Sarah B

Not much to add by now! I'm enjoying the story, which hasn't changed. Just a couple things that caught my eye as I read: "Overtime the population of each ship has expanded..." is this tied to the discussion about food production races between ships? Because it seems like that kind of growth (from the mention of reducing quarters size, I assumed 2x to 3x growth) would have been catastrophic to supplies and equipment on the ships over centuries of travel. I took comments about the wear on the ship's to have been related to the trip being much longer than expected, but perhaps this is also linked? This really belongs in the previous chapter, but something in this chapter sparked it so I'll mention it here: Meat livestock in zero g. Unless they are getting exercise and some serious hormones, it seems like their muscle mass would be pretty meager. This nags at my suspension of disbelief that so much feed, water and energy would be put into a non-essential and inefficient food source when the ships are already overburdened. Not sure if something this small is worth worrying about, but just in case. Acropolis: Cool name. Something about it also brings a sense of impending doom, likely fueled by me reading too much dystopia and space empire fiction :-) I'm really glad you addressed muscle mass, but I wonder how they are going to adapt to blood volume/blood pressure issues once under 80% gravity. You're probably already on top of this, but many astronauts also have immune overreactions when returning to earth after a long stint in space, going from an ultra clean environment to a messy and pathogen filled planet. I am totally willing to accept they have a booster for that though :-) I wasn't 100% what was happening in the first planet view section. At first, I thought we were skipping straight to the landing. I very much liked the second planet view section where we do see the landing. Great detail and ominous beginning to the colony. Sorry if I seem nit picky. Honestly I found very little to comment on which probably led me to dig deeper for problems than I normally would have. Feel free to ignore!

I liked this chapter, I felt anchored back into the story. A couple things that stood out to me: "She could sympathize with those who took the concept seriously" I'm unclear what this meant. The repetition of when the M would be available from D's dialogue to when the M says it himself blunted the impact at the end for me. It might also be that I immediatly forgot the day names after I read them. This might be a fantasy trope that I'm just not used to. If the new day names aren't significant to plot though, being asked to memorize things 'just because' in a story is sticking point for me. It makes me worried as a reader that I'm going to have to constantly stop find a chart or flip back to a specific page anytime a date is mentioned. That might just be a personal hang up though :-) Besides those points I really enjoyed this chapter. It's a nice break from the politic-ing in the last chapter and, as a reader, seeing areas outside of I's home country feels like a pay off. It was also nice to see the other side of the magic issue in full force. 'I' was relatable again, and I'm curious to see more of the new characters. Thanks for sharing!

Forgot I was reading a sub for a bit and had to go back :-) I didn't have any issues with the flow until the very end. So far, the characters remain distinct and likeable, but I am to the point where I would be flipping to that list before chapter 1. Missing quotation marks for dialogue near 3/4 in paragraph starting, "sometimes it's better to dive in..." "Well, that answers a few questions." Not sure what to make of this line. It felt disjointed compared to what just happened. The violence felt like it didn't fit to me, with very little build up and not much acknowledgement after. To me, it wasn't clear why J was launching at the V, because attacking a superior officer for giving orders seemed out of place. @shatteredsmooth I share the same curiosity about how the Gens will adapt to gravity. Besides their bones, there is a whole lot of human biology that is about to be thrown out of whack. But, since this is hard scifi, and you decided to have your generation ships not spin or use other means, I'm betting this is intentional and relevant to the plot :-) Thanks for sharing

