Appol PhD

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Overall: I like S’s narration here but my instinct is to say that a lot of this could either be cut or reorganized around a more streamlined plot. I assume the floating city is doing something sinister but W’s vague hints about it aren’t enough to keep me engaged when I feel like I don’t have enough of the pieces to start digging into what they’re saying. As a result, it kind of feels like A just frolics for ten pages with not enough threads to follow to foreshadow what I’m guessing is all of this coming crashing down on her. As I go: Pg 1-3. It’s cool to see A have this big moment, but so far we haven’t seen the actual plot or conflict. Pg 4-5. We’re getting a lot of time on character introductions without much else happening, which slows the pacing here Pg 7. I think we need to know more about these tactics of W’s for this to have an impact Pg 10. I don’t mind A having the hots for J but I’m not sure what purpose this serves for the story. I don’t find that I understand their characters better and it feels disconnected from the plot. -Getting S’s pov does help entertain me given that I enjoy its salty commentary in general and it does seem to have the most conflict here so far Pg 11. Wait this setting has elves? I’m assuming pretty much everyone so far has been human Pg 12. I feel like I need to understand the floating city and what it wants for these hints about it to be engaging

Hi everyone, If you're reading this submission, thanks for bearing with the long gap between chapters over the holidays. Hopefully people still remember the gist of what happened in the first sub (I'm also aiming for a lower learning curve for this one so hopefully that helps too). I'm breaking up chapter 4 for this submission, with the first half + chapter 3 being this time and the second half being next time to avoid going over the word count limit, which I normally don't like to do but here I think there's a decent cutoff point. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Overall: I was pretty engaged by the writing throughout, especially S’s snark fitting in unironically with the floating city. That being said it still feels like the pacing is slow and the A plot of going to the city to track down and eliminate S doesn’t hook me when we already know that actually dealing with S requires a different solution entirely. As I go: Pg 2. I don’t know if you’ve played the Hades video game but I’m imagining the messenger’s voice as Hypnos and it’s really entertaining me. -I think I’ve mentioned this before but if the people from this city are so powerful I’d like to see some cultural worldbuilding on why they haven’t, like, conquered the world at any point throughout history. Pg 3. Do we know how easily A can actually get into contact with L? Pg 4-5. S getting some more tongue-and-cheek interactions in with the minor characters is great. Probably my favorite part of reading S. Pg 6. I feel like there could be some interesting implications about the floating city not being accommodating to people not used to their magic, but I’m not sure if that’s what the story’s trying to get at. Pg 7. I think a vague sense of wrongness can work for an atmospheric or suspenseful story, but for something like this I’d rather have more specific details on why the city feels threatening to L. -I do like the ending of the little section though. Best of luck, L! Pg 8. Nice description of the city here Pg 10. I like the ending line here though I think we could get to it sooner after the surprise.

Excited to dig back into the story! Overall: My comments from before about not being as invested in the floating city plotline hold here, but I do like the bits of characterization we get from S. I think that these scenes are good for establishing the dynamic between A and S, and I’d think they’d slot in nicely with some larger plot changes. As I go: Pg 2-3. The banter around the development on page 2 is fun, but the discussion on page 3 feels like it’s rehashing old ground with no new insight. And S running here feels more like it’s diverting the plot than advancing it, if that makes sense. Pg 5. Similar thoughts on the skeleton here. My investment in the story is mostly about A and L’s dynamic, so S wrangling with monsters feels like it’s stalling that plot. Pg 7. I like the characterization we get from S here about people wanting to die Pg 10. If S appeared as humans before, why is it getting dysmorphia only now? I’d think swapping around bodies previously could manage dysmorphia, but not prevent it from coming up at all (though obviously my intuition might not make sense for S).

