Sarah B

So so late, sorry! I think there has been very carefull coverage already, so I'll just chime in with something I don't think has been mentioned. It's POV has a ton of personality, and I love that. My only problem was that for how intensely T seems to be feeling, their thoughts balance very reasonably. This, but also that. The decision T comes to and their interactions seem to be building towards an extreme decision, which they do, but on the way their thoughts seem very moderate. Like things someone would say while they were angry and venting, but not their unfiltered feelings/thoughts durring a crisis. That was just my impression. Again, sorry for readi g so late!

Wow, this is so much clearer, even for a newbie to the series like me. The added background from the flashback helps ground what's going on in this chapter for me. Nice suspense in this edit as well.

Late again! Seems like previous critiques have been very comprehensive already. The only line that really caught me was : "Sixteen and think you own..." Because of the numbers used in their names, it took me a minute to realize that she was talking about G-4 and not another guard named 16. As a new reader, this was very helpful for getting some sense of the N homeworld and culture. My only concern is that this would be two time skips right in the beginning and may feel more like prologue B than Chapter 1 since both take place years before the main story. For someone like me who is coming in with no sense of timeline for previous stories: starting three years earlier, then jumping further back, and then forward to the main story might get confusing. I liked the planet descriptions and am very curious about the ti animals that keep getting mentioned. Based on the references to their poop and milk, I'm picturing something like a winged cow. Thanks for sharing!

Late again, sorry about that! I felt pretty lost through parts of this chapter. There is a lot of back story/ galaxy history thrown in almost off hand. Since I know I've missed books, I'm wondering if this is something I should already know, or if this is scifi trope "don't worry all will be explained" world building. What was happening seemed clear, but why it mattered was a bit hard to track until nearly the end as a new reader. I think I might have felt more invested in O to start if I had known who she was right away and would have understood why she was interested in Ex-ne from the prologue. I enjoyed your descriptions and the balance between grotesque and comic tone in handling what was happening. Thanks for sharing!

Hi there! I am horrendously late so I'll be brief: I found this chapter very engaging. Without your noting before the chapter that the planet P was where the tree sphere material came from though, I wouldn't have caught that connection. It would have seemed to me that the trees where the only through line. The Ard mentioned in the "previously" caption before the chapter didn't ring a bell, but that might because it's been a couple weeks for me since the last installment. Was this species/planet name dropped before? As a new reader, my first thought at seeing unfamiliar re-cap is "oh crap, what did I miss? Did I read that?" I'm sure the Ard are very familiar to established readers though. As an outsider to the series, it seems like this protagonist and Ne have similar goals and situations, to rejoin and live with their own species. It might be my memory, but do they both have hairy male captains as well? I find this protagonist much more interesting and sympathetic as a new reader than Ne. Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for sharing that video! It's encouraging to see, even knowing how fast Brandon writes :-) Last year I was writing about 400-800 an hour and decided to start pushing myself on my first nanowrimo attempt because I couldn't find 2-4 hours a day to write. I now write about 1600 in an hour of varying quality. I think this has stayed my cap due to nanowrimo and trying to get my daily words in an hour. Still working on endurance. After 1-1.5 hours my brain produces pure gibberish :-) I am amazed at authors who can write 3 or more hours at a stretch.

Congratulations! Aside from echoing the others about some parts feeling redundant, I don't have much to comment on. My favorite of the multiple send offs was C chasing Ir around and their dialogue. I would love to see that stay or at least referenced :-) It would be great to see Ir be a more independent and decisive woman here at the end rather than leaning so hard on everyone else's opinions. That being said, I understand her impulse. It's hard to be a little selfish when it comes to family. The only line that stood out to me was, "harsh" which read as modern slang to my ear. To jump in on this topic: Clockwork Orange had the whole last chapter cut off by the publisher or editor and no one but the author noticed. We writers just hate saying goodbye I guess :-) Thanks for sharing your story! It's been a pleasure to read

