Appol PhD

Overall: In terms of trimming, I think a lot of the dialogue not around the gifts in the first chapter can be cut (though reworking it is always an option) because it’s not brought about by current events so it stalls the narrative a bit. I also think a lot of the last entry can be summarized, since we don’t get much more from hearing them say it out loud. The bit about the V was the only part that seemed potentially work showing the full discussion for. Like I said in the LBLs, it’s good to have motion in character dynamics but I don’t think A and R’s intimacy totally lands here. I think the story needs to put more work into showing what’s actually bringing them closer instead of just having them talk things out (which they could have done at any time). The cooking is a start, since that they couldn’t have done at any time due to lack of ingredients, and I think we need to see more of how moments like that bring out their intimacy. Also, narrative relationships typically work best as a push and pull. When the story brings characters together, it also has to push them apart to give the conflict more momentum. I don’t get a sense of that here, so the dynamic feels more one-note. As I go: Pg 3. We’ve been dealing with R’s jealousy for a while, and it hasn’t really been doing anywhere. Not sure what the point is. Pg 4-5. I think the gift part works all right because it’s clear why we get those beats (because this is when A has time to get gifts for people), but this doesn’t feel like it has a reason for being here. Pg 7. Once we get back on track with the gifts it works a bit better again Pg 9. Good to see that Too is feeling better with real food, but after that passes it doesn’t feel like we’re getting a lot important Pg 11. It’s good to get movement in A and R’s relationship, but I think the story needs to do a bit more work weaving it into the narrative. Specifically, why cooking together here and now is what makes them take the next step. Pg 12. This is a lot of expositional dialogue to get off the bat. Could this be summarized so we have a better idea of where the story’s taking us? Pg 15. Most of this feels like stuff we don’t need to see played out until the V come in. That feels like the main contention point that actually changes the game.

Hi everyone, We learn a bit more about K and J's pasts and identities as their investigation+relationship continues to progress. No real specific questions, so any and all feedback welcome!

Hi @Silk forgot to ask yesterday but is it okay if I take a slot today? If not, I can go next week.

I think that could really help!

Overall: Not a ton to add that I didn’t hit on in LBLs. I think the third chapter is the strongest because it really pushes ME’s character and forces her to confront complexity and contradictions—it’s a tricky topic to handle well, but from a pure characterization standpoint I think it’s well done. The first chapter is good at making side characters feel more connected to the plot, though I’m not sure why R’s improvising instead of planning more carefully and it would be nice to get a better picture of what the company actually wants. The second one doesn’t feel necessary to me, and could probably be cut entirely without much issue. As I go: Pg 1. This already feels like a lot of characters in the scene at once Pg 4. Since some people are staying behind, who’s here? Pairing ME and R seems like it could cause issues Pg 5. I like the detail about having to actually sing to blend in, but I don’t think we need to see the singing in action Pg 6. Feels like they should have gone over the plan beforehand instead of R catching the all by surprise Pg 10. Most of the corporate scenes have worked for me, but this one isn’t holding my interest as much. I think the key thing here is that we don’t know if a big change or decision is coming out of this, so it feels like a lot of info with not a lot of story behind it. Pg 12. As written I don’t think this chapter feels necessary. If it gets cut entirely I probably wouldn’t notice anything was missing. Pg 14. A’s gift is a good narrative touch here that helps to complicate the relationship Pg 16. I like the moment of closeness followed by argument, though at the start it feels like they’re rehashing a lot of old ground and then A’s accusation at the bottom of the page feels a bit out of left field Pg 17. This is a good beat (though it probably warrants a content warning of some kind), though I think I need a bit more than ME crying to show how T and A figured it out Pg 18. The note about R seeing it is good for complicating the situation ME is in. Despite my above comments feeling confused in the moment I think this chapter comes together pretty nicely.

Hello everyone and happy Labor Day to any fellow Americans! We get an important new character here in K's mom, and I'm curious how she comes across. Other than that, no real specific questions!

