Sarah B

Very well written chapter! My only sticking point is that the tone of the first couple paragraphs felt like a 'time passes' cue to me so I was supprised when it continued with the same day as the previous chapter. I'm not sure what in the phrasing gave me that impression that this was a summery of the next several days, or if was just my assumption that a time skip would happen next. I liked her time to think on the beach. I acutally wouldn't have minded a longer catch up with where her head is at this point and what she plans to do. Looking forward to the next chapter!

So the truth is out! I was so glad that you address who the first unicorn was and that it was revealed without a huge revelation scene. The clues were there and we were expecting it so the reveal was satisfying but not overdone. The "decay" line also left me a little confused. More good P parts, she is quickly becoming my favorite character. However, writer instinct has me concerned for her future safety since she is a mentor in a fantasy story :-) Some of the description words for the BK sound more like infatuation than fear coming from I. She thinks of him in very complimentary terms for the most part which seemed strange to me. Looking forward to the next chapter! And thank you for giving me something to read, I guess it's a slow week for Reading Excuses :-)

Has anyone read about Brandon Sanderson's kickstarter for a leather bound, 'Way of Kings'? It's setting records and already in the multi-millions. Joanne Penn, on the Creative Penn podcast, referred to it as an excellent reason to hold on to some of your story rights if you traditionally publish. In Brandon's case, the rights to special editions.

A fun read overall! It's already been commented on but the imagery was really nice. I also liked the other sensory information, textures and smells, that added depth. I felt a little lost in the beginning and the end. The beginning seems to include much more information than I needed to enjoy the story. At the end, I wasn't sure what the MC meant by children, or who was doing the killing or why. This left me uncertain of the point of the story. I do also agree that three POV's might be too much for a story of this length, but that can be a preference thing. Still very pleasant, thanks for sharing.

Congrats on being ready to submit another book! I only caught a couple things: In the paragraph starting, "Junk J smelled like sawdust..." there is an extra space before Mx. R. Next paragraph: "With his long black fur..." given the genre I was thinking G was some sort of strange creature until I got to 'dog'. I enjoyed the first 3/4 of the story a lot, especially the details and tone you establish. The suspense in the Maniquin room was great, but after that the story suddenly felt rushed over with many elements thrown in at the last minute. I don't know why, but the chest flying realy stuck out to me. This isn't a genre I am familiar with though, so my 'ear' for it might be off. Well done!

I liked the revised chapter 9 much better! The end of chapter 10 felt more like a cliff hanger then an ending though. Telepathy: someone already suggested differentiating telepathy text from the rest. One way I've done this in the past is to use < > for telepathic speaking instead of quotations. I lifted it from other scifi authors :-) I like the brackets because it let's me keep italics for internal thoughts or other uses. Looking forward to the next chapter(s), happy writing!

I enjoyed the new POV and overall liked the chapter. I thought the shift in confidence between dealing with other people and dealing with her father made sense. The relationship between the abusive and abused isn't rational, very intelligent and competent people can be made to beleive that they should be subservient to an abuser that seems like they should have no hold on them. I am assuming that's the nature of the father/daughter relationship here, I could be misreading the situation. The pacing felt rushed to me, I would have liked more of the setting and atmosphere folded in, to get a sense of where things are happening, sights, smells, etc. Looking forward to reading more, happy writing!

I liked how this section read overall. I can see why you wanted to use P's POV since it adds some depth to her character and gives us a chance to see the kitchen from a broader perspective with IR's reaction to it. I also had a hard time with the animals roasting animals although I think it could work. It's a bit creepy, so there is always to option to lean into it. This was amplified by the reference that the firepit was 'big enough for to pem to stand in' and left me thinking I bet she would fit on the roasting spit too if they like beef. Maybe only preditor animals work in kitchens, not by law but by preference? I can't imagine happily cooking another human for people to eat, regardless of if they had been sentient before death. Especially if there is no difference to anatomy between civilized and uncivilized. There were a few sentences that wander a bit. The one that caught my attention in particular was, "Ir felt a deep shade of loneliness...". Phrases such as 'nearly' and 'almost' and 'like' tend to weaken whatever statement they are attatched to. Leaning on those words is something that I struggle with as well, probably why I notice them :-) If you decide to keep the P POV (it sounds like from the introduction you may not), a page break afterwards would be good to signal the change. Looking forward to the next chapter, happy writing!

