Sarah B

Much improved! I love the clear direction your characters are moving now and also enjoyed the details of the city and architecture worked in at the dinner. Oddly enough, tangy lactose sauce made me think tzatziki sauce or plain yogurt in vegetable curry and I was good with it. :-) A few notes: Two places where there are doubled up words or phrases. Paragraph one has 2 'sort of' and paragraph 8 has 'ready' twice one line apart. The sentence starting "His back rubs were stronger" this sentence wanders around. Might be clearer as two or three shorter sentences. Just an asside; did you intentionally remind readers that I and E refer to each other as siblings right before they get into a hammock with S? Seems like odd timing. This was probably all worked out and discussed in previous books but to a newby it stands out. As a new reader, I'm still not 100% what I and E are to eachother. They refer to each other as both siblings and instances. It seems like instances are either parallel world versions of the same person or some sort of diad / two halves of a coin relationship. Sorry if this is obvious and I missed it. It feels like you've covered a lot more ground in this chapter than in the previous version, and the length of it flies by because it reads easily. Thanks for sharing

A bit of work to keep who is who straight reading this chapter but overall really good. You've definetly bumped up the tension in this version. A few things: Probably because I'm a new reader and R is an unfamiliar character, but in the first paragraph: "As R raided a shaking hand.... . The assassin's killed her." For a long moment I thought you killed off your viewpoint character in the third sentence. "Me, I" it seems like one of the other main characters from the last chapter has a very similar speach pattern. Near 50%: "do they have hearts?" I don't know how deep you want to go with this but this expression works on the association with the metaphoric heart for emotion and compassion vs the literal organ. I only bring it up because it seems you have gone to great pains to not use human turns of phrase and terms (ie minutes, weeks) in other places in your book. Thanks for sharing!

I think this could work. It would give M a better reason to shoot. The story would really need to double down on why he wants Q to be the one kill him though. And show his disapointment in the compromise of getting M to do it instead. It seems like you could really give a great emotional payoff with the idea you outlined. :-)

So sorry! I think editing was enabled on the document for this chapter. I didn't notice until after I had left highlights and embeded comments as I read. I think I got rid of everything but my sincere apologies if something was left behind! I find myself liking R in this version, the increased reactions in the internal dialogue helped me get a better sense of this character. I'm not sure I see how the 'splitting' part of the chapter name applies in the rewrite. A few things that caught my attention: "Her back tensed..." I really liked this part. In the Pixie death count off: I really liked this scene as a whole. The description that, "the two disappeared" had me initially assuming this was the hurt Pixie and the Pixie helping which left me thinking four pixies had died. Minor point of confusion, I reread it and sorted out that it was an E and a Pixie. About 2/3 thru, when R is thinking about O. "She found she wanted as much more time..." this sentence feels a bit garbled. "The E, he had a light touch, but if us...." This sentence seems a little turned around . Near 80%: "HD is with us as well..." This stopped me for a moment. R must mean in purpose right? Because I think HD is healing at home at this point. I enjoyed the revised version of this chapter, great work! Thanks for sharing

Not much to add I'm afraid. I agree that this chapter is a bit jarring but since it has to be the reintroduction for this group of characters in a new book that may be inevitable. My only catch not previously mentioned is 2/3 in, the sentence starting, "My apprentice...." the comma and then 'he' seems redundant. Thanks for sharing!

This might be a terrible idea but I'll mention it anyways: Could N hijack Ei's android body? Maybe just an aside when they go to the sheriff's office that their Android ran off. Then later they get a call from Ei? Feel free to ignor :-)

Wow. Great pay off! The only think I caught is Q's name is typed as Quack right after the first page break. My only frustration was the reminder of Ei the android. He/it was so prominent in the beginning and then disappeares at the sherif's office to maybe return later. I was waiting for him to show up in some form, and then I forgot about him entirely. The fact that he doesn't come back or play onto the story but is brought up multiple times at the end feels like foreshadowing that doesn't pan out. I do like the new android though, as a fittingly strange female roll model for M. So many cute Q and M lines, borderline sappy but I'm good with it because they've earned it :-) Glad to read it, but sad to see it end. Thanks for sharing!

Great sub! Most of my issues with last week were resolved with the second half this week. I really enjoyed the movement and pacing if this chapter as a whole. I agree with @industrialistDragon that the creepy factor could be dialed up for more impact. Your monsters have a great unstoppable and (nearly) industructable quality. The famous movie monster the Blob was terrifying even moving at a fraction of your monster's speed because of those qualities. See also: Doctor Who episodes 'heaven sent' and 'hell bent', SG-1's replicators, and many other great monsters. I think you have made great nightmare material if you decide to show it off. Canon hypothetical question: sorry if you've already covered this, but could someone save themselves by removing the part the Es have attached to before they dissolve? Understandable if you want to avoid that level of gore but it might be a way to up the emotional impact of the Es. My only real editing thought is that a few of the sentences have embedded thoughts that make the overall statement feel clunky. Ie: paragraph #22 the sentence starting, "Aside from the six speakers..." This may well just be my preferences though. Thanks for sharing!