I'll also take a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

All right here I go! Overall: I feel like the two chapters here have opposite challenges to work through. The first one is character-focused, and has some good development in R and T’s relationship, but it feels a bit too scattered to come together. The second one feels tighter from a plot standpoint where one event clearly leads to another and is important for a larger plan, but the characters don’t feel super fleshed out here. These could both be cut down pretty heavily if that’s the goal here, or some elements could be reworked like giving M a more distinct way of rushing in to save the day. As I go: Pg 1-2. Most of this doesn’t feel necessary with the commentary about A and JR maybe having a thing not really adding much to the story. If you’re looking for places to cut this could be a start (or it could be reworked). Pg 3. To be honest, I kind of forgot Too was here. I think it’s fine for her to pop in and out as needed, but I think there needs to be more narrative logic around when she does (or in other words, it feels a bit random right now). Pg 4-5. I think the characters summarizing their feelings like this can make them feel too simple, but I still think this is the strongest part of the chapter so far. It’s good that T and R’s dynamic feels tense, with the ability to get better or get worse. Pg 9. I think most of page 8 is fine for setting the scene, but it feels like a lot of this can be trimmed down. Pg 11. I don’t think I’m getting enough from the conversation itself for it to justify being played out in scene. D and M read fine, but they don’t stand out and I feel like I wouldn’t be missing much if this conversation were a paragraph of summary. Pg 13. I think it’s good to have some action to show that M is important, but this doesn’t feel like it shows us anything distinct about him.

Overall: The first entry is my favorite one so far, for all of the reasons we talked about on the last submission. It does a good job placing characters in tense situations where the way they act feels distinct to them, and does a good job selling that these are all traumatized people whose trauma causes them to butt heads. When I talked about characterization through action, this is exactly what I wanted. The second one mostly reads pretty well because there are clear stakes where A and R need JR to agree over the course of a single conversation to keep their plan alive, though I think there is some room to trim. My bigger issue is that I don’t believe JR has survived this long by funding unproven liberators and letting them make their own plans. It’s possible that he’s planning on keeping them on a tighter leash than they realize, but A and R should be able to recognize that by how JR holds all the cards here. As I go: Pg 1. I already like that it feels like a big moment for the characters, and P’s decision to charge in instead of backing away tells us a lot about her character Pg 3. This is also the most interesting character note we get from ME. She sold her friends out and doesn’t approve of the way P’s sexuality, but she’s not about to let a friend drown. That action speaks a lot louder than her words. Pg 4. I like the like about how they look like snakes mating. Really feels like it comes from P specifically rather than feeling generic. Pg 6. I also like the detail about the teasing working better with guys than girls. Explains a lot of why she’s been butting heads with her friends and hasn’t been learning quickly from it. Pg 7. This does a good job of setting up the current conflict. JR seems like he could really help the protags and agrees with them on an ideological level, but actually getting through to him is going to be hard. That push and pull is important here. Pg 8. I also like that getting an audience with JR requires them to dig deeper into their lies. One step forward, one step back. Pg 12. I’m curious what B finding the ship means. Are we supposed to know that at this point? Pg 13. At this point it feels like we get too off-topic. I’m mostly interested in if JR wants to help and what he’ll demand in return if so.

Hi everyone, Not a lot of specific comments for this one. Thanks for reading!

It's hard to know for sure without reading the entry but this sounds like the exact kind of thing I'm looking for! A reacting in a way that's pretty extreme and unexpected but is still consistent with her characterization and makes some sense given the life-or-death nature of this whole ordeal.

I'll take a slot for monday please!

