Snakenaps

Do you dare tempt me with forbidden knowledge? What is this sorcery you speak of? It'd be killer to see it converted into something like Avatar. It is a highly flexible book that I could see getting shelved in either YA or adult, much like The Queen's Thief series. My personal art style leans YA, but some of the themes are definitely more adult. It may end up being one of those books that you read both as a teenager and an adult, first for the talking animals, second for the political intrigue. Word count wise, it'll end up around 150-120,000 words, putting it roughly 30,000 words too long for YA. So I'll be querying it adult, since Ir is 20, having her technically be too old for most YA literature.

Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "making it his go-to planet when in-between jobs" Sweet! After the beginning fight scenes, I'm hoping to see some worldbuilding that will give me a strong sense of setting. That's half the fun of sci-fi! Exploring new worlds, seeing crazy technology, etc. Pg 1, " then took another dose" I've been imagining these as suckers and therefore would love to know how you take another dose. How many licks does it take to the center of...your high? The Tootsie Pop owl always did look like he was doing drugs. Pg 2, "“Someone has been asking around for you" Wouldn't this constantly be happening for a man of his...reputation? Pg 2, " He saw someone out of the corner of his eye" That was quick. Was the beggar a traitor? Pg 2, "A pair of hands suddenly grabbed his throat from behind" Rude. Pg 2, "spooking the beggars." Dudes getting shot up must be pretty common if your first instinct isn't to just run for the hills. It's good to see that not everything is going to be easy on Q. I like the fact that we have a wide variety of baddies. Makes things more interesting. Pg 8, "slipped a toxin into his fingers from his coat" Hmmm, this feels like the magic coat of plot convenience, since we had no clue that these existed previously. You could fix that pretty easily by slipping in a line somewhere. For instance, when he flashes his guns at the beggar, you could sneak in something about how the beggar couldn't see all of his other weapons. The beggar wouldn't be so coy if he knew he was talking to someone with nerve toxins and bombs. Q never took chances, after all. A hunted man had to be prepared. Pg 11, "So, they can die, he noted." Good information, there. Overall: Characters: Q is not as much as an abrasive jerk this time around. However, with all of the action, I'm still struggling to get a sense of who he is outside of being sci-fi Clint Eastwood crossed with Cad Bane. He's a wanted pirate with a beef with his brother. But, like...what makes him human? Relatable? So far, he strikes me as having a flair for the dramatic. Is he super into clothing? Does he spend hours finding just the right boots to go with his hat? Is he such a bad@$$ but does he secretly love fruity drinks instead of hard liquor? Does he put up his boots on every chair when he sits and tilts back just enough that you think he might fall? Setting: I want more. Give me a sense of this world. You can actually tell us a lot about Q by letting us see the world. Why does he love Planet S for much? Is it because it is the only place he can find those toxins? Is the street food out of this world even though it would never pass any kind of health inspection? Does the smell of unwashed beggars, ship exhaust, and illegal drugs excite him? Are there aliens? How are people making do without tech? What if you compare it to a high tech world so we can get an idea of what tech even looks like there. Do signs normally float? Does Q love this place because the lack of neon lights means he doesn't get headaches? Does having low tech suck because there is no super fast public transportation? Storyline: I worry this story is going to be 75% action 25% plot. This is a strong action story with a heavy amount of swashbuckling. The reason why The Princess Bride was so good was because we got a sense of who the Man In Black was by how he defeated his foes - who we understood well. Pirates of the Caribbean's early movies were amazing because they took the time to let us get to know Jack Sparrow so any time the pirate was attempting to escape his foes, we were all cheering for him. Han Solo might be a jerk, but he was a charismatic jerk who would do anything for the people he cares about, like Chewie. If it is an action story, but I'm not rooting for the hero...well, that makes life hard. Reader's Promises: Since we are seven quick chapters in plus a prologue, I thought I'd tell you what I feel the current "reader's promises" are for me at the moment, or what I am expecting. 1) Sci-fi action story, leaning in on space opera/western. Definitely not hard sci-fi. There is going to be a lot of fighting with some cool, magical foes. Maybe - maybe? - a touch of politics. Not sure how fantasy this is going to lean. 2) Lots of: 3) Protagonist is a jerk, which means I'll either come to love him (example, Gen from The Queen's Thief) or actively root against him (Kvothe from The Name of the Wind). Currently, rooting against him, because I want to see what he will do when he has nothing. 4) Family strife with dear brother. 5) Maybe some cool tech? We've seen it with the guns, the glowing jacket, and the boots, but I would love to get more. 6) Not child friendly. Lots of violence, but not necessarily gore. Going to echo this. I need to know why *I* should be invested in this, because right now, Q isn't enough for me. Keep in mind, maybe I'm not your intended reader. But to give you an idea, this is what typically keeps me from setting down a new book (and it typically is a combination): 1) The character(s) sweep me off my feet from page one (example, Inkheart or the movies About Time or The Hundred-Foot Journey) 2) The world/magic is so fascinating I have to stick around (Mistborn, anything by Terry Pratchett) 3) Implied stakes/promises (Ender's Game, The Book Thief) 4) Reputation of the book or author (The Name of the Wind. Kept waiting for that one to get better. Unfortunately, that wasn't a book for me. A good example would be Oathbringer which took me roughly 200 pages to get into. I bullied my way through slogs of worldbuilding because I trusted Sanderson to deliver. He did.)

