shatteredsmooth

Content warnings: L, for some swearing. V because something tries to run someone over with a car near the end. Hi Everyone, I revised the earlier chapters so M shows more interest in T. My goal for this chapter was for her to seem more attracted to T and annoyed at Mi except for at the very begining and the end. Did I get that across? Does it seem more like a love-triangle now? The mark I'm trying to hit with the whole book is that Mel likes them both for different reasons, but Tasha offers escape and what Mel thinks of as a normal, human relationship and Mike keeps dragging her back to the supernatural. I'm open to whatever feedback you have. A few sections later in the chapter might seem rougher than the begining because of some last minute rewriting. Thanks! Sara Ch. 1 The night before classes start, M saves a guy from a Demon. Next day, she meets a cute girl (T) in class and realizes guy-she-saved is the TA (Mi). Ch. 2 (revised) M follows Mi, chats with him, reads his mind to find out he doesn't recognize her and talks to him way more than she planed. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate (A), and (T) Ch. 3 (revision ongoing) M meets Mi on a rooftop. Tasha has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm. M and T almost kiss. M heals T's arm, but messes up and uses too much energy. M flees to her room, but A has company. Ch. 4 (last time) M missed the masquerade because Mi's ghost hunter friends went missing. Turns out they summoned some demons. Mel almost died fighting them. (revising so the connection to Mi is clearer, M thinks about T more, and enjoys the fight [expanded with improved blocking] more before everyone gets hurt). Ch. 5 (this time): Mi says the ghost hunters are alive. M really just wants to cuddle T and eat pizza, but she has to make sure Mi doesn't die. Ch. 6 (next time). Information, bacon ice cream, fuzzy feelings, and hurt feelings.

I was thinking that might be the case. That makes sense too. Not having the same set of voices, they might have stronger fight instincts too as opposed to blend in and get away.

It was refreshing to get back to Re and see what he was up to. I liked the pacing and the tension throughout. In some parts of the middle, I kept questioning which people were Ari and which weren't. Later, you had name / name, which made it much clearer. I think if it were consistently written like that, at least when Re know who he was talking to, it would tighten things up a bit. The magi in this scene seemed to have easier time killing the Elg than other magi had. That was interesting. Seeing the Ari break cover was a great way to up the tension and danger. One of the things that surprised me about this chapter was that none of the Ari assassins shifted to look like the Elg as E had. It seemed to be the first thing all her voices thought of. I agree with Re that this won't be the end of those Ari. The Bl... actually seem to the most well equipped at fighting the Elg, aside from a group of Magi working together. I'm looking forward to reading more next week!

I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this chapter. I was engaged enough that I hardly made any notes, but the end just fell flat. The description of the house of time was fascinating. I LOVED how S's practice managing his anxiety actually helped him use the symphony time and the V and how he figured out something in a few minutes that his mentor and previous mentor hadn't figured out in decades or more. Seeing WW not be as all knowing as xy usually acts was very satisfying. However, at the end, I felt like I was missing something. Like it was building up to this big realization, but then what came didn't feel as big or important as I expected. I agree. Same. Me as well.

@CherishLarain That does help! Thank you! I wasn't planning on making this book into a series, and now that I'm thinking about it, I can only recall one standalone I read recently that had a love triangle. It was The Ninth Life by Taylor B. Barton. You're right that most are series. I don't remember if that had a full triangle that ever played out and I read the whole series when it was new. I'm attempting Romance-supernatural, which is new for me. But if it doesn't work I'm flipping it. Most of my books either don't have romance at all or have friends to lovers subplots, so making romance the A plot is a big switch. This is a great idea. I have something like that in the next chapter, but it's probably too little too late. Maybe it should be something that starts in Ch. 2 or 3. I notice in a lot of new queer YA, there are moments when the narrative almost seems to slow down for the characters to talk and/or think about their identities, but I can't recall it in adult. It might be good if I just treat this like YA in that regard since the mc is young and questioning. Plus, with the mc being a college freshmen, this is closer to YA than adult anyway. Thank you!