I wouldn't say I'm expecting things to go faster, but I do think they need to be more focused. Saving this planet is the first real plot hook we have, and shifting that up doesn't require the story to be an action thriller. Another different plot hook would be fine too, but I'm needing more than what I'm getting right now. Yes, and it's the story's job to focus on the important bits of that. There's a reason stories don't show a bunch of scenes of characters sleeping with nothing happening even though we spend hours doing that every day, and that also extends to when they're awake and active but nothing important for the story is happening. I guess the first question I have is why can't the story rework her and change her into someone she's not? That kind of thing happens all the time in editing. To actually answer, I think that she needs to have a more specific take on the religion that comes from her characterization. The religion seems based of Christianity, and there's a ton of variation in how it comes across. The church I walk past every day has the nonbinary flag out front and "all love is equal" written on the board. What's ME's specific take on this religion, how is that informed by her personal experiences, and why does that matter for the story? I think it needs to answer those questions. Yeah, that sounds rough to grow up with, and it is believable for a person to act this way. I just don't think it's the right choice for a story. I don't think ME needs to be humanized or sympathetic necessarily, but I think there needs to be more specific insight on either her characterization or the religious system here. It just felt like an odd thing to bring up when the gun is right there and addressing it feels a lot more important than the sexuality bit. I do think it could work to have A talk around the issue to help distract R but I think we need to have a reason that this works on her specifically. I'm not fully convinced of this from what the story has shown, though I think the bigger issue is that from a storytelling perspective this on its own isn't a compelling dynamic. It's very easy to say that two characters were roommates for 10+ years, and it's the story's job to show what that means based on their individual characterizations. It's hard to say because (at the risk of being blunt) I'm really not getting anything at all from her. Any ideas I have would feel like me trying to write the character from scratch myself. It's not really a matter of missing anything; it just doesn't make sense as currently written. R doesn't ask the question but she does say it out loud, and we don't get any sense from A why she can't just answer it. I feel like the idea that internality is the solution to fleshing out characters is part of the issue the story is having here. Internality is one tool out of many, not a silver bullet solution, and it has to work extra hard to justify itself in the story since everything else has to pause for it to happen. If you could solve every character issue by adding more internality, then writing character-driven stories would be really easy. In this story, I think the biggest thing missing is characterization in actions. We get some of this, but the way they approach scenes doesn't feel super specific to them.

Thanks for the reply! The larger comments about scenes are helpful for working through the story. I've seen some fiction do this, but it comes across as a bit old-timey to me. So barring other opinions, I'll probably stick to how I've been doing it. Just an fyi that when I keep doing this it won't be because I didn't read your critiques. Thanks!

And onto the next one! Overall: I like what the scene with A and R is going for by bringing up old pains that make them feel closer. One of my rules of thumb when writing about character dynamics is that each scene should bring the characters closer while pushing them away at the same time, and this does a good job of that. However, it didn’t fully land for me because there’s not a lot new we learn about R and it’s not clear to me how it actually changes things for A. As for the question about ME’s tantrum, my hangup isn’t with the intensity of the tantrum but how nonspecific it is. She feels like a standard-issue homophobe rather than a fleshed-out character. As for whether the second scene feels too easy, for me it’s a yes and no situation. I don’t think R and A feeling better after talking it out is necessarily too easy, but it also doesn’t feel like the dynamic has changed enough to justify that. I do think the last section reads pretty well. I think there’s enough restraint here where the characters see themselves as practical corporate agents rather than mustache-twirling villains that makes it work well. As I go: Pg 1-2. Why is this coming up now? Did the computer just do this on its own? Pg 4. P needling ME like this does help make P stand out, though I’m not sure what this does for the story Pg 5. I think I’ve said something like this before, but whenever ME talks it feels like we’re getting an infodump on the religion rather than hearing a specific person speak Pg 8. I think this stuff is fine for A to say, but to me it doesn’t make sense when R is suicidal Pg 9. This continues to raise the question of why they’re putting up with ME to begin with. Pg 10. If the story wants us to believe that ME is more complex than she lets on I think it needs to do more work showing that. Pg 11. I do like the idea of the story using R’s book smarts to help them make a plan. I think for stories like this it’s good for everyone to have a role. Pg 12. Not quite sure why they’re talking around the issue of whether A is interested in R in return Pg 14. I don’t think we need to see all of this internality, especially since it’s not related to the plot