Yay scifi! That is a very sneaky way to put in a prolog (interlude 1), I like it :-) It reminded me in some ways of "Fire Upon the Deep" I skimmed the roster to get the general idea, but I was really happy to see that there were only a handful of distinct characters introduced in the first chapter so that I could keep track of them. Ground/gravity sickness was a nice touch! This got my sympathy immediatly. Living on a boat, I get landsick sometimes when I first come on shore :-) M*** was a bit confusing to me at first. I started off thinking it was some sort of greeting or slang, but ended up on the right track that it must be a title. "The ship is generational ma'am..." This struck me as a bit maid and butler for two officials serving on the ship to discuss what kind of ship it is. I think the earlier mentions of generations and family lines made the setting clear, but I read a ton of scifi. For me, the second interlude was a little long. It definetly set up the suspense of what they are going to find and (as others mentioned) gives some really interesting hints. But I think maybe due to the vagueness of the descriptions, I caught myself wanting to skim at about 1/2 to 2/3 of interlude 2. I really liked the set up for the ship and the different types of crew on board. I would definetly keep reading! One point that I am hoping will be covered (I think someone else mentioned this) is why so many people need to be awake if they have effective cryogenics and I assume can also freeze embryos. Wouldn't it be more efficient resource wise to have a handful of.people rotate through active duty every few years? I'm sure there are reasons and you have worked it all out. Most books I've read choose one or the other, generation ships or cryogenics, so as a reader I am super curious to find out why they use both. Thanks for sharing! I'm looking foreward to the next part

Happy weekend! Most of the points that struck me as confusing have already been discussed. Mainly that I don't have a clear idea of the geography, so the references to how different regions vs countries relate to eachother was lost on me. WrS might also be at play, but I find myself struggling to remember among the names of people and places how everything fits (wait, are they from there? Who was that again?). Especially in the first half of the conversation between AL and R, I was a bit lost. The references you mentioned including and reading the story over days instead of weeks would help a lot I'm sure. The most engaging part for me was the end. The oathbands are one of my favorite parts of the story so seeing how one could be removed was interesting. I shared @Ace of Hearts assumption about the oathbands prior to your explaination. I supose I also thought they would burn or flare up durring the act of betrayal rather than durring removal. The idea that both people could be ignorant of the betrayal and it would still act against R is interesting and leaves me wanting to understand what's going on. I would definetly turn the page to the next chapter if I read this in a book. I think AL came off well in this chapter. I wasn't 100% sure what he was trying to accomplish some of the time, but I think that was mainly tied to my bad memory for who is who. Regardless, he was vulnerable but proactive so reading about his struggles makes me want to see him succeed Thanks for sharing!

Yay landmarks! I have to say I did find the tracking scene of G retracing I's steps a little repetitive. I liked the scene overall, especially there it gave G a chance to show off some expertise. I know you said you have already done pruning on that section, by my 'ear' it needs just a bit more. I didn't find any parts confusing. In fact, I think seeing the communication box working here was much clearer than the previous section's descriptions with R and the sister. Perhaps not so much is needed back there since as the reader we can see it play out in this chapter? I don't know if this was an intentional plant or just a fun idea you threw in, but I found the concept of an oathband potentially being escaped by severing an arm intriguing. Especially in a world with magic healing, this seems like a potentially useful device if an oathband became burdensome or dangerous. Not to be gory, but would removing the skin under it remove the oath band? Or is it deeper in the tissue? This is the most I have liked G so far. In general, I like gruff protector characters so I am an easy mark for this one. Arcs: I can definetly see both I and R going somewhere. This is the first chapter I really got a sense of anything deeper going on for G. I missed a big chunk in the middle, so I can't really speak with any authority. It feels like the plotline back at the starting point is taking a backseat now. Based on how things are moving, I am expecting the MC to travel further into new territory and learn more about magic and her new marks from the judge. As a reader, I am intrigued to see more of what the world is like outside of the MC's home kingdom. Thanks for sharing!

