Sarah B

Glad to read the next chapter! The main points have all been covered by other comments, just a few things to add: 1st paragraph: but he believe, needs to be 'believed' Cello metephore: I might be misinterpreting it, but it seems like a mixed metaphor with both music scale and size scale. Or it's a pun and I missed it. 'K weighed the man up...' I understood this line but it struck me as odd. I've heard 'sized the man up' but never weighed. 'M had woken up in the wrong bed... ' great line! Near 50%: 'the breeze played along the little exposed skin...' I think 'little' could be left out for a stronger sentence. D's outline up ahead - this sentence took me a couple tries to sort out. Might be clearer as two separate statments? 'M whispered urgently, grinning maniacally...' even though you only have one descriptive word for each verb, they're so close they feel piled up. Cutting one or the other might improve the flow. Near 2/3; remote destruct sentence is missing a 'have' I really like the Northern lights sequence as well. I'm not sure the effect is bright enough to shine in windows like moonlight does though. I've never seen them in person so I could be wrong. Near 90%: 'heads turning, tilting occasionally' could be combined to 'their heads turning and tilting occasionally but....' The velociraptor parts were fun to read, anyone who has walked away from the campfire at night can relate to that feeling to some extent. If you were looking to stretch the stalking scenes out and add some more action, you could even have someone slip or take a posture that isn't human looking enough for their programming to register. Depending on how their programming works, would that mean that the velociraptors would attack that person until the stood straight and looked human again? Or would an odd smell cover their human scent and make them fair game? The fact that E warns them when the velociraptor's first show up seems to hint that the programming may be fallible. Thanks for sharing!

My favorite chapter so far. I really liked you balance of information, dialogue, and action. The opening entry seemed to have a couple run on sentences with multiple topics. Aound the 50% mark there was a pronoun switch just before the paragraph that started, "You see my apostle." Thanks for sharing!

So much better! This version feels much more stream lined and to the point. I didn't catch anything to fix on my read through. Thanks for sharing!

I really liked some of the descriptions you used for this chapter, especially to demonstrate your POVs mind state. For me, the strongest example was your description of the fountain being like an artery. Well done! First time reader issue: There are two groups of people, one who the POV apparently represents and many surrounding people from the other group. Both start with S and are a bit tricky to memorize. I don't recall reading either before this chapter so if there is significance to these groups besides establishing that the POV is in the minority, it is lost on me. Thanks for sharing!

Yes! Or should I say 'yus'? So much better! Finally a (maybe) payoff for all the reminders about Q's son. Even if it's a red herring, I feel rewarded as the reader for paying attention and have my suspicions validated. My only hang up, and it's minor, is why the officers drew on M after coming in and seeing him at the cells. He said he was there to give evidence and presumably they let him down there. Given his profession, it seems likely he could have kept his gun out of their sight pretty easily, so why did they start on the offensive? I would buy that they were watching on a security camera and saw him with a gun, some clarification from the officers would be nice though. Thanks for sharing!

This is my favorite chapter so far. I'm starting to feel some tension and peril in the plot and it moved along well, especially the first half. A couple general things that jumped out at me: What does losing notes mean? So far in this book people have used notes and drawn them back, but I don't have a solid idea of what the loss of notes means for a person. The creatures: if they are actually eating their victims, they would have to have one heck of a digestive chemistry to be able to eat that kind of bio-diversity and not be poisened by it. Assuming life on your species' different worlds is as diverse as they are, that's an incredible range of potential elements and compounds to be able to handle. Even on our little world, every species has living things that they cannot eat, from apex predators and right down to bacteria. Maybe that's not an issue here, but it might be worth considering if you go into more detail on these creatures. Dialogue: it's getting easier, but I am still getting lost in the large blocks of dialogue with multiple speakers. The different sentence structures helps but also occasionally gets frustrating to point where I am fighting the impulse to skim to the end and just see what they are actually going to do. This might be a personal problem rather than a story problem. I don't read epic fantasy so I might just be missing the expected beats in the story. (I realize that admitting not to reading epic fantasy on Brandon Sanderson fan site is close to blasphemy. I am a fan of his classes and Writing Excusses) Small details: Near 60%: "weapons will not help significantly" You might cut 'significantly' as from the description that follows weapons fo nothing. Near 65% collect as many representatives and maji as possible who have stayed. One of your characters speaks like this, but I don't think it's this character. This sentence would be a bit clearer with, "as many ... who stayed as possible." near 70% S H has been collecting people for many days before the attack started and they have been staying at her house already? This seems a little odd as a first time reader. Maybe it makes sense in world though. That's it for me. Sometimes I get hung up on grammer and then realize that this character turns phrases like that. It must be a beast to grammer check everyone! thanks for sharing

