Snakenaps

I'm later than I wanted, but, hey, it isn't Sunday! Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "You’re a giant galactic" My former Latin teacher always used to call Paris from the Trojan War a cosmic a$$hat. So this made me smile. I like the double G's in this, though. Pg 1, "I tell my brain." I relate. Pg 1, "squarish" Squarish head? Nose? Pg 1, "What if there are spores?" Is this something that can happen? My ignorance is going to lead to fungi sin one day. Pg 1, "hacked my tablet" Do you want grammar fixes? I can't remember. Pg 2, "Hi!" I really like this method of introduction. Pg 2, “Sure I am.” I find this an interesting response. Not “Sure they are.” But “Sure I am.” Says a lot about J. Not sure if you did that on purpose, can’t remember if that existed before, but I note it this time. Pg 4, “ vowing to thirty-three different deities” I think this is an exaggeration but since I don’t know the world, I can’t tell. Like, I doubt J actually believes in gods due to their personality, but I don’t know if they would actually know 33 different deities. Pg 4, “ I get so angry when I’m hungry.” Same. Pg 5, “weird customs in the galaxy” My curiosity is piqued. Pg 6, "Hearing Dr. Mom's actual name" Uh oh. That raises the stakes. Pg 8," the dust wasn’t uniformly thick" Well, that didn't go as planned. Pg 8, "You’re an idiot." I wanna give this kid a hug. Pg 9, " random kids who don’t belong" Not to mention, how many admins care? I've met some principals who know the names of every single one of their hundreds or students, and I know principals who don't even know the correct names of their staff, let alone every single student. Pg 10, " we were making out" HAHAHAHA OOOOOH NOOOO Pg 10, "I’m okay with you touching" Setting healthy boundaries! Yay! Pg 11, “Are you recording me?” At least someone's brain is functioning enough to remember the mission! Pg 14, "gives enough of the antidote" Antidote? For the tree? Or are we circling back to the brain fungus mentioned earlier? Confused. What was Dr. doing in L's village in the first place? Pg 15, "Bake-Off" When the Great British Bake-Off goes galaxy wide. Pg 16, "They keep running " I'm actually surprised (and relieved, I got tense) that J released. I thought for sure that they'd be returning with a black eye and a split lip. I ignored any grammatical mistakes since I know you're still working on this, but if you want me to go nab them, let me know. Excited to see where you take this!

Dude, slap yourself on the back and treat yourself to ice cream. Then save this somewhere really safe so you can look back at this in 10 years and see how far you've grown. But, seriously, celebrate your successes. That's what beta readers are for: to catch stuff in our expertise. I forget who, but somebody nailed me on sailboating way back in Chapter...nine? And I know @kais got after me about making the incorrect assumption that iron is stronger than wood in general. That was Chapter Eleven, I thing. PM me if you ever need horse info Good job, my friend!

May I please have a slot for Monday, January 18th?

Hey, remember that I've forgotten to attach my chapter to the email not once, but twice now? We all have those days.

I even checked the past chapters and was like, "This is a really weird way to start of a chapter."

HAHAHAHAHA that explains SO MUCH. I'll go back and edit my comments.