1. I am fairly interested right off the bat. The story I'm expecting by the end of the first chapter and the story I was expecting at the beginning are not the same, but I would probably read either. 2. Overall the MC's dialogue seems age appropriate. The two lines that sounded more mature to me were at the beginning and the end "whatever comes next" and "of course I have." I like both fo these lines, but they sound more advanced to me than the rest of the MC's internal dialogue. 3. For me, I'd like some more world building hints early on. Until 'space steel' is mentioned, I'm picturing a boy in a small town with a lake and a duck as his best buddy. There's a bit of whiplash as a reader switching from that expectation to that small town being a colony on another world. I've read books that do that intentionally though, it's not nessicary a negative thing. 4. The Beowolf sounding title had me expecting some heavy fantasy elements. Aside from the title, I would anticipate a coming of age/sports story in a scifi setting where the MC has to deal with controlling his temper and possibly some culture shock/discrimination on earth when he goes to compete. Thanks for sharing!

1. No big points of confusion. I feel like the comparison to the oath bands ties it back to established mechanics in the story. There have also been mentions of the Judge previously, but never with this tone of dread that I remember. The only thing that hung me up is that it is mentioned that she spent her last reserves of magic to heal herself, but then she starts a fire. I wasn't sure if this was because fire starting is so easy for her now, if she had recovered somewhat or if this was a continuity issue. The part between finding the horse and starting the fire, her actions were a bit unclear. 2. I'm on the fence about the ritual. As a reader I assume it's going to be explained later when she tells someone, so I'm fine holding my questions for later on. The impact of what was happening didn't hit me until after it had happened. I think initially I assumed that it was her own self recriminations combined with shock, rather than something external. As a reader, I think I was missing maybe a moment more to make the switch between her general suffering and something new happening. 3. For her injuries, I think the level of attention spent on her pain and symptoms was very appropriate. The only line that struck me was about midway through her walk to the river, "She couldn't change any of that now..." It's not a bad line at all, but it feels less immediate and more self reflective than what comes before and after. 4. I found this chapter very engaging and interesting. Well done! Thanks for sharing

For me, the overall mood was nostalgic and a bit eerie. I sympathize with J's initial nervousness and then her sense of betrayal at being deceived. Other critiques have already said the same, but I was waiting for the punch of those emotions. It's clear she loves A, but she seems to get over this big secret and her anxiety very quickly. As a reader, I was expecting to be tortured a bit before the happy ending. "A" comes across more clearly than J for me. Even when they aren't getting along, we only see positive things about A through J's eyes which makes her come off as somewhat idyllic. This might be intentional but it makes J seem a little worshipful of A, particularly with how quickly J forgives her. J clearing the road: I would be miffed if someone wanted me to do all the heavy lifting while they wrote a letter. J is probably a better person than I am though :-) It feels strange that J leaves A and the train after everything that just happened. As a reader, I am half expecting them to have disapeared later. The two pronouns slips I caught have already been mentioned. A couple small things: "The car's lean, and their peeling paint..." Would it be (cars') for plural possessive here? "J had to stay and write her proposal" wasn't A writing it? Thanks for sharing! Sarah B

Wow, that cover looks gorgeous Great to have you back! Its been pretty quiet. I think several regulars have been on a break from the forum. I also wrote 50,000 words of something for NaNoWriMo. I hesitate to even call it a draft zero, but it's better than a blank page right? :-) Looking foreward to your next sub!

Hi Again! I enjoyed this first chapter more than the previous draft. I think it gave a very clear introduction of the direction and intent of the story, as well as your MC's main motivations. The internal dialogue was fine for me, barely noticeable and nessicary to make it clear what was happening. It also made me like I much sooner than previously, knowing the pressure she is under and what she is up against. I think th relationship between I and R was the strongest point in the chapter, and the most interesting part to read. I liked their banter and that they both come off as rational while disagreeing. I agree with @shatteredsmooth about the ending. Good motivation to keep reading. Two small points of confusion for me as I read: "Good evening, your grace." Where R is first speaking, he isn't introduced by name until I think three paragraphs later. With all the introductions going on of names and places, this was a bit confusing ("Wait, which one is this?"). "V should have known from the start that father's legacy..." From reading previous versions, I'm pretty sure this is the king's name. As a first time reader and without already knowing more about I and R's family, I don't think I would have gotten that though. Just curious, will there be a family tree illustration/chart in the book? I am hopeless with names so I always look for one :-) please take my confusion with a grain of salt. Thanks for sharing, Sarah B