A great question. I have always wished that animals talked since I was a young child. I reread Narnia a million times as a child (especially The Horse and His Boy) and was addicted to The Last Unicorn both as a book and a movie. I suppose I always had this boredom with humans. Like, who cares about Harry Potter? What if Buckbeak was the star of the show? What about dragons (thanks Anne McCaffery's Pern)? What about polar bears (looking at you, His Dark Materials)? I'm sure the Warriors series did not help either. I suppose this is my answer to all of those books that never went far enough. I wanted my talking animals to be active participants and treated just like people, not like fancy, mysterious creatures or comic relief. I couldn't find a book that had just what I wanted...so I wrote one. No farm boys, no magic swords, no prophecies, no magical bonding, no foretold Chosen One, no love triangles or emo anti-heroes (*cough* Batman *cough*). Just a poor chef who gets over her head...in a world filled with talking magical and non-magical creatures. I won't lie to you. It's crazy weird. And if I ever manage to get published, I imagine I am going to make some furries very happy. Untapped market potential, there.

Heads up to the newbies who are like, "What the hell is going on in Katie's world??? Who is this person? Why are the animals talking?" I took the Chapter-by-chapter Summaries and changed it up into a Cheat Sheet with quick explanations on who people are and briefly what the world is about. You can still use the link in the email. Hopefully that will allievate some confusions, considering you are coming in around the ~70% mark.

Yaaaaaay!!!! If you have any questions, let me know. It can be a weird world to suddenly get dropped into. This is the beauty of critique! You are always right, I am always right, because we are both entitled to our opinions. What is a critique other than an opinion? One of the things you'll learn here is how to figure out whose opinions are helpful for what scenes, and who has a bias. For example, if it involves prophecies, best to ignore my opinions because I am heavily biased against them. Give me all the super small stylistic things. Since I'm quickly approaching Draft Four, I'm starting to think less about the "big picture" and start nailing down the little details. If you see me putting adverbs in the wrong place, please let me know. I'm bad about that. Common swears: "Decay" Refers to their deity, Rav, who has this ying-yang like thing going on with two charms, growth and decay. "Sparks" Refers to their religion's concept of souls. "Stars" "By the stars" Refers to their deity, who is often depicted in art as a cluster of stars before creation. I slap myself on the forehead constantly, so this is some of me bleeding over. I think I picked up the habit because it lets students visibly see when I know I've made a mistake. You use vibe a lot, I use the words dude and rad a lot. True names and such are not uncommon in fiction, as it is pulled from folklore (as is iron, silver, and charms). I've just got a nice twist going on with them meshed into a strange world. Combined, it makes for an interesting take. It actually all stems from the fact that I am really bad at memorizing names...so I gave that ability to Ir. I am an artist, so I think this is where I bleed over. I want to go back and add other sensory details in appropriate spots. A little more smell, a bit more touch, you know? Your instinct was correct: I always want to know what words people get stuck on. Veranda has tripped up you, my sister, and my mother, so I need to sneak in a quick pseudo-explanation in there through description. Fun fact! Equine and equestrian are both derivatives (or off-shoots) from the Latin word "equus" which means...you guessed it...horse! My favorite Latin derivative is probably ambulance...which comes from "ambulo, ambulare" which means "to walk." Because, you know, you walk to the hospital. Another favorite is astronaut, coming from "astrum" star and "nauta" sailor. So an astronaut is literally a star sailor. I've always loved that. (I took Latin in middle school and high school. I'm severely rusty now but I am still filled with fun facts). Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I completely forgot to add I actually have a website with character bios. The worldbuilding is a little out of date, but most of it is good enough to be some help. I also have added Cast of Characters and a World Summary to the summaries page, which I have renamed the "Cheat Sheet." Thank you @karamel ! Fantastic first critique. You've got an eye for details I strongly appreciate.