Happy and sad to read the end. Very clearly giving readers some resolution and 'falling action'. I like the ominous hint of N coming back Lawn Mower Man style :-) A couple things I caught: Paragraph 4: the actions are a bit confusing here, I'm not sure what is happening to M. Rescue has been a major element in the story, it would be nice to see some more resolution for the rescued. Also It feels like T having something to do with making N what he was/is was a big revelation that got lost in the shuffle. Unless perhaps its foreshadowing for the next story... Thanks for sharing!

Great chapter! I liked the sense of danger and motion alot. I agree with @kais that the emotional impact seems missing, unless this VP character has a cold nature and primarily sees other people as chess pieces. For me there wasn't a strong sense of what was happening at the end. I wasn't sure if this was them running and hiding, or if this was an altered rout to accomplish something they needed to do. Thanks for sharing!

Things are really wrapping up! A few small things; Around 20%: between "the thing rasped" and "a healthy" a parenthesis is missing. N's appearance: it seems strange that he would show up to his finest hour naked, especially as someone who seems to hate his own appearance. For most people, being naked in public would be a vulnerable feeling. Even if he had no clothes as an experiment, it seems like if he wanted them he would take them off of anyone he chose, living or dead. The description of his body didn't quite connect for me on a visceral level. The visual of a malformed monster is clear but it feels like too many facts. I really liked Q making the leap of logic that N had some failsafes installed. The OM seems like the type who wouldn't give that kind of power to someone without being able to control them so this rings true. The hero death felt a little hollow to me. Even a couple more sentences of reaction or acknowledgement might deepen the impact. Right now it just feels like he's been brushed aside. Feels like you're building towards a satisfying ending, I can't wait to see how it all works out. :-) Thanks for sharing

This draft is so much clearer! I am really enjoying your rewrite. My only comment is that ending the chapter with "we'll stay here a few days" feels like an invitation to put down the book. There doesnt seem to be a tie to a crisis at hand or a burning question to pull the reader forward. The selective details in your descriptions add depth to the world and the people. I feel like I am being given a tour. Well done Thanks for sharing

Welcome! I'm a newcomer as well, great to have you. You did nice work in character introductions. I came away with a strong sense of 5 characters which is commendable in one chapter! The tone and feel of the story wobbled a bit at first but stabilized midway through. It seems like you might be a multi-drafter feeling your way through the world. No harm in that :-) Thanks for sharing!

Love the chapter overall! The double loss of the raptors and a satisfying DM faceoff stung a bit but I consider the interpersonal payoff between Q and M a good bribe to forget that :-) A couple little things: The elevator controls. Its a deeply illogical hangup, please feel free to ignor, but while I have no problem accepting a world with interstellar travel, GMO dinosaurs, and androids Q canceling floor 5 and going to 6 without the elevator stopping at 5 anyways left me baffled. There are probably elevators today that can do this, I've just never encountered them. I have no idea why this stopped me dead, but it did. It is likely no one else will have this problem. Near 50%: "Still they sought these..." typo I think, "sought the" Next sentence: However and but in the same sentence slows the pacing here a bit. "E slapped into the wall" Great phrase. "Guide bars." Not sure what these are. Maybe like hand rails? Last line: a bit cringe worthy but if N showed an unintentionally cheesy nature before I could see it being in character. It's the kind of thing someone might practice saying in the mirror while they imagine their plan, especially if they were trying to sound tough and were maybe a bit sheltered. That's how N reads to me here, he's having his Diva moment. Looking forward to the next chapter and the conclusion. Thanks for sharing

Hi! I'm late to the party so not much to add :-) Instances: This concept is much clearer in the new draft but still a bit confusing to a first book reader. This is especially so when I and E refer to each other as both siblings and other instances. I know exposition is a dirty word in modern concept fiction, but since this is a core concept to the story it would be nice to have a firm definition. Along the same lines, E's abduction is clear, but the details and 'absorbing' that took place seem pivital to where her character and the story are going. Especially with her inner battle, I feel like I should be worried for her. Instead I'm trying to figure out what I missed. This might be a, 'you snooze you lose' moment for having missed the earlier books that isn't avoidable without sacrificing pace though. P.s. my memory is pretty terrible for remembering what I have and haven't said. Sorry if these are repeat comments from before! Near 50% mark, "E was reminded of when..." this sentence feels forced. I can tell you put effort into making it clear but it feels awkwardly precise. I enjoyed this draft much more! I think largely due to increased showing of the world and faster pacing. Thanks for sharing

Loved this chapter! Hurrah! Also, please don't skip next week :-) The only thing I caught that hasn't been mentioned, is from the MT vs Raptors. There is a line that the MTs didn't "get anywhere near" the Raptors, not technically true if the raptors are tearing them apart. Thanks for sharing!