Antagonists: I can't really say I felt anything for them. There was so little mentioned about them and from the tone of the story it was apparent that they weren't going to win, so I found myself ignoring them. Hang up on the ending: if the counsel was powerful enough that the Queen couldn't just overturn their decision, wouldn't their absence be a big deal? Possible alternate ending; Show some of the counsel being abusive to their horses earlier on. Then after the horse girls and prince come to terms, they turn one of the abused male horses into a human that looks like the prince. They then live happily ever after as horses/humans elsewhere and the horse turned prince becomes king and takes care of the counsel and protects the horses of the kingdom as well as the humans. Thanks for sharing!

A pleasant chapter to read with some great lines. Still waiting for some forward motion but I enjoyed it. Just a few things: It's got all the sugars: love this line Hamstrings protested loudly: This makes me think they made an audible sound. I would believe his knees crackling audibly but if your hamstrings are audible outside of your body something terrible and possibly irreperable has happened to you. General note: Q is using TOM and The OM interchangeably around E. I don't remember anyone explaining this term to her so it feels like she could end up thinking there's this guy named Tom and also The OM. E's drink: Not a pivital detail but: first she has her own bottle which she uses to point at Q. 2nd she has a highball glass which is for any carbonated mixer with spirits or sometimes another mixed drink. 3rd She has to wait to order another from the bar tender. 4th she licks scotch from her lips and there is ice in her glass. 5th she sips whiskey. So either she has her own bottle of scotch but ordered a soda water and ice to mix it with and then orders a whiskey, or she started with beer and then ordered scotch and then a whiskey both of which would normally come in a tumbler not a highball glass. Much more important things going on but this was a hang up for me. So far above my paygrade... : loved this line too Near 80% mark: "This little chat" The paragraph change had me expecting E to be speaking until I realized from context it was still Q. An identifier would be nice. Looking forward to the next chapter, Thanks for sharing!

I really enjoyed the setting descriptions in this chapter. It especially made H D a more intriguing character. My only real negative comment is that this is another chapter with far more planning and discussing than acting. Seeing characters take more actions (like H D got in this chapter) really helps lock unfamiliar characters in my memory as a new reader. More than descriptions alone. This chapter flew by! I was easily able to picture where they were and what they were doing. Thanks for sharing!

I really liked this chapter overall! The first half felt a bit meandering, possibly due to this-then-that and 'again' usage. By the second half, the chapter was on it's feet and running though. I especially liked your closing line. Details: Opening paragraph; "For there is one aspect of portals that speak of." Seems like a word or two are missing. S B conveyance question: it seems like from context that this is a dead loved one you bring back to life to use as a vehicle. Is that right? If not, some clarification might be needed for the new reader. Near 80% mark: "The E looked much as he did today when he was..." This sentence seems grammatically sound but feels a bit tangled up and took a couple re-reads before I was sure what you were saying. Great flow of information in this chapter, the expositong was worked in nicely. Thanks for sharing!

Also happy to see another M POV! I agree with comments about the opening scene, conversation between Q and Mor seems a little overworked. This stands out because the majority of the dialogue in the chapter is so much stronger. Details: Double usage of 'stood' within three words of eachother between the 1st and 2nd paragraph. 4th paragraph: 'She fought not to look at the clock' this has an odd sing song quality to it that stands out. "Do you think I'm going to kill you, Q, when you..." Just a preference, but you stated that Mor turned to face Q before he started speaking, it seems a bit forced that he breaks his sentence to name him after that. Near the 70% mark: That’s one of M’s job, and she’s good at it,” said Q.” Silk already covered job/jobs and there's also an extra parentheses after Q That's all I caught! The energetic heist feel of this story overall does seem to be slowing now. It feels like you're telling the reader, 'wait, it's not the end yet' when previously the story felt like it was ratcheting up stakes and tension for a conclusion. Depending on how much story is left this might be what you to meant to do. It's been a while since we've seen Mor live up to his reputation. Most of his appearances have been threatening only. I would love to see more of what he's been doing this whole time and it would bring up his perceived threat level. a fun read as always, thanks for sharing!

