Mandamon

Hi @Demiurgess and welcome to Reading Excuses! I heard you're familiar with @Robinski ;-)

Yay! Thanks for posting this, and feel free to ask any questions about the Kickstarter. We have some great books coming out!

Epigraphs are the little snippets that come before the chapter starts. It's a good way to sneak in worldbuilding.

Very nice rewrite! I was sucked into this, but to have the same concerns as the others, mainly that there are a few confusing aspects of the adoption vs. family, and the narrative is more slice of life. I don't think that's a big issue though, especially for a YA book. With a little more explanation of why the event at the end are so important, I think this will work nicely. Right now I'm definitely drawn in, and want to find out more about what R's deal is, and why her mother is so afraid. Maybe even a couple mentions of worldbuilding facts through the first chapter, or an epigraph at the beginning that gives a little more info? Note wile reading: pg 1: I like that we get right in the magic on the first page. pg 3: This is a lot better than the previous version I read! However watch your comma usage. There are a lot of sentences where there's a breath, but no comma. There are also some sentences that should have a period instead of a comma. pg 4: Nice! We immediately get tension and conflict, and a reason for R to change and grow. pg 6: "were both of Ancestor blood" --might need a little unpacking here, since you've noted R is adopted, but now she and her brother have different fathers. pg 9: "The book had been right there- the record of where she came from!" --might need some more reaction or explanation here. She seems unsurprised that she might learn new information from a dream. Is this something that can happen in this world? pg 10: "Who knows what he’ll bring in… and from where.” --Is this C speaking? Unclear. pg 11: Good first chapter! Nice expectations, and the questions draw me in and make me want to read the next one.

Nice wrapup! I think you really hit the making up/resolution conversations well in your writing, and this has several of those. I think the fight with C might have ended a little to suddenly? Not sure. The ritual also went on a little too long in my opinion. Very much like wedding vows, though. N had a good revelation/resolution, but I don't quite feel that W did. She was still questioning until the end, which makes me doubt her commitment some. Can there be something else that gives her confidence in this? Looking forward to the last part! Notes while reading: pg 1: "Even though I’m bound, I’m freer now." --nice resolution for N. It's been a long time coming! pg 3: "and after that I’ll find ways to serve you" --So C is really the main villain after all that time! I think this works. She's very manipulative. pg 3: "“And there’s the opening I was looking for." --This is N talking, right? Unclear. pg 4: "finding loopholes around staying out of the conflict" --I think we need a reminder of H's promise to understand the difficulty. pg 4: "Waving their daggers around wards off the vines," --This is vague. Can they do something more active? pg 5: “Even if not by choice. So I don’t have to kill you. Good thing, since he hates seeing violence. Could yourself lucky.” --Again, I think we need a repetition of the promise, so we know exactly how H got around it --Also, "Count yourself lucky" pg 5: "glaze over in an instant, and she drops to the ground" --This is very sudden. Even if someone's heart stops, won't it take a couple seconds for them to lose consciousness? pg 6: "who gets lightheaded and goes weak in the knees when I see blood" --was this a plot point before? If so, I think it need to be bigger to resonate here. pg 6: "even though that’s what she deserves" --causally talking about desecrating a corpse is pretty cold. pg 7: "today was a bloody day. I’m sure that will hit me later" --yeah, I think the last few chapters need some more reflection on this. pg 10: "Trust. After everything, he still trusts me." --Really nice resolution through here. pg 10: "“I swore to stay away from the village until I was reasonably sure the situation had resolved." --ah. Yes, need this up front. pg 13: “What were the challenges you needed to overcome for you to get to where you are now?” --This might be getting a little long for the ritual? It's also starting to sound more like marriage vows. pg 14: “The ritual is finished,” --It is sort of a shame we don't get to see N's side of this as well. pg 14: "The bond N and I formed was strong enough for the ritual to work." --This is interesting, and maybe slightly off? N is confident of himself after his revelation, but W still needs the ritual to work to assure her.