Okay, time to dig in! Overall: It feels like this is the first time we get the shape of the main plot, which I think needs to come way sooner. I don’t think the attempted heist necessarily does, but in my mind figuring out this high-level plan to get the crystal should be chapter 2 right after they get the ship in chapter 1. If the story wants to keep the other scenes, they could easily be reworked as being necessary to get access/entry to this ship, etc. Of course, this is all prescriptive, so feel free to take it or leave it. Aside from that, not a lot else new I’m noticing. Again, mostly I’m glad that we have a shape of the plot starting to develop. I think the aliens work well enough as a threat that advances the plot, which is all I think they need to be doing right now. As I go: Pg 1. It feels like there could be something here about being homosexual vs homoromantic, but I think the story needs to be more precise here if that’s something we’re supposed to be tracking. Pg 2. It feels like the story’s stalling a bit by having them stand around and talk about this Pg 4. This feels like one of the first conflicts that ties the plot, characterization, and worldbuilding together in a good way. I think we should get to this point way earlier in the story. Pg 6. I feel like there should be more justification for looping ME on this when she literally just sold them out. Not abandoning her is one thing, and trusting her with this is another entirely Pg 8. Not sure why they’re stopping to shower. If their ship is designed to be lived in, shouldn’t there be something like that there? Pg 9. The computer is also confusing me, since it sounded like they had boarded the enemy ship. Pg 12. I’m willing to believe the infighting given their lack of experience with this, but it feels like things have gone too smoothly for them given that

Hi everyone, I'm back with a new novel and new 17th shard username. This new story is a sequel to A Bond of Wildflowers and is a similar brand of YA supernatural romance, dealing with similar ideas about isolation and integration in a more overtly political way. However, reading A Bond of Wildflowers isn't necessary to understand what's going on in this one. A bit of background is that I actually wrote the first draft of this novel a whopping four years ago, and I've fully rewritten it from scratch twice since. So I feel like I have a good understanding of what the story wants to be about and what it's trying to do but I haven't had anyone critique it yet so I have no idea how it comes across. Any and all feedback welcome as always, and it would be great to know how the characters come across with their first impressions. This submission is a bit over 5k to give a full intro to the story, and I don't plan on making that a habit. One last thing: I'm guessing nobody here is a fluent Chinese speaker but throughout the novel there's a lot of talking in Taishanese that I write out in English, and it would be great to get eyes on if those conversations make sense as a translation of what is supposed to be Taishanese (I don't speak a word of any Chinese dialect). There were some pretty simple things I had a hard time finding online, like if Taishanese-speakers would be expected to have different names than the standard names I took from Chinese baby name websites, so any insight is appreciated! Thanks!

Looks like I never got the email with the word doc. Would you mind checking if you sent it and if so resend it to me? Thanks!

Hi @Silk is it too late to have a slot for this week? I'd like to either slot in this week or for next week if you think that would work better. Thanks!

All right, let’s dig in! Overall: There’s some good characterization here, though I feel like most of it comes from the doctor (who I’m guessing isn’t going to be a recurring character?) rather than R herself. I also think M in the second chapter has better characterization than the protagonists, since he has a distinct role that serves the worldbuilding (psion) that connects back to the plot (makes him more powerful if he gets the crystal) and shows the specific way he plans based on the person he is. So right now my main takeaway is that we need a lot more of that for the protagonist group because most of them don’t feel that fleshed out in comparison. Right now the corporate plot also feels pretty disconnected from what A and co are doing. Which can be fine for a sci-fi story, but right now it kinda feels like they’re taking place in two different universes entirely rather than expanding on each other’s ideas. As I go: Pg 1-2. The doctor’s characterization feels stronger than what we get from a lot of the protagonist group, honestly. It’s a fun dynamic with her working to help R but being very flippant because she’s seen it all Pg 4. Well it’s not really the genes changing with epigenetics. Could be a jumping off point for worldbuilding to explore why epigenetics is taboo despite its usefulness as a medical treatment for rich people, etc. Pg 7. By this point it feels like we’re retreading old ground and the story is losing momentum Pg 10. Is there a reason the flashback can’t be a separate scene? If it’s framed as being a dream then it’s less reliable and controlled Pg 11. I feel like this is the first bit of interesting characterization we get from P—that her strong sense of sexuality lets her see the problems with the church restricting it. Pg 14-15. This is good for helping me understand the setting while still telling us how the plot will be progressing. -What’s the advantage of developing that specific virus for this plan?

