Appol PhD

Overall: These ones read pretty well once it’s clear what’s going on and what the stakes are. It’s nice to see A having agency and making important decisions. I think what’s missing is some of the background on the world and character here. It feels odd for A to have so much responsibility right out of the gate as a young refugee, so I think we need a bit more about how she gets to where she is. I think we also need more on why this restaurant idea specifically connects to her personal arc and is meaningful to her. As I go: Pg 2. This is a fun interaction. I think what I need more of is background framing on what A is here for and why it matters. Pg 3-4. I want to like F’s personality, though I think I need more context. If it’s reprogrammed, why is it able to be so tongue and cheek? Pg 6. All right now I’m seeing how this submission connects to the last one. I think we need to know what A is up to earlier. Pg 7. It’s good that A is showing some backbone, but I need a bit more about why she thinks this strategy is (or isn’t but she’s trying anyway) to work on W. Pg 12. The last entry had a good sense of the stakes/importance I was looking for because it was clear why the meeting was important enough to be shown. With this, I’m not as sure why the conversation is important enough to be shown. Pg 13-14. The detail about company and stories that show the different culture critical of capitalism is good, and these are the kinds of things I’m looking for when I talk about wanting each moment to feel important for A specifically instead of being something that feels like it just kind of happens. Pg 16-17. These are some fun details, though so far I don’t see the thematic connections to A’s story.

Yeah, but that's mostly immigration within Europe. My mom lived in Europe a bit during the 90s and said that by and large people were much more hostile and racist than Americans are (though she was mostly in France and said it was better in other parts of Europe). But that's not even really the point. This is a fictional world where lots of people want to escape the anarcho-capitalist system, and taking in refugees is always a complicated and messy process. It's the story's job to find the conflict and the complexity in those underlying mechanics. Doesn't mean the EU has to be morally grey necessarily.

Overall: As an isolated scene, this one reads pretty well with a nice sense of progression as A and the others slowly work their way through this secret lab. I think most of the work needed is to make this feels like it matters for the larger themes and plot. A common way of approaching this is through character stakes—how does every detail we get feed into what A wants out of this situation, and what decisions is she making that could determine success or failure for what that is? As I go: Pg 3. Is A in charge of these people? That’s what the dynamic feels like but I’m not sure why she’d be put in a position of command. Pg 5. I know I keep harping on this but my biggest thought is that we need a clearer sense of stakes/importance. The scene reads pretty well but if the story is about A’s journey I’m not sure why this matters for it. Pg 9. The details that suggest this is more mysterious/important than a standard drug lab are good, and do a bit of the work on the above point about making this scene matter for the larger story. I’d suggest frontloading some of this. -Are the embryos human or alien?

I don't have a hard deadline, but I might start on revisions in a couple months or so. I'd still look at feedback I get after that point but my direction for revision would probably be more established at that time.

All right time to dig in! Overall: I don’t think the pacing is too slow at all, since there are a lot of changes that happen for A. I think instead of getting to the point faster what we need is more stakes and complexity, which are related to each other. For stakes, it’s not clear how these interactions could result in a success or fail state for what A wants. This is a pretty pivotal series of events from her but I’m not getting a lot on what she’s actually trying to accomplish here. For complexity, a lot of what I’m thinking about comes from how the EU is set up. Right now they basically feel like the good guys when taking in refugees like A feels like it should be a lot more complicated. Even if the story plans to make the EU more flawed later it’s important to introduce some complexity upfront. As I go: Pg 2. It’s good to get motion, but I think we need more stakes. I imagine that how A comes across to the EU people is important in what her future looks like, and I think we need something like that on the page. Pg 5. The light cycle is one of those details where it’s very cool that the story thinks of it, but I think we need more on why these details inform the stakes of A’s specific situation. Pg 6. I think we need some more background details on immigration into EU. I don’t really associate Europe with being friendly towards immigration or having the infrastructure to accommodate it throughout modern history. It can totally be different in this sci-fi world, but I think we need to know why. Pg 11. C’s gifts are fun details to set up. Curious how they’ll be used. Pg 13. I think the socialism explanation is less important than finding an interesting way for A to engage with it

I think my reaction is less complete lack of clarity around her reasoning and more about needing the timing of it to feel like a big moment in her arc. Maybe it has to do with needing more internal conflict in the earlier chapters so I can get a clearer idea of how she's changing and making the decision based off it?

It's around 130k words. Thanks for considering it and let me know if you'd like for me to send it over!

