Appol PhD

Hi everyone! I'm curious if the pacing picks up here with A and co. going to the area where they'll be spending most of part 2, or if it's still not quite coming together. Additionally, this is where the gender politics start to become more direct, so it would be good to know if there are any hangups with that side of things. Thanks as always!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please!

Thanks for the comments! Since I'm guessing @Robinski will be critiquing the submission for this upcoming week, I'll give some more context This is something specific to the society being set up in an unconventional way. The founding principles are that people in power should stay away from all aspects of violence/war to prevent military rule. To accomplish this, soldiers are kept as an oppressed class to limit any power/agency they might have. A is stuck in an awkward middle position where she's managing soldiers but is expected not to engage with war/violence in any way (this also brushes against the gender issues). A is in charge; S is just blunt and direct, saying what he thinks A should do like it's a command. A wants the soldiers to be less subservient to her in general so she doesn't discourage that behavior. Another note that might help understand the context here is that most of the soldiers are teenagers while A is in her early twenties, so the intention is for S to come across as having teenage attitude. The monster attacks are fairly routine and would both be beneath the notice of someone like the queen and would come across as very improper to bring up. A is an anomaly for taking the attacks seriously and actually trying to protect her soldiers. Some of the soldiers A is currently commanding (Am, D, G, and X) are deserters from another base turned revolutionaries. They fought A and she struck a deal after killing their leader to spare them if they surrendered. Or at least, that's the story A is going with to the authorities. She believes (especially as someone who used to be a soldier and transitioned into a minister) that the way soldiers are treated is fundamentally wrong and doesn't blame them for deserting/rebelling, but at the same time feels like she needs to use her authority within that flawed system to protect them.

Haven’t read your stuff in a while so it’s good to see you again! Overall: I liked the core of the story here with M having to deal with G while at the same time grappling with her trauma of having killed someone before. The opening does a good job setting up G being the worst in a fun way that makes me excited to see if/how M will take him down. What didn’t work as well for me was everything in between. It takes a long time from M’s PoV to get us back to the actual conflict that was set up in the opening, and while I see why her friends have to be present none of their interactions really grabbed me. I think this was because the opening set up a clear conflict and anything we see in scene not related to that conflict isn’t going to be as engaging to me as something that is, i.e. signaling M to stop antagonizing G is fine because that’s related to the conflict I care about, but their banter with each other before setting out doesn’t grab me. I’m sure this is partially because I’m not familiar with these characters but I also think that even if I were I’d rather see their interactions revolve more directly around the conflict. I think this could mean trimming pgs 4-14 and/or keeping the discussion on relevant topics like how M has the best skills out of the group to deal with (at least certain types of) dangerous situations but has some trauma about what happened before. As I go: Pg 1-2. The second paragraph is where we get some real characterization, and I think could function as a better opening than the first one. Pg 3. Feels like a bit of the struggle is missing here. Also, it could be nice to know more about G and L’s history with each other. This reads different for G’s characterization (which is what I’m assuming matters here) if they’ve been on missions together for years vs met each other a couple days ago. Pg 3-4. Even if I had full context here I think this could use more of an active hook instead of (or along with) the retrospection -Also, even if people have read the previous work in this world I think a reminder could be nice of who these characters are. It’s tough for a short form story but a recap in the style of how sequels quickly go over context from previous books could help. Pg 6-8. I’m still having a hard time seeing the hook, and ideally it’s something that I could pick up on even with no knowledge of these characters. We get that M’s trauma is important and always lingers with her, but I don’t see signs of movement that turn it into a real plot focus. Pg 10. This definitely is something that not knowing these characters makes trickier but I’m not sure what having so many people here adds to the story. Though maybe it works itself out if I get a clearer idea of the plot motion I’m supposed to track. Pg 14-15. Glad we’re coming around to (presumably) what happened at the start. Right now I’m engaged with M dealing with the hijacker but not most of the surrounding details about her friends -Also with so many names M’s J name for the hijacker gets a bit blended in with everything else (especially with another character whose name starts with Ja). Not a big deal but I wonder if it would be clearer and provide more characterization if she settled on one of her insulting nicknames for him. Pg 17. Okay, here’s where the trauma becomes relevant to the plot. This is the kind of thing I was looking for at the start of M’s PoV and if there’s nothing like this that can be put into those scenes then I’m not sure how necessary they are for the story. -I like the observation that M makes about the hijacker probably planning to kill them. I think we could use a little more right away on what she’s planning to do about that.