Glad to read your writing again after all of your great feedback for me! Overall: I think my bad memory of what the previous draft was like is a blessing and a curse here. My overall reaction is that the story is fun with a good dynamic between C and M, but that I didn’t really get invested until the last scene with the present-day confrontation between C and M. I think that was about my opinion last time too, though I think I like the last third better. Though like I said my memory is bad so maybe it hasn’t changed much and it just reads better when I already know where the story’s heading, which could be a sign about the setup in the first part of the story to prepare readers. I’ll let you work that out haha. I think a lot of my hangups stem from not getting a lot from S. I see at the end how he represents M moving onto a healthier relationship, and for that I understand why there’s not a lot of interpersonal conflict between M and S. But at the same time because there’s no conflict in the relationship, I’m not invested in it the way I am with M and C. I don’t want M and C to get back together necessarily, but I do want to put them in a room together and see what happens. Less so with M and S. Hopefully that makes sense. As I go: Pg 2. The mention of the ex is the first sign of a real character conflict we get. Everything before this feels like background without a real emotional hook, so I’d like to get this in the first paragraph if possible. Pg 3. The space imagery does a good job of grounding me in the scene, which I often have a hard time with in sci-fi so good job. Pg 4. I think I was able to parse through flashback vs present here, but it caused enough confusion that I wonder if the flashback should be narration instead of dialogue. -Based on what I remember from the story, I’m not sure this first scene sets up the goofy tone enough. There’s some wittiness but so far it feels like everything is played straight. Pg 5-7. I’m not sure what S is providing for the story other than someone for M to bounce ideas off of. If his characterization is important for the story, we need to see more of it early on, and if it’s not important then I think these convos could be trimmed and summarized. I don’t recall him being super important for the story’s climax and resolution so I’d lean towards the latter. Pg 8. Since this is the first time where the story really starts to put pressure on M, I’d like to get here a bit sooner. We got the character hook with the ex on page 2 and the threat of M being isolated here and the rest of the early scenes feel like background. Pg 10. C clashing with research culture is fun for me specifically to read Pg 12. C and M’s personal dynamic here grabs my interest more than the technical story setup of the first scenes. -The rest of the scene here works quite well. Just enough big personality and silliness to make me roll with a trope I normally hate (someone trying to blow the universe up out of curiosity).

No worries with the weirdness of submission; makes me feel better about throwing in a submission I didn’t polish much. And from the notes of what you cut I agree that it’s better that we’re jumping back more into the meat of things. Overall: I think this works better than the previous recent submissions because especially the first half focuses on the dynamic between S, L, and A. Those relationships rather than the plot with the floating city are what actually determines what happens to the characters and the world, so I think it’s important that they stay at the forefront of the story like this. My one comment on the first scene is that I think we need a bit more info or hanging a lantern on the mystery of what the discussion between L and A’s mom is about and why L cares about it so dearly. I’m thinking something along the lines of Game of Thrones where Ned keeps going back to his promise to his sister and the sacrifices he’s made because of it in a way that highlights his emotions while keeping the mystery alive, if you’re familiar with that. The second half also has some good character moments, but to me it still feels like the story is prioritizing the plot with the floating city over the character dynamics because that’s where the clear development happens, and again I’d prefer a greater focus on development in the character dynamic between L and A instead. Like I said the character moments are good but the actual conflict in their relationship that matters is L’s big lie to A which doesn’t develop in this scene since A doesn’t directly get closer to learning the truth. Hopefully that all makes sense. As I go: Pg 3. Ooh the fact that L met A as a baby is a fun reveal that helps some of my questions about why L cares so much about her. Would be great to hang a lantern on this earlier to foreshadow this reveal. Pg 4-5. I like the back and forth here but a rule of thumb I’ve had to learn in my own work is that dialogue paragraphs this long usually need to be tightened up. Here L feels a bit rambly, and while I can tell the spitballing is intentional it does slow the pace. Pg 7. I think I figured out that S is talking about the front it will put up if it accompanies A but the top paragraph here confused me a bit. -Random worldbuilding question: if this city is so powerful than why hasn’t it conquered everything? Could be useful to delve into, especially since I imagine the global instability would make some factions want to be proactive beyond just hunting down S. Pg 8. This is a good scene overall. Ever since the reveal that L could destroy S at any time most of the events haven’t felt too relevant for plot outcomes but this here does hit on the dynamic that really matters for the story. Pg 10. Could be WRS or the cut content but I’m not sure why A feels the need to resort to drugging L. Pg 12-13. So A also made copies? Did she plan to go on her own with the invitation and leave a copy behind so L would think she didn’t? Pg 15. So A also knows that S is trapped here, but doesn’t know that L can destroy it and thinks that she can destroy it by bringing it to the city? Again might be the cut content and WRS but I’m having a bit of a tricky time figuring out who’s doing what and why.

Hi everyone, I'm back from Nanowrimo submitting... a different story I wrote back in January/February. This one is contemporary YA fantasy, which I hadn't really written before this, so I have no idea how it will read. It's not the most polished so I'm not sure I'll submit the whole thing--this isn't that far off from a draft 0 despite being ten months old. What I'm mostly looking for are initial impressions about the conceit, if the premise seems interesting enough to build a novel out of, etc. My plan is to take those initial impressions for a couple submissions and figure out what I want to do with the novel, since again I have basically zero idea how it will come across. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please!

