Appol PhD

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

I think this does already come through a bit and so I think the issue is less "what does this show" and more "why is this important to see right now". However M's allies see him, it doesn't really affect what happens for the rest of the prologue. I agree that cutting isn't the first option I would necessarily jump to, but I think it could be reworked or moved to when M's interactions with his allies matter a bit more for his short-term goals.

Overall: Congrats on your final submission for the book! It’s a big accomplishment, and it’s been nice to read through and see where the ride ends. I think this chapter itself mostly works, and my one suggestion is to have a bit of a clearer plan moving forward so that this feels like the start of something new and keeps up the momentum going into the next book. More of my thought went into how the previous submission ties into this one. I think the last submission worked well for me as a low point for the characters but not quite as a big climax and resolution. It feels like the stakes aren’t quite there because I don’t understand what the protags could have done better and how the situation could have ended up different. If they didn’t make any mistakes in the moment then this isn’t actually the pivotal moment of the story, which is why most stories that end with a setback for the protagonists feel like they’re on a knife’s edge until the protags make one key mistake. I think there’s a potential version of the story that plays with that inevitability and focuses on how outmatched they are by the powerful corporate military forces, but I think the tone and atmosphere have to be quite different for that to land. As I go: Pg 4. I’m mixed on V being pregnant. It’s a cool detail, don’t get me wrong, but we have five pages left in the book and I’m not sure this is the right dynamic to wrap up everything that happened. Pg 5-6. I like the idea of the D pivoting to helping resistance on more local scales after the big defeat, and I think we need a bit more detail on what that looks like.

Overall: Congrats on your first submission, and I’m happy to say it’s one of the stronger ones from writers new to the group that I’ve seen! In particular, I really like that M’s personality is connected to his powers. Not only does his magic make him a killing machine, but it makes the future inevitable so he doesn’t even feel the struggle of battle. So of course his dark thoughts take over. My main suggestions here are about elements that don’t feel like they help the story much and could potentially be trimmed or cut. There’s a lot of internality that stalls the story with information we mostly already know, and the actual action here feels less important than getting the feel of M’s powers and understanding the inevitability of his destruction. I also think the conversation with S feels nonessential since there’s not a lot of plot weight behind it. As I go: Pg 1. I like that we’re starting at an important moment with a character hook in the first sentence. Lots of submissions we get don’t pass that bar! -My first constructive comment here is that this is quite the monster paragraph. I think this could be a turn-off to someone picking up the book (some books do use long paragraphs for specific reasons but this doesn’t feel like that kind of book). Pg 3. Because this prologue is so focused on M’s character, I think it’s an issue that we don’t get much motion in his characterization. We get that he’s conflicted about this brutal conquest from the first few sentences and I haven’t gotten much new since. Pg 5. M calling for surrender is the first time his characterization really matters for the plot. It’s a good moment, and I think it could happen on page 1 or 2. Pg 7. I’m a bit picky about action scenes so take this with a grain of salt but my engagement slips a bit here. What are the dynamics we’re supposed to focus on? M’s fighting style doesn’t tell me much about him or the world, and neither do the enchantments. Pg 8. Now the paths of ruin thing is what I was looking for. I think we should be focusing on this instead of the blow by blow action.

Hi everyone, This is the second to last submission where we see the path forward for the relationship. The last one will be a short epilogue. Thanks!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please as well!

Overall: This one worked pretty well for me, specifically because the focus is on the choices each of the characters are making more than the actual fleet warfare (which hasn’t been a focus of the story before and would feel a bit shoehorned in if it were the main focus now). It’s a bit easier to see where some of the leadup with the antagonists was going but I think a lot of it before this submission can be cut since this is where the pivotal decisions are actually being made. The one minor thing that I’d want to see more of is how the V and the other D deal with some of their kind dying. I’m surprised to hear that there’s only one more entry left in the story though, since it feels like there’s still quite a bit to wrap up. Looking forward to seeing how it resolves! As I go: Pg 1-2. I like the way they react to an unexpected turn of events, though I feel like I need a better sense of a plan here. Pg 4. I like this setup so far. Hoping we continue to focus on how the different pieces are moving. Pg 6. It’s good that there’s a plan, though I think we could use more leadup to it and clearer stakes for why this needs to go well. Pg 8. I do like the dark moment here. Overall it feels like the protags haven’t faced large consequences for failure before so seeing some of the D die because their plan isn’t good enough has more weight to it. Pg 10-11. I like the satirical elements here, and I think it works better than in some of the leadup because this is a pivotal moment where each decision really matters. Pg 13. I think it’s good for the antagonists to put together facts about B and try to use the situation to their advantage. Curious to see where this goes.