That's a good thing to know about the story! In that case, I think the story needs to show us more of why this diversity is important. Right now it doesn't feel like the differences between the characters are all that important or all that helpful to them. For me it's less a problem of this scene and more that it feels like we need more specific characterization from her on a broad level. I think my initial suggestion would be to think about specific experiences that made her this way, which will feel more personal than her acting this way because she's a priest. If this is the goal, then I think the issue is that we haven't really seen this. It's good for the characters to have disagreements and conflict when they're stuck together by necessity, but we also need to see why them sticking together gives them a better shot at survival. A does say this, and I believe that she means it, but the story needs to convince us that P and R and ME are actually important for their survival which it hasn't done for me so far. People have a variety of opinions on this, but I think it's fine and even helpful sometimes for a character's sexuality to be speculated on but not totally spelled out. Sexuality is complicated and the characters have bigger issues to worry about. In terms of the storytelling, I can see why from R's perspective this comes out now but it feels a bit nonspecific. Right now it doesn't feel like she grapples with this in a way that's personal to her. Maybe this is another case where focusing more on individual experiences unique to her could help flesh her out.

All right time to dig in! Overall: In the interest of not rehashing my same comment about tightening up the large-scale narrative, I’ll say that I think this section gives me a better idea of what the story is about. Right now it seems to be about friends who are together by necessity and how they have to work together, which I think has a lot of potential. I like that A takes a clear stance of leaving nobody behind as a key character trait, though I’d like a bit more characterization on why this is important for her. For ME, I guess I’d say too opaque at the start and it gets obvious later on (unless I’m missing something beyond her selling out her friends to the slavers out of religious guilt), though I don’t think it being obvious is a bad thing. To me the bigger problem for the story to solve is that ME’s motivations don’t feel super fleshed out. As for the rescue, it feels a little easy, though on a logical level I think the issue comes down to how the consequences of this aren’t really highlighted. I’m willing to believe it’s possible for a couple people to bust someone out of a local corporate holding cell by surprise, but doing so marks them as far more dangerous than they were before and is likely to attract a lot of attention. To me the interesting part is exploring why A still makes the decision knowing that, which the story doesn’t do right now. As for whether the secret is too cliché or outdated… I think yes and no. Right now it doesn’t fully land with me but I think it could if the story has something more specific to say about sexuality under the systems of power in this particular society. As I go: Pg 1-2. The characterization here comes across a bit stronger than previous sections, which is good. I don’t want R to mope forever, but it’s good for her to make choices that feel specific to her as a character. Pg 3. I didn’t realize that ME is also labor. Could be interesting to explore how what a priest while still being a lower caste means since the religion has been shown so far as an institution of power Pg 4. This feels a bit out of nowhere. Why is this violence breaking out? If this is ME’s doing I think her narration needs to do a bit more work leading us into this. Pg 6. It’s good to have this conflict, and I like the attempt to give ME complexity by stretching her between her friends and her duty. Still, this doesn’t quite land for me, since I don’t think the story’s put in the work to establish what it means for them to believe her vs. not. Pg 7-8. I think it’s good for the story that A tries to hash out a plan, but it feels like that momentum is dropped quickly. Pg 9-10. It feels like the story wants to be about the conflict of friends trying to stick together as escapees, which could be a good focus. Right now it’s not totally landing, but I think if the characterization got fleshed out then it could. I think one thing that could help is establishing what the story’s angle is on why these friends sticking together is so important. Pg 13. I like the detail that weapons are designed for anyone to use, since it lets the story handwave a bit of why these two laborers with no military training are storming this place so quickly Pg 15. I like the attempt, though I’m not convinced this is the most interesting way for R’s conflict around sexuality to come out. I think we need either a tighter plot that forces this to be more of an issue or tighter characterization that really sells this.

I'm really glad it helps! Like I said I don't expect the way you conceptualize stories to be the same as mine, but for me that mindset shift was both the hardest thing I learned (or at least started to learn) and also the most helpful. For me it ended up being liberating to figure out the process of making larger changes instead of feeling stuck tweaking the existing chapters over and over. And agreed on hoping more people are able to comment. Especially for the big sweeping changes I'm suggesting it's good to see if people other than me are seeing something similar.