I feel like things are starting to move along! I liked the description of the castle and gate. After all the fear of this monarch, I liked seeing how inside the castle was not at all what I expected it would be, The new characters caught my interest. My own real issue is that I thinking about and rationalizing over the signing of this contract seems to go on too long. "T's rule had been echoed by..." So for someone reason, I thought the monarch before current one had been better, but he sounds worse. "avoid ever having to see the unicorn" Does she know he works for the king? I thought she didn't. Later lines imply she doesn't know. Or is she thinking this for some other reason. "...get back up, and keep going forward win..." Sounds like publishing. "...using telepathy for chatting was considered rude." LOLing at this because of my characters. "However, that didn't explain...Why not just bribe..." I feel like the internal thought have already been over this and is starting to get too long. Also, I didn't realize I couldn't read. I knew C couldn't. Maybe I had mixed them up? I'm looking forward to the next chapter! :-)

Yay! That is what happens in my head. I just am failing to show it on the page. I will definitely try to show it more in revision. Mi and M are both bi or pan and ace-spec. Even if it was just them and no triangle, it's still queer. Bi people don't always end up in same-sex relationships and it doesn't make them and their stories less queer. This is my first time attempting to write a love triangle, so I truely appreciate how you and the others are pointing out where M is not showing enough interest in the girls. As I revise, I am working on showing M show more romantic interest in the girls too. I am going to try and read more books with love triangles too. I think that well help. I've only read a handful because I've read too many tragic ones where they are resolved by people dying... Let me know if you have any recs for love triangle stories where no one dies.

I'll throw my name in for Monday May 25 if there is space.

There seemed to be a consensus about this in the other's feedback from the first three chapters. As I revise them, I'm trying to up the interest on M's side. I'll work on getting more of his character on the page. He puts up a tough front but is a lot softer than he appears. I'm also used to writing him through M's cousin's POV, and the cousin has a pretty different relationship with him. Once I get a better handle on how he looks from 18- y/o M's eyes, I think I'll be able to do write him better. I appreciate these kinds of comments about what you don't know from the connected books, because they will help me make this one stand alone better. When I'm working on this, especially on the lighter scenes, I get these random bursts of guilt about M when I think about her in this book versus how she is in the connected books that are set four years later and all the stuff that happens off page between them. It does take a toll on her. If you do read the connected books at some point, know they are a lot darker . Thankfully, there is similar event later in the book, which M does get to go to. Thank you @Snakenaps These comments are very helpful. I will definitely do this when I go back and revise. It seems pretty unanimous that it is necessary. Do you think I should write out the conversation? Phone dialogue can be hard to write because the mc can't see the other person, but it might allow for more development of his character and set up to tie everything back to him. Also, I'm hoping the revisions I made / am making to the first three chapters give readers a better grounding. I think this was a typo. @robinski and @TurinTurambar also mentioned it. I could include it. After reading a lot of the comments, I think maybe I left too much out in an attempt to make this fit into one chapter short enough to submit. I'll add a line to clarify that everyone was taking shifts keeping watch. Hers is almost over. Depending on her energy levels, sometime she can go a little longer without sleep than a human, but when her energy gets depleted, she sleeps a lot. Thank you everyone for the comments!

This probably has something to do with the near 2000 words I chopped out of the begining... I probably don't need to put all of them back, but I'm sure there is something I can use to make the begining smoother. This was kind of rushed at the end of Ch. 3, where she was talking to the girls about how her mom was really into cosplay until the mom's brother / Mel's uncle died and had hardly touched her cosplay stuff since. Ml had texted her Mom asking if she would make a costume. I'll work on that scene so it flows a little better into this one. Readers do not know this yet. Even people who read Power Surge wouldn't. He doesn't show until book 2 in that series. And now I'm laughing because even though him and M have a more or less decent relationship, E doesn't like him and calls him the arch <a word the forum won't let me type> hat. In Power Inversion, not this book. The Michael's don't share a connection. I just think its funny that likes a dude with the same name as her dad. I'm trying to figure out a way to make a joke about it. Tries to pretend they don't exist or tries very hard not think about them. I'll clarify. Yes, I believe you commented on it saying it was confusing or something. I think it had been a little rushed. LOL Sounds good! This is her maternal grandfather, the same one that is in Power Surge. I should be able to clarify with a few sentences. The dead son was M's mom's twin brother (M's uncle). He was briefly mentioned in Ch. 3, and there was a little bit about him I added to Chapter 2 after I revised. Yes, but I'm okay with that. M realizing she would've died if he hadn't showed up is has an impact on her arc in the next few chapters. I don't fully remember that conversation, but yeah. I feel like a handful of references are oaky, but I was worried I might have a little more than I get away with regarding the costume, especially where M's mom likes to coordinate the costumes with some trait or power the person has. I'm on the fence about this. Nope. Not at all. Getting M's mom to take out her cosplay stuff and make M the costume. This might have been glossed over too much at the end of three, and then cut too much from the begining of this chapter. Thank you @Mandamon and @Robinski! I held off on revising three based on last weeks feedback because I wanted to see how people reacted to this one and figure out what I needed to add to three to better set up for this. You gave me some ideas. :-)