Sorry I'm so late! It looks like you and Ace of Hearts have hashed out a lot of the details I had also forgotten about anything related to verbal vows and their effects, but context made it easy to bluff my way through. As far as plot points, the only part that hung me up was that having just apparently lost one heir, now the crowned prince and secondary heir are leaving town? Character wise I get it, but in terms of political stability, this seems like a bad call and a bit immature for them without a really solid reason for both of them going. I might be misunderstanding, but it seemed like anyone could carry the box into range and feed it messages and send any reply back to the family? A couple small things: One of the Duchess' names is missing, a line placeholder instead. "Before she could manage that, though, C's sister brought up his plans..." I love the word 'though' so much, and I tend to overuse it. I think this might be a case where 'though' could be removed without losing anything. I liked the flow of this chapter, as usual :-) It took me a bit to get back into these characters, but by the time A was in the study I was back in and invested. Well done!

I missed this story entirely the last time around, so I have the advantage of fresh eyes I guess :-) The pacing felt fine to me. Some of the reaction moments felt a little repetitive in phrasing but they all made sense given what the character was going through. For the most part everything held together and felt nessicary to me. I liked the opening scene for rapidly setting the tone and genre. The MC came off as very likable for me, a main point of engagement was worrying about him and fellow saboteur. There was quite a bit of world building to be done, but nothing felt like an info-dump or over narrated. The transition between scenes was barely noticeable, which I think is a win. 'Sneaked' hung me up. After some grammer research though I learned that in US English both sneaked and snuck are acceptable and in British English 'sneaked' is preferred. Learn something new every day! Thanks for sharing!

Sorry I'm late! I think this chapter worked really well! There were two points of minor confusion for me, but they were small: I didn't get that she had decided to take a different horse until the name was mentioned later. Re reading that part, I saw it clearly but it wasn't imediatly obvious on the first pass. I wasn't sure what the layout was when she decides to dive under the fallen tree, or why he wouldn't have been able to climb up and over or go around it easily. The action read very well and I think her thought process was clear and relatable for what she was going through. Well done!

Sorry I'm late! It seems like most points have already been covered: I agree that the arrival seems sudden and could use some build up. It's a pet peeve of mine when the main villain shows up in person to do something sketchy when they have henchmen that could accomplish the same task. I completely understand why its better if he's there, but I think some explaination of why he came (apparently alone?) would help. The romance element does seem the most solid. Side characters and plots seem to come and go but W's family and her developing a relationship with N feels the most cohesive and solid to me. I liked the repeated element of the flowers in the medow, calling back to w and n's initial meeting and the title. It was a nice nod to the fact that this is a pivotal moment in the story. My main thought on character is just that some of the voices could use some more developing so that they are more distinct from each other. W's family and N's voices are all distinct and clear. Some of the smaller roll characters seem to pick up W's voice and word choice. I think that is a late draft edit and not something most authors worry about until they are nearing a final draft though. To continue or not? One piece of advice that hear a lot from writing podcasts is that if you need to make a change in your story keep writing as though you've already gone back and changed it. Then you get to field test the changes and see how they work out. I can't speak from personal experience, but this makes sense to me. Of course, you know best what's best for your story Thanks for sharing