That would be good. Fire is also used in many areas to fertilize land so that new young plants can grow. Fields intentionally burned each season to make way for the next generation of crops. Since fire is a strong image in your story and the old ruling class is planning on handing down their power, you might play to something along those lines also. Or the word 'torch' refers both to literally setting something on fire and figuratively a legacy or authority (ie:passing the torch) Just brainstorming, feel free to disregard :-)

I had a couple issues starting, but really enjoyed the story as a whole. I love short stories that give you a whole world in one sitting! A couple quick notes; Deathless seems to be a formal title, maybe it should be capitalized? P's visual perspective is a bit confusing to start. He is looking East but sees the car to the West. He's at the foot of the hotel but can see the horizon and the rooftops of the village. I understand from later in the story that the 'reversed sunset' glowing in the East is the fire, but at first read this sounded like it might just be an odd Sunrise. Since they got a title mention, I was expecting the foxes to be more involved in the plot or theme. They might have been a metaphor I just missed though. It was a pleasure reading your story! Thanks for sharing

Much improved! Chapter 1 is more welcoming to a new reader this time around. A few small notes: Paragraph 6, last sentence: ", stronger" might rephrase to "and stronger for it." For more impact. Around 25%: "the being stamped..." THE has an extra space in it. Around 40%: paragraph starting "If they went..." the last sentence seems to have plural issues. I think themself would need to be themselves. Thanks for sharing!

Feels like the story is really rolling and then slows back down. I liked the action segments alot. The reprise and regrouping afterwards seemed to last longer as a reader than the events of the chapter though. The ground of their relationship and concerns was covered so recently I wonder if you couldn't shorten the last third and time skip to the next event. I agree that seeing E catch S would have been fun. I wonder how the physics of a flying animal's weight suddenly doubling + momentum would work out. I am fine with skipping the their trip back through the wall. To a first time reader though, it seems contradictory that S can take E back through the wall but later says he couldn't make the trip like he did with either I or E. Didn't he just do that? Perhaps (likely) I missed something but that jumps out as a possible continuity issue. Thanks for sharing

Fun chapter! Alot of little lines and moments that I enjoyed as well. "She'd teach him sometime." I like M's little asides, particularly this one. About 25% Her eyebrows launched..." its been a while since a 'her' has been mentioned at this point. Might be good to identify M instead of her. I also like the raptor controls. Chris Pratt would be jealous of that app. About 50%: left at 43: this is just a preference probably, but if 43 is a highway or logging road etc "on the 43" sounds better to my ear. If it's a mile/km marker 'at' makes sense but I would like to know what 43 is. "F-ing all the chocolate..." this phrasing makes sense for M, but you might turn it around to "All the F-ing chocolate...." the current word order makes it sounds like she might want permission to violate all the chocolate and puppies and a pony. Or maybe she did that on purpose. It just caught my eye. Thanks for sharing!

Very eventful chapter! This is the first time I'm really seeing some personality from I as a new reader of your books. It was nice to get a better sense of him. As I go; When E is shape shifting: "a snail grew" a whole snail or a snail shell? Around 50%: 'I think I was high ranking' paragraph. The font is the same as E's inner thoughts which was a bit confusing. Also, "the voice said" and other description are in the same font which seems like those words are also being said telepathically. Around 60%, while I is debating with himself: "He would be devistated." Is I talking about himself or S at this point? Since he last referred to S, the 'he' seems to refer to S, but context suggests I. Around 70% "vision warped" paragraph. I was a bit turned around in this paragraph. Starting with I's personal experience, I had assummed that the rest of the paragraph is also his experience and it was him being hijacked by 'black scaly hands' guy. This might be intentional, but I had to turn back and reread a few paragraphs to re-orient when I realized it was all memory. Thank's for sharing!

Agreed! Much better! The extra fine tuning made a big difference too. Just a few small things: 25%: Q wanted to 'grip K's muscular forearm' with the phrasing it sounds like Q is admiring his arms and wants to touch them, but given the context I don't think that's the intent. The snow squeaking on their shoes: does need the rephrasing that @Mandamon recommends, but I love the sensory description. Near 75% all ends converge on G... I like the work around you used here. It does feel convient and like a trap. Having Q acknowledge this let's me accept it and carry on. 'Hang a lantern on it' done well Agreed, on first read I thought the first mention had been edited out because I didn't notice it and had to go back to find it. Nice work on this chapter! Thanks for sharing

Liked the the build up of pace in this section, both literally and figuratively :-) A few things: 'This facet" and variations of this phrase are repeated frequently in places where the clarification doesn't seem nessicary. The flying Ls; I'm picturing a bird like thing from the phrasing around them but I wouldn't mind a deeper description since we spend so much time with them this section. Around 30% S reflecting on how much better he is with E and I. Great paragraph, but the last "than it" weakens the sentence 'they made him...' The movement descriptions were a bit disorienting towards the.end but I assume that's intentional for the situation. At this point, given that traveling is more difficult with I and E, it seems an odd decision to bring them, or that S's mentor wouldn't have resisted bringing them. E seems to be in danger of fulfilling a damsel roll with S continuing to reflect on her past captivity and her situation at the end of the section. This section left me ready for the next chapter, thanks for sharing!

I really liked the world building you included in this chapter, it helped give a deeper sense of the world. Two small things: Quite skilled: this seems odd coming from S who usually stays to plainer phrasing. 'More normal' stands out as strange. Perhaps just 'normal' or 'more typical' would flow better. Thanks for sharing!