Appol PhD

I'll take a slot too please @Silk!

Overall: There are some more interesting threads here than in the first half, especially pertaining to the T and V and how it’s affecting our protagonists. However, I think some of the core issues from the first half are still here, most notably that we don’t have a lot of plot momentum. It feels like we’re jumping between a lot of points without a lot of real progression happening. In the first chapter the protags don’t take an active role in deciding where to go and what to do, and in the second one we do see a new side of R but there aren’t a lot of clear consequences to it. As I go: Pg 1. I like the idea of A having a chance to be vulnerable and need someone, but I think that dynamic could use more setup Pg 3-4. Most of this is stuff we already know. If we just need to catch A up it can be summarized, and if there are important dynamics here I think they need to be clearer Pg 6. The genetics stuff is good! Though I have a few notes on the science (notes are extensive because I do think it’s cool and would like to see it expanded rather than scaled back): -I don’t know if I’d highlight randomness as the important factor here. I’d say it’s more about maintaining a large, healthy gene pool and sexual reproduction is part of how many Earth species achieve it. -Sexual reproduction doesn’t really create genetic diversity; it just shuffles around the existing diversity a bit. It does have the advantage of suppressing deleterious alleles and preventing one individual from growing into an identical colony that could indirectly suppress diversity by blotting everything else out. -Separate point from the genetics, but right now R’s explanation of the T’s altruistic behavior feels a bit simplistic. Hoping to get more complexity there as we move forward (their past revolution could maybe be an opportunity for that?). Pg 7-8. I like the idea of the protag’s decisions winning over some goodwill from the T Pg 11. I think we’re lacking narrative momentum going into Twilight’s Rift. Even if what happens there connects back to what they’ve been doing in the first half, I think it’s a problem that it doesn’t feel that way now. Pg 13. The thread about what was done to A does interest me, and I’m curious to see where it goes. Right now I like that it’s a pull for her. Pg 14. I think it could help to get a sense that Too is telepathic much earlier on. I really wasn’t getting much from her so far and that could be a jumping off point (and could make finding V feel less contrived). Pg 16. Shouldn’t they at least try to deny that they had it? Pg 18. This isn’t quite landing for me, and I think the main reason is that it doesn’t feel like the protags have a chance of getting anything out of this so it doesn’t feel as plot-relevant as it should. Why is R bothering to engage with her at all?

Hi everyone, This is the part of the romance story where the couple fights and hits their low point in the relationship. I'm curious to see reactions, and I'm hoping the grievances on both sides are understandable without painting either one as truly acting in the wrong. Thanks!

Hi @Silk could I also go today? Meant to ask yesterday but it slipped my mind

Overall: I think the main beats land fairly well, though I don’t get a strong sense of conflict and complexity here. It’s not an issue that nobody argues about the decision, but it feels overall like things are going well enough and are pretty cut and dry to the point that I don’t get a ton from this that I wouldn’t get from a couple-page summary. That being said P’s narration is pretty enjoyable and hits at the differences and interpersonal conflict in the group—I just don’t get the impression that it matters right now. Still, overall I’m more invested in these threads than I was for a lot of the first half, which lines up with your own thoughts on the last submission. As I go: Pg 3. I think it works to have other people been having these dreams we didn’t know about, though it does feel like something’s missing for me to be fully engaged. Maybe there could be more of a focus on the atmosphere this creates all throughout the first part of the story? Just spitballing. Pg 4-5. Nice to get some answers! I’m invested enough that it doesn’t feel like boring exposition, though I do hope the story keeps expanding on this dynamic. Pg 6. I like the setup of the characters having to choose between continuing the mission and going to Twilight’s Rift. I think knowing more about Twilight’s Rift and why V thinks they should go there could give the choice more weight. Pg 7. It’s nice to know that V is on good terms with the protags, and it could help to get more specifics on why. Pg 10. Not remembering the heat feels like a pretty big oversight. It can be okay for characters to make basic mistakes, but it can feel a bit bland unless there’s a character-specific reason the story delves into. Pg 11. I do find P provoking ME to be very entertaining. It plays with both of their personalities in a fun way. Pg 12. I like that P finds them beautiful, and it could help to know in what way given that it’s not a human way Pg 14-15. It’s nice to learn about the different customs that the T have, but I don’t get a sense of why it matters to the story Pg 16. The bit about the larva and the nursery is a bit of what I wanted with the last comment, actually. The nursery being important to T matters because the larva believes it is connected to the protags through nursery

Starting from the midpoint is definitely an option, though I'd share the concerns. I think the reason it works in Ancillary justice is that the story already asks you to be on board with some stuff that's confusing at first so that's not an issue and has the present plotline ask important questions about how things ended up this way that can only be answered by backstory so it doesn't get boring. I don't think this story's currently set up to do the same, though it certainly could be in revisions. I think fundamentally, I think the most compelling dynamics from the second half of the story need to be identified and be more present throughout. I've said that the hooks for me are the alien perspectives of V and the T. This can be done either by changing the plot (such as more encounters with the T early on), or approaches that don't change the plot events but allow us to be hooked by the dynamic earlier (such as getting a handle of V's alien inclinations while the protags still think they're an alien ship). And of course, that's only what appeals to me so far. Ideally we get other people chiming in about what hooks they're interested in.