Would be great to have foreshadowing for this! Yep. Like I said good to acknowledge the possibilities but there's a lot of exposition The point isn't about whether they should try and more about how the story is framing it. The story can choose to set up this conflict however it wants and right now it doesn't feel like it's fully putting in the work to establish the stakes Doing it weekly can make for a slow reading pace but I think that catching plot issues early on is actually one of the advantages of the format, not disadvantages. If a reader gets disengaged, they're not necessarily going to wait until the point the author wants them to. Obviously the way everything fits together isn't to be fully developed until the end, but if the point is to see how everything fits together and there's no progress on that until the end then it means everything before that is unnecessary. That sounds like an oversimplification, but it's the mindset that has produced the best results for me. At the risk of projecting my personal mindset as being the "right" way, I think it can really help to reframe thinking around these kinds of story matters (which I've had to do--some of my early drafts are far more scattered than this). Instead of viewing this section as necessary for having the next sections make sense, I think it's better to ask what's important about this larger arc and the most interesting way to lead into it. Maybe that means summarizing this, maybe it means tweaking bits to add foreshadowing, or maybe it means completely rewriting this and changing the plot to better explore what the story is interested in. This is also connected to how when I want a stronger sense of plot, it's not necessarily related to reveals. Some slower paced works can feel very tight in terms of plot (though I have a hard time doing that) because the narrative is focused. An idea that's helped me from the literary sphere is called narrative control, which basically means that the story should feel like it's in control of where it's going and what it's showing us. This isn't a story about a group of people stealing a ship and taking it to a bar, so if the story includes that scene it should be because it's using that scene in a specific, intentional way to develop the story rather than as a necessary evil to get us from point A to B. The reason I'm saying all of this is that a few years back I submitted the first 4-5 chapters of a story here and was told that there was no plot, despite all the things happening that I thought were cool. And while it was hard to take at the time, that feedback was the best thing that happened for my writing because it got me thinking about plot in this way. Your process might not be the same as mine, and I'm certainly not done learning how to make a plot, but I hope it's helpful to at least consider.

All right time to get reading! Overall: Similar comments, with my biggest hangup being that the plot doesn’t feel super cohesive. I can see why the characters would want to go drinking after getting their ship and money, but if the story’s about A taking on the universe and freeing laborers then why is this important enough to show us? There’s nothing wrong with it per se, but as is currently it doesn’t feel like a necessary part of the story. The interpersonal conflict with ME has some promise, though right now her worldview doesn’t feel super fleshed out and her dialogue feels like she’s regurgitating ideology without much characterization to it. I believe that there would be people like this in the setting, but I don’t believe that this is the most interesting version of this type of person the story could show us. For a lot of these comments, I recommend zooming out from these individual chapters and thinking about what really matters to the larger story instead of tweaking this individual submission too much. A lot of my comments are broad because I don’t think there’s one clear easy fix, and making the story feel more cohesive could involve some high-level plot restructuring. At least, that’s my approach when I’m trying to iron out these issues in editing. As I go: Pg 2. So far this scene doesn’t feel like it moves the story along, and the exploration also doesn’t answer my most burning question (why the ship is here and what happened to the earlier group of people). Right now this feels like an arbitrary stroke of good luck Pg 3. If they know that ME is going to be like this, why did they bring her along? Are they scared she’ll lead the authorities to them if they let her go? Pg 5. It’s good to set the scene with possibilities, but this feels like quite a bit of exposition in dialogue Pg 7. The interpersonal conflict with ME feels like a good focus, but right now the pressure that’s on the characters to work this out feels a little nebulous. ME could snitch in a day, a year, or never, so it’s hard to know if attempts to resolve the situation are meaningful. Pg 8-9. Right now I’m not getting a good sense of the conflict. It seems like things are going fine for our PoV character, and it doesn’t feel like an important moment for their (probably evil) plans Pg 11. Not sure what this scene adds to the story right now. I'd say it could probably be cut. Pg 14. Similar comments on this chapter so far. It’s hard for me to get a feeling of the plot, and I’m not sure why this is important enough to be showing us