Appol PhD

I think the issue is that this doesn't really come across as a big decision on its own, since it's not clear what the tangible consequences of it are going to be (for the protagonists or the larger world state)

Heads up that I’m going to be traveling for the next couple of weeks, so I might be delayed on getting to those submissions. Overall: I think this is a nice start to the story! I like starting on an interpersonal conflict. I remember you saying that parenthood is a big part of the series and I really didn’t get that sense much from the first book but starting the story off like this is a good way of putting that issue in the spotlight. The second entry reads well and I enjoyed the dynamics, but it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of impact on the larger story. For this to feel like an important part of the story I think there needs to be a larger turning point or big decision that justifies us seeing all of this in scene. As I go: Pg 2-3. I like that we get right into a surprising emotional twist, though I think we need to know a bit more on T’s emotions other than being angry (either knowing more about why she’s angry or having the emotions be more complex) Pg 4. I like the imagery here Pg 7. I also like the format of going back and forth between present and memory, and that this is where it becomes clear that T is the one rooting through them Pg 9. I like the writing style here, though I’m hoping for a hook soon about how this scene is important for our protagonists/the larger plot Pg 12. I like the disagreements in approaches here, and I hope this culminates in a big decision that justifies us being shown this scene Pg 14. Right now C getting fried feels like an excuse to have the archbishop be brutal. I think it would flesh out the story more to give C a clearer reason for the statement instead of it being an ill-advised offhand comment. What is he actually trying to get out of this exchange, and why can’t the archbishop accept it? Digging deeper into that is where the meat of the story is.

Hi everyone, Like I mentioned before, this is a bit of a shorter one. We're approaching the midpoint crisis here, so I'm curious to see how it comes across!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

Overall: Not a lot of issues with the writing here and I like the aspect of how human infighting makes it trickier for these people to step in. My main comment is that a lot of the conversations here don’t feel as important as they could be because we don’t know how they affect the plan. How does their approach change for humans compared to the other species? If the humans did do this to each other, what extra precautions are the protagonists taking to protect themselves while going in for the rescue? Having the plan incorporate this information will make it feel more like they’re solving problems and less like they’re just setting the scene. As I go: Pg 1. This does a good job setting the scene, though I think we may need a clearer emotional hook. What unique elements do these characters bring to the table? Pg 3. It’s good to have a plan and the reasoning behind it, and I think this makes sense. Though again, I think we could use more hints that this isn’t going to be as quick and easy as they hope. Pg 4. I think even as someone who’s read stories in this world before, it should be clearer why it matters which species it is. They think these people are humans, so how does that change their approach compared to AR or M? Pg 6. They come to this decision pretty easily, which isn’t necessarily bad, but right now I’m not feeling a lot of tension and this could be a good place to add some. Pg 8. I like that the humans having fought each other makes the situation more complicated, and I think we need more of that complexity (not necessarily this specific reveal) earlier on

Hi Paul, I haven't received the chapter (and checked the spam folder). Would you mind forwarding it to me?

Hi everyone, Last submission was and the next one will be a bit shorter, so I felt okay going a little over the word count limit. No specific questions for this one; looking forward to seeing what people think!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Overall: I enjoyed this story, and I think the LBLs cover most of my feedback. I think the biggest comment is that if the protags are more active about piecing things together throughout (which I does have some good moments doing already) it gives their choices more weight. I’ll also highlight an LBL about wanting to see more of I’s background in action. I don’t know their exact job but it seems like they have a lot of skills that are useful in a search and rescue mission so learning how they approached previous missions and how it informs what they’re doing here could also give their actions more weight. As I go: Pg 1. I like the first line for immediately setting the conflict and giving some background. The rest of the paragraph doesn’t work as well for me though since what it hits on doesn’t feel unique to these characters. Pg 2. The tension of the narrator wanting to help but being scared of being replaced is good! I think we could use a bit more on that fear. Do they have an idea of what their life looks like without S and why it scares them? Pg 4. I think the important part of this info is how it informs the dynamic between the narrator and S. S being dubious about aliens is a good start, and I think we need more of that (or cutting down some of the more technical details) Pg 6. What if the J do turn aggressive? Is it worth considering fleeing right now? Could be an opportunity to explore why they push forward into a dangerous situation. Pg 8. I like that I is connecting the danger to the big picture of what happened and is making a plan, though right now I’m having a hard time gauging how big of a threat the thing is to them right now Pg 11. S thinking it’s K is a fun beat, but I think it would be stronger with more to go off. Something that feels personal to S and maybe I, like a short phrase or physical gesture they shared (doesn't have to be those exactly) Pg 12. Did we know that K is S’s sister? Oh, coming back from the end it sounds like a lie to get around potential homophobia. At the time I thought it was a twist that I was insecure enough that it extended to family relationships -Using music to progress the story is cool but I think we could use clues about this earlier Pg 13. I like that this uses I’s specific knowledge from their skillset to put them in the position to handle this. I’d love to see more details about how those skills inform this whole search and rescue plan earlier on. Pg 14. I don’t think it’s inherently bad to have the priest help out here, but right now it feels like they’re swooping in to fix all the problems for the protagonists. Maybe it could feel more earned if I pieces together that the J are here to help and persuades everyone else to listen as they're about to close the door? Just spitballing.