This one ended up a bit shorter, which balances out me going over by a bit last week. Thanks as always!

I'll take a slot for today too please!

Overall: The way the story plays with what the crystal is and what V is are both pretty fun, and I think the strongest part about both is the distinct imagery with V and the way the crystal was communicating last submission and how that connects to what it actually is (an alien communicating in a compassionate but inhuman way). They both hook me more than what we’ve seen before the midpoint conflict. Which feeds into my thoughts as V as a whole. I think there’s not enough there about it for the first half of the story, and for a while it’s felt like it makes things too easy and simple for the characters by knowing all of the answers. Obviously we can’t get all the reveals about it right away, but it feels like this is the first time the story’s giving us interesting questions to ask about it. And again, I think the visuals of the fish here work well at making it feel alien yet connected to the protagonists, but if that dynamic doesn’t get set up until halfway through I think a lot of people who would be interested in it aren’t going to make it that far. As I go: Pg 1. It’s nice to touch on the different perspectives on what people believe is happening to A, but since they’re not really in a position to act about it this doesn’t feel much different from exposition Pg 4. This is a nice dynamic and I think the story would benefit a lot from getting into this earlier. Obviously the protags wouldn’t know but the corporate people probably would and it could make their scenes and the aliens in general feel more relevant Pg 5-6. I think this is the right decision for the characters to make, but right now things feel a little too easy, and I think there should be more conflict here either about what to do or establishing the difficulty of accomplishing it Pg 10. This is a lot of fun imagery and adds some much-needed complexity to how V fits into the story. I think what I need is a better sense of why V is reaching out like this to R now. Could it be something she figures out about it instead based on it asking the crystal? Just spitballing.

Additional warning for light body horror. We get into the midpoint crisis here, and I'm most curious if the emotional moments land. I am a few hundred words over, which I'll try not to make a habit. Thanks!

I'll take a slot for Monday please!

Overall: Happy to say that this one reads fairly well overall. It’s nice that we get some development for ME, and like I mention below in LBLs I think the main thing we need is a stronger sense of why these realizations are happening now since as written it feels like she could have realized this at any time. The second chapter is one of the strongest ones I’ve read, where the voice (that I’m assuming is the crystal) wants to help A in a way that is just unsettling enough to be intriguing. Though I’ll say without the email intro I don’t know if I would have guessed it was the crystal. Either way it makes me wonder if the story needs to wait so long to introduce this new voice. I like the idea of A’s anger being a central dynamic, and maybe it could help to see more of that earlier. In a lot of the first half her actions feel pretty standard for what you would expect from an unofficial leader, and focusing on her anger could help flesh her out in these situations. As I go: Pg 1. People don’t choose their sexuality, but there are environmental and genotype by environment interactions (which feels like something a computer should know, unless this knowledge is suppressed for a specific reason). Pg 2. Again maybe the computer has a specific reason for framing it this way but I don’t think those generalizations about science and religion are very accurate. Maybe the larger issue is that if these are supposed to be straight facts then it’s not that interesting for the computer to have a 100% accurate answer but if it’s not supposed to be objectively right then I have no idea what its angle is Pg 4. I think the dynamic of A putting them in danger for her grand ideals causing interpersonal issues with her anger has potential, though I’m not 100% sold on it yet Pg 6. This is nice development! I think what I need more of is seeing why ME is changing now. Right now it feels like she could have had these revelations at any time so it feels a bit arbitrary that this is happening now. Pg 8. I like how distinct the voice speaking to A is Pg 10. I think we already get that A’s anger is an issue by this point and the voice telling her about it feels a little heavy-handed

Congrats on your first submission! Overall: I like the idea of focusing on an executioner of an authoritarian king who has to walk the line between duty and conscience as he tries to root out the truth about what’s going on here. On a plot level, I feel like the main thing that’s missing is understanding why J’s death is important and what wheels it’s setting into motion. The story’s treating it like an inciting incident leading G down this path, but right now it’s not quite providing us with enough specific pieces to sell the fact that this is important. Other than that, I feel like I don’t get a good picture of the setting (some small details can go a long way). Beyond that my main comment with the scene by scene writing is that I mostly am getting the basics without a lot of specifics on what makes each of these scenes interesting enough to be worth showing. Though I think this is something that tends to naturally get smoothed out over time. As I go: Pg 1. Good news is that the chocolate introduction is distinct and stands out in a good way! That being said, I think we’re missing a story hook. A king can get insecure about his image at any time, so what’s the importance of this moment? Pg 3. Overall I don’t get a ton from this scene besides broad basics of an authoritarian king that aren’t quite hooking me Pg 6. Similar feeling here. It feels like most of the focus is on the basics, which can either be summarized or expanded upon Pg 9. Again, I do like the chocolate image here Pg 11. I’m sure a lot of people claim they’re framed. Why is G treating this specific case with such gravity? Pg 15. I like the idea of using this specific scene to tell us more about the broader picture of what G has done and how it affects people, but I’m not getting a ton out of this. We already know that G executing possibly innocent people is stirring up the cit

