Snakenaps

Were you the one reading my chapter-by-chapter summaries while I was adding to them? If you have any questions, let me know. You can also find character bios at my website if you need them. Some of the world stuff is out of date. We've got roughly two more months of chapters, so you'll be seeing a lot of me if you stick around.

I still would be subbing one chapter at a time if @Robinski hadn't gotten on my case. Now I'm trying to get us through the book by January instead of April or May or worse. Only ~12 chapters left...

Bella Swan was a Mary Sue and I hated her guts, even as a teenager infatuated with the Twilight series... There's the argument that Kvothe from The Name of the Wind was a Mary Sue/Gary Sue and I certainly didn't like him. I loved watching his arrogance continually pummel him into student debt. Menolly from Pern is also arguably a Mary Sue but I love her. So...you have a strong point.

This brings me relief. Since I've never read any of your work before, I was worrying that you might be writing one.

@Silk I messed up. I'm off by a chapter. It turns out that if I want to combine the next two chapters, that equals 6,191 words. It's your call on if that is too large or not. Great news is I didn't accidentally skip on a chapter. Whoops.

Considering what a massive struggle these last chapters have been, it feels so good to hear that I am going in the right direction, even if they aren't quite perfect!

Final total is 5,478 words, if that is alright.

I am going to start this off with I am not good with poetry. To quote myself from an earlier thread..."I unfortunately read like...zero...poetry so I feel like I can't critique this well. My thoughts were, 'This is a poem. It does poem things with words.'" AMH: I mean, you don't even need the title for me to figure out what this poem's about. Which says something, because generally I am super confused about what is going on in a poem. It feels old (I can't tell if that is from the wording, the "lo" or the shortening of words with apostrophes) and has very vivid imagery. I can give no opinions to how it is written. I know nothing about writing poetry. Jack: This is a poem. It does poem things with words. It's talking about winter and death from hypothermia but thankfully there are space heaters and summer. Right? God, I swear, unless it is Shel Silverstein or Dr. Seuss, I am horrible with poetry. The Editor: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I loved this. I totally belted this out to the confusion of my cat. I'm going to definitely be singing this for the rest of the day.