Awesome thank you!

Thank you. I've always imagined I would go traditional publishing but the closer I look into some of the realities and horror stories I'm wondering if that is the right call for me. On the other hand, the more I research self publishing the more tasks and details I realize fall to the author. It seems like self publishing requires a ton of organization, multi tasking, and outsourcing to skilled specialists (and therefore monetary investment). The degree of control and the potential rewards are very tempting though. I supose everyone struggles with this at one time or another. I'm wrapping up the first book I've written that feels like it may be 'something' so that has the gears turning wondering what to do with it once it's all shiney and finnished. I'm sorry I'm going to miss your pannels at world con! I work those nights but I was really interested to hear the pannel on self publishing you mentioned.

Has anyone had to wrangle their own cover art? Any tips? I am looking into/thinking about self publishing.

Every sailor or boater that I know (myself included) is obsessed with the weather. When is the wind coming? How fast will it be? From where? What is the barometer doing? I find myself checking my barometer, the temperature, my storm glass, and google weather more than daily even if I have no plans to go out. Storm glasses are very cool, in my humble opinion, and I have seen mine out predict the weatherman more than once. It's also just fun watching the crystals form :-) they are very old tech and better at predicting general changes than precise times. A storm glass must be calibrated by leaving it near where you want to predict and then making sure nothing desturbs it or the crystal's won't form. Also, frequent boaters are very aware of the tides. High tide is a great time to be heading back to harbor. Slack tide (the time the water moves the least) is best for going through tight channels where the tide is amplified, especially if you're sailing. Low tide is dangerous if you're near shore, especially if its unfamiliar because obsticals like rocks, shelves, and sunken logs will be closer to the surface than usual. Sails that have salt water on them, and are left in the sun for prolonged periods break down faster. Many cruisers/ocean crossers have a custom of washing down their sails, drying them and storing them away to prolong their life. Sails also need to fit the geometry of the boat within a very narrow margin if you want them to perform their best. Often serious sailors will have sails made for their boat specifically. They are often then stored in canvas bags with the name of the vessel and the year the sails were made printed on the bag. The bag must be the same or nearly the same material as the sail to prevent wear. Good sails are slick in texture and very stiff, any sail that folds easily or is nice to lay on is near death. I'm not sure what the sealife is like in your world, but harbor seals, porpoises and diving birds tend to get curious when sailboats are on the move and often pop up to see what the fuss is. The harbor seals in my area are sometimes called SeaPuppies because of the way they play around boats and get curious about any new sound or people. Unconfirmed, but I swear there's a seal in particular that watches me who used to sleep near my boat when he was a pup. I named him Ollie. That's probably more than you wanted. I hope something sparks an idea or proves useful!

Much the same as above with a few small additions; A out 2/3 through; "But then he looked at R again, he got that war feeling..." Warm feeling I think. But now that I've read it I would love to read about a character who gets that 'war feeling' looking at someone :-) J/L; Al is rendered to as J's father, but I think this is his cover name, so wouldn't Al be L's father? Not 100% here put pointing it out just in case. Honestly I had to re read a lot to keep track of so many new names in the 3rd chapter. It feels like an abrupt time skip between R leaving, L and A's conversation, and then R is there. Reading it feels like all this has happened in minutes. "Three people people in grey jumpsuits..." this feels like a new paragraph. I like the sense of intrigue in these chapters, but I am having a hard time tracking what's going on and don't have a strong attachment to any side yet. Again, it feels like your characters are rounded people, I would love to see each of them longer so I can get to know them :-)