Marking light gore for slow vampire disintegration. This is the third to last submission, where most of the relationship plot is wrapped up before the final two submissions look to the future of what the protags will be up to. Curious to hear people's thoughts!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Overall: For the first chapter, I like the general plot of the protagonists accepting T alterations to show how their relationship will be mutually beneficial. I think the main thing needed here is specificity. What exactly about this specific change is so lucrative for the T and what are specific things the protags have done over the story to show that they’re the ones to bond with the T when no other humans have before? With the next two chapters, we get some good moments of character voice but it doesn’t feel like we need to see this from the PoVs we get. Most of the content we get is the conversation at the end, and while I think it does make sense to tell that from M’s perspective so we understand his reactions I care about the protags’ perspective more than his at this point. I’d recommend trimming and/or focusing on why we need M’s PoV here. As I go: Pg 1-3. I like that the nursemaid has a bit of a different voice from the protagonists, though I think we need a bit more conflict here Pg 5-6. I like the overall beats here, though I think ME’s argument and how it’s received are a bit overly general. What matters here is less change as a grand abstract concept and more about whether this change is beneficial. Pg 7-8. Again I think the story needs to be more specific about setting up how the protags win the T over. Right now the decision feels a bit arbitrary and isn’t grounded in concrete actions the characters took. Pg 10. I do like some of the satirical elements here like F treating destabilizing the economy as being this unthinkable horror. Right now though I don’t think this scene has shown me why it’s necessary for the story. Pg 14. Similar thoughts on this chapter so far. Nothing wrong with how it reads but I’m not sure why this is important enough to show in scene.

Hi everyone, This is the main climax for the external plot, so it's important to get right and I'm curious to see what people think. We still have a ways to go after this though, since the relationship troubles don't get resolved here. Thanks as always!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

Overall: I think the way the plot is progressing makes sense, and I like the way that the story puts pressure on the characters to undergo the procedure to better convince the T of the alliance they’re proposing. In a lot of this book I’ve wanted the plot to be tighter on what’s pushing the characters to make the choices in the moment and this is a good example of what to do. Unfortunately I wasn’t fully engaged throughout and I think the focus feels a bit off. Ultimately the characters need to compare the benefits and risks to make this decision and there’s a lot of focus on the risks (which are pretty abstract) without much focus on the benefits (be it biological or political in pushing for the alliance). I think putting the second chapter from ME’s perspective is a good choice, and I think the story needs to put in a bit more work to convince her beyond feelings of friendship. As I go: Pg 2. It’s good that we get some scene-setting about why this is important, and I think we need more specifics here. We already know that Too doesn’t have a strong grip on her personality (which I still think the story needs to do a bit more with), and telling us that the meeting could change everything doesn’t help us see the stakes that clearly. Pg 4. I continue to like this dynamic, though this isn’t showing us much new. The main new thing is that there’s more pressure to accept it as proof for the T, so I think that needs to be the focus here. Pg 7. I like this conflict for ME being pulled between experiences with friendly aliens and faith, and I think we need more specifics for it to fully land. Pg 9. I like the part about the kids, sine it feels like new info that could spur ME into realizations she couldn’t have come up with on her own.

Looks like I forgot to send this out yesterday, so here we are with the dark moment right before the climax!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow too please!