I liked this chapter! Writing action is hard and I think the fight scenes worked. There were quite a few qualifying words that sapped some of the urgency. Possibly, probable, potential, and almost: all made appearances in close proximity. A few parts got a bit wordy, mosty toward the beginning in relation to MC's emotional turmoil. To me, this made her come off as clinically detached rather than in the moment. Perhaps this is how she is coping with the situation? "D scrambled away from her" not sure why Message cases: cool idea! Sort of magic telegrams right? This might have been explained in chapters that I missed, but the mechanics confused me. It seemed like R had sent the message that two men were following them after escaping. Later though, there's a line that says that if R did escape he wouldn't be able to contact anyone. I think the sequence of events might be off right before her uncle gives her D's sword. It seems like her uncle is in the conversation and exchanging looks with D, then approaches D and MC from somewhere else. I wasn't clear on who made the startled noise before, "had they been seen?" It seemed like both groups were already aware of eachother. The part where MC and her uncle see the archer and decide the leave him so that they won't ruin the suprise seemed odd. Given that he immediatly spots them, this felt like a pretty big tactical error for two trained people to make. "The man glanced at where her uncle had shoved her to the ground..." The archer seemed to already know where her uncle was by then, so I wasn't sure why he would pause here. The chapter felt like a good length to me, I don't think I would break it up at all. If anything, I might add a little more of her thoughts and situation to the end of the chapter before the last lines. I think perhaps any confusing parts are just a result of the extensive editing you mentioned. Dispite all my nit picking, I really did enjoy this chapter and I think all the work you put into it shows! Also, the dialogue flowed well. Thanks for sharing!

I have to say, this is my favorite chapter. The reveal of the village is a bit of a let down so far, but I feel like it is still a big pay off for the reader and for W who has worked hard to let the relationship progress to thos point. I agree on both points. It's nice to see N as less of a puppy in this chapter, and I like that W notices and appreciates this different aspect of his nature. 1st paragraph, second sentence gets a bit convoluted. "This person was descended" I may be wrong, but to my ear it's either "this person descended" or "this person was a decendent". Not much else to say. I liked how the dialogue flowed in this chapter and the transitions were effortless to follow. Well done!

This really felt like two separate chapters to me, although short ones. With just the page break the time skip felt a little awkward, although maybe this could be remedied with a bit more transition? Sorry, I am not the best editor by a long shot. I have trouble with organizing chapters in my own WIP. Points of engagement: I think the emotional impacts were good, the only parts I had a hard time with was the conversations about people I hadn't read about in a while. Skipping over the fight felt abrupt, as a reader it felt like something was being hidden from me. Perhaps this was intentional? This is the lost relatable/likable I remember R being. A few line by lines: "D was why he was here." A little unclear "L and A were both mountainous. And they were all bastards." At this point I wasn't sure if this was two people or two nations. The switch between 'both' and 'all' hinted at nations but this line snagged me. Thanks for sharing!

That's fantastic news! Well done! My favorite by a large margin is the second option. The first would be my second choice. The last version didn't hold up to the others in my opinion, although the detail of why the skin darkening spray was being used was nice. A few details caught my attention. If you weren't looking for line by lines, please ignore: In Version #2: The first paragraph has a lot of comas, so in my head it read a little choppy. "Darkening of his skin" is in a slightly different font than the rest of the text. "I may have a job to do...": Q's thoughts later on are italicized, but these aren't. Unless he is speaking outloud? Again, well done! Please keep us posted on how it goes

1. My main points of confusion were: -trying to pin down how familiar W and B are. W seems very aware of B's behaviors and body language cues, but doesn't recognize her father. You mentioned before that B will be ret-conned into the story earlier, so maybe this will resolve itself. The conversation between W, B and B's dad read a little awkwardly to me. -Where do B and B's dad go? They both seem to just vanish after N shows up. 2. Its nice to see a teen relationship that isn't built around an easily resolved misunderstanding like many high school romance movies. I like that they talk things out rather than angsting. Side note: "What's going on D...? Was this nickname used before? It doesn't seem familiar Thanks for sharing!

