actually does not sound that bad at all, so I know it's something you have in mind. I think it remains probably the biggest issue with Draft2 that I'm reading.

Ah, I'm glad to be able to comment here and re-kickstart my read through of Name... Glad you are back subbing, @Snakenaps These are the same comments you have had already, but--if nothing else--it was helpful for me to read through them again to get back up to speed. You've already responses on some of the points before, of course. I summary though, I think it's a really good chapter, and I love the setting, the mood. Can practically feel the wind in my hair (very long, lockdown hair) and smell the salt Chapter 8 I realise that I never really think about my feelings going into a chapter, which is something a reader would do, so it might be useful to start including this in my critiques (because they’re not long enough as is, LOL). So, I’m really into the story, and have been for several chapters, to be fair. I’m keen to find out how things play out with Ir’s new role, and what intrigue emerges from that. I’m hoping we get into that soon. I think this part should be where we find out what the overarching stakes are for the whole story. What is the inciting incident that will put Ir at the centre of bigger, more dangerous events. Her visiting her sister—as I see we are from the start of the chapter—seems likely to take the entire chapter, and no doubt will be tense and angry. I do wonder if it’s likely that anything will happen on the big canvas of the city, but maybe I don’t need that for this chapter to be a zinger. “I’m so sorry about the restaurant.” – Ooh, and we’re straight to the moment of revelation. I like that we go straight there, pretty much. Brown hair is really vague. There are sooooo many browns. Maybe it’s cited elsewhere, but it’s an opportunity for a more compelling description, without going into great length. “get rid of that awful smell” – What smell? Confused. Oh… I was so sure that Ir would have to spill the beans when confronted with the topic of concern, but she dodged it. Okay, that’s natural, they’re practically still in the house. “any particularly unusual species” – After the mention of mundane seagulls, I was sure that we were talking about mundane creatures, but it seems like we’re talking about sentient species, which is unclear, IMO. Also, repetition of ‘species’ here is awkward, IMO. “the tiny sailboat had no name” – This seems really unlikely to me. Okay, people and places are different, but, having spent a lot to time holidaying in coastal settlements, I’ve seen anything and everything given a name, right down to rowing boats. “before we lose our light” - I sense it was morning, for some reason, so this struck me odd. then thinking about it, I guess Ir has come from work? Not clear, but maybe WRS. “mainsheet rope” – I’ve been sailing precisely once, but I’m pretty confident from that and reading and watching shows that on a boat, anything we’d call a rope on land is called a ‘sheet’ or ‘line’ on a boat, so, this is like saying ‘rope rope’ or ‘line line’. I appreciate the problem though, or conveying the meaning to someone not familiar with the term mainsheet. Clearly, these challenges are why writers earn the big bucks!! ;o) I wonder if it would work to say ‘rope that was the mainsheet’ the first time, then just say jibsheet. “S’s birthplace” – I’ve comments on this multiple times in notes, but I can’t recall if I’ve done it on the forum. Ir’s constant references to her parents by the first names s really bothering me. I don’t know anyone who does that, I’ve never heard anyone do that (I don’t think) in fiction textual or visual, unless, it’s being ironically ratty towards a step parent, or for some kind of isolated comic effect. When I read it here are pretty much every reference to Ir’s parents, I find it a barrier to my brain figuring who we are talking about. Just for a second, then the weirdness lands. Now, this is the moment! (Gleefully anticipates a stormy argument.) “the bottom of the ocean” – Surely they are not out in the ocean, but still in the bay. This implies they are in the open sea. There will be a massive difference in the waters of they were actually on the ocean, and they just would not in a boat this size, surely? The argument is well played so far. Right on both sides, wrong on both sides. I’m enjoying it. “placed their feet on the hull and began to lean backwards” – I like that you don’t explain what they are doing, but let the reader work it out. It’s entirely obvious, but there is still satisfaction for readers to see what’s happening for themselves. “They came to me” – Hmph. Ir knows what Su is like, knows the friction between them, the most recent argument among the family about Su joining the rebels. “You can’t tell anyone” – I just can’t believe, I don’t believe that her judgement is that bad, and that her sense of honesty would trump everything that she knows about her sister, and how unlikely it is that Su will comply with this. It flies in the face of the NDC. Basically, after signing the contracts, Ir has done nothing else but go around telling EVERYONE she meets what she has done. It’s makes me think less of her; it makes me think she has really poor judgement; it makes me feel that she will absolutely deserve whatever bad stuff is going to come down the pipe as a result of her recklessness. “flipping Ir quickly into the boat, and pulling the sails out of the water with a fast jerk” – This seems super unlikely to me. Su is levering not only the boat, but the sails, and the huge resistance of the water on the sails, and the weight of her sister? I’m no sailor, and I know it’s a small boat, and maybe you’ve researched the heck out of this, or are a sailor a know all about it, but I can’t imagine that Ir is helping by holding onto the boat so she is flipped in. Surely they can climb in, one from each side, at the same time once the craft is righted. Also, the boat will be partly full of water, surely, once righted. They must have to bail it out, don’t they? “To call someone F was to imply their cruelty and heartlessness” – I don’t think this has been explained so far. I’ve been taking this literally, that the BK is actually F. There was reference some time back about there being F in the north, I think? I presumed that was where he came from originally… “up north” – LOL, and there we go. I remember something!! “we have a benefactor” – This is a neat line, and piles on the intrigue. Also, it’s nice for the reader that Su shares these interesting new details, but it is basically her being as loose-lipped with sensitive facts are Ir has been. Seems that they are both recklessly reveal secrets that they should not be!! Actually, it adds a nice kind of symmetry to this scenes, and I a way makes me feel better about Ir just TELLING Su everything. “the sails whispering in the wind” – They will need to dry out some, won’t they, to sail properly? “they didn’t hire me as a chef” – Oh, come on! Please, for the love of Rav keep a secret!! Just one! She can have this discussion with her sister without telling her this. “how many beats there are in a name” – I don’t understand… like syllables? What possible use is that? I guess you don’t get to choose, but that does not sound like an ability to me, but half-formed one. “but the words seemed to have fled” – I only they had before Ir just told her everything. “with careful neutrality” – Excellent line. The conversation (any conversation) is at its best when there is nuance, variation in tone and ‘volume’. “To say no would put her contract at risk. To say yes, would put S and T in danger” – No, I don’t buy this. Saying ‘no’ doesn’t put anyone in danger, it’s only if she acts out that ‘no’, and deliberately fails to identifying someone. Saying it doesn’t really matter, in the same way that ‘saying’ yes here in the boat doesn’t put S and T in danger. Also, at this point, I’m beginning to think that Ir will just act honestly towards whoever is in front of her, as she seems to be largely incapable on intrigue, from her recent actions. I find the metaphor of the tiller and the direction of her life a bit heavy-handed if I’m honest. It makes me think of ‘low-hanging fruit’ (have you got to that episode of WE?). It’s absolutely obvious and understandable that someone’s mind would go there, so it’s obviously not wrong. I think maybe it’s just in the phrasing then, the delivery? “unknown in every direction” – So, I guess she doesn’t like exploring, and adventure. That’s fine! Reluctant adventurers can make for excellent stories. “fighting for a country that never valued us anyway” – I’ve not seen or heard of Ir doing any fighting for her country, so this seems way off to me. “air force” – modern term, IMO. “The BK is a monster” – I get told this a lot, but I really don’t see it yet, but that does not mean I want a scene in his POV while her tortures someone. It’s just that things don’t seem so bad. The BK could have taken away Ir’s younger siblings and blackmailed her into working for him on pain of their death. Instead, he rebuilds a restaurant and pays everyone’s salaries, gives out contracts of employment. These are not the actions of a monster. “I think that all monarchs are monsters” – Whether or not this is actually true in this world, it’s a gross generalisation and feels too easy, comfortable and dismissive a conclusion for someone who, by self-confession knows very little about the world. Reducing the world to sweeping moral judgements like this waters down its complexity, nuance, and diversity. Does she also think all rich people are monsters? Car, by the standard of most people in the city—as the owner of a business (and two properties)—world be considered rich by most of the population, I suspect. “it’ll never get any worse than this” – Am I missing something? Surely she means worse, and Ir hopes it will never get worse?! OVERALL: This is a good chapter, I like the arc of it, the emotion of it, the pacing of it is good, for me. As usual, there are a few details, but the thing the really stands out for me is how Ir seems completely incapable of keeping a secret, and I feel that bodes ill for how the story will play out, and how the intrigue will work. I guess the time at which she will have to withhold things from people must be coming, but her just telling everyone about her secret confidentially contract…I don’t like the signals it sends.

