Appol PhD

All right, looking forward to starting this with no preconceptions! Overall: There were a lot of parts here that I enjoyed, especially some of the snappy short lines that highlight the chaos. On a line level this reads quite well (which makes sense since it’s a revision; good job), and most of my comments are about the larger story structure. I think the main thing missing here is narrative cause and effect. It feels like the assassin who’s powerful for unexplained reasons just so happens to go after the king now and C just so happens to feel vulnerable because of a past family tragedy and then loses another family member. Since we’re on a Brandon Sanderson fansite I’m guessing there’s a good chance you’ve read The Way of Kings opening, and this reminded me of the prologue with Szeth (apologies if you haven’t read it and this makes no sense lol). Here are some boxes that prologue checks that I think this opening could benefit from (or at least should have a reason for not doing so): -We know why Szeth is powerful (honorblade) -We know how Szeth got here (bound to obey oathstone orders) -We understand why the assassination is happening now (negotiations look good with a new treaty but something happened for the Parshendi to want him assassinated) -We understand the broader political implications for the assassination going through (treaty breaking down leading to war) These give the narrative internal logic and help raise the stakes, particularly the why now question that I think this opening chapter needs. As I go: Pg 1. A couple things right off the bat—it feels like the situation is a bit stagnant since he’s just musing to himself, and we get a feel for his emotional state but not really the conflict or stakes Pg 3. It takes a while for us to get into C’s head here, and a dream sequence is always going to be a bit of a tough sell. I don’t know how much of this is real, and it stalls the setup with the assassination in a way that feels more like exposition than fleshing out character dynamics since we don’t know how much of this is relevant (also I do think I’ve read an earlier draft of this but my memory for stories isn’t great so I’m still basically going in blind lol) Pg 6. The first two pages set this up from an external plot perspective, and I like the attempt at connecting it to C’s emotional state with her needing her dad. I think what I need is for her emotions here to be pointed and have pressing stakes even before the assassination for this to work. Pg 7. I think the story also needs to justify C’s PoV for this assassination here. Right now it feels like we don’t have to see this from her perspective. Pg 10. C didn’t strike me as someone who would be trained in throwing knives—potential to expand the worldbuilding here?

Excited to dig in! Overall: I appreciate the ambitious attempt to play with narration here, but I don’t think it quite sticks the landing. It doesn’t feel important to the story that god’s narrating it, and it doesn’t feel important that he’s jumping in now specifically. Aside from that, I think my main issue is that we still don’t have enough substance on the conflict with PU. As in, we’ve known there’s probably something sinister but there’s nothing that’s really concrete or complex to actually grapple with, including while F is actively trying to chase and kill them. As I go: Pg 1. I like the idea here but it feels jarring. I think the issue is there’s no real narrative cause and effect—even intentionally jarring interruptions should have some rhyme or reason. I think either the narration needs to lead up to this in some way or this should be in an appendix at the end. Pg 2. Another issue I’m having is that it doesn’t feel like there’s a hook/conflict/stakes for the narrator’s role in the story rn Pg 6. The main conflict I’m getting is A finally realizing S is gone. For the focus on L, I’m going to need some more justification from the story. Pg 8. I do think it’s good to experiment with different styles of narration in early drafts but to be frank these interruptions are more frustrating than anything else. Pg 11. If L was trying to get away from WB to begin with, why wouldn’t she take the opportunity to scram? Pg 12. It has been set up that there’s some conflict between B and PU, and I think my issue is that we don’t have the hints as to why there’s conflict Pg 13. The mage back and forth is also tricky because I really don’t know what anyone can do here

Not sure if this is content-warning-worthy, but just in case I'll say that there's some casual misgendering here. Hope everyone's doing well! More of the same on this one--for those who have read up until this point, anything in particular that comes across as repetitive would be helpful to know. Thanks!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow too please!