Hey--time to post this again! It's the second year of the Space Wizard Science Fantasy Kickstarter! We're about 40% funded so far, but still need a lot more backers, so please check it out! @kais, @Robinski, @Silk, @shatteredsmooth, @JWerner, and @Cathy Lim are all featured in the campaign for various books, including our new anthology, Lofty Mountains, which also has a story by Seanan McGuire! https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/spacewizard/space-wizard-science-fantasy-year-2

Almost to the end! I've had a lot of fun reading through this one, and I'm interested to see what you're planning to do with it afterward. Not really a lot wrong with this one. Things are falling into place. The one shaky spot is that I feel like N is both particularly dense here and also too easy to convince. That might mean there needs to be a little more setup earlier with him really emphasizing he'd never kill, or something like that. Something to make it really surprising yet inevitable with his confrontation with A. Aside from that, looking forward to the next ones! Notes while reading: pg 2: "Oh. That’s… a good question." --Yeah, N is not coming across as too smart in these last couple chapters. pg 4: N confronting his memories of C seems maybe a little too easy? Yes, he's obviously being manipulated, but I feel like if so he might need a little more help to get all the way there? pg 5: "and then the wolf goes scampering off." --why is this? A jumped in front of a bullet but is scared by a second one? pg 6: "can’t be killed by regular bullets." --ok N, you finally got there... pg 7: “Is that how you’re going to say after killing me?” --something missing here pg 9: "You didn’t mean to do that, did you?" --this paragraph is a bit awkward. It's a bit of tell instead of show, when we should have it drilled into us that N would never take a life so it plays out by itself. pg 12: "I’m still frozen in shock" --I'd think W is getting used to it after to many deaths and violence this day. pg 12 "It’s showtime." --Hopefully C doesn't have a gun too...

I'd maybe just mention it in passing. Everyone's tucked away in their houses, or they're purposefully keeping so far away they can't hear any incriminating screams (or gunshots), or something like that.

I think most everything works here. The toxic relationship is very toxic, but hopefully anyone reading this would understand that as well. My main issue at this point is that I don't really have enough information about the villains and why they're doing this. A says he wants the magic of the land to make medicine, but will do anything to get it. That one's pretty good, but I don't know why he wants to make medicine. Just profit? Does he want to help someone specific? I don't know what A.J. wants, really. There seem to be a lot of factions in the village as well, although a lot of people just got killed off. Setting up the three factions a lot clearer at the beginning will help things. Also, it occurs to me that we haven't really seen the inhabitants of the village. We've seen the people in control. Wouldn't there be a big audience for the ritual? What are the rest of the villagers doing while multiple gunshots go off? Still very interested in the story though! Notes while reading: pg 1: “It’s been tough without you.” --barf. pg 1: "the bad thoughts away." --*go* away pg 3: “Can I do anything to be more attractive to you?” --stop talking? pg 4: well, that escalated quickly. These people don't seem to care about murder much. pg 7: "“Your vows,” I say." --Huh, okay, yes ridiculous, but you hung a lantern on it. I think that works! pg 9: nice chapter. Things are falling into place. pg 10: "As a full human with no magic" --wait, C is full human? I think that got lost somewhere. I'm wondering how/why she can be in charge of the village then. pg 11: “I appreciate how much effort you put in for my sake,” I say. --There is something deeply wrong with these people. I wonder if we need a little more reason why the entire village seems to be sociopaths? As well as the government agency? I think a little more depth to the villains might help make their case. pg 13: The top few paragraphs here are confusing. I still don't really remember who's affiliated with what and why A is different than A.J. It's connected to the note above, because I don't know what each side wants out of things. That means it's hard to follow the secondary characters as well, and who they're allied with. pg 14: “Good work stalling her,” --I mean...the characters are also getting cleaned out pretty quickly too... pg 15: Everyone's in the same place!

This had some good movement to it, and we learn some interesting things about B. I like W's little revelation. That's something I like in general about this book: people don't wallow in their errors forever. They make decisions and realize how they can change. I'm still getting a little mixed up on characters, now everyone's in play. Especially with who is who's child and how the three (four?) factions relate to each other. Having a little more setup earlier in the book would help. I can feel things wrapping up, though! How many more submissions do you estimate? Notes while reading pg 1: "makes them sound closer to a plea than a threat" --Why desperation? She seems to be fine with murder. Is there a reason she won't do it to W? pg 2: "But I can’t let myself get stuck on that" --Again, B flat out murdered someone, and they seem to be glossing over it. pg 2: "Sure, she killed F in cold blood" --not really a "sure" kind of statement... pg 3: “Then let me help you escape your father.” --okay, slightly confused on genealogy here, likely WRS. B is sibling to N and H, but by a different father? She's A.J.'s daughter, yes? but why did their mother shack up with him? pg 5: "put on that ridiculous outfit and style himself as a colonial explorer" --definitely need more background on A and the organization here. I'm getting a little lost with the details. pg 7: “Good thing I made it in time.” --could be a stronger end to the chapter. He was just there, right? So he probably wasn't too far away when W was freed. Maybe something like, "Good think I didn't go far?"