Overall: For the first one, I think we need a better understanding of the history between the AR and the J slavers. If the AR are this utopian society (at least according to A), what have they actually figured out as a community for dealing with the attacks? Why are the J okay with the heavy attrition it costs to attack armed communities? I think we also need more stakes for A facing down the slaver to justify why this is a big moment. The second one read a bit better to me because we get more on what’s important to A—namely, the sense of community among the AR and how it stays strong even in the face of tragedy. That being said a lot of the details we get don’t really show this so they end up feeling unimportant, and I think we need firmer reasoning from A about why now is the time she’s choosing to leave. As I go: Pg 1-2. Given all the cultural context we get before this, I think some of that needs to be focused around how they deal with slavers for this to feel like a more natural shift Pg 5. I think we need a bit more setup here for this to have proper stakes. Obviously slavers showing up to take people is bad, but I think we need more on why what the story is showing us (D fighting them off) is important to see. Pg 8. Did the J take others in addition to killing one? Pg 10. This is the first time we’re really getting much from D/A, which is good and I think we need more of. Though the autism comment feels a bit off. Even if it’s supposed to feel oversimplified because A doesn’t understand the issue well, I don’t think that’s the best way to show it

Overall: It helps to hear that the anthropology side is a personal interest. I don’t think any of it is bad, though I think there’s some work to be done making them feel more relevant for the story and characters. They don’t need to feed into a fast-paced plot like John Wick, but I think it should be clear why these details are chosen for a story about D and C. One thought is that you’ve mentioned in replies that D still has her mission to find her gf, but we don’t really see that on the page much (though the bits at the end are a good way of showing us that she hasn’t escaped her past). I think we need some more character conflict in D, and my first thought would be having D learn about the culture of the AR and feel more and more conflicted about leaving what feels like a utopia to dive back into messy and complex human dynamics. As with all prescriptive suggestions feel free to take it or leave it, though hopefully it helps show my thought process. As I go: Pg 1-2. I don’t think this background info needs to be relevant to plot/action but I think it could tie into other elements like D’s character more. Her saying that it sounds too utopian to be true is a good start. Pg 3. I like the AR’s motivation to learn more about humans culturally, though I usually find this kind of thing stronger if it’s geared towards a specific goal. I don’t think C necessarily needs to be upfront, but I think we should get the feeling that the AR are planning something by bringing D here. Pg 6-7. Overall I think it’s good that the story keeps the conversation moving and doesn’t lean too much on internality, but I think we could use a bit more to see why these conversations are important enough to D (or C) to be shown in full. Pg 10. D having to take care of a baby alien could be used for good stakes/character conflict. Curious to see what the story does with it. Pg 15. I like the dynamic of alien doctors having to figure out how to treat humans, though we might need a bit more from D here since the doctor isn’t really the character I care about.

Hi everyone, I'm including two files here, one being the second half of the story for this week's submission and the other being the full 9k word story for those who held off until this week like I suggested. Thanks!

I'll take a slot for tomorrow please!

All right back to my regular-length critiques! Overall: I don’t think it needs explosions, but I do think it needs a bit of a tighter focus on what matters for D’s story. The main dynamics I noted that I thought had potential for being more of a focus here are D’s analysis of how the AR’s society is the alternative to capitalist rule that she’s been looking for, and how that risks pulling her away from her mission to eventually get to her love. Most of the other details didn’t feel as relevant for what the story seems to be about, so could probably be quickly summarized when they become relevant rather than frontloaded here. Or of course maybe the story isn't about what I think it's about right now and it could be refocused in an entirely different way. As I go: Pg 2. Similar thoughts so far to last submission. Some fun pieces to play with but I think the story needs to do a bit of work establishing why it matters that AR are like this. Pg 3. The climate change stuff feels like something we already know and that D doesn’t offer much additional insight. I think her comments on Social Darwinism have a bit more weight because that leans more into the speculative elements of how it had a resurgence (or if it ever even left) in this futuristic sci-fi world. Pg 4-5. D being shocked that the AR don’t put her to work is good characterization that uses the specific situation she’s in to inform how she reacts and what’s meaningful to her. When I talk about wanting the discussions to be about things that matter to the characters and story, this is an example of where I think it’s done well. Pg 7. Does D have any idea what the AR are doing with the info on humans they get from her? Could be an avenue to connect this scene to the larger story. Pg 9. This has the makings of good character conflict, where D is being pulled on the one side by love and on the other by a (more or less) collectivist utopia that’s the antithesis to the system she hates. If that’s going to be the focus, I think it needs to be explored more here

Just because D doesn't have any choice right now doesn't mean she can't start to develop long-term goals based on what she learns. And the broader point is that the story chooses what it focuses on and how far ahead in time it jumps, and it has to justify that choice. If you believe that putting stakes in these scenes doesn't make sense (which I'm not convinced of; there are plenty of ways D and C could need each other on board short-term for their long-term goals), we should skip ahead to when we have them.

Additional content warning for discussions of suicide. Hi everyone, I have a bit of an unorthodox submission here. This is a long short story where I'm sending the first half, and my recommendation is to hold off reading until next week when I submit the second half to read the entire 9k word short story at once. But in case it works better to read and critique smaller chunks weekly the first half of the story is attached. Thanks!

I like that D is proactive here about trying to get info. A lot of authors mistake positions of power for character agency, so it's nice to see that despite D being pretty powerless in the world she's being active in the story and trying to get some answers. However, I think we need more on what her motivations and plans are now that her initial goals have been thrown out the window. I also think we need a stronger sense of stakes around what C and the AR are up to. Ideally it feels like what they're doing is important enough to justify the focus being on them instead of anything else in the universe, and I think this story needs a bit of work before it gets there.

