Snakenaps

Yo, that's what I do with my bestie. He calls himself my "roadie." Worldbuilding is the bomb. What an addiction.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I get worldbuilders disease something nasty. In that way, you and I are complete opposites: you are incredibly action heavy while I avoid it to the detriment of my work, while I go over the top on the worldbuilding and you aren't quite giving enough yet. We balance out each other nicely, which I suppose is the whole point of a writing group. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Another way I look at it is that the setting is as much a character as the actual people. Just look at the Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon.

I'm cracking up. Sanderson did an hour long takeover on Tor's instagram, but he brought his maccaw. That bird is absolutely hilarious and keeps stealing his glasses. Sorry Sanderson, move over, your maccaw has stolen the show.

Yay!!! I'm a nut for worldbuilding. There is something incredible about getting to explore other worlds through marks in a book or pixels on a webpage. I feel like I get to peek inside the author's head (you!) when worldbuilding occurs.

Do I get to hear this version in your wonderful Scottish brogue? Or do I just get to belt it out myself for my cat?

Oooooof. In all honesty, I couldn't get through Ready Player One. Not my cup of tea. I can only imagine how quickly I would set down this version!

It could be a manner of taste or age. When I was younger, I read anything and enjoyed everything. I will admit that I read all four Twilight books and the side novella and loved them as a teenager. I used to like Eragon, which I can't stand much anymore because it is a rip-off of Pern and every single fantasy cliche on the face of the planet. Nowadays, I will set a book down immediately if it starts relying on tropes or cliches without a good spin. I suppose I'm like an agent or a publishing company - I'm looking for what is hot and what is fresh. I want things I have never seen before. I want to be wowed, not just taken an adventure I've seen a million times. I'm not interested in the Hero of a Thousand Faces and I'll put a book down in a heartbeat if the protagonist is a Mary Sue. This group is primarily made up of adults who have been reading and writing for years. I'm one of the least experienced writers here, but I make up for it by reading ~40 books a year and studying my brains out about everything involving writing. Between us, we've seen or read it all. We're not looking to just be writers (as we already are that, including yourself!), we're looking to become the best of the best. Constantly striving to create something that isn't good but incredible. Something that has never been seen before that makes the pickiest reader go wow. Right now, there's nothing we haven't seen before with yours. It makes it difficult to get through when we aren't looking for a light show but rather substance. Q is a combination of every single cool guy ever written without anything that makes him original. Right now, he feels like a fantasy, a wet-dream wish fulfillment of a bad@$$. The plot is currently so paper thin that it barely exists and you haven't show us enough world to make me interested (and I want that). There's a saying in critiquing: if one person says it, they may or may not be right. If three or more people say it, they are onto something. I think at this point, you've probably heard our concerns loud and clear. Now it is your turn: will you take criticism and be willing to put in the time and effort to push yourself and your work to become better? That's the whole point of this group: to make mistakes, never settle for mediocre, and work with others to strive to great. @Robinski turned my entire Draft Two red with corrections. Did I defend or explain? No. I analyzed his work, compared it to others' opinions, and I ripped apart my story to the ground and have been rebuilding since. And I'll probably be writing five more drafts after this one. The ball is in your court. You've been with us for two weeks, and it is time to reflect. What do you want, from yourself, from your writing, and from a writing group? Are you willing to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to improve? Are you willing to put in the hard work to help others improve? Or are there other priorities right now in your life that you need to put first at the moment? I don't have those answers. I'm a teacher. I always always always want to help everyone improve. To become as incredible as I think they can be. I hope wherever life takes you - be it staying here or moving on - I hope you never stop writing, and never stop loving writing. That's the end of my rant

Relevant comic: You're welcome.

Hey, at least it probably won't be a dystopian anymore, thanks to current events. You forgot the inevitable love triangle.

Do you dare tempt me with forbidden knowledge? What is this sorcery you speak of? It'd be killer to see it converted into something like Avatar. It is a highly flexible book that I could see getting shelved in either YA or adult, much like The Queen's Thief series. My personal art style leans YA, but some of the themes are definitely more adult. It may end up being one of those books that you read both as a teenager and an adult, first for the talking animals, second for the political intrigue. Word count wise, it'll end up around 150-120,000 words, putting it roughly 30,000 words too long for YA. So I'll be querying it adult, since Ir is 20, having her technically be too old for most YA literature.

Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "making it his go-to planet when in-between jobs" Sweet! After the beginning fight scenes, I'm hoping to see some worldbuilding that will give me a strong sense of setting. That's half the fun of sci-fi! Exploring new worlds, seeing crazy technology, etc. Pg 1, " then took another dose" I've been imagining these as suckers and therefore would love to know how you take another dose. How many licks does it take to the center of...your high? The Tootsie Pop owl always did look like he was doing drugs. Pg 2, "“Someone has been asking around for you" Wouldn't this constantly be happening for a man of his...reputation? Pg 2, " He saw someone out of the corner of his eye" That was quick. Was the beggar a traitor? Pg 2, "A pair of hands suddenly grabbed his throat from behind" Rude. Pg 2, "spooking the beggars." Dudes getting shot up must be pretty common if your first instinct isn't to just run for the hills. It's good to see that not everything is going to be easy on Q. I like the fact that we have a wide variety of baddies. Makes things more interesting. Pg 8, "slipped a toxin into his fingers from his coat" Hmmm, this feels like the magic coat of plot convenience, since we had no clue that these existed previously. You could fix that pretty easily by slipping in a line somewhere. For instance, when he flashes his guns at the beggar, you could sneak in something about how the beggar couldn't see all of his other weapons. The beggar wouldn't be so coy if he knew he was talking to someone with nerve toxins and bombs. Q never took chances, after all. A hunted man had to be prepared. Pg 11, "So, they can die, he noted." Good information, there. Overall: Characters: Q is not as much as an abrasive jerk this time around. However, with all of the action, I'm still struggling to get a sense of who he is outside of being sci-fi Clint Eastwood crossed with Cad Bane. He's a wanted pirate with a beef with his brother. But, like...what makes him human? Relatable? So far, he strikes me as having a flair for the dramatic. Is he super into clothing? Does he spend hours finding just the right boots to go with his hat? Is he such a bad@$$ but does he secretly love fruity drinks instead of hard liquor? Does he put up his boots on every chair when he sits and tilts back just enough that you think he might fall? Setting: I want more. Give me a sense of this world. You can actually tell us a lot about Q by letting us see the world. Why does he love Planet S for much? Is it because it is the only place he can find those toxins? Is the street food out of this world even though it would never pass any kind of health inspection? Does the smell of unwashed beggars, ship exhaust, and illegal drugs excite him? Are there aliens? How are people making do without tech? What if you compare it to a high tech world so we can get an idea of what tech even looks like there. Do signs normally float? Does Q love this place because the lack of neon lights means he doesn't get headaches? Does having low tech suck because there is no super fast public transportation? Storyline: I worry this story is going to be 75% action 25% plot. This is a strong action story with a heavy amount of swashbuckling. The reason why The Princess Bride was so good was because we got a sense of who the Man In Black was by how he defeated his foes - who we understood well. Pirates of the Caribbean's early movies were amazing because they took the time to let us get to know Jack Sparrow so any time the pirate was attempting to escape his foes, we were all cheering for him. Han Solo might be a jerk, but he was a charismatic jerk who would do anything for the people he cares about, like Chewie. If it is an action story, but I'm not rooting for the hero...well, that makes life hard. Reader's Promises: Since we are seven quick chapters in plus a prologue, I thought I'd tell you what I feel the current "reader's promises" are for me at the moment, or what I am expecting. 1) Sci-fi action story, leaning in on space opera/western. Definitely not hard sci-fi. There is going to be a lot of fighting with some cool, magical foes. Maybe - maybe? - a touch of politics. Not sure how fantasy this is going to lean. 2) Lots of: 3) Protagonist is a jerk, which means I'll either come to love him (example, Gen from The Queen's Thief) or actively root against him (Kvothe from The Name of the Wind). Currently, rooting against him, because I want to see what he will do when he has nothing. 4) Family strife with dear brother. 5) Maybe some cool tech? We've seen it with the guns, the glowing jacket, and the boots, but I would love to get more. 6) Not child friendly. Lots of violence, but not necessarily gore. Going to echo this. I need to know why *I* should be invested in this, because right now, Q isn't enough for me. Keep in mind, maybe I'm not your intended reader. But to give you an idea, this is what typically keeps me from setting down a new book (and it typically is a combination): 1) The character(s) sweep me off my feet from page one (example, Inkheart or the movies About Time or The Hundred-Foot Journey) 2) The world/magic is so fascinating I have to stick around (Mistborn, anything by Terry Pratchett) 3) Implied stakes/promises (Ender's Game, The Book Thief) 4) Reputation of the book or author (The Name of the Wind. Kept waiting for that one to get better. Unfortunately, that wasn't a book for me. A good example would be Oathbringer which took me roughly 200 pages to get into. I bullied my way through slogs of worldbuilding because I trusted Sanderson to deliver. He did.)