Prologue: Pg 1. "Everything was perfect." Sounds like someone is trying to convince themself. Pg 1, " repeating over and over" You have used "repeat" now twice in the same sentence making it...repetitive. Pg 2, "They were the same as the person she was eating," Time to find some synonyms for "eating." Since everyone is a tall orange cannibal, I am assume she is one as well. Pg 2, "She saw some fly overhead." Well, if they are flying, so probably not statues, and ergo alive. Pg 2, "What supported her was barely enough to keep them alive." Confused. Do you mean that there is barely enough food? Pg 3, " Life was perfect." Braaaaain waaaaaaash. Chapter One: Pg 4, "He heard some commotion in the background." "He" being Q or M? I am confused on whose POV I am in, if this is third person limited like the prologue. Pg 4, "for higher beings" Like big golden armored dudes? Pg 4, "was pulled inside the ship" I don't know enough about space here. Would the escaping air pull you inside or push you out and prevent you from exiting? Movies tell me air goes out...but movies also say that a normal table stops bullets and horses whinny every moment of the day. So... *shrugs* Pg 5, " Hat? Check." A hat??? In space??? Not a helmet???? Is this a sci-fi special hat? Pg 5, "He brushed the glass off his coat, and readjusted his hat," Getting space western vibes here, and I am all down for that. Pg 5, " He was… a legend." Technically, this is tell, not show...unless Q is actually trying to convince himself he is a legend when he is no more than a big child playing dress up. Hard to tell. Pg 5, "The barrel" Are there two guns or one? You start off in plural, but the descriptions are singular. Pg 5, " their iconic golden armor" Well, these guys definitely sound alive now. Pg 6, " he took such extreme measures, or insulted that he thought this would stop him" See, this is showing a legend. When even the royal guard doesn't stand a chance. Pg 6, "to his surprise." He didn't test out his brand new guns before going on this mission? I would have made sure all my equipment works before starting a life-or-death adventure. Pg 6, "laid waste to the entire unit" Hmmmm, when things come this easy, I begin wondering if this is going to be a complex story about a bad@$$ or if this is going to be a Mary Sue story. Pg 6, " his coat absorbed the energy with no issue." Must be an incredibly expensive coat. Why not just shoot him in the head or in the knees? Pg 7, "Get over here!" Was it @Robinski who has nailed me for using exclamations too much? More you use them, less powerful they are. Lesson I have had to learn myself. Pg 7, "why were they all so pathetic?" Not much of a team player, are you Q? Pg 7, "She had forty of her men crammed into the small hallway" This is good show. Where Q knocked out a unit all by himself with ease, 41 people can't copy his success. That may make him OP, that may not. Hard to tell this early in. Pg 7, " if they kept using up plasma like this" Good for you to not have unlimited magic bullets. Ups the stakes. Pg 8, "The two S.H teleported" Are these guys humans??? Pg 8, "In a minute, the entire Royal Guard unit laid dead at their feet." Why did they not do this from the beginning? Hmmm...I am struggling to connect emotionally to Q. He's a bit of a d!ck with nothing so far that I can relate to. I know I can love jerk characters (Gen from The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner comes to mind) but so far we've got an OP anti-hero with no weaknesses except for drugged lollipops? Chapter Two: Pg 11, "Blue Three, checking in," This sounds straight out of Star Wars, especially since Wedge Antilles is Red Three. Not sure if this was on purpose or not. Pg 11, " I’m ejecting myself into space." When boredom makes you kill yourself. Pg 11, "Probably being taken by raiders again." Dude needs to do better if he's constantly getting raided. Sounds like that is terrible for business. Pg 11, "That means they weren’t allowed to shoot at anything." Wrong jurisdiction? I am finding D to be a much more compelling character. His friends are dying, he just wants to do his job, and he is up against high stakes (being death). Pg 13, " His entire squadron was now scrap metal floating in space." So why is he not dead? Pg 13, "sucking him out into space. " Of course you killed the one character I was really starting to like. Rude. Chapter Three: This is reminding me of James Patterson's Maximum Ride series with the short chapters. Your prologue and three chapters equal roughly two short chapters when I write. Pg 14, "he engaged his Grav boots to fly him out" What? Shouldn't anti-gravity boots suck you down, not push you up? Pg 14, " sucked back out" But...earlier Q was sucked in by a breech? I think your physics are a little wonky here. Pg 15, "This stopped being a game a long time ago." Seems like a game to me. Is he robbing this particular guy on purpose? Pg 15, "like it was supposed to be before you were born." We finally have a motive. Pg 16, "his face was covered in stubble" Not for the first time I have been wondering if this kid is wearing some kind of space helmet or not. Pg 17, "even though she was a S.H. herself" So why didn't she teleport and ravage dudes earlier? What is a S.H? You get strong points for style with both action and prose. Strong swashbuckler vibes. However, due to how easy everything was for the characters, there was a loss of risk that made this feel more like the game Q was claiming it wasn't. I am more interested in how Q became this legend, rather than what he is going to do now that he is unbeatable. An example I would like to pull is The Highwayman by R.A. Salvatore. This book has its own problems with pacing, but it gets one thing right for a swashbuckler story: it shows us the legendary Highwayman being amazing in the prologue, but then it takes 3/4 quarters of the book to actually get to the part where he is that awesome. Right now, this epicness feels unearned, and it makes Q hard to connect to. I feel more for M having to deal with this drama queen while balancing her men and her mother.

May I have a slot for Monday, November 23rd? May I please submit two chapters for 5,500 words if there is room? Otherwise, I will submit only the first chapter.

This is so cool!!! Thank you so much for sharing! I love the photos. What an incredible experience. You make me want to go!

Oh yeah, I'm giggling at that one. Totally agree there. I've seen theories that suggest that Mandalorian armor has the tech built into it to allow it to absorb kinetic energy...which mostly just sounds like excuses to make up for poor writing. They are on my To Be Read list! Exactly! I want a Thrawn show where I feel every moment a deep seated fear for the Rebel Alliance. That there is no way out magical solution and Thrawn just wipes the floor in his cold, calculating way. For someone who is a villain, I find myself rooting for him. I have a severe weakness for complex, highly intelligent baddies. Especially ones who love art, as an artist myself.

I think it depends on what you are expecting from Mando. If you are looking for an elegant, deep Star Wars story that hits emotionally, makes you question everything, and is a stunning work of writing...that isn't Mando. If you are okay with the Adventure-of-the-Week as Metal Dad and his starving Green Child explore the universe, make wacky friends, slaughter awesome beasts, and occasionally stumble upon a serious plot...buckle up. And honestly, right now, I will happily take the Child's weekly taste testing over a Game of Throne's level seriousness. Life is hard enough right now. I like having something warm-hearted to look forward to.

Can you imagine what Thrawn would be like if he was written excellently instead of just good? *shudder* I want the pain.

Google says you are correct. I have not decided if this means I should read the book or avoid it. Thrawn book was awesome. It led so well into Rebels.

