Snakenaps

I shall wait (im)patiently.

I have been wanting to see the ocean for a while now.

Agreed. Half of the time, my username ends up being one of my model horses.

Aww shucks

You know, I was seriously thinking about it before I got hired as a teacher. Now...I'll be happy if I just continue to submit a chapter or two a week and stay on top of critiques. I wish you luck on your endeavor! If you need encouragement or a reminding kick in the rear, I would be happy to supply both.

Ah, yes, the neverending list... Too many books, such little time.

Agree that pinning this thread would probably be a good idea. @Robinski Hell yeah, you are one hell of a writer. Can't wait to read your next work. "Deceased Equine" got me hooked. Even if it did involve...a deceased equine... I had as much fun figuring out how horse bones break as I did figuring out pegasi mechanics. You still haven't let me read any M works and I'm still a little bitter after reading one of the last chapters when I first joined. Come on, there were velociraptors. That stuff is rad. One day...one day I'll convince you...

Sue is having the same wishy washy problems. I need to nail down both characters.

What's horrifying...is that it used to be worse. You wouldn't believe some of the weird flowerly language and passive voice I cut. Just tone-wise, I feel like I need to rewrite the entire next few chapters because they all feel so stylistically different.

Heeeeeey, I just heard that on Writing Excuses this morning! The villain problem! This chapter is such a complete mess. I just finished the Writing Excuses Proactively slider podcast and I was like - oof -. Ir, book wide, is such a reactionary character, and this needs to change.

Hello @ima willshaper ! Welcome to Reading Excuses! You wouldn't believe the wealth of knowledge in this group. I've been here since February and I have learned so much. Just be prepared - we take this seriously and don't hold our punches back, but remember that we're just a bunch of lovebugs. You've picked a great group. We've got newbies like me, traditionally published and self published authors, and incredible editors like @Robinski. It's a highly varied, international group, but we all share two loves: books and writing! I'm glad to have you join us. I absolutely adored Melissa Meyer's The Lunar Chronicles, but I haven't gotten around to any of the side novellas yet. Have you ever read The Seven Realms novels by Cinda Williams Chima? Chocolate is always good to scare off Dementors! And I'm a Hufflepuff, loud and proud.

Yes, iron burns those with magic. Ir has low magic, so she can tolerate it for a longer period of time. The BK would be feeling pain much faster. How pure the iron is affects how quickly it burns, too. Also, thank you! You're really helping me realize places I need to continue to fix up. If you think the third person omniscient is bad *now*, you should have seen this chapter before. Or, even worse, the original chapter 23. Ick. If you want to read the previous chapters, PM me. If you don't have time, I completely get it. I'm behind on critiques myself.

Hello, I'm back, ya'll. I'm not happy with...like, at least the next 4-6 chapters. I wasn't able to give these two the tidying I would like, but, screw it, I've already lost two weeks momentum. Hopefully things will change as I settle in as a fine arts teacher. Thank you ahead of time, as I know I'm not good at spreading my love as much as I would like.

May I submit two chapter for a little less than 6,000 words on Monday, October 5th?

*gasp* Noooo, not yooooou. You don't go on rants any more than I write essays about horses. Never.

I'm as guilty as it as you XD I don't have the life experience to be able to write an awesome forth year old woman kicking butt yet. I'm still just trying to learn how to write!

I think that you should definitely bring this up, for three reasons: 1) Unfortunately, there's a thing called white defaulting, which @kais introduced me to. They can correct me if I'm wrong, but as far as I understand it, it's when the writer and/or the reader assumes everyone is white unless something is mentioned. I got pinged on it because I didn't describe the skin colors of any characters except T and his children (although, granted, it's not like I'm writing an all-white book when most of the characters are animals). Unless something is hinted (like the hair texture), many people will automatically default to white since literature historically tends to be white-centric. I'm not the expert on this in any way, shape, or form, so please take this with a grain of salt and do your own research. 2) It's tough to change your visual image of what a character looks like once you get too far into a book. Not an issue in the beginning when reader's are good at adapting, but it can be jarring once they become settled. Imagine if you had thought for an entire book a character was a redhead when it turns out they were brunette, but you were used to visualizing epic fight scenes with a feisty redhead. Some people can make the switch. Others are like, "I like redhead better. I'm going to continue to picture red hair anyway." 3) Representation is incredibly important and seeing that early on can make a book really exciting for many people. There's a growing call for it in literature. If you subscribe to Publisher's Daily/Weekly, you can see the big push right now (which will hopefully continue even after it is no longer "fashionable" to today's news).