Katie? On a Monday? *gasp* I'm trying to get better. The Forgotten Beginning (new band name, who dis?): Pg 1, " It was slow going. " Plenty of time to think "What the hell is going on here???" Pg 1, "massive glowing tree," Brain immediately jumped to the World Tree in Nordic mythos. Pg 1, "Sorry about—" Sorry about intruding on your tree-octopus time. Pg 1, "It has been so long." Oi, this means A didn't have access to this, I bet. Pg 2, "I’m not sure how to respond to its inquiry." Me when first graders ask me really weird, half-formed questions. Pg 2, "The question is invalid." I wish I could say that to students whenever they ask me something stupid like if we have homework. Pg 2, "“What is that that" Pg 2, "was running a gauntlet," Confused. Do you mean running into a gauntlet? Annnnnnnd we're back. Dude, this makes everything else so much clearer. Thank you. After the forgotten beginning: Pg 1,"She glanced" Who dis? Ek? New character? Pg 1, "If it is here," Hmmm, a mystery. What is "it"? Pg 1, "It killed once." Oh, must be referring to "she". Who am I assuming is Ek. Pg 1, " Stop the killing!" We have motivation! Although she's likely to fail, I think, on this aspect. Admirable goal, though. Pg 1, "No mortal being should ever be here." Can robots go here, though? Pg 1, " Each second she spent here was another second of her drooling on the throne room floor." If this was me, I'd worry less about image and more "gee, am I going to die?" Should I be feeling tension here? Mystery? Pg 1, "thousands of blank white faces peering down at her with black eyes." Well that's terrifying. Pg 2, " Like L" OOOOOOOHHHHHHH How did I not get that before!!! I literally burst out laughing when it clicked. That is clever. Pg 2, "Not prepared at all." I like this, because it really emphasizes that, to me, right now, Ek is still mostly a figurehead, a puppet. So with her strings cut, she's practically useless. How will that change in the future? Pg 2, "equivalent of a riotous shout." I have decided: I like these aliens. Pg 2, " it was a necessary lie, for the time being." Confusion. That the Res is the A, or that Ek is the A? Pg 3, "Rebellion will not be tolerated at this time." Or what? Pg 3, "For G" I'm zonked. My brain thought you were referring to the Geneva Convention for a hot sec. On the other hand, both seem humanitarian in nature, so maybe you did this intentionally? Pg 3, "someone better." But convince them you're a tyrant taking over another tyrant. Brilliant. Pg 3, "with their masters" Is the entire race subservient? Pg 4, "onto the back of her hand." Does it stick to her like static? Pg 5, "now it was her job to put it all out" It sounds like we've changed POV's? Pg 5, " they had all awoken" Does everyone come out of the Physic Chat Room unconscious? Is this normal? Pg 6, "had already proven herself in the past" I wasn't there for that. Any examples? Daring rescues? Silver words at the right time? Beginning was confusing, as everyone has said. The politics confuse me, but frankly, all politics confuse me (which is why I suck at writing them), so I'm not a good judge on that. I just swallow any politics and think "if I don't understand now, maybe I will later. Or maybe I'm not smart enough for this." I think Game of Thrones taught me that habit... I really like your politics graph, though. That is cool.

Coming down to the wire. Only four chapters left. No notes otherwise. I want your unbiased reactions.

Am late, sorry. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1. I love the name, especially the surname. I'm not sure why. But I love it. Pg 1, "creaky knees" Do we have an old protagonist? I am so down for an old protagonist. Pg 1, " the extra-terrestrial had left behind." This must happen often, because this entire thing says "no big deal, let's see what ET dropped off today for Grandma." Pg 1, " your therapist figured out your alien friend" I am thoroughly enjoying this. Pg 2, "She felt, rather than saw, them" Curious to see how you feel flowers. Pg 2, "the extra-terrestrial said." Oh, feel the alien. Pg 3, "We don’t have natural blue peonies Earth." We don't? I know nothing about peonies. Especially since I have apparently been spending the last three pages picturing pansies *facepalm* Pg 5, "Question 3- no that you’ve read the piece." What? Oh, wait, I'm no longer in the story. Whoops. Man, that was confusing as all get out for a moment. Overall: I actually really liked this. It felt like, for me, a nice little short story about an old woman and an allegory for death. Except Cool Grandma doesn't die, not sir, she just goes off to another dimension. As for peony symbolism...all symbolism goes over my head so I'm not a good judge of character. I still don't get why the color yellow is so important in The Great Gatsby, for heavens sake.