Really interesting chapters! Feels like things are coming to a head. No really comments on the first chapter. I think it's good to know what happens, but it's also not that important. It's something that could potentially be edited out and rolled into an explanation later on, if needed. I think almost everything works on the "going wrong" portion of things. Two places where I had a little trouble: 1) B murdered someone last chapter and now N is just taking her word. They've repeated a lot that they can't lie, but N also knows how that works. He knows the truth can be twisted. Maybe one more try/fail cycle in there to really convince him that B is presenting the facts accurately? W also doesn't really show herself well at this point. She's also just seen someone murdered, so maybe she's in shock? I would think she would protest a little more, though. 2) The agency vs. the Arch family. I think there needs to be a little more buildup earlier in the story about how they are different and if they have different aims. They're now being pitted against each other and I'm not sure if it's a betrayal by one of the other, or if they've always been at odds. Having some more background would be nice. Looking forward to the next one! Notes while reading: pg 3: okay, I think I actually like H for once. pg 3: Nothing really to comment on with chapter. It's short and to the point. pg 5: I'm interested where B fits into all of this and what leverage she has. pg 6: "A was the one who had her spend time with you." --I think some WRS on my part. I'd actually forgotten this. Maybe have a reminder sometime in the last couple chapters from W's POV so it's in the reader's mind? pg 7: "The way you got through to An and H was incredible" --okay, good reference on this one, especially since it was quick on W's part. But she was never really a negotiator in the early parts of the book, was she? pg 9: "After all, C is as good as I’ll get." --Oof. N really is damaged. I think having his POV here gives us some good insights into that. --on the other hand B just straight up murdered someone. I feel like that should factor into things more. pg 9: "I don’t bother looking for a response " --yes, but W probably makes some sound or action, right? Does he hear anything as he walks away? Is there a protest? pg 9: "I bite my lip. B killed C’s mother. " --hmmm...a bit of plotfulness here. I get N is pretty damaged and pliable, but a lot of things just aren't adding up. Wouldn't he say what happened? pg 10: "“Agent J brought me here saying that we’re working together to defeat A.” --I wonder if we need a little more information on each agency before this point? I wasn't honestly sure that the agency and Arch. weren't the same thing. pg 11: "but being with someone who makes me uncomfortable is better than being alone" --is it, though?

I'd say if you want to look at using this character, there's plenty of space to without drawing too much conflict with people with disabilities. I'd look to how Black Bolt is portrayed in Marvel for one. He has a powerful voice and can't speak or he'll kill people. So he's another one who much choose whether to speak or not.

Really great to see N and W back together. I have some notes below on the romance scene. I think it could definitely be expanded a little, just to give some more detail past simply kissing. It would be good to know what N's thoughts are on how far he's willing to go, maybe earlier in the book? The next chapter is mostly setup for the big reveal at the end, but I'm eager to see what happens next! Notes while reading: pg 2: "We think the Aegis killed your aunt" --I'm wondering if we should know a little more about them by now? All we know is they're some shadowy government-associated organization. pg 3: "But is it selfish of me to hold N back?" --hold him back from what? Is there something in the Fey realm for him? pg 6: there's a bit of a question here whether W is deliberately using sex (or physical contact in some form) as a bargaining tool to keep N here. I guess I don't really know where N falls in that range, and if this is an effective strategy, but it can get into questionable morals. pg 8: "I’m ready to make you happy again" --this phrase is used several times. I'm not sure of the target age group for this book, but that can be taken...er...several ways. But that's in contrast as all they seem to be doing is kissing and touching each other's hair. Basically being "good" with their hands and not going anywhere else. It seems at least like one of them might ask about or confirm that's what they're doing. pg 12: “That’s the spirit. We’ll be stronger by working together.” --great conversation through here. One of the themes I really like about this book is that they characters talk to each other about their problems and actually come to resolutions. pg 13: "F catches up to us" --I was a little confused through here. I thought they were talking with F at first, and wondering why she was catching up. I think just a little clarity on the blocking. pg 14: "We don’t want to draw any more Aegis attention with violence" --but they're planning to kill of of it's members? pg 16: Aha! Great swticheroo. Sorry to see F go, though...