Thanks for the feedback! I probably won't submit this story again, so just in case you're curious the intention is that "O" is originally L and "M" is originally O. I didn't consider the reading of M being a calamity imposter, and I think once I clarify that he's a real person the existing hints will stand out more (has enough power to exist within the ark's flow despite AM people not having powers at all, says he killed the real M when he mentions O doing that in the final flashback/speech, perfectly matched in combat with Calamity O to the point that it's like fighting himself).

Good luck in Nanowrimo! Overall: It’s good to see A taking some initiative here, and I think what I need is a greater sense of stakes/urgency. We don’t know that S is going to be a threat anytime soon (it can be years in between S striking cities right?), we don’t really know what the stakes are if L refuses the invitation, and honestly even the two days the messenger gives them is a lot of time for them to waffle so the discussions don’t feel particularly urgent either. I enjoy the tone and wit here, but I have a bit less patience for it distracting from the plot when it’s not being used for the strong and meaningful worldbuilding/social commentary of the cities. As I go: Pg 1-2. This does a good job at showing consequences for A’s actions, and hinting at the emotional consequences of L deciding not to destroy S, but it feels like what we’re missing is the hook for the next plot beat. Pg 3-4. L’s exes are entertaining enough but it doesn’t feel like their interactions with A are pushing the plot along. Pg 8. It’s good to get the hint for the next plot beat yet, but it doesn’t feel like a full hook. There aren’t a lot of immediate stakes, and iirc neither L nor A have a personal connection to this city. Pg 9-10. The bickering is entertaining but again it doesn’t feel like it’s moving the story along. I like the atmosphere of this crowded, loud debate but seeing it all in action makes the pacing feel slow Pg 14. I feel like there’s something important here about A finding meaning with the struggle when the real solution isn’t a struggle at all—L just has to decide to destroy S. Curious to see if the story will build on that.

Hi everyone, This is the second and final short story I've written in the same universe as Everlasting Sunset, though this one was written much more recently. Similar to Sunrise, the goal here is to write the kind of story that could go into a literary SFF journal. Which similarly means that I'll need help determining where the ambiguity/blurred lines works well and where it feels too confusing. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please! I'm hoping to focus on Nanowrimo next month so I probably won't be submitting for a while after this--should hopefully give people some time to get caught up.

Excited to dig in! Overall: I was engaged through most of this, and I continue to like L’s narration and her interactions with other characters. I continue to want a bit more about L’s motivations in all of this, and on a plot level my biggest hangup is that it’s not clear to me how the story is carrying its momentum forward. We know that A’s curse is worse now and is more deeply rooted in her than previously thought, but I’m not sure how that affects her goals and plans, along with L’s. As a result, the pacing feels a bit slow, though I think it might be a clarity issue rather than the events happening too slowly. As I go: Pg 1-2. I like the characterization of L’s concern for A, though I’m still not quite sure why L cares for her so much given that A is one of many suffering people she could have chosen to take in. Pg 3. I like L’s conflict but the way she’s able to get out of it with a spell that wasn’t set up before deflates the tension a bit. Pg 4-6. I like the emotion here, though the fact that it’s a dream sequence means the momentum of the story stalls a bit here. Partially because I don’t know how much of this is real. Pg 7-8. Is this a dream memory or something new for A? I do like the casual body horror here—fits well with the overall tone of the book. Pg 9. Did we know that S has been around for four billion years? That contextualizes its actions in a different light. Pg 10. L’s interpersonal stuff is keeping my attention the most. I think it has to do with her having the power to dictate most of what happens with A and S, so her decision making is currently the crux of the narrative. Pg 13. Getting all four introductions with four people feels like too much, especially when the other three don’t really feel necessary for these emotional beats, though I do like the impression of L feeling outnumbered here

Additional content warning for mentions of attempted suicide. Hi everyone, Thanks a ton for all the feedback on Everlasting Sunset. Here I have a short story set in the same universe--I actually wrote this two years ago before Everlasting Sunset, and it was what gave me the idea for many of the worldbuilding elements. It's also my first real crack at writing in a literary style where I focused on the language as the lifeblood of the story rather than a vehicle for communicating the narrative, if that makes any sense. The reach for the stars goal with this story is for it to be published in a SFF literary journal or something similar, which I know is realistically going to be very challenging but I think it will benefit me to getting comfortable submitting stories even if I'm not sure I'm at that point as a developing writer. If anyone is experienced reading/writing those kinds of stories, I'd love feedback on what I can work on to make a story on that level (even if it's a frank "This story isn't that close but keep writing and practice on xyz"). Other than that, because this is my first crack at something that tries to get cute and fancy (for lack of a better term) with language I suspect it may be a bit confusing at points, and knowing where those points would be super helpful. Thanks!