Thanks for both rounds of edits! I especially appriciate the eye bolt catch. Consensis is that the majority of that part needs to be cut so I'll figure out their new baracade system from scratch. The radio has bothered a few people, I'll need to address exactly what's happening in more detail. Also the redshirts :-)

Thank you so much! Thinking up the last line was when J really developed as a character for me, I'm glad you liked it.

Thanks Aeromancer! I appriciate the suggestions and the tech checking. The Faraday cage wasn't intended for the radio waves but the EM waves generated from using anything electric. The radio is solar charging hence why it has to be kept out and would constantly be a risk if not contained. I didn't explain any of this though, so thats on me. Since J didn't know or particularly care I left it out but maybe I should rethink that. Rolling blob of doom is exactly what I was going for so I'll take that as a win. I agree, a bunker would be a much smarter option for survival and I imagine there are thousands of people around the world doing just that in this scenario. J and L are just too curious and driven for their own good :-)

Thank you for the tips and the thorough critique!

Hello fellow PNW winter survivor! I loved the fog and tree descriptions. They set the tone well and prepared me to take my time and drink the story in. My impression of the ending is that the daughter, who I beleive is never given a name besides her nicknames, is some sort of Spector or projection from the Grandmother who wasn't done living yet. This would explain why she only interacts with the mother and leaves no evidence besides an item that the mother bought for her. Another possible explanation is that your VC is schizophrenic. The ending in general was telegraphed a bit early, but part of that could be that I knew when I started it that it was a Christmas ghost story so I was expecting the daughter to die or disapear on Christmas. Without the introduction, I think it would have been more suprising. The details were still a suprise though. "Somehow reminiscent of a victorian gas lamp" I would skip 'somehow' as it weakens a great sentence. "I'm tired of being myself" this seems like a very advanced spontaneous sentence for a preschooler. Given the circumstances though, I would buy this as an early hint. "The old fashioned" I'm used to seeing as "the old fashioned way" not necessarily wrong but attention grabbing. Thanks for sharing! This isn't a genre I typically read but it was well written and very enjoyable.

Hello, Great pacing for this chapter and enough action and cool moments that the exposition didn't drag at all. A few things that were confusing as a new reader of your series; Opening quote. It seems like the speaker is A but is also referring to A as though they are a different species. Around 15% mark; Instead he made a grab for I's hand.... This sentence seems to flip viewpoints mid way between S and A, partly because it indicates S's thought process and partly because I is referred to twice in different terms. "....although they had escaped the E's sick room in different directions" this seems like you're touching briefly on something from a previous book. As a new reader it completely knocked me out of the story. If it isn't an important point at this time, maybe the nessicary information could be worked in another way? The E wall: this sounds cool and it's been mentioned a few times already. Now that we're seeing it I would love to get some more description of what it is and what it looks like. "Kill them!" Paragraph: This is also very confusing. A quick reminder of what 'instance' means in this context and names instead of 'them' and 'he' would help quite a bit I think. Around 25% mark: "She grabbed a and squeezed the notes out" Only a vegue idea what she is doing here without re reading the Story Bible you included with the 1st chapter. A reintroduction of these terms earlier in this book would be great so the newby readers like me are ready for this sequence. "Did they not have a tram line?" This seems like a very abrupt change in tone and topic for her. It would seem like moments after being possessed and nearly forced to kill her boyfriend she's speculating on architecture. Maybe another character could introduce the topic change to break the tension? Around 50% mark: wood is an organic material "But I have brought you two of our species..." Species seems a very impersonal term to use here. Since she defines them as being of their 'Kind' (I like this term and use it myself for types of Aliens) in the next sentence, maybe she could identify them as 'young people' 'sibblings' or another warm term on initial introductions. Near the end: "That if you are certain..." grammatically "Then, if you are certain..." works better I think. That's it for me! Thank you for sharing, I feel like the story is really gaining traction in this chapter and it was fun to read.

Sorry, I haven't gotten the chapter via email.

This was a fun chapter to read. Just a couple small things I caught: First paragraph feels out of tone with the rest of the chapter, maybe it was a warm up? Nothing technically wrong with it, but the flow starts paragraph two. I can't put my finger on why, sorry. About 50%: "I choose to beleive that the OM's controll extends to the" the statements around this sentence and the context suggest that Q chooses to beleive that OM's control doesn't include government agencies. "But there were be no more pictures of the couple" 'there would be', or 'there were to be' About 70% "I'm sorry but I had to ask. Needs closing parentheses. Plot question: does the current android have memories of his predecessor? If not, there might be a continuity issue with why he remembers a plumber at the convent. I wasn't here for the first book so maybe this was explained. That's all I've got. Looking forward to the next chapter.

@Mandamon Thank you for your critique. I appriciate the depth you went to. Clarity is something that I need to work on. I tend to waffle between over explaining and under explaining, and feedback helps me find a balance.

Jumping in as a new reader to your works so please forgive my ignorance. The first paragraph is hyper dense with story specific names and terms. Having read the summary in the beginning I was ready for it. For someone who happened to pick up this book though it would be a little brain melting trying to sort it all out. I would love to have a clearer view of the setting for the first scene. I feel like this location should be familiar to me because the characters know it, but starting from scratch I don't have a reference for what this room/chamber/auditorium is like. About page two, paragraph first sentence: "He looked E and I" unless this is story specific grammer it seems like you need a 'to' or 'at' here Next paragraph: 'the E ambassador of it's people' I think you can skip the qualifier here. 'The E ambassador' is a bit clearer. I agree that some action to work in the introductory exposition would be great here. There is a lot of info and dialogue to sift through right off the bat. If someone had just finnished your second book and picked up this one, I'm sure they would love jumping right back in. Starting cold though, I feel like I'm missing a warm up and introductions. Reading this chapter feels like I am about to follow some interesting people through an epic adventure! Your worlds feel rich and well thought out in your summery, I look forward to seeing your characters move through them. Sarah B.

Sounds good! I could use some editing help I'm sure.

Hello All! This is a short story I've been agonizing over and I welcome your feedback. It's scifi short story, stand alone, with creature feature emements. I don't think it needs much of a content warning but I'll put a mild violence warning just in case. Nothing graphic. I really near to bring this story down another 700 words in order to submit it where I would like to. Any ideas and tips on where to cut the fat would be greatly appriciated. I've carved off over 1,000 words already (I overwrote the crap out of it apparently) but need to find a few more places to cut. In addition, other critiques welcome. What did you like? Not like? What's boring? What's confusing? Where am I asking too much of the reader? Typo and spelling checks always welcome This is my first submission to the group and I look forward to your feedback! Sarah B.

Just a couple minor things: Near the 50% mark; 'the moon would betray than' needs to be changed to 'them' Roll neck sweater: I've never heard this term, is this a turtle neck? Maybe my lack of fashion is showing :-) Near 70%: one sentence paragraph with a plural and tense issue. "E, on one knees next to him, lowering her shotgun." Just needs to change to 'knee' and 'lowered' to match the tense use before and after. Not sure how to abbreviate his name so Mr. Robot sometimes called Q mister and sometimes just Q in this chapter. I'm not sure if this was intentional but it doesn't seem to follow a pattern. Also, I kind of like death sparkles. It doesnt match the other names in tone at all, but especially if they have some element to them that includes electricity or other sparkle element I'll buy it. Thanks for sharing! Sarah B.

Hi, Newbie here! I didn't see many mistakes. Page one: 'stride my gaze up' perhaps 'slide' or 'pull' instead? I liked the reveile of the ventriloquist at the end. I don't see a character arc either, it would be pretty hard to fit one in three + pages though. The only apparent fault your character has is a dismal outlook and the lack of speech. If your mc is a ventriloquist they aren't actually mute but are perhaps afraid to speak as themselves? This could use some clarification. There doesnt seem to be a real change in their outlook by the end. Momentary joy can be felt by someone who is still depressed. Overall I enjoyed your flash fiction, thanks for sharing.