Appol PhD

Hi Paul! Looks like I didn't receive the email once again. Looking forward to reading it!

Hi everyone, We're falling down from the midpoint action here, with the goal of feeling like A's making progress emotionally but in a way that also makes things messier. Curious to see what people think!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Overall: I don't think the entire first chapter needs to be cut, but I do think it could be more focused around R's opinions on the anthropology and how it ties into her mission rather than the anthropology itself. The good news is that I did like the second one! I don't think it being a conversation is an issue because this is a challenge where talking things out is how the progress is made. A and H coming to a shared understanding of how to engage with the colonists is vital to the mission, and their differences in perspective make the conversation tense even though there's not a lot of action. My one comment on the conversation is that T being alien feels like it's only part of the problem. It's natural for the colonists to be skeptical of irreversible (is it irreversible?) brain changes no matter where they come from. And A being in a better place after the changes won't necessarily be reassuring either, since it could make them worry that they'll change too much to even care about what happened to the people they were. This is just spitballing, but I think there's a nice connection here to the discussion of authority. The corps control everything, and now that they're out the refugees are being asked to give up autonomy over their own minds (or at least that's how they see it). But because the T care less about that personal control and more about the collective good, they don't see the issue. And now it's A's job to bridge that seemingly impossible gap. As I go: Pg 1. I think describing anthropology itself matters less than what it means to R Pg 3. I'm a bit mixed on this so far. I do like R taking the step of not being afraid to share all of these thoughts, but I'm not sure if this is relevant enough to her mission for us to see it all in scene. Pg 5. Again, I think the bits we get about R's opinions are more interesting than the actual explanations. Pg 7. I think we need something to set up A's purpose here. If we're being shown this meeting I have to imagine it's important, so why is it important to A and what is she trying to get out of it going in? Pg 10. At this point I'm engaged Pg 11. A's not exactly being reassuring here about the procedure. Which is fine, but I think we need to know why. Does she think H needs some tough love?

Overall: I enjoyed this one! The first chapter does a good job setting up the pieces for Re, and the second one is a great exploration of T's character. You've seen me critique flashbacks before as often being unnecessary, but I think this one works great because it shows up at just the right time to make her emotions more complicated. As I go: Pg 2. I like the telepathy coming up here to show how Ro doesn't totally understand it and Re thinks he's using it as an excuse Pg 4. This is fun setup. Knowing that it's about trees and might require a whole planet evacuation is just the right amount of detail for a mystery Pg 6. I enjoyed this chapter! It does a good job keeping things up in the air while giving us enough pieces that we can think about how they might come together. Pg 8-9. I like this discussion, though it's also worth pointing out that neuroscience itself is very complex and more than just a lever on dopamine levels

Overall: It's good that we have a strong sense of direction here! I like the angle of the protags having to prove that the church is lying. For the first chapter, I think we should get there faster and focus more on what that is going to look like, which could be an opportunity to trim like the email mentions or to include some of the details after their goal is established so we know why they're important. For the second one, I do think it's nice to get some on the ground action of what resisting the corps actually looks like. I think what I need is a better sense that this particular mission is important. It seems like they do this kind of thing fairly often so why is this particular scene important enough to them to be the one mission we need to see on page? As I go: Pg 1-2. If you're looking to trim, I think these can be condensed into narration so we can get to the big question faster Pg 5. Why is finding Earth a big deal? Just because it's cool, or because it can theoretically support a bunch of refugees? Pg 6. Why does Earth have the power to move quadrillions of people? Pg 7. I like the comment about nobody listening to scientists because they want a simpler truth Pg 10. What's this character's perspective on why labor is resisting more? Pg 11. I think for this character specifically we need a clearer sense of stakes. We see the risk in infiltrating this area, but what's the reward and why does it matter to this person specifically? Pg 14. It's hard to get a sense of the bigger picture risk here. Is this person worried about reinforcements? Being tracked after they escape? I assume being spotted at all puts them in a compromising position.

Hi everyone, After a vacation, a move, and a new job tomorrow (no longer working with apples; maybe I should change my username) I'm back and hoping to participate more frequently. This submission is the culmination of the midpoint crisis, so I'm curious how it comes across. Thanks as always!

I'll take a slot please @Silk!