A great question. I have always wished that animals talked since I was a young child. I reread Narnia a million times as a child (especially The Horse and His Boy) and was addicted to The Last Unicorn both as a book and a movie. I suppose I always had this boredom with humans. Like, who cares about Harry Potter? What if Buckbeak was the star of the show? What about dragons (thanks Anne McCaffery's Pern)? What about polar bears (looking at you, His Dark Materials)? I'm sure the Warriors series did not help either. I suppose this is my answer to all of those books that never went far enough. I wanted my talking animals to be active participants and treated just like people, not like fancy, mysterious creatures or comic relief. I couldn't find a book that had just what I wanted...so I wrote one. No farm boys, no magic swords, no prophecies, no magical bonding, no foretold Chosen One, no love triangles or emo anti-heroes (*cough* Batman *cough*). Just a poor chef who gets over her head...in a world filled with talking magical and non-magical creatures. I won't lie to you. It's crazy weird. And if I ever manage to get published, I imagine I am going to make some furries very happy. Untapped market potential, there.

Heads up to the newbies who are like, "What the hell is going on in Katie's world??? Who is this person? Why are the animals talking?" I took the Chapter-by-chapter Summaries and changed it up into a Cheat Sheet with quick explanations on who people are and briefly what the world is about. You can still use the link in the email. Hopefully that will allievate some confusions, considering you are coming in around the ~70% mark.

Yaaaaaay!!!! If you have any questions, let me know. It can be a weird world to suddenly get dropped into. This is the beauty of critique! You are always right, I am always right, because we are both entitled to our opinions. What is a critique other than an opinion? One of the things you'll learn here is how to figure out whose opinions are helpful for what scenes, and who has a bias. For example, if it involves prophecies, best to ignore my opinions because I am heavily biased against them. Give me all the super small stylistic things. Since I'm quickly approaching Draft Four, I'm starting to think less about the "big picture" and start nailing down the little details. If you see me putting adverbs in the wrong place, please let me know. I'm bad about that. Common swears: "Decay" Refers to their deity, Rav, who has this ying-yang like thing going on with two charms, growth and decay. "Sparks" Refers to their religion's concept of souls. "Stars" "By the stars" Refers to their deity, who is often depicted in art as a cluster of stars before creation. I slap myself on the forehead constantly, so this is some of me bleeding over. I think I picked up the habit because it lets students visibly see when I know I've made a mistake. You use vibe a lot, I use the words dude and rad a lot. True names and such are not uncommon in fiction, as it is pulled from folklore (as is iron, silver, and charms). I've just got a nice twist going on with them meshed into a strange world. Combined, it makes for an interesting take. It actually all stems from the fact that I am really bad at memorizing names...so I gave that ability to Ir. I am an artist, so I think this is where I bleed over. I want to go back and add other sensory details in appropriate spots. A little more smell, a bit more touch, you know? Your instinct was correct: I always want to know what words people get stuck on. Veranda has tripped up you, my sister, and my mother, so I need to sneak in a quick pseudo-explanation in there through description. Fun fact! Equine and equestrian are both derivatives (or off-shoots) from the Latin word "equus" which means...you guessed it...horse! My favorite Latin derivative is probably ambulance...which comes from "ambulo, ambulare" which means "to walk." Because, you know, you walk to the hospital. Another favorite is astronaut, coming from "astrum" star and "nauta" sailor. So an astronaut is literally a star sailor. I've always loved that. (I took Latin in middle school and high school. I'm severely rusty now but I am still filled with fun facts). Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, I completely forgot to add I actually have a website with character bios. The worldbuilding is a little out of date, but most of it is good enough to be some help. I also have added Cast of Characters and a World Summary to the summaries page, which I have renamed the "Cheat Sheet." Thank you @karamel ! Fantastic first critique. You've got an eye for details I strongly appreciate.

This is hilarious to me. I have never considered this before. I'm glad you spoke up. I need to go back and add foreshadowing to everything. Thanks for leaving me this note so that I can make sure I don't leave "magic system" off the list. Hee hee hee. I'm going to change up the poison because I feel like that is too run of the mill. I want to switch it out for something more worldbuildy/magical (maybe touch on the fact that silver is deadly?). But I definitely want to keep this feeling no matter what I switch it to (open to ideas). Actually, I completely agree with you. I think the current problem that undermines this revelation is the fact that his government is still too utopia and perfect. It makes it hard to think of him as being bad when...he doesn't do anything that bad. This tells me I cut too much from this chapter. Previously, it had nearly 1,000 words on charm explanation that went too deep to the point where I was skipping. I need to find a happy medium. Thanks @ginger_reckoning !

