Sarah B

Yay scifi! That is a very sneaky way to put in a prolog (interlude 1), I like it :-) It reminded me in some ways of "Fire Upon the Deep" I skimmed the roster to get the general idea, but I was really happy to see that there were only a handful of distinct characters introduced in the first chapter so that I could keep track of them. Ground/gravity sickness was a nice touch! This got my sympathy immediatly. Living on a boat, I get landsick sometimes when I first come on shore :-) M*** was a bit confusing to me at first. I started off thinking it was some sort of greeting or slang, but ended up on the right track that it must be a title. "The ship is generational ma'am..." This struck me as a bit maid and butler for two officials serving on the ship to discuss what kind of ship it is. I think the earlier mentions of generations and family lines made the setting clear, but I read a ton of scifi. For me, the second interlude was a little long. It definetly set up the suspense of what they are going to find and (as others mentioned) gives some really interesting hints. But I think maybe due to the vagueness of the descriptions, I caught myself wanting to skim at about 1/2 to 2/3 of interlude 2. I really liked the set up for the ship and the different types of crew on board. I would definetly keep reading! One point that I am hoping will be covered (I think someone else mentioned this) is why so many people need to be awake if they have effective cryogenics and I assume can also freeze embryos. Wouldn't it be more efficient resource wise to have a handful of.people rotate through active duty every few years? I'm sure there are reasons and you have worked it all out. Most books I've read choose one or the other, generation ships or cryogenics, so as a reader I am super curious to find out why they use both. Thanks for sharing! I'm looking foreward to the next part

1. I am fairly interested right off the bat. The story I'm expecting by the end of the first chapter and the story I was expecting at the beginning are not the same, but I would probably read either. 2. Overall the MC's dialogue seems age appropriate. The two lines that sounded more mature to me were at the beginning and the end "whatever comes next" and "of course I have." I like both fo these lines, but they sound more advanced to me than the rest of the MC's internal dialogue. 3. For me, I'd like some more world building hints early on. Until 'space steel' is mentioned, I'm picturing a boy in a small town with a lake and a duck as his best buddy. There's a bit of whiplash as a reader switching from that expectation to that small town being a colony on another world. I've read books that do that intentionally though, it's not nessicary a negative thing. 4. The Beowolf sounding title had me expecting some heavy fantasy elements. Aside from the title, I would anticipate a coming of age/sports story in a scifi setting where the MC has to deal with controlling his temper and possibly some culture shock/discrimination on earth when he goes to compete. Thanks for sharing!

For me, the overall mood was nostalgic and a bit eerie. I sympathize with J's initial nervousness and then her sense of betrayal at being deceived. Other critiques have already said the same, but I was waiting for the punch of those emotions. It's clear she loves A, but she seems to get over this big secret and her anxiety very quickly. As a reader, I was expecting to be tortured a bit before the happy ending. "A" comes across more clearly than J for me. Even when they aren't getting along, we only see positive things about A through J's eyes which makes her come off as somewhat idyllic. This might be intentional but it makes J seem a little worshipful of A, particularly with how quickly J forgives her. J clearing the road: I would be miffed if someone wanted me to do all the heavy lifting while they wrote a letter. J is probably a better person than I am though :-) It feels strange that J leaves A and the train after everything that just happened. As a reader, I am half expecting them to have disapeared later. The two pronouns slips I caught have already been mentioned. A couple small things: "The car's lean, and their peeling paint..." Would it be (cars') for plural possessive here? "J had to stay and write her proposal" wasn't A writing it? Thanks for sharing! Sarah B

Wow, that cover looks gorgeous Great to have you back! Its been pretty quiet. I think several regulars have been on a break from the forum. I also wrote 50,000 words of something for NaNoWriMo. I hesitate to even call it a draft zero, but it's better than a blank page right? :-) Looking foreward to your next sub!

Sorry I'm late! It seems like most points have already been covered: I agree that the arrival seems sudden and could use some build up. It's a pet peeve of mine when the main villain shows up in person to do something sketchy when they have henchmen that could accomplish the same task. I completely understand why its better if he's there, but I think some explaination of why he came (apparently alone?) would help. The romance element does seem the most solid. Side characters and plots seem to come and go but W's family and her developing a relationship with N feels the most cohesive and solid to me. I liked the repeated element of the flowers in the medow, calling back to w and n's initial meeting and the title. It was a nice nod to the fact that this is a pivotal moment in the story. My main thought on character is just that some of the voices could use some more developing so that they are more distinct from each other. W's family and N's voices are all distinct and clear. Some of the smaller roll characters seem to pick up W's voice and word choice. I think that is a late draft edit and not something most authors worry about until they are nearing a final draft though. To continue or not? One piece of advice that hear a lot from writing podcasts is that if you need to make a change in your story keep writing as though you've already gone back and changed it. Then you get to field test the changes and see how they work out. I can't speak from personal experience, but this makes sense to me. Of course, you know best what's best for your story Thanks for sharing

