Sarah B

Chapter 1: much improved! I especially like how you've tightened up the desert description. The sand river phrase was a nice touch. The rice joke is a little weird, it might work if you play it up a little more though. I agree with Mandamon though that it might play better saved for later. The descriptions of skin tone feels a little awkward still. At this point, in this version, that's all I really know about F and A besides their home towns. It might be enough just to describe how they've never seen anyone like the old woman before. Although that could be problematic too... Chapter 2 It seems odd that S would describe his own clothes as traditional and dress-like if this is what he always wears. The rest of the clothing description was very easy to picture though. The action was really solid and so was the description of S's power use. Its fun seeing someone before they get super powerful. Luke pre-Yoda :-) DK comes off as very capable and a bit temperamental to me. Her mood seems to flip quickly from angered and hurt to doting girlfriend. Or it feels like she was just feigning anger as a manipulation? I hope not the second one as it would put me off DK pretty quickly if that's how she acts. I find myself drawn to the second set of characters more than the first. S and DK have a clear objective short term and a long term goal they are working towards so I'm rooting for them. Overall, very vivid story telling!

Well, here is the first chapter of my ill fated story. Please see the warning in the email about a potential stress element. This story is Space Opera/Social Scifi I love hard scifi, but this is definetly not hard scifi. That being said, if any of the tech particularly bugs you, please feel free to call it out. Thanks for reading! Sarah B

Can I have a slot for October 12th? I'm hoping deadline panic will kickstart my editing brain for draft 2-3ish.

If anyone wants another 'buddy' for nano, my profile name is "SarahB" Super creative, I know :-) Coming up with names is hard.

Thanks :-) Sounds like you have a lot of creative work to do already!

Is anyone doing nanowrimo this year? I signed up and am outlining my project now. I like the push to get a bunch of words on the page, succeed or fail.

That's a worthy cause! Great job teacher, you're keeping your students sane with art!

The first half of the first chapter almost felt like another book by another author. I really enjoyed the parts after that, but the beginning felt like a different tone entirely to me. A lot of metaphors in the first paragraph. The last sentence seems oddly broken up with the 'unperturbed' in there. "All were waiting to see if the B K <would keep>..." I think, to make the tense agree. "Although A disapproved," I think this sentence is a bit clearer with the comma bumped up. I'm going to stop flagging commas... this is more @Robinski's territory. It does feel like there are a lot of sentences with unnessicary breaks, or that should be two sentences for clarity. Mar being referred to as a 'dog' always catches me like she's being insulted. Probably just because of all the dog related insults in common usage. "Then the day before the first..." A little tangled. About half way through the first chapter I feel like you got your groove back. The story starts flowing nicely and I'm right back in it. Fun developments! I look forward to seeing what happens next.

I enjoyed the light tone and fast pacing of your story. It's a nice introduction where A, H, and F all come through as distinct people. A few things I noticed: Second sentence is really wordy, possibly could use some rearranging. "Keeper of L..." It seems like this is an expression but its placement and the comma afterwards reads strangely. Rocks: "just a foot off the ground..." sounds like they're floating... unless they are floating? The paragraph starting, "A- jogged over..." you've got a double 'realized' in close proximity. I'm ok with a character with a juvenile sense of humor, but would prefer it with more sense of depth behind it. It felt like A is J from the prequel, they have similar dialogue patterns and behavior. Thanks for sharing!

I love the new ending in Al's perspective! So much better and sets a clear point to flash forward from. There are still a couple parts that feel like 'telling the reader.' Specifically Al identifying that the two boys with her are apprentices and their qualities etc, and when J is thinking to himself that he and G aren't brothers. These parts aren't terrible, they just caught my eye as odd things for these characters to be dwelling on when it would be just a part of life for them. Great job on the new draft!

Welcome! I'm a relative newbie here too. My only addition to the comments above is that it feels like the story actually starts with the switch ot J's perspective. I don't mind the POV hop but since he is the youngest and seems to have things explained to him anyways, I'm not sure you need A's POV. I got a strong One Peice vibe from their power usage, very fun. The descriptions of powers took away from the action scene for me, but I think the actual movements and what was happening was very clear and fun to read. Writing action is no easy feat! May the prose be with you!

Hello, I was late to the party for this one so I read last week's before realizing there was a revised version for this week :-) Much improved from the the previous draft. Many of the foggy parts that I had planned to comment on were fixed. Some of the descriptions were really beautiful, weather the subject was grotesque or otherwise. I felt a strong western gothic vibe with some horror elements thrown in. I should mention that I am not typically a fantasy genre reader so many of the accepted conventions and tropes are lost on me. I am also a nurse who works primarily with kids so due to that bias, some parts of this story hit me the wrong way. The element of child sacrifice really turned me off of the other two main characters from the start. It seemed apparent from the first 'story' around the fire that this is what was comming, and the reference to many other lost children seemed to suport that these two adults are repeatedly and knowingly bringing children to their deaths. In the second draft, being shown the sacrifice re-doubled this feeling. I had zero sympathy when D and O died for this reason. I also struggle with why S is going along with this or would be excited to 'see dragons' unless she was coerced or being lied to. This may be just my issue, and has nothing to do with the quality of the story telling. Just a personal sore spot. Feel free to ignor. A few line by line notes: "Fireplace" to me is part of a house. This may just be local usage, but an outdoor fire has a pit or a ring but not a place. Or is just a fire. I have no idea why, this just caught my eye. Pg 4: "without a child's menace..." child's menace? Pg 8: "the blood began to crackle" outside of her body? Not sure what's happening here. Pg 10: "It took the rest to forget" rest of what? Pg 13: "fell to his feet." In my mind O was already standing, so I wasn't sure what to picture. I don't mean to seem negative or discouraging. I think I am just not your target reader for this story. There is some really solid writing here I hope you find a publisher home for it!