I agree with @Ace of Hearts on this one. I was seeing a lot of overlap with disability in this one, and M basically saying he couldn't have a full life because he didn't speak. Pulling a bit more of the powers aspect in earlier, or at least hinting at it, will give us more tension and potentially avoid that touchy subject. That will also give you some words to add, helping to explain why he is how he is, without revealing everything. Notes while reading: pg 1: "missed that part of his life, or what that part of it could have been like." --Is this because he signs instead of speaks? Because that's not really an impediment to having a relationship... pg 2: "It would be one thing if he physically couldn’t talk" --I'd just be careful where you land on this story between implying that someone who doesn't speak can't have a full life, and whether M is just avoiding that part of life because he thinks he can't. pg 4: ok, the payoff at the end made M's decisions make more sense, but I still don't see why he excludes himself from daily life. Does he think he can't control not speaking? If so, it would be good to add something about that near the beginning. Right now, I wasn't expecting any powers until they showed up, so hinting more at that will give us more tension.

I didn't make any notes on this one as I read. It went quick, and nothing obviously wrong. It was light and enjoyable. However, I think @Ace of Hearts has some good points. I had a fair bit of WRS as well, since it's been a while since we read some of this. On the tension side, maybe a restatement of the objective near the beginning? I recall the last chapter was at the warehouse, so I also lost the thread a little starting out back at a house. Even something like "it was time for my X o'clock meeting with C on Y Z." On the hook side, There's obviously something going on with the weight of the D's, but the chapter ends before we get any further development. I assume that's coming later, but maybe D can make some guesses, even if they're wrong? This isn't the same case with grandma, is it? I can't remember the reason she's being asked to investigate this one. A restatement of that would also help. So basically, some clarification on deductions and goals, but overall it reads smoothly.

Similar thoughts on this submission as the last one. Both of these are sort of "let's fix the secondary characters." It works better with A, because we've seen their relationship before. With H, it's very much as if she's unlocking NCP dialogue. Then there's a big switch back to plot in the next chapter with a bunch of different characters showing up again. I wonder if the last few chapters could be restructured so all these things are happening in parallel? Then W can work a little with A, some with H, maybe get a communication from G that they're coming back, and so on. It might work more organically and hide some of the "NPC unlock" dialogue. Notes while reading: pg 1-2: Yep, so this also is setting up to treat a character relationship like a task to do. Yes, it's helping them, but the whole arc here is making the other characters happier, which usually comes around organically in a story as people get to know each other better. pg 4: The progression with A last chapter felt more natural, as he and W dated before. W aggressively trying to "help" H here seems different, like that's the plot that she needs to follow now. pg 6: "So it’s weird seeing all three of you… notice me so much." --this just seems...strange. I'm not sure why. Like H's personality is to be gruff and not really talk with anyone else. He even mentions that he doesn't make friends quickly. But then he is with W. pg 10: Good information through here, and I'm glad someone is finally explaining things. However, I'm not sure why H is doing so. We don't know enough about him yet to know why he's so gruff all the time, and why W was able to change him. Now he's all chatty and expository. pg 11: “Haven’t gotten all of the NPC dialogue out of me yet?” --Okay, I was actually going to make a comment about how it seems W did the right quest bits to get H to talk. That's part of what seems off about this chapter. --Also, where is A the whole time? pg 13: “Not an attack,”...“But they are planning to head over and assess the situation.” --This chapter seems disconnected from the last two, like W has fixed her friends so now the plot can progress. Do we know what A&J's aims are? We don't know much about them. pg 15: Ah, good! N's back.