Glad to get to read another chapter from this story! One small line edit I caught that I don't think has been mentioned already is near the end, "No trying is the same as giving up. "Not trying" Boat stuff: (this is going to be long, sorry) I am going to precurse this by saying that while boats are a big part of my life, I am not an expert. I live on a sailboat, my neighbors are all sailors, ex navy, harbor workers, etc. My father grew up fixing and working on boats. I only say this so you know my perspective may not be academically accurate and is regional. The dinghy: I had to look up what a dinghy technically is because the usage for a small recreational sailboat is not what I am familiar with. To my experience, a dinghy is a small open boat which is usually motor or man powered that is used to travel to and from a larger boat, or hauled along as a lifeboat for emergencies (16 feet is big for a dinghy. Twelve feet is the longest I've run into.) 16 feet is also very small for three adults if it is a wooden sailboat. You could fit 8 adults easily in an inflatable raft that size, but the narrowness of a sailboat and the space occupied by the mast, lines and boom would be an awkward ride for three people in my opinion. The capsizing: As I understood the events, I's sister drops the Jibsheet and this causes the boat to flip. I don't understand why that would happen. Dropping the jibsheet would let it go loose, you would lose propulsion and maybe some fine control but unless they were sailing in some very serious weather that shouldn't have had a dramatic effect or caused the boom to swing if Ir still had control of the mainsheet. Since the mainsail is attached to the boom, and I think you had Ir also controlling the tiller, she would have maintained control of the sailboat. You can sail with no jib or any head sail at all. Feel free to disregard but you might consider changing the type of boat from a dinghy to a small sloop, maybe 24 feet. That gives you the same two sails, plenty of room for 3, and a cabin to keep the boat buoyant. False statement alert! I have to call BS on myself for this comment: "I don't understand how the flipping maneuver worked, but I have never been on a sailboat that small." And the explaination that followed. After talking to one of my neighbors about it, this totally would work. They claim to have seen a 14 year old flip a racing sailboat on their own using a similar method followed by bailing. Well, please excuse me as I wipe egg off of my face :-) The boom swinging: usually the boom would be attached to two different lines, one in each direction and either running through a pulley and then to a cleat on the deck or just to a cleat. These lines are locked around their cleat when you are not switching directions to prevent an unplanned boom swing, it takes less than a minute to loosen or secure a line around a cleat. People are thrown into the water, receive head injuries and have died from an uncontrolled boom. To not secure these lines, especially with someone else on the boat would be deeply irresponsible and is usually the mark of someone who is overconfident, inexperienced or both. Sorry, this is a bit of a soap box from seeing it a hundred times in movies as a 'haha' moment. Ropes: I captured this from a website that has a nice breakdown of terms for lines and sheets on a sailboat since it explains better than I could: "Ropes or wires that control the sails are known collectively as running rigging or lines. Those that raise sails are called halyards while those that strike them are called downhauls. Ropes that adjust (trim) the sails are called sheets. These are often referred to using the name of the sail they control (eg. "main sheet", or "jib sheet")." I'm done now, honest! And please let me say again that this is not definitive information, just what I have seen and beleive to be true. I love reading about sailing in books, I'm glad you decided to include it. This chapter added more to the family history for me, anchoring (Haha, sorry) their family trade to the world. one last small note: the last line did not makes sense to me "I hope so." I understand the dramatic moment of her needing the current monarchy to stay in place dispite the terrible things that may happen, that is clear, but the phrasing didn't quite land for me between the question and answer. a pleasure to read, as always!

@Turin Turambar Sounds good. Sure, send it on over. Fair warning, I have not read very much epic fantasy so I am not familiar with the usual tropes and rhythms. If you don't mind an outsider's perspective I'll willing to give it a go. @shatteredsmooth Yes, I am still willing to alpha read your short story. I look forward to seeing it. I would love your input but I am still in the process of finishing up my project's first draft and, given that I discovery wrote about half, it will need to be a second draft before it makes any sense. Thank you though! Do I need to PM both of you my email or do you have it from the submission group? I haven't done an alpha read with this group yet so I don't know the procedure.