Much easier read! I have to agree that the conversation between Ne and K is a lot of information still. It seems strange that Ne would be sharing all of this personal and apparently painful information with someone she has an adversarial relationship with and pointedly doesn't like. Non-existent toilet: well... at least they have trees. "So close Ne could spit on it." Great line for keeping viewpoint in character. "With gold... racing stripes, maybe, along" I get the point of this sentence but it reads a bit garbled to me with all the punctuation breaking it up. Thanks for sharing

What do you think of a new thread specifically for what you're reading and what inspires you about it or what you intend to do or avoid after reading it? It might be useful to compare notes on good examples for different writing skills. I know I've gotten some great suggestions already when the topic comes up in other threads. The idea just hit me while reading The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K Le Guin. Little things she does in her prose are just SO GOOD. Its Intimidating and inspiring at the same time. I don't know how I've missed this book until now.

It really feels like the end now. I have to agree with others that some mentioned of the family's interaction with S or some reason for her decision would be helpful. Or even just hanging a lantern on it and having Ir be shocked and suspicious of the choice because S was so adamant when they spoke. A few small things: "Whipped her hand out of L's urgent grip." Ripped? "Not only was I scared..." this sounds like J had more feelings than fear and is about to say them. Maybe instead: "I wasn't the only one who was scared." "L would cease his jokes." This may be WRS but I didn't understand why this would help. It seems like that would make Ir feel worse, not better to have her friend stop joking with her. But I don't remember L being harsh or biting in joking, maybe he was? Yet another fun read, looking forward to the next one!

Being later has it's benefits I guess, I had both parts available :-) Forgive me, but is this book YA? This sub carries that vibe. Not in a bad way, but in overall tone and MC interactions as the younger and less experienced character surrounded by 'adults'. Everyone has gone into such depth... I honestly didn't catch that much to critique. "Floated in darkness..." "sudden change" These two statements seem to contradict eachother since it sounds like the floating has been going on for a while. Coma: could be, but 'unresponsive' is less medically threatening if you want to play it safe. Coma usually denotes some pretty heavy problems or serious medicating. This is scifi so super healing tech is always on the table (hahaha, I kill me. Oh how I would love a bio-bed and a tricorder though!), but people don't usually pop back out of unplaned comas unscathed. At least in our time. World building question: If the Ens are all linked on a telepathic plane of some kind, and served the previous ruler on all the worlds he (it?) controled, why is there a question of how many worlds are out there and where they are? Wouldn't the En know? I loved the chart, by the way! Looking forward to reading more.

I enjoyed the MC's voice much more this time. I like how you cut out a lot of the negative self talk but still got the point across. "W's squarish..." Missing noun? Glasses? "Last term he hacked by tablet." My tablet "Could probably melt my brain if I got too fed up with it." With what? I assumed life in general but specifics would be good. Ms. Gregor. Takes me back to Peter Rabbit stories with McGregor. And- species name. As a treky, I keep reading this as Andorian which is a species in those series. Not a problem, just thought I'd let you know. "But anyone can walk in her" here "Skipping would've been an option since I haven' done" haven't "You can top layer off." Take the top layer off? "Ar reaches for his tablet..." also 'him' in next sentence. I think everywhere else Ar is they/them. This version grabbed me much sooner, looking forward to reading the rest.

Really coming down to it huh? I have to say, there was some really nice tension built up for this confrontation with S. The kind where I don't want to read it but I HAVE to read it :-) A few small notes: In the second prayer "them" is the only word not in italics which looks a little odd. It calling her mom and dad by their names made me question for a minute if I had somehow misunderstood their family structure. It seems strange given how stressed she is that she would mentally call her parents by their names when she is so close to them. "Sorry won't bring T back Missing end quotes The beginning felt a little disjointed, but I assumed that was intentional to reflect Ir's mental state. The meeting with the BK is the only part that left me a little cold, I guess because their conversation was what I had assumed would happen? It seems like in the past every meeting with the BK has been a big pivot point, and this time was just a friendly 'carry on'. But then, you wouldn't want to steal the thunder from talking with S. Probably the right move :-) Looking forward to the next piece!