This is hilarious to me. I have never considered this before. I'm glad you spoke up. I need to go back and add foreshadowing to everything. Thanks for leaving me this note so that I can make sure I don't leave "magic system" off the list. Hee hee hee. I'm going to change up the poison because I feel like that is too run of the mill. I want to switch it out for something more worldbuildy/magical (maybe touch on the fact that silver is deadly?). But I definitely want to keep this feeling no matter what I switch it to (open to ideas). Actually, I completely agree with you. I think the current problem that undermines this revelation is the fact that his government is still too utopia and perfect. It makes it hard to think of him as being bad when...he doesn't do anything that bad. This tells me I cut too much from this chapter. Previously, it had nearly 1,000 words on charm explanation that went too deep to the point where I was skipping. I need to find a happy medium. Thanks @ginger_reckoning !

I haven't considering a magic lesson with the BK and O. That's an interesting concept... I think I need to find a balance. Draft One/Two's magic lesson was too focused on charms, which is more relevant to the second book than this one, and slowed down the pace to the point where I was skimming. I think I need to find a happy medium on magic lessons. Chapter 28 is long enough that splitting them and then developing both of scenes won't be an issue. Have two separate chapters will certainly make it easier on the mind. Magic chapter. Relationships chapter. Boom. Good point. I've touched on it so briefly in the past that it might as well not be there (unless I cut it this draft??? Hard to remember). This is amazing. I want to be able to scare my students like this. "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope." This is where I need advice. I'm not with good relationships, especially ones that turn romantic. Mostly stems from my lack of experience, I think. I don't even know where to start. Thank you @Mandamon !

Glad I'm not the only one feeling this. The second chapter is a part of a combination of three chapters split into two, and this one I especially feel like needs to be fixed up. Hopefully, with everyone's opinions I'll be able to pin point what exactly needs smoothing over. I feel like fixing plot holes and streamlining is going to be a big part of Draft Four, while Draft Three is me trying to figure out what is relevant and where the plot holes even are.

You're not helping

Absolutely! Funny how critiquing makes you notice these things! For me, I never realize how often I used seemed, off of, and felt. The first couple of drafts were overwhelmingly, "She felt her feet move" "he took the cookie off of the table" and "the clouds seemed the color of a bruise." I also never realized how much I used passive voice before joining RE. Now I try to always remember to test my verbs with "by zombies" to see if they are passive or not. We should probably move any non-submission topics over to the proper channels. I am notoriously bad at this and trying to get better.

Completely agree. Thanks for explaining better than me! I've done this. I had to take three weeks off back in March when I was trying to figure out what the hell was going to happen with the schools and Covid. Came back and did three weeks worth of subs. It was hilarious, because by the time I was done, it was ALL Snakenaps for like a dozen threads. I would like to point out I specifically told you you didn't have to read Draft Three considering the hours you put into Draft Two. You're the one who decided to keep critiquing, you madman.

Don't overthink this part. Essentially, the idea is that you give back the time that people are putting into your work. This group doesn't work if people only submit and don't critique, right? Think of it like school: we're essentially switching papers to grade. Only, you hit the week where the overachiever wrote a really long essay. Whoops. You could attempt to match word counts. You subbed 3,400 words, so you could chose to only critique one of my chapters. But one of the skills that this group can teach you is how to see mistakes and learn how to avoid them in your own writing. I'm a teacher. All I do is look at mistakes, right? Yet, I have been critiquing every week since I joined in February (with a short hiatus when I changed jobs and stopped subbing and critiquing) and I can positively say that critiquing has by far taught me so much about editing and looking at a manuscript objectively. It has seriously helped me with my revision, and hopefully with future writing. Like with anything, the time you put into this community reflects what you take out. It depends on what you want. I have gained invaluable input on my story, yes...but I have also gained an incredible group of friends, a wealth of knowledge and advice, and connections for future cons. So, again, don't overthink this. You can put in the bare minimum (and that might be all the time you have for, I completely understand) or you can go over and above. Me? If I'm subbing (and generally even when I'm not), I critique everything that was submitted, when it be one short submission or four 5,000 submissions. It takes a chunk of my time, but I love it so I prioritize it. In true Katie fashion, I ranted instead of answering shortly XD my apologies. Hope this answered your question. Thanks for asking for clarification. It shows a lot of responsibility on your part, which I appreciate. Wish my students would do that.