We have the buildup to the midpoint conflict this time, so I'm curious to see how it comes across!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow too please!

Happy this came through! Part of what I wanted to get in this rewrite was this impression from L/J that I got based on talking with pro-Palestine demonstrators at my university who are just normal, chill people who care about an issue enough to make noise about it. I'm not quite the radical that L/J is but I do want to get his character right so if you could keep tracking this that would be great!

I've clarified this a few times on previous submissions but my comments aren't about what logically makes sense for the characters, but what makes for an interesting story. The story can make the plot, characters, and setting however it wants with infinite possibilities, so why is this heist interesting enough to demand our attention? That's what the story needs to answer. I thought some more after posting this about why this didn't work for me since as I mentioned there was no glaring flaw, and I think where I've arrived is that I don't get a good sense of tension because the decisions don't hold much weight. I think when a heist goes wrong typically stories will focus on the specific wrong decision the characters made--trusting someone who betrayed them, disregarding one of the traps that ends up springing on them, etc. This is important because it creates tension where it feels like the characters could have succeeded if only things had gone a little differently, so the choices have a lot of weight. I think that's what's missing here.

Thanks for the feedback! That's very helpful. This is a good point, and probably does require more attention. I'm monolingual and trying to skirt around talking about language since it would be important to these people, but it makes sense that I'll miss things since I don't have that lived experience. Thanks for pointing this out!

Overall: The good news here is that I think the basic plot works well enough. Get in, things fall apart, make a frantic escape. However, I found myself not being especially engaged, and while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with these events per se I found them to be pretty nonspecific—or to put it bluntly, a bit generic. I think the best infiltrations are able to focus on what makes this one specifically interesting based on character dynamics and setting. So I think the main challenge here is taking the shell of a plot structure that works and making it feel unique to this story and set of characters. Which unfortunately means it’s hard for me to give specifics, since I think what I’m feeling is the lack of pieces that engage me rather than anything being flawed on its own if that makes sense. As I go: Pg 3-4. I think the plan itself is set up fine, though I wonder if we need to see all of this in action. Feels like the kind of thing that can be summarized since this feels like a pretty stock standard way of going about it Pg 7. I like the dynamic of ME using religion to shut people up for the sake of the mission. Maybe we could get more of this earlier so we know from the start what she provides to the team? Pg 10-11. I can see why R’s lingering on A being in potentially mortal danger, but I’m not sure if the story needs to tell us all of this Pg 12. I think part of the reason I’m not fully engaged is that I don’t know how powerful this robot is or what it can do

This is another one more focused on ideology and politics, so I'm curious how it reads. Thanks!

We always need more good labor rights activists. Hope that's going well!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

I got the document, but it’s probably worth resending to the whole group in case people are catching up later! Overall: Good news is that the plot works pretty well here. The plan is engaging because we have a reason to believe this time will be different (better gear), and then things go awry in a way that prevents them from getting the crystal, but gives them an opening to keep following the lead and putting pressure on. Some of my LBLs are moments I liked from the characters, which are my attempt to point out examples of how a chapter like this could go from “reads well enough” to “especially engaging and publication-ready” if played into. But of course expanding on the good elements can be more subjective than fixing issues (which is already subjective to begin with), so ultimately they’re just ideas. Hope it still helps! As I go: Pg 1. I like P tying sex back to the religion she doesn’t have any respect for as a character-specific form of irreverence Pg 2-3. A lot of the reflection doesn’t feel necessary to me, though I like the note about P not believing in asexuals existing Pg 8. I think the convo with the guys mostly works since it’s focused around a plan with a clear reason why it should hopefully go better than last time (better gear), though I think the few times the convo drifts off topic could be trimmed if you’re looking to cut word count. Pg 9. I like the detail about R putting armor on Too. Shows R’s concern and her desire to treat Too like anyone else Pg 11. I think the banter works better in cases like this where it’s about something plot-relevant like the tunnels. It’s a good way of showing characterization and worldbuilding without the story pausing. Pg 13. I think the M mercenaries showing up works fine, though ideally there’d be a way to show this in a way that doesn’t require a whole explanation afterwards to explain what happened

Thanks as always for the feedback!

I'll take a slot for monday please!