Thanks for the feedback! On the frame, I'm a bit mixed. There were bits that I found helpful that I don't think I'd have gotten otherwise (like offering possibilities for what the school could look like in a previous comment--I realized I didn't know which is a good sign I have to think about it more), but I'm more interested in overall reactions than hitting all of these points every chapter (especially since a lot of the points are going to be pretty similar each time). Maybe most of the critiques could focus more on general impressions and you could use this frame every once in a while at big moments to cover these points for how they feel across multiple submissions?

Hi everyone, Here I continue focusing on progression of character dynamics with not a ton of big revelations for the main plot, so I'm curious how that reads. There's some discussions of sex, but nothing graphic on page. Thanks!

Are we good to go @Silk?

I'll take a slot for tomorrow too please!

Congrats on finishing the submissions! It was a fun ride to read through. Overall: I think the broad beats here are pretty solid, and my main comment is that the way the hostage situation is resolved doesn’t have a lot of tension because the risk isn’t highlighted. Also, it feels like the SN people make a lot of mistakes that even dumb thugs shouldn’t. The one I keep going back to is watching A kill one of their number with an advanced alien weapon, not doing anything to her, and then having to face her down with those bigger and better weapons she has. For the whole story, my biggest comment is that the central dynamic of A being pulled between her responsibilities and her personal romantic desires doesn’t show up on the page at all until pretty late in the story. When I had submission after submission of commenting that the scenes don’t feel important to the overall story at the start, that’s why. Once we get to A’s complicated feelings around R and how it intersects with her goals of helping people, it feels like the story gets going. My other larger comment that I’ve mentioned several times (so I’ll keep it brief) is that I think we need to see A overcome more challenges, especially because she’s being handed the power of an upper-level manager with essentially no screening or oversight as a seventeen-year-old refugee. As I go: Pg 1. I know I harped on this last time but with A killing one of them in such a disturbing fashion it’s hard for me to believe that the hunters let them go unless they had some sort of leverage Pg 4. I think this reads fine so far, though it does feel like a shift in focus from the rest of the novel. I’m more invested in A helping escapees and making hard personal choices than focusing on extended combat tactics sequences. Pg 5. Case in point, I think the hostage situation is more fitting, and it seems like the SN people should jump to that sooner Pg 6. I think it’s fine in theory for the goons to come across as stupid but I think it’s harder to make it feel tense. If they’re going to be stupid, I think we need to know more about why so it feels like it’s saying something about this world instead of being there for plot convenience. Pg 8. This is a fun use for the virus, though it feels a little easy. I think what A does here should have some element of risk to create tension Pg 11. This is a good way of having them realize why releasing the virus would be bad news without getting too technical about the history/political theory we discussed Pg 12. Cool that A’s arrived on ace as a label for herself. Also seems like she’s aromantic based on how she’s talking though I don’t know how much you want to match labels one to one with modern day Pg 15. I like this ending! Start of a new, possibly platonic close relationship to show how she’s moving forward. Best of luck in revision!

Hi everyone, We're moving into the parts that are a bit more slower-paced and contemplative, which isn't my usual style (well, the contemplative maybe is, but not the slower-paced), so I'm curious how it reads. Thanks!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

Thanks for letting me know! I forwarded it to you a few days ago so let me know if that didn't reach you either.