@Robinski Thank you for sharing that! It reminded me of something Mary Robinette said at SiWC this year durring the writing group pannel. (Paraphrasing from memory) on the topic of accepting critiques and advice: Your story is a perfect thing that lives in your mind. It's yours and no one can take that from you. The novel is the tool that lets you share that story with the world, but the novel won't be perfect. That's how writing groups can help. They can't see the perfect story in your head, but they can help you refine the tool that let's you share it.

I'm coming in a bit late, but jumping in: Combat: The scenes were very clear, but felt a little flat to me. I think part of the issue might have been wanting more sensory information. The descriptions seemed to cover what happens, pain, reactions and that's mostly it. Some other senses (per writing excuses advice) might be a good boost. The horse: I was wondering what happened to C's horse when he demanded a new one. Agreed that horses are a valuable commodity. ("My Kingdom for a horse!") The narrative clips along at a good pace for me, but I did get a bit bogged down in several wordy sentences and repeated he/his sentence starts in a row. "I was part of a cell" This feels like a modern usage of this word. Cell in this time period (I'm assuming based on horses and swords) meant a small room. Yes, I do: The wound: I was not clear on exactly where C's slash wound was, or how deep. Since A mentions that it missed the organs, I'm going to assume it went through full thickness of skin and into fat and muscle, possibly nicking his ribs. If I'm wrong and it's not that deep or very long, some of my comments bellow are irrelevant, sorry. Placing stitches: First, yes, absolutely you must clean the wound. Even the booze they keep drinking would be better than nothing, even though it would not feel great. Rinsing a wound with clean water would help shed the debris, especially if its bleeding. Mentioning a needle and thread makes me imagine A is getting out a regular sewing needle and cotton or wool thread. She would need a hooked needle to puncture down and then turn back up out the other side. Its tricky and slippery work, she would need easy access, and probably to have him lay down to do a decent job of this. The thread would need to be coated, hopefully at least waxed, to pass through easily without leaving fibers in the wound given the materials at hand IMO. If I was stitching someone's side and they kept talking (moving target), they would end up with some extra holes and some pretty crooked stitches. But a combat medic I am not. "The needle tugged." Great detail here. Dressing: binding a wound with a poultice would be time period appropriate I think. At least covering it to keep the dirt and grime out would help. The stitches popping: I'm glad you mention them coming loose, my only critique is that with how much he is reaching and moving around, they would have popped much sooner. For an experiment, you might put peices of scotch tape/cheap clear tape in a long row along where C is suposed to be injured and then try moving around. Any time you feel the tape pull, that's pain and bleeding. If it peels off, you've torn the skin around the stitch. Even walking or taking deep breaths would be a problem, depending on their location. Long slice wounds heal nicely if left alone, but tend to split back open when given the chance. I liked how you anchored the world right away with descriptions of the scenery. The sword commentary was fine for me, it makes me wonder what it would be like in a fight between two wielders of that kind of sword. Thanks for sharing!

My bad, I thought the thread for buisness of writing and publishing was for editor/agent/querying only. I'll post writing craft questions there next time. Thanks again!

Aw, thanks :-) Anytime!

Not at all what I meant! Invoke all you like. You know I'll be invoking your skill set for my WIP :-) I only meant that all the writerly stuff had been covered already, so I would focus on what hadn't. Team effort!

Very pleasant to read! It felt a little long, but not enough that I was bored or skimming. For the symbolism, the flower read to me as a mirror of the socially neglected MC herself, considered a 'mutation' or 'blighted' until given time and attention to bloom. I thought this was driven home by the garden analogy. My only line by line catch was: "They came once the year she turned sixty." It feels like something is missing for clarity there. A nice piece of scifi, thanks for sharing!