I have to say, this is my favorite chapter. The reveal of the village is a bit of a let down so far, but I feel like it is still a big pay off for the reader and for W who has worked hard to let the relationship progress to thos point. I agree on both points. It's nice to see N as less of a puppy in this chapter, and I like that W notices and appreciates this different aspect of his nature. 1st paragraph, second sentence gets a bit convoluted. "This person was descended" I may be wrong, but to my ear it's either "this person descended" or "this person was a decendent". Not much else to say. I liked how the dialogue flowed in this chapter and the transitions were effortless to follow. Well done!

That's fantastic news! Well done! My favorite by a large margin is the second option. The first would be my second choice. The last version didn't hold up to the others in my opinion, although the detail of why the skin darkening spray was being used was nice. A few details caught my attention. If you weren't looking for line by lines, please ignore: In Version #2: The first paragraph has a lot of comas, so in my head it read a little choppy. "Darkening of his skin" is in a slightly different font than the rest of the text. "I may have a job to do...": Q's thoughts later on are italicized, but these aren't. Unless he is speaking outloud? Again, well done! Please keep us posted on how it goes

1. My main points of confusion were: -trying to pin down how familiar W and B are. W seems very aware of B's behaviors and body language cues, but doesn't recognize her father. You mentioned before that B will be ret-conned into the story earlier, so maybe this will resolve itself. The conversation between W, B and B's dad read a little awkwardly to me. -Where do B and B's dad go? They both seem to just vanish after N shows up. 2. Its nice to see a teen relationship that isn't built around an easily resolved misunderstanding like many high school romance movies. I like that they talk things out rather than angsting. Side note: "What's going on D...? Was this nickname used before? It doesn't seem familiar Thanks for sharing!

I agree with the earlier critiques that the first page or so feels unnessicary. It reads like the "previously on..." start of an episode. I had a hard time with this chapter. It felt like the conversations went on a bit too long without anything happening in the present. The biggest event in the chapter happens 'off camera' which dulls the impact for me, especially since W's POV tends to be distant. B is getting interesting here. I am haveing a hard time telling her 'voice' from W's though. "Future assessment of boys I associate with" Has B always spoken formally like W? W definetly comes off as more sympathetic here than she has before. She's dealing with major life events and bearing up under them. Her apparent lack of interest in N's wellbeing threatens that somewhat, but seems to me in keeping with her character. B's apparent knowlege of serious danger directed at N seems strange. It makes her past behavior more confusing and it also seems like a strange time to bring it up. It feels like a lot from her all at once. But I did miss a lot in the middle, maybe this was set up already? Thanks for sharing

That is awesome, well done!

I missed a big chunk in the middle of this story, so I can't really speak to continuity or plot. I hope it's alright if I just note a few things that stood out to me: A few lines came off as a little awkward to read: "He smiled at me..." "I assumed that you were justified..." "Because it's not like I made a few silly..." Not wrong gramaticially (as far as I can tell) but a little sticky. "I almost succeeded" Nice line! "I can tell you're not attracted to her..." Ouch! I don't know if that was intentional, but that sounds harsh for N. In context it makes perfect sense, but the phrasing sounds like a barb directed at W since the reveal about E's sexuality doesn't come until later. I agree with @C_Vallion that the switch in conversation between W and N from pretty heavy relationship stuff to "what do you want to do now?" Seems fast. I'm missing a break of some sort between these modes. Terminal illness is a heavy topic to cover. It seems like you're handling it with care and depth, well done! Thanks for sharing!

I missed most of this story, which is a shame! It has a lot of charm and character. I can't pretend I knew what the last update with most of the characters was about, but then I didn't read enough to know them. The scene by scene character updates followed by the repetition of two nights camping out felt a little slow. I liked the sensory details and texture for thir first night out and your mention of the pressure on the MC. Perhaps the pacing was to give a sense of time passage? Nice closing line. Reminds me a bit of the "A Series of Unfortunet Events" series. Thanks for sharing!