Hi @Silk I know I'm late but I'll take a slot for tomorrow if that's all right!

Excited to dig in! I think the title is really good—I think it’s fine for stories with more humorous to have serious names like that. Just recently I read Brandon Sanderson’s Tress of the Emerald Sea recently which is pretty serious in both title and summary despite the tongue and cheek tone—though honestly I think in some ways this story honestly uses that sort of tone better, especially for the social commentary. Overall: While I enjoyed some of the character moments, this was the first time in the story it felt like it was hard for me to keep up with what was going on for most of it. What’s actually at the heart of the chapter is L’s characterization, since the reveal is that she has the power to destroy S with magic but doesn’t because she wants it to reform. As a result, the actual fight doesn’t feel that meaningful because the real difference maker is L’s fancy magic, and it also means that there’s more work that needs to be put into her personal philosophy with how important it is in shaping the story. The idea that S potentially reforming is worth sacrificing thousands of innocent lives for isn’t something that makes sense for conventional morality, but that’s also what gives L’s characterization the opportunity to be distinct. But like I said, I think there needs to be more work put into establishing why L is this way. If she cares about redemption regardless of the cost in lives, why did she take A in at all? Why is S more important to reform than the thousands of people it kills who have their own issues L could force them to be better about? As I go: Pg 1. I tend to like this sort of the narration in the story, but this one felt a bit hard to parse through for me. I can tell it’s intentional in pulling us out mid-fight but I don’t follow the meaning behind it. Pg 2. Didn’t the last chapter end with A charging S? I’m confused how we got from there to here. Pg 4. The tone gives you a bit of leeway, but this feels like too much talking for what’s supposed to be an active conflict. Pg 6. There’s a lot of exposition needed to explain what’s going on and it makes me wonder if there needs to be more setup beforehand for how this is going to go. Pg 8-9. There’s some cool characterization here though it’s getting harder to picture what’s going on as more and more magic gets thrown around. Pg 10. Even though S calls out that L’s plan doesn’t make a lot of sense it still feels off to me. What does she have up her sleeve to make S get better? If she has something that she’s hiding from us, I think we at least need hints. Pg 15. I think we can skip to the part where S gets incapacitated since we know it’s coming.

Hi everyone, The finale to Everlasting Sunset is finally here. A huge thank you to everyone who read it, be it the whole thing or a few submissions! As for this one, I honestly don't have a ton to say. I'm likely going to be rewriting it even if it reads well since I'll be changing the arcs around the individual soldiers which is a lot of the focus here. So what would be the most helpful is knowing if there's any more buildup needed to make the ending satisfying. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please!

Overall: On the characters of S and A, what I like about them and my hangups about them are kind of the opposite of each other. S has a fun personality but I’m not always invested in its role in the story because we haven’t seen any real vulnerability from it so its victory feels inevitable with no real stakes. In contrast, I like A’s role in the story and her background as someone who channels pain through dance into magic, but her actual characterization feels too nonspecific for me. Here it seems like she wants to stop S because it’s going to destroy a big city and she is vulnerable to the image of her old guardian being used against her, neither of which give me a good feel for who she is as a distinct person. I think that covers most of my big comments, actually. The fight felt a bit long without a lot of progress being made, but I think that ties back to the characterization comments more than the fight itself. As I go: Pg 1. More fun commentary, though at this point I don’t totally trust the story to connect the social commentary to the main ideas or plot of the story. Pg 3. One the one hand I do think it’s funny that B ascribes the city falling to basically karma when S is unrelated to all of that but at the same time it also makes it hard to feel like this scene matters to the story. Pg 4-5. I like the idea of getting more of S’s characterization through B but because it feels like the plot is stalling for this I’m having a hard time staying engaged despite a lot of fun lines. Pg 7. This does help to give the convo a bit more relevance, though it doesn’t have a big impact without knowing why S is incorporating people or what it plans to do with that. Pg 8-10. The scene flows nicely though I think what’s holding me back is the lack of personal stakes for A. Which feels weird to say when she’s trying to stop the thing that killed her whole troupe but I’m not feeling a precise motivation from her beyond saving the city. Pg 11. One of my rules of thumb is that if I have to rely on exclamation points, the dialogue isn’t strong enough on its own. Here, it feels like a symptom of A’s characterization being nonspecific. Pg 12. I do like the way magic can cut off her pain but that comes with big risks. Also could be very dangerous for her to get wounded and not even realize it. Pg 13-14. I think the main holdup for me here is that I don’t really believe A’s actually making progress by fighting the different copies of S so counterintuitively it feels like the pace really slows here. Pg 15. These lines from S are good, but they highlight my hangup that if there’s no progress being made here this scene doesn’t feel like it helps advance the story.