Hi @Turin Turambar Sounds interesting. I have a few questions: Do you mind if I ask what genre and style of story it is? Also, when do you need feedback by? Are you looking for general impressions, a list of issues or a different kind of feedback? Congratulations by the way! Finishing a novel is no small feat.

Off topic but perhaps relevant, I have been hunting Con news to see what is happening this year: Gen Con is online and FREE this year for anyone who wants to register. World con will also be online, not free though.

Late to the party again! I just wanted to add something to the 'said' vs creative dialogue tag conversation. 'Said' is invisible to read but can get obnoxious in audiobook form. I've heard that some authors make an audiobook revision for that and other reasons (ie data lists, series of numbers).

@shatteredsmooth If you're still looking for readers I'd be happy to give it a go. I just noticed this thread again after forgetting it existed so I'm late to the party :-)

I am very much on the amateur side of things but also a big fan of Brandon Sanderson's lectures on youtube :-) I took the description of emotional beats to be something like stepping stones along a path. In the podcast they discussed (I think season 13) about progressions of character change, something like; denial, considering, accepting, acting on change. Here the moment where each step occurs would be an emotional beat if its internal and a plot beat if it's mainly external. Or both if you do it right. That's how I've been using that piece of advice anyways :-) I don't tend to write very emotive characters so most of my emotional beats are burried in POV thought stream and decision making.

@Mandamon Thank you! I'm a ways off from actually publishing still but I want to start researching and learning the ropes now so I am familiar when it's time. I still have a few chapters and then massive editing to do but it seemed like knowing how to edit to suit the program would be a good idea. I keep seeing scrivner listed amoung the best epublishers and they have a ton of advertising on different podcasts, nanowrimo, etc. I haven't been tempted so far because I write on my phone with a Bluetooth keyboard most days. Can I ask if you have tried scrivner and/or what you didn't like about it? If not, no worries! Thanks again!

Awesome! Thank you! I've heard good things about Vellum but it's not PC compatable and costs quite a bit.

This might be off topic for this thread but does anyone have an epub publishing/formatting program that they use and like? Preferably that works with windows?

A pleasant read but a bit confusing. I took this story as a 'big fish' or labyrinth type where the supernatural elements were stand ins for the issues and themes of real life. 'We can all bit a troll sometimes' seemed like the explaination for why her tantrum let her to a troll. It felt like there was something about the repeated elements of 'colors' and 'story' and particularly the story being a leaf. I felt like I was missing the pay off for them. The line: "Smooth rock slipped between her fingers." Did not explain to me how she fell, I assumed after reading further that her land slipped on the rock when she tried to sit down. I did not understand why the Troll would present as a busybody who threatens with child services. It seems like an odd departure for a person/troll who wasn't using full sentences for most of the story. Overall the story had a very nice dream like quality to it. I liked the warm visuals and your characters.

I really liked how quickly you set the context and genre of the story in the 1st chapter. The reader knows that this is scifi, possibly military scifi, set inter-solar system. I did find the prologue a bit confusing, mainly the lack of viewpoint character name combined with another 'her' made it hard to tell who was who. I wasn't sure if the MC had stabbed herself or someone else. Also in sentences like, "... when she closed her eyes, she would see her..." Your characters very personable and vivid right off the bat, which is no easy feat! I liked both viewpoint versions on their own, but I agree that you need one or the other. I got a bit of 'groundhog's day sydrome' realizing I was seeing the same time frame twice. Using one sister to introduce the other was a nice touch and I could easily see switching viewpoints to the other sister and picking up where the other leaves off. You might consider imbeding the information in a sentence rather than parenthesis to avoid breaking the narrative. Ie, "...Graduate of the University of Venus Vulcan, one of the underground cities, with..." but that's just a preference thing. :-) Over all I enjoyed it, thanks for sharing!