AnAirSickFool

Finished reading it. All in all it was an interesting read. As mentioned the humor was made up of good satire. The story also drove forward at a good and believable pace. The only issue I had was with the use of second person narration. While it was done very well and was important to the story, I felt like the narrator changed partway through the story. For the first part is sounded like almost like a corporate manual or other such document but at some point it felt like it changed to a more personal narrator as it focused more on the individuals life. That might just be me though since the only second person narrations that I have read are from mandatory corporate literature.

Finished with reading the chapter First though I did have a question. How hard of a sci fi system are you trying to have for the book? I ask since for the scene where they travel faster then light everything goes black outside the ship. From the research I have done on the subject I would assume that only the area 180 ish degrees behind them would go black and everything in front would go through very high red shift. If you found that it behaves differently then I would love to read the source on that. I would also be interested in how the alien guns work. Not for story purposes but just out of curiosity. Other then that I liked the chapter. Good movement through the action I did feel the comparison on page to the inside of a room being like the inside of a large pizza box was an odd comparison. It seems like a complicated way of say the room was square.

this is the 3rd chapter which is mostly to showcase the city a little as well as other nobles.

Could I post something this Monday?

Thanks for the replies. I can see the point about how being late is a little weak. I can probably workshop that a bit and add some tension to the scene or something. the use of army instead of legion is a good catch. the original draft had simple names for most things and It seems I missed changing things into their proper names. the decline of the family is something I need to go into in more detail. I had planned on doing it in a later chapter, but if it would help I could explain a bit more in this one or the next one. Other then that thank you for the advice.

Thank you for your response. For the total number of words I would have to check. the current draft is about 90,000 words but there are parts that are being cut so probably a little less. For planning I just used a basic outline format. If the grampa is coming across as a jerk then I do need to rewrite a few things. I was aiming more for frustration at the constant desire to be a killer as well as this just not being the right time to bring it up again since there was just an emotional meeting. The title of Sir was a deliberate anachronism since Romans were not actually big on honorifics in peoples names. The closest "correct" title would probably be something like Domine or Erus but neither really works and would require some explanation for the readers to know what it means. If others see it as a major issue then I could probably just remove it entirely though.

Finally got some time to write my response. Overall an interesting continuation. The aliens seem understandable which is nice. It does seem a little odd to me for them to want the thoughts an opinions of a stowaway. When some of their questions seem like the kind of thing they could have done more research on before. I do wonder about a few things but that has more to do with my endless desire for worldbuilding minutia and therefor is not really important.

I think something happed on my end. I got the email but I did not get any attachment. Could you send it again?

This is for the second chapter of the book. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Could I post something this Monday?

Finished reading. Overall it was interesting. There is enough going on to make you want to know what will happen next. Some minor nitpicks. I did feel like there were to many mentions of D not being attractive, but since it seems tied to their character it will probably be fine. the guard noticing them as they hack the door feels a little random. Just because one second the door whooshes open then suddenly the guard sees them. Maybe if there was something that made the guard notice them it would work. If the whoosh sound was supposed to be what alerted the guard then maybe a louder sound. For me whoosh is pretty soft so it felt weird that it alerted the guard. Aside from that a good start to a story. the end especially makes me want to know what happens next.

Finished reading. It was nice to see everyone doing well at the end after everything that happened. The ending leaves things open to more stories and give a desire to know more about how those stories play out. As with most things I only have small nitpicks. For example when stating that the flowers were roses the color is never specified. Roses come in a variety of colors each symbolizing something different depending on where you are from and the situation that you received them. so know the color of the flower gives an extra depth to characterization. In addition I feel saying that they are sterile and American is a disservice to a flower with a history stretching back thousands of years to China.

This is the first main chapter for the book.

Could I post something this Monday?

Thank you for the response. I will look over what I have and take your feedback into consideration. I do see your point about the conversation between M and S. I want to keep it so I will probably rework it. Maybe instead I will use it to show the difference between how others view who M is and what he had done vs how he views it. I might modify it to have S to have more of a positive look on what happens as well as liking the empire to contrast M who does not like it and who is only doing this because of loyalty to the king he serves. I will try a few things out and if none work then maybe cut the scene.