We continue onwards... Thanks to everyone for putting up with a much longer submission than normal.

Thank you! I won't make a habit of it. Absolutely. For the newcomers, pretty much the only time I have ever seen this exception given out is when agents have given a deadline. So, I am lucky to have hit a quiet time and have put in the hard work to have support for this rule breaking.

@Silk will confirm us for slots once she has a moment. I would assume she's busy. I know she's PST time, if that helps, so it is still fairly early in the evening for us.

The world is populated by three groups: 1) Civilized creatures: Humans, unicorns, talking dogs, etc. A creature capable of intelligent thought. Essentially, a human mind in various bodies. 2) Mundane animals: Non-talking animals, fish, insects, dolphins, whales. Normal animals like what we have on earth. 3) Fey: Sphinxes, fairies, phookas, etc. Compassion-less, highly magical, intelligent creatures trapped up in the Feylands. Monsters.

Were you the one reading my chapter-by-chapter summaries while I was adding to them? If you have any questions, let me know. You can also find character bios at my website if you need them. Some of the world stuff is out of date. We've got roughly two more months of chapters, so you'll be seeing a lot of me if you stick around.

I still would be subbing one chapter at a time if @Robinski hadn't gotten on my case. Now I'm trying to get us through the book by January instead of April or May or worse. Only ~12 chapters left...

Bella Swan was a Mary Sue and I hated her guts, even as a teenager infatuated with the Twilight series... There's the argument that Kvothe from The Name of the Wind was a Mary Sue/Gary Sue and I certainly didn't like him. I loved watching his arrogance continually pummel him into student debt. Menolly from Pern is also arguably a Mary Sue but I love her. So...you have a strong point.

This brings me relief. Since I've never read any of your work before, I was worrying that you might be writing one.

@Silk I messed up. I'm off by a chapter. It turns out that if I want to combine the next two chapters, that equals 6,191 words. It's your call on if that is too large or not. Great news is I didn't accidentally skip on a chapter. Whoops.

Considering what a massive struggle these last chapters have been, it feels so good to hear that I am going in the right direction, even if they aren't quite perfect!

Final total is 5,478 words, if that is alright.

I am going to start this off with I am not good with poetry. To quote myself from an earlier thread..."I unfortunately read like...zero...poetry so I feel like I can't critique this well. My thoughts were, 'This is a poem. It does poem things with words.'" AMH: I mean, you don't even need the title for me to figure out what this poem's about. Which says something, because generally I am super confused about what is going on in a poem. It feels old (I can't tell if that is from the wording, the "lo" or the shortening of words with apostrophes) and has very vivid imagery. I can give no opinions to how it is written. I know nothing about writing poetry. Jack: This is a poem. It does poem things with words. It's talking about winter and death from hypothermia but thankfully there are space heaters and summer. Right? God, I swear, unless it is Shel Silverstein or Dr. Seuss, I am horrible with poetry. The Editor: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I loved this. I totally belted this out to the confusion of my cat. I'm going to definitely be singing this for the rest of the day.