Here I come, slow as a slug. You told me three things that you are less than stellar at in your email/intro, and for that I ask you tell me three things you are proud that you are good at. Otherwise, I will choose three things I admire. The point it, shore up any weaknesses you see, but don't also become your worst critic. I don't know you well yet and I'm not sure if you're one of those people who always tears themselves down or is just critical. Thoughts as I go: Pg 1, "Death is always cold..." Unless you burn to death Pg 1, "It appeared that he was getting closer." To what, I wonder? Pg 1, "And burning people alive." I am seriously loving the contrast between the burning people and the cold quote in the beginning. Pg 2, " putting his heels to his mount’s flanks to follow." Hello. I am your new Horse Friend. I am here to educate you, just like I've done to poor @kais in the past. DO NOT KICK A HORSE IN THE FLANKS. I'm grimacing in sympathy for that horse as I write this. Kicking a horse in the flank is like elbowing someone in the kidneys. Your horse would throw you so fast. A horse's flanks are here: The flanks are after the end of the ribcage, so there is no protection to a horse's guts. See the lack of bones protecting a horse's intestines in this skeleton? So poor C's horse is currently having one hell of a bad day. I would switch this out for " putting his heels to his mount’s barrel to follow." Pg 2, " wind of the passing blade as it sank deep into the saddle." Oi! Rude! Saddles are expensive. Better the saddle than the horse's legs, though. Must be one hell of a sharp sword. Saddles are made of layers of leather bolted and sewn onto a wooden tree. Pg 2, "yanked her blade from the saddle" Lucky the horse didn't take off with it! Pg 2, "The assassin’s corpse" Where'd the horse go, though? Pg 3, "giving the leather strip a tug, snapping it from the corpse’s neck." I've always wondered if this is actually possible or if it is just Hollywood, but I don't have the life experience to say. Pg 3, "his horse had run loose during the short fight" Of course it had run loose? Give a horse control of the reins when it's terrified and your horse will be long gone. He's lucky the horse isn't out of sight, being the flight animals they are. I mean, shoot, we should be amazed the horse didn't kick out at anyone when it decided to leave the fight. If he had known he was heading to an assassin, probably could have chosen a better strategy. Which says something about his character, that he underestimated her and got injured. Pg 5, "I lost my horse back there, I’ll need another." Expensive cost, but costs don't matter as much when you're in charge, eh? Pg 9, "He spit on the ground in emphasis" So much spitting. Pg 11, "He could feel the slick of blood" Can V only protect C from pain for a short period of time? Why is it not having the same affect as earlier? Pg 11, "His side exploded in pain" Never you mind, it was. Just not enough by far. Overall: I'm curious to see where you take this. Combat: Fast, descriptive, gorey, which is excellent. Lacks tension right now because I haven't become emotionally invested in C and I feel the Protagonist Plot Armor, so I am not quite drawn into it yet. I have little doubt that once you get us emotionally invested in your story/characters, the combat is going to be brutal. Tone: Tone could be quickly boosted by giving C some more character and emotion. Working on voice will do a lot for this piece. Dialogue: Dialogue can be improved with practice, so I'm not too concerned here. While the dialogue didn't necessarily draw me in, it also didn't boot me out of the story. I kind of just slid through the dialogue like I did the rest of the story, not of it horrendous and drawing me to a halt, but not sucking me in either. Thankfully, that's fixable. Sword: I'm curious to find out how rare these swords are and how they are made. I think what is throwing me off the most is that C is apparently young. Through his interactions with A, he sounded like a traditional man, edging maybe on father-figure. Yet, he also went quite recklessly after the assassin and let her harm him seriously. I'm having a hard time getting a grasp on his character, which makes it difficult for me to emotionally connect with him. For all the amount of information that is introduced, I never particularly felt overwhelmed, even if I'm not sure who the FoS are and what 100% is happening in this world. A is currently my favorite character. I like go-getters. Also had this connotation all through the chapter, to the point of being a little distracting. I also felt this, but I thought it was just my years of Latin tugging at me. I'm going to echo Silk here. I felt like I was just following through the motions instead of being pulled in. There's this emotional distance that I'm struggling with.

May I please have a slot for Monday, January 11th?

You are my new favorite person, hands down. I'd give you a pan of brownies if I could.

Especially since I hadn't thought of it beforehand. It's good to be aware and acknowledge the history behind why we should be sensitive. At the same time, though, I'm not going to live in fear of offending people, because, let's face it, if this ever gets published, I'm probably going to have a lot of people incorrectly assuming I'm a furry and get offended at that.