Hi everyone! Thanks for the comments last week. I have similar questions/concerns this week about the pacing/cohesion given that the focus here is on smaller character moments. Thanks!

Including the innuendos. There were enough scattered throughout that I didn't get that the ones directed at each other really meant anything

I'll have a slot for Monday as well please!

I don’t know if I’ve ever critiqued something of yours before so I’m excited to provide feedback after all the help you’ve given me with my writing! Overall: I like the shell of the story here, being more human-focused than a lot of sci-fi I’ve read and making it easier for me to be invested as a result. There are two overlapping areas where I think some work could be done to flesh the story out. 1. I think the beginning could do a better job setting up the story. As I mentioned in LBLs I really only understood the threat during page 8 and it only started to feel real by page 13. Tbh I don’t think the details of the systems work they do really has a huge bearing on the story, so I think the focus could be shifted away from that towards setup for the climax. Which includes… 2. The relationships. There’s a good foundation here and I think M’s relationship with both S and C could be fleshed out. C in particular could benefit from being present in M’s mind throughout the story, and while I get a good feel for her off the wall scientist ideas I don’t get a good sense of her actual past relationship with M. I got the general impression that C’s mad scientist ideas were both what drew M to her and what ultimately pushed them apart—which is great! That’s what makes fictional relationships so compelling. But I need to see more of that for it to fully click. For S I think the changes could be simpler—what I want is what about him draws M to him specifically out of all the people they know (ideally in a way that ties together M's relationship with C—what makes S different while still having what initially drew them to C?). The story does a good job of selling that M and S get along, but I need to know what they see in each other that’s special and distinct from the other people in their lives. Heh, guess being the resident romance writer means everyone this week gets a big block of text about building up the romantic relationships. As I go: Pg 1. The opening line has me hooked but I’m having a hard time understanding where we are and what’s going on (though I often have this issue with sci-fi) Pg 3. M’s interest in S has good potential to add some emotional stakes here. I’d like to see this even earlier with more context as to what draws M to S. -I think my biggest comment so far is still not understanding the stakes of the main task they’re doing. I get that they’re checking for weird energy signatures that have in the past caused bad things with wormholes, and that’s a good start, but I still can’t really put together what this means for the characters. Pg 6. The part where S talks about it being a lot of power could be a good place to add more context. Maybe I just missed something but I don’t know if this is power being leaked away as pure sabotage, siphoned for something else, etc. Pg 8. Knowing that the power spike will kill the station eventually could be helpful earlier. We got some hints of this like the lights turning off but I think this being stated early on could help me orient myself Pg 9. It’s acknowledged that M’s not great at this but imo they don’t put forward enough of a reason for this to feel earned. I think they either need to put forward something more convincing or we need to get a better feel for why the staffer is going along with this (i.e. M identifying them as someone who really just wants M out of their hair). Pg 11-12. The flashback coming through in full scene with dialogue and no breaks feels a bit jarring for me. Personally I don’t know if we need to see this in full scene and would be happy with a narration summary. Pg 13. Here’s the first time I get a good feel for the personal stakes. I’d like to get to this point faster. Pg 14. I got the feeling that C was going to be responsible given how much M’s been thinking about her over the past few pages. If she’s this important I think she needs to have a stronger presence in M’s mind from the start. Pg 15-17. The interactions between C and M are good but I feel like I’m still missing some emotional stakes. Who are they to each other? Coworkers? Friends? Exes? Reminders of the past? I’m not really sure. Pg 18. Okay exes it would be helpful to know that earlier.