A pleasant read as usual! A few things that caught me: W's dialogue with her mom reads a little formal and stilted for the situation. 1st sentence after the break is missing a subject. 2nd sentence after the break: double "early" reads awkwardly. "Hippie Forest Commune" this line made me pull back from the MC a bit further. "I don't think it's relevant information." This sounds more like W than A, but it seems like A is saying it. Overall my interest waned a bit in this chapter. I'm in it for the flowers more than the romance, but I say that as someone who never reads romance. Any romance, from classic to current, so that doesn't reflect on your writing in the slightest. I'm still in it to find out what is going on with N and those flowers! Thanks for sharing

Hello and welcome! I like the MC. Not rabidly, but I do like her. Particularly her zero drama tolerance. I want to see how her suborness plays out when she's up against something. The setting is creepy. I like the slow development of strangeness. It reminds me of "The Girl With All the Gifts" (book, not movie) in the sense of the adults all being in on it. If you'll forgive another comparisen, the tone of the setting reminds me a little of "The Lottery" the modern gothic short story in the sense of a mostly ordinary town where something is very dark and you don't know what it is yet. My interest waned a little by the time C was starting the fire, but picked up again when her father is described. I probably would keep reading, but I would be waiting to see what the main conflict is. A couple things that stood out to me: C is described as being smaller than her friends, but then GM is described as the smallest. If no one comes or goes, and it's small enough that there are only four children of school age in the whole town, that's not a very deep gene pool. If the curse has been going on for generations, that creates some issues. As the others said, your writing is very smooth and easy to follow, thanks for sharing!

@kais I hope everything goes well and we have you back soon!

Still loving the world building in this story. I do have to agree about the female character issue. For me, the main problem is that both female characters cater to the male characters around them with very little of their own motivations except to take care of everyone else. I like S, but she feels a bit needy with her eagerness to please C. S and the ship taking orders from the Captian doesn't bother me. Everyone on a ship takes orders from the captain, but how the female characters interact with everyone else becomes that much more important. "C had his doubts." Repleated line, multiples within a few paragraphs. "Thank you." C said. "I think." Read strangely to me. Maybe because "C said" interrupts the thought? "New guy" sounds modern The rope split into four: I think you mean visually it looked like it split into four? Litterally splitting even a large rope into four seems like a very bad idea. If you want to go nautical here, the four smaller ropes could be spliced onto themselves into loops and then shackled to the larger line. Or use tackle. Both were very old world and are still used. "A few buckets were scattered around the room, holding rolled up maps within them as well." (As well as what?) I was picturing barrels here, but I have to agree that this does not seem like a good long term storage plan for paper maps. Are they paper? Leather is another option. Maps were incredibly valuable, good maps decided battles. I can't imagine the aero pirates leaving a treasure like that. "The sky wasn't cloudy that day." POV shift I like the grumpy captain, the ship and I want to like S. C still feels a little blank to me. He feels so very much like "this is the hero" but I don't feel drawn to him. You brought up LOTR in earlier comments, to me C feels like Strider/Aragorn but without the danger and mystery when he was first introduced in Fellowship. I don't doubt for a minute that C will do the hero thing, in a heroic way. And right now there's nothing really in his way. Perhaps that's why I'm having a hard time connecting with him. He's not unlikable. Very ready to read about an airship battle! Here's hoping the peace talks go poorly :-) Thanks for sharing

@Silk Best wishes to you and your loved one! I hope everything goes well and that we have you back soon! No offence intended to your assistant :-)

Nice work leading the reader to the answer! Admittedly I got pretty lost in the tech/and explanations but dispite that just a little bit after you led me to "why don't they fly toward it then?" S does just that. That is some fine word craft, well done :-) I got a little bogged down in the "what is a planet" and cellulose explanations. It might be one of those things that is familiar shorthand for someone whose read the previous works but is hard to follow as a newby. "Kkk" I'm not sure what to picture when S is making this noise or how she does it without a voice. "...if the anomaly wasn't specific, without bodies." I thought it would just pull the cellulose from their bodies, does she mean if it wants any biological matter? Or just they will die? A bit confused here. Again, nice work! Thanks for sharing

Nice chapter! Seems like everything has been covered well already. I like B reflexively and the contrast that she gets to be the hero O is trying so hard to be. This is also the most I've liked O so far. One line struck me as hard to picture: while O was being carried and B waves her hand while still holding O in her arms, but it sounds like that has been resolved already. Thanks for sharing!

Late as usual, sorry! Does it feel like romance? Based on the relaxed pacing, focus on interpersonal relationships, and the included history of the ex I would assume this was either romance or drama. From this chapter, I wouldn't have assumed there were any paranormal elements to come, but that's not really my genre. Since the only motivation/ future action the MC speaks about is finding a new boyfriend, I would assume that's going to be the main through line. Characters: I like the mom, but I feel like she's going to die or nearly die based on the set up. This makes me reflexively draw back from her character. The MC seems fine, but read to me as a bit 'superior' based on how they interacted with their friend. That can be done really well, but as a reader I need something to justify or balance it. Am: Didn't really stand out to me personality wise. They have interesting things about them per narration, but their dialogue and mannerisms didn't really grab me. The red head feels like he is being set up to be a big interesting character. He's the most interesting hook so far to me. I see from the other critiques that the flowers were a bigger thing that I caught on my own reading. That might be from my lack of experience in this genre. My bad. Thanks for sharing