Excited to dig in! Overall: It’s good that there’s a plan to attack A, which helps build up conflict, though I still feel like I’m needing some larger stakes and arcs. Right now S’s plan is to kill A and go from there, while A’s plan is to root out and kill S. I think one issue I’m having is that neither of those actually feels pressing. S hasn’t been doing much since it got shattered, so A killing it doesn’t feel urgent, and there’s also no reason S needs to deal with A right now and it’s not clear how S plans to escalate beyond that. I’m also wondering if L can still wipe S out like she could when It was connected. If she can, then all of this feels a bit moot since what actually happens to A and S is essentially her choice alone. Still excited to keep reading, and I continue liking the humor S’s narration. The conflict between Ss is promising, though I think I need a clearer large plot conflict for their interpersonal disagreements to feel pressing and important. As I go: Pg 1. Makes me wonder if there’s a reason why nobody knows how to set a trap Pg 2. I like the voice here, though I think I need a bit more on S’s plan to be engaged with it Pg 3. I think it’s fine for S not to understand this shift, and I think it’s fine for it to be in denial, but I think the story needs to show clearer cause and effect of what specifically led to this change Pg 4-5. I’m a bit conflicted because this is quite fun, but I feel like I don’t have a good grasp of the plot and why this matters for it Pg 7-8. The chef thing makes me think the different Ss are starting to gain individuality, which makes me curious to see if that creates conflict for S. Pg 9. I’m surprised S is backing down here. Doesn’t seem like it’s familiar with doing that Pg 10-11. Seeing actual divisions and conflict among Ss makes me more engaged

Hi everyone, We're getting to the point of the story where I write a lot of dialogue from a little kid, which I have a hard time making feel authentic. Otherwise, no other questions other than the ongoing one about anything that feels especially out of place as being repetitive given that the plot arcs all hit similar notes. Thanks!

I'll take a slot too please @Silk!

Thanks for the critique! This is a great comment for what's aiming to be fast-paced YA fiction, and I'll definitely give it a look over in revision

Excited to dig in! Overall: I enjoyed most of the individual scenes here, which help us learn more about the floating city, bring new character connections for A, and give S some action. I did feel what was said in the overview about feeling a bit scattered, and for me I think it’s because we’ve been told that the current plot is about teaming up to hunt down S, and we get a lot of scenes that don’t really relate to that. As I mention in the LBLs, it also feels like a lot of these scenes lack narrative cause and effect, where it feels like they happen to go off now instead of being led here by the story. I do think the second half of the submission does better with this, though. J showing more overt interest in A now that his mentor is gone which gives S a chance to escape is good narrative cause and effect. Though again, I think some reframing/restructuring around the main plot could help here. As I go: Pg 1-2. This is a good exchange, and I think it’s important to have this to establish how S views the world. However, it feels like it’s lacking narrative cause and effect; in other words, it feels like it just happens to come up now because it’s convenient rather than the story leading it here, if that makes sense. Pg 4-5. It feels like the story wants WB to feel insightful and mysterious but I don’t know enough about his role in the plot to be engaged with his character dynamic. Pg 7-8. As funny as the line is, I think I’d need more on the culture/ideology of the city to believe the no sex thing, especially since the magic blocking conception is there and seems like a much easier explanation Pg 10-11. It feels like J and WB are the ones with the actual important knowledge around the floating city, so it feels like A’s agency here is stagnating a bit Pg 13-14. I like J’s curse bringing him and A together. Is there a way this could be introduced earlier? Pg 18-19. I like S using the scene as cover to escape, though it doesn’t really feel like it’s been looking for an opportunity all this time. Didn’t we get scenes from it here where that wasn’t really on its mind during narration?

Hi everyone, We have chapter 14 and the first part of chapter 15 here. As before, not a ton of specific questions. The narrative steps here follow the same pattern as the first arc (and will continue to do so in future arcs), so if certain parts start to feel overly repetitive that would be helpful to hear. Thanks!

I'd also like a slot please @Silk!

Hi everyone, No specific comments on this one. Thanks as always for critiquing!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Thanks, that helps me understand! Wording like that can definitely be improved without slowing the pacing, so I'll try to be on the lookout (though I tend to save even line edits for after the whole draft is submitted since my brain just works better if I can tackle it all at once, so you'll probably see that sort of thing continue to pop up).

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, K's characterization has been tricky since a lot of the point is that she feels like she doesn't have a strong personality or noteworthy attributes, so I'm not too surprised to hear that I need to work on her a bit more. On the communication, are there any particular moments where it feels jarring? I think some directness is unavoidable if I'm trying to write a YA story with fast pacing that needs to get to the point right away, but I certainly don't want it to feel inauthentic.

Hi everyone, We're moving into the meat of the second arc (out of five), which are all plotted out in a similar way to the first one. I'm most curious if anything starts to feel repetitive or overly formulaic. Thanks!

I'll have a slot too please!