It’s nice to be able to critique something of yours again! Overall: I think I’m very much not the target audience for this kind of thing, which probably comes through in my LBLs. I enjoyed the later parts (from page 8 onward) while wanting the story to lean into being more over the top silly earlier on. Specifically, I think the dynamics with D and T and especially D and M have the potential to be played up more—getting a clearer sense of the enemies to lovers with D and M could give me the investment I was missing earlier in the story. Their interest in each other was obvious in retrospect but I didn’t get it as the story was progressing since everything was over the top, and I think being very stark about their interest in each other could add to the silly tone with T being a good straightman to balance them out. Thanks for sharing! It’s nice to not be the only one submitting haha. As I go: Pg 1. I think for the lighthearted dialogue to land for me here I need more of a traditional character hook. Right now I can identify the dialogue as well-written but I don’t have a reason to be invested/entertained by the interactions. Pg 2. Okay ASSMUNCH got a snort laugh out of me -As someone who isn’t super versed in pop culture and doesn’t know what this is a homage to, I wonder if these moments could be even more over the top and absurdist. Right now if I stumbled in blind I think I’d just take everything at face value and lose interest Pg 4. The interactions between D and T are more entertaining now that I get a better idea that T is the one actually making everything happen. -I still wonder if there’s more room for more detailed descriptions to make some of the humor elements—like the missile buttons—stand out more Pg 6. At this point the spaceship maneuvering is starting to feel a bit samey with what happened the last few pages Pg 8. This is a good change of pace. I’d say this is the first place I’m pretty thoroughly entertained Pg 9. The displacement/refugee thing feels a bit serious for the tone (though again I’m reading this as someone without the cultural context for this kind of narrative). I’d expect something more like the T is using it for some over the top silly cartoon villain kind of thing -I mentioned wanting some things played up earlier and I think the romantic/sexual tension between D and M could be one of those since I didn’t get a great feel for it before now

G for discussions involving explicit gore, but none appears on screen. Additional content warning for war-related trauma. Hi everyone! I'm back after Nanowrimo with another sub for Everlasting Sunset. Mainly I'm interested in whether the interlude feels justified (I already cut an interlude with Mag but I liked this one better so it's included in the sub), and how to organize the threads at the start of part 2 in a way that feels cohesive (I'm worried that it feels a bit choppy atm). Thanks as always!

118.4k words later, my nanowrimo project is done! ...Until I have to look at it again for editing. I'll have a slot for Monday, December 4th, please!

Thanks @Silk@Mandamon! My brain is in full NaNoWriMo mode right now so I might wait a few weeks to start subbing part 2.

Hi everyone! We're wrapping up part 1 of 3 here, which means we're about a third of the way through. The most important question at this point for people who have read all the way through is are you okay continuing to critique this draft? I believe I mentioned that I wasn't sure whether I was going to submit the whole draft, but I don't think the edits I'm going to make to part 1 are enough of an overhaul that it would make sense to resubmit the whole thing, so as long as people are up for it I think I'm going to continue into part 2. Thanks!

Hi @Silk am I good to go for today?

I'll also have a slot for tomorrow, please!

Hi everyone! I rearranged which scenes fall into which chapters, so this is actually the 2nd to last submission of part 1. Since we're moving into the climax of this arc, I'm especially curious to see how everything lands. Thanks as always for your feedback!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please!

Thanks @Mandamon and @Demiurgess! I know I'm not consistent about replying in these threads but I've really appreciated both of your comments all throughout the story! It's good to have a list of questions that need more explanation early on (and honestly it's heartening to know that the worldbuilding isn't fundamentally that complicated to the point that a bit of explanation will clear things up). My goal for revision will be to set up the minister/soldier system in a way that feels like it makes sense internally while having the sex/gender discussion still be a gradual build up for A.

Hi everyone! We're approaching the end of part 1 here, with this chapter being the last bit of buildup, and I'm curious to see what suggestions people have. Thanks as always!

Oh, hope that was fun at least! I planned to check again this evening after work and only remembered to check now when it's late where I am, so I'll send it out tomorrow.

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please!

Hey everyone! Thanks for your feedback last week. Including this, we have I believe four more submissions left in part 1, which will resolve the arc about A dealing with the deserters. The buildup to that point can often be tricky, so I'm curious to hear suggestions!

Since it's on my mind I'll swoop in early and say that I'll take a slot for Monday, please!

Hi everyone! After getting to know the other soldiers more, this one goes back to focusing on the dynamic between A and P. I'm hoping for their interpersonal relationship to carry a lot of the emotion in part 1, so I'm curious to see how it lands. Thanks as always!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please!