Overall: I'm happy to say that I think the core dynamic here of the protags having to cross cultural barriers and work with the colonists to make sure they go through adaptation is a good one! Both the T and human colonists' actions make sense, and the protags are the only ones who can bridge that gap which gives a sense of stakes. That being said, my engagement really only picked up on page 11 when I got an idea of the dynamics that the protags will be navigating--that the T don't understand human desperation and that their reactions are making the humans even more desperate. I don't think these chapters need to be paced faster necessarily, but I do think we need those emotional dynamics to be a bit clearer early on and maybe have the protags overcome some small challenges to get this info so it doesn't feel like everything's being told to them. As I go: Pg 2. It's cool to run into these aliens, but I think we need something to challenge the protagonists (could be making contact, could be something else) Pg 3. It feels like the story is trying to make things dire for the protagonists with Too's condition which is good, but it still doesn't feel like a challenge because I'm not sure what they'll do about it besides hope for the best Pg 4. This is a more interesting hook to me because it's something only the protagonists can handle. I'm hoping to see problem solving where they overcome specific challenges posed by this situation soon. Pg 6-7. Feels like we're losing the plot a bit here Pg 11. The T not feeling desperation is a fun note, and I think it could be a larger focus for how the protags navigate this situation. -for the adaptation, are the humans unwilling to try or did it just not work?

Hi Paul, Just checked my email and saw I didn't get this one, though I did get submission 4 just fine. I alerted Silk that we've been having issues getting submissions and she said she's not sure what she can do in the short term but that she'll look into it.

Yeah, I think those work a bit better! Been a while since I read the original text but I think this gives a better idea of how invested the archbishop is which raises the stakes by telling us that he's willing to resort to extreme measures.

Overall: There are some fun moments here but unfortunately it came across to me as a bit unfocused and disconnected from the larger story. I was thinking about Silk’s previous comments about not being able to see the shape of the story and that’s the feeling I get here. I think this could be reworked around a more central conflict or cut down and woven into narration of future chapters. As I go: Pg 1-2. The interpersonal dynamics here read pretty well, though I think we need more off the bat on what they’ll be doing beyond just leaving V. Pg 3-5. Here I think the momentum doesn’t hold up as much as the first two pages due to lacking a sense of direction or conflict Pg 7. Unfortunately I don’t think this chapter justifies its inclusion in the story as written. Most of what I get is conflicted feelings about leaving V and I don’t think there’s enough for me to feel like we need to see it in scene for seven pages. Pg 9. I like the character voice here! Good balance of unlikable in a specific way without being too over the top. Pg 12. Feels like we’re jumping around to a lot of random topics. I’m not sure why we need to know this, and I’m not sure why it needs to come from these people.

I think the issue is that this doesn't really come across as a big decision on its own, since it's not clear what the tangible consequences of it are going to be (for the protagonists or the larger world state)

Heads up that I’m going to be traveling for the next couple of weeks, so I might be delayed on getting to those submissions. Overall: I think this is a nice start to the story! I like starting on an interpersonal conflict. I remember you saying that parenthood is a big part of the series and I really didn’t get that sense much from the first book but starting the story off like this is a good way of putting that issue in the spotlight. The second entry reads well and I enjoyed the dynamics, but it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of impact on the larger story. For this to feel like an important part of the story I think there needs to be a larger turning point or big decision that justifies us seeing all of this in scene. As I go: Pg 2-3. I like that we get right into a surprising emotional twist, though I think we need to know a bit more on T’s emotions other than being angry (either knowing more about why she’s angry or having the emotions be more complex) Pg 4. I like the imagery here Pg 7. I also like the format of going back and forth between present and memory, and that this is where it becomes clear that T is the one rooting through them Pg 9. I like the writing style here, though I’m hoping for a hook soon about how this scene is important for our protagonists/the larger plot Pg 12. I like the disagreements in approaches here, and I hope this culminates in a big decision that justifies us being shown this scene Pg 14. Right now C getting fried feels like an excuse to have the archbishop be brutal. I think it would flesh out the story more to give C a clearer reason for the statement instead of it being an ill-advised offhand comment. What is he actually trying to get out of this exchange, and why can’t the archbishop accept it? Digging deeper into that is where the meat of the story is.