I like some of the smaller dynamics here, like D helping the aliens understand human customs so that their takeover and sabotage doesn't escalate unnecessarily. This is good because D is really the only one in a position to help the aliens, so it means there's good pressure and stakes for her. On the constructive side, I think we need more on the larger stakes and motivations. What do the aliens want by taking D with them, and how is that going to inform the challenges she'll be facing next?

Overall I think this submission does a pretty good job with the power dynamics, especially with the kind of unusual position D is in not just as an indentured worker but also as a teenage stowaway that gets a bit of sympathy from her captor. On a constructive note, some of the dynamics felt a bit overexplained when talking with the aliens, and it feels like we need more of a hook about why the aliens matter in the larger scheme of things with what they could be planning.

I don't have a hard deadline because I can work on editing for other books in the meantime. Ideally within 2-3 months but if someone thinks they'll need longer I won't say no

I'm guessing this is going to be a long shot since people aren't quite as active here these days but I'm looking to get feedback on a rewritten draft of Everlasting Sunset that I originally submitted here on RE. Anyone feel free to let me know if you're interested, and I'd be happy to trade novels to critique!

I'll mark myself down early as wanting to submit for next week. I have a bit of an unorthodox submission where I'm submitting a long short story across two weeks, so I'm recommending that people hold off critiquing until I send the second half the week after next.

I like the city atmosphere and the way A reflects on how he doesn't fit in. The actual plot of interfering with the noble didn't work as well for me. It does the job in a sense of showing the problems with the city and how A wants to use his powers to fix them, but I don't feel like it tells us enough about how A specifically approaches these kinds of problems and what the specific problems are in this setting besides overall power abuse.

I'm doing quick read-throughs and comments to get caught up for next week. With this one, I like that we get some of the conflict emerging between A and his grandfather due to their different views on war, and that A has a plan for how to go against his grandfather. This feels like it has more meat to it than how the order is delivered. It feels like the first half of the chapter could be summarized into a paragraph and we'd get all the info we need.

All right time to get to this while it’s still this week’s submission cycle! Overall: There are some elements I like here, like the card-cutting as a specific way to focus on precision and outcomes that S understands but A doesn’t. That being said, I unfortunately don’t think the plot is all that tight here. Some of my submissions here have gotten the feedback that there’s basically no plot even when I thought I had lots of things happen, because what’s missing is the sense that these things are important and chosen with precision. That’s a bit of the feeling I get here. For example, we get a lot on A being late and it does force him to take action but ultimately I don’t think the dynamic of him being late is complex enough to carry the story. Even though we get specific ways he deals with being late, it doesn’t feel like a cohesive story with a tight plot and real stakes. Hopefully that makes sense. Pg 1. The first thing I notice is that for a new character like A we need a character hook. A’s story can start anywhere, so why is this important enough to be his beginning point? Pg 3. It feels like we’re still stuck on the same point that we opened the chapter with. A’s late, and I’m not getting a lot else from him. Pg 6. The card-cutting task here does help regain some of my engagement. It’s nice and specific compared to A being late. Pg 8. A’s father has some nice potential to complicate the situation between them, though I think it has to be used in a precise way to get me fully on board.

Excited to dig into this new story! Overall: The pacing here is pretty good, and I like the way D and J bounce off each other. In particular, J talking about D’s girlfriend did a good job of both fleshing out his personality and raising the tension for D by complicating the situation and forcing her to confront the vulnerable position she’s in. My main constructive comment is that the stakes didn’t always quite land elsewhere. A lot of the rest of D and J’s conversation felt like it told us a bit about them in the world, but wasn’t quite important enough for the characters for me to be fully engaged. I think in chapter 2 we need another personal hook for D, since her main goal was thrown off track so early on. Obviously she doesn’t want to get caught, but I think we need something more personal about what she’s trying to get out of this situation. As I go: Pg 2. This does a good job of setting the scene, but it feels like we’re missing a hook. Ideally from the very first sentence we understand why this is an important enough moment for the story to be starting here. Pg 3. I like the tongue and cheek humor about the corporation, and I want to see it feel a bit more personalized for D’s situation. Pg 5. There’s a good sense of motion and pacing here, though I’m still not quite fully engaged with the plot. I think it has to do with the above point that I need a bit more to understand why this is important. Pg 8. The tension with D being into her former owner’s daughter has a bit more meat on it than what we’ve gotten so far, and I’d like to see it moved up if possible. My suggestion would be to have D acknowledge these details in the first paragraph since it adds a lot more complexity right off the bat than knowing she’s heading to Mars to see someone. Pg 9. I like how J is used here to create more tension in D’s mindset. It’s great to pull characters around like this to add complexity! Pg 11. I think we need a bit more from D upfront about what to do now that she knows the ship’s not heading to her intended destination.

This is the last submission, and thanks for making it all the way through! J and K's section here is a bit less romantically oriented than a standard romance novel epilogue to focus more on their roles and goals, and I'm curious how that comes across.