I chose to believe she was emotionally 'damaged' as a result of her situation, the state of society, the world, etc., and I gave her a pass for that. Jennifer Lawrence had nothing whatever to do with it. (FYI, and apropos of nothing at all, I saw the first movie, then read the first book, then read the second and third books before the second and third movies came out.)

Oh, oh. I've got another one. Dan Wells' Partials books are pretty decent and have a female protagonist. They are post-apocalyptic, so tend towards being a bit dark, but not quite so much as Hunger Games.

Wow, that's quite the programme. I love that there's a Duct Tap badge, and it tickles my funny bone that the Fire Safety and First Aid badges are of course listed alphabetically beside all those Fire Arms badges. Anyway...I wish I could help more. Excellent list, @TheDwarfyOne. I'll nominate Nnedi Okorafor's Binti books. I started reading the first novella for the Hugos. Honestly, I didn't like it. Thought it was slow, but all those awards say that I'm wrong, so https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binti_(novel). Oh, and Mary Robinette Kowal's Glamourist History books. I really like those stories. The first one is kind of hilarious, enjoyable--I thought--if a bit overdone, but the later ones find their feet more in terms of Jane Wentworth as protagonist. The one that comes to mind particularly in relation to the question at hand is Book 5, Of Noble Family. It is set largely on a plantation and chock full of issues of race and slavery. Actually... yeah, that's probably a bit much for this purpose. Darn being an adult. Also, I think Katniss Evderdeen is great protagonist. Pretty dark though, I guess . There's a pattern emerging here. I'm tempted to throw M*th in there, but of course she is 'unpublished', definitely not for a young audience, no, no, no. (I only did that to wind you up of course.) Chin up there @Snakenaps. There are other ways to change the world, or change minds at least, and we're here to help and support you

I'd suggest going to listen to the Writing Excuses podcasts in which they discuss the sliders. There are several casts, I think.

The more I hear about it, the more I am tempted to try Scrivener. All those folks can't be wrong, can they? (I mean, large numbers of people have been wrong about things before, but... ). Okay, major plus point straight away for the free trial--30 days, but only on the days you use it--so, use it once a week the trial lasts 30 weeks! Also, twelve older versions available to DL if you have an older operating system (I guess?). I am definitely going to try it next time I start a project from scratch.