Prologue: Pg 1. "Everything was perfect." Sounds like someone is trying to convince themself. Pg 1, " repeating over and over" You have used "repeat" now twice in the same sentence making it...repetitive. Pg 2, "They were the same as the person she was eating," Time to find some synonyms for "eating." Since everyone is a tall orange cannibal, I am assume she is one as well. Pg 2, "She saw some fly overhead." Well, if they are flying, so probably not statues, and ergo alive. Pg 2, "What supported her was barely enough to keep them alive." Confused. Do you mean that there is barely enough food? Pg 3, " Life was perfect." Braaaaain waaaaaaash. Chapter One: Pg 4, "He heard some commotion in the background." "He" being Q or M? I am confused on whose POV I am in, if this is third person limited like the prologue. Pg 4, "for higher beings" Like big golden armored dudes? Pg 4, "was pulled inside the ship" I don't know enough about space here. Would the escaping air pull you inside or push you out and prevent you from exiting? Movies tell me air goes out...but movies also say that a normal table stops bullets and horses whinny every moment of the day. So... *shrugs* Pg 5, " Hat? Check." A hat??? In space??? Not a helmet???? Is this a sci-fi special hat? Pg 5, "He brushed the glass off his coat, and readjusted his hat," Getting space western vibes here, and I am all down for that. Pg 5, " He was… a legend." Technically, this is tell, not show...unless Q is actually trying to convince himself he is a legend when he is no more than a big child playing dress up. Hard to tell. Pg 5, "The barrel" Are there two guns or one? You start off in plural, but the descriptions are singular. Pg 5, " their iconic golden armor" Well, these guys definitely sound alive now. Pg 6, " he took such extreme measures, or insulted that he thought this would stop him" See, this is showing a legend. When even the royal guard doesn't stand a chance. Pg 6, "to his surprise." He didn't test out his brand new guns before going on this mission? I would have made sure all my equipment works before starting a life-or-death adventure. Pg 6, "laid waste to the entire unit" Hmmmm, when things come this easy, I begin wondering if this is going to be a complex story about a bad@$$ or if this is going to be a Mary Sue story. Pg 6, " his coat absorbed the energy with no issue." Must be an incredibly expensive coat. Why not just shoot him in the head or in the knees? Pg 7, "Get over here!" Was it @Robinski who has nailed me for using exclamations too much? More you use them, less powerful they are. Lesson I have had to learn myself. Pg 7, "why were they all so pathetic?" Not much of a team player, are you Q? Pg 7, "She had forty of her men crammed into the small hallway" This is good show. Where Q knocked out a unit all by himself with ease, 41 people can't copy his success. That may make him OP, that may not. Hard to tell this early in. Pg 7, " if they kept using up plasma like this" Good for you to not have unlimited magic bullets. Ups the stakes. Pg 8, "The two S.H teleported" Are these guys humans??? Pg 8, "In a minute, the entire Royal Guard unit laid dead at their feet." Why did they not do this from the beginning? Hmmm...I am struggling to connect emotionally to Q. He's a bit of a d!ck with nothing so far that I can relate to. I know I can love jerk characters (Gen from The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner comes to mind) but so far we've got an OP anti-hero with no weaknesses except for drugged lollipops? Chapter Two: Pg 11, "Blue Three, checking in," This sounds straight out of Star Wars, especially since Wedge Antilles is Red Three. Not sure if this was on purpose or not. Pg 11, " I’m ejecting myself into space." When boredom makes you kill yourself. Pg 11, "Probably being taken by raiders again." Dude needs to do better if he's constantly getting raided. Sounds like that is terrible for business. Pg 11, "That means they weren’t allowed to shoot at anything." Wrong jurisdiction? I am finding D to be a much more compelling character. His friends are dying, he just wants to do his job, and he is up against high stakes (being death). Pg 13, " His entire squadron was now scrap metal floating in space." So why is he not dead? Pg 13, "sucking him out into space. " Of course you killed the one character I was really starting to like. Rude. Chapter Three: This is reminding me of James Patterson's Maximum Ride series with the short chapters. Your prologue and three chapters equal roughly two short chapters when I write. Pg 14, "he engaged his Grav boots to fly him out" What? Shouldn't anti-gravity boots suck you down, not push you up? Pg 14, " sucked back out" But...earlier Q was sucked in by a breech? I think your physics are a little wonky here. Pg 15, "This stopped being a game a long time ago." Seems like a game to me. Is he robbing this particular guy on purpose? Pg 15, "like it was supposed to be before you were born." We finally have a motive. Pg 16, "his face was covered in stubble" Not for the first time I have been wondering if this kid is wearing some kind of space helmet or not. Pg 17, "even though she was a S.H. herself" So why didn't she teleport and ravage dudes earlier? What is a S.H? You get strong points for style with both action and prose. Strong swashbuckler vibes. However, due to how easy everything was for the characters, there was a loss of risk that made this feel more like the game Q was claiming it wasn't. I am more interested in how Q became this legend, rather than what he is going to do now that he is unbeatable. An example I would like to pull is The Highwayman by R.A. Salvatore. This book has its own problems with pacing, but it gets one thing right for a swashbuckler story: it shows us the legendary Highwayman being amazing in the prologue, but then it takes 3/4 quarters of the book to actually get to the part where he is that awesome. Right now, this epicness feels unearned, and it makes Q hard to connect to. I feel more for M having to deal with this drama queen while balancing her men and her mother.