Overall: The climactic moments help make sure this submission feels focused, which is good. I like the decision to take L as soon as A reunites with her to raise the stakes for what happens next. My main comment is that considering that labor resellers are a looming threat for escapees, we don’t get a good sense of that before these chapters. People being scared of this exact thing happening seems like something A would be having to more actively manage before this, both in terms of reassuring people it’s safe to exist out in the open like this and handling unknowns who could be corporate agents. I think we also need a bit more context about what the escalation into resistance at the end means for the long term. It sounds like SN is a big organization that will try to escalate in turn, which means A’s chances of getting through this get very very dicey. It could help to think about how the characters approach that (maybe A thinks she has to if she wants to get L back, and the others might have their own reasons). As I go: Pg 1. I like that the chapter jumps straight into the topic. In some other submissions I’ve noted that it takes us a while to get into what the chapter’s actually about and I think this is a good example of how the story can be slower-paced and big picture at the start of the chapter while still feeling focused. Pg 6. I continue to love Rac’s character voice Pg 9. It could help to get more insight on whether there’s a chance to hide and avoid escalation or if A really does think her only way out is attacking them Pg 10-11. If getting everyone else out and flying under the radar was a way A knew this could go, using her weapon doesn’t seem like a great idea. Not that it has to be, but a little more insight might help

Hi everyone, We're in that structurally murky area past the point where the protagonist gets dragged into the task but before the midpoint crisis, so I'm curious if there are any points where the story feels unfocused. Thanks!

I'll take another slot for tomorrow please!

Overall: I think it’s okay for the lab to remain unresolved because it’s pretty clear the purpose is more about how it relates to ideology and responses to corporate patriarchy than a plot arc. It’s good to get some info on why it is the way it is this chapter, and importantly we see it starting to affect A which is good. That being said, I think we need more of a complex push and pull from A. I think it’s fine for G to spout a bunch of authoritarian nonsense dressed up as scientific and left-wing, and I don’t expect A to unpack the eugenics, bioessentialism, and ecofascism at play in what G is saying. But I think it’s important for A to get some inkling that G is being just as authoritarian in the other direction and grapple with that with how much she’s suffered from authoritarianism herself, even if she doesn’t come out with a great solution right away. As for the second chapter, I like how it follows up on the gender dynamics, though I think we need a bit more setup so it feels a bit less out of the blue. If we get more context on the trends of escapees that shows the need for A to help out, I think it could feel more connected to the story than the broader news reel we get. As I go: Pg 2. We’ve gotten some of A’s emotions and the conflict hook for the chapter, but they seem pretty disconnected. How does the presence of an intruder connect to A’s emotional arc? Pg 5. I think we could use more on A’s reactions here. I think there’s an interesting push and pull with G saying stuff that appeals to A but being very authoritarian in a way that shouldn’t sit quite right with A, even if she doesn’t have the background to point out the biological essentialism. Right now she’s not engaging with that. Pg 12. At this point it feels like we’re jumping around a lot. I think we need less on the general news overview and more focus on the hook of why A is getting pulled into this now Pg 13. The way A’s talking about this reads as odd, at least by modern-day Earth standards. Since she’s in a similar position, could she provide more specifics on what’s grounding about being with the AR? Pg 14. I think it makes more sense to lead with what the owner did instead of R’s identity, since when it comes up it seems unrelated and like there could be weird implications that the story believes rather than criticizing. Pg 16. Nice hook at the end!

Hi everyone, We start with the second part of chapter 2, and then go into chapters 3 and 4. Warning that the SA tag is for a full on-screen rape, which I normally don't do in my writing but decided to include within a specific context here. And an additional warning for suicide-related dynamics. Thanks!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

Finally got around to doing edits on this now that I finished Labyrinth of Birdcage edits. Thanks for the feedback! This is a great point, and I added a bit on how selkie marriages got better after court rulings. Since as you say the point isn't really that these two species can never find common ground, and it's more about how power dynamics can get in the way of that. Yeah this took a lot of thought and I ended up adding extra bits and pieces to the flashbacks. My goal for it is to not be 100% clear before the discussion but have it recontextualize the relationship in a way that makes sense and adds more substance, so I tried to flesh it out earlier without fully hanging a lantern on it. In high school a girl with a black belt in some martial art or other told me something along the lines of "if you punch someone in the face you'll break your hand. If you slam your palm into them, you'll break their face instead." That stuck with me for writing situations like this haha.

Re-sent! Let me know if you still didn't get it!