Hi everyone, These couple of chapters are my attempt at writing more relaxed slice of life elements into the story, and I'm curious if they work well or if they need more conflict to stand up. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Sorry for the delayed critique! Overall: No need for a sigh at the exposition; I was engaged throughout and this context helps me a lot with the floating city plotline. If possible, I’d like to get some of this information earlier (I do like it coming out through T—maybe Amara could just meet her earlier?). In particular, knowing that 1. The floating city’s power comes from a single spell and is therefore vulnerable to disruption and 2. The benefits provided by the floating city seem to be counterbalanced by this Sadness, are important for making the situation feel precarious, adding to the stakes and making the world feel more volatile in a good way. As I go: Pg 1. Maybe a stupid comment on my end but yard sale feels modern enough to be jarring -Do we have confirmation that this is A’s PoV? I’m assuming it is but it was a bit disorienting at first Pg 2. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think the big boob hug works well for the story, both tone-wise and for A’s character. Pg 3. This is a fun personality for T and I like that A is meeting important political figures but I’m not sure what the plot is here. What does T actually want? -Okay right below the story does answer that question with she wants to know A but I’m still not sure why her knowledge of A matters for the current story dynamics. Pg 4. I like the idea of A being kinda awkward and out of her depth here and I think I need more characterization as to why she’s acting this way. Pg 5. S being a bacterial colony is a cool analogy. Hearing it earlier might have helped me understand S faster. Pg 6. Oh? More hints of A backstory? -It’s cool to find out that T is a bard and that she shares that connection with A, but I’m not sure what the significance of that is Pg 7. Oh cool we do get more context. I think this is good to set up for the fragility of the floating city’s power. Pg 10. Okay the goody basket is a funny touch.

Oh my god I can't believe you identified my inspiration this has to be the coldest read I've been on the receiving end of. It's specifically inspired by Persona 4, which I spent a lot of time thinking about since I have very mixed opinions about the narrative (as in actually mixed, lots of parts I really like and lots of parts I really don't). Sounds kinda stuck up to say that I wanted to write my own story inspired by it fixing the parts I don't like but that's sort of how the motivation shaped up.

Hi everyone, Sorry for the late submission! Anyways, this novel is divided into about five small arcs, and this is the end of the first one. I'm curious if they'll start to feel formulaic and repetitive down the line, but for now I don't have any specific questions. Thanks!

Sorry for being late on this @Silk and I'll try not to make a habit out of it, but any chance I could also slip in for this week? I meant to ask last night and forgot.

Excited to dig in! Overall: I see what I think are a lot of the setup here, and it’s of course fine to have chapters that are setting up for later, but I think we need a bit more upfront for the questions it raises to be as engaging as possible. We get a lot of hints that the floating city isn’t the utopia A sees it as, but what we lack is direction on why that matters for A and how the floating city’s failings contribute to the stakes. I’ll also throw out that I don’t think the floating city’s failings have to be subtle foreshadowing at all. My favorite parts of the story are when the tongue and cheek tone is used for social/political critiques of different cities and I think putting the cards on the table for the floating city and having A still want to be a part of it since it nullifies her pain could be a way to get me engaged with the setting here. One last thing: I’ve mentioned this before but I don’t think A’s crush on J is serving the narrative that well (personally I feel like most romantic subplots in fantasy stories aren’t super well done so it can be hard to find good examples of what to do). I’m assuming A’s interest in J is going to feed conflict later on, but I don’t think that her feelings will strengthen the conflict since there’s no real dynamic there right now. The best romance stories aren’t about actual romantic feelings, but rather they’re about what draws people together and what pushes them apart, and the tension between the two. Right now, what’s drawing A to him (finding him cute) and what’s pushing her away (needing to focus on the mission) are too simple to feed a compelling dynamic for me. Okay, rant from the aspiring romance writer done. Looking forward to the next submission! :) As I go: Pg 1. I’m guessing that the idea of her struggles being an inspiration are going to be deconstructed at some point, and if that’s the case I think we need more upfront since we’ve been lacking character conflict a bit in the last few chapters. Pg 2. I like the comment about the floating city not actually having done much to help in the past. I think that sort of conflict is what we need more of, especially since it demonstrates the power dynamic of people having to stroke their egos. Pg 4. It does seem a bit odd for the city to reveal its power source. We might have to dig into the motivations a bit more upfront here. Pg 6. It’s nice to have an idea of the timescale here to put pressure on the characters Pg 8. I like the knight’s introduction here but I’m having trouble following the dynamics with the other characters. Pg 9. I get that W is pointing out bad things about the floating city, but I think they need to be more directed to carry weight. The lack of proper council procedure doesn’t make the scene feel as off as I think the story wants it to because it’s not connected to stakes for A or the plot.

Hi everyone, We're picking up with the second half of chapter 4 and chapter 5 this week. I'm going to keep gauging if it makes sense to submit the whole novel or stop if I see big structural changes that need to happen, and all the feedback so far has already been super helpful in that. Thanks!