Similar thoughts to @Silk on this one. I think this section can still work, but it's got it's own little mini-arc that isn't really tied to the rest of the book. Having some sort of crossover, even behind the scenes (like N understands these relationships need to happen before he and W can be happy, or something like that) will help connect this to the main plot more. Right now it reads as little like W's catching up on tasks while waiting for N to get back. A is there, so she's fixing him first, and then will (I assume) move on to H. Agree with this. Why is is such a secret? Notes while reading: pg 4: This is an interesting development with A, but it's definitely not the main theme of the book. It's a good character building section, but I worry that it's slowing things down a bit. pg 5: still not a lot going on that isn't just character building through here. Can there be something else to progress the plot as well? pg 7: Some good character realizations again. This whole section has good progression, but only on A and W, which I wasn't really thinking as the main theme of the story. pg 11: "Once this is over, the three of us can be the friend group" --I think this gives a good motive to everything that's going on in this chapter. Like I said above, it's good character development, but if it could be also tied into the rest of the book, or make W's directive to help the others more pressing (maybe even related to the magic in some way?) then it gives more of a reason for it.

Interesting read! Yes, the absence of N is definitely noticeable. If it's not for too many chapters, I think it's ok, but I wouldn't go too long. These were very much "assembling the team" sort of chapters. It's sort of weird that W is collecting all the secondary characters--it seems a little plotful. I'll be interested to see how the next submission goes. It was fun to develop the other characters a little, but as this is a romance story of sorts, not having the primary couple both in the story is a little weird. I wonder if we can see a little of N in these chapters, maybe in a quick check-in or something? Notes while reading: pg 1: "Walking barefoot all of the way " --Wait, why is she barefoot again? pg 3: H seems pretty self-sufficient. I'm not sure why W feels the need to protect him. pg 3: "What’s his game, then?" --It seems a little weird that they sensed the agent. Is he magical or something? Hugo I might understand, but I'm not sure why he's creeping around in the bushes... pg 5: Yes, everyone is trying to stay calm here, but I wonder if Mom might show a little more surprise or emotion? pg 5: "no offense" --H says this a lot. Always where it means the opposite. pg 6: Did we know about H's mom and F both being trans before? No judgement on that, but I'm not sure why it's coming up now. pg 8: I think this chapter is a good sequel to the last chapter, taking account of everything that's happened. It doesn't leave a strong direction for what's coming next however, and H doesn't really get any more likeable. It sort of ends on a down tension beat, which makes it a natural stopping point. This may be some of what other readers are responding to. pg 10: What relation to who is B, again? We may need some reminders now there are so many fey characters running around. pg 14: So W is starting her own little fey boarding house now? I'm still not quite sure where this is heading. It's a bit of a switch for W, and this is starting to feel like a second story. pg 17: "because this is where I have a real chance to make a difference." --I can see where people got frustrated with this part. Depending on how many chapters we get before seeing N again, the relationship dynamic starts to get a little weird through here. W is gathering the secondary characters, but I'm not really sure enough of the overarcing plot that I know why we're focusing on them. Will we get a POV for N? Seeing them both working toward their goals might be fun, but only sticking with W leaves out part of the story.

I thought the emotion was great through this whole section. The beats land well for N, A, and W. The werewolf part I did not see coming, but gives an interesting twist to what comes next! Speaking of which, this seems like the end of act 1 of the story. I was not expecting N and W to get separated, so I'm wondering how that will affect the next section, as I really like their chemistry. I'm still not sure where the story is going overall, whether we're going to have two different plotlines inside and outside the fey realm, or what. Definitely still engaged with the story and looking forward to what comes next. Note while reading: pg 2: “But you are right,” she says, “That I must capture you.” --unclear on who this is. I thought just A, but it seems like the whole group maybe? pg 3: "she shifts her weight to her shoulder and rams into me" --I think technically, "she shifts her weight and her shoulder rams into me" since you can't really shift your weight to a shoulder. pg 3: "Within seconds, hair starts to grow on A's face." --Whaa...was not expecting that. pg 3: "can’t be killed without a silver bullet" --who said anything about killing? And does anyone here have a silver bullet? pg 4: "the day after when I ignored H. the next day" --some repetition. Also ick. pg 4: “I’m never letting you control me again.” --oh good. pg 4: "a study stance" --not sure what this is. pg 5: "spite is the better of two evils." --Not a great look for N, though. I've never seen him as spiteful. pg 7: Good chapter. Nice to see N stepping up. pg 7: "useless dress shoes." --repetition. pg 7: "followed by her running back off" --awkward. pg 12: Great character section through here, though it feels a lot like an ending! Not sure where the story is going after this, but I'm interested to see!

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I think the pace here is great for this point in the book. I feel like this is about halfway through, at which point the story should switch from "the monster chases us" to "we chase the monster." There are a couple places where I was confused what W knows vs. what N knows. Might be WRS, or might be the story. I don't think anything happens too quickly, but just make sure W has all the facts she needs for this chapter. Especially at the end, there are a lot of names thrown around and I'm not sure W would know who all those people are. Overall, I liked these chapters! We get good character development in the interrupted dance, and some good plot progression. Notes while reading: Pg 3: Good reveal through here. Makes sense with N doesn't want anything to do with his family and the village. I'm interested to learn what the effect was of what happened. Hopefully it was big, for the sacrifice. pg 4: "It’s hard not to get pulled in by the sparkles" --So does he have some sort of physical or genetic attraction to glitter? Or just that he really likes it? pg 7: “Then you shouldn’t have done a backflip,” --er, yep. I'm wondering what/why he's showing off here. pg 7: “It, er, might not be a girl I’m interested in, though. I’m, uh, bi.” --I think it says something to the story that I wasn't even surprised by this. Or has he said it before? pg 10: Good dance scene, and some nice awkward teenager stuff. pg 11: Aha, and now on to plot! pg 12: "So Ar does have someone like me with him to pass through the boundary." --This threw me for a minute, but I guess it makes sense. pg 12: “I’m sorry to cut this short" --wait, shouldn't N be coming along? He's sort of central to this. --Ah, A answers this later. pg 14: "Even wearing running gloves" --Was this stated before? I don't remember it coming up. pg 14: “You’re a fairy, aren’t you?” --ahem, he already said he was bi... ;-) pg 15: “You already took me there, didn’t you?” --Wait, I thought she knew this already. Didn't they visit the village? pg 16: “And she told me that I was a victim of that incident too.” --It's not really that big a reveal just for N to say he knows Aunt H. Was there more to this? pg 17: "What I’m trying to figure out is why you’re taking this well" --I thought W knew most of this by now? Didn't she hear how the attack went previously? Or am I confusing N and W POVs? pg 19: "the woman I don’t recognize says" --Bit of a blocking issue through here. How many women are there? I thought the one W didn't recognize was N's mother? --Oh, it's F. Okay. Maybe just clarify how many people in the first description. pg 19: “We’ll make sure she doesn’t,” B says." --who is this? pg 20: good reveal at the end! I like A a lot more this time around.

Similar thoughts to @Silk and @ginger_reckoning on this one. I don't think it's too slow, and I agree the emotional side of the relationship can be brought out some more. Both N and W often act very logical when confronting complex emotional decisions, and while it's refreshing to see that, some more emotion, or at least consequence would be good. I'll also second what Silk said about there not being any real response to W disobeying her amma. Notes while reading: pg 2: I'm not sure what all is bothering me about this. I think it's that the "nefarious" plan isn't very evil? The person who has feelings for another person has to...keep having those feeling to heal their mother. I'm sure there's more to it, but I want some other hint of the real problem here. pg 3: “Oh, there’s still anxiety for us aroace people." --I wonder if we can have a little more about how mom and amma's relationship works? Since it is tied directly to the story and isn't a very common pairing, it might be good to give a little more about how they function together. pg 6: This is another very carefully laid out interaction between W and N. While I like how direct it is, it's definitely not the norm for teenagers. Both parties ask about things in a very logical manner which...is not what teenagers generally do. pg 7: “If you ever want to date, I’ll do what I can to make you happy.” --this sounds very clinical... pg 8: Aha. Glad they're starting to see more of each other's story. pg 10: "My village and people like me who are born there aren’t normal." --compared to what? They both already know about magic, but people are people, right? pg 10: okay, are they playing Everdell or Root? pg 14: Not quite sure what I think of the last page or so. This might be another too little and too much information parts. Amma has a lot of information about the village, which makes it sound like they know what's going on. So if their child is in danger, wouldn't it make sense to tell them who exactly to avoid and why? This is similar to the magic conversation earlier, where it's hard to rationalize amma keeping W in the dark. pg 15: “And I can’t let myself fall in love with you,” I say. “As much as I want to. Nobody wins if I get sucked further into this.” --This is again all very clinical. Teenagers for the most part have very little control on their emotions, autistic or not. pg 16: I like that they're going to the dace. That gives a little more of the "danger" side of making emotional decisions.

I think your characters are enjoyable to read, and have good motivations, but I'm having trouble following a lot of the plot of the story. For example, I keep being surprised when high-velocity vehicles are mentioned, as most of what we see is in a camp with relatively low technology. I'm also not sure if they're a space-faring people, or if this is warring countries, or even cities. This chapter we finally get a connection with B to some people in power, but I still don't know what they do or how the world works. Having a chapter near the beginning to help lay out what people do and what sort of lives they lead might help. Notes while reading: pg 2: there seems to be a lot of import happening here, but I'm not sure what it is. pg 3: "the later they would remember they had an audience." --is she hidden in some way? how did she get into this meeting between heads of state? pg 3: "if they even remembered she " --ok, so they know she's in here. Does she have some invitation? There are only four people in this room total. pg 4: Ah, finally some connection! So B is the nephew of some sort of ruler? I still don't really understand what's going on in the larger picture. pg 5: "You must have had a long journey" --Ah, so L is there for some reason. Having some hint of this before now will help. pg 7: “I have a few questions about M" --I'm still really hazy on all the people names and places. I think they need to be explained more so the reader remembers them.

Similar comments to the others. I'm not quite sure what either of these chapters add. There's a whole other society here not related to the plot we've seen so far, and I don't have a good enough grasp on the characters to know what they're doing. I can tell there's a lot of great worldbuilding going on behind here, but I don't know people's reasons for what they do. Focusing on the characters first and bringing out a little more of their wants and goals will help tell the reader how the worldbuilding fits in. Notes while reading: Ch 2: I'm not sure what was changed here, but I'll keep reading and see what pops up. pg 7: ok, so I see how this ties in with the prologue... pg 9: It seems like a large secondary story is being introduced here, when I haven't quite got the gist of the first story yet. pg 10: There's a lot of new tech and places/people going on here. pg 13: I'm not quite sure what's happening here. There's a lot of walking around and trying to get into places, but I don't know who L is or what her objective is. pg 15: So the end reveal doesn't really work here, because I don't know anything about these people or what the title means. He's some sort of important person that is helping another person into a chamber, but the people and places are so different from the rest of the story I'm confused.

Similar comments to the others. I think the biggest thing lacking here is the big push into the second act. A has been pretty passive, and that continues with his meeting with O. He's concerned about getting hurt, but then nothing happens. He's given a chance to act freely in the city, but I don't really know what he would do. Having something big that he's aiming for will help a lot with the second act. pg 1: probably WRS, but was C mad at A? Also, I'm still not sure what they're going to do with the chickens. pg 7: "when they talked about tools and pawns." --I think the poppy growing was a good demonstration, but I'm starting to get a little lost on what the objective is for this chapter. Taking A to this place seems a little disconnected from the rest of the story so far. A thinks he might be in danger, but it's just a demonstration of his powers. pg 8: “You’re not hurt, are you?” --I think if there was a more salient threat in the meeting, this would resonate better. pg 10: "She is the best we have, so you don’t have to worry about being found out.”" --Ah, this is where this is going. It think it needs a little prefacing near the top of the chapter that A is concerned about going out, or being used, or something. pg 11: "He was certainly putting up with a lot to achieve his goal." --Which is what exactly? pg 13: "It was odd, trusting a relative stranger with information that so far he had only told C" --This seems odd, telling someone about a powerful secret that is the key to his uniqueness. Doesn't he need to keep this silent? pg 14: "And he did. Miracles flowed through the city like water onto dry, cracked ground." --so is his goal just to heal people here? I'm missing the larger picture of how this will affect the story in the long run. Especially as this is going into the second part, having a stronger objective will help. Edit: Not sure why this was marked as a spoiler...