Sarah B

This draft is certainly an easier read! I miss some of the depth and texture from the last version though. Iron being reflective: bronze can also be very reflective when polished. I would have thought the value of iron over bronze would be its strength. A couple POV breaks: "Hence the goggles." And the explaination of the term 'glint' both seem to address the reader directly. Ivd stroked his hilt. "Yes," he said, "R." He paused, "Why..." This read very choppy for me for coming from one speaker. I think either the said or the pause could be cut out without any loss. "The prefect" I'm not an expert on titles but it seems like Prefect may need to be capitalized, especially when it comes with 'The.' This version seems completely different, I'm interested to see if or how it intersects with characters from the previous version.

I didn't get this chapter via email. I know t-mobile/Sprint has been glitchy today so that might be part of it. Would you mind resending it?

Wow, that was a lot of ground to cover! Nice work! The beginning time skip was a bit confusing. It seemed like starting in the present, rewinding and then catching up without a clear, 'first, then, now' "Two fingered ward." Sorry, I have no idea what this is. About 25% "I will not betray my compatriots to you..." This sentence gets a little tangled for me with the speaker's verbal ticks. Maybe two simpler sentences? War beasts: very cool Time skip: the jump after the Ari meet up with everyone seems strange. As @Robinski commented, it really reduced the sense of tension for me. "We'll need to hold off the Ev a little longer." I didn't get the impression that this is what they were doing. It seemed like they were just running raids and trying to figure out how to remove all of them. Are they aware of what S and WW are doing at this point? Around 45%: "We've got you, "I said, and S found his scaley snout..." Dang pronouns! To my knowledge 'his' always refers back to the most recent person so this reads as S's scaley snout. A other noob question but just in case this is relevant: does closing the gaps in the Sym cost notes? Because I thought S was already tapped out but he's closing a lot of gaps. Epilogue; Paragraph starting, "The Sphere's design..." "What happened her" 'here' instead. Satisfaction level: very high I can't speak to promises made in earlier books but this one seems wrapped up nicely with an ominous villain, a shadowy organization and massive rebuild waiting for future books. And a wedding! Although I really thought for a moment that the wedding is what we were seeing through R's eyes until S wasn't there. Both feet firmly sticking the landing! Well done

Can definetly feel things wrapping up! I must have been too into the narrative because I didn't notice very many things to point out :-) "Opening an old box of rice and roaches pouring out..." wait, there are roaches here?! Very evocative but I find myself wondering if S brought roaches with him somehow. I was very unclear about what S was doing at the end. It seems like there was a jump from "I'm going to fix everything," to "I'm going to whack things with a bat, run away, and see what happens." Part of my problem might have been that I was a bit bogged down in some of the world terminology. Good tension though. Can't wait to read the end next week!

Great fast paced chapter! My only hang up was that the fight between I and E and the assassin seemed rushed over. I didn't really get a chance to be concerned for them or really picture what was going on before it was over. Maybe this wasn't an essential part but it felt like the fight was the pinch to Re's plot line. N and Re had some great dialogue together, I really liked their interactions. Great chapter overall!

I really enjoyed this chapter, it seemed to flow well and the visuals of the Place were good grounding for what I assume is a major setting in the story. A few little things I noticed: 2nd paragraph; word order feels odd, maybe "The Griffin, who bearly came up to her waist, gave a..." "Like all Th...." This statement seems out of character voice, like a narrator stepping in suddenly. Same paragraph: "black rich cotton..." might change to "rich black cotton." Its one of those weird English things that the color is usually last in the list of descriptive words. (Ie: big black dog, pretty red shoes) I really liked the description of P when "her large ears focused on I." Great bovine body language. On a similar note, a cow serving cheese made me giggle :-) "Ir watched from her hands..." this visual took me a minute to sort out. I have to agree with this comment; Perhaps 'blight' or mold instead of plague? I really liked this chapter over all, excited to read the next one!

The time and love you've put into your world building really shows. It feels like there is complex cultural interplay going on which is interesting. I would have loved to see more of what the town looks like, to get a sense of culture, tech level, and type of town it is. For themes, I mainly picked up in the Outsiders/Knight errant elements. It seems like an 'Us vs. Them' element is likely to come into play along with 'seiged by monsters'. A few other things if you like, but feel free to ignor: 1st paragraph: "But now he finnaly..." this phrase seems to shift tense from the rest of the paragraph. "Like all denizens of C...." There are a few lines of exposition that stand out to me in the first 1/4 of the story and feel like I'm being told something. T's entrance with the guards: This felt a little forced and the explaination given didn't really add up to me since it seems like T could have just as easily followed back the way they came. It seemed like maybe there was another reason for him to barge in at this point, but as a reader I don't see why. The song: I completely get that the music is an important elelement and will likely come up again. If you don't want to include lyrics though, I really don't think you have to. The Phantom of the Opera, the book the musical was based on, had some very compelling descriptions of the music but not a single lyric. Scalpel: this seemed out of place with the rest of the healing going on. Maybe a surgery knife, but scalpel invokes a more modern feel. Again, I don't know if this is useful, but some minerals like Obsidian can be brought to an incredibly sharp edge and were used for percision cutting long before anyone could get a metal blade edge that sharp. As someone who hasn't read the first story, I didn't feel left behind at all, well done!

@shatteredsmooth That is almost exactly what I was aiming for! Yay! The first paragraph was written last because I realized that my narrator was not showing up nearly enough and I needed to show where things would be heading. It really doesn't mesh well with the rest but that portion is closest to what I was hoping for the over all tone. A present narrator is something I would like to try again but also a skill I need to refine. A lot :-) Thanks for reading and for your responses!

@Turin Turambar Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate your feedback :-)

@hawkedup Thank you for reading and for your responses!