I never thought about this. Technically, he's not, as there are both of his kids...but unfortunately, since more than half the cast is non-human...welp... Human Characters: Ir's immediate family (A and Sej and their kids Sue, Ir, N, and Lu) Sue's immediate family (Sue and T and their kids San and Par) J W (who may or may not be black...or white...or purple. It's W) Non-Human characters: BK the unicorn P the cow M the dog Le the griffin C and G the coyote therios O the dog B the cupidine Mor the rat Wa the direwolf C's entire restaurant staff, which not one of them is a human outside of Ir... F the owl, R the dragon, and a heap of other named one-scene characters Really hard to have a diverse human cast when technically the only ones who aren't related to Ir are T, J, and W :/ On the other hand, the extensive non-human cast could be literally any race if turned into humans. Mom has always pictured Le the griffin as a New Yorker with a thick accent, for instance. I try not to think about it too much because I don't want unconsciously force them into stereotypes or tropes. I'd rather keep T black and kill him than turn T white or something and still kill him. On the other hand, this is something I'll definitely keep in mind when I'm not writing books about talking unicorn kings.

You know...I literally never thought about that. Hmmmm...

W is not the love interest, not even really a friend yet I'd argue that W is like the gum on the bottom of your shoe. Appears when you least expect it, sticks around even when you don't want them to, and is hard to get rid of.

That's my current thought...is to have W pretend they are supposed to nab a completely different prisoner and disguise/illusion Ir as another inmate. Be like, "Hey neighbor, I'll get you these almond cookies if you trade clothes with this woman." They could forge a release document quickly. But they wouldn't be able to make one for Ir because the guards didn't even tell other guards, let alone put her in the registry.

Thanks for asking for clarification! Otherwise it might have ended up confusing!

Five chapters left. Still too many, imo. @Sarah B I would LOVE LOVE LOVE any medical input you have on this chapter. Google was not happy with me trying to find out what happens with wounds and I couldn't just...call up the local hospital or police. @Robinski Thank you for stabbing major holes in this chapter. This is one of those chapters that needs to be as perfect as possible, and it isn't there yet. I'm thinking once I get the setup right, this will really pull on people's heartstrings. I think what works well is that there's isn't a lot of blood/gore in this book, so when it does happen...you pay attention.

W's not the love interest that'd be J. W is more of the pain in the rump busybody who has their thumb in every pie. They're the BK's spy. And Ir is definitely busting herself out of the house by herself. No one to save her there. What we were mulling over was having the guards from the palace be bribed/be Revolutionaries. In the next chapter (spoilers for like the first paragraph) the BK steps in and finds her in jail. What I'm considering is a try/fail cycle of her trying to warn the BK. She fails to alert him, gets tossed in jail. No BK to fish her out, because the guards won't alert him. However, W, hidden as a servant (which they have done before, it's how they like to travel the palace) sees the guards nab her but doesn't overhear what she's being arrested for. Ir saved their tush voluntarily several chapters back, so they trust her to a degree, and more importantly, they know that Ir's sister/brother-in-law are Revolutionaries. W, being incredibly curious and not a little suspicious, would want to know what is going on. Ergo, bust her out for information.

HEADS UP! This chapter actually has violence and gore in it. That's like...the third time in this entire book? Wow.

These are most appreciative. I am definitely trying to get all of the wrinkles out, especially the small ones. You definitely picked one hell of a time to jump in XD Glad it rang so true. The argument has gone through so many revisions, because I actively avoid conflict in my life, and therefore struggle to write it. Kinda hilarious, considering this is rapidly evolving from a slice-of-life to political intrigue/drama.

I'm definitely hopping on this train. I think it needs to be W who busts Ir out, a repayment for her help with the crystal. Also, since they know that Sue/Tal are Revolutionaries, they would also believe her immediately. I think I still want to toss her in prison (circles back nicely now to how her first day is going to be knowing names of inmates), and then have W rescue her. I just have to figure out how. W is about cleverness and disguises, not about assassinations and killing. So they aren't going to brute force the guards.

See, this is why I put a photo of cookie grandma. Because I didn't want you picturing these two: And these two aren't stock photos...they're DJ's. I want to adopt them.

Apparently no cookies for you then. Let me try again: