Sarah B

Just a couple minor things: Near the 50% mark; 'the moon would betray than' needs to be changed to 'them' Roll neck sweater: I've never heard this term, is this a turtle neck? Maybe my lack of fashion is showing :-) Near 70%: one sentence paragraph with a plural and tense issue. "E, on one knees next to him, lowering her shotgun." Just needs to change to 'knee' and 'lowered' to match the tense use before and after. Not sure how to abbreviate his name so Mr. Robot sometimes called Q mister and sometimes just Q in this chapter. I'm not sure if this was intentional but it doesn't seem to follow a pattern. Also, I kind of like death sparkles. It doesnt match the other names in tone at all, but especially if they have some element to them that includes electricity or other sparkle element I'll buy it. Thanks for sharing! Sarah B.

Hi, Newbie here! I didn't see many mistakes. Page one: 'stride my gaze up' perhaps 'slide' or 'pull' instead? I liked the reveile of the ventriloquist at the end. I don't see a character arc either, it would be pretty hard to fit one in three + pages though. The only apparent fault your character has is a dismal outlook and the lack of speech. If your mc is a ventriloquist they aren't actually mute but are perhaps afraid to speak as themselves? This could use some clarification. There doesnt seem to be a real change in their outlook by the end. Momentary joy can be felt by someone who is still depressed. Overall I enjoyed your flash fiction, thanks for sharing.

Thank you! I look forward to your feedback.

If you do post, please let me know! Thank you

@GoWibble @TheTraveler The genre of this story is scifi with an oldschool creature feature/suspense slant. I love the scifi classics like The Island of Doctor Morou, Doctor Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein, the Invisible Man and The Time Machine that were considered Horror in their time but seem a lot closer to psychological thrillers and suspense now. I'm nowhere near that skill level, but those are some of my influences. Something to aim for right? I'm new to the Reading Excuses system but I thought the story submissions are emailed to participants. Should I tag your name on the critique thread @TheTraveler?

Thank you both! From reading the guidelines I think it's prefered that I take a back seat for a week or two before submitting anything, but after that I hope to start submitting short fiction for critique. Hopefully I'll be able to put up the story I've been working on, "Deep Woods" sometime in the near future. I look forward to reading your works and critiques! @Honorless @TheTraveler

A more distant 3rd person might let you cover more ground if you're comfortable with that rather than 1st person, ie: The hatchling struggled on weak legs and mottled fluff wings to the edge of the safe place. He squinted in the harsh light from the outside, where is mother?

Hello! I'm Sarah B I started listening to writing excuses two months ago and 9 seasons and 1 NaNoWriMo later I would love to get some peer feedback. I have been a hobbyist writer for years but have leaned on friends and family as alpha and beta readers in the past. I think getting feedback from fellow writers who don't know my ideas and old stories is a great oppertunity. I read and write scifi primarily, short and long fiction. In terms of expertise, I am a registered nurse and am happy to help out with plausibility and terminology checking for medical/first aid scenes. I'm also happy to help brainstorm in Biology, psychology and nerdism in general. Sarah B

And then there's the dice roll. If your story is seeming too familiar, you can always choose a random abandoned element and force yourself to make it work as an agent of chaos to freshen up your concept

Medically speaking, a hangover is primarily severe dehydration if you're also writing your character the morning after. The symptoms of dizziness, nausea, and light sensitivity are mostly caused by the lack of water and electrolytes caused by the diuretic quality of the alchohol. The cheaper the booze, the more the additives, the worse the hangover. I hope this helps!

I hope not, I powered through 9 seasons in two months and I'm already bummed about having to slow down so I don't catch all the way up too soon :-)