Hello hello hello! Thoughts as I go: A better have hair as white as her name, otherwise I am going to be disappointed. Pg 1, "Tonight that meant going to a party and smiling and shaking hands." Ah, the exhausting life of a pretty-much figurehead. As an introvert, that sounds like hell. Pg 1, "The interior of the autocarriage" Steampunk or a similar subgenre? I am down. Pg 1, " his hair was thick and pure white, not unlike wool, but less curly." Question: is this character black? White people don't generally have textured hair. To me, dark skin and white hair is incredibly striking, so I lean towards this. Pg 1, "Her hair—white with age, not heritage" I am happy. Also, you wouldn't know this, but I love not-20-year-olds MCs, despite the fact that I'm writing a book with one. Pg 2, "Especially ones with extensive telekinetic powers. " I pity his parents. Hey! I've noticed that you fall into a bad habit I myself do, or at least with J's section (haven't read farther yet). As @Robinski is excellent at reminding me, cut down on how often you say a character's name and instead switch it out for their pronoun. It helps the reader to become more immersed! Pg 5, "Cause everything was better with obelisks." Heartily agree. I like this kid. Introducing the worldbuilding through J's eyes was smart and smooth. Much better than a dry wall of information. Pg 8, "each creature was brought to life with the spirits of the dead" Dude, great magic system straight out of the gate. Pg 9, " A small icicle grew from the hem of her dress" Only one? Odd decor choice. Pg 13, "BADBADBADBADBAD." Gods are not particularly eloquent. Got to say, I thought you were going to start the book straight out by killing J. I'm glad you didn't. I was trying to figure out if I was thinking that because I was tired or if it was an actual valid response. Apparently I'm not the only one with that thought process. I admit that I am sad that this is a prologue. Characters are an important part for me, and if I like a character in a prologue (such as J), then I get disappointed when they disappear immediately. It's like smelling brownies, tasting brownies, and then having it yanked away from me and I'm given cake. Like, I'm sure the cake is great, but now brownies are what I want. Now, if you were to suddenly jump from this to ten years into the future with an older J, I'd be like, cool, now my brownies have nuts in them. Pity, because I'm going to critique your map. Your map is rad. Critique over. I don't really have anything more to add that hasn't already been said. I look forward to reading more! Keep submitting

I don't have time to respond to everything right now but this made me laugh because just before I got the teaching gig and paused on writing, I used the Find ability to replace every "off of" to "off" in the book. I got tired of you harping on all of them and decided to fix it XD

I'm sorry I didn't have the time to be able to read the first draft, but at least you'll be able to get a nice cold read from me on this one. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "Was the dragon a boy dragon or a girl dragon?" I am assuming S is a child both from name and the questions asked. Pg 2, "Its skin sparkled with the glow of captured stars and burning novas." Ooooh, pretty. There's a definite style to this writing. I like it. It is very definitive and recognizable. Was it a stylistic choice to switch "that" with "what" or do you do that unconsciously? Pg 5, "She’d paid passage for the the Oregon trail" Narrator has a stutter, apparently. Pg 6, "did not chase after her." In such a dangerous world, this seems like a death sentence for a child. Pg 8, "teeth jutting out from places where they weren’t supposed to." That sounds friendly. I think I preferred the rabbit. Pg 8, " taloned digit the size of a man’s arm away from its hand." Deadly but barely held together. Like a windego crossed with a zombie. Pg 8, " She could feel herself going." Oh gee, that explains that disturbing scream way too well. I wonder how long it takes for the blood to become poisonous? Pg 9, "he held a column of silent black flame" Flame which can't harm monsters, apparently, since he didn't whip out that party trick earlier. Pg 15, " They burst through the monster’s guts" Rather rude he hadn't done that for D, but did he not have that knowledge previously? Pg 17, "They piloted the meat to the invader" I'm not 100% sure what is going on here. Did the dragon take over S's body and then destroy the monster? I am really tired and my brain is more than a little muddled. Child sacrifice to restart the world. A brutal cycle. I wish I was more awake to enjoy this piece, as I think it is well written, with a definitive style. It certainly feels like something narrated, a strong contrast to the third person limited books I tend to read on my own time. I thought the monster horrific, especially once it was revealed what it had been originally. I pictured A with a tommy gun, which I don't know if that was what you were going for, but it gave a nice anachronism to add to his mystique, considering the Union lady earlier. I did struggle with this myself.

Maybe 2-4. Getting hugged by 22 eager first graders at the end of the year was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. It would not take many to completely swamp you and push you off your feet. Legit thought I was going to get crushed as they squeeeeeezed. I am easily outran by kids and I have no muscle strength. I am the weak member you sacrifice to save yourself.

During my first month of working retail years ago (I was working at a toy store with the world's largest wooden yo-yo), I had two college dudes come up to me. One says, "I have a weird question for you." I go, "Alright, whatchu got?" He says to me, "How many first graders do you think you could fight?" We proceeded to have an odd conversation about the weight of first graders and whether they could be used as clubs, scare tactics, and how infectious their bites would be. He was right. It was a weird question. But it was a fun one.

@Robinski I see curiosity has won over, since I'm pretty sure you said that you weren't going to read this draft? Sorry I haven't replied back to your email. I want to talk more about NotK, I'm just trying to survive teaching first.

I know I'm behind on critiques, but I'm not dead. I just got a job as a fine arts/first grade teacher and I'm vainly trying to get everything going since the district gave me nothing. Instead of writing and critiquing, I'm now learning how to make how-to-draw YouTube videos (geared towards kids but art is for any age) for the students who aren't able to come to my live class. I'm hoping everything will settle down soon. Please pray to the Crayola god that my markers and watercolors will come in soon so I can finally get my kids supplies...

Glad to be of service. I hope you find happiness wherever life takes you.