Starts with a bang! :-) I think the magic parts were very clear mostly, but agree that a little more on the Oathbands would have helped. Especially the point where the MC's band for his wife is gone, I think the beat wasn't as strong as it could have been with a little more info. The statement that haveing twins without magic is a death sentence seems a little exadurated, but maybe an anxious father's nerves justify that. The antagonist midwife felt a little thrown in. I think her name might be missing from the draft with "_" in it's place. I think having her character makes a lot of sense and movies things well but maybe a little more on her, or her impact on the situation would be nice. She seems to just apear out of nowhere in the story after a brief mention but her motivations and actions have a huge effect. The MC is naturally sympathetic, as a reader I want the poor guy to save his family. The part after the blast was a bit confusing to picture. I remember from the previous draft about the ice sphere, but from this version I don't get that. The situation with the roof collapsing is also hard to put together. I don't know if this is a situation where more on the setting before the crisis would help or if it's just a symptom of me missing the shorthand for what a castle is like since I'm not a fantasy reader. Maybe neither :-) I should leave this point to those more versed in fantasy I expect. Well done, thanks for sharing!

I agree with the earlier critiques that the first page or so feels unnessicary. It reads like the "previously on..." start of an episode. I had a hard time with this chapter. It felt like the conversations went on a bit too long without anything happening in the present. The biggest event in the chapter happens 'off camera' which dulls the impact for me, especially since W's POV tends to be distant. B is getting interesting here. I am haveing a hard time telling her 'voice' from W's though. "Future assessment of boys I associate with" Has B always spoken formally like W? W definetly comes off as more sympathetic here than she has before. She's dealing with major life events and bearing up under them. Her apparent lack of interest in N's wellbeing threatens that somewhat, but seems to me in keeping with her character. B's apparent knowlege of serious danger directed at N seems strange. It makes her past behavior more confusing and it also seems like a strange time to bring it up. It feels like a lot from her all at once. But I did miss a lot in the middle, maybe this was set up already? Thanks for sharing

Hello! I think this read well as one chapter! If it was split, it doesn't seem like the second chapter would have enough substance on it's own. The fireside conversation was my favorite part and made me like the MC better. Especially in showing that while she was willing to take on some responsibilities, she was still dreading them. The dialogue when they first saw other people in the valley was a little confusing as far as who was speaking. I sorted it out, but it took some re reading. The MC showing off her secrete skills was a nice touch and a fun moment. The end felt a little fuzzy and rushed as to what was happening, but maybe that was intentional? I'm afraid I don't know why she dislikes G, I'm assuming that was in the parts I missed. One sticky point for me was when they get into a discussion about energy spell (I'm assuming it's like we see her using where it eases pain and strengthens muscles) acting on the heart. I was assuming this was figurative the heart as someone's core (because making someone's heart beat faster wouldn't really help them with endurance unless other things are happening too), until they got into 'causing a heart attack'. I don't know if you want to get into this or not, but a heart attack is the obstruction of blood flow to the heart's own tissues. What you are describing seems more like sudden cardiac arrest, which is usually caused by electrical or mechanically stopping the beating of the heart. Both terms are fairly new medical science, we didn't have any strong idea of what was happening durring a heart attack until the 1900's (so says google). I've forgotten when this story is set but it feels older than that. But it is magic! So feel free to ignor all this. If you want to go deeper into though, I am happy to help. Thanks for sharing!

I've missed a big chunk of this story, sorry about that. I'm afraid I'll never catch up if I try to catch up on critiques from nearly 7 months of absence so I'm just going to pick up with the current week. I hope that's alright. I can't comment on the pacing in relation to recent events in the story, but this felt like a good recovery/recap chapter that covered relationships and the ongoing issues for this MC. (Good timing for me to return) A few places felt a little wordy and ponderous but not bad. I feel like part of that is the old world tone and texture. I enjoyed the sparing parts the best, but very much needed the later conversation to know what was happening and to put it in context. Nothing felt unnecessary. Three line by lines caught my eye: The paragraph starting: "She nodded and then lunged in..." "series of motions that was (were) almost indistinct..." "But she was still lagging when the paused..., both breathing heavily." The last part of this sentence reads awkwardly for me. "Yeah, I didn't either." This felt out of place with the rest of the dialogue between these two characters who both speak fairly formally. Maybe just more modern than the rest? I am enjoying getting back to your story, thanks for sharing!

That is awesome, well done!