Nice to see this story again! I agree that the dialogue goes on a bit too long. I don't dislike the wordy banter, I think it has a solid place in the right context, there is just too much of a good thing here for me. A few things that caught me as I read: "It sent him back aches" at first read it seems like any movement makes only his back ache. "Now he has his goal" tense shift "S introduced herself" not really needed since we get this from the dialogue. Taking his pulse: the wirst or his neck would be a much better place to check than his forearm, especially if his "vitals are weak". It also takes a good 30 seconds to a minute to get an acurate pulse. I'm not sure how far you want to go into medical here since it seems from his actions that your MC is just fine aside from some bruises and dehydration, but I'm happy to help if you want any info on basic assessments or symptoms. "Just C" felt a little awkward compared to the usual verbose replies. "His expression was locked into a more neutral tone." Feels like a POV shift Highlander. Great title, but I will be picturing Adrian Paul swinging a sword around to music by Queen every time I read it :-) That's just a personal problem though, symptomatic of the 90's. I really like the flavors your are developing with your world building, thanks for sharing!

Late again! From your earlier comment, it looks like most of the things I noticed have already been fixed :-) A couple things to add: I'll echo that the first paragraph or two the POV felt a little off. I loved the start and end of this chapter, but I caught myself skimming durring the parts describing how they were searching for files, while S was detailing all the times she tried to contact the others, and reading the files. I'm sure this is all good and important stuff, but as a new reader it didn't click for me. "What is a plane?" Didn't get this line I liked the part where Y eats the glass. This may not have been the point, but it made him seem to me like someone who is travel worn and has learned better than to waste things. Aggression talents: this seems interesting, I'm happy to read that you've added explaination for it. Thanks for sharing!

Hi! So sorry I didn't see this had a due date. Since my critique is waaaaay late, I'll just say: Great job! I hope you write more scifi in the future!

Ch 2 I love the opening paragraph, nice tone. Fishing boats loaded with bait - and nets. I'm not sure if you have a specific kind of fishing in mind, but most fishing methods that I am aware of that involve nets don't require bait. Or were they different boats, some with bait and some with nets? M works outside all day, I have a hard time seeing him keeping 'pasty white' skin. I suffer from that complexion myself, and eventually a tan and or freckles will stick. Or the freckles connect into a psuedo-tan like my dad sports year round :-) "If these monsters realized E was like the person they killed..." this seems like a huge assumption and leap of logic from what E overheard them say, which was violent sounding but general. I have a hard time buying the pirates losing their balance and falling in the water when the fishing lady jumps. Based on their description, I assumed these were seafarers who would be used to standing and walking on swinging/bucking docks and dinghies. Also not clear if she is just abandoning her boat? I like E and his voice is this chapter, I'm not sure what to make of him as a character though. He felt like the designated love interest in chapter 1 if the story was a romance. In chapter two, he's the protagonist but doesn't seem to have much going on outside of his current situation to pull him along in the story, aside from concern for S. I can't say I'm curious to follow E and find out more about the jerks on the docks since their motivation is clear and they don't seem very threatening compared to the river or other elementals. Chapter 3 Parts of this seem to be repetitive world building from chapter 2, primarily the descriptions for the groups of antagonists. One or the other makes the point well enough I think. The explanations in chapter 3 also seem to steal the thunder from whatever E may learn. It kind of feels like seeing the monster too early in a Godzilla movie. In closing: At this point, I am much more interested in the mechanics of the world than what's happening. The political gathering is there, but I'm not particularly excited or concerned about it. I'm more curious about the apparent personalities of the elementals and what tech is coming back into the world. It seems like if S's concerns were valid, there would be elemental vessel puppets roaming around and acting directly for them all the time (startrek Borg-like). Or maybe I just watch too much scifi :-) I was wondering if all the people on the solar barges were women, or if that was a generalization! Question answered! Thanks for sharing

Interesting concepts! I like the smash up of tech and fantasy elements. I'm afraid I also had a hard time getting attached to S. Part of the issue for me might be that I find characters who want to do something more sympathetic than ones who are driven by not wanting to do something. I also had a hard time picturing S. Aside from hair length and relative height to E, I didn't catch any other descriptions to help me picture them or how they move. Someone else mentioned this but I had a hard time following the blocking durring E and S's conversation, everything felt just a little broken up. E and S's voices seemed very similar to me, but that could be explained by both being of similar age and the same home town. Yay barge women/science amazons! I am always up for a flotilla at the end of the world :-) Thanks for sharing!