Not much to add to earlier comments: Chapter 20: Paragraph starting: J hesitated as he put..." Near the end of the paragraph is a sentence that doesn't quite match up, "he takes creatures like trying to overthrow him..." maybe 'actions' instead of creatures. The point J makes about his father headhunting skilled tradesmen doesn't seem to fully connect to what they are talking about, like maybe a beat in the conversation is missing? Not sure it just struck me as standing out. I loved your tactile descriptions and the other sensory information you include. That's something I am always trying to work on. Looking forward to more next week, May the Prose be with you!

Bring on the chapters! I'm up for some extra NOTK each week. I liked these chapters. There are some tone shifts but given the different settings I think it made sense overall. The rain description in the beginning gets a little repetitive, similar words in repeating order but I liked the section over all. A few typos/small grammer things: "A cozy library whose floors..." I think 'with' here, but I'm not 100%. Same paragraph: "As P introduced them to those..." isn't she just introducing Ir here? Around 80% "The Blackt was for the elite only, anyone else considered worthy for bathing in the sewer." Maybe, "Everyone else was considered worthy to bath in the sewers."

I think you've just come up with a new service for writers; The mildly threatening writing coach, coercion to create. See also: the extra strenght edition with 100% more death threats!

If so, I hope you can rest up and give your immune system every chance to fight if it needs to! I was in quarantine but only for a day until the person that linked me to the confirmed case tested negative. Strange times.

I had mostly the same issues as @Mandamon There is a slight typo near 20% where monster should be monsters. The idea of this other city/fortress being built is intriguing. I got a little bogged down in the place names, I think that reading a chapter a week makes it harder to get familiar with things than reading straight through would though. There are a lot of things on the table for nearly half way; Why the BKs name is important, revolutionaries, a musical tour, a fortress being built and feys. Also, over 90% of Ir's year under contract is still ahead of her. Is this set to be the first book in a series? Sorry if this was already explained. Ir seems pretty terrible at secrets, but that certainly builds tension :-) A fun read as always!

The first half was a little choppy for me but I loved the beach scene! Great use of senses and lots of personality. I think this is my favorite part so far. I liked the tension that you built with Ir starting to see both sides at once and it complicating her world view. Great chapter overall, May the prose be with you!

This is wildly different from the last draft! Well done trying some bold changes and not being afraid to do intensive rewriting. The exposition was a little dense for me but I was following it. I didn't get sidelined until the name Tris pops up, and then I recovered by jumping ahead a little and putting it together. My impression of the stage show was something like an ancient holo-screen. The action of the fight/attack was a little murky for me. I can understand wanti g to skim over the violence if that's not something you want to write but it was a little confusing. The 'Okay' in the last line felt out of place with the rest of the language in the story. I agree that the characters could use some more meat on their bones, but I found this version of the beginning much more appealing than the last version. May the prose be with you!

Very clear chapter with a good pace! The only thing I caught is a little picky, so please feel free to ignor; When the musician is digging through the instrument cabinet, Ir describes how his fingers move in the dark, how can she see them? I had a hard time visualizing this because it seems like he would have been between her and the cabinet, and if he couldn't see the instruments she definetly couldn't see his hands. I liked the 'shut up she's not invited' dialogue. Flashbacks to taking a drama class in college when everyone else was established in the group and I was the only new student to not drop the class. Very authentic feeling :-) I'm glad your pressing on with this book, looking forward to the next chapter.

There's a RE facebook page?! Well, I know what I'm reading on my break tonight.

That's a big list to tackle. It definetly includes all the things I noticed and then a bunch more. If you are looking for reference material for the BK, you might consider delving into some anime plots and character arcs. I think what you are aiming for with his character is someone who seems irredeemably terrible at the start but will become sympathetic and even admirable by the end. This is a strong anime/manga trope, as you probably know. 'One Piece' in particular makes a point of making you hate a character and then come to love them or at least understand them (often against your will) and taking villains and making heroes out of them.

@Turin Turambar @kais @Silk @Robinski All good points! I think I'll try out solutions by redrafting a scene that was particularly confusing with each option and see which comes out the clearest. Thank you for all the advice and feed back. I think I was a bit paralyzed but I can start digging into edits now. Thanks again!

That's a really good idea, thank you! I think I was getting turned around with the combination of plural and singular they, where both are applicable for the same person. Or I was just over thinking it. Probably the second one :-) Thanks again

I think this thread has been dormant for a while, but just in case anyone's still checking: I've run into a grammatical pronoun issue and I'm hoping for some advice. In my book, most of the main characters are members of an alien species that are colony life forms (ie several thousand individuals joined to make one, a bit like coral). Since each colony is composed of multiple genders but addressed from the outside as one person, my thought was to use they/them and we/us for self identification. The problem comes in when telepathy gets added to the mix. Because in addition to each colony being internally linked, the colonies are more loosely linked to each other into a sort of bio-internet. So I'm running into a lot of Thems and Theys and getting confused. Initially I thought I could solve this by adding the specific name, but then I've got aliens who all speak like Tarzan (ie We Sarah, They Bob). I've got a ton of world building going on, so I am hoping to work out something that is somewhat self explanatory. My writer sense says I am very near my exposition level breaking point already. Any tips or ideas? Am I comming at this from the wrong direction? Advise appreciated.