Content Warnings for mild language and violence Hi All! We finally get some Demon hunting action in this chapter. It chapter was originally much longer, but I trimmed over 2,000 words, mostly from the begining. Are there places where things seem to rushed or sparse? Other areas that could be trimmed? I'm not sure sure if I really set up for this enough, so I am planning to drop a few hints in Ch. 3's rooftop conversation. I'm open to suggestions. Other than that, I don't have any specific questions. I'm open to whatever feedback you have, but don't stress too much about the grammatical stuff unless everything else about it really good (which probably isn't the case since it's an early draft). Thank you!! Recap Ch. 1 The night before classes start, M saves a guy from a Demon. Next day, she meets a cute girl in class and realizes guy-she-saved is the TA (Mi). Ch. 2 (revised) M follows Mi, chats with him, reads his mind to find out he doesn't recognize her and talks to him way more than she planed. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate, A, and the girl she met in class, T. Ch. 3 (last time -- revision in progress) M meets Mi on a rooftop. T has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm. M and T almost kiss. M heals T's arm, but messes up and uses too much energy. M flees to her room, but A has company. Ch. 4 (this time) M has big plans to go to a masquerade but Grandpa calls. He needs her help hunting Demons. And Mi's ghost hunter friends are missing. Ch. 5 (Next time): Exhaustion. Cuddling. Pizza. M cannot control her telepathy. Something tries to murder Mi.

Happy to hear it! Thank you!!

Chapter 4 is in a readable state and an acceptable length. Could I have a spot for Monday May 18, please? I know Ch. 3 needs a lot of work, but I plan to keep the structure the same, so I think it's best if I don't resub it and just keep moving forward.

Thanks! I have a novel and novella already published along with a handful of short stories, and two novels (including one mentioned above) scheduled to get published within the next year.

Today LGBTQ Reads hosted the cover reveal for my next book, Power Inversion! It's set in the same world as the Book of Mel, about four years later, written from Mel's cousin, Erin's POV. But Mel is in the book as one of the more prominent side characters. https://bit.ly/3fMlWL7

OK, you, @Mandamon and @Robinski win. I'll change to something more like, "M is too scrawny to cosplay as Cap" and she won't comment on Kirk.

Interesting! I'll have to check it out at some point.

I'll more carefully read and respond to the other comments later, when I come back to revise this chapter, but I just want to let you we are circling back to the hunting in chapter 4. As I'm getting it ready aka deleting half of it and rewriting it, I am thinking I will need to put some more set up for it in Ch. 3, which will hopefully be that reminder you need, that the monsters are out there. Thank you!

The first line got my attention in a "what did I just read" kind of way, which did make me want to read more. But then I read the second sentence, realized it was about childbirth, and was like "no, that's not how it works." @kais also commented on this. I'm not entirely sure how useful a detailed critique from me would be because of some personal reactions I had to the subject matter. I get weird feelings about stories so focused on babies and childbirth, and a majority of the specific notes I made while reading were based on those reactions, which were negative. i'm going to refrain from posting those because I don't really think they'll be useful. I also don't like stories where the mc dies in the end, but again, that is a personal preference, not a sign of a bad story. Being objective as I can, I'd say the change of attitude happened a little too quickly. It was obvious from the begining that it was going to happen, and then it felt rather rushed. The battle was very well written. I was engaged throughout the fight and could vividly picture everything. I didn't fully get the magic. It seemed like a small boost of energy for such a big price. I was thinking this too. This sounds spot on. Same. I'm sorry I couldn't offer a more detailed critique.

I liked having everyone together, and even though there were so many characters, I didn't get confused about what was going on. Seeing E and I arrive through R's eyes was great. The slow reveal of the diadem was well done too. I was a little surprised at the lingering fear R still had of the Ari, even when she knew it was I. It is hard to gauge her arc over this book and the others since there has been so much time between me those chapter and these. I loved how star struck O seemed at being invited to the Society. That was adorable! In that same scene where R was talking with G and K, I felt like I was missing so much information that was probably in some of the shorter pieces set in this world. There seemed such a history between R and G that I didn't fully know about or remember. With O and K, there was also a feeling of history, but I felt more in the loop with that since I read the story where young O had his misadventure with the hive. I'm wondering how the second chapter would seem from M's POV. R's POV is lacking some reactions in it. I went back and re-read page 27. E said she they needed to talk about the Ari in the other facet before talking about the Blessed assassins ones. But then there was a paragraph of R thinking about the diadem, and a shorter one about her fighting her prejudices for the Ari. The next one was E talking about the Ari assassins. On my first read, I thought she never actually said anything about the good Ari. On my second read, I guess I figured out the "Then she told them about..." implied she had told them about the Ari in the other facet. It felt like R's mind was just wandering and she wasn't really paying attention. As much as I liked being in R's POV to start, I really wanted to see M hearing about E's experience as an Elg. In general, I had been expecting the information she was able to give about that to be a big deal, to be particularly exciting to O and especially M, but the big reveal just kind of fell flat. "It took several minutes to calm down the flurry of questions..." This gives a vague sense of how crowd reacts, but I don't really care about the crowd. I want specific character reactions. I really want M's reaction, but I'd settle for more reaction from R. What does she think of her apprentice having spent time as one of the E? I want to know that right away, before we get to any mention of the crowd. P is the first one to speak. I don't even fully remember who P is. That is followed by O seeming defeated when I though he'd be fascinated. And they move on, rather quickly, to more general strategy. I was expecting this reveal to have more impact, but it felt brushed over or rushed, which left me disappointed. While I had no problem following the planning that came next, it did seem to be a flurry of it, and as it got closer to end, was purposely leaving out details, I'm assuming so the reader is surprised later, to create suspense. I keep going back and forth between whether or not I like it as is or think it needs to be shortened. Overall, I'm excited to have so many characters together and am excited to find out what happens next.

Again, much improved from the previous version. I felt like being in the diadem was better. I liked the flow of it and the information it revealed. I didn't make any notes as I read through, which usually means I am engaged and enjoying the story enough that my brain is forgetting I'm supposed to be critiquing. The one thing that left me a little confused was the scene with them making the portal. That was a little fuzzy. I'm also concerned that they don't have any plan or means of communication for reconnecting. What if S goes back to his facet just as the twins portal back to the other one? As I'm typing this, I'm thinking there may have been one or two places where I thought we were in S's POV before remembering it was I, but of course I forgot to mark them because I was caught up enough in the story to just want to keep reading.

The first time I read this chapter, it was one of my favorites, and I liked it better this time. Having just one chapter of this worked great! I loved the tension and conflict when the other Ari voices were trying to take over her notes, and how she asserted herself and won control over them. As I read: "The voices inside her head had made her shift form." Had this happened last time? It startled me a little this time. "had taken converted too many" Either there is an extra word or a missing word. "but she forced her leg to churn forward" In this section, from the running to the fighting the Elg, I was having trouble picturing how much she had changed and how much of the Elg form she had retained. Otherwise, I thought this chapter was fantastic!

Great idea!! This would also work well if you showed her showing up to the previous job and getting turned down. I think that would work for me. Followed you on Instagram! Your art is amazing!

There was some good emotion in the opening. Knowing that she is being summoned to the palace gives me promise something is going to happen. The conversation with her friend was nice-- and would work if he ends up being a significant character not necessarily if he leaves and has no further role in the book. The interview has potential though, if you upped I's reaction, had her thinking how different it was from other interviews. Maybe the interviewer might ask more political questions if she is a spy trying to figure out if she could bring I. And maybe there could be more suspicion on I's part? And then when she comes back and finds the store gone, even more suspicion. Then goes home and finds she's been summoned and wonders if it is connected. No, don't do this. You are in Ch. 4, so I think it might actually be okay to have a chapter or scene from a different characters point of view if that point of view is going to be a key part of the book. However, it really irks me when omniscient narrators are in one POV in one paragraph, and then a different one in the next. Granted, that is a personal preference. Anyway, I suggest you either do at least a whole scene or don't switch. I kind of want to see the last time she went to start work and the person had "seemed particularly flighty." So my thoughts might be -sketchy reasons for not getting the job, leaving I feeling really down -up the weirdness and suspicion in the interview. Don't make I seem dumb, but make I seem more paranoid. -maybe I could even mention the paranoia to the friend if you keep that part -then home and boom, summons, and oh no, was that last interviewer actually one of the kings spies? moment. Now I'm going to go see what the other's suggested. :-)

Me too! I have seedlings in my little greenhouse right now, and here are a couple pictures of last years garden. It gets very chaotic at the end of the summer, but most plants more or less survive. The last picture is the butternut squash that decided to climb my rain barrels. It almost made it to the garage roof.