@Robinski I was not at all offended :-) I just imagined that seeing editing that needed to be done and not doing it must be a bit like hearing someone sing the wrong words to your favorite song and not being able to correct them. I know that puts my teeth on edge! Thanks again

Thank you @Snakenaps I hadn't considered the narrator being a cat, I like it! I, too, would love to see a semi automatic harpoon gun :-) And I completely agree, the ship was built by the lowest bidder and currency of some kind exchanged hands durring the inspection. Thank you for reading and for your responses! I'm glad you enjoyed the asides and humor.

Thanks @Mandamon There is definetly alot of editing and refining of concept that would need to be done if I was writing this as a short story or a novel. I can see where I am pushing the suspense of disbelief too far in this writing exercise. Thanks for reading!

Thank you @TheDwarfyOne Your responses were very close to what I was hoping for! This is a recurring issue and unfortunately the primary focus of the writing exercise. Looks like I need to keep working on this skill. Thanks for your responses!

Thank you @PiedPeterPiper Yeah, that was me attempting to signal the reader that, "this is all going to be a bit silly, sit back and relax." I probably should have cut it down, but I was too in love with the idea of c-grade rubber-suit monster stories being told in space. And the visual of a semi-automatic harpoon gun :-) I guess that's why it's called killing your darlings eh? Thank you for your responses!

Thanks @Robinski Classic space opera is my all time favorite so I take that as very high praise. Too much cat, got it :-) I can definetly see that the narrator's voice is problematic. I kept tweaking it but was never quite happy with the results. I'm afraid artifacts from switching tense and POV may have survived. My intent was a nearly-all-seeing narrator, a sort of tech augmented seer, with later interactions with S and a grudge. She was intended to introduce herself and her situation vaguely and then proceed to tell the reader about S. Instead there is a big seam that needed to be ironed out between the first paragraph and the rest. Thank you for your restraint, I'm sorry to hear it was so painful! I just didn't want anyone spending too much time on my writing exercise that is destined to live in a slush file. I'll make sure next time I submit something that can be duly grammer checked. Thanks again!

Thanks for reading @aeromancer I totally agree, there are enough tech plot holes here to fit a Dyson Sphere through :-) Normally I would agonize over these details more but since it was a writing exercise I really didn't put the time needed to flesh out that element. Or the aliens I mentioned, which I hijacked from the novel I'm writing. Sort of like a Cameo from an actor no one has heard of. Semi-automatic harpoon gun: Nope, that's what I meant in all its ridiculous glory. Because the only thing more impossible and useless than a semi-automatic harpoon gun would be Fankinstein's monster trying to fire it from the back of a dog sled. In the dark. I start giggling every time I write that, I don't know why I find it so funny. Thank you for your careful reading and your responses to my questions!

Thank you @Lost Owl Needs Tea I have to ask, what kind of tea? I'm a black tea fan but always up for chai or oolong :-) I can see how the kids scene is confusing, that was me trying to be clever with exposition and missing my mark. Thank you for reading and your replies!

Thanks for reading @kais This reference is probably out of place for a scifi story, my bad :-) Back in the day, nautical ships often had at least one cat on them to both prey on the rats and mice that would try to eat cargo and for companionship. That is what I based the idea of a standard "Ship's human" on. Sorry to hear the end put you off, I can see what you mean about the tone shift though. I definetly need to work on clarity of thought as this is not what I had intended. Very useful input, thanks!

Chapter one definetly feels like the tip of a huge and well thought out iceberg. There is a lot of depth and richness to the details you use. Most of my notes have already been covered by others. The prologue was interesting but I couldn't get a foothold in what was going on. It seems like it might need to be a shorter scene with less information like a brief teaser, or the same scenes but with more explaination. My biggest confusion is if the prologue MC is looking over his home city, or a city they invaded and destroyed. It also struck me that looking over a desolate city was an odd time to be flirting unless the character has a megalomania element (ie: Loki, The Master from Doctor Who, Dr. Smith). The last line of the prologue also left me a bit baffled since it seems like the MC is both responsible for the robot and suprised by it. Overall, intrigued and confused. My favorite element is your writing voice. Thanks for sharing

Wow, fantastic visuals in this chalter. I especially liked the "bones and crystal" version. All the details could have bogged down the pacing but the details and sensory really helped keep the story compelling. My one catch was WW being called 'she' and 'her' in one paragraph about 2/3 through. The one starting, "It's like a model for all the other ones..." Thanks for sharing

Nice chapter! The trip into the diadem was easy to follow and compelling. I felt like I's decision to bargain was a bit rushed over for how suprising it would be to E after their discussion to do almost exactly the opposite. The point came across clearly though. The only other hangup I had was "like salt in ice cubes." This was not a clear visual for me, I found myself weighing the ideas of frozen salt water in cubes vs hollow ice cubes with powdered salt somehow inside to see which would make sense as a comparison. I really enjoyed it overall. Thanks for Sharing.

This chapter is actually a writing exercise from from Writing Excuses. The goal was to communicate to the reader what kind of story it will be using the first chapter. This isn't a part of an ongoing project and will likely only every be a writing exercise, so please don't worry about doing a careful reading or edit. What I am hoping for is your answers to three questions after reading the first chapter: 1. What tone and type of story are you expecting? 2. What elements would you expect to see? 3. What big moment/climax would you anticipate, based on the first chapter? Thank you for taking a look. Its approximately 2,100 words with (v) and (g) content warnings. non-graphic but present

Hi! Just putting my hat in to submit a chapter this week, June 1st, if there's room.

Whoops.... I just commented a list of the hyphenated words for chapter 20. Great minds think alike I guess :-) Maybe you caught some I missed