I haven't considering a magic lesson with the BK and O. That's an interesting concept... I think I need to find a balance. Draft One/Two's magic lesson was too focused on charms, which is more relevant to the second book than this one, and slowed down the pace to the point where I was skimming. I think I need to find a happy medium on magic lessons. Chapter 28 is long enough that splitting them and then developing both of scenes won't be an issue. Have two separate chapters will certainly make it easier on the mind. Magic chapter. Relationships chapter. Boom. Good point. I've touched on it so briefly in the past that it might as well not be there (unless I cut it this draft??? Hard to remember). This is amazing. I want to be able to scare my students like this. "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope." This is where I need advice. I'm not with good relationships, especially ones that turn romantic. Mostly stems from my lack of experience, I think. I don't even know where to start. Thank you @Mandamon !

Glad I'm not the only one feeling this. The second chapter is a part of a combination of three chapters split into two, and this one I especially feel like needs to be fixed up. Hopefully, with everyone's opinions I'll be able to pin point what exactly needs smoothing over. I feel like fixing plot holes and streamlining is going to be a big part of Draft Four, while Draft Three is me trying to figure out what is relevant and where the plot holes even are.

You're not helping

Absolutely! Funny how critiquing makes you notice these things! For me, I never realize how often I used seemed, off of, and felt. The first couple of drafts were overwhelmingly, "She felt her feet move" "he took the cookie off of the table" and "the clouds seemed the color of a bruise." I also never realized how much I used passive voice before joining RE. Now I try to always remember to test my verbs with "by zombies" to see if they are passive or not. We should probably move any non-submission topics over to the proper channels. I am notoriously bad at this and trying to get better.

Completely agree. Thanks for explaining better than me! I've done this. I had to take three weeks off back in March when I was trying to figure out what the hell was going to happen with the schools and Covid. Came back and did three weeks worth of subs. It was hilarious, because by the time I was done, it was ALL Snakenaps for like a dozen threads. I would like to point out I specifically told you you didn't have to read Draft Three considering the hours you put into Draft Two. You're the one who decided to keep critiquing, you madman.

Don't overthink this part. Essentially, the idea is that you give back the time that people are putting into your work. This group doesn't work if people only submit and don't critique, right? Think of it like school: we're essentially switching papers to grade. Only, you hit the week where the overachiever wrote a really long essay. Whoops. You could attempt to match word counts. You subbed 3,400 words, so you could chose to only critique one of my chapters. But one of the skills that this group can teach you is how to see mistakes and learn how to avoid them in your own writing. I'm a teacher. All I do is look at mistakes, right? Yet, I have been critiquing every week since I joined in February (with a short hiatus when I changed jobs and stopped subbing and critiquing) and I can positively say that critiquing has by far taught me so much about editing and looking at a manuscript objectively. It has seriously helped me with my revision, and hopefully with future writing. Like with anything, the time you put into this community reflects what you take out. It depends on what you want. I have gained invaluable input on my story, yes...but I have also gained an incredible group of friends, a wealth of knowledge and advice, and connections for future cons. So, again, don't overthink this. You can put in the bare minimum (and that might be all the time you have for, I completely understand) or you can go over and above. Me? If I'm subbing (and generally even when I'm not), I critique everything that was submitted, when it be one short submission or four 5,000 submissions. It takes a chunk of my time, but I love it so I prioritize it. In true Katie fashion, I ranted instead of answering shortly XD my apologies. Hope this answered your question. Thanks for asking for clarification. It shows a lot of responsibility on your part, which I appreciate. Wish my students would do that.

We continue onwards... Thanks to everyone for putting up with a much longer submission than normal.

Thank you! I won't make a habit of it. Absolutely. For the newcomers, pretty much the only time I have ever seen this exception given out is when agents have given a deadline. So, I am lucky to have hit a quiet time and have put in the hard work to have support for this rule breaking.

@Silk will confirm us for slots once she has a moment. I would assume she's busy. I know she's PST time, if that helps, so it is still fairly early in the evening for us.

The world is populated by three groups: 1) Civilized creatures: Humans, unicorns, talking dogs, etc. A creature capable of intelligent thought. Essentially, a human mind in various bodies. 2) Mundane animals: Non-talking animals, fish, insects, dolphins, whales. Normal animals like what we have on earth. 3) Fey: Sphinxes, fairies, phookas, etc. Compassion-less, highly magical, intelligent creatures trapped up in the Feylands. Monsters.