Overall: My reaction to this feels similar to the prologue where I really like the societal worldbuilding and tone used to describe the city of C but it ends up not feeling relevant for what S does. For example, I enjoyed poking fun at the guard worship but it looks like C is about to fall to something not really related to any of its societal flaws so it ends up feeling like it doesn’t really matter. As I go: Pg 1. Even though last sub I said I wanted more context for the timeskip I’m not sure the summary here is necessary. I’d rather us jump right into the new plot hook and fill in details along the way. Pg 3. Can’t believe you hit us with the “So true, bestie.” Again I do think the colloquial language works well here. Pg 4. I also think the social commentary here is the right tone—tongue and cheek while still feeling poignant. Pg 5-7. I like the slower pace we get for a few pages to characterize and worldbuild and think the conflict comes in at the right time. Pg 8-10. My engagement here wavers a bit because S seems so powerful that this all feels inevitable. Because there’s seemingly no chance for it to fail I don’t get a feeling of stakes. Pg 11. This continues even as S faces setbacks, because I don’t really believe it can be stopped by any of this. Pg 15-16. Feels like good setup for killing the mentor; excited to keep reading!

Hi everyone, I mentioned last time that this would be the final submission, but it's actually not. I had 6k words left and decided to break it into submissions. This time is the last chapter of part 3, and next time will be the epilogue. I'm probably going to be fully rewriting this scene no matter what the feedback is since I'll be changing a lot of the buildup and the way the soldiers' character arcs are handled, especially X. So no need to focus too much on LBLs and what would be the most helpful to me are analysis and ideas about X as a whole, since it seems like he's not coming across as well as A. Thanks!

I'll have a slot as well, please!

Excited to dig into this as well! Overall: I continue to really like the contrast between the comedic tone and dark atmosphere. I don’t have a lot of overarching comments (especially with the chapters tackling lots of different events and ideas), so I’ll let my LBLs speak for themselves. As I go: Pg 1. Why wasn’t she taken care of properly before? It seemed like her relationship with Le was good; did they simply not have the means? Pg 5. We’re getting some good characterization from Li here, though I’m still looking for more from A. Though maybe if the characters around her end up having big enough personalities it’s okay for her to be a bit more vanilla to balance them out. Pg 6. The part about A’s goals is something I’d like to see more of earlier. Retroactively I can understand that the conversation with Le back in chapter 1 was aimed at establishing this but I wasn’t picking up on A’s emotions in the moment. Pg 7. This ties A into the plot nicely, though I wonder if there’s a way to work in her skills/goals around music into this to tie her characterization to the plot. Guess I’ll have to wait and see! Pg 8. Okay I just have to say that I love the racoon’s name. Powerful witches giving their familiars silly names is always a great gag. Pg 11. I like the sign that A’s music is going to be useful but I think we need some context about what bards can do in this world. Are they just musicians or are we playing by D&D rules where they can channel their music as magic? Pg 14. I like the thematic thread here about A trying to overcome her pain which doesn’t seem like it’s going to end well and having to learn she can’t just push through everything. Or at least that’s where it seems like it’s going to me. Pg 17. …Is that a dragonball joke? On a more serious note I don’t tend to like precise quantifications of magical power/energy like this but I’ll try to keep an open mind. Pg 18. This might be a hot take but I do like the modern colloquialisms in fantasy like the bit right before the scene break. I think the contrast with the dark nature of the setting also helps it here. Pg 19. Fast forwarding years feels a bit jarring here given how quickly we’ve seen S move. I think I’d need at least a sentence speculating about what they’re up to (even if it’s nothing) and why. Also if years pass then I think we also need to know how this plays into L’s and A’s long term plans, even if that’s L refusing to tell A how things play into their long-term plans.