It's hard not to. He's just the perfect blend of highly intelligent with no common sense meshed with smirky arrogance and topped off with a heap of wise-cracking adrenaline junkie. You get that for seven seasons and it is hard not to love the moron. Makes Revenge of the Sith even more tragic though. Ugh, my heart. My initial reaction was simply "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I am mad green with envy. That sounds spectacular. What was your favorite part?

Gimme. At least we got Bo-Katan played by her actual voice actor. I freaked out about that.

@karamel I'm pulling our Star Wars discussion over here I think what I love most about Star Wars - prequels, original, sequels, shows - is the fact that it is fun. Like, it is explosions in space with smack-talking droids and knights wielding laser swords while debating the meaning of honor. It's Kenobi saying, "Hello there" and Han saying, "I know" and Kylo Ren's pecs. It's the memes and cosplay and stunning fan art. But, ugh, when they decide to go full force with the feels, I bawl. I cried like I was at a funeral for Clone Wars. You are so right about Rebels and their compelling storylines. I am rewatching the show currently, and while it is often campy (I particularly love how quickly a lightsaber cuts through metal heavily depends on plot), it is so full of heart. A World Between Worlds was amazing. I love how they added to the mythos of Star Wars. And Morai! I loved that little detail with Ahsoka and am curious to see if the owl makes it into The Mandalorian. I loved the Loth cat easter egg. I am so pumped to watch the next episode of Mando. I hate waiting!!! And next week....eeeeeeeee...it can not come soon enough. If I ever met Filoni, I would shake that man's hand so hard. He's one of the main reasons I love Star Wars so much. Like, for me, the true Star Wars is Filoni. The care, love, and craftsmanship he puts into his work. Not the mention the easter eggs. My hero. Ventress. What a woman. I could never get enough of her either. She always reminded me of a viper. I think my biggest problem with Clone Wars was were there any bad characters? All the main characters have such incredible personalities and character arcs, even if it might have been bumpy at the beginning. That show never pulled its punches. It was so easy to fall in love with everyone on screen.

Bingo! One of the key elements of this group is the fact that we range so much in experience. It gives our critiques a more well-rounded view than a lot of groups. After all, you're a reader, right? Then even if you might not have the experience to say exactly why a book is good or bad on a technical level, I bet you know how to feel it. That counts for a lot. If you are here and willing to learn, I promise you there is a wealth of knowledge here. And I bet there is a lot you can teach us too. $5 if any of us wrote about animation wrong, you'd be able to tell us in a heartbeat. I'm kind of the horse gal here, for example. We all have our interests that extend beyond writing. Congratulations! Have you been using Maya? My sister is in visual effects and she has been using Maya and Z-Brush. 1) The Gentleman Bastard series rocks 2) Have you read Circe yet??? Is it any good? I read The Song of Achilles and the end made me cry. Dude, same. Are you watching The Mandalorian??? Favorite character? I'm a nut for Clone Wars. Absolutely adore Ahsoka and Maul, but I have always needed more Cad Bane. *Gasp* Us!? Nerds! Neeeeever... Welcome!!! Lovely to meet you too!

Don't lie to me, it's the cat photos. Oh, absolutely me too. I've seen /s be thrown around when someone is being sarcastic so that everyone knows it is sarcasm. I both like it because it makes things clear and hate it because it means my sarcasm isn't good enough to be obvious. I am pretty good at deadpanning in real life. My Latin teacher refused to let us eat in his class until we passed the Deadpan Challenge.

I'm pretty sure he was just explaining how he got here. If @Robinski was going to get offended, it would have been from all of my ribbing from the last year. I don't know how he puts up with me

Bring on the pain.

My pleasure, as always!

Good question. It depends on you. Me? I like to sit on any revised chapters. I want people to "cold read" or be unfamiliar with the work so they won't be biased. So if I ever decide to re-submit a chapter, I'll do it at least several weeks from the first submission. Considering I have a 40 chapter book I'm slowly submitting...if I decide to submit a revised version, it will be like a year since the first time people read that chapter. I just keep moving forward and put in the email any major changes I've made in the previous revised chapter that will affect the storyline moving forward. I also don't personally revise a chapter until I struggle to remember what people said about it (roughly two weeks) because otherwise I revise emotionally instead of objectively. Other people submit their revised version the week after the original. I personally find these harder to critique because I biased from what I know from the previous submission. If you think you might get stuck revising chapter one for weeks...yup, don't do this. Just move forward. Sending in revised chapters either way counts towards your submission limit of 5,000 words.

I was a part of this community for...what, six months before I finally read them? Then I found out my uncle owned the books and he loaned them to me. Inhaled them within days. My RoW is due to arrive at my parents' by Monday, so I'll get it on Friday! Didn't want to chance it getting stolen sent to my place.