Overall: It’s nice to get more of a picture of how the story will be progressing in the ramp-up to the climax. I’ll talk about each of the chapters separately. For the first one I think it’s good that we get a bit of a broader perspective from R and I think what’s missing are the stakes. Since it sounds like getting a bit prescriptive with suggestions has been helpful, one idea I had is for the protagonists to need support from R and have to convince him that the D and T will be helpful in letting them achieve the long-term goals he mentions. If they’re forced to convince him for the plan to go on, it shows why the scene is an important moment. As with all my prescriptive suggestions, this is just one possibility that hopefully at a minimum helps convey where my critiques are coming from. With the second one, I think it’s good that M recognizes the threat here and begins to scale up, but I don’t think we need all the details from the news cast or the young man. Though my biggest comment here is that his measures feel pretty basic and not something we need a whole scene with it for him to set up. I think this works better if he sets up a more specific defense/counterattack measure that we know about but the protags don’t, so we know that they’re walking into more danger than they realize. With the third one, I like R’s suggestion as a way of moving the story along, though I feel like most of what happens in the scene before then feels like set dressing. One thing I wanted was a bit more about Too’s character. Maybe some stakes around Too’s role here could help as well. If the conversation rides on her and she has to overcome challenges to communicate with the T then she’ll feel more important. Or maybe R’s suggestion isn’t received well by the other humans but Too sways them by backing her up? Lots of possibilities here. I'm not a huge epitaph fan in general but I think these work fairly well. I don't think they'll make or break the story for me but I think their inclusion makes sense. As I go: Pg 2. I’m liking P’s character voice here, though I need a bit more on what the stakes are/what the protags want to get out of this. Pg 3-4. I do like the long term projections and the joking about it, but I need a bit more on why this conversation matters to the protags right now. Obviously R being a benefactor makes him important but right now it’s not clear to me why making progress with him understanding the T is actually important for their plan. Pg 7. The fact that M recognizes the threat of the D is a nice hook. I’m hoping the rest of this shows us how he’ll be escalating things for the upcoming story beats. Pg 12. I like the attempt at Too being unsure of who she is, but I think we need a bit more than her having no idea at all.

Congrats on your first submission! It's a big achievement and I remember being super nervous my first time (genuinely lost some sleep), and while I don't know for sure how new you are to getting your work critiqued as a whole if you are new I can assure you it gets more fun over time! I'll preface this by saying that the formatting looks a bit weird on my end, with 6 pages but the only text being on page 4. That's what I'll be looking at for now. The part that catches my interest the most here is the general topic of what villainy looks like and the potential toll it takes on the father. Given the title of the story it seems like that's going to be a central focus so I that's a great thing to have locked down right off the bat! I can see lots of ways that both practical dangers and moral elements could complicate the relationship between father and daughter in a good way. On the constructive side, my first comment is that a prologue that's just a conversation is going to be a hard sell. It means we don't get a great sense of the world, and more importantly it doesn't show us why this is important. It's pretty easy for a father to talk to a daughter so it feels like what we're seeing isn't all that special. I also need a bit more from the characters; it's hard to glean much from them other than the basics. My rule of thumb for a conversation is to ask what we get from it that we wouldn't from a short summary of it, and right now I don't have a clear answer with this one. My other comments here are that this could use a pass-over for punctuation, and that there's a lot of emphasis on adverbs and exclamation points that are usually considered weaker in terms of writing. Best of luck moving forward!

Things go badly for one of our protagonists and slightly less badly for the other as part of the leadup to their eventual reunion. Curious to see how it reads!

Overall: The first chapter basically matched up what the note in the email said—not fully necessary as written but I think there’s a good base here to go off. To me the most compelling dynamics are R’s ability to think outside of human dynamics and accept alien weirdness and Too feeling more at home with the D than she did with her actual species. As mentioned, I also liked a lot of the plant imagery since it gives a good idea of the D valuing mutualisms and cultivating life. I think the parts around that could be heavily cut down if you’re looking to cut. For the second chapter, my main comment is that it feels a bit too easy and that the protagonists didn’t have enough agency bringing this about. I think the easiest way to add that agency and force them to put in work is to focus on making the first chapter in this submission more necessary for the D to come to their decision. Maybe at first the D see V as different due to bonding with humans and it sends them to M with the specific goal of connecting with other D and showing them the benefits of those connections? And when R stays open-minded and gives M its space to arrange things in a human-oriented way and Too connects with it more than she had with her fellow humans the rest are convinced. Obviously that’ s prescriptive and just one idea but hopefully it shows the kind of stuff I think could work well here. As I go: Pg 1. It feels like V should say how they and the D actually want to be referred to, be it as both he/she being fine or some other pronoun (some people irl do go by “it”), and what an approximate term for their partner should be. Right now I feel like we don’t get much from the ambiguity there. -So reading later it seems like the D prefer to go by “it” and use gender-neutral terms which I think can just be stated upfront. Pg 2. I think I’m feeling a bit of the preface mentioned that this chapter isn’t considered totally necessary. Things are happening but it doesn’t quite feel like a cohesive flow addressing the important dynamics. R wants to meet M but I don’t get a great feeling why that’s important. Pg 3. I like the descriptions here. They feel nicely focused around what R finds noteworthy. Pg 5. Too being in such a good state feels a bit too easy, and brushes up against what I mentioned last submission where using sci-fi to cure disability rather than exploring the complications of it is generally frowned upon. Also, since we didn’t get much characterization from Too before I’m having a hard time being invested in her now. Pg 6. I like the plant imagery. Good way of showing that the D are organic while also having functions one would expect from a ship. Pg 7. Good character moment from R to put connection before what is pleasant to human sensibilities. Pg 8. This is the part of Too that interests me the most so far. Knowing what she needed now but not knowing it then and having no way of communicating it. Pg 9. The internality at the top of the page isn’t quite working for me. The language is pretty good and varied but the actual dynamic here seems pretty straightforward and doesn’t need a big paragraph delving into it. Pg 11. I also like the character moment of R being comforted by the thought of being absorbed after death. That feels very specific to her. Pg 12. This doesn’t feel like it’s doing much to me. Maybe some of it can be woven in after the proposition if it connects to V’s reasoning for it? Pg 13. This feels a bit too easy for the protagonists, especially since they didn’t have much agency in bringing this about.