Hi everyone, Like I mentioned before, this is a bit of a shorter one. We're approaching the midpoint crisis here, so I'm curious to see how it comes across!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

Overall: Not a lot of issues with the writing here and I like the aspect of how human infighting makes it trickier for these people to step in. My main comment is that a lot of the conversations here don’t feel as important as they could be because we don’t know how they affect the plan. How does their approach change for humans compared to the other species? If the humans did do this to each other, what extra precautions are the protagonists taking to protect themselves while going in for the rescue? Having the plan incorporate this information will make it feel more like they’re solving problems and less like they’re just setting the scene. As I go: Pg 1. This does a good job setting the scene, though I think we may need a clearer emotional hook. What unique elements do these characters bring to the table? Pg 3. It’s good to have a plan and the reasoning behind it, and I think this makes sense. Though again, I think we could use more hints that this isn’t going to be as quick and easy as they hope. Pg 4. I think even as someone who’s read stories in this world before, it should be clearer why it matters which species it is. They think these people are humans, so how does that change their approach compared to AR or M? Pg 6. They come to this decision pretty easily, which isn’t necessarily bad, but right now I’m not feeling a lot of tension and this could be a good place to add some. Pg 8. I like that the humans having fought each other makes the situation more complicated, and I think we need more of that complexity (not necessarily this specific reveal) earlier on

Hi Paul, I haven't received the chapter (and checked the spam folder). Would you mind forwarding it to me?

Hi everyone, Last submission was and the next one will be a bit shorter, so I felt okay going a little over the word count limit. No specific questions for this one; looking forward to seeing what people think!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Overall: I enjoyed this story, and I think the LBLs cover most of my feedback. I think the biggest comment is that if the protags are more active about piecing things together throughout (which I does have some good moments doing already) it gives their choices more weight. I’ll also highlight an LBL about wanting to see more of I’s background in action. I don’t know their exact job but it seems like they have a lot of skills that are useful in a search and rescue mission so learning how they approached previous missions and how it informs what they’re doing here could also give their actions more weight. As I go: Pg 1. I like the first line for immediately setting the conflict and giving some background. The rest of the paragraph doesn’t work as well for me though since what it hits on doesn’t feel unique to these characters. Pg 2. The tension of the narrator wanting to help but being scared of being replaced is good! I think we could use a bit more on that fear. Do they have an idea of what their life looks like without S and why it scares them? Pg 4. I think the important part of this info is how it informs the dynamic between the narrator and S. S being dubious about aliens is a good start, and I think we need more of that (or cutting down some of the more technical details) Pg 6. What if the J do turn aggressive? Is it worth considering fleeing right now? Could be an opportunity to explore why they push forward into a dangerous situation. Pg 8. I like that I is connecting the danger to the big picture of what happened and is making a plan, though right now I’m having a hard time gauging how big of a threat the thing is to them right now Pg 11. S thinking it’s K is a fun beat, but I think it would be stronger with more to go off. Something that feels personal to S and maybe I, like a short phrase or physical gesture they shared (doesn't have to be those exactly) Pg 12. Did we know that K is S’s sister? Oh, coming back from the end it sounds like a lie to get around potential homophobia. At the time I thought it was a twist that I was insecure enough that it extended to family relationships -Using music to progress the story is cool but I think we could use clues about this earlier Pg 13. I like that this uses I’s specific knowledge from their skillset to put them in the position to handle this. I’d love to see more details about how those skills inform this whole search and rescue plan earlier on. Pg 14. I don’t think it’s inherently bad to have the priest help out here, but right now it feels like they’re swooping in to fix all the problems for the protagonists. Maybe it could feel more earned if I pieces together that the J are here to help and persuades everyone else to listen as they're about to close the door? Just spitballing.

Thanks for the feedback! On the frame, I'm a bit mixed. There were bits that I found helpful that I don't think I'd have gotten otherwise (like offering possibilities for what the school could look like in a previous comment--I realized I didn't know which is a good sign I have to think about it more), but I'm more interested in overall reactions than hitting all of these points every chapter (especially since a lot of the points are going to be pretty similar each time). Maybe most of the critiques could focus more on general impressions and you could use this frame every once in a while at big moments to cover these points for how they feel across multiple submissions?

Hi everyone, Here I continue focusing on progression of character dynamics with not a ton of big revelations for the main plot, so I'm curious how that reads. There's some discussions of sex, but nothing graphic on page. Thanks!

Are we good to go @Silk?

I'll take a slot for tomorrow too please!