@Robinski @Snakenaps Happy to help! This is why no one will watch medical dramas with me :-) (Warning, graphic description to follow) T's injuries: If I'm reading this right, T was shot in both lungs and then stabbed in the abdomin. The pool of blood I would buy if the spear hit him in the abdominal portion of the aorta. That would make someone bleed out very very quickly until their heart stopped. The thing is, someone who lost that much blood and has two punctured lungs dies in minutes. If one lung was punctured only, and the spear only sliced into intestines, then you are looking at a much slower and more painful death. In that case though, you have likely have internal bleeding rather than a 'pool of blood'. Also, with punctured lungs there would be a gasping 'sucking chest wound' sound with each breath as the punctured lung filled with blood and leaked air. T would be choking and coughing until he passed out. In first aid, the temporary solution is to press something sterile and air tight against the puncture to help seal the lung from the outside. The downside is that you can also trap air in the chest cavity that causes other problems. Honestly, given the medical skills and tech available, being eviscerated with the spear would be plenty to kill T. Between the bleeding and almost inevitable sepsis as his bowels leaked into his abdominal cavity, this wound is a death sentence on it's own. You might decide to forego the chest shots for a less vital point if you want a slow send off like is written. (Well, that got dark) Moving on! Numb hands: I had assumed this was shock. Other than shock, the numbness could be from cold given the circumstances maybe? Bruising wouldn't make hands go numb, unless there was some pretty serious nerve damage, but the pressure that caused the bruising could cut off circulation (as you mentioned.) Not to harp on the same thing, but Adrenaline is mentioned again in this chapter, which is a bit current for IR's time period: "The adrenaline had departed..." Very powerful chapter! Everyone has covered the LBL and other points well, so I'll stick to my lane and just say it was a real page turner! Thanks for sharing!

I'll make good use of it, thank you! I love how straight forward it is as a guideline :-)

That seems smart, and also terrifying :-) Eight drafts seems like some serious wordsmithing. Thank you for sharing your process! I'm going to give this a shot, thanks! I think that's about where I live too :-) Clever, thanks! Yup, that's what I was doing while subbing on my most recent attempt. It was not going well. That would be great, thank you! I'm pretty sure I've listened to them, but a refresher never hurts! It seems like the really 'crunchy' ones take me more than one listen to get everything. Interesting. I'm still trying to improve my outlining skills so this might work on two levels for me. Thank you!

You've packed a lot of tone and expectations in a short space, well done! I don't read much stream punk, so maybe this is an accepted convention, but why would they have sails up if there is no wind and they are running an engine anyway? Sea going ships don't do this at least. Any comments I make.about ship/boat terminology are based purely on sea faring vessels. If this doesn't apply to airships, please feel free to ignor. Repetition of "pocketing the telescope" saying it and then describing it. "There were signs that it had been disturbed." Since this is at the beginning of a paragraph, the 'it' isn't immediately clear. "Like clockwork the crew followed his orders, and the ship..." it seems like this is referring to the tug, not the main vessel. As a rule, tugs are boats, not ships. To fit purpose, they typically have large engines for their size and are hyper buoyant in front so that they can effectively tow much larger vessels behind them without any problem. I'm having a hard time picturing how this translates into an airship style tug, but that may just be a personal problem. "W was no strange to man made..." no stranger Fun to read, thanks for sharing!

A question for all the multi-drafters out there who don't mind sharing their process: How do you start a radically new draft that still needs to hit roughly the same beats? Do you re-read the old draft before starting each section of the new, keep them side by side on screen, or reverse outline? Or options d-z? Any advice/tips are appreciated :-)

Things are heating up! High impact chapter. I had to re-read because I was missing things just to see what happened :-) A few things stood out: "Not strong enough" I didn't see why this line would deflate an angry Ir. Maybe "I love you", but that comes later. If anything, telling someone they aren't strong enough seems more likely to keep the argument going. I didn't quite follow Ir's logic for warning the BK. It seems like by now she would realize that he would put two and two together and realize where she had heard about the impending attack. This would put S and T directly in the line of fire and give the army time to set up to kill more rebels. The only way I could see for Ir to prevent the situation would have been to make it public, so that the palace knows there is an attack and the rebels know that the palace knows so they have time to call it off. It also seems like Ir knows the Rebels don't stand a chance of actually taking down the palace. So why is she worried about her music buddies, much less the BK and his empire? Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but it seem like so far we haven't seen anything from the Rebels that makes them seem overly competent or able to pull something like this off. Does Ir think they have powerful support from somewhere? Or maybe I'm over thinking this :-) Still loved the chapter!