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

This time we've got more of K's and J's individual stories before they meet back up again. Thanks for reading!

I'll also take a slot please @Silk!

My viewpoint here is that it's less about the foreshadowing itself and more about bringing the dynamic into the story and having a reason to care about T earlier. In this case I care less about knowing whether or not T has telepathy and more about why it's important. My suggestion would be to focus on how T's telepathy affects the plot, which it currently does when she's able to find V at the very start. Having the idea that she can sense things that the others can't and could use that to help them and have her own agency if they're able to address her condition would be good to know early on to establish some stakes (I don't think it has to be revealed as telepathy early on but I think we need to know that T is doing something important).

Overall: It’s nice to get some progress on Too and see how the telepathy worldbuilding ends up mattering for the protagonists. That being said I think there are a lot of elements that could be refined here, many of which are in the leadup to this section. I’m going to list them out bullet point style: -The protagonists have little agency throughout all of this, so it doesn’t feel like there’s much of an actual plot. I think an easy improvement would be to have A and R actively seek out Twilight’s Rift and connect with the aliens there in hopes it will help Too. -We don’t get much from Too before this so it’s hard to be invested in her as a character. -Sci-fi elements being used to cure disability/mental health issues is often a pitfall in how those issues are handled, and I also think it’s too straightforward here to be narratively interesting. -Because I don’t feel a strong sense of plot, it doesn’t feel like these character moments are as important as they should be for the larger story. How does Too being cured actually help them with their goals? As I go: Pg 1. I think right now our understanding of Twilight’s Rift is too abstract for me to be invested. I don't know what it's going to be like or what the characters will do there. Pg 2. This moment doesn’t quite feel earned. Maybe it could help to focus on the specific events bringing them together? Pg 3. Playing with human identity and alien alterations is fun, though I think the dynamic needs to be a bit more specific to fully land. It’s good that A explains what’s different, and I think we need more on why that does (or doesn’t) matter. Pg 6. This is a good worldbuilding moment and a good character moment for V, though it feels like the scene could use more narrative conflict. Right now I’m not sure what anyone’s trying to accomplish. Pg 8. I think there are the making of a nice complex conflict here where the protags experience pleasure and intimacy that is forced—essentially raped in a way that is complex and alien and divorced from human power dynamics that color our perception of rape. Right now though, I don’t feel like the story’s handling it with the proper care or using it to bring out conflict in our protagonists. Pg 9. Not an expert on the subject but this brushes up against an issue of sci-fi elements being used to cure disability which can be alienating or feel like erasure to disabled people. I don’t think the core idea of telepathic aliens brining out more joy in Too is a fundamental issue but it’s probably good to be aware of when writing. Pg 11. I think another issue of Too being mostly shut down before this is that we really don’t have much of an idea of who she is as a person. Pg 12-13. A consequence of the plot being on hold is that it’s hard to see why something like Too’s opinion of humanity actually matters to the larger story.

Hi everyone, This submission leads us into more of the individual conflicts J and K face. I elected for shorter scenes that jump between the two of them, and I'm curious to see how the pace feels. Thanks as always!